Achmed and Walter’s Love Life: Jeff Dunham

all those years uh leam LED and now it's over yeah so all those years raising the girls and now the family's broken up right so no more marriage nope no more wife no what's it [Applause] like oh oh please let me live vicariously through you Walter divorce is not a good thing oh you can't Li in the [ __ ] so what happened what happened Walter is that unfortunately in our country these days more than 50% of marriages now end in divorce and sadly mine was on that side of things you know Jeff I never thought I'd say these to you but you're my hero come on what's it like to wake up the morning and not hate your life to not think uhoh here she comes you can leave your toilet seat up all the time I had hot glue Line open for God's sakes and then [ __ ] in the backyard just because I could Walter divorce is painful oh yeah like a deep tissue massage so how long's it been almost 3 years now oh okay so you dating anybody now matter of fact I am oh good female clean other no sometimes that's the problem honey I got bad news and I got good news bad news is our want to divorce good news is I'm on your team now come on let's nit Nitch so this girl you're dating is she the same age as you no oh so she's older no younger yes how much younger doesn't matter yes it does come on does she have nice boobs that don't hang down past your knees e your lubs hang low do they all the je bro can you tie an in a nut can you tie an an a b can you throw them all your shoulder like a confidental soier do your tits all right where do you hear a song like that I didn't hear it I wrote it n ass but you never sung it to your wife every morning that's not funny oh even in the dog LS at that that last part was me I know well do you make fun of your wife a lot I know it's slinny as hell isn't it you know your wife is supposed to be your soulmate you want to be the pot or the [Applause] kettle you know I saw an old photo of you and your wife your wife's quite beautiful he saw an old photo yeah I'm kidding I know I married at the young beautiful thing yeah she was eventally eating The Other Woman I live with now [Applause] hey look Walter I know for a fact that you love your family you still love your wife and I think that even at this age every once in a while you should still try and be romantic with your wife good Lord like how I don't know you ever speak to your wife in a foreign language like in French some women love that I call her a French name now and then oh M Sherry causing loo so is there romance between you two H not long ago my wife left the trail of rose ttles on the floor for me oh into the bedroom right out the front door you know there are plenty of romantic places in this country you could go for a special time together like where top of the Empire State Building oh no we tried that a security guard took one look at her and uhoh King Kong see just like that you've been married for over 45 years have you ever saiden anything to your wife that you truly regretted oh yeah will you marry me I love you [ __ ] like that come on when your wife is in a romantic mood do you ever think about taking one of those little pills cide oh yeah I do [Applause] actually come on what does your wife put on with is's feeling frisky at bedtime night vision goggles then she sneaks around the house and hunts my ass down it is scary stuff my friends when was the last time you even put your arms around your wife couple of weeks ago when she was choking on a p of steak you see there he gave her the him lick yeah I know I was drunk I don't know what I was thinking I was so close maybe you could do something simple like watching a movie together oh no every time fin watching L she falls asleep and the next morning I have to drive back to the theater to pick her up and bring her home have you done anything fun in town here this week you know I don't like getting out oh you're a little bit of a hypochondriac yeah why don't you wear one of those paper masks why it's taped or he can't stop anything I mean hell the Constitution is taped or and another stopped our current Administration just trying to get a read on the crowd tonight so I take you you're not exactly happy with our government right now are you kidding me congress's approval rating is at 12% jockage has a higher rating than that so you paying attention to the presidential candidates oh yeah how would you feel about a female president oh Sil with me just whoever it is make sure it's after she hits n Applause Walter what I was there when my life went through it she had been presed then holy crap I'm hot I'm cold I'm squaty I'm clany [ __ ] you Russia launch the missiles I'm sorry can we talk a little bit more about Christmas whatever so uh what did you get your wife uh mock well you take the stick out hey it's a wig where are you shopping for your wife at the 99 Cent Store what'd you get your grandson a spunge that's not a toy it is when you convince him that slung lob what did he say to that he said slung doog is not blue with a scour side I said is when he has an infections Keith scrubbing Walter what were some of your favorite toys when you were a kid oh nothing like today what do you mean well you know they got all computer games and all that we didn't have that stuff no no hell we wanted to play tennis we actually went outside and swung a racket none of that weely crap and playing the guitar there were strings not freaking colored buttons hello yeah and there were no shoot them up Gams we actually went outside and killed the [Applause] [ __ ] oh I like the games when you you shoot the aliens oh we shot a lot of thorns yeah we did that too what wter come on what about people of other religions what the hell am I supposed to do walk around and ask everybody what they are the floor I say anything to them what you're Catholic and you're Protestant well Merry Christmas you're Jewish hang on what are you atheist oh well have a nice day and what are [Applause] you what was that I don't know I couldn't understand what the hell he said hey get back to me when you learn the [ __ ] [Applause] language say good night Walter good night there we go that's Walter so what do you think about Dublin so far uh uh uh this is the land of beer that's right I know we're going to Israel soon but well we've been here in Dublin I seen pubs everywhere so I'm pretty sure this is the holy [Applause] land and this is the biggest Alcoholics Anonymous leading I've ever been to I have a joke all right what do you call women in Ireland I don't know what do you call women in Ireland land you called them Len you Shish bastard we landed in Belfast the other day and I'm like what that fast and I here for a job interview I love Dublin I would never do anything evil to Dublin really I'm afraid of the soccer fans but have you looked at this audience yes closely when the lights are up yes I am made entirely out of bone and teeth and my color actually Blends in all right Amed look as everybody was coming in tonight they were given an opportunity or two to ask you a question yes and uh everybody wrote him down and before the show we grabbed a handful and I think you should answer them Okie doie all right dear Amed his Guinness go right through [Applause] you you [ __ ] yes and so does potatoes corn beef and [ __ ] sunlight all right Victor a very important question Victor is this legitimate okie dokie it's what you really want to do this okay holy [ __ ] from Victor it says Dear aked would you help me propose to my girlfriend no next question I'm just kidding Victor can we turn on house lights please house [Applause] lights okay the GU is working the lights that are smoking weed turn on the [ __ ] lights there he is okay Victor before you do this think this through okay all right let's hear it yeah this is the saddest thing I have ever seen highest life expectancy in the entire world I do not know that especially women HH yeah here women's average lifespan is 90 to 100 years send my wife home immediately what is this hell on Earth all right how do you like the food here oh very funny what I tried some of that what do you call that h h h h you cannot sck Icelandic without moving your lips I'm telling you think of that there's no Icelandic vus ever I will say though I think the the folks of Iceland are geniuses how's that they know how to keep them from getting overcrowded with foreigners how's that simply by naming the place Iceland it sounds like he'll freeze your assle plus it's easier to say than a dark Long Winter land where the weather is [ __ ] we're morons for naming our country the United States sounds way too welcoming we should have called our country crazy [ __ ] with guns did you get a chance to go to a volcano oh yes I did did you take your wife yes I did what' she think she kept saying the same thing over and over what stop trying to push me in on another subject did you know that strip clubs are also illegal here really right so if I want to see a naked woman I have to take a 6-hour light to Scotland or there's your wife oh that's true in Iceland it's legal to whale hunt that's not nice okay this time slightly bigger Arrow more drama look at [Applause] that I'm a fesbian not like Ellen well she's a lesbian and I said thesbian and the words are similar not in meaning unless you're lesbian thesbian [Music] I like Ellen yeah she's cute yeah you think I got a shot with her a shot you know like to dat her well come on she could plan the other team for a little while you know like a visitor Amed she's married to another woman who is this come on what does she have that I don't what I no longer have a h no look you look to my haa area I kill you where you stand but if I kill you please don't drop me what happened to your hooa like what you said you no longer have a hoo-ha no he didn't yes you did no I didn't I said haa what the hell's a HHA it's like a laughing [Laughter] owl what happened to your haa oh after the explosion it ended up over there over there and up there I see so you no longer have a a no but you like women yes I'm a lesbian I told you I got a shout with Ellen do you think she likes actors I don't know let me try this arrow thing one more time I can prove I can act okay this time much bigger Arrow much more [Music] drama I got shot in the shoulder not going to die now the stomach Tell Ellen I love [Music] her okay I'm done I can sit up now actually you can't what your ribs are caught on your spine hang [Applause] on what son of I kill you from here you you feed me aanders of the orang this would not happen I'm a Les and not a cheerleader [Applause]

Channel: Laugh Society

Views: 569,376

Keywords: comedy, comedians, stand up comedy, comedy central, comedy show, stand up, best comedy, best comedian, entertainment tonight, jeff dunham, arguing with myself, bubba j, controlled chaos, all over the map, spark of insanity, stand up comedy reaction, jeff dunham biden, jeff dunham peanut, jeff dunham walter, jeff dunham full show, jeff dunham bubba j, Jeff dunham: controlled chaos, LaughComedyDynamics, Jeff Dunham - Unhinged in Hollywood, YTBLSOLCD0080, Laughs Society

Id: R-X9p0i8ILQ

Length: 19min 20sec (1160 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 15 2024