Walter's Roastfest: Jeff Dunham

I don't give a damn back to you [Applause] I'm sorry I'm just kidding around what was your first name here in the blue shirt oh Nick oh Nick good to see you Nick now Nick what do you do for a living I work in construction oh construction what kind of construction what do you do work with the general contractor you work with the general you're not the general contractor you work with one I will so what is your title Nick no I guess you can consider it a framing and drywalling Framing and drywalling got anything think for that dumb [Applause] ass you know Nick we got jokes for doctors and lawyers nether trash collectors but the Fring and drywalling guy not in our arsenal of Snappy com [Applause] [Music] [Applause] and we're not going to bother going home and writing any cuz hey what are the odds now sorry it was Nick right was it Nick or Nick yeah Nick Nick and Knight n and Nick D asses be nice to the crowd I don't give a damn all right now some of the folks signed these and some of them didn't I don't get the damn right all right where is uh Valerie what is that I don't know what is it Ren Renee Ry Ry Valerie where are you I hear right there says Dear Walter how do you take off 10 years to look younger oh knee oh that would be Thompson's water seal [Music] this is from Milton dear Walter my wife sits at home all day and won't work how can I get her to get a job well Milton you're going to have to die that'll teach the [Applause] where is Nick monos oh oh Nick Nick says Dear Walter you're looking a little frustrated when's the last time you got laid oh crap I recognize him that's our gay stalker I need medical transportation [Applause] uh this is from Steven dear Walter could you please recommend a good Proctologist Tony Whittier oh or Tony from Whittier California pay attention idiot I'm sorry dear Walter time and time again I have filled out the the sheet six times you never answer my question what gives let's get that [Applause] one this is from Chris it's Chris it's a girl Chris dear W you read this uh dear Walter after nine and a half years my boyfriend still hasn't popped the question let's just poop the question Chris you need to learn to sty I think how the hell do you poop the question I guess you should listen from the other end dear Walter why don't chicken breasts have nipples [Laughter] what I guess cuz if they got too cold they poke a hole in the package new from the colonel chicken and tits [Laughter] dear Walter what is one of Jeff's deepest darkest Secrets oh he has a a sex blowout doll no I don't yes she do know yeah and the sick part is he makes her talk and boy does she lie will you stop it dear Walter what was your favorite toy as a child dirt and we were happy kids nowadays they had too much they got the internet they got video games computer crap hell there re them passing out condoms in high schools did you know that yeah good God when I was that age we had to walk five miles to get a condom uphill in the snow with a boner ohop all right I threw this one away because I thought it was kind of over the line but I think we've crossed that a couple times you read it why I just can't you read it all I don't care dear Walter why is it that I gag when I brush my tongue but not when I give my boyfriend oral [Applause] sex well obviously your toothbrush is bigger and that's W there we go all right so you told me you've been getting on the computer a lot lately oh yeah been getting on Facebook what you get on Facebook yeah what do you do on Facebook I like getting on there and defriending everybody possible why just so I wonder what the hell they did wrong it's funny as hell that's not nice I know if it was nice it wouldn't be funny as hell I did actually lose a friend on Facebook the other day without defriending him how's that well an old bloody line posted that his wife died oh I clicked like then I posted line still alive sad place so you're getting into social networking yeah a little bit you know what I don't understand is why young couples today keep nude photos of themselves on their phones and then texting to each other what the hell when I was young in dating my wife wife I never thought she's so beautiful I'm going to marry her the first I'm going to send her this picture like [Applause] balls what people ask me all the time if my show is familyfriendly what am I supposed to say now it depends on your family well since you've gone there do you and your wife have a decent love life oh she does things to mix it up now and then really yeah she lot a tear of handcuffs really yeah like I need another inliner that I'm suring a life sentence handcuffs at our age that's like 50 Shades of Olden gray so is there good communication between you two I guess the other night she said your lips say no but your eyes say yes would you say I have glockoma so how's the actual love life you mean sex yes it's always doggy style Walter yeah she rolls over and plays dead then I just lick myself and go to sleep I'm sorry Walter come on good C when you can paint vivid pictures in everybody's heads that was a then go yes it was say and I Walter thanks everybody that's Walter there we go shut the hell [Applause] up Walter happy to be here oh Overjoyed last week I was lying on of the chale and I couldn't decide gee should I stay in Hawai or go to freaking Santa Ana [Applause] my God I can die happy now fine City I don't give a damn what's wrong with you I don't know it's hot as hell outside my Skin's all dry and itchy you put me in a sweater sure as hell not going to ask you for lotion [Applause] you know you you don't have to do this yeah I could get a real job what would you do I want to be a greeter at [Applause] [Laughter] Walmart what the hell so funny at Walmart what would be your opening line oh Loc under the Walmart get your and get [Applause] out have a nice day anything else wrong I don't know my life and I couldn't find any place to park anywhere near this stinking joint and some jerk pulled up in a brand new Mercedes goes right in the handicap spot he got out of the car and there's nothing wrong with him don't you hate that so I ran his ass over I made an honest man out of them and his mother got out the other side started swinging her crutches at me took her out with the door don't you feel kind of bad a Hell in Carol good thing the police didn't see I ain't afraid of the cops around sand to an you seen some of these guys what cops on bicyles what's wrong with that how intimidating is this sorry L little Jing [Applause] Jing what are they doing they arrest somebody all right in the basket yes ladies I wrote that joke yeah you can tell the rookie cops they got playing cards in their [Applause] [Music] spokes since everybody was coming in tonight they were given an opportunity or two to ask you a question yeah so before the show started I grabbed a small handful yeah I think you should answer him I don't give a damn you pile here in a blue shirt in the front R would you throw one out hello did you feel one out where are you going sit the hell down you bastard this is TV the hell think he's going to take a piss I these are extensive tickets yeah extensive setup lot of production yeah divide it all up that he's gone for three minutes he taking a $600 [Applause] piss dumb ass [Applause] is he coming back okay little late [Applause] right okay [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] what's that guy's first name Mike Mike dumb ass are the sneers H up in the bathroom yes there oh night they're waiting for you like kind of tough to go with all this pressure isn't it m Mike get out Mike's taking a long time could be having trouble what does Knight do for a living Transportation he he's he does transportation what the hell does that mean medical Medical Transportation the is [Applause] that there is welcome back Dum ass Mike could you could you hear us in there Mike somebody pull his string he's not [Applause] talking Mike could you hear us in there I can't hear him oh you could well we could hear you [Applause] you didn't wash your hands [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Laugh Society

Views: 851,394

Keywords: entertainment, comedy, comedians, humor, Comedy Dynamics, sketch, stand up comedy, funny, comedy video, comedy central, laugh factory, just for laughs, comedy show, stand up, best comedy, best comedian, entertainment tonight, Jeff Dunham, Q&A, Funny, ventriloquist

Id: JyxAA0J6KnY

Length: 16min 22sec (982 seconds)

Published: Tue Apr 30 2024