Slender Man Review - YMS

so I just saw Slenderman and it was aa full is in this movie about five years too late does anybody give a shit about Slenderman anymore you'd think that they would go for the angle of trying to recreate that actual Slender Man stabbing that happened but instead they create something that I'm not really exactly sure what they were going for here it felt like they were ripping off several things at once now there's some video that they watch that curses them so it's like a really tame and poorly acted version of the ring I guess and when I say poorly acted I mean oh boy this is one of those movies where you instantly know it's going to be a colossal piece of shit from the first five seconds every performance in this movie is god-awful every single one of the characters is unbelievably phony none of them feel like they're anything close to a real person and it's kind of amusing in a way I don't even think the writers know what these characters are supposed to be if they're just highschool girls I guess too bad the writer is an old man with no comprehension of what a teenage girl actually is the editing in this movie certainly doesn't help either there's this bizarre kind of montage of these girls hanging out and I guess it's implied that there's passage of time after each sentence so it just goes like hahaha you're funny Wow you like literally cannot unsee them let's take a selfie so these stupid girls decide to watch this cursed internet movie for no other reason other than they think that the boys might be doing it too they're like haha it's not real but let's do it anyway but then as soon as they watch the video they're like that was scary I can't say anything something's clearly wrong here even though nothing has happened yet and then for the rest of the movie Slender Man just fucks with them by making them hallucinate they go on a school field trip to a graveyard and they're just such bad friends that they walk away without realizing that they've left one of them behind and they were just staring at the forest and then they disappear for the rest of the movie apparently Slenderman lured her into the forest and her missing that comes a part of the central conflict for the movie the three remaining girls decide that the best way to deal with this is to go into the forest at night and close their eyes in some sort of ritual to summon Slenderman I thought you already summoned him by doing the same shit while watching that internet video we do find out later that the missing girl was just so edgy that she decided to do this secondary ritual by herself but I guess I'm just a little confused on what the point of the whole first ritual was then I guess that one just gave you nightmares anyway the rules say that when you hear the third shitty church bell sound effect then you can open your eyes again but if you open them before that point and see slenderman's face then you'll be crazy forever sorry despite all of them being very thoroughly aware of this one of the girls gets too scared and opens her eyes before the third shitty church bell sound effect I don't know if you're scared of the Slenderman then clearly you buy into the mythology right so why'd you decide to make yourself go crazy also the characters that didn't open their eyes are constantly hallucinating as well so I guess the girl that did is just a special brand of crazy whatever she saw the slender man's face so now she is particularly crazy for the rest of the movie so she just stays in her room for the rest of the movie and is largely forgotten about by both the characters and the film itself she stops showing up to class and her friends start making excuses like she just has a cold she's a little sick do you not give a shit about her at all you don't want to maybe try to console her or hook her up with some sort of therapist or let somebody know that they're going through a rough time or something we get a short scene of this character alone in her room and she hallucinates that Slenderman is strangling her but she's actually strangling herself she just stares at herself in the mirror with her hands around her throat and starts screaming at herself much later in the film her friends briefly remember that she exists and decide to check up on her and by check up on her I mean they stand outside of her house at night and look at her window from a distance conveniently this character is standing in her room looking out the window with a crazy expression on her face and from that alone her two friends decide yeah she is really crazy she's got the ultra crazies we can't save her there's nothing we can do we shouldn't talk to her anymore why did you decide to show up there in the middle of the night in particular anyway it seems like every single conversation these girls have is in the middle of the night outside for no reason I guess it's scarier that way isn't there a missing person right now whether it's actually Slenderman or a serial killer do you really think that you should just be constantly hanging out outside by yourselves in the middle of the night could you not have these same conversations either indoors or in the daytime why would you do this even before Slenderman shows up she's like I don't think we should be doing this at which point her friends response is it's too late now and people in the audience started laughing now I'm gonna jump back to earlier in the movie sorry this is kind of all over the place but there's a decent amount to talk about because this movie is so terrible before they do the forest ritual they decide to look for some clues to get some information on what happened to their missing friend so they go to our house in the middle of the night and see that her dad is drunkenly asleep on the couch and they're like perfect we can sneak upstairs and see if we can find any clues they also mention how the dead always leaves the back door unlocked at this house but instead of just sneaking inside while he's asleep and going upstairs they get one of them to ring the doorbell and wake him up to distract him while the other two girls sneak in through the back and go upstairs would it not have been easier to sneak around his house while he's drunkenly asleep why did you wake him up were you trying to raise the stakes or something I don't understand why you did this there's a really great moment where the girls are talking by their lockers at school and it's really obvious that the girl from wish upon just forgot her line but they kept the take anyway by the way I would highly recommend wish upon for a really funny bad movie anyway she's by her locker and she says something like listen we have to dig into this so that we can find her apparently that was the best take it was pretty funny anyway sure the one girl goes ultra crazy the two remaining girls just start bickering with each other one of them has been really obsessive about the Slenderman and has been spending her time going to the library and doing Google searches she apparently found a lot of information by searching the words pattern of missing children and the other girl is just willfully ignoring everything that's happening and is like I want to date this one guy he really likes me and we're gonna go on a date and I'm gonna be happy and nothing that is happening anymore I don't like you anymore we're angry at each other let's argue in the middle of the night outside so she goes on a date with this guy which means that she shows up at his house in the middle of the night and as soon as she gets inside they put on a record and start making out as if they've spoken more than five words to each other throughout the entire film none of this was developed at all the most we got was them exchanging glances at other points in the movie I'm not even sure they know each other's last names but whatever I guess they're gonna fuck now but as they're making out on the couch she starts hallucinating I guess he gets a really stupid demon face that looks like someone's first attempted After Effects and he just starts yelling like rah I felt like I was watching a sketch from Tim and Eric's bedtime stories it was easily the funniest part of the movie and many audience members were laughing hysterically so after she snaps out of it she's like oh by the way there's this stupid video that I watched but please don't watch it you would be the best if you don't watch it I promise me you won't watch it I love you so much don't watch it and the next day he shows up late to class look at all emo with a costume change like this kid apparently watched the video and the first thing he did was buy a beanie it was really funny pretty much all of the effects in the film were god-awful the Slenderman himself looked like he was plucked straight out of that low-budget Slenderman the eight pages game the computer animation in this film just looked like an unfinished product it was all pretty garbage there were several jump scares in this movie that were literally just people walking by like normal oh no a librarian in the library the film's score fucking sucked and was either the result of lack of talent or lack of effort I don't think any composer would waste any of their good material on a movie like this the whole thing just meanders and dicks around forever one of them hallucinates and then they go on the internet and then they bicker at each other and then one of them elucidates and then they go on the internet and they bicker at each other in the middle of the night and the only reason this movie even ends is because one of the girls decides to sacrifice herself so that the Slenderman will leave this other girl alone she goes into the woods and says take me and then Slenderman turns into a big spider and then turns her into a tree nothing scary you don't give a shit about anybody everything looks like shit nobody talks like a real fucking person none of the sound effects sound like they're actually taking place in the film's universe the film is littered with Sony product placements there's several scenes that are clearly forced into the movie where the characters are looking at scary things happening on their phones also you can see the giant Sony logo on the left-hand side of the screen I'm not sure how many people in the theater actually showed up to this movie on ironically but nobody fucking took it seriously it's a big shitty joke of a film that's both simultaneously boring and hilarious don't show up to this one expecting anything even remotely competent and I'm giving this one a 1 out of 10 [Music]

Channel: YourMovieSucksDOTorg

Views: 1,387,180

Rating: 4.9500098 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: oleNG3ou7Gk

Length: 9min 52sec (592 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 17 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/[deleted]]

I want “THEN WHO WAS PHONE” and “man door hand hook car door” movies.

Clearly Hollywood just discovered creepy pasta so they better include the classics.

[u/boatswain1025]

I bet Adam went into this movie wanting to hate it

[u/TF_dia]

I swear to god that before this movie came out I haven't heard if Slenderman in years.

This is the problem with making movies about fads, the fad takes less time to die than a movie needs to be made.

[u/Canadiot]

I still love the fact that they literally had to write out characters from the second half of the movie in order to make it PG-13 and didnt bother to reshoot this. Why was this made?

[u/killburn]

Damn, YMS & RLM felt pretty much the exact same on a lot of points. IMO it's rare they have such parallel views with a film - must be REALLY noticeable/shit lol.

[u/infernalspawnODOOM]

You're better off watching Marble Hornets/10

[u/Creamcups]

Why does such a terrible movie have such a great poster?

[u/[deleted]]

First Netflix's Kissing Booth, now this, Joey King can't catch a break from shitty films.

Edit: Jesus christ she was in Wish Upon too

[u/polarnoir]

Well, there is one good thing that came out from this movie: this review, and thusly the recommendation of "Wish Upon". Wish Upon, is fucking hysterical and if you haven't see it yet go see it right now.