Should I Get Back With My Ex?

hey hey Tony Gaskins here popping in one answer this question today should you take your ex back now first things first I want you to understand that this is one of the most tricky things in a relationship it's something that I feel like 99% of relationships go through like real relationships go through you come to this crossroad where you have to ask should I take my ex back now understand and I mention this maybe in yesterday's video where I was talking about you know when you take your ex back it's like you're gambling it's like when you you've already went to the casino and lost all the money in your pocket and in your car in and on your car now you're going back and you bout to leverage your house you bout to lose your house your 401k you about to risk that now if you win you hit B then you're gonna be safe but if you lose you're gonna lose B so you have to be very very careful before going back to your ex and you got to make sure now I'm all for because my wife and I we broke up and but it had only been two or three months when we broke up so I hadn't had a million chances I hadn't cheated on her it was you know I hadn't done anything to her she just she just pulled core quick just because I show some signs of insecurity jealousy you know things that left unchecked could have really turned bad and got out of hand so our situation it's a little different if you haven't read our book together a woman's influence make sure you get that it's a little different because it was so quick now if you were together for a year or more that's what things really get tricky if you've known this person and billing this person if you've been sleeping with them or what have you and it's been 12 months or more that's when things get tricky because y'all have had time to learn one another you've had time to learn one another to learn you know he knows what she wants she knows what he wants so to still be messin up to still be going through that's a huge huge red flag so that's why you gotta be extra careful if you're going to take your ex back so know if you are this is not to the person who is trying to get back if you're that ex this is to the person who you left the relationship or you got left but now you are tasked with the choice of should you accept your ex back or not that this video is for that person understand this pump your brakes take your time clear your mind be patient you're gonna have to check your desperation at the door you're gonna have to check your frustration at the door you're gonna have to check your humiliation at the door so understand what I mean sometimes you want to take your ex back because you're humiliated in front of friends and family for a perceived failure sometimes you want to take your ex back out of frustration because you see everybody else seemingly happy in their relationship and then sometimes you want to take your ex back out of desperation because your body clock is ticking and you're ready to be all the way in a marriage and raising a family the healthy way in a home doing everything that you dreamt off so you're gonna have to check those things at the door and take a deep breath we'll saw remember that from the movie wolf saw take a deep breath and just really pause and look at everything and this what you have to do you got to look at it from every angle so one of the main questions is you have to ask yourself what am i because if you were part of the problem - sometimes that's the case what am i and or my ex doing to be better what are we doing to be better what are we doing to learn to grow and to heal like I'm coaching I got to get going here today I'm when my alarm goes off on my phone I'm done I may not be done with the video but I got to cut it off because I got a coach got a coach a client but I'm coaching you know people probably two to four people a day right now in this season it's a busy season because people home and I'm dealing with a lot of exes getting back together I'm seeing that happen a lot ex is considering getting back together or have already gone back and considering to stay for good this time or to leave there's what you got to do you got to ask that question first what has he or she done to change and to grow if you were part of the problem with the breakup what have you done now remember in this work you need to be reading the books you need to be taking the courses don't watching the free videos taking the free courses do the paid if you can you're gonna receive a return on your investment just the act of you paying for something you're gonna appreciate it more and it just acts it activates the universe in a different way than free then give me then it activates the universe in a different way so understand that whatever that you can afford if that's coaching counseling therapy whatever it is make sure you doing it and make sure that your ex is doing it okay if your ex that you are considering taking back getting back with has done nothing substantial to change your growth it's done right there it's done it's done do not skip do not pass go what the game say do not pass go okay no cut it out and I see that happen so often dad the ex is trying to get back in you telling the ex look we need to do coaching or we need to do this with that and they're like no we don't need all that I don't want to do all that I don't want a third person in our business we can do this on our own we can handle this we know how to do this I love you you love me that's all we need is love and they giving you all of that and it sounds good and you want the relationship to work out so you listen dumbest thing you can do you look like booboo the fool you look like who shot John forgot to kill them listen to what I'm telling you okay so after you ask that question what are they doing the change you need to see that action the next thing what you have to do and I'm just coming off the top of the dome so these is know in no particular order really I'm just whatever hit me the next thing that you have to do you're gonna have to set a timeline so how much time do you have do you have three months that you can give to this do you have six months or do you have a year no more than a year though no more than 12 months you set a timeline and this is a trial period this is a probationary period it's kind of like if you get suspended on your job if you get written up on your job after that you're on probation same thing with the law you get in trouble if it's not that bad and you don't have to go to prison then you on probation or you go to jail sometimes you serve your time and you come out of your own probation just to see what you're gonna do so this relationship this is the mistake that people make you can't just pick up where you left off you can't just pick up where you left off you have to start all over you got a court you got to be courting meaning dating building a friendship meaning like you talking like best friends you don't jump right back into the bed don't jump right back into the bed you need to bill here not down there you need to bill here can we communicate can we converse a can we be so riled up so aroused feeling like a hit by the blow open and not come together for intercourse can we do that can we be on that level can we want each other so bad that we did hook so tight that we bite the squeeze each other open can we do that can we talk six hours can we talk all night since we own this especially right now that he'll quarantine can we talk all night and then sleep all day you hit me can you build on friendship meaning communication when I say friendship I don't mean y'all just friends y'all are in a relationship you exclusive but you building like friends see what don't friends do friends don't okay friends ain't only by okay listen to me nine friends ain't on me back friends here friends here okay we're just talking we build in you talking through your once when I say once your wants you're talking through your wants your hopes your desires you're talking through that your fears your worries your dreams you're talking through that both of you talking both of you listening and you taking time see this inside that trial period this is where people make the mistake you come back and did nesting you ripping off clothes and then you in the bed next thing you know your partner has not changed and now y'all got a baby on the way and nothing change from last time but you jump back in out of frustration desperation isolation what I said was the other one and he say I'll isolate them to add that remember now I talk to y'all top of the dawn whatever spirit give me what was the other one you remember it rewind if you forgot you jumping in for the wrong reasons so not boom not y'all back together living together got a house together baby on the way and now right on the other side of what would have been in the trial period right on the other side of what would have been a trial period if the trial period was gonna be three months my for they take a stupid pill go right back to who they were and now you like oh my goodness now we got a baby on the way and they right back to the same person now we got a house in our name or a new lease on an apartment in our new name and they right back that's why you need that trial period the probationary period I'm taking that term and applying it to this how much time do you have if you've given your ex so many check two minutes hands already then you'll try up here if you're gonna do this see I don't always recommend this every situation is different you have to talk to me personally on a coaching session for me to really know so there's not one size fits all there's not one size fits off if you feel like you in a second to the rule that you need to be doing coaching and stop trying to get everything for free 99 online okay understand that so but if you've given what you feel like is enough chances and you're gonna go back just because you want to go back because you don't do what you want to do because you're growing you don't like to listen and your mama been telling your whole life you hard-headed so your trial period need to be three months it need to be three months you ain't got much time to waste you ain't got much time to waste now understand its caveats and nuances to this if they are hot mess if your ex was a hot mess you got cheated on multiple time you went through other kind of stuff and you choosing to go back just your choice now I tell you it's okay to go back I'm not telling you should go back but if you're gonna go back I want you to be prepared if your ex is a hot mess give me I'm talking about hiding ready like Little Caesars then guess what you need a six month minimum trial period probationary period because you coz he listened a person plan a role will eventually forget their act so a person playing a role cannot fake for too long because in this situation everything gonna feel like it's back to normal but see you got the trial period in your mind you got a probationary period of mine you don't tell your ex we're gonna do a three-month trial you don't tell your ex II remember don't let the left hand know it the right hand don't don't come in here giving your game plan away you talking to me you doing the work you getting the knowledge you've this for you don't go say oh we're gonna do a three-month trial okay he just gonna turn off his heart or she whoever they're gonna turn off their heart and they just gonna fake it for three months and then BOOM you own your bike day 91 and then BOOM day 120 on 120 they worse than it was before cuz Noddy got you now they got your luck not you eat you either got a baby on the way or your mare or you two got a house in your name it's gonna be something like that that is binding boom you didn't have a trial period so guess what so you set this try up here if you don't have much time to waste three months if it you know you cut him off early inside of a year inside of two years you'll try up here you feel like you yawn you got some time your trial period be nine months to twelve months in this trial period that you know and you watch it they don't know they're on trial they don't know they're on probation but you know you're watching for red flags you're watching to see signs if they are who that who they were before that's what you watching for okay that's what you're watching for so understand that now on this other side over here in this process why are you doing this and you have this timeline in place the other thing that you need to be doing is you have to have stipulations in place so it need to be some things that they have done already but you gotta keep stipulations in place so if the trial period for however long let's say three months y'all need to be doing coaching every week you need to be doing coaching every week every other week at the least so oh well that costs money if y'all can't afford it it coaches as chief is $25 hour it's therapists as low as $5 $25 hours especially with your insurance if y'all can't afford it then y'all might need to be single so that you could continue working on your life and getting your finances in order and get you a job you might you might need some other stuff you need to get in order before you worry about a relationship okay because when y'all coming together as a team y'all supposed to be strong you could do bad by yourself so if you ain't got a credit card cuz you ain't got good credit there's some other things you need to be getting in order before you weren't about a relationship you need to begin that career in order to get your job situation in order getting your savings situation in order it's some other stuff you need to worry about okay but in this he'll twelve months and now this is this another caveat is the person that's trying to get bite the person is trying to come back that's who need to be making the sacrifice if you were the innocent party then the person who trying to get back need to be paying for the coaching or therapy or whatever it is the books the courses that person need to be going in their pocket and sacrificing to show just how serious they are don't just a problem what a lot of women have a lot of women will write into me for the ex-husband or ex-boyfriend saying hey I want to sign him up for coaching with you he grown why you holding his hand like his mama let him send an email let him get the electronic invoice that all he have to do is click pay now and enter the car information let him take initiative and all you there you just there for moral support stop holding his hand like you was mama or vice versa like you are daddy let the person who in the wrong who trying to get back in let them show themselves approve let them do the work see that's the thing a lot of times you allow your ex to forego the work you give them a pass or they do Jess enough they do just enough you oh you know me give you 12 months to have four sessions what didn't grow from that ain't no growth gonna come from that they sending the counselor office she sang a lot so dollar bill loose booty and she just went to school to become a counselor and just the loose and she wanna be seeing now on old town roll riding like a cowboy while here now on the couch you think he and again help he had not getting enrolled oh yeah oh yeah this happening oh yeah this happening so when your ex trying to get back that's what you need to do you pick the counselor the therapist or the coach don't let them go piss on mine because it might pick somebody easy that they know they could get over on did they know they could get one half of the story the other thing that you need to do you need to sit in on a session oh yeah get your ear for you need to sit in on the sessions mm-hmm and if it's by phone you need to hear it's on speakerphone or you own three way and you listening see the coaches on my mentor that life that's a website my mentor dot life they coached by phone so you get your whole earful we won't do it in person because I'll just not be just because of the situation we're in but I wanted to create something that moves coaches to virtual to minimize on the Jezebel spirit interacting in the air and the minimize coaches and counselors and therapists having the client on they bite oh yeah they don't talk about that but it's a lot of that going on because it's energy so I only coach my phone I only cook on one all your energy I don't want all your energy on coaching my phone ain't looking after no hour okay and sitting in person with you for no Iowa I'm talk to you about phone so you need to begin your ear for while your ex getting that coaching so that way you also can hold them accountable you can hold them accountable if you gonna go back now listen you not really gave him chances in the relationship why'd y'all together so in this probationary period if he or she takes a stupid pill it's done you cut them in you're going on about your life you cut them and you go on about your life now understand something now when it comes back if they're coming back out of ego especially men die men come back out of ego a lot of times what you're gonna have to do this next thing what you gonna have to do is you're gonna have to take yourself through some scenarios and ask yourself these questions okay ask yourself these questions ask yourself do you question and you ask some of these questions who'll but here's some of the questions that I ask and 95% of my clients women so I'm pretend I'm talking to a one I'm gonna say okay if you take him back and you get pregnant and why are you pregnant you find out that he has another woman pregnant are you gonna be able to get up move on with your life and heal and love one day like you've never been hurt before if the answer is no if your answer is absolutely freaking not he will be in somebody deep freeze them and I will be doing life if that's your answer didn't you shouldn't be going back if your answer to any question if we're together okay if you get back with your ex y'all together five years you get married in a year you buy a house or build a house in two years you in the house even started your family three years into this new house which is started family new family he goes he gets weak because he doesn't have a life coach he doesn't have a real relationship with God he gets weak and he goes and he cheats on you you find out five years in now you got a house together you got more kids together if you didn't already house on and you find out you're cheating will you be able to pack your things you don't work you don't work because you dare with the kids you'll stay at home on your home maker you what they call the homemaker I mean first time I saw that on the thing where you select what you do I thought it was somebody who build houses but that's what they call some a stay-at-home mom a homemaker I was like wow I thought it was somebody would build houses and so you're a homemaker they tried to make it sound good you know and it's a lot of work now there's a lot of work I do not want to trade places with a stay-at-home mom I do not a lot of people sleep on that a lot of women hate on that listen when you become stay-at-home all your but might wish you lose back working cuz even kids weren't you crazy around the house you hit me you'll be playing duck duck goose for eight hours and wishing you could be you know somebody cubicle or office stealing money on the clock so understand is take yourself through this scenario five years in to the new relationship that you can went back to you get cheated on are you gonna be able to file for divorce pack your bags go get first and last month's rent from a friend or on your credit card and get into you your own place put him on child support and move on with your life are you truly gonna be able to do that and let's say you two three kids deep let's say you and your dream house that you helped build from the ground up let's say you loving the stay-at-home mom like cuz you're going to music class you're going to yoga class with the kids y'all at the bounce house y'all I mean you living like you and the moms Club is five six of y'all y'all just living laughing mocktails in the middle of day-t time ouu loving life and then bone affair hit you are you gonna be able to pack up and walk away if the answer is no then don't go back to the relationship see in every scenario take yourself make it even deeper make it even deeper make it even deeper you take them back you contract the sexually transmitted disease that you can't get rid of find out that that came from him teen on you are you gonna be able to walk away knowing that it could be extremely hard for another man to know you have this new contraction and to want to give it the relationship a chance knowing that it's gonna make it harder it's not impossible but it's gonna be harder just to be honest with you it's gonna be harder now so put that in the equation with that be in the circumstance are you gonna be able to walk away if you walking away means that you're gonna be single for the rest of your life are you gonna be able to walk away if you walking away means that you're gonna be a single parent for the rest of your life are you gonna be willing to walk away that's what you got to ask yourself and when I say walk away I'm saying walk away heal and prepare for love if it is to come again I'm not saying crawl away you feel it just in the world you don't want to live you finna get on all kind of pill you finna be just a vegetable I'm not talking about that okay you might as well stay if you just fiddle crawl and just live like a vegetable curled up in the fetal position for the rest of your life but I'm saying walk away he'll grow get better if the answer is no I won't I'm back from that then don't go back don't go back remember it ain't worth going back to the casino if you lost all your money and everything on your car it ain't worth going back and putting the slip up for you your pink slip for your car yeah yeah you deed up to your house it ain't worth all of that unless you can lose it and start all over with self-love strength and confidence don't risk it if you can't afford to lose it that's what I need you to understand so you got to take yourself to those scenarios and if you say yes it's worth giving this another shot and whatever comes with this STD children housing both our name and you don't build an asset starting companies building companies building brands whatever come with this I will be willing to drop it all and walk away if they do me nasty again that's the only way you should give your ex another chance if that right there and so but guess what now this is what you got understand if you have the trial period the three months six months nine months twelve months twelve months is max if you go back to your ex and you stayed twelve months in that twelve months you ain't happy leave your relationship cut it down no matter what happening them twelve months that's why whatever your time period is you need not be on your bike because you don't want to start a family until they didn't pass their probationary period till they come on probation don't start no family because you're gonna be stuck don't buy no house together in both of y'all name don't get no cars together both y'all don't start no business in both of y'all name like don't do anything that is binding on this probationary period whatever it is three six nine twelve whatever it is don't do anything binding because you need to be free to walk away if you see the red flags and see that your ex that claim to have change really has not changed understand that understand that so now when you go back if you if you love and you grew in the interim and you learn and you grew and you should change when you get back together if you get back together it could actually be better than it was the last time around it is possible for that because your ex could see that you are a new person you a better person you've learn you've grown you've changed and they know that they got to learn grow and change and be a better person to be on your level and so the two of you being operating in your highest self being the best that you can be then the two of you will actually be able to from that point now the two of you can take and love one another more and be happier because you're you're both better and this is the thing the number one thing I see happening in a lot of the cases in most of the cases not all though is going back the man goes back out of ego or the woman goes back out of desperation or loneliness or something nine out of ten times X's go back to each other for the wrong reason it is not for love is for an extenuating circumstance is for underlying feeling is for something else that they're not recognizing or admitting to is the reason they're going back and it's not because of love because of pure love because a lot of times you broke up you broke up for a reason now you can be that exception to the rule you can be the exception but you just got to make sure that you know that you know that you know that you are the exception to the rule so hey that's some of the guidelines right there I got to get going cuz I got a coach so I don't just do our video just a dorm I only doing it spirit you're pointing out him and I got a whole lot to say if you need more than this right here on this video that means you need coaching okay understand me sometimes do the videos hour-long 30 even 30 minutes it's too much for a lot of people and y'all still be having questions when you got all these questions and you got the intricate questions that is specific only to you I see y'all in the comments sometimes I listen you need coaching that ain't a math issue that's your issue you need coaching so if you know that's the case look in the description and visit my mentor dot like and book a session with one of the coaches I'm on there as well but just look through you know you can select the topic that you want coaching on that'll narrow it down so you could just look through coaches read BIOS and book a session with a coach if you need more than what these videos are providing for you it is Tony Gaskins god bless you what also

Channel: Tony Gaskins

Views: 31,581

Rating: 4.948688 out of 5

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Id: e5Oxk8_1fpw

Length: 34min 21sec (2061 seconds)

Published: Wed Apr 15 2020