- Maybe you should tell him the Astonishing Tales of Costanza. - I should. My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents. - You ever see Tommy Tune dancing? You have no eye for fashion. - I have no eye for fashion?
- All right. - Your body of work in
this field is unparalleled. - I could go bummer-to-bummer
with anyone on this planet. - You're the man. - Where do you get your genes from? - That's what I'd like to know. (piano music) Mom, Dad. I was hoping that you could help me to remember my childhood
a little more clearly. - I feel a draft. Let's change tables. - Get out of here, we have a booth. - Frank, I'm cold. - Order a hot dish. - Why can't we sit over there? - That's not a booth! - So who says we have to sit in a booth? - I didn't take the subway
all the way to New York to sit at a table like that! - Well, I didn't take a subway
to be in a drafty restaurant! - Now, George, what do you want to know about your childhood? - Actually, I think
I'm pretty clear on it. - This kid's going places, I told you. - The NBC guy liked it? - Of course he liked it. - He told you he liked it? - He wouldn't put it on
if he didn't like it. - Well, what are you doing? - I'm writing. - You know how to write? - Without the writing, you have nothing. You're the ones that make them look good. - Since when do you know how to write? I never saw you write anything. - Ma! - I don't know how you're
gonna write all those shows. And where are you gonna get all the ideas? - Would you leave him alone? You'll shatter his confidence. - I don't need any ideas. It's a show about nothing. - Nothing, please. I'll tell you the truth. The whole thing sounds
pretty stupid to me. I always knew you had beautiful hands. I used to tell people. Frank, didn't I used to
talk about his hands? - Who the hell did you
ever mention his hands to? - I mentioned his hands
to plenty of people. - You never mentioned them to me. (snaps fingers) - Hand me an emery board. - I always talk about your hands, how they're so soft and milky white. - No, you never said milky white. - I said milky white! - So, I talked to Phil Casacof today. - Phil Casacof? - Yeah, you know, my friend, the bra salesman. He says they're looking
to maybe put somebody on, so I got you an interview
next Friday with his boss. - Next Friday, what time? - 2:00. - That's my whole afternoon! I was gonna look for sneakers. - You can look for sneakers the next day! - He doesn't know anything about bras. - I know a little. - Besides, what do you have to know? - Well, it wouldn't hurt to go in and be able to discuss it intelligently. - So, my father opened his shirt... - Yeah, and? - Tell him, Kramer. - He had breasts. - What do you mean, breasts? - Big breasts. - So what? A lot of older men have that. - No, not these. These were real hooters. Does your back hurt? - How did you know? - Well, it's obvious. You're carrying a lot of
extra baggage up there. - Up here?
- Oh yeah, top floor. Listen, Frank, have you ever considered wearing something for support? Now look at this. Mind you, this is just a prototype. - You want me to wear a bra? - No, no. A bra is for ladies. Meet the Bro. (upbeat music) - Oh, my god. - "Dear son, Happy Festivus"? What is Festivus? - It's nothing, it's nothing. - When George was growing up--
- Jerry, no. - His father--
- No! - Hated all the commercial
and religious aspects of Christmas, so he
made up his own holiday. - Oh, and another piece of
the puzzle falls into place. - All right. - And instead of a tree, didn't your father put
up an aluminum pole? - All right, Jerry, stop it. - And then weren't there feats of strength that always ended up with you crying? - I can't take it anymore,
I'm going to work! You happy now? - Many Christmases ago, I
went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they
had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way. - What happened to the doll? - It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. A Festivus for the rest of us. - That must've been some kind of doll. - She was. (metal scraping) - Well, Happy Festivus. - What is that? Is that the pole? - George, Festivus is your heritage. It is part of who you are. - That's why I hate it. - There's a big dinner Tuesday
night at Frank's house. Everyone's invited. - George, you're forgetting
how much Festivus has meant to us all. I brought one of the cassette tapes. - [Frank] Read that poem. - [George] I can't read
it, I need my glasses. - [Frank] You don't need glasses! You're just weak, you're weak! - [Estelle] Leave him alone! - [Frank] All right, George. It's time for the Festivus
Feats of Strength. - No, no! Turn it off! No feats of strength! I hate Festivus! - We had some good times. - You know, when I was
a kid, we didn't have these elaborate birthday parties with catered food and entertainment. I remember my seventh birthday party. - Blow out the candles!
Blow out the candles, I said, blow out the damn candles! - Stop it, Frank, you're killing him! - Blow out the candles! - Oh, my god! This was in our bed. - What is this? A prophylactic wrapper? - What is this doing on my bed? - I don't know. - I'll see you later. - You were having sex on our bed? - Yes. - Who told you you could
have sex in our bed? - Well, my bed is too small. - Your bed is too small? I'm gone two weeks and
you turn our house into... into Bourbon Street? - Where am I going to sleep? - What are you talking about? - I can't sleep in there. - Of course you can. - I can't. I can't! - That's it. You're grounded. - You can't ground me, I'm a grown man. - You want to live here? You'll respect the rules of our house. You're grounded! Move your seat forward. - It's as far as it goes. - There's a mechanism. You just pull it and
throw your body weight. - I pulled it, it doesn't go. - If you want the leg room,
say you want the leg room. Don't blame the mechanism! - All right, Dad, we're
five blocks from the house. Sit sideways.
- Like an animal. Because of her, I have to
sit here like an animal. Serenity now! Serenity now! - What is that? - Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells
me to say, "serenity now!" - Are you supposed to yell it? - The man on the tape wasn't specific. - What happened to the screen door? It blew off again? - I told you to fix that thing. - Serenity now! George. Your mother and I and
Kramer have been talking. - Oh, god. - George, your parents can't
blow through their savings in this community, it's low rent. Now we feel that Florida
is really the place where they should be. - You can drop a grand in
Disney World like that. - Hey, how is Florida? - We just bought a new place down there. - I know, we were looking at the brochure. - You what? - Why, you thinking of moving? - No, not really. - Because if you are, you shouldn't. There's nothing available
in that development. - Are you telling me there's
not one condo available in all of Del Boca Vista? - That's right. They went like hotcakes. - How'd you get yours? - Got lucky. - Are you trying to keep
us out of Del Boca Vista? - I know this doesn't seem
like work to any of you, but if you could perhaps conduct the psychopath convention down the hall. If I could just get a
little personal space. - Hi, Mr. Costanza, what's-- - Where's your friend, Kramer? - I don't know, why? - Because I'm looking for him, that's why. He stopped short. - What do you mean? - In the car with my
wife, he stopped short. You think I don't know what that's about? That's my old move. I used it on Estelle 40 years ago. I told everybody about it. Everybody knows, (grunting) I stop short. - Really, stopping short. That's a good move. - You're not kidding, it's a good move. - Hey, Frank. - Don't "Frank" me, I know what you did. How dare you stop short with my wife? - Come on, Frank, relax. I don't even know what
you're talking about. - You think I don't know? Ass man! To think, I almost split the profits on the Manssiere with you. - Bro.
- Manssiere. - Bro!
- Manssiere! (screaming) - Welcome back. (gasping) Pretty quick for a catered affair. - I don't know what you mean. - You ditched me. That's twice. Now I demand
to know what's going on. - George, we've had it with you. Understand? We love you like a son, but
even parents have limits. - The breakups, the firings, and every Sunday with the calls. - What my wife is trying to say is this is supposed to be our time. - I'm not following. - I'm sorry, George,
we're cutting you loose. - You're cutting me loose? Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna make love to your mother. (phone ringing) - Hello? - Ma! Guess what? - Oh, my god. - No, it's nothing bad. I'm getting married. - You're what? - I'm getting married. - Oh, my god, you're getting married? - Yes!
- Oh, I can't believe it. Frank, come here! - [Frank] You come here. - Georgie's getting married. - What?
- Georgie's getting married! Get the hell outta here,
he's getting married? - Yes.
- To a woman? - Of course, a woman. What's she look like? - I'm sure she's plenty gorgeous. - What difference does it
make what she looks like? - Is she pretty? - Yes, she's pretty, what
difference does it make? - Well, I'm just curious! - She's not pretty? - Let me talk to her. - She wants to talk to you. - Hello? - Congratulations. - I just want you to know that
I love your son very much. - You do?
- Yes. - Really?
- Yes. - May I ask why? - Okay, let me talk-- - Will you stop? I'm on the telephone. - Can I talk to her, please? (grunting) - In closing, these stories
have not been embellished because they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly,
the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow-witted, bald man. Thank you. Oh, also, my fiancee died from
licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. Thanks again. (sobbing) (theme music)
