Jackie Chiles perfect attorney

so you know my friend and I we were going to the movies and we stopped off and bought this cafe latte mmm what is that like Italian coffee yeah that's right have milk have coffee yeah mm-hmm you take a sip yes I did no when you took a sip did you notice it was hot we've been sip it in your normal fashion I wasn't able to sip it in my normal fashion mm-hmm all right all right you take big sins well I think I take a normal set okay you take normal sips nothing wrong with that then what happened well you know they don't allow outside drinks in the movie theatres so I had to put it in my shirt and sneak it in yeah they like to sell their own coffee yeah now is that gonna be a problem yeah that's gonna be a problem there's gonna be problem for them there's a clear violation of your rights as a consumer it's an infringement on your constitutional rights it's outrageous egregious for Busta's come on a preposterous so then what happened well I was trying to get to my seat I had to step over someone and I kind of got pushed and it spilled on me was there a top on it yeah did you put the top on the date with the top one for you they put the top on and they made the top you didn't make the top picture Susan I want you to go down to job world get me a cafe latte with the top we're gonna run some tests on that time have you been to the doctor no no I haven't Susie call dr. bison set up an appointment for mr. Cramer here tell him it's for me so uh what do you think mr. Charles Jackie Jackie I mean we got a chance do we have a chance you get me one coffee drinker on that jury you won't walk out of there rich man put the bomb on who told you to put the bomb on I didn't why'd you put the bomb on you have you been to see the doctor if you're gonna put a bomb on let a doctor put a bomb I guess I screwed up hi Jackie you damn right you're screwed up where the hell'd you get that damn bomb anyway the maestro the who good about maestro my friend he's a conductor Oh so a maestro tells you to put a bomb on and you do it while my stomach was burning I think what this is this is a public you million well I didn't know the bomb was gonna work do you know what a bomb is you have to see the bomb didn't you read the instructions well I mean no one can tell what a bombs gonna do they're unpredictable I'm sorry daddy pull over here driver this is it yeah I say we offering $50,000 that's it take it or leave it how do we know how severe the burns are why don't we have them examined by a doctor listen the faster we dispose of this the better this thing gets into the paper it'll kill us all right well start with 50,000 and free coffee in all of our stores yes mr. Chow's and mr. Kramer are here send them in gentlemen come in now we don't want to take up much of your time let's make this short and sweet hey we're prepared to offer you all the free coffee you want at any of our stores throughout North America and you're a plus I'll take it you now take it I'll take it who told you to take it did I tell you take it no I know the Viceroy didn't tell you take it he wasn't there well I thought you're lucky to get anything free coffee I don't want free coffee it's not hard to get coffee I can get my own damn coffee I wanted him after that plus I didn't hear any plus 20 years practicing law I've never experienced anything like this look Java hey listen I'm gonna get out here get myself a free cafe what do you think Stan let's go for the green no good lawyer Joe you're driving the car you wouldn't friend minding your own business then whatever well then we saw this woman and she was wearing a bra with no top no top she didn't have a top on yeah so I got distracted and I crashed the car well how would you describe this woman would you say she was an attractive woman oh yeah so we got an attractive woman wearing a bra no top walking around in broad daylight she's plotting society's conventions she was floating it's totally inappropriate Rubeus salacious outrageous it was outrageous and she's the heir to the old Henry candy bar fortune could you repeat that I said she's the heir to the old Henry candy bar fortune oh Henry that's one of our top selling candy bars that Charlie peanuts know be delicious stop standing have you been to adduct no Susie call dr. bison set up an appointment of mr. crane tell him it's for me so what do you think Jackie and we got a case like taking candy from a baby what was your golf score the last round you played before your shoulder was in three under par three under par that's what the professionals you didn't have well if they're lucky what would you tell this jury exactly what you saw at the corner of 83rd Street and Columbus I don't remember well did you or did you not see the defendant wearing the bra I don't know maybe mr. Seidel I might remind you that you are under oath now I ask you again did you or did you not see this woman wearing a bra all right no questions your honor miss step down well I think we got this wrapped up yeah what's your read Stan you're close you're on the green you just have to go for the cut what do you mean ever try on the bra see if it fits no no no do it Jackie Stan's the man Stan who Dale is dead he's my caddy your caddy this is a big mistake good ood Your Honor we request at this time Ms miski try on the bra this Court will come to order go ahead miss Mickey try it on it doesn't fit I've been practicing law for 25 years you listen to a caddy this is a public humiliation you can't let the defendant have control of the key piece of evidence plus she's trying it on over leotard of course a bras not gonna fit on over leotard a bras got a fit right up against the person's skin good like a glove that's her officer Kramer oh my god I thought you were sleeping with the fishes I guess I woke up under arrest for the attempted murder of Cosmo Kramer I didn't do anything oh yeah yeah get your coat you got to take you in can I call my lawyer okay go ahead you gotta meet me at the police station they were arresting me for attempted murder attempted murder oh wow this guy Kramer Oh Cosmo Kramer yeah that's right I don't want nothing to do with it my vacation was restful miss blendin magnificent in fact next time I'm planning on going to Corfu oh no Jack forget it no wait better you brought me nothing but amount of misfortune and humiliation now get Jacky I said Oh Jackie I think I got a case it gets it to Beca companies know who the tobacco companies I've been one a piece of infinities I get it people miss will yet tobacco company has turned this beautiful specimen into a horrible twisted freak who could love me I disagree in fact I feel mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity rugged the man's a goblin he's only been exposed to smoking for days by the time this case gets to trial he'll be nothing more than a shrunken head all right mr. Giles you'll have our offer by tomorrow good day gentlemen bye-bye Jackie check you did it we rich you better believe it Jackie's cashing in on your wretched disfigurement that's Jack see it's a little puzzling we haven't gotten that offer yet well mrs. Wilke from the tobacco company called me we had a little power a powwow who told you to have a power I didn't tell you'd have a power she made an offer I took how much no no no money then what do we get check it out the most public care of my many humiliations who told you to put the cheese off did I tell you to put the cheese on I didn't tell you to put the cheese on you people with the cheese it never ends hello mm-hmm mmhmm mm-hmm Good Samaritan Law but you don't have to help anybody that's what this country is all about that's the ball unfathomable improbable hola Susie Casimir I put him with dr. bison in a pack a bag for me I want to get to Latham Massachusetts right away they are going to be held accountable this time they are the ones who will pay mr. child I am shocked and chagrined mortified and stupefied this trial is outrageous it is a waste of the taxpayers time and money it is a travesty of justice that these four people have been incarcerated while the real perpetrator is walking around lap lyin and laughing laughing and liar you know what these four people were they were innocent bystanders now you just think about that term innocent bystanders because that's exactly what they were we know they were bystanders nobody's disputing that so how can a bystander be guilty no such thing have you ever heard of a guilty bystander no because you cannot be a bystander and be guilty bystanders are by definition innocent that is the nature of my standing but no they want to change nature here they want to create a whole new animal look guilty bystander don't you let them do it only you can stop Oh Jackie you're so articulate we have plenty of time to this jury could be out for days hello okay they're ready buddy don't wait for me all right we gotta get out of here we want to beat the traffic let's go what oh and by the way they're real and they're spectacular

Channel: John Dillinger

Views: 3,762,076

Rating: 4.8605061 out of 5

Keywords: Seinfeld, Cosmo, Kramer, the, maestro, caddy, friars, club, abstinence, comeback, finale

Id: jpcEietIoxk

Length: 12min 53sec (773 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 17 2010

Reddit Comments

[u/RudyPMagic]

"It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous!" How can you not love this character? The absolute goat.

[u/Aannon]

Call Dr. Bison, set up an appointment for Mr. Kramer. Tell him it's for me.

[u/RantsWithRogers]

Best show of all time! Everything in life always comes back to Seinfeld! Thanks for posting!

[u/Homebrewingislife]

You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on!

[u/Caramel_Chew_Chew]

I always love the awful suits Kramer wears. Where does he find them??

[u/x777x777x]

A bra's gotta fit right up against the skin! Like a glove!

[u/sausage-deluxxxe]

My favourite part of the finale was David Putty’s one word line. It was perfect.

[u/[deleted]]

Yo face is my case.

[u/Scubasteve1974]

Yup! Great character and awesome preformance!