Season 2 Funny Moments - Silicon Valley (HBO)

we're standing on the field of the World Series champions it's totally lost on me yeah I don't give a [ __ ] either hey I'm Nicole Stein I leave the girls team at stern-taylor oh I'm Dinesh I'm guilfoyle I love it so what are you to do at Pied Piper I'm the CTO ah he's joking I'm the CTO [ __ ] you I'm joking okay how could you be chief technology officer I get it you hear the word chief and you think Indian chief but you're the other kind of Indian okay one [ __ ] you I'm Pakistani and - how could you be CTO of anything you have to be able to organize you have to be able to delegate you have to delegate you to go get me a [ __ ] beer while I talk to Nicole Jorge silver operating partner stern sailor so what do you do a pie Piper he's the CTO yeah totally I know thanks javi no I mean they're watching you right now oh damn it where is that camera you and that is the very first spot in our new campaign heralding the upcoming release of nucleus this January at CES any questions I have a question that was horrible I just got humiliated by a [ __ ] teenager at TechCrunch Disrupt and you give me this tampon ad a girl with diabetes on a swing I think she has cancer at least that's how I read it I don't care what kind of disease she had all I care about is that nucleus is better than Pied Piper mr. Bachmann I didn't have you come all the way back here today just to apologize to me please its Erlich and you didn't of course not I I asked you back because well three days ago I sat right here and I watched you put your testes on this reclaimed Brazilian koa wood table and now you're gonna sit there and you're gonna watch me do the same goddamn thing Dean my turn I don't but it's your table yes it is my team oh man job please don't do that how am I supposed to tell them this in my experience it's best to look a person in the eye and deliver the information with warmth and compassion okay one other suggestion address unattractively when you tell them I I read a study the less sexual interest they feel for you the less perturbing it will be it sounds strange but it's credible may I suggest the beige ensemble in which you came to work Tuesday things are just really different at raviga and i had nothing to do with the decision guys I'm I'm so so sorry wait so the company that offered us the most until Richard talked them into offering us the least is now offering us nothing but the fact that you're so sorry makes it all better at your behavior was boorish and juvenile you were rude vulgar and uncouth you were coarse graceless and puerile obscene insulting and ignorant ignorant you called me a [ __ ] riddled anal wasteland you called me a chode gargling [ __ ] toilet we're really excited to be in business with you guys oh yo just want to thank everyone for coming out to this Kickstarter party for bro the app that proves that you can change the world in just one word actually it's just half a word I know so efficient now as you can see which is 5,000 away from our goal we got a whole hour left people so let's get those Brown Asians going donations are funny right I mean why would anybody donate to something like bro and not a homeless shelter or schools cancer that's still out there any of us could have it food for thought which a lot of people also don't have have a great party guys you can donate if you want but he's throwing away half the world's market you know what bro means in Mandarin it means [ __ ] you know what bro means in Portuguese rapists in Latvian it roughly translates to one who behaves the Messiah in Finnish bro means a baby's erection in or Dubrow is actually short for bro dollar which means a dildo for a man a man's dildo fecal eclipse loses something in translation we don't have a word for it they do it's bro you know what bro means in Navajo a really joyful person with mental disabilities all right billionaires are people too we are leaders in technology in industry in finance look at history do you know who else vilified a tiny minority of Finance ears and progressive thinkers called the Jews what wait a minute did you just compare the treatment of billionaires in America today to the plight of the Jews in Nazi Germany absolutely one could argue that billionaires are actually treated worse and we didn't even do anything wrong we're in even smaller minority there's a lot more of them the facts and when you're really worth something I'm gonna take you back to those same spineless VCS who said no and I'm gonna shove you right up their [ __ ] um firstly congratulations on finally being funded I hope you took a little time out to enjoy this moment and celebrate I certainly did you did I did indeed I celebrated earlier this morning you did this morning yeah but I see a McLaren 650s with the extra trim package pull into the driveway or did I not yep so this is the team huh whoa I'm just gonna say it this guy [ __ ] am i right cuz I'm looking at the rest of you guys this is the guy now is doing all the [ __ ] am i right you know I'm right this guy ox thank you hey what's up al-qaeda I'm totally kidding I'm defusing detention with humor what tension does tension of course not seriously no beheadings all right Roz Han and he doing [ __ ] oh man I want to know what kind of fucked-up childhood this guy had alright fellas what are we doing here mr. Hanneman I am Erlich Bachman I am the owner and proprietor of this house so I can give you a tour of the premises if you like show you where the actual [ __ ] happens not good Gavin your visitors are here ah gentlemen and lady Shalom Aleichem thank you for coming today to open a dialogue now if you'll follow me in an effort to hardwire sensitivity into our corporate mind space I'm having a scale replica of the hall of names at Yad Vashem constructed right next to the bike shop all right hit it hard boys this guy [ __ ] you know Russ I've been known to [ __ ] myself morning you put your soda cans in the green one okay that's not right the green is for grass leaves okay the blue one is for recycling go ahead and put those in there yeah very good the black one is for all other trash do you understand yes which is for burning no we don't burn trash in this country it's illegal you never burn trash okay can you say that I never burn trash I never burn trash yes what about garbage [ __ ] are you [ __ ] me you see this Richard what is this a spoon it's a wide spoon in fact the only spoon type that is left in this world I specifically post a note on the refrigerator saying that the more narrow spoons be reserved for the eating of fire yogurt by me look at this the angles all wrong aren't you supposed to just dip that little plastic cup part up and dump the jam into the yogurt how would you know that have you been eating my file yeah yogurts no I saw it on the Billboard know what they don't tell you on the billboards is that you can't get all of it out look at that you have to dig it out but you can't dig it out with these biggest hell wide [ __ ] spoons this isn't about the spoons is it Erlich this is about Jarrad Pataki and this is about me not letting you tell me who I can or can't hire or maybe it's about the fact that you're the one who's been using my narrow spoons okay you and I both have to get ready for a board meeting can we just stop with a nonsense nonsense yeah this is nonsense yeah you know half the yogurts gonna go unused because one quarter of the jam can't come out alright jinyang don't talk to anybody else when we get inside don't talk to me evening misty how will you be paying sir excuse me your donation what's your preferred method of payment oh no he's already paid for we're guests of Russ Hanneman uh yes he reserved the tickets but you have to pay for them oh uh okay how much are they 25 cells um it's it for but for booth no no per ticket uh there's no possible way that we can pay that so what do we do here well there are a number of other ways to help preserve the muir woods we do a volunteer cleanup program every weekend yeah I don't give a [ __ ] about the muir woods I need to get in there sir if you can't pay for the tickets I really don't see how that's possible what if we do like a little in and out thing I just go in there ten minutes you know have one cocktail two three maximum he doesn't eat yes I'm hungry gentlemen I'm gonna need you to move aside for the other guests you want me to email Russ Hanneman right now you don't have process email but I have is I have the phone number of the person who works in his office does anybody have an extra ticket my investor cannot pay that's actually not true uh they think they must have misplaced the tickets no we have everyone's tickets here can you please check Eric Bachman er I see it's not at all how it's spelled here let's go check how'd a nice night thank you thank what scuse me come on let's go do you have a tick I damnit jinyang come here agent yang how was uh how was last night it was sad Eric he promised me dinner was a bigger meat big meat vehicle meet people meet people thing people say no you can't come in wait so you guys didn't get him we went to Taco Bell Eric he started crying in Taco Bell try to play my taco sauce you smell something burning goddamnit jinyang sir it's actually pretty interesting if you're into that sort of stuff hello stop talking immediately come inside don't look at me don't look at me don't look at me just tell them that you [ __ ] your pants and go weak knees this is your home do you live in the workplace but you also work from home it's to be really confusing for you yes as a matter of fact it is that's kind of them does it look dark to you guys oh hey guys Jude what the [ __ ] the powers up okay fine I wanted to set up one GPU just one and so I turned the power on and the whole system lit up and yeah did you dick cuz I bypassed the meter to save money and went directly to the feet without the ups ready that surge just fragged the whole [ __ ] system holy [ __ ] what the hell did you guys do the power in the whole block is down great what thing Oh God look who it is We Need to Talk guys hold on a sec no or whatever you're gonna say just say it from there we can hear you if you didn't have so many cars parked here maybe I could get through it's really gonna go all the way around there's a long ways hold on Jesus Christ a battery for Christ's sake justice sad just yell it it's okay Noah we get it you can say it from there you're gonna report us to the city inspector right Jesus guess what I'm reporting you to the city inspector right it is 4:00 in the morning what the why are you both wearing kimonos now are you familiar with the California Fish and Game Code section 21 16 - 21 26 with regard to the possession and harboring of ferrets Oh God oh yeah those little shits are illegal Erlik please dump up I'll do it no yeah you will we are here to stay and you're gonna keep that bearded little hole in the center of your face shut about listen uh I'm just trying to no you listen you're always going on and on about how this is such a good neighborhood do you know why it's such a good neighborhood do you know why your shitty house is worth 20 times what you paid for it in the 1970s because of people like us moving in and starting illegal businesses in our garages all the best companies Apple Google hewlett-packard even on the ATO all of them were started in unknown garages that is why Silicon Valley is one of the hottest neighborhoods in the world because of people like us not because of people like you so if I catch even so much as a dirty glance or a lascivious look in Richards direction that is it those weasels are dog food okay okay Oh guest house yes is your guest house currently rented out no it's not for rent valid mother [ __ ] is now your new tenant is Jared done his rent will be exceedingly reasonable and his utilities will be included he speaks German in the night well if you'll excuse us we have an illegal business to run Erlich ladies and gentlemen for the last 90 minutes you've had an opportunity to explore a standard hooli phone upgraded with a brand new operating system called nucleus thank you all for being here Allen Lisa Josh Yana Katie Ramone don't like to get everyone's first impressions who'd like to jump in anyone how about you Ramon it's just stupid okay so Ramon feels the phone is stupid could you elaborate Ramon stupid how please be as specific as possible Ramon well it's slow the apps keep quitting on me I tried to watch a movie and it kept freezing up and when I'm typing like there's a delay then all the letters pop up at once you took a good phone and you made it all like shitty keep in mind I didn't design the phone it pissed me off I appreciate your honesty Ramon it's not just one guy's opinion who else feels this product is stupid Allen Lisa Josh Yana Katie and did it piss off anyone else Allen Lisa Josh Yana Katie Christina how bad is this be honest is this Windows Vista bad it's not iPhone 4 pad is it [ __ ] don't tell me this is Zune bed I'm sorry Gavin at Apple Maps bad and who else felt this product is messed up Allen Lisa Josh yeah I'm sorry for the disturbance Allen Lisa Josh Yana you know what double-a our luck was right you are an [ __ ] in fact you're a double [ __ ] what did you call me I called you a double [ __ ] cuz you know you're being an [ __ ] double-a double-asshole you know you're twice the [ __ ] twice hole double [ __ ] oh is that a colostomy bag do you have any idea what it's like to be ten years old and carry your own [ __ ] around in a bag to have two [ __ ] sure I didn't know hey Richard we should go opportunities urinate all Blaine's great grief threesome with Gina and Blaine's hot mom question mark what the [ __ ] I didn't know but I mean you were being an [ __ ] okay good luck to his face you call them that to its face how could you not mention the colostomy bag because it's a very private and personal matter Java laughing but you called him double [ __ ] first remember in college yeah but not to his face never to his face not even I'm that [ __ ] cruel but you are I'm actually not you talk double [ __ ] a third [ __ ] Triple E yeah that was all my fault somehow the answer is now wrong you do this deal or I pull your funding well you can't pull funding because we have a contract so oh we have a contract we have a [ __ ] contract Richard you want to know what I have a [ __ ] car whose doors open like this not like this not like this these are not the doors of a billionaire Richard [ __ ] you [ __ ] you in the ass the adult industry has always done lead pioneering cutting-edge interfaces across new device platforms like oculus and I wack will be the key to our survival as an industry and based on their recent investment patterns tech leaders such as Facebook agree ladies and gentlemen welcome to the future but we do have the kick-ass potato cannon though although actually this one is is broken we tried to put a mr. Potato Head in it and it did not like that Monica did you forget about jinyang guys pitch no on my phone you're talking to Benson or hedges all right cigarette company clever um what if I told you there's an app on the market not not as an arrow you wait until you're inside okay we haven't even gotten the bottle of water yet wondered what if I told you they ain't managing this is the assistant wait for the boss to pitch yeah you just [ __ ] with the wrong hacker there's there's kids hey I'm going to scoop up your whole system [ __ ] you Gilfoyle [ __ ] you Richard [ __ ] all of you fine Firefox I actually don't I don't know him I'm just here by myself just watching and waiting I love kids not like that so Anton is really starting to sweat yeah still can't believe you gives a service a man's name sorry I couldn't remember your mother's name hey why don't I just open up the garage door let some fresh air in here yeah sure if you want the cooling system to shut down and everything in here to turn to magma actually with all the new servers I have running we're about to max out the amperage and blow the main breaker anyway sooner or later guilfoyle servers are gonna fail and then it's all done my service can handle 10 times the traffic if they weren't busy apologizing for your [ __ ] codebase oh yeah well my codebase could handle this traffic [ __ ] your mother make a video of it upload it and even that video would not Haiti mr. Bachman I am sorry to drop in on you like this but I have got the buyer [ __ ] he's gonna drink his own piss yep sorry Louise this isn't a great time I'm entertaining and I have some minor cosmetic repairs so you'd be fresh for the house oh no they don't even need to look inside they only want the property for the lot value love value meaning you have to realize your house is a total teardown right they want to tear this place down y'all for the cash mechanism got a crash I told you get Erlich to do it Richard said keep it up mr. Bach they want to make an offer right now all cash mr. boffin I think you would be foolish to turn this down you just call me a fool no all I meant madam you're not calling man a fool on the transom of his own home a home that happens to be the world headquarters of the company keeping streaming video of a man who's about to drink his own urine online for tens of thousands of Filipinos does that sound like foolishness to you so you can tell your clients respectfully that they may go [ __ ] themselves okay there's no way I could have squirted this lemon in your eye on purpose from this distance I'm not a [ __ ] lemon sniper it'd be more of a lemon suicide bomber

Channel: Eric Zeiberg

Views: 2,134,255

Rating: 4.8273954 out of 5

Keywords: video, HBO (TV Network), Silicon Valley (TV Program), Entertainment (TV Genre), Television Program (Media Genre), Season 2, montage, funny, moments, Season Episode

Id: dj4qmmkiZyU

Length: 23min 53sec (1433 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 15 2015