Best of Jared Dunn - Silicon Valley

Hey sorry if I scared you I know I have somewhat ghost-like features my uncle used to say you look like someone starved a virgin today oh yeah I can see it don't pander to me Peter Gregory said specifically to trim the fat they actually tried to diagnose me with a wasting disease because of my slender frame no it's not great news we love the name Pied Piper it's a classic fairy tale well I've looked it up it's about a predatory flatters two murders children in a cave hey Jared you know who else is Canadian Justin Bieber the Hitler of music you know um Hitler actually played the bassoon so technically Hitler was the Hitler of music dude that was [ __ ] bad-ass what do you think he said he was gonna get in his truck drive down here and beat the living [ __ ] out of me why did you say that was your address say any other address I don't know it's got a very powerful voice what are we gonna do if you keep screaming your name it forces the assailant to acknowledge you as a human Richard um could I speak to you okay yeah he's the least cool guy I've ever met uh it was stupid and loud honestly you're better off I suppose I I had a fine night uh yeah I had some [ __ ] paneer and I watched a documentary about Liberia hmm you really think that you can come between me and Richard Hendricks were partners okay and I've devoted every second of my waking life for the past two months to him okay I am devoted to him and to the precious thing that we're going together I'm his partner I can tell when he's mom why because he's not no never mind I'm he's vomiting because he had cilantro which he loves but he shouldn't have because it makes it uh Jared Hey thank you for what uh you know everything I feel like we don't appreciate you enough so thank you oh are you are you crying are you crying oh don't do that don't cry hey guys I just had a thought okay so this is it right a lot of successful startups launched with a different business model and when they ran into trouble they pivoted to something new right like Instagram that was a location-based check-in service when it started and then they pivoted for chat roulette okay that was social media and then they pivoted to become a playground for the sexually monstrous dude you are [ __ ] up right now yeah you're pinning bad well other then I'm sleep challenged I just spent four days trapped in a steel box out on an oil rig full of robot forklifts so that was hard but I'm back I am recovering and I am focused and we're gonna pivot don't lose faith guys right look at me look at me look at me we've got a great name we've got a great team we've got a great logo and we've got a great name now we just need an idea let's hit it let's pivot that might be the last time you see him alive hi I'd like to talk to you about a company called Pied Piper what does it do good question maybe can help us find an answer what if Pied Piper was an app that could attract rodents you know like the fairy tale for purposes of extermination or to feed your pet snake we're not here to tell you what to do with your rats we're here to get you rats stat would you be very interested somewhat interested or not interested in which one which one which one you've heard the phrase time to pay the piper right what if there was an app called Pied Piper that could tell you to a statistical degree of certainty whether you were going to heaven or hell very interested somewhat interested not interest which one which one which one how much would it be worth to you if I told you I had a GPS app called Pied Piper tracking the location of your child I can Poli your child anywhere and there is nothing you can do to stop me most missing children are never found interested very interested or very interested you have any weapons or drugs on your person at this time y-yes yes I do adderall this is a highly controlled substance of these yours no those belonged to an underage kid that I brought to my house yes sir I'm gonna I'm gonna have to ask you to come with me it's a kind invitation but I have too much to do I'm pivoting let's go now I'm pivoting no mattress yeah hey Jesus see you okay then what yeah okay yeah all good they let me go who let you go when was the last time you slept Jared yeah absolutely David they offered five million at 25 million post-money valuation more than I thought [ __ ] they were nagging us nagging nagging is going negative it's manipulative sex strategy used by lonely chauvinists so I downloaded with genes bro app out of curiosity and found it very sticky I've never felt like I was anyone's broke before the only people who have used that term with me we're assailants well get some sleep my bros I'll set the meeting and um then I'll go find some hos to prioritize behind you are you trying to say bros before hos it's sexist but it's fair friendship we did it at hooli all the time we'd schedule meetings with companies so that explain their technology then we'd use their ideas in our products like what happened to Yelp yes it's like when somebody says they want to go birding with you but really they just want to get you alone in the woods so they can take your binoculars Richard if it makes you feel any better I put that brand scrim guy in his place I dropped him from bro but not before I sent one final angry bro what do you mean you can make them angry you can make bros angry well he made this bro angry I'd understand if you took it Thank You Jared but hooli was like an abusive spouse to me you know like um that guy who married Julia Roberts and sleeping with the enemy it was dehumanizing but then you Richard you pulled me out of the life and you gave me hope and you gave me a sense of self-worth like Richard Gere did to Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman this is weird every day here has been like that shopping spree scene I'm putting on hats well rich firstly congratulations on finally being funded I hope you took a little time out to enjoy this moment and celebrate I certainly did you did I did indeed I celebrated earlier this morning you did this morning oh yeah but now it's down to business can you just tell them oh I have several times but um they just kept saying that if I didn't waste so much money at the butthole doctor then we'd have enough money but I pay for all my medical out-of-pocket so this is the team huh whoa I'm just gonna say it this guy [ __ ] am i right cuz I'm looking at the rest of you guys this is the guy now it's doing all the [ __ ] am i right you know I'm right this guy Fox thank you guys um this is actually pretty serious I mean we're all cool here but we know each other so obviously when Dinesh calls me [ __ ] frankenstein or he describes me as aids lady or guilfoyle refers to me as effeminate KD Lang I know this is a joke among friends I was not a joke we're not friends see it's hilarious oh I have a question mm-hmm my best friend's nickname is Kunti I'm sorry her name is Kunti and I was hoping I could call her Kunti while I'm here okay that one's easy no you can i cuz you know I want to have Kunti come visit me for lunch and if I can't call Kunti Kunti then it's like not gonna want to have Kunti over at all which I feel like kind of violates my rights yeah um it does not as a woman okay I'm gonna have to get back to you on that one best friend's nickname is Kunti okay maybe go back to the kitchen Sonia okay okay okay it's in effect the policy worked what I just can we not do any of it it's just that they're getting really pissed and it's really distracting all right no more Kunti terrific that's really good hunt you've done great but you said it again but maybe that's the last time Conte's done I'm gonna call you OJ though yeah that's that's for good yeah yeah because in my head I changed the meaning from other Jared to original Jared so now it's a compliment it's how these guys operate I mean when Bill Gates got married on Lanai he rented every helicopter on the Hawaiian Islands so that paparazzi can use them to fly over although in that case it was a positive because now you can imagine that wedding however you want what nine just is false evil ever be Conan CI litotes I he put an econ you crunch lice and all in the care that from morning roomie I'm EJ half-caf Oh Richard yeah uh yeah I sweat it through my sheets again you sweat it you sure you did yes I'm sure it's just sweat so do you think maybe you sweat from your urethra no I didn't sweat through you know what let's not talk about it yes talking about it will only exacerbate German what I don't speak German you sure yeah yes well regardless of what we've decided on calling it pounding caffeine and sugars sound exactly gonna help but you know what my kegels what kegels are a form of exercise that strengthen the pelvic floor now yes it's most commonly used by women to recover control of their vaginal muscles after childbirth but it can really help yeah night sweats Wow okay we're not gonna talk about this anymore I'm doing it right now clench and clench clench stop Nick Miller said constellation and indicate out shlitz effort holiness I wouldn't be so dismissive there was a live stream of an eagle's nest last year that went viral and was getting millions of hits and I don't want to be inflammatory but next to a condor and eagle looks like a common gak length you can swat a concept a department or a new initiative you can even swat a person although you have to be careful they might SWAT you back I want to swat you well you can because now you have the tools um what does in a night treat do oh it dilates the anus that is accurate also produces you for you okay thank you uh Pete and Jared sure so grab the box guys start pulling anything you think is relevant you may have to work pretty hard but that'll free us from this lawsuit are you saying work will set you free yes they have the manpower we have the perseverance triumph of the will he's the most cheerful person I've ever heard quote Hitler so according to Schrodinger if you open the box and confirm that the cat is dead then in a sense you've killed the cat or if you call the museum and get the information then you've killed the egg no that's silly is it okay I'm just gonna think about it for a minute you should have never called that Museum Jeremy right on there pretty good oh [ __ ] Jared you just killed that guy I just got a text from Richard I'm not gonna read it I'm gonna compress the belly fat I'll kill the highest bitrate to give us more Headroom I just wanted to be part of a suicide pact what that's not what we're doing it's a name at the base of the fire that's the server's you hit those servers you kill our live stream Jared right I I don't know what to do 198 your level SWOT analysis you all right Richard I'm coming with you here Jared clear this get all the smoke out of it otherwise the damage is the device um don't be a [ __ ] some of these companies are pretty good flutter beams like really good of course it is they all are you're the belle of the ball and these are all your Swain's hoping for a glimpse of ankle flutter beam was the best company we looked at their check is great their offer is amazing actually I'm kind of pumped well your pump ness makes me pumped you just got it thank you how did it yeah Richard do you think it would be okay if I took this box I'm moving out of NOAA's guest house after work and you want to sleep in that box oh I've been slept in a box in years stop well the eviction process is officially under way but my attorney says it may take up to a year are you gonna stay I always have my trick alright I'll bite what's your trick I simply imagine that my skeleton is me and my body is my house and that way I'm always home that was a bad decision you flinched now the pain will never end I'm sorry to say it but guilfoyle is right you're making it worse sorry django django I'm G great not even [ __ ] Jared is building my balls I am I'm I'm busting your balls you know what if you could agree [ __ ] for it anyway I'm just gonna wear okay Jared congratulations by the way but we go all Ocean's eleven on his ass hold on Ocean's eleven it's a 2001 casino heist film starring Julia Roberts and 11 men I know what it is Jared oh right I'm in well you're insane no Dinesh that chain is insane and not in the membrane sorry Cyprus how long okay settle down Dinesh I have a few premium chain insults that I'm going to lay on you when we get in there not for myself obviously but for the team I might just have one too sorry advanced yeah great hey Dinesh nice chain do you choke your mother with it when you put your penis in her butthole the [ __ ] Oh while I have you there were fresh droppings near my cot I think you were right the havahart traps don't seem to be working I was thinking maybe we could just pick a day and just drench it in Hawk urine because the scent of a predator can keep runnin to bay it's funny we're named pie Piper but we're beset with rats little rascals ice hoping our end up fired over this well what you did took incredible guts and the fact that it probably won't make any difference makes it all the more meaningful right I saw this nature documentary where a bison fought a lion to protect the rest of the herd and it was so moving um it didn't work that the lion tore into the Bison and then laid waste to the herd but what courage Thank You Jared you're like one of those priests who put themselves on fire to protest the Vietnam War you're like The Secret Service agent who dives on the president and catches a bullet and the president still dies but he dies slower because your body stopped the bullet not from entering him but from entering him at a rate that would have killed him instantly okay oh um word to the wise the key words are like a spa day for the buttocks yeah and I have a fragile posterior my aunt used to call me glass hole so you can take it from me okay well what's going on is not necessarily lost okay we just need to find it I found my retainer in the school dumpster I found a biological father in a militia up in the Ozarks this should be no problem you made me so proud I feel like the whole night skies inside my chest I just want to memorize this moment okay I am so proud of you I could puke God darn it gosh in heaven and I love you this is honestly like the best birthday gift that I ever could have asked for it's your birthday I don't know that the CPS worker couldn't find my birth certificate but maybe now it is I had a stuffed animal named Winnie oh well I mean wasn't technically an animal I took her a ziploc bag and I stuffed it with old newspaper and I drew a smile on it things were just going so well until she is completely lovely yeah that was really nice you're really something I give you a call later okay okay cool yeah great sounds good bye Jared Jared yeah who was that oh that was Carol so uh Jared did did you just have sex with her what I'm an adult and like the rest of you I'm a sexual being you [ __ ] her in the garage no it's a server room in my bedroom what so you just meet a woman and that you have sex with her how often does this happen walk it if you're asking me how many times I've been in love the answer is to what the rest I won't talk about it's untoward Russ was right let's go [ __ ] it was that gorgeous gazelle in the driveway oh I've said all I care to let's move on she led Jared have sex or better Jared nice using that dick I don't want to count our chickens before they hatch I mean three percent of hatchlings are born mutated or dead but we may have a healthy brood on our hands can't you to see your each other's best friends [ __ ] you Jared jinx you owe each other a friendship acknowledged is it me or is it a bit chilly in here what in God's name is that what do you think it is it's a jacket now I only ordered one of the sample but but once I have your sizes we can all have them why would we all want the one is already too many I don't mean in the house I mean like in the world now guilfoyle I have you at about of 40 long am i right if my mother was naked and dead in the street I would not cover her body with that jacket Jill Repp Jared now that you're here I need two new tables in their game room okay well maybe against the doors oh hold on there's more Pied Piper because awesome world changing compression company would take up too much space and you guys give me [ __ ] for a tiny gold chain I regret nothing I'm replacing you on the board and I'm giving your seat to Jared huh Oh Jared are you ok it's just so many emotions the board seat I feel regret and addict Lee that you would choose to honor me and that terror and not living up to your expectations and compassion for Alex loss Oh Donald you've come undone [ __ ] is going on with you hmm good you be more specific you're hiding something no I'm not everything's funny you know everything's fine that's a lie I can tell because you subscribed to traditional judeo-christian mores of right and wrong you're made uncomfortable by untruth my commitment to laveyan satanism grants me certain freedoms there is no good and evil there's only self would you like a beverage yes I would lie you just want me to go to the bar and leave you alone oh you crack me up why I terrify you as I should nutriyums I'm sorry the guys didn't like pipey it's over Jared well you know a lot of animated characters have rough starts early Bugs Bunny cartoons were just garish displays of anti-japanese hysteria and now he's the face of Warner Brothers would you like some tea I can put a kettle on the hot plate oh no I'm fine thank you there's no trouble you know I have a box of Russell Stover's if the spiders didn't get into him you know just enough to qualify as a daily active user classic click from behavior and then I remembered a conversation in the bathtub and it just it had to be you Richard I am so sorry it's okay would it make you feel better - to strike me you and I right now are the only ones that know about it okay and in a few weeks when we ran out of money this will all be over anyway Richard yes we have a secret yeah Jared have you been crying yes but for ordinary reasons please go on you still believe that right that if given enough time the platform will catch on Richard don't weaponize my faith in you against me in here just compare with a typical already done everybody just stop hey we all know how this is gonna go so let's just get it over with right um I thought yes there okay I proved the sail through yes vets can this please just be done very well I vote yes also irrelevant but thank you even a whiff of fraud is a mortal sin for VCS she needs to wash her hands of any pie Piper business she's forcing a sale look right yeah but it is an open auction and you know between the fraudulent numbers and the real numbers guys aren't exactly killing it out there so there's a chance that no one will bid and you might be able to buy back your own company for next to nothing that'll have to be for literally nothing because we're out of money oh Jesus are you okay yeah we're fine

Channel: Other Jared

Views: 1,537,192

Rating: 4.8959608 out of 5

Keywords: jared dunn, silicon valley, zach woods, thomas middleditch, tj miller, kumail nanjiani, martin starr, richard hendricks, erlich bachman, dinesh, gilfoyle

Id: GpbG6w43DM0

Length: 23min 58sec (1438 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 24 2016

Reddit Comments

[u/lollirot95]

"Hey, Dinesh. Nice chain. Do you choke your mother with it when you put your penis in her butthole?"

God damn OJ is the greatest part of this show.

[u/d0ndada]

Well, he made this bro angry.