r/Nonpoliticaltwitter · please sit on me

could be us but you keep playing with my heart you name your dog something like max but over the years it becomes like actually his full name is maximus moomoo baby bambino mchandsomeface fluffingtonjunior yeah i mean yeah that's how it goes hungry men create dinner time dinnertime creates stuffed men stuffed men create nap time and nap time creates hungry men it's a never-ending cycle me so my husband first grader you have a husband i do the whole time you've known me oh i thought you were feral um you mean single whatever the word is that you use for stray cats oh that's tough once i overcome my insomnia internet addiction body dysmorphia propensity for isolation romantic obsession bizarre food rituals negative self-talk low self-esteem fear of intimacy compulsive personality and inability to let myself live in peace it's over for you guys i relate to that just a little too much that's kind of scary when i pack too much for a short trip 11 pants seth rubin ryan reynolds follows me on twitter but never engages with any of my content or seems to actually understand what i do in this way in only this way ryan reynolds is a lot like my dad ryan reynolds we're just trying to give you space rachel going to the gym to say ooh big stretch at everyone like they're a cat that's just menace behavior it's crazy how your siblings actually have their own lives i literally see them as side characters in mine her siblings are just going to be reading that like what i was at chick-fil-a today and a girl came in crying her eyes out because a big-ass spider was on her steering wheel and one of the cashiers walked out there picked it up with his fingers and sat it in a tree across the street i swear i don't know where the heck they're finding these employees at they're literally the best and nicest kind of people dustin say what you want about steve harrington but if a toddler handed him a fake phone he would answer it yeah like 100 our cat takes herself off to her fuzzy bed if we stay up too late she also yells at us if we're making too much noise while she's trying to sleep she's 16 and knows what she wants see that that's the face of a cat who just wants some peace and quiet owl at the library re-enchant your life by making the mundane exciting you're not going to cvs you're visiting the apothecary to buy potions you're not running an errand you're doing a side quest you're not feeding the birds you're making an alliance with the crow queen see that just makes it so much better me quietly crying wife what's wrong it's never gonna happen again is it it's been forever i've got a feeling it might happen again soon no you're just saying that my automatic feeder goes off and i scramble over laughing with relief between mouthfuls hey yo what my sexual attraction towards someone varies 100 on their ability to commit to a bit as the saying goes if they can commit they can hit i believe that's in the bible somewhere josh billingson 2020 movie theaters are dead and they will never return 2022 theaters are forced to ban large groups of teens in formal wear from purchasing tickets because their enthusiasm for the cinematic experience is simply overwhelming oh how the times have changed the year was 2006 and our biggest problem was hottie from flavor of love cooking chicken in a microwave oh those were the days man those were the days my girlfriend said is there basketball on then put on the game and walked away two hours later i'm like what is she doing she's napping she turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler hey i mean but it worked who's winning this fight magneto or iron man did you forget what magneto's superpower is lol yeah no magneto would win in like a nano second only fans but it's elderly women teaching you how to sew knit canned food quilt and have some solid recipes i call it only grams hey yo give jj slick some funding immediately this needs to be real jon squires this is legit one of my favorite shots from a dracula movie it's hotel transylvania i mean hey it might be a silly movie but look that that's a dope shot my wife and i have a system in which she will lose her phone and ask me to help her find it and i tell her it's on the stairs which it literally is literally every time it's a pretty good system the new york post reports americans are nicer than canadians airplane etiquette survey reports haha get screwed canada you have nothing now pierce brosnan checking out his wife's butt hey yo this is cool and all but like who's taking this picture and why are they taking it it's just creepy my boy dresses like this with that haircut doesn't seem interested in girls and knows he's different and feels like a mistake with these obvious signs how can people still debate whether or not he's a math teacher i didn't think that's where you were going but i mean he definitely looks the part your flight is at 11 am what time do you arrive at the airport i'm trying to see something 7 am dang you finna change the oil in the plane before you board or something i mean hey some places you got to be there like four hours early it sucks but it's what you gotta do if i caught a fish that looked like this i would keep that crap to myself yeah man i don't think anybody wants to see that i don't mind paying 10 or 15 dollars for a book because i know the author likely spent five years staring at a screen and panic yelling i'm a fraud i have no idea what i'm doing and they are now entitled to compensation i mean it's only fair drunk guy overheard on the train tonight don't touch me you slag i have a girlfriend jack i am your girlfriend you jerk sit the heck up absolutely amazing the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earth's history the ultimate metaphor told my dad i ran out of alcohol and didn't have any money to buy any for the weekend so he gave me the huge bottle of vodka from the cupper that i stole and replaced with water when i was 16. life really does come back to bite you in the butt hey what goes around comes around enjoy your sober weekend i often daydream about winning the powerball and buying the licensing's rights to the show friends just to edit out the laugh tracks then re-releasing it back to the public for free so everyone can finally understand how freaking unfunny that crappy show actually is yeah so something tells me you're not a fan of the show gotcha when i worked at subway we were always out of meatballs and people would be like are there any meatballs left and i'd be like no and they'd be like today sucks i was a sandwich artist but i also ruined lives ah yes the duality of subway willy wonka in the chocolate factory more like the original battle royale my resident at the nursing home told me that one of her favorite childhood memories was when her father would juggle for her to cheer her up so you bet your ass i spent the past week learning how to juggle and i can't wait to show her today hey that's some grade a wholesomeness we love to see it the indiana state fair is just a few weeks away and here's one of the food items you'll be able to try what do you think of the pickle pizza offered by swain's concessions it's homemade dough with a dill ranch sauce topped with mozzarella cheese dill seasoning and dill pickles oh what's that you said swain's concessions okay good now i know exactly where not to go this is a sin and it shall not be in my body my plan would involve hollowing out west virginia and using the slag to fill in lake ontario completing a diagonal chain of now saltwater lakes across turtle island and linking the arctic and atlantic seas this would benefit no one and cause untold damage i will take no questions this person just destroyed the infrastructure of two countries this is literally a super villain's tweet the working title of my new book i'm just going to eat half and the other lies i tell myself shoot i'd read it ever had a friend who learnt a new word on day and just kept using it for a week non-stop well that's my mother and i cannot withstand her utilization of complex words from the english lexicon i'm sorry what this hawaiian mushroom makes women orgasm just by smelling it hey bath and body works we have a new scent request oh that would be a best seller the man that paid us to bake a cake for his girlfriend's birthday just called and said we should eat the cake i can't even begin to imagine what went wrong uh f's in the chat if we're walking together just know that i will definitely bump into you cause i can't walk in a straight line hey at least you warned them smelly steve has joined the zoo meeting smelly steve sorry i smell so bad guys lol diane we can't smell you steve it's zoom smelly steve has shared a file body stink odor 6.3 gigabytes whatever you do don't open it my 14 year old is babysitting for the first time and i just received this text from him so once they're all asleep do i just go or or wait yes honey you have to stay the whole time they aren't old enough to be left alone oh okay thanks ah poor kid hey well i mean at least he's learning five-year-old walks up behind me when i'm on the computer what games are you playing me pay the bills well are you winning no i'm never winning i don't think anybody wins that game except for the government of course nothing makes me laugh as consistently as remembering the story of hitchbot the hitchhiking robot that made it all the way across canada and tried to do the same in the usa but was immediately beaten to death in philadelphia i mean hey that's what happens when you enter philly i mean dim's the rules yeah i'm into fitness fitness hot dog up my sleeve to secretly eat it during a lunch meeting hey that's the best type of fitness first person to shoot a fish in a barrel i don't even know how to describe how easy this is i heard her approaching and tried getting out in front of the situation by saying i'm in here i'm in here i'm in here i'm in here but no she ended up barreling into the bathroom and seeing me pooping again anyway ah you just can't win so i was dating this guy kind of rich and he asked me out of the blue would you date a struggling guy and i said no due to some personal reasons and he said you know to me you are the struggling guy i haven't healed yet i mean hey the truth hurts surprising kids with a new pet a good dad hey kids i got you a goldfish bad dad hey kids i got you an alligator crazy gators daily disagree yeah no if a dad comes back with an alligator that's the coolest dad anybody has ever met top tier dad an apparition appears in your room alongside a more successful looking doppelganger of yourself apparition and this is what you would be doppelganger oh my god spare me these twisted vision spectre i've learned my lesson both vanish you hey what the heck i'm not that bad yeah no at that point you have to understand you're just living in the worst timeline you ever think about the fact that wikipedia built the modern library of alexandria using nothing but nerds needing to correct each other no it's truly magical whoop there it is okay that's clever i like that one my little girl is too and whenever she's happy she will just shout out happy and there is nothing purer in this world than when she's just sitting playing with toys or eating toast and just yells out happy to let the universe know it's doing a good job oh six-year-old me at 2 am debating if i should hold my pee till the morning or run down the hallway and risk an attack from a demon these are life and death decisions buddy choose wisely folks make fun of euphoria for how old the kids look but i'm watching greece right now and wow those rydal high school boys all look due for a prostate screening yeah honestly i'm pretty sure there are like 45 year old men in that cast ridiculous aristotle a person is as big as the thing that makes him angry i got angry when someone referred to john smith and kristoff as disney princes when neither of them are royalty so this week is going well lol i just walked past a funeral and they're all doing that dress up and suits minion thing oh wait a second it's gotta be tough being a toddler you're standing there crying about something that feels super important and an adult walks up and immediately looks down your butt to see if you crapped your pants yeah the struggle's real when you're a toddler we put this chair on the curb for bulk trash pickup and my cat thinks it's for her i've seen three people so far come and pet her during their neighborhood walks aw the cat's gonna be devastated when their chair disappears a moscow farm has decided to equip its cows with vr glasses in order to have them relax and feel happier a calm environment leads to an increase in milk yield so the cows are given a vr headset displaying summer fields this is literally the plot of the matrix i have lived next to the same guy for three years thought his name was steve i called him steve his name is steve in my phone i've been to his apartment and we've had dinner his name is brian and his dog is steve ah dude that's more than awkward that why didn't they correct you customers will say crap like uh it's asking me to remove my card yeah because you're supposed to remove your card it's not rocket science

Channel: EzPz

Views: 15,890

Keywords: reddit, reddit top posts, reddit best posts, reddit top posts of all time, top posts of all time, top posts, best posts, posts, reddit posts, reddit funny, r/, subreddit, top all time, reddit true stories

Id: -pFSpKexk3A

Length: 11min 55sec (715 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 18 2022