Jim Jeffries Contraband Live Show - Best Stand Up Comedian Ever

you ladies and gentlemen welcome to the operator can you please go make for Jim Joe Heil gone you're welcome to the recording of my first hit DVD people so thank you for coming I do you see me before three you never see me yeah you do sing like a happy bunch ah but it is a cycle of 30 men ah it's just basically a lot of stories heading up to the age I am now I just want to rip off the 300 poster size really got nothing to do with [ __ ] nothing there's no point in everything I get to travel on this joy I see this is the third date on the tour two days ago I was in Helsinki doing a gig and that was you got six out of people came to the [ __ ] gig but only because it is like anger you the mother got punched in the face so good to see you how much [ __ ] the matter with the Swede man the squeeze people the best looking people to see my time I didn't see one ugly [ __ ] eyes out I think they might be killing the ugly people now I'm not saying the walk around killing people I'm saying and doing it from good right to be like a woman giving birth to be like a doctor and it'll be like an official guy in a corner right the doctor pulls the bag yet he shows you the official bloke he goes no the doctor gets the babies he throws it in the corner with all the other ugly dead babies and it's such a rational breeder I think the Mormon even be upset I think is be going for the doctor was it thank you for saving me from the shame is my own fault generation divert sex of the Scottish man under the balcony people yes I can't see you I just will know through some people up how do you feel about offending me fifteen year old cousin has recently become pregnant and I'm really offended by this is the taxpayer ah honey you can't afford [ __ ] cut the [ __ ] thing out but it's not my problem young he has to take there she's got a [ __ ] cleavage fifteen minutes he's got a [ __ ] cake the thing I went to rock school was 14 15 16 no one was [ __ ] at one school nobody not even the cool kids were [ __ ] alright we were happy with fingering right bring that back on your finger you're very gonna keep me down through the [ __ ] orchestra these kids that I all fight each other or get enough that I get sex education order fatty sex education I don't even have a sister me right these kids get sex education of the money or ways do you ever have it they're all [ __ ] each other or getting pregnant I think too much information I think we should [ __ ] sex education off completely and just start showing these kids pornography from a very young age at least that way the boys alone - come on the girls faces trying to make a difference in people I mean [ __ ] me grandmother died last July 92 she's been [ __ ] dying yeah already more surprised she to motocross rally it was so towards the end she just died jail like four strokes and she had two men shot she's just like hitting a chair really and and she had dementia or as I like to call it honesty there's old people telling the truth thinking or more is planning for 92 years I'm singing line the [ __ ] she's taking my money that's not my son and she was meant to do our life too easy go my shoes kick Tong in strikes rule King right up on a Monday it's like two days to live right so it's just better ring you grandmother it's going to die right something else oh hey grandma how are you inch goes not too good no Wendy I heard that ah here you're not doing well look round Ganesha I love you I'm sorry dying and it's UN I love you too Jim and then I cried I thought well that's that I was bowing down and went back to the place - alright and then like two years on she wasn't day what do you do do you call back what's the protocol you go good for you you keep your [ __ ] hand in yeah but I don't every time she's got a diet cokes for five lives in if I can see NEMA Garland's in Queensland and he would go up to Barry's mom but because we're not dying he'd go up there and every time you have to take time off work and away every time we come back down I'll ring him up and go to Grandma die and he'd go now and I go all feel like next time and she we were like 12 grandkids and we all the same herons we all got 100 bucks it's Australian hundred dollars straight that's back in thirty eight quid right I don't even uh for two left heads that right how is their spirit meant to live on and those people can [ __ ] hang on forever and ever because they're worried about the afterlife she wasn't going to [ __ ] die that's the same reason the old bug got the Nazi we got now the one before that bro do you remember the one that was curved like a banana right he wouldn't die cause he was religious and evil if every time there was like a pedophile in the Catholic Church he would just move them to a different church so that God's not watching were caged now it's all got a bit weird because I mentioned pedophilia don't think that I don't know that pedophilia is a very awkward subject to bring up at a comedy gig at the five-minute mark of the show but let's have it go ah I've had some personal I was molested by Scoutmaster when I was young this is true he ever physically touched me or penetrated me he used to put me in a corner a masturbate on me but still not a great day I find I'm quite fulfil you to be a very it's very awkward there is an in society if there's certain pedophiles that we condemn and then there's other pedophiles that when they do we don't even notice we just put it under the carpet god don't talk about that does everyone know that Elvis Presley was a pedophile all right there's no debating this Elvis Presley had Priscilla Presley move into his house and 14 years of age we're a funny [ __ ] then married or 16 or 17 or so but Elvis was a pedophile you happy with that right Chaplin Charlie Chaplin was a pedophile in fact 13 year old 14 year olds 15 year old ghost if there's a statue in the middle of Leicester Square of Charlie Chaplin where you can have your photograph taken with the pedophile the we forgive them because the best in their field there's never gonna be another king of rock wrong and I promise you there will never be a better silent movie star at what point with society go they were good like what I'm trying to say is how talented do you have to be to [ __ ] a key right Gary Whitta did hey Dan did a good song don't [ __ ] a key back to my grandma ah I'll tell you what you do right when I was 17 years old are there School Musical as you do when you're in high school you do you think pies and stuff like that a little School Musical I got a lead role and we grandmother came Apple Queens I had to come and see the musical and stay with us since she was staying more alive keep out the [ __ ] living room on the cat good she's a blue wall I mean um guys dicing he grandmother is song and I want you singer [ __ ] song guy singing grandmother so look I sing her song and then I heat from the bedroom is Jim gonna sing me a song oh yes grandma [ __ ] [ __ ] so I walk in there I got what song would you like to hear grandma and she said stormy weather and so I don't know why there's no Sun up in the sky my grandmother looked at me adoringly is only a grandmother could look at her grandson singing a song and then I finished the song and I went there you go grandma that she saw and I went to walk wide as I was walking away my grandmother goes I'll tell your story and I'm like of course you tell me a [ __ ] story you've never not told me story why now get 38 quickness will be worthwhile what's your story grandma see guys I used to live in this town called gimpy this is a real clown in Quizlet and I lived in gimpy and there was a showroom and on the Wednesday that would have local lads would come and sing in the cabaret bar and afterwards there was a singer who sang beautifully just like you and afterwards I got talking to him of and he asked me to go for a drive any time he drove me up the coast and he laid a blanket down and we may love under the stars this is what to that I for this day killing a great summers are we gonna I don't think that's a great story am i and she has manners I was lying there with the moon glistening of my naked boy I looked up at him and I said sing me a song and he sang me stormy weather that's what she was looking at me directly she wasn't thinking of a grandson singers song she is thinking a Tony [ __ ] shirt on [ __ ] her on the beach I'll make this woman wet for the first time in 40 odd years ah so raw drinking tonight I hope it's [ __ ] sad are you gonna get pieces good fair I don't like people who don't drink don't trust fund the friends that don't drink I would stop being your friend if you stopped drinking because anyone who doesn't drink is a boring come right here a non-drinker your story's [ __ ] suck how are your stories end the same way with and then I got home right no one gives a [ __ ] that you've been promoted of work no one gives a [ __ ] that your kids there had bruises your boring dick yeah the answer don't drink what I drink I'll give you the same stupid answer every [ __ ] time you go why don't you drink and I go I don't like the taste of it nobody does no one likes the taste of it we drink because we have to because large the miserable piece of [ __ ] no one has ever had a shot to kill or go cool that lovely next time I'll have that instead of dessert I'll do watch [ __ ] and it's all either the same not my grandmother I said when she was wife who's gotta happen enough Brock as an IT star give a [ __ ] about thawing I'm looking forward to it all right I am all I believe in heaven I believe in hell I'll just rot in the [ __ ] ground all right I don't even want the option of heaven I don't want to exist in a conscious state for the rest of eternity constantly thinking I don't like thinking as it is where is he passport can't punch women in the street the Bible cause have an eternal place I don't you have blissful is it's eternal you get used to it and then you'd be [ __ ] born and what's Hell meant to be like fire and brimstone eternal agony that what's written in the Bible that's God's book as far as I know the devil hasn't brought out a book we don't know you stole the argument right if you ask me the devil I'm gonna having a nightly with the devil being a bigger [ __ ] man cuz God's just right and [ __ ] about him and the devil's God I'm looking at a [ __ ] comment son you don't want to live forever in a conscious you don't want eternal life like a sheet all right life is a horrible disappointment one after the [ __ ] next right if you don't think it is disappointing oh I'll do this okay give me a camera right straight on my face right everybody did is there me and if you're watching it hard right look at the person next to you that you love more than anyone in the world right and know that sooner or later one of you will be dead and the other one will be miserable just something to think about so told you like the only reason you people are here is because you want me to make you laugh for a [ __ ] hour because you know when you go back to work on Monday your life's gonna be [ __ ] and then you'll be dead once better happen when you die you go to heaven you see a big bright light you walk towards the like what's at the end of the line or your dead relatives well what these [ __ ] do there is better weekend in grandparents house is [ __ ] [ __ ] be out for an hour ago we shall meet friends would die if you can make them whatever Nana how I Brett night Oh uncle used to touch me how did you get up here oh that's right you used to work the church I got a very mixed response ah that's hard to think about is wrong I know I've been picking on the Christian the Catholics or whatever um if you're religious you're [ __ ] eat all right Point Blank the guy in the cloud and a lot you [ __ ] bored right breather signs for what you're Richard Dawkins documentary you dumb [ __ ] [ __ ] right there is no life creation with the edges been Adam and Eve [ __ ] each other and we're all [ __ ] off you idiot right there was a big arc with two animals how the [ __ ] slugs get there in two days they can they can from the four corners of the earth is [ __ ] slow-moving animals never a [ __ ] baby however the polar bears mix it up with the [ __ ] gorillas and [ __ ] now please do not think that I'm just picking on the Christians are the or religious people ridiculous all right so let's have a go at all shall we ah geez what's all that about what's with the curly sideburns we're in the polis safe now loves me thou shalt look like a dick do do you FATCA waterfall you you look like you can't take care of yourself there's our Muslim friends the [ __ ] movies of mental thanks [ __ ] the money start drink is that they out of control they [ __ ] did they just on a tolerant bunch them was he saying comrade covering women's faces and cutting critters is off isn't just a bit of culture right it's horrible it's [ __ ] horrible right he kinda the change they remember the little tape and it was called Mohammed that lady they wanted to kill her and Lasher in a [ __ ] squid for cooling a teddy bear mom right now if there's any Muslim fundamentalist in the room all right you see this microphone on call it Mohammed all right and it's [ __ ] guy it's a guy microphone called Mohammed and all the wants to do is roll a Quran up and [ __ ] itself up the ass that joke has limited some of my holiday destinations you can't drink this not really a [ __ ] holiday [ __ ] coming here [ __ ] drinking through you too daddy and they're giving us all plastic cups like with [ __ ] keys and you have to spend three pounds 50 for a part and bit and they serve to you in plastic let's be honest you British people are responsible in a glass eye you know what you happen when you get glass one of you gets angry right here one of you will scratch the glass against the Boche of a shot of glass into someone else's face you're the only nation of people to use the word glasses of food oh [ __ ] you come out try to knock up you get peace go to the toilet go to wash your hands you know how to wash hands or not because it's a [ __ ] toilet attendant they go on with the middle tray with hall patacoins of them a few bits of [ __ ] Perth you makka pakka trumpet chumps and a bit of chewing gum and he's ready with a side I can hate those cuts I'm not going to give you a pound mate I've washed my hands before I'm [ __ ] good at it man it's one of my skills I'm not the most hygienic guy in the world anyways he's sniffing coke off a toilet seat for [ __ ] sake yeah walk down there and not wash your hands look at you like his scalp are scum you are going to [ __ ] toilet night he throws out in South Africa dancing to geeks I was out there with a gay comedian he took me to this guy Cobb and Sullivan we took two XD tablets each right he's up on a desk we're trying to get some dick I've said in the bar chatting to a couple adds an element for one of them guys you're wasted are you no way yep and he goes do you want to come to the bathroom with me now as a drug taker I think he's offering me a lot of card so I went what I going to do that for Papa hammer and and drag him off the toilet where this gotta be [ __ ] horse to man I went into the cubicle first - what - seat down then I lay down and beckoning me now on another old men the rim on a these days when I get me old feeling sucked off he takes a little wall to stand to attention but he must really like me because he walked in with why I can only describe as a great big black [ __ ] we shut the door to the cubicle or down three people in the chemical mayhem and the great big black car since he gave dimensions and manage this tall is this why the Cox array is poking into my stomach I look up Freeman I go you I thought we got a decent kind and he went do you want some coke first card now I can see how with your accent you buddy mastani connect for talk now I'm like excited something funny happened after that Oh happy was a told him I wasn't guy today apologized he went out he bought me a drink for the sake of comedy he raped me I'm going to talk to you a bit about me Dad me dad's a weird cat right good god he's not my parents let me get a job when I was like [ __ ] 12 doing a paper round because there was no mines in Sydney and I had to go around the suburbs and deliver papers and at the end of the day I had to go to a news agency and empty all the bins are back in the news I see into a big metal skip it was a [ __ ] cut of a job but the only good thing about it was at the end of the month they used to throw away all the magazines ahead sold so there was mountains of porn right so I would collect these porn eggs up filming back pack up with him go home take the porn next to school summer for a farmer magazine I was making more than my porn Empire than I ever did out of the pipe around right there at a drawer under me bed that was four foot by two foot but you're packed full porn when I can hardly Ruth's pink lady's [ __ ] smallest I first thing I do is I run the pawn draw right open it up empty right got to the living room then why mama out there sitting in a chair now did anyone have a parent that had to run chair they were the County parent they were never the noise parents right and if you're a parent out there and you have your own chair you're a [ __ ] Nazi dick right chuckling such a facts to sit somewhere else right control the world so my mom looks means you guys are cleaned your room I went yeah thanks for that mum but they never mention anything right week later mount me dead [ __ ] and I've hammered a nail into the bench right but no apparent reason but he's a carpenter I could put a nail into the bench if he puts a table up there so no [ __ ] finished right just being a dick I don't under the fence I saw only porn magazines but they were all like wet and bent and had lettuce leaves on them and stuff like that what's happen is my mum's clear to clean my room out she startled poor me exactly will he be when that is the factor will he been to the end of the drive on a [ __ ] Wednesday he's open it up and go on all how I collect them all what he's gone off to be shared and wait himself stupid so I thought [ __ ] that okay so I click them all back so I go back to the true where they belong circle of life continues now a few days later about the living room and the old man walks out and goes you bet more [ __ ] and are we yeah your leathers magazines neither you you you for to this day you got my [ __ ] parents house man there's poop or magazines out and that quality early nineties material my [ __ ] dumb aunt is concerned whether the enema festival look his special with the festival's bore I was having a wank and I felt like a lumpy fleshy thing on my [ __ ] that wasn't a wart or a cyst or anything I had previously and I went to the doctor and the doctor looked at it and saw the way another doctor in the two of them looked at it and just I have any idea right so they set me up the specialist the specialist puts my genitals and like a clamping machine and it turns out that I have a tumor growing on the side of my penis yeah I got a doctor too many people die from this he's like nah most people detect it pretty quick leave it to chance now as I said no one dies from this is very rare and I'm a famous norm on telly a bit almost beaten most famous person ever to have this condition which means alleifer become a spokesperson and I'll be doing adverts going hi I'm Jim Jefferies I'm a comedian you know what's not a laughing matter dictator do you know that two people die from dictator here this must be stopped there are many ways to detected cancer wanking that's it really please burn ribbon now while I was out at the end of the festival I was with a girl for three years I never cheat on her so I did cheat on the twice during the anima festival because it's a festival and when I went to the doctor always worried that I was a sexually transmitted disease I was I think I'm the first person ever the heart for the doctor when he said he got cancer I was [ __ ] will up for that I was like kids are [ __ ] yeah cuz you covered with hood he'll kick you out of the [ __ ] house right you come home with dig catches you might get cake or something real nice and God bless her I loved the fish were broken up now I can say that she wasn't bright she was a think girl she she would not have sex with me until the chill was removed because she was worried it was contagious I'm like it's not contagious it's [ __ ] cancer alright let's just enjoy the width or we have it he goes dome right you ever had 64 to be six then it's not contagious so like we got it from a decline from Kylie Minogue yes look I understand that that jerk is wrong on many levels the main level playing that college kids are big enough for tenth way even with the lump they couldn't gotten that much bigger don't be upset with me I'm a cancer patient so anyway I got into surgery to get it taken out they lay me down on the table I put like a metal frame up the curtain and the doctor puts a needle into my dick and there's nurse and her sole job is to take all the blood away from that sliced up [ __ ] and there is another nurse and her sole job is to hold my hand whilst my [ __ ] is being sliced up and to distract me from a mutilation and she's holding my hand and she looks at me and she goes so I hear you're a comedian and our way yeah meaning why don't you tell us all what Johnny wanna [ __ ] off and then they put like six stitches into my [ __ ] but these aren't like the big ones these are can you hit on you on these like tiny fine small ones of the youth like on baby's arms and the doctor tells me not to get an erection for three weeks always [ __ ] moody oh is it a creek quite a fear of man the end of three weeks I was ready for my comeback bang I ain't even touched my car patrolling to think about my car when balls had never been so full in my entire life in fact the stitches dissolved and I told my girlfriend I was still not dissolved so I could have a wank before I [ __ ] her I put some porn on and I got some Lube right now or nearly I'm not that fancy I'm more of a drawing and sort of God going thought it's been a while Jim treat yourself I'll lived up my [ __ ] and I'm talking five pumps maximum just hello my [ __ ] a nice thick gelatin-like car so it was it was like he was trying to make a baby without a word and not looked at it and I swear to God if I can look back at me so our sugar cane anyway that's all I've decided that deep Panta ah except anything it dick cancer sounds like a war correspondent like a guy from the news that you'd really trust that's just me I've been I'm donkey jet and [ __ ] bag and ocarina and it's [ __ ] mental when you go out there you realize the other team don't really know they're involved like all the other old boys in say what you want about the nineties but you'll always look good alright you can always pick them out of a crowd like this this enemy the Taliban higher kind I don't have an athlete ah and I was there the first day well first I wore first day I was dead and I was in a helicopter flying over the top of Baghdad leave me helmet on be bulletproof vest thinking of this cool spot right the helicopter windows open there's a guy with a gun is sort of scouring the ground right I look out I see a little boy with a handgun shooting up the helicopter and I [ __ ] freaked out autumn look oh [ __ ] but I could be flying on and the garret areas don't worry about it whachoo are ice bullets can't reaches anyway Hey look at this and the little [ __ ] dog and I was like I was just saying what upset anyone but the mental manic so desensitized about terrorism now don't even care anymore the first big one remember the big one where the planes hit the buildings and the buildings captain what date it was every terrorist attack since that I can whatever what in Glasgow where the guy was in flames and he drove his flaming car and the airport the first thing that went through my brain when I saw that was are you [ __ ] [ __ ] now we're gonna have to put my toiletries in a plastic bag take me shoes off it wasting me time what [ __ ] we promised a mental case he's being mental my whole childhood he can't help also he's already made be she's [ __ ] wide wrong banging his head I know I'm going to I've never told this to stage or we probably won't go on the DVD but this is just something funny me my balance of talking whenever whenever my mother my mother's a great big fat one who still is 1819 stoner saying kid all used to get us to go out and get the washing off the line and she'd always been in the kitchen go go get the washer of the line make sure I fold everything and yelling at us while we were doing it right when I was about Cheney's got was about 14 and we used to go out there whenever we got her underwear off the line we would get on either end of it and fold it like a flag but if that's no funny nothing is so one so I made my Brotherhood righteous two of us and he's bat sixteen on that twelve and my mum and dad are out of house I mean ballin Scott is on the couch and he looks over me guys Jim get me a cake right here a [ __ ] cake I'm not going to get you coke anyway get me a kind or piss on the carpet piss on the carpet your man count I'm not going to get you [ __ ] go get me a coke or I'll piss on the carpet I'm not going to get you a cake so my brother stood up walk to the middle of living room which is a longer distance and getting himself a [ __ ] card pulled out his [ __ ] started pissing on the carpet he's look at me going you really should have got me a cake or I want when you give me a car does he's fly up goes back to the couch doesn't get himself a code so I just I can lift the power unit mum comes I'm [ __ ] serious right big pile of us because who did this who a good dance and I went sculpted it with the Scots guys what did you do that for you guys told him to get me a coke or I'll piss on the carpet and my mum turns to me and goes morning to get him a goat you know he's [ __ ] with you I'll tell you another browse through this this one's a bit sad I don't know when me my brother were young with my dad was doing that thing where you know when you've been taken to the dump yard tip or something like that when you were a little kid that was better than gone a football match that was just like the best day ever if you because you never knew what you gotta find at the junkyard did you you just be there standing a pile of [ __ ] going dad you have to see this we got to take it with us it's a fridge it's only missing a Thor so we're loading up all this stuff from out of the car ejecting all boxes and water my brother I don't know about knowing now I'm at five you guys about nine he brother pull the vibrator out of a box just like this I'm on a diet does that [ __ ] dad when the nervous Walker goes hey what you got there and then there you're like that of it now as soon as we see that little war we know that suffering [ __ ] import and when is going to get what is y'all have to [ __ ] lose what that is I'm sorry then what is it dad and then see these two sons and he sort of smiled money to himself and goes I'd say it's massager we died turns it on and goes oh that's lovely oh yes we'll turn that off put that back in the box who put that box way back up here or look at that again a few days later my brother comes into my bedroom and goes Jim camera and regard to the garage and then we follow these boxes up we get the vibrator out it's about 40 degrees heat and my problem looks at me you guys now you message my back and all massage your back now this is a standard old brother trick older brothers do this you push me on the swings I will push you on the swings and what happens is you push them on the swings for like ten minutes and then they push you like a minute till you it was ten minutes and irritated and you can't read the time so if I take our shirts off there we just get our underwear in the garage in the dark with a vibrator and then I start massaging me bars back just and he's given it these ones and then it's my turn I get in front my brother holds the vibrator up he turns it on and then he drops it on the ground and goes you have to put it back up on the top shelf and then he [ __ ] off now I'm five years old what do we do I cry but when I pick the blog writer up in the darkness I just that's when my dad comes in to see his five-year-old son massaging his back with a vibrator anyone crying and he comes up he goes Scottie [ __ ] you over again my no way yeah guys if it he holds that yet now you see this you not to play with this this is dead now that sentence has haunted me not that this is mom and dad's this is dad that raises questions all I never wanna answer such questions as why the [ __ ] was it in the garage one of my dad's mates never come into the house I was happy with it being in my mum but more disturbing its truth and you know a lot of people find me offensive and the reason for that is there's a lot of [ __ ] selling normally finds that were defensive not the spastics to people in those spastics people are friends with spastics he's such a good [ __ ] friend why'd you bring him out tonight you [ __ ] [ __ ] furthermore few years ago I did three gigs for Skype going up to Jim would likely add up benefits and I said are you sure you want me and they said you're the only comedian has ever made jokes about a small stir in the room so anyone who's offended you can get [ __ ] I'm spies approved in fact in their review they gave me four goos which now as I said before if your friends are these people water you'd bring him out you would get some bleeding-heart come up to you after a geek you don't you got a [ __ ] thing and you like where the [ __ ] are they I used to work is disabled care for I was competing and it was a good job you felt good about yourself at the end of the day and I saw some about only things that meant I saw some [ __ ] miserable things but I saw some things you might have feel Goodman I oughta fine haha for I seen him it sounds a lot worse than his right you say racing retards that's offensive right call it Paralympics goodwill anyway take a good story that came from they're coming nice right I think this story is inspired you might agree but I took these two lads down to the beach with cerebral palsy right not with the power role it's not like they're magical assume that have some but the only real magical disability is a dwarf midgets are magical there is freakish little people don't worry about that sugar goes over the [ __ ] teens ah doesn't go over the dwarfs heads people underestimate how big their foreheads are and just smacks him in the 14th wrinkle Oh anyway I took these two lads out of the bleachers cerebral palsy and we will them down the beach and there's a beautiful moment when you're at the beach and you just look at the water in the sand we eating an ice cream you go how long do we stay here well what's the appropriate amount of time it's like they're going to go swimming and in Australia you can sound like topless there's a lot of topless women walking around and you're not meant to look at topless women when they're on the beach if if one woman in this room was topless right now there'd be no geek the show would be over the room would be freaking out right but at the beach if that girl's topless you're mentioned is that like this is normal and not look or poke sorry anyway the two like this girl walks by with tremendous tips right now while the lads who have no muscle memory whatsoever are all walking down all right a very kids walk by and I swear to god he [ __ ] locked on like a solid [ __ ] he did not [ __ ] deviate and she went bought and I was thinking is this some type of therapy that they've never offered these people anyway so I started thinking right now as an able-bodied person I can't do kids cuz someone punch me in the head but I think [ __ ] it I'm going to start staring at teeth who's going to punch me in the head I'm the nicest on the world are we to spastics right so I start staring at teeth then this big fat ass woman with just bikini bottoms on with a tits hanging out walks by and one of the lads turns to the other one and over the course of five minutes but I'll speed it up for you goes there's one for you mate now it's it's a lovely joke it's a joke that we've all enjoyed everyone has done that joke for their friends gone that's your wife that is and with a lot of good luck it's not a great joke but you know what I found a heartborne what I found inspiring about that you know was inspiring this guy can't walk these are laughs yeah he's too good for the fat chick and human spirit my friends No whose works been getting punched in the head on the Internet it's a lot of fun I will now endeavor to tell you the actual story of what has happened a lot of people have written to me if it really did happen and it was spike it was completely real what happened was I was in a comedy club Manchester colonies talk about a about 450 people there's a woman up in the balcony that kept on heckling and heckling and heckling and I put it down I put it down put it down and then eventually when I'm gonna leave you alone now what your dad did right and then I went it's a shame your grandfather never did I know funny alright anyway there's a guy in this side Arun who I assume had some issues with his grandfather and he took some umbrage on what I said and decided he was going to punch me in the head but he's an Irish plug so he had a food drink so he waited until he finished he drink and then punched me in the hay but he never yelled anything out he just sort of put he straight down calmly went over smacking now when he hit me I was in the middle of my cut material so for me this is a very odd moment for a man to punch me in the head now I'm going to do the cut jokes for you now so you know that what the mindset I was in when this happen sorry lucky women to me like public toilets they're all dirty except the disabled ones every single man in this room admit to being a bad shag from time to time maybe throughout the whole fatigue but it's not giving a [ __ ] there's no woman in this room and thinks that bad in bed you aren't alone what most you [ __ ] are the reason I know this is because no man's ever told you because if we tell you you run off and cry because your spirits a weak just because I come doesn't mean you're doing a good job I'm going to come anyway sometimes I can't you stop whatever the [ __ ] you're doing down there but the nails your teachers put in your mouth me [ __ ] I'm mad about it I've been out of women are made them coming to get that one woman she's not coming she looks at you like it's your fault stop my fault your [ __ ] broken you are the University I [ __ ] the chicken all the friends walk past me and did that and women think that's the funniest joke in the world that's not funny that's hurtful next time you think about doing that imagine you [ __ ] God all these mates walk past you and go you never do that again and you think by doing this it takes me something I don't already [ __ ] know and well aware I've got a small dick I've measured it I don't have big my dick into the millimeter but does any woman in this room truly know the size of their car none of you and none of you will ever know for sure because no man's going to tell you because we're good people and are you thinking he's not talking about my god because it gets two beats ordering six that means fuck-all I've been down all over 20 minutes it's wide open it's blowing like the Murray River I put the chip in my talking they go gentle gentle just I can shut my [ __ ] head in there sometimes fat cheeks are really tight concerts of bloody mystery are these because all the fights push and inwards or when you [ __ ] them you just rub it up against guys and you never actually reach the [ __ ] that's what doctors say fat women have to lose weight to get bragging and that's when I got punched in the hey I drop it down stop the film what's happening there we go audience cuz all the fans pushed in English where you boys now as you may have already realized on the great Florida you might not have seen the subtleties of what went on there first punch are blocked with my face then I went into my crouching ninja position allowing him to punch me in the back of the head which is the hardest part of the human body hurting his head now let's let's tell about all the characters that are on the stages of murder the man of the crowd bent over that's me I'm cowering the one setting up me is the man hitting me the other man is in security he's a punter just like you people who came to my aid and I will love this man to the day I die but not because he helped me because if you look in his hand he's still carrying his part and no stage thought that he couldn't have a fight and drink now let's play a little bit more footage please stop we have some new characters I've already left this thing I walk up to the door over there where I have entered back into the dressing room with a black eye whereupon the other comedians have gone how did it go and I went it could have gone back now the new people have arrived we have a new skinny man in same party as a man of black suit in the middle there who is the actual security and the other largest punters Europe refines Manchester now see the garden left there he's brilliant because in a moment what's going to happen is security is going to hold the man who assaulted me and go all right got all under control and he's going to go but I've got a clear shot and the security guys going to go yeah mate we've got it under control and he's going to go ah come on and the security guys all right so keep your eyes on him the man who left are they ladies and gentlemen ha ha the one who's gone all right boys there but this is a security 40 song is very grainy whatever so I got given this copy of this tape from The Comedy Store after it happened and I went around to this comedians having a party in my house 20 comedians in and I'll come back with this bit of gold you know just like you have to [ __ ] and see how [ __ ] my gig was right and we put it on the player and we all watch it and when Tim Clark comes out and goes ladies and gentlemen the wank is gone all the comics in unison but he's coming back up now I do come back out I'm going to all about to come out to a standing ovation now it wasn't that good it did begin with the people felt sorry for me but what you're really going to see is when I come out you're going to see some of the worst high-fiving you've ever seen I'm I'm talking on missing hands are grabbing like I'm not a cool guy I just don't have cool in me right what the other day someone gave me one of them and I grabbed their fist and went oh you'll know what I'm talking about in a second by the tech are all right that's moving out ready all right but giveth and Jim's gonna come on finish yourself for you if you don't like it you can go but if you enjoy him style cuz he's gonna do another five minutes and please don't even get to finish off welcome back Jim Jefferies you hold it's a weird thing I can watch me getting punched in the head over and over and over again and I'm completely fine with this now that's embarrassing now if you watch this footage on YouTube or whatever webpage you've looked at it on you there'll be a little clique in the tape we're all of a sudden I'll be witty and going why did that guy come up here and I'll say some funny things that's not what actually happened ah the man who hit me was obviously Irish because he was yelling at me like from the are line and he kept hitting me and when I came out our may have said some very bigoted things about the Irish which are regret saying but as a live show I feel I should be honest with you so you can see the actual footage of what I exactly said now I wasn't racist because Irish people it's not a race get over it just being a bigoted cut you understand I'm not proud of this place people are the best [ __ ] sexy here in the [ __ ] world I think you're so [ __ ] delightful thumping who could be up dancing just give me links it's a heap of [ __ ] [ __ ] you fatty Hoggett recovered recover drink it all we all [ __ ] drink it all cover to cover to cover to cover drink just draw the faucet back pre-warming drinking work on a [ __ ] boys we may've edited that fit out as well not everyone was happy to see me come back out on the stage some people believe me to have big teacher fat-free now we're looking to play the rest of Titan now I you watching the DVD it will be on the what let's pick up take Mutombo I see thingies ordinarily I'd have a witty answer but I've recently lost a bit of weight so I'm gonna shank you really is this where your fun is this how far we've traveled together you wanna do this string for 20 meters from here you want to see a fat pie Australian well Who am I to tell you that's the biggest G of giving me Oh Lord I played with my father's vibrator I have sucked a black [ __ ] in a toilet I have been molested for you people and all you want is my skin well that's what you this is me okay we're wrapping up right now we got me out here singing last night on the Friday the room was all me it was great you think look today was fun and it was all men angry young men it was like [ __ ] testosterone City and now it's [ __ ] it's couples night it's Saturday so they are in Friday you go with the guys from work on suddenly you think you're better right obviously she gets to choose the movie next time all right I don't imagine that I'm the goods choice there's some guy going G to Jeffrey's okay as long as he can watch Steel Magnolias oh I'm Stein is yesterday's crabbin go all right bright blue Alain we got five minutes are we gonna do a bit more all right we don't have a piece anyone else but is there one got any ears ads on the stage straight-up me so we can get into a bit of trouble if we run over because I don't want to have a spot beating out of me by fifty year old man address I'm going to save in the stairs going up we staying all right okay I'm gonna and should we do the single envision uh nothing please bend over okay I gotta get you some tight man you probably all say in a Bugatti da story all right so you have this what happened yesterday we did the demo I this vibe yesterday we did the eggs story and it was like at a rock concert like everyone was singing along let's try to do it just properly and you know the folks like please do not yell about in unison but if you really want to right can't be easy out before me am Stan Hilton now the bass in the after damn Hilton at a comedy club I was there for two weeks I had two days off what two weeks I found on the outskirts of Amsterdam there's a great big place for the poor warehouse which is like a great big as done so me die off with the [ __ ] frame space that I went out to the poor warehouse and when I go shopping and as do I take a little plastic basket with me poor warehouse took a Troy it's still at the kid see what you thought was weird now loading my trolley was every bit of porno paraphernalia I can I get up towards until there's a massive wall carpeting dildos now really it makes what would you do so it's fine but I was buying selves the most I could muster is like a scene from Star Wars good thing anyway there's a small wall which is impressive covered in rubber vibrating vaginas now whenever William makes you see winos you go who the [ __ ] would use my hey there's always a bit of your brain that goes wouldn't want try let's just watch so I got myself the Jenna Jameson drummer we're going with John on the side the boxer said vibrates eyes to give really success ation realistic if you're [ __ ] a chick with boxes put our Emma see now I'm going back to be hometown decide if I'm going to have this wank it's going to be the way it's got to be the one that when I've got dementia or we're sitting in a nursing home going but okay [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] it so I pour me porn mags down one sided better footballer tell your girl to Robert come out how to party hey go on I'm going to [ __ ] it put the vibrating egg in the end of the corner make a child turn it on a [ __ ] I felt pretty good but I couldn't enjoy myself because I thought going through my head was if you die right now this is how they're going to tell your mum they found it now I had them [ __ ] it are going to be Cochrane up for the thing that Robert talk was faulty brought but I wasn't [ __ ] if the light takes him a tough to sort of taste and the egg falls at the end but all for the up six it's not like I can't I get back to the shop slap it on the counter and go look at that I bought that naira go went home and [ __ ] it now that comes broken now I still have a lot of Luba still a lot of porn and still had a vibrating egg so I did what any one this room would do I'll leave that egg up and sharp it up me ass down sitting up against a gland for the prostate gland the way of g-spot I felt terrific feel so good that I was thinking I'm going to shower things up he asked me to get back up there I slapped me Connor comfort on the jinjo every test average is alive each s liver because a hanging heavy ass program cut the corner I gotta tell you a little better they they're looking to find that goes through your soul you gotta wake and you're going to better come on your head and you go what if you do that for you're a grown man watch your light an egg hanging out of my ass sake you say one to kill meself so I start slapping the ball up the better turn the port of the Tilia go to whip the egg enemy I'm [ __ ] quartz that's up the only need to step off the cheap plastic shows the egg slightly break apart and now fixed against me : now your first thought is by worried about this Jimmy and chickens outfit your ass over the city to the noise of 20 kgs and don't [ __ ] play cricket this experience the other know if you're low on America : or shoot you but it made up for several channels of pub food group now I've lived up this finger this thumb and I've gone on the ice ops the egg with every crab I've pushed it further and further and further up are : now I'm to channel 5 and we all that house [ __ ] daddy's my next thought was to get a hold of Agra food making crew really sword and push seeing a through pressure very psyllids when it got this good got stuck in the chocolate even Charlie and the Chocolate Factory I was working and Waka method as it saw my could have done with a little look for the plunger now we have to get going so let's just jump forward to datum agree either side of his up I asked vanilla done is going to go to hospital my biggest fear was going to hospital at a foreign country with my accent and young you'll never guess what's happening baby but being Holland is a good chase you can go you mama dig up your us go join the queue with interest dreams and I number three I had a Chinese dinner and I'm kept me chopsticks now go back to the hotel I bend over and this moment of thoughts meself you probably should have gone to the end Frank museum a but one chopstick and toke the egg in a coherent fashion the other chumps think I used to water the hole and what most I snap this thing out of my ass for two feet of [ __ ] it was this moment I thought to myself should have done that the bathroom that's it we're gonna become you daddy okay um okay very very much coming in John I believe that I'm throwing against this is about upstairs was I very much better but [ __ ] it you don't have to be the guest is where they have to go to bar eat we can all this walk out as a unit and we can just [ __ ] terrorize some [ __ ] kids in the street body of the station go funky little cat ever [ __ ] I've got 300 middle-aged people come over here I want these lots of stunts Braille this will vision is Joe please listen okay I got his GED right every time I would sleep with a lot of men she's called a [ __ ] but if a man sleeps a lot of women he's called a stud and people have always said this is unfair alright I'm going to tell you it's completely fair I'll tell you why because it's [ __ ] easy to be a [ __ ] it's [ __ ] hard to be a stud there are but ugly [ __ ] out there there are no fat ugly studs I've met [ __ ] Dwarfs I have never met a start dwarf maybe in the own community but none that I've ever crossed over to be a start you have to be good-looking charming a good liar with a fake job to be a [ __ ] you just have to be there I chased her ideas girl I went out with her and hoping his claim to fame was the C went backstage and [ __ ] an entire member a very famous band there was like five of them and she [ __ ] all them and I said why did you do that for it she goes well they're my favorite band so I let them that is the privilege of the [ __ ] right there I can't go backstage and it Girls Aloud concert and go I love the last album do what you want except the genes you won't get me a [ __ ] big line the German thank you very much you

Channel: Christopher Titus

Views: 607,827

Rating: 4.3696632 out of 5

Keywords: Best Stand Up, Stand Up Comedian, Contraband Live, Jim Jeffries, Best Stand Up Comedian

Id: hZKidNt1dNI

Length: 89min 55sec (5395 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 01 2016