Prison Guards, What Weird Things Do You Often See?

prison jail guards have read it what's the weirdest crap you've seen while walking past a cell on your patrol i was chatting to a prison officer i know recently and he told me a few good ones the prisoners do a thing called crap bombs they get a milk carton and fill it with crap then put the narrow end under someone's cell door and jump on it sending crap spraying across the cell floor but sometimes they pop at the wrong end and if it's a second floor cell then it'll spray out the other way and hit whoever is below part of helping addicts get by while inside involves giving them liquid methadone but like anything it's got a good value to people who can't get it so some them try and sell it to other prisoners but they have to swallow it when it's given he said he's seen one guy vomiting his methadone up straight into the buyer's mouth mother bird style another one was a guy in the mentally challenged section of the prison who would self-harm a lot and when he'd slice his arms open he'd put bits of chicken in there i was a detention officer for six years one guy covered his entire cell walls in solitary with scriptures using his crap we called him holy crap there's so many stories i saw the guy beat another male in his tank with a mop bucket dude had a multitude of stitches the best one was this time a young frequent flyer came in and was very jittery i asked if she had anything and she denied i informed her if she got past the intake process and was caught with anything she'd be charged with a felony too instead of a typical three due to it being inside the facility she confessed the drugs were inside her glory hole so i take her to her private cell and ask her to remove them and she pulls out five caps to needles the five needles were left inside her uncapped i looked at the other female guard and said dude it's about to get messy long story short the inmate was able to retrieve them all without injury by pure luck i was allowing her to pull the needles out i did not know there was needles inside her all she informed me of was em in her tea we have little baggies of them or crack inside [ __ ] all the time if i had known it was needles i would have contacted the nurse how she actually removed it was typical she sort of squatted a little and used one hand to hold her tee open and the other hand went in and pulled out the needles she placed them in an extra glove i had i handed that glove to the cop when we left the room he did charge her with possession of a controlled substance i was thinking the worst when you said the five needles were left inside her uncapped but i was ready to read on one i saw a man start biting veins out of his own arm two i saw a guy get stabbed through the head then in the back and out the chest three hand meat pushed through the holes of canvas work gloves it was from getting a hand stuck in a license plate press it looked like the spaghetti play-doh extruder for a guy jumped with a noose around his neck five watched a suspect stab a guy in the back survived it hit the heart but didn't puncture it then when i was searching him he pulled a chat of his butt and ate it six saw parolee try to break in seven two inmates were discovered with the vcr and a vhs contraband in their cell we watched it and discovered that they had used the education department's video production gear to make a gay porno don't do this job no matter how well it pays you become a b to your pension the rates of ptsd is something like 30 i have personally known eight ceos that have killed themselves in eight years the divorce rate is crazy i just talked with mister headstover for the first time since i witnessed him do it seven years ago i was scared but had to pretend to be calm and have a convo with him about the murder i then came home and had to act like everything is normal with me i worked in the county jails for the first four years of my career we had a horseshoe-shaped hallway with five or six safety cells these cells are used for inmates who are suicidal or a danger to themselves the walls are padded but still fairly hard and the inmates clothing is removed and replaced with a heavy garment they cannot make into a nose checks are conducted every 15 minutes for obvious reasons one day i had an inmate who had that wide-eyed thousand-yard stare with a very unsettling smile on his face most of the time during one of my checks i offered him a styrofoam container with some bread and cold cuts he hadn't been eating so i was happy to see him take it he opened the container removed the bread and stared at me through the glass from about a foot away i saw him reach his head behind his nude body and watched his face strain a bit when he brought his hand back up he was holding mushy crap which he smeared on the bread and then pressed the two slices together while continuing to stare into my eyes and smile he took a huge bite from his homemade crap sandwich i was in disbelief and walked away halfway gagging when i returned a few minutes later with more deputies the sandwich was gone and he was licking his fingers mmm an old co-worker had previously worked in guantanamo bay she said she once had to get on the pa system while an inmate was showering to say detainee remove the shampoo bottle from your rectum i can't that cia guy won't let me not a co but was in prison for six months dude got into a fight over spades they were gambling five ramen noodles a game well this black dude jay was down 60 supes and this white guy terry called his debt well jay told him get it off the roof basically to frick off terry was always getting into fights and was basically a lunatic he'd always yell at people and never really get physical with it well a few nights after the soup debacle went down the whole pod was alerted by a loud butt yell from jay he'd been sliced with a razor blade you're probably thinking normal prison bs nope terry was incarcerated for giving a minor hiv terry had cut himself with said razer blade and then sliced j with it he gave someone hiv over 20 in commissary the whole pod came to jay's rescue essentially and terry no longer looked like a person apparently terry got a life sentence on top of the 10 years he had left and jay is now infected with hiv there's a bunch of other stories from my six-month stay but that crap was the craziest of the crazy jesus that's terrifying i once read that if you go to prison never owe anybody anything because that's when bad crap happens this pretty much reinforces that notion i was a co in a maximum security prison for around two years saw a lot of really weird things the one that stuck with me the most was watching a small white man who was covered in tattoos eating a mini cupcake out of a huge black inmate's butthole the little white guy was a white supremacist and it was entirely consensual although i still took both of them to the segregation unit the weirdest one i didn't experience firsthand but the other shift told me all about it a man had stuck the pointy end of a spoke down his pee hole and had to be taken to medical when the doctor removed it he got agitated and this time stuck staples into the spawk so that when they tried to remove it the second time it would catch like a fish hook they had to take him to the emergency room at a nearby hospital and fillet the man's dong open to remove it the third time a few weeks later he just cut what was left of his mangled dong off the rest is mostly just butt stuff my ceo friend told me the story of battleship guy so one day when he was booking in new inmates he was giving them the physical inspection to note any problems he realized the guy had tied a string around the base of his dong and the shaft was really lumpy after asking the guy about it he sent him to medical to get it sorted out after questioning the inmate admitted to stealing ceramic pieces of the board game battleship while at his last prison he would then use one of the blades from his razor to cut open his dong and insert the pieces under the skin of his dong and waited for it to heal in all battleship guy had 14 pieces under the skin of his dong not just the small ships he had the large ships in his dong too i've heard of this before but not with battleship pieces usually with like beads it's supposed to make fricking more pleasurable for your partner like a up version of the jacob's ladder piercing so i'm not a jail guard or anything but i was in jail for couple of days weird snafu with fingerprints or something caused me an extended stay after a night of a little too much fun anyway i was put in population for a day and when i got there i found a dude that exclaimed rather loudly that he'd suck a dog for a soup now i neither had soup nor a reason to take him up on his offer but about three hours later i noticed another inmate in a rather cheery mood and the soup guy had a pack of ramen noodles in his hands tldr people suck dong for soup in jail apparently my mom was a nurse at one of our state's roughest psychiatric wards the place where jails send the craziest of murderers deboachers and idlers to have them evaluated under lockdown she's told me a whole bunch of crazy stories but the one that is craziest to me is the one that actually happened to her she was the kindest of the medical staff she knew how to read people and was very patient with them in order to gain their trust a lot of the toughest guys to come through those doors would come right down when they saw her coming because they felt like she was their friend if that wasn't the reason the fact that she carried a ridiculously long needle to jab in their butt might have helped too one night one of the most feared patients killed his whole family was acting like a psycho in my mom's unit someone sounded the alarm all of the guards and therapy aides came running along with my mom this guy was freakishly large it would have taken the entire staff on hand to tie him down they let my mom do the talking to try and cool the situation normally the guy really respected my mom and she was always the best person to defuse issues turns out that night he was truly freaking out in the midst of his episode my mom told him listen you're going to have to calm down because now that everyone is here they're not going to leave unless you're cooperating or in restraints he responded with well then put me in restraints you be i'd like to see you try it this was very unlike him she tried one more time charlie i mean it work with me here i don't want to use this needle and i don't want to see them handle you that way he says say one more word and i'm going to knock your butt out she wasn't particularly threatened because people talked to her like that all the time at the start of her next sentence he uppercuted her so hard she woke up in the hospital the unexpected jolt did the number on her jaw and face but the worst part is that it broke her neck yes she survived but after 11 months of recovery the board determined that she was not allowed to return back to work again due to her weakened and high risk state my old martial arts teacher was a prison guard for years these are his stories the poop guy one guy was just a depraved psycho who liked to smear crap all over himself and mock the guards because nobody wanted to go in there and grab him to throw him in the shower so instead they got a powerful fire hose and blasted him and everything in his cell clean seemed to work quite well fork dick he liked to put forks down his dong the golden staff that is he was infected and he knew it he used it as a weapon by constantly cutting himself and trying to smear people with his blood around the eyes and mouth let's just say the cameras were pushed aside a few times away from his cell the nut ball this was a five-foot weasley guy on m ten guards could not take him down there is footage of this tiny guy surrounded by guards rolling around and he's still in a boxing stance bouncing on the spot blood dripping down his face last was playing in god mode my mom is in our rn at a prison she said one dude peed in another guy's shoes so the other guy peed on the initial p perpetrator's face while he was asleep the following night it was a literal p contest i was ceo for five years spent some time working in ad seg got cut with a razor blade across the right hand and left wrist 47 stitches worth there was a guy who could fell at himself just the sound was enough to turn my stomach one kid had what he called a pillow h the most dangerous inmates wrote children's books we had a serial killer who only killed rich gay men and was an expert martial artist he could do splits all van damme style really interesting character and case i should do an ama while doing my routine rounds one night i witnessed a gentleman stick his hand up his anus well past the wrist to extract fesses and throw it against the wall consume it most disturbing thing i have witnessed for sure gentlemen haha i was a carer for about eight months i was doing a routine walk through of the block on night and found a guy walking around like a zombie i tried to stop the guy but he just kept going until i stepped in front of him i found out from a few of the guys close to his bunk that he had been cheeking his seizure medication and decided to take a bunch of it at once i ended up calling medical and having the guy taken outside of the prison to the hospital i rode in the ambulance to the hospital where i had to stay in the room with the inmate watch a catheter go in and watch his stomach get pumped also got to stand with the doctor while the guy was in a cat scan was pretty cool watching the pictures of his brain scan come through i was officer for five years one incident happened while i was walking the top tear at high desert state prison while i went from pod a to pod b from the middle doors all the white inmates at the tables on the bottom tier just started giggling as i approached one of the cells in my head i was wondering why the frick are they just giggling like little girls then i as i passed the cell and looked and i saw one guy sitting next to another guy with his arm around him he was giving him a handy the bottom tear uploaded with laughter i feel like the worst part of this story is that you live in sussenville my wife has been a detentions officer for eight years now and i get these stories almost every night he mainly works with the behavioral observational inmates mental cases she says eating or finger painting with your faces is pretty common she also had a woman who finger painted with her period blood my wife seems to think it's normal clearly she's fricked in the head her top story is an inmate with a colostomy bag who used to rent out the hole in his side for guys to freak another inmate had a walker whenever he would get an apple or orange at lunch he would stab it onto the legs of the walker and use it as a corn cob they finally had to take his walk away and stop giving him apples or oranges for lunch one of the gay tanks had a wedding they stitched toilet paper together to make a wedding dress did make up with the dye from skittles and even had a bouquet of flowers made of toilet paper dyed with kool-aid they even had little name cards to show everyone seating arrangements she wasn't there for it but there was a guy in her jail that popped his own eye out with a spoon another guy ripped one of his testicles out of his scrotum and unraveled it they came in to find him playing with it i find one of these stories adorable i'm not a guard but my class to radia county jail once as the sheriff took us past the padded cell he pointed out several chip marks in the small glass window turns out an inmate had pulled out her own tooth and attempted to chip through the window with it in no specific order a butt plug fashioned out of soap a guy furiously masturbating with the cell light on not trying to hide anything i mean he was freaking going at it pretty much everything in the mental health unit i didn't witness it but some guy cut his wrist used a pen insert as a straw to suck blood out of his wrist spit it into a bowl then he drank it he passed out shortly thereafter crap art is hideous especially when mixed with period blood guy went to the hospital for stomach pains apparently he tried doing butt stuff with his radio and it went past the past the point of retrieval other than the fricked up stuff there are really some interesting people with some really interesting cases on a road trip with my father who is a retired correctional officer we're bunked out in the same room two beds so i'm going to summarize a few of the stories he just told me both somewhat nsw the first one was about an inmate that the staff had nicknamed poo poo picasso he enjoyed finger painting abstract art using his faces he would do statues sculptures and paintings on the yellowish block walls of his cell he said it always sucked walking by because the stench was so bad but that he actually had some talent unfortunately for everyone involved they frequently had to hose down him and the entire cell after it escalated into a poo poo palace the other story was about a big muscle-bound black dude who turned his cell into a gym of sorts the exercise of choice dong pull ups he take his bed sheet and tie it to a cell bar then stand back and tie the other end to his dongs from there he'd open a book and balance it in the middle and throb his junk up and down to create some sort of twisted macgyver cocker size no one can be sure if the exercise did anything other than kill time but please feel free to create a resource diagram for other editors interested in trying it out for themselves for more stories tomorrow if anyone is interested it's all about those kegels man they aren't just for women there was a guy i went to high school with who got locked up for smoking dip or wet or whatever it's called now he was in jail and was being so freaking weird that they put him in his own cell that night he had to take a crap so obviously he crap in his own hand he took said crap and smeared it all over himself mostly his head and face he proceeded to style the crap on top of his head like hair his favorite apparently being a mohawk a guard walked by that morning and saw that he had a dried crusted crap mohawk and crap all over his hands and body surprisingly there was none of his crap on anything else and that's why i don't smoke embalming fluid because of how our facility is set up the inmates are able to drain the toilet in their cell and talk through it to random inmates in other housing units once in a while you'll walk by a cell doing a round and see a guy hunted over the toilet talking into it through a rolled up magazine i am a ceo in a medium security prison at the beginning of each shift we count whatever wing we are assigned to i'll try to describe what i observed the inmates bunks are made of steel frames with steel springs that their mattresses sit on as i came by this particular cell i witnessed an inmate using a trash bag as lube and was freaking the small space between the steel frame and one of the springs basically he was sitting on his bunk had his pants down around his ankles with his dong shoved down between his thighs every few seconds or so he would lift himself up with his arms and shove his dong back down between the steel he used the trash bag to soften the friction i guess it was used as an entry point for his dong i didn't say crap just kept walking only been on the job for about a year at the time been doing it a decade now and i walk by this cell in maximum this inmate is making all these really short stiff jerky movements so i finish my security check and ask an old-timer about it come to find out the inmate was one of the most combative ones we had and he was practicing martial arts as if he was wearing full restraints belly chain leg irons evidently was pretty good at it too well i work in a prison and i've seen some crazy crap one of our inmates likes to poop in his cell and wipe it all over his cell walls sometimes he prefers to roll it into little balls that he flicks under the cell door just recently one of our inmates found out he has aids he got extremely upset and threatened suicide so he was put on suicide watch on suicide watch their cells are emptied completely and clothes taken away in lieu of a suicide dress he was pee about having his things taken away so he decided that he was going to try and give everyone else aids how he began biting the tips of his fingers off and flicking blood all over his cell window and walls it was pretty bad i've seen a ton of wieners peeing which is actually kind of weird considering i would only ever see that view if i was p in front of a mirror i have a lot more but i'm sure this will get buried anyways not in law enforcement but my best friend works at texas department of criminal justice as a guard he's told me about how he's seen inmates try to hang themselves one was definitely getting their fap on specifically to him but one really disturbed him he caught a man slicing his stomach open and his intestines falling out my friend is still a college student and hates that job because of the negativity and how miserable the inmates are i can't even imagine what you other guys go through we had a guy who would let other detainees frick with his colostomy hull he was later sent to the med bay complaining about stomach pain and they found like 23 std stees in there his name after that was collar statuette county jail we had a girl eating her own crap once made crap on her face like a mask one guy a few years ago used his crap to draw swastikas on his forehead and all over his cell walls i saw a guy get his head stumped he lived we had a guy that used his crap as hair gel a guy that swallowed batteries every chance he got we had the cutter who would cut his skin i guess for satisfaction or something went too deep and nearly bled to death the guy who pulled his jugular out and told the surgeon not to bother because he'd pull it out again we had a guy that knocked a steel door off its hinges granted the hinges were probably old and rusted that dizo cell was barely used we had a guy with a colostomy bag that would routinely pull his intestines out from the bag hole had the guy that would stand there and finger his butthole for months at a time the mexican that was detoxing from alcohol and had no idea what universe he was in he was constantly feeling around the cell and wore the skin off his fingertips and broke his wrist punch in his reflection in the metal mirror i saw the guy being dragged but naked by his ankles down the main hallway and said i'm gonna make this a job fuel and started crapping himself the one that really sticks out in my memory is the franchise owner of a maryland fried chicken got arrested for dui and she got put in a holding cell with a homeless crack w she nearly passed out from the smell of the crack w there's probably more not as much butt stuff or violation stuff a lot of mental health stuff it's hard dealing with them sometimes if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] bye for now

Channel: Updoot Everything

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Rating: 4.8620691 out of 5

Keywords: prison, guards, prison guards, weirdest, weirdest prisoners, weirdest things in prison, weird, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny reddit stories, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, reddit stories 2019, people of reddit, sub, reddit cringe, memes, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, story, stories, rslash, comedy, fresh

Id: T2SmI-U1pG8

Length: 24min 4sec (1444 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 10 2020