Prime Minister Jim Davidson (Vote for Jim)

[Applause] [Music] thank you very much thank you ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the fabulous lakeside Country Club down here in a friendly greeting sorry it's nice to see so many people turned out as you know ladies and gentlemen I've always been a great supporter of our country especially the Armed Forces summer of which our here tonight I hope talked about but I've decided legends ever in the countries and write [ __ ] stay and it's only me that's gonna get it out the pool at the moment so this is called the boat for Jim video thank you very much like German now I know what you're thinking a comedian could not run a country well I disagree with you Bill Clinton can do it I can do it [Applause] you've met my assistant of course ladies oh yes like I've decided what happened to all this this is serious I went out to Iraq to entertain Majesty's Armed Forces a while ago and believe me ladies gentlemen they are doing most of them are doing a fantastic job out there I'm sure you I don't know that there's a lot of them being injured at the moment it is a bloody shame we all thought it was a great idea and old Tony Blair we're going to go out there and tell when I'm Prime Minister I am NOT going to send our troops out to fight for oil and petrol no I'm not no I'm not I'm not gonna do that they don't bother me I'm always [ __ ] banned from driving I don't need oiling well come to that later don't you worry about that nice kiss and well it beats the [ __ ] out of kissing babies doesn't it and I've got the idea that our country was in the [ __ ] by when I was walking down through Basra marketplace right out in Iraq where all this [ __ ] is happening the moment I was walking through I've got a couple of television cameras did you see it on the telly right couple of television cameras I've got a load of armed bodyguards and I'm suddenly surrounded by these Rep these nice Iraqi people who who didn't look as if they had weapons of mass destruction that's how I tell me that then look as if they could put my [ __ ] eye fire system together let alone of weapons imagine practical but they were really nice they was all cheering they were honest swear to God they were cheering the place down I thought my god they haven't surely I ain't seen big break in Baghdad through this the generation game really big in Basra and I thought what the [ __ ] and I swear to god they're all cheering and one of the blokes that is really one of the sergeant's he said Jim the problem is they think you're the Prime Minister of all the people to be you know me to be confused for the Prime Minister do you know I mean I thought you choke it so they said you know middle aged English been walking through Basra Prime Minister so oh great so in the end I just smart yeah but then I thought my god I swear I thought they were really cheered him they loved him there I met the Prime Minister that's big that's think I thought well hang on a minute it could go a bit lonely I don't get it mom there might be someone here and it takes one than it who ate him thought could be a slice of [ __ ] naked might be an English float in the crowd so in the end I thought I better let people know I am this loves it mr. Blair you played mister you done fantastic job for our country I said what mr. Blair you done fantasy I'm not mr. Blair you tell mr. Blair he's done fantastic job for our country I said well he slapped our country Ryder Oh no he said don't say that I'm going to relive there next week okay now people listening to that might think our area go Jim Davidson they're doing a racist joke that I don't think we should call racist because we're worried about our borders ladies and gentlemen you're I'm saying let me give it I'm called George is a lorry driver right drives all around Europe but he got stopped by the British British right not the French this is down at Dover he got stopped by the British immigration officer he said to him vote of your God on Laurie [Applause] what of your butter you're learning we thought I'll [ __ ] all on up he said I've got 42 Croatian gypsies he won't let you know he said are they on pallets there are blogs are doing a good job with what I rap is are left in Iraq at the moment and I think any Americans in it's a little delicate subject nearby any Americans in exactly yeah you see that American plane fly over don't [ __ ] that I've got out the car and hid in the doorway no they mean wealthy Americans but they do think so that the British Army are the best at doing things in the world and you got overlooked seriously but let's have a look what they're left with right I was with the Navy the other way you know they've got no bloody fuel left they got no fuel left for it bloody I swear to god that was an HMS invincible 12 not flat-out there's no [ __ ] fuels a bit embarrassing innit overtaken by the Isle of Wight ferry in the Solar there's a bit man shouting bang every time they want to let a thing off with looking thank you thank you thank you thank you I've been ridiculous ever floats out there and Americans are up there in Baghdad doing what they do they do it so different what the [ __ ] is all this like fire in the hole never look fellas go now you'd have you seen this in Hollywood firing hole what the [ __ ] is that burn hole it's a very young figure the bridge yeah I'd say one laughs is that hey silly Yankee thinking it Oh [ __ ] we kick there so I [ __ ] all in one day hey Rockies don't [ __ ] like this why is that what you [ __ ] think you're Bobby but I'm Billy fire in the hole burn hole third hole there's a fire in the hole look at imagine the British Army doing that they have their way of saying when they throw a grenade in the tent you know and what is that Lin while all this was going on and all this creep in Iraq where was Prime Minister Blair Prime Minister soon to be [ __ ] ex Prime Minister Mr Blair he was down at cliff Richards house which is it proves he's a nice by proves he's not homophobic anyway if you think cliff Richards is gay it doesn't possibly bother me if you think Cliff Richard is gay or not it's not important is it some people couldn't spot I can spot a shirt lip they like that sure sit down quick gap jumps out the window the parrot stands on one leg and said you wouldn't [ __ ] a [ __ ] would you make you know oh my ass is prepared please now when I'm Prime Minister ladies and gentlemen if any of my ministers are gay that's fine with me but the first thing I would say is own up don't be like certain [ __ ] blokes there was a certain Welsh Minister wasn't there from the Labour [ __ ] party yes oh yes yeah allegedly was on Clapham Common where he gave two Rastafarians [ __ ] which proves to me that he'd been gay for some time no because if you're just starting out you don't [ __ ] start on rest of Aryans it you work your way up that n/bar Filipinos and Bangladeshis Denis don't they can't start off with stretch marks around your mouth good night I'm sad no me I couldn't suck a [ __ ] for a million quid yeah I could you're right okay would you suck your own no I wouldn't they say there's too much sleazing government if that vote was on clapping common with the rest of Aryans would have owned up it would have been no problem yes he's a mature lifter and I was on clapping comma to Rastafarians [ __ ] marvelous would've been so bad with it but no they nicked his car for starters now why didn't he know they were gonna [ __ ] do that he was an MP supposed to be switched on two black blokes platon comment never met dick in mouth car gone Oh what you know and what does he do whoo thinking it won't get in the papers goes to the [ __ ] please I'd have got the bus only I wouldn't at all the shock I was up there been a fly on the wall when you at that police station although my name's Fred McKenzie and I've been on Clanton common with you Russ are two right good friends of mine they've nicked my bloody car you've been eating yogurt it's like listen let's say y'all vote for me in our prime minister right only lasts a week with neither or a [ __ ] week they're out there I'll shut that [ __ ] tunnel that's the first thing I do is shut that tunnel shut the tunnel why don't we need a trucking tunnel to the bastards who wants to [ __ ] go there anyway could imagine the speed to print to run down that tunnel when the Germans invade him again they ask the French tonight thank us oh and they piss in that River Perrier well you ever seen what are we bubbles in it come on we fail we are [ __ ] English of the Michigan deer ha ha they come over here in their little trawlers and Nick all our bloody fish yeah yeah you want to talk about that Jeff Roe phoned me out he's gone mental oh yeah he said you know what he said oiled me and then depends both II we were nowt on a corner scrubber I said what's that what got us stag night [Laughter] we went out on the Cornish crab boat putting all the pots down the Minden the Penberthy was downstairs while the captain putting all the pots down just about ten miles off the coast of Cornwall he said and the bloody French [ __ ] trawler come along and he cast his [ __ ] nets all over the pots and it was the terrible crap going on cook the Cornish boys they could just about speed English they can't speak French at all and their Shelton and the Frenchman Sheldon back at them and he shouted them banette seven of them when I said kappa nice I said what's the matter with you he said then told the Frenchman's cast his [ __ ] nets over our pots I said well haven't you suppose we know is it I can't speak French he said well if we're now in the European Union thanks to the Tonys [ __ ] and wingnut Blair you you've got to make yourself be known and you've got to communicate is it can you speak to that French captain on our behalf Jeffro it said leave it to me Polly we français oui Monsieur you said you've cast your [ __ ] nets over our so ladies and gentlemen the first thing I'm gonna do is make Jethro foreign secretary [Applause] do you know what though seriously but Europe's gonna take did you realize you is gonna be European once you voted labour seriously I don't mind European women because they got ariane [ __ ] i quite like that yeah when they leaned back they've got two more things to lick and in eyes are they they're not looking at the freer clubs than I like and garden paths and all that now I'll tell you what though where do you think of the Prime Minister listen to this I think he's a bit of a bad judge really and I'll tell you for white while he was down at cliff Richards us okay some people might think that that's a bit odd stone a cliff Richards ask me I don't care if Cliff Richard is gay or not my mum couldn't work it out if people will go or not as I said me I could spot them she didn't even think she didn't think Liberace was gay young people don't remember it I got a lovely piano he sort of died a bit you know they sold his piano for a quarter of a million pound you know seriously couldn't give the [ __ ] stall away all right you shouldn't you shouldn't be worried about being gay or not if I was Prime Minister I'm straight out of string fellas I'd be Prime Minister you were seen in leaving string fellas with two lap dancers why was that about a third one [ __ ] that's what I'd say Prime Minister can we talk to you about the prostitution bill don't worry I'll [ __ ] fight it I'm funky no not one you in fact that's gonna be my slogan for my new party never mind their size or passion [ __ ] it up on doggy packing altogether never mind their size our passion what beat happen but some voters here up and tell you that now while he was in Barbados apparently he's walking along the beach show Prime Minister he stubbed his toe on a pop baby and a genie come out all right who'll walk me up then innit English bug it's my god a genie all right you the Prime Minister me see you on there I'll acting a question time and everything you've got one wish what happened to three wishes you got got one in flesh on everything this is really some prime minister one wish he said well can you do me a favor he said I'm having a bit of an embarrassing time at the moment a lot of people are saying I've got a self-contained flap George Bush's ass in fact when we went to Japan they called him president Bush and they called me Prime Minister Banzai the [ __ ] little bush is it so I want Eugenie to make me a [ __ ] sakes when he said now look here he said I've got a map of the Middle East if you could help me with the Middle East peace process that will do me right let's have a look at that all the Prime Minister's a terrible thing you decide you know they're terrible King Day or Middle East peace process because all the things are going wrong out there he is really the gun and hitting everybody with a Hellfire missiles I'm blowing up all the things because of the Gaza Strip I know that other stuff there and things and letting Golan Heights and then the Israelis they don't like anything going on and they all being blown up by the suicide bombers it's no good and Yasser Arafat where did he tell comment on looking out terrible it's no good because what is happening America is bringing in all the money putting the Israel finding things that's why the Iraqi war started because in firing the missiles over Connie Israel and so the Americans say you've got to give money or is really gonna go nuke them with nuki bombs and so they say no don't worry we do the invading that [ __ ] ones that as you we talking about come over there and do all that and all the troops are go there and it caused more clear so every time they blow somebody up someone come and cause more [ __ ] [ __ ] and then Syria gonna be brought in that Algeria's now the [ __ ] Morocco dooda dooda dooda the whole place go to Rocky you asking me the [ __ ] genius I can do a little bit no too difficult but they've still got the one wish he said well could you make my wife Sherry bless or give her a makeover and make it look like Nell McAndrews give us a [ __ ] novel look at the Middle East is it it's a bit personal it's a bit personal fact of all the women you could [ __ ] choose he must have chosen she must have been out with a mate and they've added bathing and another [ __ ] baby which proves he's doing to his wife what he's been doing in our country for the last four years I'll sort it out don't you worry about that funny innit I tell you what Jonah trouble is about being European is there going to tell us what to do I [ __ ] don't even like British people telling me what to do do you open in this [ __ ] with policies you've been reading about that Great Yarmouth stuff of it have you been to great yarmouth you wind all the people up and put them in one room he only got a [ __ ] boy one Father's Day card it's alright it's what Britons are and there are some fat guys walking around here hello dad no offense mother why'd you bring her around because she's markedly slimmer than yours that with it but are you related and you've got the pie shop you had you [ __ ] eat that much than that upon their loss oh dear oh no I suppose you wear a thong as well and go out like [ __ ] Britney Spears fanny like a burst rugby ball Vera I'm pirate mister you know people say he must have mentioned she's got a condition the condition of 18 [ __ ] burgers and chips every half an hour that's what a [ __ ] condition is imagine having a shock then verge of a come on and give us a clue well ladies and gentlemen while I'm at it well not when I do become primary I know it's gonna take a year or two there's a few things I've sought out for instance okay we know about you don't to be European I want to make the country great again I want to bring the people all the call these people Yama people the Welsh everybody together that's what Britain's all about not tucking your ass look you got the yeah imagine a Frenchman imagine a Frenchman walking around cased Iran see what this smelly plus disease well it is now you're [ __ ] here boy taster is like going back 200 years I swear to God you've never seen it and they say are you going out sharp I mean all right there's a lifeboat up there called the Jim Davidson which I bought them okay little lifeboat and they've got a big lifeboat hang on they got a big lifeboat called the burn up Matthews which he fought he bought the Big Brother but will he's got more bucket money of me I've had more wives I did yeah their ease that more turkeys than me but I've had more gobble wasn't it so right what just what this bird of Matthew's right Rick he refers to his turkeys What did he say they are yeah who they're for now I thought that was a little publicity stunt come and get my new Turkey rolls its bootiful yeah let's say they talk they say Oh beautiful but not just beautiful all the things with the theater they say I woke up this morning I look out the pier to see what a lovely [ __ ] zoo what a lovely [ __ ] zoo never looks at me boys coming up as he showed the other noise I went the box office but there was a [ __ ] to what military cool no cool Pete always a alright a foo the other night what's the food what is a food my [ __ ] food point a ladder you had a food pints of lager yeah it would foo feel alright no I [ __ ] had a spoon I swear to god you can't understand that work and the place of lifeboat through who I raised the money for they bind a new boat this made me laugh they're buying a new boat not from our country we can't afford to build that we haven't got any building boat industry in this country yet so they're buying one from Holland now can you imagine the conversation between the Coxon of the lifeboat UK stuff and the man who's building the boat in Holland none of them knew what the [ __ ] they were saying to one another hello there's only her old Boise back then limited or it said it here and won't cooperate no lifeboat one we got the mouth and go don't talk war oh we ain't got it so push it with [ __ ] track they go down there football get something sucks I'm going get right up fridge elbow lands off the old cup North Sea and we going out there Joel Scott we sang about what yo do a eight night so we don't go [ __ ] hood eat and get stuck there on the old town hey you got anything going right over there baby [ __ ] ozb a drawback for thought you're a school the hills look a little go ball here in Holland because we're gonna make this thing and the balls like to ship officer all together foot and then the donkey bail and all that we've got the circum the chicks with dicks novel melbourne in the god or not get this down how the [ __ ] can they thought there was another this whom I gotta tell you this story I gotta get his story out of his system before it kills me there's some remember back hello mate our bollocks to the video we're just Emma laughs now look it in for can't you give him some of your am burger a below now pencil-neck they're coming don't you feel bad goes if you rolled on top of him he go through the mattress like chips wouldn't I [Applause] I think that's one thing I'm going to do ladies and gentlemen I don't think we think we spend far too much money on overseas aid don't you people ask me about this I remember Bob Geldof and all them people then when they asked me to do band-aid and I didn't do band-aid and I thought about it ladies and gentlemen I thought about helping the Ethiopians and the Africans then I thought [ __ ] them racist or anything I know but it's you could only keep was it throwing good money after bad every year there's a [ __ ] drought or a flood some both can starve it's not our fault boys you don't care coming back with in beers do you like that the starving in Africa it's a terrible place it's a really sad place they recognize the women there I've got AIDS and I forgot TB oh yes think of that lads when you go there Nala the only [ __ ] the ones look coughed [Applause] now I just can't work it out while we give all this money overseas and we still ain't got enough money to give old-age pensioners and electric fire at Christmas they can't even switch yeah I got enough money for [ __ ] bingo dough and I hate any senior citizens in will [ __ ] off in clarinha trucking buy some well the other thing I want to talk about I had it I've got a letter from a woman the other day she was in the show and sometimes I say things that upset people right I didn't mean to I just said something that was on my mind there was a bloke sitting where you are there are looking brainless in the short sleeve shirt but I'm Roger come offstage think the guy was on before me said I think there's a blind bloke in the front row so I thought all right I'm swerve around that don't know upset him but I've had a couple of drinks you see and I was intrigued so I said to him excuse me mate normally with people are disabled us were brown am Italian I said oh you ain't blind Dyer and he said yes no I said the audience would just wonder what the [ __ ] are you doing sitting in the front that's all I say what's all I say and we we live in a society where people are frightened to talk to disabled people right now I learnt this from my mate Denzil right dentals the Welsh been great lad he was in the Paris and he got his leg blown off in the Falklands and he said Tim he said you've got to speak about people's disabilities you can't just ieave behind them I said well I said what I might say the wrong thing you know say you're a blind bloke did you see Fred yeah I'm sorry did you feel Fred oh it showed me what to do it right I've never been so embarrassed in me like this is true he walked up the sign on Western we was at one of these Falklands reunions gigs - Welshman together badly disfigured from the Falklands War no swear to God all Simon was only talking about you the other night was your [ __ ] ears burning again they're in this in mind that I sort of become disabled friendly me when I was up in Great Yarmouth on [ __ ] Yarmouth right I said on the pier wheelchairs free you've never seen anything like it like the [ __ ] paraplegic Olympics coming down there well and I found an empty wheelchair at the fam'ly [ __ ] gonna be an empty wheelchair son [ __ ] are coming in a wheelchair Oh America and I've got a letter from a woman with multiple sclerosis right and she wrote to me and she said you took the piss at me the other night she said it was bloody marvelous she said normally they don't speak to me they ignore me and talk to my husband you're the first person has ever took the pizza I made fantastic that's because I've learned to face up the people with disability or I've upset a few Paul McCartney didn't like me when I said your wife's landed on her foot he went but look how well disabled people have done in our country look at David blanket now I'm a bit I know he's blind than everything and he's a nice bloke but I'm just a bit concerned about him aren't you ladies and gentlemen that our own City what signal does it give you know when we actually live to the world at the House of Commons when he's doing his speech and he's dog dragged its arse along the car them little drums they door there are so long that carve a leaving a little Paisley Pat and I love them one that they look as if they really liked it as well but I've often wondered what they did till I tried it myself one night it was fabulous but I saw mr. Plunkett once I was talking to him because we do a few of these functions and he's dog pissed up his leg and you know he did he's a kind man he got a bit of chocolate and went like that I said mr. blanky your dogs just pissed up your leg he said I know that I said anyone else I said you give it a bit of chocolate yeah I wanted to find out which ended that was what could kick it with Apollo all right I think the disabled people should be brought more into the community any disabled people in there tonight yeah he's been brought more into the community so when I get in I'm taking all those fasting ramps up get up the [ __ ] stairs on your own that's it I'm more fun go down the [ __ ] when you're bit I went out with a girl with one leg once I didn't [ __ ] know she had this wooden leg and it's a bit scary because I was dancing with her she's getting [ __ ] taller now I was unscrewing her so hmm went around the other way she wasn't got chill or so ugly I didn't realize right so I took it back to bed now in Britain as British people we're not foreign we're not part of Europe we are Britain we are gentlemen to ladies well as much as we can be it's always tits first that's what I'm saying you know it's it's kissing tongues neck here old titties this is the BBC nipples you'd never go straight for the jack and Danny because that is the [ __ ] sacred area the old furriness you know that's you don't know whether they are on or they they don't [ __ ] tell you they don't tell you because you'd leave them in the pub I'm on [ __ ] off then no right they get you to take them to bed first and when you go down there like that let's say you've come upright our Station zebra let's of course you want to floss now no trying to be crude for the sake of it all I'm saying is it's always he's [ __ ] cheer that there it's tits first so you never go straight for the old cat's face yours do a dummy run then your first you know life so a circuit and balanced yeah but yeah sometimes you go down this lake you go back the [ __ ] kissing again but you eventually get down an old Jack and Danny yeah and then you've got a caress and [ __ ] bit wicked thing strumming have a bit ever strung you know this is what you do that this is the rules this is arid Englishman always has a bit of a strong first you know and you need you keep going that you keep going until the sound changes we know that this is pretty fundamental basic stuff you keep they leave it with your jacket me onion Dino fingerprint until it sounds like your mum beat in an omelet for no no I'm not being rude I'm trying [Applause] here - sounds like a flock of mallards II in a slice of bread off the surface of a lake so I'm in bed with this one-legged woman and I've I'm texting me [Music] do a couple of circuit and bumps all go down gone down the leg on top over the jack and Danny and [Music] suppose you have a lake it's on the mantelpiece this is no [ __ ] need to open them that wide laughs so I'm saying you should have seen that wheelchair racing great geometry it was beautiful what a food Percy tells me this joke he said this friendship he said pea hit the joke you intend on generation game footing top the bottom [ __ ] me whatever French student is gone to stay in case Doron see put a watch back 300 years in the front room she said you mind if ever birth made them know your husband is gone to zip up hey so they were headed bath ship we ain't got about him a deer so what we got i put the tin bath down fill it up the hot war I put the food suds in you get this big kind of humid air you don't know anybody sit here and watch the television more you having a bath do you EastEnders is all she's no madam I do not mind two women sitting together this is no problem so she gets undressed me I would sixty two-year-old coaster woman look they say what a beautiful body you've got then I did did you think of my damn he's very nice [Music] just a minute you ain't got no [ __ ] pooch too bad don't Madame she said you've got no poops what do you I don't understand what is a poop it's your [ __ ] poo but did not know poo but hair you see related to Brer Rabbit you know your [ __ ] Jack and Danny's got no weapon Boober where have you shaved them off she said it didn't think it difficult care I've never seen that is [ __ ] boulders or snooker ball that there see what is a snooker ball do they not have the hair you can't have a hair on a snooker ball wrap round your [ __ ] snooker dude ain't got none in the Heath that bit new women can't quite trim up bit sort of a bit it's not the old neck when you shave lads that is old spotty and pimply in it like the price in Braille the old hinge I think you got none in the hinge submit them I've never said it boo well I be [ __ ] never had to pull none on Biff ins bridge either don't know what this term is I never heard any poop Smith that night right she said the old man where there in bed he come out in the pub [ __ ] she said have a good night you joy fun indeed said she had a bath that friends burden she ain't got no boobs no boobs none in the hinge no none it none on Biddeford's bridge they'd known anyway hit there what she shaved him off no she ain't got a [ __ ] one but never had a puppy food well he said Euler's I would look without a bird of that age got no [ __ ] boobs sure you come to you home to poverty hide behind the curtain or get her in the band you can have a look Jaden got one foot and poop on the old Jack and Danny don't you worry about that boy and she got a crap net oh she got crap downhill but you got no [ __ ] puss covering the final thing I and none in the [ __ ] what about the other [ __ ] huge there's not a [ __ ] pool there she's [ __ ] Poulos come you honk the pub hide behind the curtain ten o'clock ten o'clock next night she did would you like a bath this big kind of humid air my showcase a little bath she suggests her beautiful body but I still can't believe you've got no booze she said meth in dual English swimming as the pub's you have a look at this my dear I've not trimmed this up and working 59 years [Applause] it book and starts under me takes down here in both [ __ ] hinges help me ass like the rooster tail or you can pull it round and pull it tie it in a knot do little shape do some burning with it that's what you call [ __ ] boobs that night in bed young man said boy I never say not like that I behind the curtain look nice you ain't got one [ __ ] poop on a Jack and Danny she said I told you not one [ __ ] poop there you didn't believe me well I thought and seen it now with my own eyes you would have to get your old Fanny out wouldn't ya [ __ ] pulling faces with it she said it ain't nothing you ain't seen before yeah always seen it but the [ __ ] dark steam have a nap walk oh this is gonna change when were Europeans I bloody hate the French it's their fault and it all this Europe is the map in French is book you know you call you know what you call the Frenchman in sandals Philippe follow all right ladies and gentlemen what's been happening lately I tell you other things just got to changing this country I said it you think that farmers should be in prison for shooting that burglar if I was Prime Minister what I send into prison for shooting that burger now I've sent it the Zimbabwe train their [ __ ] farmers what if what if a burglar gets in your house what you do shoot him we've all got guns now boy they're [ __ ] killing goalies off you've got a gun now what if it's a young burger patties Billy's old I suppose do you know what the thing is with burglars as well I suppose if they get in your house they lose their right to anything what what do you mean what do you think so yeah so you use reasonable force yeah break his [ __ ] neck so murders alright is it I supposedly be just buried in and I wanted [ __ ] no anyway were they well burglars don't people tell people where they're going [ __ ] burbling today you see you're taking the risk of that burglar could kill you so you're gonna kill him that's what it is it's fear he could [ __ ] kill me and you're working out better to be tried by 12 than carried by six right okay what right okay do you know what annoys me is not the fact that I had this it might divorce I swear to god this is relevant right either I'll come back to the divorce later the delicate subject of you [ __ ] women taking every [ __ ] penny we [ __ ] got obviously you haven't bought a stay here now I sweat I wear my pants in bed it was a big article in the paper that are wearing pants in bed it was like John Major tucking he's you know sure into his pants they done me up like some master I do wear me pants it I know it's not sexy girls you pants in bed behind [ __ ] doing case of burglar comes in and the reason is you've got to use reasonable force and puff up like a bullfrog right get out walk fast in our do why are there no matter how tough you are your little dicks gotta be [ __ ] backing in like that it yeah it's gonna be fry at this [ __ ] scared that it are you know if [ __ ] Berlusconi the dick is gonna be talking to you bollocks come up we're gonna get [ __ ] prick you know you can't stand this you're good at working anything doing that you know what if it's a black burglar what the [ __ ] is that little [ __ ] no no right but burglars burglars always come in at night they know it lads right you bet this right you know you go to going to sleep at night this is the worst thing the police gotta sort this out cause I [ __ ] like this [ __ ] she's fast asleep or in that nightie to turn that that working day after you got married you can't even bend them over them [ __ ] shag of now Pena no they cry rape they do you know what your wife can say you've raped especially if you [ __ ] whack one up track two one night when they're not down what you clapping for what was you like we're not trapped up what happened to you did you get one up track two while he was having our [ __ ] teacher to turn the after the old man when he's coming from working you'll fall asleep be prepared in future eat a light lunch had no sweet corn [Applause] this rate thing is a bit much and apologies to anyone that's ever suffered any rape situation but chipper poor old John Leslie right he's gone in the newspapers accused of rape and he's all these pictures everybody never [ __ ] done it had everyone saying oh very funny indeed there's that John Leslie you never [ __ ] liked anyone not very nice at something if you women refuse it do women have the render women have the right to say no if each that's all the time all the time all the time so you take one to bed right and you do cat's face circuit and bumps half a [ __ ] quick polish the Winkle is about to go in and debauchery lands now in that case we're all guilty aren't we just put a little bit in Donna Nolan no that's just the end of it when I start walking toward you you're in trouble but what if men were right we wouldn't like it will be led the roads of that couple of young 19 year old student sleeping on you're in the park yeah I'm mr. burr gonna suck your [ __ ] Oh you know this is true late they phoned me up the news of the world phoned me when you Rica Johnson who is sweetest you know even enter into my edge he's foreign girl you know and she said that someone had sexually assaulted her and they everyone was trying to work out it was lucky the house to me yeah and I was real flash legs I'm not normally flashed but is that great Artur I said get a very delicate something were you the one that made Lantern you regional this is what what did you say that was here is a delicate subject and the police should sword it I think just please spend more time arrested motorists and they do prevent in crime don't you let's talk let's talk about the delicate subject of drink driving at which I can speak with some expertise ladies indefinitely the drink-driving laws should be changed and I'll tell it for why they should be changed because all the nice pubs are in the country if you live in London you can't get out to them nice pubs in the country right but you can't get a taxi you try and get a taxi in London right after 10 o'clock at night you get it duck see some African book actually nothing so I'll wait for a proper cab need proper cup I wait for a black cat what the [ __ ] you think I am oh ok then we'd like to go to the cottage Jean in five field I dunno I don't know whether did that never a good no idea where that is carrying cross I know dear Juno Lagos or did Nigeria well [ __ ] off back there father but you know what though I said we've got taxi drivers that know where places are this is not a racist thing this is you wanted to go to the [ __ ] map and you know why you want to go in the path we'll have a glass of real oh not this Budweiser and all this American [ __ ] [ __ ] we're forced to drink no you want to find a real Oh in fact you want six pints of [ __ ] real ale right so you've got to drive there you have six pints of real I'll get the brewery we inflated a couple of large whiskeys ain't gonna get home what I'll order not ain't gonna [ __ ] turner you've got a drive you choose [ __ ] pistol [Applause] you've got to drive up it's no good the whole country staying in we've got to go out and enjoy yourself we were [ __ ] odd everyday we've got to go out and have a drink of a night time right the only little bit of relaxation yes so this is what I propose I propose to change the drink driving laws as follows from 10 past 11:00 to 3:00 o'clock in the morning there'll be a curfew where only drinks are allowed to drive on the roads of brick you're alright now you like you can all go up I mean it worked the treat with it and without the police app to make sure there's no sober people to [ __ ] it up you not me no I mean there's someone coming on the right side of the road would [ __ ] it the correct side you know and if all the drunks want to go out forgive me if anyone than anywhere family injured away with drunk driver but this will stop that it only be the drunks they take their lives in their own hands they want to drive [ __ ] um let them get on with it and I think it has stopped all that red tape and all these insurance companies ripping us off that we see on Sky Television all the day if you fell over somewhere do you like to [ __ ] up the bloke you work for for 40 years by falling off the store are you a big fat [ __ ] that the stool can't hold up if you've fallen over and the man that's kept you and your family in business for 20 years you want to [ __ ] him over for your five grand while giving me four then up yours you silly underclass fat [ __ ] but right so when only drunks are out they sort it out themselves right trunks can understand one another you put the sober bloke with a load of drunks what the [ __ ] are they all about no no no is that great Rajat rudyard kipling poem wasn't there I think it was my job Kipling there's love between a son and a mother there's love between a man and a lover but there is no love that can compare with one drunken [ __ ] on another Oh Rudyard Egon he could string a word together but if it flew in magic you have a crash on the bar in front this is the part two drunks who is wrong we start the [ __ ] rather you are we're gonna [ __ ] right we're in a field I'm sorry max dial turning my about it oh my you all done here [ __ ] oh no Francie look at him [ __ ] stay here why foul by what was done here Worf no no that's my Chinese hey sumo I want to spare with one of swap numbers there are swap cars are sucking starboard we wonderful would it that's the way at the police breathalyze people you ain't been but in drinking sorry [ __ ] good I'm quick ah let you off this time alright alright you're nicked you're doing 60 mile an hour you must be taking drugs you just said that because I'm black it's nothing to do you being black how'd you do on taking drugs you ain't got a [ __ ] car about it speed cameras I'm going to do away with speed cameras because they really do piss me off and bus lanes mass lanes you know you finally get to work right bus lanes we've you can't afford a car [ __ ] walk the work then you're in a traffic jam trying to get Lee gonna get a bollocky not your boss you've got to go get a worker there's one [ __ ] bus comes along every three hours at one old-age pensioner gonna [ __ ] bingo don't need to be out the first buck in place miserable coward that [ __ ] legs open the gusset like none bread cutting [ __ ] terrible speed cameras do you know what I must have been done 30 times with speed cameras in fact about a month ago of must a bit a world rippled I was coming from London to Guildford down the a three six six cameras got me right and they will turn that one the same day these six bits right you are Nick so I from this bird up and I said which one of these fines you want me to play she said pop I said I've got six fines here which ones do you want me to play she did you have to pay them all no I said no she said you were speeding six times no I said aren't looking learn or speedy once I'll never slow down these cameras there's nothing set oh they did they didn't tell me to slow down they just took a photograph of me waking them all dinner says we're going to do if you just stick one of these outside your ass and when a burglar comes along take a picture of him don't prevent the [ __ ] take a picture yeah yeah I haven't paid any amount I've had thirty fines for speeding and I ain't got one point on my license do you know why I phoned me mates up and say how do you fancy fifty quid what I got to do at three point no call auntie pearl was 84 years of age my auntie told what she said - knew it she had not been driven apart for thirty years she's been banned three times in the last two years and I don't say they don't say prove it was aren't you pal it's not about preventing like people being injured it's about getting more money for the bloody government and it ladies and gentlemen it is and we're [ __ ] sick of it right poor auntie pearl so now they're gonna photograph burglar so when the burglar comes in you Bucky now it's like a photograph they said room was nude a burglar of this out know was annoying [ __ ] it was on e pearl what he's gonna say and the worst thing about burglars did you lie there in bed [ __ ] you know what anyway [ __ ] and what's that I gotta mention anything to she is it was that all the [ __ ] you know no I don't know [ __ ] fur blitz gonna come in and it oh no I thought that's always I can show up in at u9m bloody bed at the bottom burglars gonna get in down sir Massa don't knock pocket oh my god he's killed futher oh he's probably only is my up here with a [ __ ] baseball bats gonna not [ __ ] are you ain't gonna [ __ ] write me and check me out [ __ ] trap - and wipe his [ __ ] in the air and they're all that that one lucky nickel margarine go outside and piss on our rose bushes and [ __ ] Nick out [ __ ] runners over it gives it out [ __ ] babe you've worked that out just from her we're going so we're it not be an ax murderer you don't [ __ ] show we're out there they not right me there's nothing wrong with sex if it's safe where the old condoms yes then Brad i'ma give you see their luminous ones [ __ ] that being attacked by not know make Lori at one he's mark yeah stick it on and lie on the baby in the dark would explode and I shall run in Bullock night he the late straight on it I said that was a laugh we should [ __ ] Wars I put it on the bedpost now [Applause] you've Obot about to say tonight ladies and gentlemen about certain things barely trouble is if I was to take it serious about being an MP right I actually would last about a week I could not [ __ ] stand there opposite that [ __ ] and I could never drive me back in man and I think I would be seen coming out as scary I had by the skin of my teeth I kept out the newspapers during the pan oh this year I got fun of various hotels like I always do but they're real true now I will store it no-holds-barred story me and John Virgo a few others stand in the Bristol Marriott hotel right this is the real story and I'll sit at John and meet with barb at 10 past 11:00 so we go to the bar he goes upstairs to watch the end the Manchester United playing football exhausted it and this Croatian bloke I was sitting talking to white who serve him behind the bar quite like he couldn't speak English but I thought you know I'll give him the benefit of doubt poor [ __ ] been in a container lorry for a couple of days yeah and he was working in this hotel [ __ ] knows how he got the job at good luck him you know now that's understood did up there he put the shutters down look I said I'll finish drinking then ever why I said I finished drinking la vie and he said anybody's close these nobody else here I said omnia I'm a resident yeah but there's no other residents or is no point in serving just you I said could you go check then that people are in bed cuz I fancy a Kip a bit later he said they'd Lawrence possible you know I'm just don't get me the manager he said I'd call her her I'm fat now upcoming this little fat cow she would have made a good burglar because her ass would have rubbed her footprints out right she's got this might be read there she's obviously a rug muncher one of these feminists saved the world to see be driving [ __ ] Greenpeace our souls vegetarian pins [ __ ] everywhere forever and just when it can get no worse she says good eye I said might be a good day to you madam I don't seem to be out to get a drinks and that's because the bars shut mr. Davidson I said have kind of you Australian people to come over here and tell us these things because I'm sure an English slim woman wouldn't be able to tell us all this stuff that I love those leggings and the camel toes they really set you up I'm pissed off now what a [ __ ] she said the night Porter's got miniatures I said well tell him I'll have a point a minute to draft Guinness and she hated that like he loves being a smartass so she said then I said listen this is [ __ ] ridiculous as soon as I swore she got on a high note when I lost the moral ground there really I shouldn't this war should have kept really sort of piss elegant British but I couldn't help you to get him off [ __ ] you know and she had one of them stud staying at a Tong I thought what a waste on a rug muncher and so I said I look fun and she said I don't like your language no I said like if you don't like the way the English people speak don't come to [ __ ] in England any more than ads murder she's you're not gonna call security as a caller you [ __ ] won't I've worked the lakeside I ain't scared of anyway so anyway I said our bollocks I'm going upstairs to watch tug TV so I went up to watch midnight tug TV you know the old great ones in you I always turn it off when the black bloke comes it this is not racism it's fear i sat there with my bird once in this [ __ ] black bloke with the afro skinny legs flares and he got this thing I had brains it would have ruled the world I don't new money on the blue films you can wish forward and just get the rug munching the women down there with a little bit so I like that but on tuck TV you've just got a sort of turn it's never the same [ __ ] story it should be stewardesses bending over or lesbian that's what some [ __ ] slapper with a camcorder in Colchester in the kitchen all stretch marks and tattoos felt wrong [ __ ] horrible old slapper you wouldn't [ __ ] mr. blanket wouldn't [ __ ] up he could probably read the pimples on her ass out back so no I don't wish to be ungracious but I'm ready for tug TV so I'll go up and have a bit of a shower cuz I'm a bit foot take your makeup off repent oh I've got the down on like that dick out ready tissues in all different angles with something [ __ ] you know sometimes you can get a spurt up can't you if you're not careful nothing worse and I wonder you women swallow the [ __ ] stuff so did you I'm there like that [ __ ] the channel change it room number [ __ ] room number whiskey [ __ ] room number who's me clean get the keys a bit of [ __ ] plastic is no room number on the [ __ ] thing I have to go out six one four what comes up Harry Potter sorry from here flick through nothing you know I'm committed now it's our phone up did I oh listen I tug TVs packed up and pick apart missed that the adult channels not working I'll send out the night porter that's very kind of you but I wanted to watch a film [ __ ] I got sort of a wink right I can't wait on my own I've got oh I'm [ __ ] substance I don't know about you LEDs your yeah sure yeah it's not ever booked with something and there's nothing worse than actually he came at me with his throbbing manhood to slurp it Ram mine you turnovers and suck it out I call about Range Rover discoveries of that Oh God I need some input have you tried that [ __ ] o89 eight numbers you've got through to some real horny chicks you're [ __ ] worried about now I know that now which kills you do you want lesbians and press one don't [ __ ] worry about that lesbian sex jiwon blonde girls press one for blonde girls press two for brown girls press 2 for slopes jinx / - and a 3 on every [ __ ] three and it's a breast [ __ ] five I want lesbian black [ __ ] girl with this she won them a big tits for a press six the [ __ ] bored tits of a [ __ ] everything right there's been a big day bloke in it I can [ __ ] shuck one eye for him what he turns out do that by the time you [ __ ] got through you did you couldn't [ __ ] him wake it up with Nell McAndrews gussets I need stimuli can't flunk you make yards on guys I'm getting [ __ ] old so now I'm looking like this I'm flicking through the channels trying to see anything bitter like Baywatch will be on or RTL channel you know tutti frutti on the boo beginner parade in Aqaba do you mean what you want a bit that would [ __ ] over that way like a boy a speedboat player would a pretty good anything [ __ ] tits anything the flate adverts like a [ __ ] [ __ ] richard and judy any [ __ ] thing nothing so I looked through for a magazine okay magazine banner Beale is early she's been a good old tug favorite of mine that lives okay you know see I've had more sticky but anyways so nothing but but yellow pages visiting massage now I've got a dilemma in this that Mister politicians now do they own up and do it a walk now me being a sort of are for famous slur Bo if I pull one of these lap dancer II birds right I'm good for maybe 10 15 month ago if I can write something in the paper this is Bristol and they're gonna be a great old slapper turning up and G my lover not confer II quit out the visiting massage one off the wrists and say no more back home on Oh [ __ ] on 250 she's gonna have all the tattoos burn off oaths wannabe orrible and to be a picture of her in the paper and what she says he was hung like a hamster none of that I thought I had a brainwave I own a couple of foreign Birds they might know the [ __ ] yes son pick the phone up and I dialed the number and so though my name is mr. Elliott in room six one four of the Marriott hotel in Bristol on a light scent around a couple of birds please I'd like a Filipino or a Thailand bird in fact any [ __ ] Asian thing will do about four foot ten small hands make your [ __ ] look enormous Jack and Danny longer mouse is here and trap to like the eye of a [ __ ] needle to start with and then I like the Russian bird about six foot two huge tits with nipples like loganberries dipped in bubble I would like them to come in when I'm lying on the bed and start kissing one another and licking each other's Virginians cover themselves with baby or where I want to leap in and shag the pair of them senseless don't you worry about that and then I want to lie down on the bed drinking whiskey and while the Russians giving me a [ __ ] the Filipinos behind are giving it a good-news up trap - with the pits going mark for the voice on the phone said you have to dial nine for an outside line mister driving so I would say that would seriously end my career as a politician still we've had a good old chat ladies and gentlemen if anyone makes sense to any of the things I've said made sense remember there's an election coming up and for [ __ ] sake vote that someone is going to give you your country back let's bring the drawbridge up and be British once again I thank you very much [Music] [Applause] [Music] my friend and I say that most sincerely vote for me and you'll be voting for a man who knows everything there is to know about suffering poverty and mass destruction yes I've been married four times I'm not asking much when I get to be Prime Minister just a big answer the country my own private jet the occasional [ __ ] from someone in the office in a hundred man who's generous to a fault didn't I give some poor deserving bastard a cuddly toy for seven years seven years yes that was a job the generation games you remember that ladies and gentleman fabulous just as I was about to shag Lee acquittance and I've got the [ __ ] sack you know you can trust me I'm not gonna tell you a pack of those superficial lies like all them other politicians when I tell a lie I'm gonna [ __ ] mean it and I say that with my hand on my heart I've got big plans for our country lazy judgment make no mistake about what the first thing I'm gonna do when I get the number 10 is declare war on America [ __ ] Yanks cutting that type of [ __ ] Yankee wanker George W [ __ ] [ __ ] pronounce it W [ __ ] chopper [ __ ] boys [ __ ] you know do you know what I simple in last week I said George I've got the perfect solution to find out where bin Laden is I didn't spray the whole of Afghanistan with viagra right and it will make the print stand up suck it up on me and this is the boat right George [ __ ] booboo yeah George Wright keeps telling the world that America is in a stable condition a stable condition ladies and gentlemen and what do you find in a stable [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] and more [ __ ] yeah and speaking of [ __ ] and I do in a political context can you believe the [ __ ] Yanks actually voted for Arnold Schwarzenegger or to be politically correct Arnold [Applause] Schwarzenegger building crap for so long his brains have gone though he's bollocks hire an interpreter every time he makes a speech talk about a Publix beer he couldn't have leave a fart in a baked bean factory I saw him ladies and gentlemen at a political rally right and some reports up right oh there they said Oh mr. Schwartz real person other candidates are debating the masses all over California do you have a message for all those [ __ ] you should scope it or you another report it said Mr Swartz person what do you think of the Iraqi position yeah I never tried it I liked it on top mrs. Bush tries to get on top of George W could you can only [ __ ] up how can you expect someone like Arnold [ __ ] put puts with that Austrian [ __ ] to reach out to the people if you don't speak proper [ __ ] English like what I do I've said it before and I'll say it again I've got millions of ideas making this country great again and here's just one of them sex education will be compulsory to all the school kids from the age of five never too early to learn and sex is important I went for that sex 100 you buy mock you may mock I went without sex once for 10 years 10 long years then when I was 11 I thought [ __ ] this for a lot they come in my little playmate blesser Florrie Mansfield fell off her bike and I had to give it the kiss of life well I was only young I didn't know what to do ladies and gentleman did I so I started a gym shoes and worked my way up the things I discovered on that short journey changed my life forever look at me now four marriages several kids five of the [ __ ] the conclusion that sexy just like bungee jumping ladies and gentlemen if the rubber breaks your [ __ ] or deposit it's like Kentucky Fried Chicken you start with the breast work going up to five and then that with your bone in the greasy box too many grown ups today are totally ignorant about sex look at John Berger he's been playing snooker bisoder on he treats a woman's body like he's a tournament like is that a tournament ladies and gentlemen and that is wrong because if he misses the pink he goes in off the brown cheese ages today should be taught what kind of condoms to use safe sex never leave your name and address condoms this is a minute to choose from isn't it the bobble is the pricklies the tickler as the tingler's the smell is the teasers the people she pleases the grinders the knob jobs and raspberry ripples they've even got one that plays music every time you make love plays music every time you bucket things we are the champions pardon me every single one mother night that was my favorite of course was a ribbed arouser put it on inside out why should you have all the [ __ ] I'm gonna get rid of all them bloody do-gooders League up the trees not building a bypass around their [ __ ] stomping down a hole bastards left the [ __ ] to think these driving left [ __ ] students save the wild our souls floating around in big ships and little did you save that well who are these people how do they find us to their jobs I tell my friends like that they might mean well yeah but you know personally speaking I find them like a bunch of laxatives really yes I irritate the [ __ ] out of it ladies at them I ask you search the bottom of your heart what good is a [ __ ] rail in the first place I can't even breathe and the [ __ ] water it's just a big bit of blubber that each little fishies pissing at the top of his head and causes a big tidal wave every time it fast you can't even eat a [ __ ] thing there wouldn't be enough chips to go around what they're I'm speaking of ancient mariners I know there's a lot of old people watching out there and all you old people out there worrying about what little bit of future you may have left on his chin we'll take care of you the lovable old new people I've got a phone call ladies different the other day broke my heart an 85 year old woman who told me she had no money nowhere to live and she was incontinent I said to old dear I said where are you ringing from dear she said the waist down mate well as soon as I'm with it you're going to get food parcels free false teeth tickets to Daniel O'Donnell concerts and for speed Zimmer frames to get you to bingo and back there'll be coffee mornings every day so you can go and complain about the [ __ ] weather free viagra but you old men stopped you rolling out of bed or half of the aggro stop your bitching on your slippers in the morning I hope to be one one day ladies and gent it's not easy being old is it - speak from experience my uncle and he's 94 and he just married this beautiful girl of 24 age what does it mean come the honeymoon they had separate rooms of course 2 a.m. in the morning knocked on the door I suppose the [ __ ] the question he said put it in his false teeth he tore off on 90 and added away good for him good night Bambi say that went back to his own room an hour later that man that man who's worked most of his life had been through two world wars he knocks on the door again same thing happened thumping pumping wheezing coughing spitting farting 25 minutes bed rattling dick Don follow up and walk on the Curt load it now then he says good night Bambi goes back to his room another hour goes past knock knock she opens the door said I suppose a [ __ ] out the question she can't believe what she's hearing she says you're 94 and I'm 24 at that you possibly ever done stamina to come to my room two times already two times and ask for more two times he says have I been here before then seriously folks you [ __ ] mean it be your big break any of you Doris is out there welcome to come back to my hotel later and inspect my huge manifesto and I'm really looking forward to a big election before I go I'd like to thank the few people who helped me in my campaign Thank You Rita Johnson to help me keep your pecker up and deflation is setting it most of all thanks to all of you out there all of you out there in television land who are watching this epic historical broadcast all I can tell you ladies and gentlemen I love my country and I love you vote for Jim and I'll give you your country back thank you is that all right Harry [ __ ] more about

Channel: Stuart Clark

Views: 558,454

Rating: 4.5484385 out of 5

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Id: 07stWVQVa-E

Length: 74min 1sec (4441 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 04 2017