- My God, you know,
I've tried everything. I've tried self-help
and I've tried "The Secret" and 12 Steps and... this dick-sucking whore
has cracked the code. [laughter] - How you doing, ladies? Can I interest you
in a... threesome? [gasping, panting] Welcome to
"This Is Not Happening." I'm your host
Roy Wood Junior. [gasping, panting] <i> [dramatic musical sting]</i> - Huh. What's up,
Little Roy? - I did it again. <i> [dark music]</i> <i> ♪ ♪</i> [goat bleats] - Hello, Roy. How's the water?
[echoing] Water...water... Does it feel...pure?
[echoing] Pure...pure... <i> [dark electronic music]</i> - Can you feel me... inside of you? <i> ♪ ♪</i> [cheers and applause]<i>
- This next gentleman,</i> you know him
from his podcast, "The New York City
Crime Report," Pat Dixon, everybody! [cheers and applause] <i> - I'm not local.
I live in New York.</i> I live in Chelsea, uh,
and before that, it was, uh, Queens, and, uh, before that,
I lived in my car, uh... Not poverty or anything.
I just--I had this idea that I wanted to be
in show business. Ha ha. Uh... I would be on the road
doing stand-up 35 or 40 or 45 weeks a year, and, uh, it's--I know
it sounds glamorous, uh... but the truth is, it's not. It beats working, though. Working is the worst,
and so, uh... [laughter] One week I was not working in, uh, Nashville
and I met this girl working in the box office,
and she told me she was having
a birthday party that night. And that was the Wednesday,
the first night of the week, so I went, and, uh... When I got there,
I saw her, and she was dancing,
this natural redhead, and she was wearing skintight
leopard-print pants, and she was laughing
the whole time she danced. Never seen anybody
like that and then... we were introduced, and
she just had this intensity, you know,
she's like hypersexual and just really interesting
right off. And I kinda halfway
fell in love with her, really, right then, you know.
And she gave me a big hug before she left me
standing there. And she was covered
with this-- There was like a mist
around her, you know. She'd been dancing,
the warm was room. Or, uh, the room was warm. [laughter] The warm was not room
at all, but... [laughs]
She'd been dancing, and she was kind of sweaty,
you know, and I got close to her. So she gave me one of
those hugs that you give somebody
that you used to fuck. [laughter] But you've since moved on. And, uh, somewhere between
her hair and her shoulder, right there, and I caught a
whiff of, like, sex, you know. Just...the smell, you know? And that was the first time
I smelled Laura. And Laura...she expressed
a little attraction towards me, I think. I don't know,
sometimes these things'll be misinterpreted, but I-- [laughter] I took it that way,
you know, because she said to me,
"If you weren't married, I would take you home
and fuck your cock off." [laughter] And although it was true,
I was married, I-I took that as a firm offer. So, uh...and my marriage
was kinda lousy. We didn't talk to each other
anymore. We didn't--The more I was on
the road--I was gone a lot, I wasn't home,
and we started to have less and less in common. Laura, on the other hand--
pretty flexible. And, uh, she was similar
to me, you know? She was like, uh,
no responsibilities and she would
sleep on couches and she just kind of, uh,
was willing to travel. And so it got to be a habit,
whenever I would leave town, I would pick her up and we would go
and have sex in hotels. Cheap ones, mostly.
Disgusting. I know it's disgusting.
It really is. But I loved her--I was just
madly in love with her. I mean, she's a beautiful
girl, red hair and blue eyes, and her answer to everything
was "yes." [laughter] And I didn't have any defense
for that right then. You know what I mean?
'Cause if you meet somebody and they fill a void in you,
you know, and you seem to fill
a void in them, and you guys are filling
each other's voids and... You should--There's one thing
you should do--run away. Like when a woman will blow you
a couple times a day if you want,
you have that going, and it changes your life. It changes the way
you process things. You start thinking
everything's great. [laughter] You know? Like, uh...like your life
is falling apart, you know, but it feels like everything's
finally coming together. Man, I've never--
You're skipping. You've got a spring
in your skip, you know. My God, you know,
I've tried everything. I've tried self-help
and I've tried "The Secret" and 12 Steps and... this dick-sucking whore
has cracked the code. [laughter] You know? But...just, uh,
more and more time, I was starting to see her
pissed, you know. And as we moved into
the summer, the summer got to be July, and we had a big falling out,
and she left in a rental car. I figured that's it,
you know, it's ran its course. And when the phone rang
a couple days later, it was her, and I figured
it was for closure. But it wasn't.
she told me all about how she had downed
a lotta liquor and pills and had to be revived
in a hospital outside of Atlanta. And, uh, she had been dead
and brought back to life. You know,
a lotta guys will bail after the first suicide
attempt. But, uh... I-I had a lotta hope. And, in fact, I think it made
the relationship stronger. And, you know, I don't know if
you've had this experience, maybe you have,
but you meet a girl and it's great
and it's nice. And then you start to notice
some inconsistencies here and there, you know,
things don't quite add up. And then she starts talking
about killing herself. Anybody? [laughter] I mean, it doesn't have to
be a woman, a guy-- [stammering] And all the
suicide talk, you know, she's, like, uh,
she used to say, uh... I remember one time
she told me, "When you get back
from the show, "I'm gonna be dead. I'm gonna be dead
in your hotel room." When someone says that you say,
"Oh, my God, don't do that. "Jesus, that's terrible. Whatever you do,
don't do that," you know? At first. [laughter] And then eventually
she tells me, "I'm gonna be dead
in your hotel room when you get back,"
and you go, "Sounds like
a housekeeping issue." [laughter] "I'll--I'll mention it."
Ha ha. "You know, it would solve
a lotta problems for me, "actually, if you would... go ahead and pull the trigger
on that plan." 'Cause I mean, uh,
you know how it goes. I mean, you know,
the attempted suicide and then the talk about
suicide. Like, I can't give this bitch
a reason to live, you know? And then...
when you finally wanna break up with her,
what happens? Then she wants to tell
your wife everything. Well, I know
we've all been there. But, uh... So my wife left,
and, uh, that was for good. It was more of a formality
than anything. And, uh... then we're together
all the time, Laura and I. You know, she, like I said,
kept everything in a couple of duffle bags, so she threw those
in the trunk of my car and from that point on,
it was kind of a blur. I mean, it was just sex
and hotels and fighting. A lot of fighting, you know,
a lot of suicide talk. You can't stop
the suicide talk. Only one way to do that.
Ha ha, so... [laughter]
But, uh... that didn't occur
and, uh, you know, and--and there was a fake
pregnancy then. She told me she was pregnant. And fortunately, it was
followed by a fake miscarriage. I mean, you have to kind of
take her at her word at some point.
"Oh, you're pregnant?" How do I prove she's not? And so that becomes
your truth, you know, and now you're living in
this insanity, you know? But I came a lot. And...and so that's what
keeps you in, you know what I mean,
is that the sex is so good, you know what I'm saying.
[laughter] That it--it's like the closest
thing to like, uh, evidence of the existence
of God that you've ever seen. And deep down,
we all wanna believe. And she was always
threatening the cops. Even with the suicide talk.
I'd say, "I don't know how to
handle this. "I think I should call
the police, because I think we need help,"
and she'd go, "If you call the police, "I'll tell them you were
hitting me, and you'll go to jail." Said, "Well," you know... "Well played."
[laughter] Like I said, I was very
ill-equipped to deal with the situation.
I remember one time I was in Indiana.
She told me... You know, we were
fighting and everything, and I was trying to get
rid of her. "We have to break up.
This is insanity. I hate this," you know?
I felt imprisoned, you know? She goes, "Oh, really?
I'll go you one better." She goes,
"If you give me $200, you'll never see me again." I had $200 in my hand by the
time she finished the sentence. [laughter] She took the money.
She looked at it, folded it, tucked it into her bra, sat down on the couch,
and read a magazine. You win, you know?
I mean, I... We never spoke of it again. I was like,
"Yet again, you win." So she was drunk one night,
and I took her home. I left her with her mother,
and that was it. I felt so free and alive, and it felt so good
just to be alone again and to not have all her shit
in my trunk. And then, uh, the phone
started to ring, and it rang throughout
December. It would ring 36 times a day,
25 times a day. And I remember
we had a mutual friend who was gonna come and we
were gonna work together in Chattanooga, Tennessee. And, uh...
that's close to Nashville. So I said, "Don't call her. "Don't tell her you're gonna
be around, okay, because she's kind of
stalking me." He's like, "Oh, yeah, yeah,
I've had 'em do that before." I'm like, "It's serious, okay?" Tried to emphasize it. She called me 15 minutes
later and said, uh, "Hey, quit telling people
I'm stalking you, okay?" Said, "You don't know
the meaning of stalk." And, uh... it was January 4, 2004,
and I remember the date because that's the date that
someone tried to murder me. [scattered laughs]
I went to the IHOP, International House
of Pancakes, which... I've had many great
experiences there. Like the food,
good service, you know? So I get out of the car, and I'm walking into
the restaurant and I hear my name.
"Dixon," you know. And I turn around, and, uh,
there she is, you know? So angry.
Grabs me by the arm, you know. She says, "I just wanna talk.
I just wanna talk to you! I just wanna talk to you!"
and I'm like, oh, Christ. So I'm trying to work my way
towards the pancakes. [laughter] We get right up to the door, and she reaches into
her jeans pocket and she pulls out this
9 millimeter Glock-- I later found out
that's what it was. At the time, my brain just
processed it as "Guh!" She goes, "Look, I've got
this 9 millimeter." And I grabbed her wrist
and, uh, I tried to shake the gun
out of her hand, you know, squeeze it out.
And she jumped on my back, and she starts scratching
my face, you know? She's growling like some--
Like an animal, you know, like she's injured
or something. And she's holding on to
my head by my eyes. She's digging into my eyes, trying to squeeze my eyeballs
and everything. And, uh, so I had the gun
in my hand, and I got inside and I
slid it across the floor, and there was
security guards there. At IHOP. [laughter] Pretty, uh, good luck.
And they separated us and, you know, I was outside,
she was inside. And then I heard this banging
on the window, you know? And I turned around,
and it was her. You know, she's like... as if she'd gotten
what she'd wanted, you know? Mission accomplished.
Take that. So I was filling out
a police report a few minutes later,
and a policeman came over. And, uh...
it's a funny thing. He says, "You know"--
And I found out from him that they had told her--
They said, "What did you intend to do with the gun?"
And she said, "I was gonna shoot
that motherfucker, and then shoot myself." [crowd murmurs]
I said, "Oh, she says shit like that all the time." [laughter] [applause] Oh, thanks a lot. <i> - Pat Dixon!</i> [cheers and applause]
OMFG! I laughed the whole way through. It was extra funny as the story got more and more weird to the audience who’s laughter became more nervous than anything. 😅
Disturbingly accurate.
After living through this shit, you can’t help but uncontrollably LAUGH ALONG 😂😂😂