- And I turn back
and I'm not kidding. The deer is up
on its back legs, like a man. It is chasing us like a man. - The baby's coming!
It's coming! <i> [dark electronic music]</i> [grunting] [yells] <i> ♪ </i> [screams] <i> ♪ </i> Ooh.
Hello. <i> ♪ </i> [groaning] [screaming] <i> ♪ </i> <i> [cheers and applause]</i> You know him from his podcast
"Come to Papa," please give it up
for Mr. Tom Papa, everybody. <i> Let him hear it.</i> [cheers and applause] - This is a story about why
you shouldn't smoke pot when you're ten years old. I was ten years old, and I come
from a large Italian family, and I'm one
of 21 grandchildren, and when I was ten
we started having weddings, because the older kids
were older and starting to get married, so we started to go
to these weddings, which, when you're ten,
is a pretty kick-ass party. Up to that point, you're going
to birthday parties and you're just
eating cake and you're pinning a tail
on a donkey, and once you realize
everyone cheats anyway, the luster comes off and you're
like, "It's time to move on," but you've got
a ways to go before some really good parties
come, and then the weddings
started kicking in, and we're like,
"This is good." We're seeing grown-ups,
like, wasted, and people are
falling over, and we're seeing girls
we never saw before. These are good. And we noticed
that the older kids, who we wanted
to hang out with desperately, would all sneak out
of the wedding with Uncle Al. At some point in the wedding,
they'd just kind of sneak away, And we never got asked, and we were bummed out
'cause Uncle Al, his nickname was
"Uncle Al, All the Kids' Pal." And when you're ten
you think it's just 'cause
he's fun to be with, but the older kids were like,
"No, he's really your pal." And we were like, "All right,
well, we--well, we want to go, "like, how do we--
no one's asking us to go. What are they doing? So this wedding came,
and we were like, "All right, we gotta
up our game." So we wore our little
ten-year-old businessman suits, me and my cousin Kenny, and we had
our little Shirley Temples, and we're leaning
against the bar. We had combs in our pockets, we were--we were--
we were working it. And pulling it off. Totally p--
just-- A Shirley Temple in your hand
when you're ten, using the straw. And our cousins, the two older
cousins we really admired, they were looking at us
and they started laughing, and we're like, "Oh,
maybe it's not gonna happen." But then they approached
and they're like, "Hey, you want to go outside
and see Uncle Al?" We're like, "Yeah.
Yeah, we do. Yeah, what do we do?"
They're like, "Just go out front and
we'll meet you out there and we'll take you over
and we'll go see Uncle Al." We're like, "All right, cool."
And they split. And we start walking. And then my aunt comes up
and she's like, "Where are you two going?" We straighten our little ties.
We're like, "Uh, nowhere." She's like, "Stay away
from your Uncle Al. He'll ruin your life." And we're like,
"Now we really want to go." So we walk outside,
and they take us to a car, and Uncle Al is
sitting in the car. And they get in the car and
they don't let us in the car. They roll down the windows
and we lean in with our little ties
hanging down, and they put the window up
to like, catch us, like, we're just stuck
in the car. And Uncle Al has weed out
on his lap on a magazine. I mean, I'm a man now. I am not ten.
I am a man. I have seen weed. I have--I went
to college. I-I used to see Dead shows.
I've seen weed. I'm a man. But to this day I never saw
one person have a bud that was so big
as what Uncle Al had on his lap
at his niece's wedding. And we didn't even know
it was weed. He just started
breaking it up. We thought they were
just gonna, like, smoke a cigarette.
We didn't know. That was badass enough if you
were to just smoke anything. So he rolls it up
and they start smoking it, and we're stuck
in the window. They just start blowing it
in our faces like we're a pet. Like, you ever get a pet high?
And you just blow it in their face,
and they kind of-- We were the pets
in our little suits, and they just--
blowing it on us, and we're getting--
you know, we're not-- we don't know
we're getting high, we're just trying to be cool,
and like, "Okay, guess this is what you do
with Uncle Al." And they're done,
they roll down the window and we kinda fall out
and they come out, And I remember it was windy,
and Uncle Al's bald except for the side hair, and the wind is blowing and
his hair's all out like this, and he just starts going,
"Look at me, I'm Bozo the Clown. I'm Bozo." He just starts
dancing around. And we're like, "This is why
everyone loves Uncle Al, he's a clown." He's amazing. "So, like, all right, well,
you guys can't walk in with us. You guys gotta go
around the back. Be cool." We're like, "All right.
We'll be cool." And they walk in and
we walk around the back, and as soon as we walk
around the back, we're lost, 'cause we're high, and we're ten. We don't even remember there's a wedding
we have to get back to. We're just wandering in our
little businessman attire, and we come around the back,
and there's, like, a golf course there
and there's these little woods. You know, like, little woods
in New Jersey. Probably three trees,
but woods. And there's a deer. There's a deer just sitting
there eating the grass. And if you've ever been high
in nature, you feel, for some reason,
like you're one with nature. Like, there is--
like, it speaks to you, whatever it is,
a rock or an animal, and this deer
just kind of looked at us, and we looked at the deer and
then we looked at each other, and made the decision
of what two ten-year-old kids in Jersey
would decide, which is,
"We've got to catch it." Now, if you're a man and
you're in your business attire, you don't just run
into the woods. Even if it was
something great. If it was a bag of money,
you're like, "Let's change, and then we'll go back
and run into the woods," but when you're ten,
you just start running in your businessman suit. And the deer took off
and went into the woods, we're in the woods,
and we're laughing. Now we're start--you know,
this is the first time ever. Ten? First of all, everything's
funny when you're ten, then get Uncle Al's crazy weed
on top, and now you're chasing a deer
in the jungle. We're just laughing
our asses off. We go running in there,
the deer's, like, running, and I turned to my cousin,
I'm like, "Kenny, "at what point--
like, if we catch it, what do we do with it?" And he just looks at me, like,
crazy, like, in his crazy eyes, he goes,
"We're gonna eat it." That's a disturbing thing
to hear your cousin say. We don't have tools,
we don't have cooking-- we have nothing,
no weapons. His idea is we're just
gonna start biting it like another animal. But I couldn't even focus
on that because I'm looking-- I look over at the deer,
the deer, it's like a New Jersey deer that
just heard what we were saying, and he's stopped now and looking
at us like, "What did you say? You're gonna eat me?" And he takes a step
towards us, and we're, like, laughing
and we take a step back. Then he takes two steps
towards us, and we take
two more steps back. And all of a sudden,
there's, like, that moment where you know
you're under attack. And we just start--
well, we're laughing. Like, remember
when you were a kid, you would be so filled with joy
sometimes with laughter that your legs
physically don't work? Like, that doesn't happen
as an adult. You never laugh so hard
that you can't even-- So picture
two little lawyers. Just--run--
[laughing] So we got--
he's picking up speed. We gotta get outta here,
and-- I'm starting to get
a little further than Kenny, and then I hear Kenny
let out a scream. Like, a high--
like, there's a reason they put ten-year-old boys
in the choir, because they can hit
a volume and a pitch that only angels can hit.
It's a--it's higher than girls. It's a--
[high-pitched scream] So much higher
than I can even do. [high-pitched squeal] In the woods,
and I hear that scream, it's fear and
it's just, like, death and angelic
and I'm laughing, and I turn back,
and I'm not kidding, The deer is
up on its back legs, like a man. It is chasing us
like a man. I come in with my scream. [high-pitched squeal] Our suits,
our little businessman suits, and this thing is
just coming at us. Like, "You're not eating me." We just gotta get
outta the woods. We just gotta get the hell
outta the woods. And we kind of make our way--
it's like, he could have,
like, attacked us, but in his head, like,
if I could read a deer's mind, which when I was that high
I kind of did. He was like, "I'm just gonna
scare these little guys. "These are the smallest
businessmen I've ever seen. "I don't even know
why they're in the woods, "but I'm just gonna do
the back leg thing and get 'em out of here." [high-pitched scream] So we make our way out
of the woods, we're crawling, we're mud-covered, we're crying,
we're not laughing anymore. We're crying.
We're lost. And we see up, "Oh, there's
the windows of the party, of the wedding, and we come up
and we're just, like, so out-- we're--like,
we are wrecked. I don't know what--
I don't-- I don't know I'm high,
but I know this is a weird day. This is a day
I'm gonna remember. I don't know what
they blew in our faces, but I don't want to be
at a wedding, I don't want to be
a businessman. I don't want to hunt deer
with my face. We see Uncle Al,
he's in there in the middle
of all the parents, and he's telling
some animated story and they're all looking
really pissed off. And he's laughing
with his Bozo hair. And we're like,
"We can't"-- we gotta sit down
and catch our breath, and we sit
on these lounge chairs and we're just like,
"We are wrecked." And all of a sudden my aunt,
the same aunt, comes-- I remember the sky was blue,
and then all-- we're just finally
chilling out, it was just peaceful
for a minute, and then her face just came
in the middle of that scene and went,
"What did I tell you? Your uncle's in there
ruining your life." And we never got high again
until, uh, we were 11. Thank you guys so much. <i> [dark electronic music]</i> <i> ♪ </i>
