Sean Flannery - Driving Off a Cliff - This Is Not Happening

and we're just like I'm your host Roy Wood jr. we live in uncertain times sometimes the Wi-Fi is no good sometimes your condom breaks the important thing to remember is that Plan B is [Applause] [Music] a local weekly show in Chicago called The Blackout Diaries please give it up battery everybody so I'm gonna talk to by the time I drove a car off the bridge 70 miles an hour landed on it ravine slit down that ravine onto a separate Highway without stopping it should have been dead this is 70 if there were like a support group for jackasses this would be like my rock-bottom story I was stone sober actually I was just driving in a blizzard for the first time and the way it works and you know you guys live in Los Angeles but in the Midwest when you're driving a blizzard everyone there's no plows or anything like that everybody kind of gets in the slow lane sort of falls each other's tire tracks like real jingle bells style you know everyone's being saved and in the fast lane is just like virgin like undriven snow like nobody's even using the fast lane but like every half hour so some [ __ ] just fly by that it's like spray snow and salt all over everything I was that guy I didn't even look like a car I looked like it looked like Satan threw a snowball out of the bowels of Hell and it's just passing everyone and what do you always say when you're passed by that kind of driver you always say oh yeah [ __ ] I hope he gets in an accident but you always want him to get it you want it you want to see him on the side of the road as you overtake him driving more cautiously so I always wondered what that accident looked like to those other people on 77 North where as I fly by um they go I hope he gets in an accident and then they just speak off a bridge 70 miles an hour and disappear into the sky whoa Jesus Lord I didn't mean for you to erase him I just wanted his rates to go up a little bit we do we go off this bridge we now land we're going down this ravine and I have always had this feature that like no matter what's going on in life like I'm perfectly calm like I never lose my cool and my passengers starts screaming in the backseat like the most ear-splitting scream I've ever heard and I turn to him and I say I've lost control the vehicle [Laughter] lost control of the vehicle that is the most unnecessary update you will ever see how you know [ __ ] Bo Duke I'm pretty sure you didn't mean to make an 80 mile an hour hard right and an 87 Cavalier I'm so calm I just keep looking at them I go how you holding up back there and they go I haven't even looked ahead of me yet they go there's another Highway and that's when I look ahead and I see we are going down we are careening towards another highway also like sort of a important point visually to this story is the previous week Manny Ramirez had hit a grand slam to win a game in the bottom of the ninth where the Cleveland Indians were down three runs and we drunkenly spray-painted chief wahoo on the hood of my vehicle so it really looks like some sort of hillbilly Cleveland General Lee coming down this mountain and I realize that we're gonna hit this highway and I'm braking like like it's not slowing down the car I bring the emergency brake up doesn't even dent the speed yeah I can barely steer the vehicle I realize we're gonna land on another highway and I don't know if there's a protocol or something you're supposed to do in that situation but I was so calm what did I elect to do I put my blinker on like that's gonna make it a valid merge turn it everyone buckle up we're gonna do this one by the numbers here okay gonna live like some [ __ ] and we hit the shoulder and when we hit the shoulder we go airborne and in that instant now we're probably doing like 4050 miles an hour in that instant when we were airborne about to land on another interstate highway I thought we were all gonna die and this is what I will tell you ladies and gentlemen dying unexpectedly is nothing like they tell you in the movies because in the movies they say you see your whole life flashed before your eyes right you see your whole life just in two seconds that is not I've got a lot of close shaves that is not what you think about when you're about to die unexpectedly the only thing you think about is what you're wearing that is it could you think about how your body's gonna be discovered so you're only thinking about your clothes and especially this time because I had just left my job where did I work back then lady footlocker yes I was dressed as a referee about to land on another interstate highway and you think like you think when you're gonna die unexpectedly that your final words on earth are gonna be deep and poignant because you think you're gonna reflect on your life and then sort of summarize the mistakes or the accomplishments like you're thinking final words are going to be something like you know I've always loved you or I've never been to Paris but your final words are actually something like this whistle does not even work and you just another way and we do we hit this highway and I don't know if anyone else here has ever been in that situation where like you've nearly killed 15 people and now you know you're alive but there's like an awkwardness that nobody quite knows how to break so we're now going on 480 West we're going on the wrong Highway and we're just like and I break the awkwardness with this is a quicker route we are gonna swing by the worse the trap [Applause]

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 413,873

Keywords: Sean Flannery, This Is Not Happening, Sean Flannery comedian, Sean Flannery stand up, comedy central, this isn't happening, roy wood jr, storytelling, car, blizzard, sober, Midwest, driving, off a bridge, ravine, accident, bridge, highway, fast lane, death, clothes, Lady Foot Locker, stand up comedy, Comedy Central stand up, stand up comedians, funny stand up comedians, comedians, best stand up comedians

Id: fvXHkPyU0ZY

Length: 7min 30sec (450 seconds)

Published: Wed May 08 2019