I have three young daughters. So I have become a feminist 100%. With a wife and three young daughters, yeah. Of course, I'm going to defend women's rights when I own four of them. (audience laughing) OK, you remembered you're at a comedy show, good. (audience laughing) I can't tell that joke at home. I cannot. (audience laughing) I cannot. When our second child was born, all of our friends gave us the same piece of advice. They said, "you need to treat "both kids exactly the same, "exactly the same." I was like, parents don't do that. You treat that first kid the way you would treat a package that you marked fragile. You treat that next kid kind of how the UPS would treat that package. (audience laughing) Just like, fragile. Yeah, good luck. Throw it. I know. Exactly the same, that's what they said, though. It's like that you can't-- I learned right away too that we couldn't treat them exactly the same. Our first daughter was born in New York City at a hospital on Madison Avenue, and we named her Madison. That's cute. Our next daughter was born at a hospital on Martin Luther King Boulevard. Yeah, not exactly the same. That would be a weird first day of school if I just trotted in there, and the teacher was like, "Who do we have here?" I'm like, Oh, this pale-skinned, redheaded girl? This is Martin Luther King. Chalifoux. (audience laughing) So no, not exactly the same. Parents, all that means is don't have a favorite. Parents have favorites. It just changes constantly. (audience laughing) I just sort of want to post the power rankings every morning so my kids know where they rank. (audience laughing) Like, Madison, she's the oldest. And we had our first baby because we wanted to have a baby, right? We had our second baby because we wanted the first baby to have a sibling. I don't know about you guys, but I think that I would rather find out that I was an accident than a sidekick, right? (audience laughing) But then right before Christmas, we gave Madison one of those toy catalogs so she could circle one or two things that she wanted for Christmas. And she just starts circling entire pages of this catalog. Like, I got to have this whole page, this whole page, both of these pages. Definitely that page. Got to have everything on these. Definitely want this page. So that's what she got for Christmas, just torn out catalog pages (audience laughing) and move down the power rankings. (audience laughing) So then up next, we have little MLK. She's a great kid. I love her. (audience laughing) Cute little toddler. I was reading her a story the other day and in the middle of this story, she just stands up without a word, walks straight to the fridge, pulls Madison's artwork off of it, walks straight to the trash, throws it in, comes back and sits down. And now she's my favorite because that is hilarious. (audience laughing) It's like something struck her little brain while we were reading Clifford. She's like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, "whoa, whoa, this is a puppy. "OK, well then, that is garbage." (audience laughing) But then her kindergarten teacher gave her homework at Thanksgiving, where she had to list three things she was thankful for. Number one was her mom. We all saw that coming, fine. Number two, her siblings in a tie, sure. Number three, the dog. (audience laughing) That is very hurtful because we do not have a dog. (audience laughing) She got halfway through her gratitude list and then just turned into her wish-list right away. (audience laughing) So she gets moved down the power rankings again. So now it's the baby at the top because she is only 1 and 1/2, so what can a baby do, right? All she's done for her first year of life, almost two, is just crawl around the house trying to eat her older sister's toys. That's it. I remember at one point, my wife turned to me. She was like, "How many times "are we going to save "this baby from choking "on something?" I was like, Hopefully, all of them. There are no days off in this game. (audience laughing) The one thing that I don't like about having babies is being in public. Doing the baby voice always feels super awkward. But I think it would be weirder to talk to a baby saying that same stuff but just in your regular voice. It's like, "Who has a little button nose? "You do. "Yes, you do. "Yes, you do. "Who has a little button nose? "I'm going to bite it off." (audience laughing) That's how you get kicked out of the mall right away. (audience laughing) You are gone. I don't know. I was not ready for the first one when we had her. I just wasn't mentally ready to be a parent, I think. We were so excited for it. We planned for it, but I still just wasn't. And you're supposed to know what you're doing. That's the hardest part, right? You're just supposed to know right away. I remember being in the delivery room and the doctor turned to me. He was like, "OK, grab a leg." I was like, Oh, no, I don't actually work here. (audience laughing) I'm her ride home. That's it. (audience laughing) I'm just like a friendly Uber. That's my job. (audience laughing) Then we took the baby back from New York to Ohio to meet my wife's family, and my wife's aunt came running up to me at this party. She started rubbing my chest, which was weird. She was like, "Hi, daddy. "Are you ready to be called that, "daddy?" Not by you. (audience laughing) I will never be ready for that. (audience laughing) I am taking this casserole to go outta here. (audience laughing) People do give you presents when you have kids. That part is cool. Somebody at that party gave us $100, and my wife was like, "Oh, we could "use it to start a college "fund for the kid." But you cannot go to college for $100. So I took the money to the Casino, and now she can go to college for free when she joins the military. So not my finest moment. (audience laughing) Yeah, you're just always supposed to know what you're doing. Here was our problem recently, is we didn't know if we would just send the older kids back to school during the pandemic. We weren't sure if it was safe or whatever. So I called our daughter's pediatrician, and she told me to use my parent gut and then charged me a co-pay for all three kids. I had to pay $75 for her to tell me to believe in myself. I was like parent gut? That can't be what we're using for this. This is like a serious global thing. Like, parent gut? How about we trust the doctor opinion here, somebody that went to doctor school instead of somebody that calls a doctor school? (audience laughing) Also parent gut just sounds like a terrifying thing to rely on, to me, because I remember the first time I ever had to use my parent gut was to buy-- I went out and bought an outfit for our newborn the first time we had a baby. And I went and I picked out something that I thought was a cute onesie for a baby, and it turned out to be cute pajamas for a dog. (audience laughing) Trusted my parent gut and got clothes for the wrong species. (audience laughing) And then even the most recent time I used that parent gut was with that doctor. I took the baby in to see her for a checkup. And when I was there, the nurse asked me my daughter's birth date, and I blanked and couldn't remember it. I said winter. (audience laughing) They don't accept that at the doctor's office. (audience laughing) It's so embarrassing to admit, but I literally had to pull my phone out, scroll through my Instagram to find a picture of me holding her as a newborn. I was like, there it is. Birth certificate right there. Screentime rules. (audience laughing) Parent gut too. That just means she didn't know what to say, right? Like, she's probably on the phone with her doctor friends, and one of them was like, "I don't know. "What are you telling people?" She's like, Well, I told one guy to use his parent gut. "He bought that?" Oh, yeah, three times. He bought that. (audience laughing) And don't get me wrong, parent gut makes sense for a lot of things, most of the upbringing, you know? Like, we were leaving my daughter's soccer game, and there was this boy on the other team who was petting this really big dog. And he was like, "Do you guys want "to pet my dog? "He's going to heaven today." Yeah, that stinks, because my cute, little kid, she was crushed. She was heartbroken by that. We got back to the car. She had tears in her eyes, and she's like, "Daddy, why did "he say that? "What does he mean?" So I had to use my parent gut, and I was honest with her. I was like, "Sweetie, I am so, so "sorry, but this is what happens "when you don't try hard enough "at soccer." (audience laughing) And that kid's going to be so good at soccer. (audience laughing) She is getting a scholarship, 100%.
