Why You Feel Unlovable | Viewer Interview

so do you want me to help you stop crying yeah sure i'm asking it's a genuine question yeah i'm hinted okay um i'll give a second cause now i've got to figure out how i'm gonna do that welcome um thank you sorry i'm really nervous actually yeah most people tend to be nervous we'll we'll we'll get over that don't worry about it bro um so and why don't you start by telling me what do you go by um i'm uh i'm struggling to i i probably don't want to uh reveal my real name on stream just yeah um something like doc okay that's totally fine man yeah that's why i just ask you know i'm not it's just like what do you want me to call you so doc is totally fine so no problem what were you hoping to talk about today or what are we talking about bro um so as as you've already properly titled it's um i do have i would say it's just a very uh i don't know it's a probably just a traumatic experience uh after another it's pretty much my whole life and at least for like the first half of it and then a little bit of like what's been going on recently okay um and to a degree maybe my um obviously i can say for sure but it feels like i have a very uh unnatural reaction to it almost and just the way that i've been dealing with it is it's um i've sort of been troubling i've been sort of troubled with um how do i say that just in general how to even approach others about my own [ __ ] if that makes sense how to approach others about the things that you internally deal with yeah mostly because i tend to be very open about what happens to me okay in a in a way that's not very i would say that outwardly doesn't really seem very emotional um and it's it feels like there's like a disconnect between who i am now and who i was just a few yeah just a few years ago i would say can you tell me who you are now um it feels like now nowadays um i'm kind of living in person almost like it's it feels like i'm basically just uh someone who's watching my own life happening um i don't really have i don't really have like um um i don't know like i don't feel like my life is very important in that like not in a depressed kind of way like not and i'm not saying i feel suicidal as much as i'm saying but it feels like um i don't really i feel like i would rather um help someone else fix their life and fix my own i think that's a good way i think that's a good way to say that so would it be fair to say that you're not you don't feel invested in your own life yeah that's a pretty good way to say that i think okay so you're just kind of like a person yeah go ahead um i would say i'm the type of person who would rather clean up your room than my own if that makes sense so you put others ahead of yourself yeah um and in a way i do believe that that's like the only thing that keeps me happy anymore um like i don't it's rare for me to just be happy on my own or um to feel happy because something happened for me if it makes sense yep um stupid example i made 10k on crypto just like from investments and i didn't feel anything about it i didn't feel anything yeah right um but i never felt anything about it up until i basically started telling people um who are close to me who know that they're going to get some of it and that's when i started getting a little bit happy about it i see so like like the money doesn't mean much to you but like when it can help the people around you yeah it it that's when you start to feel happy yeah and i don't know i just don't feel very goal um goal oriented anymore sure um it's like i guess for the gamers out there i could say it's like uh i went from being an eddie carrie main to you me support okay i don't know exactly what that means but i i can follow the gist of it maybe i became the healer yeah so maybe let me ask you in a different way would you say that like you no longer have main quest and you're just doing side quests yeah exactly actually that's funny so that's kind of how i was describing it to one of my best friends yesterday it's just it's just random side quests yeah exactly and and it sounds like it hasn't always been this way you said that a few years ago maybe it was different yeah um i would say maybe like everything like for five years it's been like this um before that i used to be at least competitive to some extent i was always like sort of the way i am now but now it feels like uh i'm continuing what i've started if that makes sense sure uh before that i felt like there was some drive behind it like i actually tried to be um i don't know i i try to be someone who's got a presence in people's life who was um and just someone who had like his own goals if that makes sense like i was very excited to be independent i was excited to be what i'm trying what i'm still trying to be a teacher that's what i'm going for right now it's what i'm studying for but nowadays it just everything just kind of feels like it's just happening like i close my eyes and five minutes later it's uh i'm a year older and nothing happened if that makes sense yeah um like life is passing you by exactly um i'm not even necessarily sad about it and that's what's scaring me like i feel like yeah i don't know it's kind of like just happening and i don't really feel invested in my own life anymore i'm just invested in for example what my little sister is doing what uh what my friends are doing um to some to some degree and and i'm very yeah just just like a side note i don't really know how to like incorporate it into like how to just bring it up so i'll just say it the way it is um i'm i also have this weird structure but i don't see many people having but maybe some people here do um in a way i feel like i'm a narcissist who also hates himself like nothing else if it makes sense like i'm the person who i hate and love her most in my entire life can you tell me about that sure um for example like about the loving myself part it's something that doesn't really need context i just feel like in general i have a i have an ability to get on people's level very well i think i do have um i mean i mean it does sound like i'm like um like narcissistic but i feel like i have a very good amount of like social intelligence if that makes sense um i think i'm i can't really think of any friend circle i'm in where i'm not at least somewhat of a prominent person okay and it's not because just it's not because i'm someone who's so just who sticks out so much but people just want to know me it's more like i just get to know other people and then they eventually just know know me because of that like yeah and it's just something that i i feel like i have a little bit i have it's like the only thing that i have proud like pride over the fact that i can understand and get along with like pretty much anyone um i have a very uh wide set of friends uh i it goes from like [ __ ] posters on the internet to um people who i've been studying with in my university to also people who are like basically bottom of a society um in terms of like sure like here just from being infamous like they're not bad people and it's just uh it's hard to explain like it's good people in bad positions i would say okay so doc let me ask you a question so what i heard you just described as sort of like an assessment that you're pretty good socially i'm confused about what that has to do with being a narcissist who hates himself um i guess i've been trying to tiptoe around it but i also sometimes feel like um um at least in that type of like intelligence um because i believe there's many types of it if it makes sense uh i think that i'm one of one of the best and the only people who managed to become like my very consistent and best friends are also similar in that regard and i guess to if i wanted to describe it in like a way that seems more logical maybe to people who can't relate or it would be something like sometimes life feels like um it's like watching a movie and everybody else leaves before after like the ads are over and when the movie actually starts people are starting to leave and talking about how good the movie was and i'm the only one like actually me and like some other people obviously but very few people are actually like watching the movie that we were that we came here for if that makes sense okay so so i i'm gonna i'm gonna try to cap so you use the word narcissist but what i'm sort of hearing is like a lot of people in life are plebs [Laughter] and and so is that is that what so having that idea is why you you recogni that's what you describe when you call yourself a narcissist is it that attitude that you're talking yeah sort of like yeah i know that's not like actual on the paper narcissism but it's just like i don't know how to describe it yeah i i get you okay so we can talk about other people being plebs oh okay but not in like a derogatory way i still i can still love a club if it makes it i i i i get you you know you can you can be compassionate and respect the plebs but there's still plebs right yeah pretty much yeah i mean you could be on the challenger league and you can you know pat those silver tear fighters on the head they're still silver right like it's they're not less human than you are they just happen to be silver yeah and it's like i guess but that's a really good example because like it feels like i really am like this challenger player who doesn't really have anything to do with q times are long games aren't fun it's always the same so i'm going down so i'm making a smurf account that helping like a fixed amount of people trying to go up yeah i mean no wonder it sounds like you're living life in the third person it's like but it's also because it's like it really does feel like it's the only thing really that's really fun for me anymore yeah i mean it kind of makes sense so like i know we're kind of going into the law analogies here but if you really think about it like if i'm a challenger lover player playing in like silver let's say silver is a thing in law right because yeah there's yeah yeah so like and if you think about it like how much fun could i have being an adc if i'm a challenger level player playing in silver it's like completely boring if you also kind of think about it what would be more fun would be like a yumi support right where it's like like there's just no point in playing this game if i'm like trying to play but like at least i can get some enjoyment like if you think about it i mean sometimes i'll i'll play with you know dota players who are like very good and whenever they play you know with me like they love playing sport like because it's just it's a waste of everyone's time if they play mid or carry but like with support they can run around and like cheer me on and they have a lot of fun when i do well exactly you know yeah maybe everything in everything in life can be learned from wall maybe that's the takeaway yeah pretty much so but help me understand the hates himself part i i get the i get the arrogance all right that one's um it's a bit more complicated and i think it would make a little bit more sense once uh i've i've told a little bit about like my past but in a way this one's um like a mixed part it's most but i think it's mostly this is just me guessing because honestly this is something that i can't really tell for sure why it is the way it is um but i've had a major glow up in life i used to be very um unattractive inside and outside was a very weird person to be honest it's hard to explain but for a while it felt like um especially like middle school and beginning of high school like there was nothing i could do to make people like me if it makes sense and this is a this is something that i had to combat by uh essentially copying normies let me like to put it like very uh simple it's something that i i just kind of uh started to copy my best friend at the time who was only my friend because he lived in the same house and like he felt like he had to be my friend but he was very popular and he was someone who really helped me out just by telling him just by showing me like how to how to not be the type of person who for example can't understand that everything i like doesn't necessarily have to be something that everyone likes and i think that's what it was because uh because of my like perception that everything that i like must be something that's uh so high up in quality that everyone would like it even if i even if i have no clue what it is um but i grew to be a very annoying person which then was also paired with um what i at first actually thought was probably racist because i lived in a village where like i lived in a small town small village where people were not actually like no one knew really like really knew people who had my type of complexion i would say um which later then turned out not to be true because it was actually just rumors about my mom that led to that kind of situation uh because people were telling their children not to play with me at first and it just devolved into more and more not hate but like dislike i was very cringe wait people were telling that like people were their parents but their parents were telling their kids not to talk to me um just like when i was in like elementary school too and just these are the same people i was with in elementary school were always in my class up until like beginning of high school and this type of like not bullying but just excluding made me feel like there's nothing about me that's interesting enough to ever make like any meaningful connections uh aside from my family which even there was it was really hard um can you tell me and it's just really oh yeah can you tell me a little bit about your family sure that's like that's an entire thing to unpack um so do you want me to just go in chronological order just tell me to tell you about what my money's like right now okay so i can just talk about my family life i think um i have i was brought up by my single mother at first um because my biological father who i hope isn't watching um he he basically bailed the moment that i was born or ever yeah that's pretty much it i was an anchor baby why do you hope that he's not watching because i it's hard to explain at first i thought i hated him because that's just like but that's like basically indoctrination from my mom because she didn't like him and she just kept telling me to but i wasn't supposed to like him nowadays it's more like i actually really do dislike him just for the fact that he basically left me out and just left me um but at the same time it's more like the fact that that i know what type of person he is he's someone who um which is this is not an ambition of guilt just in case uh he's someone who i've heard he's uh deals drugs in a major city in germany right now or might be dead by by all but i know i don't know um and he was someone who's never contacted me and contacted me ever in my life other than when he actually needed something from me for example he um just to put things in perspective my mother was german this probably also answered a few questions about my accent but also my biological father he was uh moroccan and he used me or my mom rather to make an anchor baby and just come to germany um using that i see and yeah trying to live the high life right and um yeah he was uh this is just the type of person he is he did that he did similar things a lot like uh when i turned 18 um apparently he was like just about to be thrown out of germany i don't know why he had he was about to have his papers taken so suddenly he started texting me again and asking he was playing up a big game he was telling me how i was his only son that mattered he has a lot of sons by the way but i'm the only one that matters and um he really wanted to connect with me again and he misses me and that kept on for like weeks and how did you honestly i didn't buy it i didn't buy it i was just annoyed to be honest because at that point i was just like i don't really want to know him now because as much as blood can can be thicker than water in that one instance i just thought it's been 18 years this dude's just a stranger to me now like he can't be my father no matter what he does he's he's always just going to be a stranger the same way that any stepfather would be that makes sense because i don't know him and um yeah so when when that all went down i was just kind of annoyed that my mom was for some reason also trying to enable it even though she herself was like the reason i disliked him at first and didn't try to seek him out so she was trying to patch things up between y'all uh i think she was just receiving money from him to be honest um as i said before he may or may not have been dealing in drugs and have made has probably made a lot of money under the table and he used that to like try to get to me um sent me a lot of gifts uh asked me what i wanted to have stuff like that when we actually met up in real life which happened like a few weeks after albert trying to get in contact he gave me like a [ __ ] ton of money just just in my hand right just and you really thought it was going to work and i guess it did for what he wanted to achieve because the same day that i met him for the first time in 18 years so it's also the day that he dragged me to the town hall and made me tell some people in the bureau that uh he i invented i'm his son and i actually need him still and because i did that that's why he never got like shoved off to another country so that's like the only reason you really tried to like um engage with me again right and after that yeah and after that i never really got to hear from him again like at first i think because he felt a little bit bad about it but it was noted noticeably less and after a while he stopped texting me all together again and uh yeah that's the type of person he was um and in the meantime since he was not my only father figure this is the wrong word to call it i didn't really have father figures aside from like my grandpa who was very he loved me very much but in a way that someone would love his dog if that makes sense like he didn't love me for who i was but just the fact that i was if that makes sense like he showered me in gifts and stuff but it's not really something that you could call raising someone i love him very much like it's not something that i would hold against him i don't i don't just don't think that he knows any other way to like care for people yes so if i can just try to understand that so it sounds like your grandfather loved you the way that a grandfather loves a grandson as opposed to loving you for being you exactly um but i do believe that like i have a very special player placed on his heart and he doesn't have a special place in my heart too like but maybe he doesn't really know who you are exactly it's more yeah it's more like he doesn't know how to find out who i am or who anyone is for that matter he's he's sort of he's just the type of person who's just really old-fashioned and superficial um like he likes people who do what he says basically that's a that's a good way to call it yeah um so he's he um but i'm basically um now talking back like going going back to my mom she was a single mom obviously and um she however was someone who um despite being over 40 like at the end of her lifespan she was very i would say energetic and she behaved like someone who was still like in in puberty she was like always 16 at height ever since i've known her seriously and um that's something that can be charming but can also be very exhausting especially when you're a kid that feels like you have to basically educate your own mom on stuff if that makes sense i always felt like i was repaired um maybe some people can relate i i bet some people can um can you give me an example of of what that looked like um complete naivete and just complete naivete like she was someone who had lots of husbands in her in her lifetime i would say always the same type of person and she just would never learn from her mistakes in that regard um same type of person my father was someone who just used her for like just to like get to germany basically or for any other man like any other means to just get some sort of um benefit out of you and also for a relationship we would all marry her for paying for a visa for money stuff like that um weirdly enough always people from the same family as my father almost always that's very weird thank you son um it really was weird like uh you see even like i'm my real name it's actually the name of my biological father's brother so that's like the type of person i'm not the type of family but i'm that i used to live and it was really weird and basically they were all in my opinion very bad people which is also i don't want them to see this but they probably won't they can't speak english um yeah but um this all kind of so can you tell us all kind of let you yeah oh sorry go ahead i was just led to like a childhood where i had like a very a very inconsistent concept of what home is if that makes sense um i used to live with my mother for don't be like eight years stuff like that um and at some point um i think at that point i had two different stepfathers already one of them was like neutral the other one was really bad really i i like i get to see them fight every single day luckily not nothing physical but it was just something that i've seen every single day and at some point in life she also figured that she wants to live like she wants to live her own life she doesn't really want to live for her children that makes sense so she shoved me off to my grandparents which is also why i'm saying that my grandpa really um was like the only father figure that i had for a while because um i was raised there like with my grandparents for like half my life at least and now i'm here again grandpa is still upstairs um yeah and at some point like after being with my grandparents for a while but that was something that i could call my like my actual home but one day um that's when i like around the time that my little sister got gotten around to maybe six years old that's when um the child protective services are some no actually no um just basically just uh the town in general just came up to my mom and asked her whether i'm still living with her or not and they figured that i wasn't so we basically threatened her that if i wasn't coming back to uh to her place they would cut the um picture what's it called like just we in germany we get money for having children basically sure yeah um i don't know what it's called sorry but um yeah but since you didn't want to miss out on that money which she didn't give to my grandparents either like she was just kind of living off of that um she figured that i'd have to come back and after that things were really awkward to be honest because like i've been i've been living somewhere else for six years i didn't really trust in my mom uh i was 12 13 something when you came back yeah okay so you spent like 6 to 12 with your grandparents exactly um and when i came back it was just extremely awkward because i i didn't i didn't really connect well with my sister yet and like she was just a stranger to me to be honest at that point but your sister was staying with your mom yeah exactly because my mom always wished for like my mom always wished for a daughter so that was like that's like the main reason she stayed with her because like my big brother was also chef to my grandparents at some point and um yeah um when i was there things just immediately went kind of hayward haywire again because uh as i said before she had a lot of like i had a lot of stepfathers and none of them were good except for the last one to some degree but i'm gonna get to that um it's always been like i was always afraid that they like they were bad people to such an extent that i was scared that they would touch my little sister when i'm not around sort of like that's how bad they were sometimes um you talk it says not many people wanted you yeah they didn't and i can't even fault them which is also like this plays also into like my um self-hatred two way because i feel like in a way i've just messed that up and i'm still that person i'm still someone who people don't want and now i'm playing this character or it's not even a character because like i don't think i'm acting like in a way that's like fixed but rather uh depending on who i'm in front of it's just like a matter of role taking if that makes sense like i i'll be the mirror that reflects someone the best way possible or i try to be at least like i want people to just be comfortable around me and so i'll act accordingly sounds like you're a chameleon yeah pretty much um but i i think i have like a few car like a few car um things about my personality that don't change um but mostly yeah that's what i am a crypto savant exactly um no but uh yeah people really didn't want me back then um especially like any like anything outside of a realm of like my grandfather a grand grandparent's house that's everything that's everything that didn't want me uh school teachers my my own mother uh my my real my real father stuff like that they all didn't really want me around um not necessarily oh sure um this is actually like a mixed product i said background because like i had many teachers who were very nice to me but the thing is i think it's probably a natural thing in people to always like have the worst stuff that happened to you more in mind than the rest um and for every uh i don't know if every five teachers were very good to me there was one teacher who would bully me in front of a tire in front of a class at some point that was even um the school rector that was like the worst time of my life in a way because that person made me um fail fail class like i actually had to repeat one class even though i had a really good like i had a really i had really good results at the end of at the end of the semester thing was that she just gave me an f and one course in the germany it's like this if you have an f and you're like final results when you just don't get to um progress to the next class why didn't you get failed do you know um and ironically because she didn't like me and uh stuff like that happened with her all the time to the point where she actually got like demoted like she's not in that school anymore it's like she's been in the papers for her and that was really just me being unlucky like she didn't really have a reason to dislike me she was just the type of person who would like single someone just be so that sounds like it was just bad luck yeah pretty much because like it's really weird because like three years after that i got into the same class again and she had it and she ended up having a headphone on someone completely different and that time i i got i got off from scottsdale nothing happened interesting okay yeah but um so i had a few teachers oh go ahead sorry please i had a few teachers who would very deliberately um make me do things that they knew the entire class would make fun of me for um especially like uh just i don't know like it goes from like simple stuff like asking me stuff that they knew i wouldn't i wasn't gonna know to literally bringing up like my entire like family relations uh in front of a whole class just to make fun of it sort of like it was really weird what would they say it was um for example i had like a really bad fight with my mom at the time and he'd just bring it up and asked me how i couldn't have how i could be disappointing to someone who and then he mentioned something that my mom was very famous for um in relation to like me having a lot of stepfathers that brings like a lot of infamy with it right okay so yeah not like he was not a very nice person and that guy's like i don't know that guy is like still in my brain i don't think that's ever gonna leave for some reason it's just like it felt really unfair at the time because i felt like i really i had no chance to even if i was a normal person if that makes sense i don't think i would have made friends at the time um but yeah when that when you say that person is still in your brain that sounds awful and also what what space do they occupy in their mind in your mind in what way are they still in your brain i think there's like an entire half of my psyche that's like dedicated to like in weirdly enough uh it's like the most dramatic thing for me even though on paper there's much worse stuff that's i'm still going to tell you but the bullying uh it just made me feel like there really was nothing and no one who would ever really gonna who's ever really gonna love me for who i am instead of just what i am which is for example a grandson if that makes but um it's like till this day now i'm very popular where i live um and still when i walk around somewhere i feel like when people are laughing i i always feel like it's probably something about me because people used to make fun of like the most mundane things about me the way i drink water the way i walk like stuff like that and that just makes you feel like there's really nothing that you can do that feels normal all right and now it's like this half of my brain that i know isn't real anymore like it's i often call i like to call it um logic against behind like my heart's telling me this like people are still um people still feel this way about me but my brain knows it's not that way sure sure i'm noticing you you laugh a lot yeah it's because uh i am like i'm starting to realize now that i'm probably at the point where i've been telling like a lot of stuff that's really bad and i'm not showing the emotional um i don't know like i don't i feel like i'm not showing like an emotional response that's fitting if that makes sense and also it's something that i just someone just said coping humor in uh in the chat which is no reading twitch sorry i'm really sorry no reading chat quiet okay i once just asked yeah i got it forward now but um basically uh for me it's something that this is going to sound weird i have an uncle who's very very very like he's suffering a lot from bpd and he's one of her only like people i know who are like very genuinely kind and nice but he's got a really bad problem which is he alien alienates people all the time by basically talking about his tragedies in a way that makes people feel like they have to say something to it like they have to console him and i think in my opinion um people who have that sort of negative energy around them like all the time like if it's really very consistent um people have a problem with actually connecting to that person anymore like they don't really want to be around that person anymore and i like to be recycled type of person who's comfortable to be around and so i don't like to have and so i don't even if i were to still feel like overly emotional i feel like i would still try to mask that because i want people to feel like i'm just telling them a story and they don't really have to like pat my back and be like oh i'm so sorry for you because i know it's gonna make them feel bad too like it's because especially because of the things that i do tell people i think it's something that most people just don't know how to respond to yeah at all so what i'm hearing is that so i'm hearing that you have an uncle who manipulates people into being compassionate and caring very true yes and you will be damned if you manipulate people into doing the same thing exactly it's just uh for him it's like his saving grace is that he himself is as caring and as compassionate as he wants everest to be like he's he's at least doing that like back to people and he's very much like if he loves someone he would do anything for them sure but he's very egocentric i would say in the way that uh um i'm probably front running like what i'm about to tell but i was gonna eventually tell you about how my mom was murdered and uh i had to like i watched it i was there for it and my uncle uh somehow had this idea in mind that he had it worse than me for example which i feel like if he had told that to anyone else they would have probably snapped at him i wasn't really angry because i know what's going on in his mind but like i can i can see how this sort of behavior can probably piss off a lot of people if that makes sense and he's alienated like all of his real life friends just from doing that but yeah it's like i try to be the type of person who if i do decide to tell someone stuff i don't want them to feel like they have to react in a certain in some specific way they don't have to tell me anything if i'm telling it i want it to be like i'm just telling an interesting story okay sad but interesting i'm confused about how to react to you sharing that your mother was murdered um yeah it's uh it's i think that's everyone that's part of it um it for me it's very like a conflicting thing because as you can probably as you've probably picked up my especially like my early lifetime with her not a very good experience um not necessarily horrible but also not very good and i always felt like i wasn't really like an important part of her life especially during that time um but as i said before she had a lot of like she she married a lot um and people really did think that she was just someone who's very easy to have um to say very and then to put it in like the most positive life but i can however um she really was in love with her people that she married she was just really um she was just really unfortunate in the way she picked people and um so they would always like end up breaking up with her before she even like was ready for it herself and it gave her something that i don't know it changed her in the to a degree where she was extremely jealous um in the most unlike i don't know it was really unhealthy to see even to see and to witness but i wouldn't want to i wouldn't want to have been like her married partner even if even if she i was someone who wasn't her because she was like very i don't know she was so jealous but it really felt like there was nothing you could do to please her and when my last stepfather came around that person was a very nice man in my opinion he was a very nice man at first for example she he was someone that actually was completely outside of the um how do you say that completely like outside of what she usually looked for in men very complete like a very different man actually like someone who's integrated into society someone who works alone like someone who wanted to work instead of just sitting and sit and sit at home and drink and talk to underage people on chatterbait or whatever whatever chad roulette i think and just someone who felt like he was a normal person like someone that as weird as business to say um that was like around the time where i actually had friends and meeting other families was like complete whiplash for me seeing how other families uh like even even by while having in mind that these people are probably trying to like play it up and be nicer now that i'm around now that i'm busy and visiting these people were nice to a degree but i've never known um it was such a weird experience to see like a normal functioning family and it was so distant from what my family wasn't in my opinion aside from like maybe what my grandparents were but when that person came around it felt like this guy was gonna um bring that sort of feeling that i had when i was at my friend's like in my at my friend's house right to visit it felt like he was going to bring that to us but she did actually like he actually did that um he had something about him but i'm i'm listening uh what did he bring i think you're about to say it okay yeah um he he just brought something that i would call common sense um he was someone who actually wanted to be like a presence in my life in my sister's life he wanted to be someone like he was someone who actually loved my mother instead of just trying to abuse her for something um and i think that and i think that confused my mom because she was so like adjusted to people being the worst to her right and so because this person was so different she started being voiced to him um not at first but like at some point it went to a degree where for example she um she would go to work and he usually came home before she did because he went out earlier too and he had put on some weight he wanted to lose weight so he just went out and drove his butt like rode his bike so he came home later than she did and her immediate reaction to that when he came home was who were you with who did you cheat on me with right very extreme reaction she would take his phone and uh demand that she knows that she gets to know all his passwords he gets to read all of his facebook messages and stuff and then she told her at some point even started like throwing his phone around and having like extreme temper tantrums where he wouldn't even understand what she's saying anymore which was very sad because she had like made so much progress at that point in to like in a direction where i would call her like an actual mom instead of just the person i call mom if that makes sense um she was still someone who i felt i had to educate and care for in a way but it at least felt like she loved me and very like she actually like now like loved and um appreciated me in a way a mother would have some instead of just someone who's like living with me and this was around the time that she was dating the the good stepfather or married to okay yeah this is good so even though she was kind of sorry just to clarify even though she was kind of um maybe being not so nice to him it sounded like she was more genuinely caring for you and not for her too like she was she was very much in love with her like to a point with i would say this is his love for her was probably um the thing that seared like my family's uh entire fate in a way because the thing is if you treat someone who hates you badly he's just gonna want to distance himself from you right but if you treat someone badly who loves you a person's just gonna be confused and not know what to do and some people can deal with that sort of pressure in a way that doesn't end in homicide and some people can't i would say and this person after two years of having been the best father figure that i have had up until that point apparently i don't know really what happened i don't even know if it really happened but my mom claimed that he um like punched her and punched the lights out almost like um i heard him screaming i went i immediately came running and what i saw was her on the ground crying she was mad in the floor uh just looking at me like just like no what did i do right i talked to her and she said but yeah and he had punched him a few times but to be honest her story didn't completely check out i feel like she actually lied about it in a way because like his story which was that he shoved her aside and um everybody shoved her side very hard and that she and that he accidentally like pushed her against the um door frame uh like seeing the wounds that she had that was much more likely than him actually punching her full password three times in the face like that didn't really check out but nevertheless i was mad um my big brother was really mad and we threw him out not in the nicest way possible either but i eventually started feeling bad for my king and i came after him and i helped him at least find a hotel to stay in and at the time i was working at the same place as my mom we had a small casino just eight slot machines now it's nothing big but it was ours we were um we were working in it up until like eight and one am every day and one time like like a week after that happened um i would occasionally bring him food stuff like that so he would like even then live comfortably because for some reason i just knew they were going to get back together um and he ended up visiting me in in that casino while i was working and just smelled like a smell of alcohol smelled of puke really puffy uh eyes and he was talking to me about how horrible he felt how this is like the worst time of his life because he's separated from her because he doesn't know what to do he feels like and he even told me at that point that sometimes she can be like the nicest and sweetest woman to him and sometimes she's just so insane to her and to him that he doesn't know what to do and he asked me for a hug i gave it to him he connected and i figured i would i was going to help him to get back with my get back with my mom again which i did i believe myself to be someone who's very good at reaching like any sort of goal as long as it um as long as it contains making someone do something even if it's at least something that they have at least somewhat in mind like i think it's not really i don't know if it's something that i couldn't call manipulative but something along those lines they have to give you a side quest and you can make sure it gets done exactly exactly if i know if i can feel that there's like even if it's a secret quest if i can feel it i can do it sort of but it's that's what it feels like but yeah i did that and from four months it went really well again and then basically like a complete repeat of everything but i said before happened again and um yeah so we threw him out again and this time and this is something that i missed to tell you um before that he actually told us that next time he was gonna get thrown out like once he came back in he said that in a very not in a cryptic or mad way he said that very matter-of-factly like we didn't even think anything about it he said that um we were going to regret it and my mom immediately asked him what are you going to go back to portugal because that's where he was from um and he was like yeah you'll see and that felt like that's what he meant right and so this time we threw him out again because it happened basically the exact same thing happened again um except this time he also like tried to push my sister or something i wasn't there for it and because of that like we eventually checked out like on her mom's bank account like her shared bank account with bad guy and we really realized i can't talk sorry we realized that um 500 euros we're missing it's like i think about 600 something like that um and we figured he really did just get a ticket back to portugal or something like that well he visited me again at work this time at like night time much more [ __ ] up than the last time very puffy eyes again small smooth smoke like [ __ ] to be honest and one time he and like he we were just talking about [ __ ] and not even about my mom just talking about stuff because i felt like this was the last time we were gonna talk which was right um and he again asked me to hug him and he was talking about how he feels like this is again the worst time of his life but also there's nothing he can do about it right like he felt like there was nothing to do and i told him yeah i don't think you and mom are ever going to work out it was like yeah but things are going to be better soon and the next day i was in bed my mom was late it was late at work she just came home i heard her garage going um just closed down so i figured she was gonna come in soon and suddenly i heard basically the loudest sound of my that i've ever heard in my life it's felt like an explosion right next to me and it happened again and again so like three times and i then looked outside of a window and i saw my mom laying on the ground and my stepfather or at least a silhouette with a gun in hand and yeah i panicked called the police the father and at that point i actually fought or even knew like in my mind i knew i was gonna die next i felt like this is this person that's gonna come up here and he's gonna kill me and he's gonna kill my sister and this is like my last moment in life that sort of feeling is something that i probably will never shake i it's hard to explain it's something it feels like that sort of adrenaline makes you feel like someone else is controlling your body and you're only watching and it's like i don't know it's like automotive but yeah um and i thought was even more like that's part sounded even more convincing to me the moment i heard another shot and i didn't even bother to try to look outside of the window this time because i was scared to see and to see what it was or to see someone actually come in so out of panic i just called the police and i took a wine bottle still stood next to the door and thought that if someone's going to come in maybe i can try to overwhelm them if not i'll die i die anyways maybe i can save my sister who knows but no one ever came no police and that guy didn't either so at some point after like probably 15 minutes of waiting or maybe free who knows i was very i was in a very very weird mindset i actually looked outside of the window and i saw another person laying down on the ground same person with a gun yeah and like an hour later police came and that's where how my family got torn apart to a point where nothing feels but now it does again that it felt like life was never going to be normal again and it i think it's just something to before i finish this story sort of it just felt almost ironic that the moment that life feels it feels like it's starting to get better in regards to like my family life the moment that my um me and my mom get back together in a way where it's where it actually feels like family that's when life also takes her from me was kind of ironic i guess that's quite the story doc yeah it's hard to tell people sometimes because it feels like i don't know i feel like it's actually so much that people often oftentimes don't believe me unless they actually live around me and know it happened it does sound unbelievable in a lot of ways yeah i know and to those who doesn't sound unbelievable too it sounds like something they can't really respond to usually when i'm at a loss for words it's because there are too many things to say i'm sorry no it's okay how does it feel to share that um it's something that i can't really explain to be honest because um i'm as i said before i'm very open about like i don't know it's hard to say it's i've i'm very open about stuff that happens to me i tell people all the time and it feels like i'm making it real again in a way because like sometimes i feel like my brain is trying to not forget it but make it seem like it happened 20 years ago when it was only three years ago and when i tell it i feel like it's it's still real it's something that really didn't even um i don't know it's something that happened not too long ago but i overcame it if that makes sense like i think i think but in a way at least i probably overcame it as well as i possibly could without any help that makes sense because there were times where i didn't want to live anymore that's especially like the first um first week after it happened second week ironically i was already working again because like i felt like if i were to go back into like a normal everyday life um i wasn't gonna forget it but i was at least gonna get used to the change if that makes sense because like that basically uploaded like my entire life like nothing's the same um yeah you have more to say no no it's fine can i think for a second you may i love it thank you hmm i feel like this conversation has ten main quests in it they all feel really important to me okay i'm gonna start listing them out all right actually let's start with this what how how are you feeling right now doc still nervous um a little bit more comfortable than before but other than that i don't really feel much to be honest is your is your mind telling you that we think something about you now um i can't imagine that there's people especially like in i don't know i can imagine that there's people who now have listened to that who believe this is not true um because that's like a that's that's a reaction i get a lot um there's probably a lot of people who think i'm weird for reacting to it the way i do and maybe a lot of people are also relating to at least part of what i just said because i think uh i don't know i think that for a lot of people especially like people who maybe were outcasts or even outcasts like in middle and high school or even just people who are gamers um i think there's at least something that they will probably relate to in that what do you think i think no clue okay good i'm happy to hear that um because that means i don't have to dispel anything and we can just get into it so i have a very good opinion about you well let's it sounds like disappointing you will be easy then um so yeah i it's yeah anyway you don't have to we can i'm sure we can hit that tennis ball across the court several times back and forth yeah um so uh let me just let me just kind of toss out i'm gonna just think out loud okay okay so we started off the conversation and you kind of mentioned that you had had traumatic experiences but that you basically like the main thing that that i heard originally was that you're kind of living life in the third person and that the only time that you kind of get excited is the only time that you can really feel happiness or joy is like when you're helping someone else out um and and you know also like so we sort of kind of notice that you sort of feel like separated from your life you're not invested in your own life um but you can be invested in others and then you sort of mention this thing about um you know like you're a narcissist who hates himself and what as we kind of dug into that we sort of recognize that you know you do actually think about other people as plebs and as weird as that sounds i don't think that that's actually arrogant i i i think that i think you can accurately assess that you've sort of developed like a high level of social intelligence and you kind of know how to interact with people you know how to make yourself likeable and that sometimes people are not like aware of those levels of interaction right which sort of makes sense it's kind of like you know you can be a master chef and taste lots of things whereas like you know the majority of people may just want their attendees and like they don't really care about you know like which is which is fine like it's like that's how humans are like some of us are master chefs and some of us are fine with attendees you know some of us are like socially like very aware of nuance and such and and other people are just sort of like i'm gonna be a pleb and oh my god did you see this pair of shoes on instagram i want it and and you know like yeah and that's fine right like yeah i wish i was like that that's that's the thing like i don't think i i don't think lesser of him i just feel like yeah i wish i would still like that if that makes sense and and some people are challenger level at league and some people are silver right like that's it's okay for people to be good at things and other people to not be good at things um and you know you mentioned hate yourself um and this is where i think we can really start to see a couple of themes which you know if you've been watching the stream for a while i'm sure people can piece this together you reading twitch chat by the way no okay good actually not so so i i you know you you said one thing that struck me as odd is that there was a friend of yours who was living with you and he felt like he had to be your friend because he was living with you can you help me understand that statement oh it's just the apartment complex he was living underneath like in the apartment underneath me why does why does he have to be with why does he have to because he he just was that type of person he wasn't he's extremely extroverted um that person is like an entire thing to unpack too because he was uh that he was my latest in my late step problems like the guy who did that he was when he was his um nephew so it's a yeah that's like a tangled tangled story but but what i'm curious about is is why couldn't he like you for being you uh because he told me he wouldn't have liked me if i hadn't lived in the same department in the same apartment complex he was very uh he was just someone who was very extroverted and he just knowing that someone just someone his age is in the same like house as he is he just he just felt like he was he had to do do stuff with me because he just always needs someone around and that was like the perfect scenario for him so he in a way shaped me into someone he would like if that makes sense because i was a very i was a very nerdy person um because as one might as one might tell since i didn't have any friends internet was my friend and it still is to his day to a degree because that's why i feel most comfortable even like i'm not shy i have a lot of friends nowadays i have a lot of people to hang out with i just oftentimes feel like i do want to stay alone either way yeah so doc i may start interrupting you a little bit okay that's fine completely fine um so so and so this is i think like a was not the answer i was expecting um in terms of you know why you felt that way but but i i'm really seeing a big theme here which is that you know you're not worth liking right so yeah so so and we'll and i can see you swallowed there so that's good so there's probably some kind of emotion so right then it can hurt to hear it but like let's just kind of like run through the the evidence of that right so i and i think that and this is where we have to get really tricky because i think you are worth liking but i think that it's very reasonable for you to believe that you are not worth liking because like honestly the evidence kind of points in that direction right and i think it just happens to be bad karma for lack of a better term but to start off with you were an anchor child right your dad like basically the reason that you were conceived was out of a uh a sociopathic desire to stay in a country and for material gain yeah and to have an absent father who tells you that he likes you i mean you're not really buying it but then you also get like very clear evidence right and this is not one of those things where i mean sometimes we we deal with situations of cognitive bias or distortion where that's what i thought we would see with your friend which was like oh you know maybe you just didn't realize because you felt unlovable but he actually was your friend because he liked you but it turns out maybe that's not the case and that if anything what he taught you is that you're not worth liking but if we can doll you up and make you pretty and make you likeable if i can turn you into something that you're not then i can like you yeah pretty much and and so yeah go ahead i was just gonna say that um uh in like regards to the uh cognitive dissonance that you've mentioned before i get that and i still for me it's i think it's a little bit different than for most people um because i have this sort of thing where it feels like i got two thought processes at the same time when talking to people where it's like the logic that's like the logical part of my brain that knows no this person probably really does like me and i'm very confident in that assessment then there's also the other part of my brain that's like yeah but do you remember back then you did you never really know if people actually like you or is it this is just a facade because we either don't want to be mean or because we're trying to like bait you into being like uh funnily stupid again sort of yeah good so i'm glad that you recognize that because i do think it's different from the cog i think it's quite different so for some people what happened so let's just illustrate this for a second for some people what happens is that their heart ends up controlling their mind and so even though the mind should logically see that this person likes you the heart convinces them otherwise and they take someone who actually likes you and distort it into what the heart actually believes in your sense i don't think that you have that cognitive distortion or cognitive bias yeah it's more like my heart is trying to give me that but it's not working that much yeah yeah yeah i just feel a general form of like discomfort yeah that's like at most that's it absolutely and i think if we want to be really honest about it like i think that there's a good reason it's not that your heart is actually illogical i think it's actually quite logical right because if we really look at your life what we see is you know dad you know like abandonment and all that good stuff and then also like oh son you're the only son that matters to me pro tip if you have a parent who has lots of children and tells you that you're the only one that dot dot dot or just in general makes me hate it more just in general like like i see this a lot with like narcissistic kind of i mean we i think the word gets tossed around a lot so there's just a particular kind of person who will say you're the only one yeah right so that kind of idealization that's something you should be careful like even when it comes to dr k they're like dr k is the only one no i'm i'm really not you know no it's like um that's i i wouldn't say that either like i just um uh this is gonna probably this is probably something you've heard a lot before um i came to know you because of your first interview with reckful and reckful was someone that i at that point in time um related to a lot um weirdly enough because i feel like he has very he had very different problems to me and still i felt like he was someone that i could relate to very well and when i found out that he was like talking to a therapist on online and i checked it out and i felt like this is someone who actually sort of um can like look behind that curtain that people have put up and and at least in my like this is gonna sound weird to say but i feel like people who are primarily on the internet aren't easily understood by most therapists in the same way that they are by you and by you for some reason yeah so there's a simple reason for that and it's that therapists look at patients and what therapists should do is look at people yeah right and and i mean that you know i think the more person that you see the easier it's going to be to relate and if we really look at you know byron i think one of the things that made him special was that he was really good at like being himself and being very authentic which is why it's interesting because we do hear that a lot of people like really connected with byron and i think that's because like he showed off all the facets of his being so you didn't get a curtain you got a person like yeah it felt like um in a way it felt like just hanging out with a friend when you watched him yeah that's probably what most people felt like and so just kind of going back to kind of themes of of you know being unlovable which is just what i'm going to call it right so there's your dad there's this friend who sort of shaped you into a person who's worthy of being friends with um and then also like people like kids in your neighborhood explicitly being told to not hang out with you yeah um because of just rumors about my mom going around yeah also just me being like the only colored person in the village that's what i thought was the case um the way i was trying to make it easy for myself i think yeah just a standard case of racism yeah but i i tried to make it about that because i feel like if it's not then i can't do anything about it it's not my fault and it's fine exactly but it turned out to not be that which means what um first of all i needed to change and second of all people knew about my mom too much yeah so it's kind of interesting right because when you say you need to change like if you attribute their dislike of you to racism like that's not your fault yeah but if it's not racism then it's sort of like kind of your not necessarily it's that it's your fault because i still get the sense that you're pretty level-headed about that but that it like you really are there's something wrong with you let's put it that way yeah um i was just very i was just the annoying kid at school basically like uh but it's also i think it was kind of a result of just not having any friends in my age range ever up until like up until i like turned [Music] 14 with my friend that lived in the same apartment complex and then 16 when i basically started with a new slate in a new class that was really welcoming and nice yeah so i'm just going to kind of go back to unlovable okay i'm just going to lay out a couple other things so one is like you know being told that you know being sent off to your grandparents place and then your mom telling you that they always wanted a daughter i'm gonna keep this kid but this kid i'm gonna send off like that's gotta hurt it did to a degree but i was luckily young enough to not really like think about it too much my grandpa did a really good job of like making me feel like i was at home but it was still it was still on my mind yeah yeah yeah so so and this is where i kind of get you know back to this idea of like you know what's it like to never be wanted it it i think it's something that i say that at some point it just makes you feel like i don't know you just ask yourself all the time what's wrong with me um what did i do wrong why are people like always snapping at me why no i can't uh it just felt like why can't i have why can't i have anything nice unless it's literally just a i don't know a ps2 game or something that i got on christmas right um yeah just it felt like uh i must have messed up somewhere and there's no way for me to get out of it on my own because i just don't know what to change or i didn't know um at some point i just figured i would uh see like i had like a few people who were at least neutral towards me and i just tried to like hang on to those people and be as um i don't know i tried to be uh almost like them and it just weirdly worked out doc i mean this may sound kind of weird like i don't know how to find the words but like i can imagine that the person that on some level you feel you are has a main quest that isn't even worth pursuing yeah pretty much right like why would we want to bother with this guy's main quest like this guy's main quest isn't even worth it like there are like other people who are like normal and like them doing their side quests is like more important than our main quest you know i'm kind of i'm kind of almost imagining these rpgs where you know sometimes like in rpgs you've got good characters and bad characters and there's the side content that you can do to develop a character and some characters just aren't worth developing yeah so you just leave the side quest is just sitting in the quest log but they're not really worth using like their stats are low so like why bother yeah pretty much um so i just went back to character creation basically yeah well said right and you reinvented yourself yeah and i don't know is this gonna sound weird but i feel like in a way everything that happened in my life at least to some degree made me who i am because uh i don't know how else to say it but i feel like i've been in almost like every single position that someone of my age could be in um in the way that i've been someone who was extremely unpopular bullied um i know what it's like to to have parents i don't i don't i know what it's like to be an orphan now um i i know what it's like not to be loved by your parents but i also know what it's like to get pay attention uh mostly because my grandparents but also just with last two years of my mom still uh i don't know it's just like the last three years of living with my mom we're actually pretty nice which is why it's so which is why it still hurt to lose her so much like it's hard to explain but all these things uh it's obviously a lot more to it it just came together to make me feel like i can empathize and simplify with almost everyone to a degree where i became popular not because of um okay okay okay so two things sorry you gotta find so one thing is that feels like i don't know what else to call it but a main quest yoink you know i don't know if you played one of these games where you're like you know you're like at the end of the main quest and then you get like disconnected and you have to start over at the beginning it's like like you know just when you were putting your life together and like you had a stepfather in the picture who like actually treated you nicely yeah and your mom was also like being more loving towards you and then he murders her and kills himself like what is the point of progressing on a main quest that ends like that i don't know taking care of my sister that's not the best question right so i understand that's what you do and that's probably why how you get through suicidal feelings which makes sense and i think that's good what are you feeling now um i think this is um probably the first time in one and a half years but i feel like crying about it i don't know it's um i don't really like as i told you before i talk about this in a way where as if i was talking and telling someone a story so i don't force people to like go in depth about it so now it's tickling your spot that hasn't i don't know so it's kind of strange because like literally on the screen you're like sneaking away you've moved like further and for no no i think it's fine i think it's just like it's interesting right because like you're not like as the conversation goes you're like sneaking which is fine i i don't i don't i think you should be allowed to retreat but it you know and and i think like how you know how does it feel to be tickling that spot again so it's hard to explain um it feels like um as i said before it's like it's like um i'm making it real again i don't i feel like at least people who go through trauma can kind of relate to this in the way that sometimes there's really bad things that happen feel like suddenly that 20 years back in the past even though it's really happened like way like not even that long ago and i don't know i feel like i've never really gotten to talk about it with someone in a way where i could actually um be sad about it if that makes sense since i was always um kind of like the full support pillar for my family at least mentally um i play some sort of a favaro for my sister my grandma basically needs me to yeah um it's like i don't know it's it feels weird to actually be at a spot where i'm the one like being in focus about it and in a way where i don't have to feel like whatever i'm saying should not be should not like go over some sort of limit to a point where someone dislikes me good so that segues to my next question what do we think about you now i've honestly no clue [Music] i don't know i from experience i would say there's probably still a lot of people who either don't believe it and even worse there's probably a lot of people who um who relate to it too much which for most people i do feel bad for um i hope no one can but it's unlikely yeah is it okay if we if we see you yeah um can i tell you what i see i see a survivor [Laughter] i think that's what you are and there's like there's respect there but there's also sorrow like a lot right because we can respect a survivor but it's also like there's only one way that you can become a survivor which is by surviving [ __ ] and you can be likable i mean that's cool like i think it's neat that you leveled up your you know learning how to talk to other normies skill yeah next i tried to mix up my character yeah right so like you're as much as i can you're like an alien in human clothing like that's neat and all but i i think at the end of the day doc like seriously what i see is like a survivor yeah i don't know i always felt like um at first that's what i felt like too but um over time i just started out so like i don't know i wasn't going to bring this up because this is like actually something that me i don't know this is also like part of why i don't like myself but i feel like i i don't know um i was too close to my stepfather so now i'm like in this weird limbo where um i hate him or more than anything like he it's this is gonna sound weird i'm even more pissed about the fact he also killed himself because it basically took like my like the only thing that i could be mad at if that makes sense and afterwards i also started to think about how this person who had such a bad thing in mind also i also managed to have the audacity almost to like come up to my into my workplace and ask me for a hug just the night before he was gonna do something like that it's uh i don't know it's like this weird conflict and a conflict in my heart where it's like this person was basically like my the first father figure i had and also the worst person would ever come come across from me if it's ever come across to me i guess it's like yeah i think you explained it really well i'd be really surprised if someone didn't understand that and can i tell you what i heard yeah that you know on the one hand it sounds like he was the first stable father figure who like cared about you as a person and also that he is so selfish right for so many reasons like it's not just like you said there are just so many elements to it where like you know coming in and asking you for a hug like he gets the comfort right like he gets to determine he gets to like plan things out and in a sense be at peace like he's figured his plan out i'm gonna say goodbye i'm gonna get a hug because i care about this kid and then i'm gonna do this thing and i'm not gonna stick around for the responsibility yeah so that's pretty much what it felt like he even left a note um before he did it since he knew he was gonna kill himself and uh in that note he was basically just talking straight [ __ ] about my sister about my mom about my brother but completely left me out like nowhere nothing and it just feels weird to um sorry the first time in like years almost when i'm crying almost crying but it feels like how do you say that it feels weird to be the best friend of your mom's murder i guess it's yeah i i get the sense that there are a lot lotta really do you feel responsible sorry do you want me to help you stop crying yeah sure i'm asking it's a genuine question yeah i'm hinted okay um i'll give you a second cause now i gotta figure out how i'm gonna do that worked good job i was like oh [ __ ] he said yes i wasn't expecting that doc this is the part where you say no this feels good i'm i'm feeling so good no like i need to cry like a television it's like no he said yes what do i do i'm sorry he's supposed he's supposed to feel free and it's supposed to be good he's supposed to be able to handle it yeah it was good but it's what everyone goes for i am quick [Music] [Laughter] no i mean it's it's fine yeah i felt like if i was gonna say no that was gonna be weird yeah and i just wanna have to like watching me cry for five minutes so yeah yeah no i mean i'm totally fine watching you cry i you know it's you know that's that's cool that's what we come here to do a little bit if it's like if it makes if it takes things into like a different perspective it's also rare that i genuinely have so that's like the first for two things now yeah yeah yeah well i i did get the sense that that was a not quite as a defensive of a laugh no yeah that was that was genuine yeah it was a funny reaction um so doc i feel like there's a lot to say but i also feel like um maybe it should be said at another time in another place like i think it's important to process what we talked about i'd like to still talk about one or two things if that's okay with you but i just kind of want to check in with you about you know where's your stamina bar right now okay um do you want me do you want me to answer that directly or say is that like in regards to maybe a sort of aspect of my life no i mean like like for this conversation like where are you oh like in terms of so uh actually i'm still full it's like i can still go on okay okay so so uh in my experience when we have something like this which is sort of like uh you know a good cry followed by a genuine laugh like that's what healing sort of can look like sometimes but it's also like we should give ourselves the time and space to kind of process and decompress from that a little bit i want to share i think a couple of um almost like more practical thoughts and questions for you um the first is i'd like to explain a little bit about um you know your experience of living in the third person and share some terms and and concepts and things like that i'm also really curious about what your romantic relationships are like oh that's all so i guess that's gonna be you know so so i'm i'm kind of curious about that uh um give me just one second and you know just like because i i can imagine that a lot of what we're talking about will you know make romantic it'll complicate your experience of a romantic relationship i'm surprised that that's something you um uh that's the conclusion you could draw out of her because it's true um anyway i just didn't think that that's something that's like correlating but yeah it's very true um because i don't do would you like me to answer it right now or i i mean so so i you know i am curious about it i think that i imagine we could spend another you know hour and a half talking just about that um so i'd love to hear a little bit but yeah so i mean please yeah i i mean i can like sort of put it shortly but um i've had a lot of relationships like in my life in general after like turning into a normal to like to to put it like that and um it for me it's rarely been the case that i was actually genuinely genuinely romantically invested to be honest it's more like people would um come up to me uh i would like i would talk to them and eventually it would just like the topic of romans would come up and for me it was just like a matter of saying yes to someone because i didn't want to see them cry and i didn't dislike them enough to not feel like i could have that sort of relationship with them if that makes sense but i never really have i guess infatuation like i don't really have any sort of feelings of infatuation fortunately for anyone um and it usually just led to relationships but for me felt like just a friendship plus almost but like you know obviously i wouldn't like i wasn't gonna like trample my feelings i wasn't gonna do like i wasn't gonna cheat on them or anything that's not it but more like i just felt like i was almost like yeah not not invested romantically um i still i still enjoyed their company i still like them and loved them as friends almost like [Music] yeah and but that changed at some point when i met someone who's nowadays my best friend ima like ever it's like unimaginable how compatible we are if you're watching hi um but this person is it's it feels like having a mental twin almost and this person is um someone who actually wasn't let's just say they actually don't um look for the gender that i am they actually look for women but um still worked out for some reason because we were just so almost i guess excited about the fact that there's someone who is that compatible with us if that makes sense and at some point it just uh uh we just figured we would try it out worked for a few months but eventually yeah no it's like this is it's weird since um like just our sexual orientations weren't um working they're like working in time i might say yeah but we're still best friends and yeah so someone like the most important person in my life i would say um yeah so in every but ever since then i've tried to see if i can have that sort of feeling for anyone else which i can't it's um it just won't work it happened for some reason and it's uh but also um i've remembered some this is gonna be um this is gonna be a bit depressing again uh i've remembered some stuff in my life that happened which i apparently managed to lock away which somehow led me to just be almost completely unable to um i say that i don't really feel like any sort of like sexual attraction to people anymore in general um and it feels like nowadays back then i used to be with a lot of women just um because like with a lot of women who were also like with a lot of men i'm not i didn't like break any heights but i was very uh active in that regards because i felt like if i'm with someone if i'm uh if i get intimate with someone then i feel like i'm still desirable almost that's kind of like i think that was like subconsciously going on in my mind but eventually that um it didn't feel like that anymore it just feels like it's uncomfortable for me now and i don't really get like romantically close to anyone anymore yeah okay thanks for sharing that i thought that was a great summary so i think it makes sense for a lack of a better term um and and here's so here's here's kind of like the main so i think there's a lot to talk about so you know i'll make a recommendation now and later in more detail that i think i don't know if you ever seen a mental health treatment provider like a therapist yeah um like right after that uh like right after my mom died um we were assigned to someone who was very kind uh fair but i don't know she was a therapist but it also felt like just talking to a friend to be honest like nothing really it there's not really anything that came out of it so a lot of times when we you know when people come on here i'll say you know you should consider working with our coaches or work with a therapist in your case i'd say you should definitely work with a therapist so yeah i was gonna sign up for a coach at first but i figured probably that's too much i mean like i think i think coaching is i'm sure that coaching will you'll do well in coaching but i i think for what i'm about to explain i i think um therapy is definitely like worthwhile now so i just want to be clear so i'm not sure that you know you have an illness or anything i'm not diagnosing you with anything but like what what it really is huh i've been diagnosed with ptsd but somehow i don't feel like i it's weird to say it's like unless uh this feeling of like completely numbed out emotions is part of it i don't really see it all that much it is part of it okay so we're gonna explain that in a second but but i'm not i'm not surprised anyone is gonna diagnose you with ptsd just to be safe given your story because there's no way that some that this stuff happens to you and you don't wind up with ptsd at the same time i i don't know that there's really like a clinical like you know there are a lot of questions that when we diagnose with someone with ptsd like you have nightmares flashbacks things like that but i think that like this is definitely so here's what i'm i'm hearing from you doc is that your life and your experiences have shaped the way that you interact with life yeah right so so and the biggest thing is like so this is like now a psychological term so i get some degree of i think probably depersonalization so with trauma our our brains can do two things they can it create a situation of derealization or depersonalization so dear really derealization is the feeling that the world that you're existing in does not feel real you are real but the world becomes fake so it's like i feel like i'm living in a video game the other thing that people experience is sort of the opposite which i think you're more depersonalization which is that i'm like i feel like i'm not actually living my life but i'm watching a character who's like playing a video game take the actions of my life so i am not real i would i think i would even like describe it as me being the person who's playing the character like uh it's free to explain but like it feels like i'm remote controlling myself absolutely so did i say the word controller or was i just thinking anyway so so what i'll like anyway so so the other way that i kind of think about it is like you know i do get the sense that you are controlling yourself living life right like the doc is playing the character of whatever your real name is who is existing you know presumably in germany in 2021 so that sounds to me like depersonalization and that's actually a feature of trauma and if we really look at it like why does this happen it's because when we have these very traumatic experiences our mind kind of unplugs from the reality of it and and and so in some cases like these these periods will be like very very like acute and temporary so people will have like periods of derealization where it's almost like they're like you know on psilocybin or lsd or something where they like kind of feel like completely disconnected and it's like a trippy kind of surreal sometimes scary experience sometimes they'll also be associated with like amnesia episodes where like people will have a fugue state where you wake up in a different place like 30 hours later and you have no memory of it so our brain has yeah it can be weird but like our brain has all these mechanisms to essentially like unplug from traumatic situations because they hurt and it's been really interesting because the first thing that you said is that you know i feel like i'm living life in the third person and then just now when we kind of when you cried for you know some amount of time and it's been a while you said like you try to avoid it because it feels real and i'm making it real again when i think about it so i think it's good to make it real in a way like it's hard to explain yeah so so we'll talk so so that's the thing right so i want you to just pay attention to like the language that i'm sending back at you life feels like not realish right like i'm living it in the third person like there's no point in the maid quest it's all about the side quests it's about the periphery it's not about like my life third person autopilot side character side quests you are the npc in other people's lives instead of being the pc right like you're like yeah like it's kind of weird like even when it comes to your romantic relationships and stuff like that you are the person that they have to date before they find the one they love you're like the npc in their story it's not your story they're attracted to you they're infatuated with you they approach you so you're like you're you know it's kind of weird i got i got a really good um this is something that i talked about with my old therapist once uh where she was asking me since i told her since i also told her that i felt like some sort of superiority almost over people um like just from like a cognitive point not actually feeling like i'm better as like i'm a better person or yeah worth more just but i can do more sometimes um uh and she asked me if i felt like a king i said uh and i replied and i think the best like the best summary of what i feel like is what i said i'd rather be the um i know i'd rather be the person telling the king what to do rather than the actual king that makes sense like sure i want to be an advisor yeah it feels more comfortable yeah so that's the role of the npc right it's like you're not yeah so so i i think that there's there's just a very it feels to me like there's a very simple connection between making it real again and like living your main quest because i think what you've managed to do is like put your main quest on pause like on purpose and for survival because it's just too much man like there's just too much right there's like all the low value stuff from early on like not like and that would have been enough man that's enough to get you on stream that's enough to talk about and then you toss in yeah go ahead uh sorry i just wanted to say that this is like one of the weirdest things to tell people but like i i do believe that to some extent at least um what happened like the stuff that was continuously happening in my childhood and like up until the point where people stopped bullying me and by like started getting actually like popular that stuff probably sticks more to my head than anything else it's uh as weird as it sounds no so i don't think that sounds weird at all like so you can i mean you even told us that it can be a confusing observation that your teacher bullying you feels more traumatic than you know i feel weird even saying this but your stepfather killing your mom and then committing suicide and and yet i encourage everyone to just notice that if we want to be good scientists we need to let our observations shape our hypotheses instead of letting our hypotheses shape our observations right and if that's what your experience is so much of like our so much of the reason that we get the okay sorry what are you feeling oh for me it's just um i don't know how to explain it it's i think it's just like the nature of it being so such a continuous thing and it's not even just about like teachers bullying me i could have dealt with that it's the fact that everyone joined in and that feeling of like there's nothing desirable about me and that's something that is really hard to check even now i often feel like i can actually see a lot of people relating to this when friends call me up and ask me to come out oftentimes i'd say no even though i know i would have more fun going out with them than i would have staying in just because i don't want to feel that i don't want to feel uncomfortable in the way that i feel like when i'm outside i'm exposing myself to the change just the chance that i might do something that might make people look bad at me like might make people look at me in a way that's just um like i'm weird against everything like that even though i know it's not going to happen it's just something that always stays in my mind yeah absolutely right because and the reason it stays in your mind is because it was put into your mind over and over and over and over and over and over again this is where when we get to your sort of like asexuality and inability to be infatuated with people because i i think that like this is where you know this is a little bit more bread and butter like you have to really think a little bit about if you cared about someone and if you were in love how would it so you have that colonel like you have that core of unlovableness right like everyone dog piling on and as long as that exists i don't think you will let yourself fall in love with anyone because i think so too i i'd have to be very very comfortable with that person yeah and and that's where like so it seems that when you get your you know your your twin your mental clone like that you can actually start to have those sorts of feelings but i i think it's sort of like like because it's just too much of a risk right it's gonna hurt like it's fine for teachers and other randos to bully you like it's fine for your friends you don't don't really know who you are to like not invite you somewhere totally fine but if you let yourself love someone and they respond to you in the way that many people have in which you're terrified of happening like that's going to be too much yeah because and the weird thing is it's not even like the um it's gonna sound bad i think uh it's not even like about me being afraid to lose someone that i know as much as i'm afraid to lose that slight grip on reality but i have but maybe i is something lovable above you that makes sense exactly so that's so you're absolutely because because right now there's still a question mark right in your mind there's still a question mark that maybe i am lovable but if ever you love and that person finds you unlovable then it's like it's going to be the final nail in the coffin yeah which which makes perfect i mean it's not true but it makes perfect sense does that make sense like do you understand the difference there yeah okay so and this is why i think this is really like therapy level stuff so so like like when you when you have someone who has been through as much as you have i think it takes really like a good therapist to help you start the process of like making life real again because i don't think it's like it's not like a malfunction it's a survival mechanism right so you've de-personalized you've like withdrawn from life because life like hurts way too much yeah pretty much and this is where you can also get into other kinds of things like like you know maybe the reason that the teacher's bullying you hurts more is because you'll let yourself get closer to that whereas like when it comes to your mom you really have to do your level best because the guilt and stuff especially we don't even touched on that but like that you know so like all those things doc i think at the end of the day like i think you are a good person i'm not just saying that because i'm dr k like i think like genuinely like you seem like a good dude right and i'm not trying to pity you but like i think i get to a little bit right i don't like you because i pity you but i think like you gotta let me pity you somewhat and i i can like you as a person independent of the pity i hope you can see that like i i can see you as being a good dude i mean you're dank you made some money on crypto you're busting out the lull analogies and maybe that's you being a chameleon for me you know but i i don't just listen to it but it's also yeah i mean a little bit but this is also like part of my core personality just uh i like making these metaphors that are easy to so so like i can like you for those reasons and have compassion and pity because it sounds like boy have you been through a lot i guess that's like the sort of thing that prevents me from telling people because i don't want them to think that i'm just saying it for attention because that's like because you saw an uncle do that and you know what that you know what manipulating people in the compassion looks like and you don't want to do that which makes sense yeah so so you know just the last thing that i'd leave you with doc is like there's this principle from from indian philosophy called advaith vedanta which i think is a very useful way to overcome conflicting emotions and what advice vedanta says is that essentially like dualism or conflict is like an artificial construction of the mind and that reality just has like one quality so like if we think about you know is this a good glass of water or a bad glass of water like neither it's just a good glass of water whether it's good or bad has to do with the constructions that my mind puts on top of it and so i'd say your road forward involves probably some combination of like therapy to start out second thing is you have to learn how to love again yeah and then third thing on a really spiritual level and i think this is your main quest because i think that some of these qualities that you describe about the plebs and like your level of awareness actually speaks to me of a certain spiritual iq right like it's not even necessarily emotional i think it even extends kind of beyond that and then i think your real happiness is going to be when when you can sit and this is also kind of involved in in treatment for ppd for example like when you have all of these conflicting emotions that like both of them can coexist and be real and ultimately like even beyond that you don't even have a head or a heart that's actually an artificial construction and what you are is like just something that's even formless but that takes time and you know you can do that long term i guess to a degree formless that's something but i don't really do feel but i guess in a more negative sort of way yeah so so for yeah so so that that form like so even formless is like not advice because formless and form is actually like two opposites right so there's there's a there's a way to even transcend that axis and not feel formless or feel form but just to feel i feel period not anything on the other end and i know it's kind of getting kind of weird and abstract there but like just for you to kind of exist and and as as you understand advice then you do particular kinds of meditation practices you know like this sort of idea that like it clearly isn't your fault what happened to your mom and you feel responsible so those two things can feel conflicting and you can work on transcending both of those yeah that's going to be hard it's going to be helpful that's step three end of the main quest my dude step one is seriously you should see a therapist man like and it's just like you you deserve some help in the process of putting yourself back together which i i think it's clear you're a survivor and like you've managed amazingly well with you know a lot of bad rng i mean i i mean i'd also like for this session i've been only talking about like bad stuff in my life but i i think something that really helped me cope with enough is just like the exact opposite of what's plagued me in my uh earlier just because nowadays i'm very um sort of popular where i live um people um there's a lot of people who i can trust um at least like my brain knows i can trust them like they're just metaphorically speaking again my heart will never do but it's like um or it will always tell me that i shouldn't but i know that i can i love these people to death um and they've been really good at keeping me company over like my worst time of it of course um as i said again um so it's a funny story actually i met these people like most of them of my nowadays best friends like at all i met them in um my time working in my casino [Music] they used to be like in a school next to mine we were just like very very very like far acquaintances i'd say like we didn't really know which other world but we knew each other's names that's it we just started talking i just turned out that they were the type of people who are like extremely compatible with the person that i am when i'm at my most comfortable if that makes sense because they are the type to if they have a problem with you they'll just straight up tell you they don't have any like they don't really talk about anyone behind their backs but they just make fun of you right in front of your face and then we'll also make sure that you know it's okay though like they make fun of you but we're trying to make you laugh with them i love these people today and they helped me a lot with um what was going on back then and also stupid thing to say about this just as a server on discover also there's a few people who really helped me just by being who they are um they know they're probably watching too um oh sorry was that me or you okay need something i don't know anyway i'm sure if it's yeah um sorry but it sounds like you've had a lot of really important people who have helped you through hard times both in person and on discord yeah and to a degree um taking care of my sister also really um in a way gave me a goal that i i don't know previously didn't think i had just something to do basically to yeah and um it felt really nice to like see her grow up to be like a really well adjusted and nice person and i often like to say that she's like who i would be if i didn't have any problems at all like not uh i didn't have any problems but if i didn't have any like behavioral behavior and problems if that makes sense she's um i know she's got strength i got weaknesses basically she's i'm very proud of her for that it's been but it just feels good to like that's why i said before what would she say about you um i'm pretty sure i could just ask her right now but i'm pretty sure that she would probably say um she she's often said like even in front of her friends but i'm more of a father than her brother and um she's also like told me occasionally i'm her best friend and it's just i don't know it feels nice to like know that there's really some people who deem me as important i guess yeah i would imagine you're very important to her now we have a good cry is this a good cry or a bad cry yeah i i was hoping you couldn't see how it was i was hoping the camera quality wasn't good enough for that but this is a good cry i guess something that i already knew but just kind of proved to myself again just by talking about it that makes sense but yeah this is a good cry yeah good well i think doc thank you very much for coming on it requires balls of steel my friend it's been it's been very rewarding yeah i i'm just glad you um i'm glad you let me it's really nice talking to you seriously yeah you're you're very welcome man i'm i really am glad you came on and and you know give your sister a hug for me i would all right take care man thank you so much you too ah damn chat all right so i know we normally meditate this time but i am um dude i cannot teach meditation right now

Channel: HealthyGamerGG

Views: 229,786

Rating: 4.9797316 out of 5

Keywords: mental health, drk, dr kanojia, healthygamergg, healthy gamer gg, twitch, psychiatrist

Id: voSPXSxBkZ8

Length: 114min 3sec (6843 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 17 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/Relevant_Version]

This hit hard. Both for the story and because I have that some “unloveable” root deep in my psyche. When Dr. K talked about depersonalization, it made me realize that so much of what I thought was detachment that I cultivated in my unstable childhood, was just depersonalization for survival. Now I’m stuck in this in between where nothing feels real and yet everything still feels threatening/dangerous. How do we get from depersonalization as a trauma response to healthy detachment?

[u/Blackowell]

I am glad viewer interviews are back. This one was really helpful.

[u/coscorrodrift]

Great video. The intro doesn't do it justice. I am grateful for it not being one of the crude moments both because it doesn't "spoil" anything, and also because it would feel kinda rude to start right of the bat with something like that but from a marketing POV I do feel like if it punched you with one of those anecdotes (if you can call them that) maybe a stat somewhere would go up (watchtime/retention/sth like that).

Holy shit, what a crazy life story.

Even though shit was crazy it didn't make me emotional per se, I mean it was tough but I was reacting like Dr K, more with surprise and such than legit tearing up, until they both started tearing up and then laughing, that was very intense and I did shed a couple tears before laughing with them hahahaha

But the part that hit me the most was Dr K's intervention at like 1:41:00, that shit did make me cry, even more than that part from before (in part because I laughed before, but also because this shit hit hard and kinda out of the blue). Because of the context, I felt doubly bad, bad because of the feeling, and bad for feeling like that even though I haven't been through shit compared to this guy. Seems weird that I'd have these same issues that someone who's not had a dad and whose mum kinda gave him away to his grandparents, it makes me feel ungrateful, makes me feel like I'm not giving my parents credit for what they did and only blaming them for what they did wrong while trying their best. Because I can't really recall anything like bullying or extreme instances of feeling left out and shit like that at school or with friends. But even still , I found that part highly relatable, that core of "unlovableness" part and "not letting myself fall in love". It feels like me, but with me being so broken that I can't even get it right, and I just fall in love anyways, and beat myself over and over because I am unable to confess that I am. It's like fear of rejection and fear of not-rejection and fear that the fear of not-rejection is actually just more fear of rejection on top of it, kinda like a shell trying to cover up the reasons for which i know i'll be rejected by saying "yea im scared that she'll say yes, because I would still fuck shit up"

[u/Justmyoponionman]

You're doing great work Dr. K.

Keep it up.