Old explained by an idiot

welcome to Old that starts with female corer bran who's married to a guy called guy I wish I was making that name up but I'm not they have two kids together an 11-year-old daughter named madx and a six-year-old boy called Trent they're on their way to a beach resort and after some not so subtle foreshadowing they arrive and This Ginger Hotel manager dude reachs them then this super viny blonde hoe gives them special drinks that are tailored to their liking from their preferences they get settled in their room then go to the beach and tent makes friends with the hotel manager's nephew whose name is idlib they're being dumbass children on the beach annoying every human being there asking them what their occupation is what their name is then at night guy and brisket have a mentioning how this is going to be their last vacation as a family before they break up because of a unknown at least to us illness that brisket has and the kids over here some of this fight and get a nice healthy dose of childhood trauma tent then goes to decipher a message that his new friend ID Li wrote for him in a secret language they made up then we cut to right after Sunrise somewhere on a beach nearby where a woman is getting naked hell yeah and a black dude is watching her go for a swim come back to the resort with another family in the morning that consists of this Instagram [ __ ] that has a Calcium deficiency and a child with this Doctor Who's a schizophrenic or has some sort of mental illness that's intermittent and what have the start of it he also bought his and their dog along then this unrelated woman called Patricia has a seizure her husband Jared with an N says this is a normal thing she has a condition blah blah blah he's the type of guy by the way that would get really mad if someone misspelled his name on a Starbucks cup and people like that are [ __ ] like you're not that important no one cares about you relax anyway right before that the resort manager went over to the O'Brien's table to tell them that they have a special secret beach with cool rocks that no one knows about and he tells them the classic sales line of no one knows about this but I'm telling you because I like you tells them that he'll arrange special transport just for them if they want to go and it'll be their little secret they agree to go and he heard off to take his nephew far away from these people now as you know I'm as dumb as they come but the trailer the poster even the name of this movie spoils the fact that they're going to the beach and makes them old there's no surprise about that but you can at least make [ __ ] subtle Mr ight [ __ ] because this kid idlib is obviously going to have something to do with them finding a way to get out or helping them in some sort of way any who they get on to the bus to the noxo secret Beach because Dinger dude told skitso Calcium deficiency family the same lie and they're coming with them to the same Beach and the man the myth the Sham himself is driving him over to it he takes him over there nearby and hands him a bunch of food and supplies for the beach like towels and chairs and [ __ ] tells them to follow the path walk through the Rock Canyon and they'll be right on the beach they walk through skito doctor sets up his umbrella sees the black guy then he's like actually I'm pretty racist let's go over there then his [ __ ] wife starts taking pictures for the Graham guy and brisket are [ __ ] to each other then madx is like oh my god dad that's famous rapper midsize sedan what what the [ __ ] dude I promise I'm not making this up that's his actual name in the movie he tells her to leave Mr sedan alone to relax on his vacation the kids build a towel house explore a cave play around and eat a lot they find some old toys and Rusty utensils from other people who are on the speech before them then while tento playing hide-and-seek a dead body floats up over to him he runs back to his family and it turns out to be the blonde [ __ ] from earlier that went swimming out naked as identified by sub compact SUV he comes over like oh D why is this so funny man am I stupid all right whatever [ __ ] that guy in a stupid naming they think he has something to do with it he says he has nothing to do with it and he starts bleeding from his nose and everybody questions that Skittle doctor especially doesn't trust him at all they can't get any cell reception on their phones then jiren and his occasionally vibrating wife come in through the Rock Canyon they got the same offer from the hotel guy what if they say no to the offer and just decide to stay in the rooms or chill in the resort do they get kidnapped by Hotel people and then brought over here using a robot so the hotel people don't age and get trapped there I say trapped there because they are see they tell Jared there a dead body and he decides to go back through the canyon to get to the entrance find a road and get some T reception or something like that he tries to go back through the canyon but as soon as he does that he gets a super massive headache comes back to the beach and passes out with no recollection of what happened inside there then the kids see some shiny thing on a mountain top far away and think that they're being watched but they do not ever on any moment in this movie tell the grown s about this which is especially crazy because if you think about it kids especially at this age don't shut the [ __ ] up and tell you pretty much everything and these kids definitely seem like the yapping type but it happens I guess whatever they then start growing out of the clothes a bit then Grandma dies and skito doctor thinks that she died of shock from the other dead body brisket who went over to contact the doct cuz she thinks her kids are having allergic reaction to something goes back to her kids and finds out that they have grown up a bit her son now looks like an aood Survivor and her daughter is [ __ ] jailbait I am not sure if she is of age yet mom is surprised as hell dad comes over also surpris as hell mid sedan freaks out and turns into large Exotic super and tries to make a run for and run through the Rock Canyon the dog sees that and runs after him they both get in there get a massive headache walk back black out and remember nothing of it just like jiren brisket thinks the kids are sick or are reacting to something and wants to get out of here as fast as possible so they all pair up and go off to find a different way through different paths in the canyon to hopefully find a way out but they all pass out again and come back without any memory of that the doctor whose mental condition is worsening sort of like he went to the beach that makes you [ __ ] instead pulls out a knife and slashes small Japanese K truck's face and then he's like I'm sorry I didn't know why I did that then the cut immediately heals and they all freak out a little bit he tells them that didn't kill the Blondo they just bonded over the fact that they're both sick and came to the beach together agent dude figures out that in every group there's one sick person so that might have something to do with something and the doctor checks out his daughter and says this she's definitely aged I put her biological age somewhere between 12 and 13 and she turned six 2 weeks ago on Tuesday then his dog dies brisket tells her daughter to go dress up in one of her bikinis because uh she's going out of this one way too fast asan dude holds a meeting asking if anybody wants to swim out and give it a shot to get out that way no one volunteers and according to my calculations and what the doctor said madx was 11 and she probably was 11 and something because no one is just 11 if his daughter grew up to be 6 7 years older so let's say 6.5 and a significant amount of time has passed since he said that sentence you know she got dressed dog died blah blah blah that means that Maddox is definitely of age and we can start hitting on the smoking hot babe with a clear conscience hell yeah regular size economy hatchback probably just cracked the same code I did and goes off in this super useless scene to talk to Maddox on a small walk and probably try and hit on her but because she sort of still has a kids mentality doesn't really work also come on dude she was like a kid a few hours ago have some decorum what yeah I know I'm a hypocrite but at least I'm a passive Observer anyway Patricia is a therapist so she gathers everybody around and is like everyone needs to have a voice here we can't make constructive decisions if we don't feel safe together bruh she's right but bruh what the [ __ ] do you have to make it sound like that like you're getting into a children's share circle sounds so vegan and cringe I'm being a mean again whatever she's right moving on the share circle does not really get anywhere cuz it gets interrupted by brisket feeling a bit off and passing out they see a bulge in her stomach and the guy tells them that she has a tumor and it's supposed to be B but it starts growing Rapido as they speak so they send off Trent and whatever the [ __ ] the doctor's daughter's name is Becky probably send them both off to go play while they decide to open her up and cut the tumor out of her the doctor disinfects with some alcohol but remember he's on the beach that makes him [ __ ] so he's like w man Jack Nicholson dude yo yo Focus surgery time oh yeah he cuts her open but the cut heels up and Clos up too quick so he opens her up again this time they'll stick their hands in there to keep her open there's definitely still sand on their hands at least cuz the doctor's the only one that disinfected his which means that they're getting a [ __ ] ton of sand inside of her and probably also a bunch of bacteria and their or whatever that was already on their hands which cannot be good anyway they cut a [ __ ] cantaloup size tumor out of her take their hands out the wound close up real fast and she heals up real fast too it's much better now and large commercial panel van goes over to see the dead body of the bond [ __ ] that they covered up with a towel takes a towel off and finds out that she has decomposed she's now skeletal remains he brings everybody over to see this and they finally figure out that they went to the beach that makes them old you went to the what the beach that makes you old the beach that makes you old yeah man the beach that makes you old excuse me I got to tell you about this beach it made me old you have to know that's not possible look at me man I'm old as hell I'm going to stop myself here before I recite this whole meme word for word by heart cuz I can't do that but what I cannot do is remember even the first two digits of my own phone number so good job me anyway Trenton be here in the towel house made and they're like what's happening to us we're both growing so fast I feel different and have so many different thoughts me too you want to stick your penis inside of me sure while these two delinquents are discovering their bodies the rest are discovering and piecing together more things about this beach and most of them are mad stretches and leaps and logic but movie has to movie I guess so whatever here's a quick rundown on what these things are they're all getting older duh the kids need more food because they're gaining more mass than the adults so the adults don't require as much food duh they also think that the rocks on the beach are the things that are making them old not so duh but whatever so jiren suggest leaving very slowly through the canyon having a theory that when they try to leave really fast it's like trying to surface from a deep Di really fast and getting decompression sickness you have to have like decompression stops or whatever so maybe leaving very slowly through the Canon step by step will help negate the effects of the passing out on the headaches but everyone says that's a terrible idea because you'll age too much doing that well do you have any better ideas you stinky retards at least have one person T also they say that their hair on nails and [ __ ] like that are un effective because they're already dead cells but that doesn't make any sense to me because first off they should still be growing out right cuz yeah they're dead but they still get created right and second what about the dead blonde how decomposing actually let me search this yeah see your cells pretty much die a few days after you do so how come her dead cells decompose but your dead cells in your hair and [ __ ] nails are not decomposed but fine you want to brush this inconsistent movie logic to theci side for the sake of movie convenience okay but what about my third Point periods the flow should be extreme bro each and every [ __ ] on this goddamn Shore should be leaking blood out their like a fire highy drunk I could be wrong on all the points I just made cuz I'm not a doctor I'm not a scientist I'm just an internet autist accidental rhyming over moving on they finally go looking for two other kids and find Becky shoveling food into her face cuz she's a grown ass pregnant woman now and tent is now brown all of a sudden brby looking like one of those before and after memes why is he Indian now I'm not the only one seeing this am I I'm pretty sure he was way lighter skin tone when he was a kid right you know what I don't care everybody panics cuz the [ __ ] is pregnant the baby starts growing really fast and she starts giving birth and you think that the baby would grow up like that one video on the internet where the baby shoot out the woman's vagina and grows up becomes a man and dies but no the baby just dies immediately because it can take the rapid aging effects and the doctors start stabbing the ground and yelling the rain [ __ ] at Jared with an end they can clearly tell this guy's losing his [ __ ] mind he's a literal definition of psycho derange insane person that is increasingly becoming a very lethal risk to them why hasn't anybody thought the time up yet or if you don't have rope put a [ __ ] rock on him or something to hinder his Mobility before he tries to kill someone oh wait too late because he goes off to stab family minivan to death and only after that do they take the knife away from him and only that they don't try and restrain him at all but good enough I guess then jiren decides to try and swim out and around the Cove to try and find some help so jiren what the [ __ ] was the point of holding that meeting to see who was the most qualified and most willing to swim out if you were the one that was most qualified and willing to swim out you [ __ ] [ __ ] selfish whatever he swims out and the rest figure out that the resort people always knew about their illnesses and manipulated them to come over here and gave them special private tra special treatment and [ __ ] so they could kill them off without being suspected for anything then it suddenly pops into mx's head to confront her mom about why she's leaving her dad mom says it's because they discovered the tumor and she didn't want them to suffer kid also asks if Mom was cheating on dad mom says yes kid can't believe it is devastated and goes off to have a dip in the water and clear her mind and this marks the point where they all start dropping like flies very rapidly starting with jiren his carcass floats over to madx and they figure that they make you old and get you dizzy and pass out effects of the Rocks extend and a radius around the Rocks into the ocean as well so he passed out and drown that's probably also what happened to the blond [ __ ] then Becky decides to climb up the Rock maybe she'll be able to find a way out that way but the radius of effect of the Rocks is more like a sphere of effect in all directions including up she passes out right before she uses the top falls off and goes Splat on the floor dies how come she didn't climb back down though same with jiren and the blonde [ __ ] how come they didn't try to swim back cuz I would assume just like with the attempts of trying to walk through the canyon to get out they would first start getting a massive headache then start making their way back to the beach then pass out so why didn't any of them attempt to make it back to the beach in the swimming and the climbing or why don't they pass out in the canyon when they tryed to make it out cuz you can't have it both ways whatever though Patricia then has a seizure or playe with some pool noodles and dies guys's Vision starts getting shitty and blurry brisket loses Hearing in her left ear Calcium deficiency Instagram [ __ ] becomes the Hunchback of notredam she's also very confused and does not know that her daughter just died cuz she's been hiding in a cave cuz she's been suffering from a chronic case of I think I'm super ugly syndrome and after she sees her reflection she once again goes to hide in that cave then guy tells brisket I want to tell you something and in his infinite wisdom does not tell her that he's losing his eyesight she doesn't tell him that she lost hearing and one ear either instead he tells her that he went through her phone one day and saw her text messages realized she was cheating she apologizes to him he forgives her the time reconciliation happens and they just sit there enjoying each other's presents while the skits mentally deranged dock gets another knife from his mom's purse I think and starts Army crawling towards guy he sort of sees this and asks brisket hey brisket who's that she obviously can't hear him and you know how I know that at least brisket did not tell him that about her heing loss in one ear because if she did he'd be trying to grab her attention by holding her or poking her instead of talking to her but on the other hand they're super old right now so even if they did tell each other this stuff they could have forgotten or been too stupid to actually use this information wisely also they're like contemplating their mortality super hard right now so their mind is kind of occupied C really blame him anyway doc comes over like I had to kill the black guy I mean he was black and now I have to kill you no Witnesses starts slashing away at him instead of stabbing him which he could be and should be doing but movie wants to keep on moving so whatever briska finally notices that the doc is attacking her husband and takes some hits herself then goes off to warn the kids who were digging through where they found the old toys and Rusty knives and found a journal of someone who was on this garbage island before them and wrote down all his thoughts and basically arrived to the same conclusions that they did except he also logged all the names and addresses of all the people who are on this confer island with him at the time bris arrives and tells the kids to go hide without asking any questions so they go do that in nearby cave she takes a rusty knife and goes back to slash a gash into the doctor's arm giving him septus or whatever doing 10x point poison damage on him he gets infected super bad and starts rusting IRL then dies meanwhile the kids who had found some matches to light the way in this cave find that the Hunchback of Instagram is hiding in his cave with them throwing the rocks at them telling them to turn the light off I'm so ugly stop looking at me and the rock falls on her arm breaking it it heals in the broken position and she keeps trying to attack them in the process breaking more bones and I'm not going to show any of this cuz I can barely edit it myself I do not want to see that visual again I'm just going to describe it for you imagine a wacky inflatable arm inflatable Tu man but anytime he gets into a wacky position the bend at his body solidifies and then he gets into another Bend and it solidifies as well and it keeps going like that it's [ __ ] awful bad do not want to see it again she dies too they get out and find out that their parents barely survived the psycho doctor attack and they chilled with them for a bit super hopeless but kind of at peace guy dies then so does brisket shortly after him morning comes and the kids are now in their 50s they decide to keep trying to get out but before that turns like he want to build a Shan cash first yeah priorities so they go do that have some fun T gets the idea to go open a secret letter itler BR him for some funs as well turns out the message was about his uncle not liking the coral they think that kid overheard something important and doesn't know what it means but it could help them get out of here just like I predicted see there's some Coral off the shore and Trent had this Theory while they were digging through the sand and finding old stuff from old people who were here before that maybe if they had some protective metal tube that they could put over themselves it could protect them from the make you old and give you massive headaches and make you pass out radiation that the Rocks give off and they could just walk out of here through the canyon but they couldn't find any metal so he's thinking that this Coral could be their metal Tobe that they can swim through and negate the effects of the make you old rocks whatever so he goes off to get the journal for evidence and they start sewing towards the coral they see there's a convenient tunnel through the coral so they go through it without resurfacing first for and last breath like morons they start swimming through and mx's beat shirt gets caught on one of the corals and they struggle for so long trying to get it off they finally break off a piece of the coral find the Gap in the coral and resurface to take one last breath to keep swimming through it why not just take the shirt off you [ __ ] Mongrel [ __ ] also they really try and squeeze the drama out of this bit where they're trying to break off this piece of coral to save madx as if they're not going to make it out but of course they will because it's obvious as [ __ ] you're not fooling anybody Mr M night [ __ ] [ __ ] speaking of him he's the one that's been watching them from a nearby Mountain Top spying on them and filming them sees that the kids went for dive and then surface for a while presumes them dead calls that into his superheroes deing this experiment over drives over to a nearby lab where the hotel manager and the Really bainy [ __ ] are with a bunch of other scientist [ __ ] with suits having a moment of silence for their fallen test subjects see they have a pharmaceutical company and they study and lure people with illnesses over to their resort to give them special drinks with test medicine in them check them into going to this beach that ages them really fast so they can test the effects of these experimental drugs on them over the course of a lifetime in just a few days to save time and then release this cure to the public and make big farm on money after the moment of silence one dude comes up takes the floor and says that one of the experiments was a success they gave Patricia a cure for her for epileptic seizures and she didn't have a seizure for around 8 hours which translates to 16 years didn't she die of one though so can you really call that a success also what about brisket and her tumor or does that not count because tumor didn't disappear it actually grew bigger and them cutting her open taking her out and her surviving was a bit of a fluke probably was anyway we then get some really closeup and weird shots of their faces discussing the next test subjects that they're going to test [ __ ] on later back at the resort tent and Mad Dogs 357 are somehow able to make it back and get in find the cop they met earlier on vacation and give him the journal with all incriminating evidence and explain to him what happened and he believes they're really farfetched story I guess the journal checks out all the people in the journal are listed as missing persons then they go and stop the new arrivals AKA test subjects from drinking the experimental drugs tent shows it the secret note he wrote him the hotel staff get [ __ ] and the kids get flown to a nearby airport in a helicopter but not before flying by and taking a look at the beach that makes them old seriously you went back you really want to risk it with this unknown sphere of effect I don't care that you're hovering over it probably at a safe distance in case in a middle object that's probably protecting you from the makeu old radiation you're not sure about any of this you don't know that you're at a safe distance you don't know that the hel cup is protecting you this [ __ ] anyway they then head off to the airport where their aunt is waiting for them and they have lots of explaining to do and that's it this movie gets 10 Joe wogan out of 69 Dave chappels [Music] [Music]

Channel: High Boi

Views: 1,201,942

Keywords: old recap, old explained, high boi, funny, haha, alien, old

Id: YeyCaK8Ftp8

Length: 15min 47sec (947 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 25 2024