Everything Wrong With Old In 15 Minutes Or Less

comcast you have such a beautiful voice i can't wait to hear it when you're older foreshadowing that slaps you in the face not gonna lie if i ever pull up to a hotel and there are this many people waiting to greet me i'ma keep driving thank you very much this is creepy pro golf pro golf every other item on this calendar makes some kind of sense but pro golf i can do a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle which is a considerable thing to do my dad and i put clear glue on them and hang them on my wall i collect conch shelves kids have the dampest conversations there's 250 000 furniture related injuries in the united states per year 25 of those coffee table injuries dad statistics no kids allowed on the beach what hold on no kids week dad jokes it's not her fault but i will never be able to see this actor smiling without wondering who she is poisoned then we can go to the same college together and become neighbors with mortgages cool not sure if idlib finds college or mortgages cool in this narrative but he's getting a sin on both as these kids sit together and listen to their parents fight by i'd like to give 10 sins here for parents that fight with an earshot of their kids you're always thinking about the past you work in a goddamn museum yeah take that you museum working hypocrite this movie is dumb the lack of consistency of lowercase and uppercase letters on this legend bothers me more than it probably should i guess once the people are on the beach they're stuck but why wouldn't the resort send everyone in the test subject group on the same day maybe you could recommend one of these why is this scene there's a private beach on the nature preserve side of the island since the private beach is the cause of the old in the title could we just roll the credits now please can we they're not even 12 minutes in and i really want to be done with whatever this is supposed to be call it a movie if you must if you put yourself in all the movies you make at what point does it go from playful cameo to selfish indulgence and why is it five movies ago [Music] and no one comes behind this guy to close and re-lock this gate what's the point in locking it then ominous vultures because we can't build tension in any other way than the obvious slow motion shot of them walking through a canyon because why not maybe zack snyder is watching influencers guy yeah what book am i reading giving your spouse a quiz friska i wanted to tell you something no never mind leaving someone hanging in a conversation like this no wonder prisca's leaving you that's mid-size sedan naming a hip-hop artist mid-sized sedan like rap names are usually about flexing but a midsize sedan isn't a flex it's an embarrassment this name should be all diesel truck or full-size ford or overcompensating chevy mixing grandparents toddlers and the ocean in the previous shot trent was with cara so how did he get over here with maddox so quickly parenting no fish there are plenty of weird things about this movie and these characters but quite possibly the weirdest is trent's obsession with fish who gives this much of a sh about [ __ ] fish oh damn oh damn my nose is bleeding or oh damn i know who killed that person was she with you i was waiting for her the mid-sized sedan portion leading up to everyone else arriving very much confuses me has he not tried to leave the beach or just wandered off far enough to black out looking for this woman the fact that he knows nothing of what everyone is about to experience makes very little sense if midsize sedan has been on the beach since the previous night why hasn't he aged more also the body of the woman should have decomposed long before now i'm an actor i calculate people's insurance rates based on their risk profile how long came guy no reception at all people are stranded in a remote area and have no cell phone reception cliche his nose is bleeding i think he got that when she was trying to defend herself racism she tells him she works at a museum then says she's not telling him that because she's hysterical but because she wants his trust regarding the health of her child which i guess this makes sense in m night's head but i wish he'd run his ideas by a normal human before filming them so that normal human has a chance to say what the [ __ ] are you talking about as dude man does cpr and lady person and others shriek nearby i would like to point out that i would probably be more invested here if i had any idea who any of these people were no really are you 10 11. i get that trent can't see himself and doesn't understand why his age proclamation isn't weird to jiren but maddox can see trent and tell he's gotten older why hasn't she said anything to anyone yet movie dares to ask the question if you saw your son and daughter two minutes apart and on the second sighting they were much older despite so little time passing would you hug them or would you say what the f before going any further [Music] [ __ ] me this movie is going to continue acting like it's really clever when in reality it's the opposite of that we're on a beach with two unrelated dead bodies that is just statistically impossible this is guy's concern [ __ ] guy we're on a remote undeveloped island what a screenwriter in observation this is so kind of political can you have a parlor on the beach maybe this is some kind of group psychosis i've studied this we don't believe we can leave the speech but how would the group psychosis explain rapidly aging children or a womb turning into a scar in seconds maybe the goal is to get the least intelligent and or rational people together on an island or maybe the goal is to get the most mundane of m night creations into an m night movie and see how an audience reacts because otherwise i have zero clue as to what this movie is trying to accomplish and i'm pretty sure i will have aged at least seven years by the time i finish watching it the dog has died it was only just alive dog ears finally rears its ugly life-impacting head who thinks they can swim a hundred lengths of a pool against currents michael phelps aquaman a really smart dolphin my thoughts have more colors in them now this is what m knight thinks poetic dialogue sounds like from the author of i'm gonna salt bae your ass yesterday i had a few colors they were really strong and now i have more and they're quieter what this isn't funny anymore what everyone gather i guess we're just all doing whatever this loud woman says everyone needs to have a voice here admirable sentiment let's see how it plays out ocean cam does anyone ever need them thread we're gonna have to sew this up bringing a needle and thread to the beach i never need to see surgery cuts into skin ever cut her again we'll keep our hands in there to keep the incision open this works and prisca survives this [ __ ] gross man okay [ __ ] you movie i'll never eat cantaloupe again if the island can heal the wound in seconds why does it still leave a scar the island is half-assing its job come on look at this you better come take a look at this cliche something is going on with time on this speech you don't say jesus the dialogue in this thing is clunkier than muddied up moon boots somehow during a time crisis on an isolated beach these two horny now teenagers find a way to sneak off and be horny in a makeshift tent half an hour is equivalent to something like one year of our lives but it has to be more rapid than that prisca's incision in the cut on midsize sedan heel and scar in a matter of a few seconds which would equal at least three or four weeks if three or four seconds equals roughly a month that means everyone would age 15 months in a minute so 30 minutes would actually be around 450 months which equals a little over 37 years at this point the kids would be well into their 40s if not 50s and the adults would either be dead or well past retirement age what about a hair and nails shouldn't they be growing at an abnormal rate maybe it has to do with the fact that the cells in hair and nails are dead and they aren't reacting in the same way oh on this beach 60 minutes is two years so that means it would take me four months to jerk off wait maybe we could slowly walk through the canyon take a step stand still this is sneakers you stole from sneakers you dicks but according to prisca's timeline who would be willing to give up 20 years of their life trying but you're giving up your entire life if you don't try so why does no one listen to miles from lost and try this why are the kids you've lost the kids you [ __ ] deserve it all just kneel and accept the incoming justice growing teens need food and also you can't expect her to know manners since she was just previously five years old but it still is gross and sinful this is a pretty good condom commercial i'm sorry about the baby well everyone is more importantly why did you go from 11 to 16 super fast but then not age a bit since then his name was giuseppe he wasn't very handsome when i left him he looked silly together you and i vanity wouldn't it be creepier if the characters noticed this guy before the audience did or at the same time guy i was on the swim team i'll make it thinking the ability to swim in a temperature-controlled pool would make you immune to anything the ocean would throw at you conveniently and creepily jiren corpse floating by is convenient and creepy last night in old beach you must have gone unconscious swimming you think we never had a prom for graduation there's so many memories we didn't have you were [ __ ] five years old earlier your brain is not wistfully mourning lost proms and graduations jesus spilling your baby everywhere obviously cara is going to pass out and fall to her death that's a no-brainer but how does she even get to the point where she can black out the idea that these rocks would be so perfectly placed for climbing without any kind of assistance or equipment is more ridiculous than the idea of a beach that makes you old in a day don't climb that disciplining someone else's child not because you shouldn't but why would you want to scene of cliffhanging contains no sylvester stallone that's a mathematical certainty there must be a way out this guy has never supernatural before oh no the girl i met a couple hours ago who eats pasta salad like a monster and who is also the mother of my dead sand baby is now also dead your son has gone from 6 to 20 in an hour father in a stillborn child and now mooring his dead girlfriend of 30 minutes what do you do why would his vision go from fine to blurry in an instant i can't protect you anymore holy christ i thought m knight could never top the pure insanity of lady in the water but it looks like he took that challenge personally why does this girl still look 16 it's dark outside now surely a few hours have passed since she discovered that every half hour is a year she should be played by a totally different actress right now as these two somehow grow closer while discussing her extramarital affair i'm left wondering why this movie needs to be longer than 70 or 75 minutes it's like the movie wants to be 50 the beach and 40 the shallows but then also 10 a marriage story magnetism of this exact spot on the earth with the rocks on this beach submerged beneath the ocean for millions of years deposited with special minerals are causing ourselves to age at a rapid rate if you say so magic beach diary maddox that's a camera see how underwhelming it is when he finally sees evidence they are being watched after the audience was already given two shots i hate the [ __ ] movie they're recording us why would they do this the actors questions about why this film was being made somehow make their way into the film why would they keep this knife this entire ocean for you to throw the [ __ ] thing into my favorite part of this movie is the part where you can't see i would give a sin back here for this thrashing and breaking of bone scene honestly if the movie hadn't been so insipid up to this point it's rust it acts like poison when it gets into your bloodstream wow an expositional stabbing also murder it's weird that this entire family are the only people to have survived this beach is that because they're the protagonists or was the fact that they are the protagonist the reason they all survived mom are you warm enough see now mom is suddenly completely deaf and acting like a grandma well she was a grandma for a few seconds but that's beside the point the point is she's aging fast again after spending a lot of time not appearing to age much at all 41 seconds of maddox man this character is a terrible singer the camera will now slowly pan to the right and up a little bit to show us nothing just a cliff so then it can pan slowly back and to the left and down a bit to presumably show much older versions of these characters and the movie does this constantly slow pan to nothing slow pan back things have changed i'm magic if the theory of none of the dead cells like the cells in hair would be affected then why does adult treat have so much five o'clock shadow these [ __ ] idiots decide to keep trying to escape the island fine but even though they are in their 40s now they decide to waste a few good escape attempt years on digging a sand castle first i [ __ ] hate them die die idlib sent me a message i never decoded and we thought we were so smart this message ends up being what saves their lives which is fine it's even kind of clever but maddox randomly mentioning them feeling like children leads to trent randomly thinking about the message idlib gave him and you know how we feel about randomness leading to neat and tidy conclusions around here since ed lib has a pretty good idea how they can escape why would he just make this more instructive why not say swim to the coral and you will live it's not figuring out the meaning of a song title in a quiet place two levels are stupid but it's close giving this movie five sins for introducing the underwater deer antler hell to my nightmare vocabulary trenton maddox have no clue where they're going but somehow pick the exact path they need to take and do not run out of air while swimming underwater okay look i'm not going to send the medical jargon the typos or any of the actual content on screen i'm sending the order if you look at the numbers and the names of these conditions there is no reason whatsoever applied to how they are ordered on screen there even appear to be arrows indicating if a condition is on the rise or downturn and even that doesn't account for the order of these conditions because of this beach we have been able to save hundreds of thousands of lives with new medicines so the twist is that big pharma and their practices are shady as sh wow must have taken you weeks to shyamalan that into existence and yes i know this is based on a graphic novel but it's a graphic novel that doesn't have this ending so all of this unoriginal [ __ ] can be placed right at the doorstep of one mr m night the medicine we gave her when she arrived turned out to be the exact mixture she didn't have a seizure for eight hours and 17 minutes but she had gotten the medicine the previous day when she arrived so if this were true it would be a lot more than eight hours and 17 minutes however it's not remotely true because she had a seizure the following morning at the resort during breakfast why is this floor the same red white checkerboard of the citadel and the halloween remake sequel also this is cabin in the woods it's the same thing only with some surface tweaks i love how knight is so proud of this movie and it's just a drew goddard rip off let's do what nature wanted us to do [Music] finding this many people that are perfectly okay with murder this pro golf thing is gonna bug me for forever your police officer we know this is trent based on his voice and the fact that he asked this character what he did for a living at the beginning of the film so hiding his identity here makes no sense not everything has to be a [ __ ] twist not everything should be a [ __ ] twist am i supposed to feel sorry for these [ __ ] selling out idlib some movies exaggerate the amount of time a person can hold their breath underwater and this is one of them even if the coral did somehow protect trenton maddox from the blackout they are now no longer protected by the coral so they should be blacking out again no their bodies still have experienced the same intense aging process so nothing should have changed once they left the coral area how would you feel if a 50 year old man called and told you he was your six-year-old nephew i'd feel confused that a six-year-old learned how to talk in a very adult manner in the span of a day he should be replying me scared damn a grumpy old man you

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 2,183,348

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, everything wrong with old, eww old, old the movie, old outtakes, old bloopers, old, rufus sewell, m. night shyamalan, old 2021, old trailer, m night shyamalan, old movie, vicky krieps, old m night shyamalan, old movie trailer, gael garcía bernal, alex wolff, thomasin mckenzie, universal pictures, old review, m night, old movie reaction, old reaction

Id: 65l7GAlOT4g

Length: 15min 14sec (914 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 06 2022

Reddit Comments

[u/GERBILSAURUSREX]

Mid Sized Sedan. That is all.

[u/TheDynamicDino]

I hadn’t seen any clips of this until now…what the hell, nearly EVERY piece dialogue feels like a bad student film script. I can’t even tell if the actors are any good from these clips alone, because their lines would be impossible for even Tom Hanks to navigate with any kind of nuance.

[u/ROBOT_B9]

This could have worked but there was something about it that didn't click...maybe if it was a Tales from the Crypt episode.

[u/dgrelic]

They reference 'Lady in the Water', which I actually like. This seems beyond dumb for me. 'Lady' at least had Paul Giamatti.