Keegan-Michael Key - No Good Deed Goes Unpunished - This Is Not Happening

so one day in 1990 I was driving my 1976 Buick LeSabre down the street I had a 1976 Buick LeSabre it got 400 feet to the gallon and I was on the north side of Eight Mile Road you guys saw Eight Mile with Eminem okay and there was a dude standing in the parking lot and he comes up to my car and this scooter who's just looking rugged like looking rough he looked like a cross between like a like a beaten Golden Retriever and sad Gary Busey it was so anyway something came over me like the angel there was an angel sitting on my shoulder and the angel spoke into my ear and said this is the day that you're going to make a difference you're not going to just give them a dollar you're gonna do unto others today do it for this guy I said okay all right I'm north of eight mile I'm good to go I'm gonna help this I'm gonna help this guy and a guy comes up and he's like hey man I just wondered man if you could just help me out for a second if you could just I just there's a there's a church like just a mile north of here and I know some guys at the church and if you could just drop me off there there's a shelter there man I really appreciate it that's all I'm asking you to do but God bless you God bless you and I'm like okay this that's good that's fine he's not asking for money get in the car so we get in the car and I'm asking about himself and his name is his name is Jeff we're gonna call him Jeff and we were driving down and we're all of a sudden we're driving and I'm asking him what how you know how'd you fall on hard times he's telling me his story and then I realize we're driving South and I was just like that's another thing Jeff oh and so I got south of Eight Mile and we we pull over and he's like just wait right here just wait right here I'll be right back I promise I'll be right back so Jeff gets out of the car and for like a minute for like a minute I just see him going and he's walking around the church and Back Again and then he's back around here and he goes into a house okay right then that's the moment I should have driven away as fast as possible but that angel definitely screaming my ear just help someone you've 19 year old with your trench coat looking like you're in Lost Boys you're right at that moment when I should have driven away but it didn't I didn't I'm gonna help this guy I'm gonna be a good Samaritan if it kills me I get out of my car me Corey Feldman and I go and I open up the trunk of my car and I get on a tire iron and then I close the trunk and I'm leaning against the trunk of the car with my tire iron like like everybody within a two mile Square radius doesn't have a handgun do with my tire iron Jeff comes back and he's and he's walking towards my car he's walking towards my car he's really in a hurry and he gets up to me and he goes oh man what's going on with the tire iron I said just you know protection for myself just in case anything any went down and uh and he goes oh man that's uh oh you had me nervous there for a second because I was back there and things did not go well and so we got back in the car and we're driving down the streets it did not go well what happened Jeff and he has oh yeah I was in that uh house talking to a dude and then I hit me with an aluminum baseball bat so I was like oh and so he's like oh no no stop here stop here stop here and I'm like okay this is the time when I'm gonna okay Jeff I think it's time it's time to get out of the car so but we look across the street and across the street there's this house and there's a kid standing on the on the house he's got one of these huge like Triple Fat Goose down jackets a white one you look like the Michelin Man like a black Michelin Man and he was standing here this kid and he comes up to the car he looks in my window and he's like what's going on Jeff what's up and Jeff says Jeff says I'll be back in a couple of hours if you can just help me out right now I'll be back in a couple of hours I'll have I'll have four VCRs no here's me I'm like what so the kid goes back up to the back up to the porch and he's on the porch like this and he goes and then there's a drain pipe here and my boy reaches down like this and puts his hand in the drain pipe right takes his hand out comes saucers back across the street to my car presents a crack of cocaine to Jeff so you know crack cocaine's like here I'm like I've never seen that before and and he goes so I'll be back in about two hours with four VCRs so guys if you ever find a time machine and go back in time to 1990 and you want to buy crack the ratio from crack rock to VCR is one to one okay backs up from my car is all right Jeff all right Jeff and his any brushes his jacket back and there's a nickel plated 45 caliber in his pocket so I'm just like I'm the dumbest person in the world and so and then I got really Stern guys and I said Jeff this is it I have to be at play practice in two hours I'm stage managing early one evening at the Rainbow Bar and Grill so he so anyway Jeff is rummaging around on the floor of my car grabs a soda can then rummages around on the floor my car grabs a uh paper clip okay paper clip and he starts like doing a hole in the top of the can okay so he's making a hole in the top of the can so I'm sitting here and I'm just like oh man I can't get over how do I if I can get into this parking like it just get Jeff out of here I turn and look my man Jeff is screeched down in my car just smoking crack just just smoking crack [Applause] this guy looks at me and goes hope you hope you don't mind we got a Coolidge Road it feels like it took six years and guys I only had two hours I had to get to play practice and he gets out of the car and he's like thanks so much man I really really appreciate it man appreciate it so much God bless him you really need to get out of the car Jeff I need a jettison you out of the vehicle I need you to gone and he leaves and I and I you know I go to I go on with the rest of my life and I encountered him you know later in my life one time and I saw him walk in my neighborhood and that little angel on my shoulder was like hey there's Jeff maybe we should give it one more try and I said hey Angel off

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 915,237

Keywords: Keegan-Michael Key - No Good Deed Goes Unpunished - This Is Not Happening, Keegan-Michael Key, This Is Not Happening, comedian, stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, true story, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up, keegan-michael key, Keegan-Michael Key Stand Up, keegan michael key this is not happening, keegan michael key stand up, keegan-michael key this is not happening

Id: fb8xM2geCjo

Length: 6min 39sec (399 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 08 2023