“How Could You Not Watch…?“- Michael Che - Full Special

foreign [Applause] Boston how you guys doing wow this is crazy I love Boston now this is the second time I've been to Boston in like the past month and I love it because the first time I went I went to a place I'd never been before it's called Southie yeah it's a white ghetto I've never seen a white ghetto in my life it was amazing I saw a white lady steal a bike but she was wearing a helmet it was a man coolest thing I've ever seen man this is a this is cool because this is like a dream come true for me to do comedy you know for so many people you know I'm listening to Juicy a lot to get inspired you're listening to Biggie's juicy it's like the greatest song of inspiration ever you know it's weird though it's not the same song as when I heard it when I was like 12. because there's a line in there when he goes Super Nintendo Sega Genesis when I was dead broke man I couldn't picture this it's like 300 worth of merchandise it's not a lot of money man I've been dead broke my whole life and I've had a Sega Genesis I didn't have a Super Nintendo but I could picture it it wasn't like but it's fun though it's good because it's you know if I wasn't doing comedy I don't know what I'd be doing you know I don't know what I'd be doing it wouldn't be good I try like I would try to get a regular job it's embarrassing I have to like lie on my resume not humiliating that is you ever lie so bad on your resume that you can't believe you didn't get the job you want to go back to Footlocker like really Foot Locker [Music] who the [ __ ] you hire that has eight years mayoral experience in a degree in physics who is this amazing shoe salesman I don't have a degree I didn't even go to college and I'm glad I didn't because I do this so I don't have to go to college for this and those my friends that went to college on crazy debt like real debt I got a friend that's eighty thousand dollars in debt with an English degree I learned English for free the first thing I learned the first thing I learned and I talked to this dude every day I understand everything he's saying he doesn't know a special kind of English he doesn't talk like the Game of Thrones regular English you know he does for a living teaches English because that's the only thing you can do with an English degree so pyramid scheme foreign I do like uh doing comedy though because I gotta pay taxes that's the worst part that's the word you haven't paid taxes I never paid taxes before it's an awful feeling in fact tax is taken but I've never paid taxes and that's two totally different things so when you have taxes taken you get a job every week and they just take the taxes out of your check they just take it you don't get a choice just take it and they keep taking it to the end of the year where they're like hey I think we might have took too much his 500 back go buy yourself some sneakers or something and you're like thanks government we're going to Red Lobster tonight this is amazing I love tax time when you pay taxes it's totally different when you pay to actually let you keep all of your money all year and at the end they say you owe us 40 percent which is a lot for me because I don't know what I'm paying for I've never dialed 9-1-1 I put out all my own fires and I'm not saying I shouldn't have to pay any taxes but I should have to pay as much as somebody that votes or actually I don't vote because I don't know anything about politics and honestly I can't believe they would let me isn't that like an important job don't just let me pick the president really I don't got to take a test I don't need a license you need a license to shampoo dogs in this country but let me pick the president seems safe to you I don't know anything about politics I've tried I watch the news because I'm too stupid to understand the news or I feel like they're always lying to us right I was watching recently this lady from the government gets on talking about the economy she's like we in a recession we owe China 11 trillion dollars and I'm like we yeah I don't owe China [ __ ] you owe China 11 trillion we owe Sprint 90. [Applause] you must have been roaming you treat kids weird man let kids be kids and they were talking about kids out of control for sexting each other they're not out of control for sexting they just have the technology to be as gross as we've always wished we were when we were there would you think he was going to take pictures of with eight megapixels of camera sunsets no he's 12 is going to take pictures of his dick it's the most interesting thing he owns [Applause] [Music] it's not his fault I'm sure there was people trying to sext in the 70s and 80s in their bathrooms with Polaroids and stamps [Applause] where those Cheryl sees this [ __ ] in two to three business days I love it foreign people in the 20s trying to sext each other those cameras like the Box cameras [Music] with the black clothing [Applause] every picture like they was on money all right now watch the birdie it's the world's oldest Sexton joke I like that um I like that I'm at the age that I'm at man I'm 30 now which is a great age for me I [Applause] want 30 year olds aren't actually a lady in her 30s how old she was she was like Ugh 22. I was like really well you look horrible what's the benefit of looking like an old ass 22 year old I don't know if she was trying to impress she wanted to impress me she just said 47 I'd be like not bad thank you what is your secret now I just think she's some sick girl I like getting the fun I enjoy everything now I enjoy sex now I enjoyed sex when I was 20 but only enjoyed it for like five or six pumps then after that I was too busy trying to divide fractions and remember scenes from The Color Purple every every young dude in here has a trick to not finish Fast it's not just me women don't have a trick you finish whenever you want and we don't make fun of you because we're nice people enough woman there was about to early during sex was like oh [ __ ] think of Danny Glover I think [Applause] there's books that teach women there's no books that teach younger men how to enjoy sex better there's no 50 Shades of dudes so I'm gonna write a book I'm gonna write a book teaching younger men how to enjoy sex better it's going to be two pages long and the first page is gonna say if you feel like you gotta on the second page and the second page is going to be a bibliography that's all you need to know so I didn't even know that's it you're like I'm dead serious I wish I had that information when I was 20. I used to hold out I don't know why I never won nothing almost bit my tongue off twice now 30 if I'm early so big compliments to the chef I don't even know why women would get mad I'm a guy I'm supposed to fast anyway my car is made of people you ever try to stop a hundred thousand people leaving a small area at the same time it's impossible they got places to go I don't got riot gear this is my children what do you want me to do I'm just saying men don't learn like no man learns about sex from a book men don't learn about sex from books with visual creatures we learn about sex from watching action films or porno as you might call it [Applause] that's why we watch it if your man watches porn let him he's not gross he's doing research he's finding out things that you might be into because that's the only way we can find out you never tell us we just gotta guess and hope you don't call the cops if you would have told me before I seen it done in the movie that some girls like to be choked during sex I'd be like Shenanigans you're not getting me locked up no sir laughs that's why we watch it people get uptight whenever I talk about porn I don't know why it's right there how could you not watch porno it's right there it's like right on your computer how could you not watch it like if like if two people were having sex right here and I was telling jokes right here how many of you would be looking at me nobody it's right there it's not a weird thing like I get why people watch love stories I get why you'd watch like a romantic comedy maybe that's your fantasy you're like someday that's going to be me I'm gonna fall in love it's gonna be beautiful and you want to live through the characters I get that that's not my fantasy you know it's my fantasy I'm delivering pizza to a sorority [Applause] and they can't pay for it foreign people get so like afraid to be considered racist I feel like people are so afraid to come off as racists that they're not honest anymore you know like nobody wants to be honest anymore nobody just wants to say because they think people are going to judge them I'll give you an example one time after the show these people want to take pictures with me right white people and I was like sure we could take a picture that'd be fun I was like yeah let's take the picture so this white guy gets up takes out his camera phone and he snaps the picture of me now when he snapped the picture I noticed there was no flash so immediately I understand I'm not in this that's not racist that's physics there's no way instead of just being honest and saying hey man we gotta take this picture again because I'm not used to taking pictures of black people at night time so my flash is never on instead of just being honest I just see a bead of sweat trickle down his face and then he tags me in a picture of floating teeth [Applause] racism is a strange I don't even know you know how he racist in 2014 we need each other how could you hate black people we you need us you need me I'm black we make [ __ ] cool just like we need white people because you make [ __ ] safe and we all need Asian people because they make [ __ ] affordable so who foreign that might be Prejudice but I'm prejudiced I don't care Prejudice that's a sign of intelligence everybody's Prejudice I know you're not supposed to judge book by its cover that's why they put covers on books in the first place it's the whole purpose of a cover man judge me I don't care I went to Tennessee one time I went down south to do some shows and sometimes people take you around to show you what to do right in the city so this lady she's showing me everything to do in Tennessee and she goes hey Che I don't want to sound racist or anything but you've got to try this chicken restaurant we have it's amazing and I was like why would that be racist and she goes well because black people like chicken this is a very hurtful stereotype for two reasons one it's absolutely true two you know who else likes chicken a lot everybody would taste why is it only funny when we eat it I don't know how did I just become our thing why is that a weird thing that we like chicken that's I'm seriously asked because there was a guy that made the news a professional golfer he got in trouble because he told Tiger Woods he said I'm gonna invite Tiger Woods to my house and I'm gonna make him some fried chicken and white people's like oh that is racist and I was like is it what kind of thoughtful races finds out your favorite food and then threatens to make it for you it sounds hospitable could you imagine that could you imagine if that's what racism was just white people finding out stuff we like and bringing it to us how awesome would that be he was like an Alabama and the KKK just showed up on your lawn like white Chef has with the eyes cut out barbecue [Applause] come on out I hear you boys like wipe me I'll be the greatest racism of all time that wasn't delighted me I got Prejudice people in my life I went to San Francisco I told my friends they all said the same [ __ ] yo be careful over there in San Francisco it's mad gay like I was gonna catch you I was like dude you can't catch gay by just going to San Francisco you can only catch gay in jail I think foreign I only know that because I watched lockup on MSNBC there's always dudes on there who's been sentenced like 20 years five years in they've had sex with other dudes I've seen guys go five years without before I've been to high school at the end of it I never heard anybody say yo you didn't get a date to prom either let's go Phillip he's in the shower let's shank them I don't seem fair to Phillip I went to I went to San Francisco and it was cool because it was during Pride week and they passed gay marriage that same week it was crazy it was like everybody was celebrating [Applause] say that you're for equal rights oh that's a stance you can have in this country you could be four equal rights I mean there's people out there saying I think everybody should have the same rights as everyone else and there's other people like nah son I disagree people get worried about gay marriage I don't know what you I don't care do whatever you want don't do it I'm not gonna do it do it I'm afraid to get married I still think I might be rich someday another Rich dudes proposed I feel like they're saying hey I bet you half my [ __ ] I'll never cheat on you that's what happens to rich people they lose half their [ __ ] I watch SportsCenter Kobe Bryant's worth 150 million dollars his wife was going to leave him in a divorce it takes 75 million dollars away because she had to raise the kids by herself but 75 million I would have raised Kobe's kids for half that [ __ ] thank you I don't even know them I would have breastfed them and everything I would have been a great mom Michael Jordan greatest athlete of all time he lost 200 million dollars in a divorce then got remarried that's how competitive Michael Jordan is he lost 200 million dollars and you know what double or nothing what are you afraid of what do you think is going to happen gay dudes get married what do you care how to do something you can't let gay dudes get married what's next people Gonna Want to Marry animals I was like is that what you're worried about yes probably and who gives a [ __ ] I don't I eat animals if you wanna one that's your business I'm pretty sure I'm doing the worst thing to it well if I was a goat and you asked me if you were like [Applause] if you were like hey go would you rather be chopped up in this Caribbean lady stew or get blown by this strange farmer it wouldn't be the toughest decision I made as a goat that day [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] um I went way over probably a lot of time but I had so much fun thank you guys so much thank you [Music] let's go copy that tonight is the night you guys have your tickets out

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 859,990

Keywords: Michael Che, stand up featuring, featuring, Michael Che stand up, Michael Che comedian, comedy central stand up featuring, stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, get to know Michael Che in six jokes, funny, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up, snl, saturday night live, michael che saturday night live, pete davidson, colin jost, that damn michael che, hbo, michael che standu p, che

Id: BwoEOw24xMk

Length: 20min 51sec (1251 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 07 2022