Hey guys, welcome back. Thanks for joining me for another video So this video I want to answer some of your questions Because I get a ton of questions every single day and a while back I kind of put out there on YouTube and on Instagram and if you're not following me, please go check me out I only get right over here but I asked you guys, you know, do you guys have questions for me and Definitely there they're all usually all across the board between confidence and dating Self-love boundaries a lot of them have to do with toxic people and narcissism. So in this video, I'm gonna answer your questions on narcissism and Also, I wanted to do a video on I know a while back on YouTube there was an assumptions hashtag assumptions that was going around for all the youtubers out there and it was our way of kind of answering some of your assumptions that you might have about us because obviously If you're only following us on YouTube, then you're only seeing a snippet of who we are but maybe you have assumptions or questions about things that we've gone through or Who we are in general and when I asked you guys, what are your assumptions about me? It's so funny, but I'll tell you later on in the video some of the stuff that came back But let's get right into some of your questions. So I'm gonna dive right into this So one of the first questions and these came from everywhere Instagram Twitter Facebook YouTube Why is it so difficult for someone to realize they are with a narcissist? Is it a result of their codependency or does the NARC hook them in so well? Honestly, it's a mixture of a lot of things first of all, the reason why it's difficult to realize that someone's a narcissist because you're probably Projecting who you want them to be and they're not that person. So If you've ever or it could possibly be cognitive dissonance and I made a video on that so definitely go check that out so you know what cognitive dissonance actually is but when you're struggling to realize who someone is it's because you don't want to believe what they're showing you so If you don't want to believe it, that's because you have a fantasy you have an expectation You have a projection that you're putting on that person. Could it be the result of codependency? absolutely, but really it has to do with The wounds that you have inside yourself the things that's going on inside of you that's causing you to project onto people That's the stuff that you really need to to Tame and get control of it's not really trying to fix other people wanting them to be different You have to take everyone in your life at face value Because you can't project what you want onto someone when they're blatantly showing you that they're not that person So the next question is how common are narcissistic friends does it take longer to notice narcissism in friends Versus a romantic partner. I personally don't think so because if you're meeting a new friend, it's just like meeting a new partner So the only difference between your friends and your partner is you're intimate with your partner But really the friendship should be there that foundation should be there So when you are meeting a new friend or having a new partner? You're really doing the same processes in terms of getting to know someone, you know, do they respect your boundaries? What are their values what are their character? So a lot of this I? How common are narcissistic friends I mean, they're just this common is finding a narcissistic partner. So Some people don't have full NPD. Maybe they just have narcissistic tendencies. So maybe you have a friend Who's a conversational narcissist where every time you have a conversation? You'll talk about something that you're going through and it just goes right it loops right back to her all the time She just wants to constantly talk about herself You could have a friend who has the tendency to be very relentless and manipulative but maybe at times they can be a little empathetic so It's really I don't think it's a matter of how common is it? It's very common for as many people that are narcissistic in the world. That's as many chances You're gonna find a friend who has some narcissistic tendencies or a partner that has them as well So the next question is why does it take so long to get over an arc? I'm tired of thinking about him. So Dealing with narcissistic relationships is not on its not like anything that you've ever dealt with It's not like a normal breakup. It's it's nothing like that because there's been so much emotional and mental and psychological abuse that you've gone through Depending on the person depending on how much they beat you down Depending on how little of self-confidence you have in yourself Depending on whether or not you know where your wounds are and you can look back and see how everything when in your relationship right when you're being really really honest with yourself and you see the manipulation and you see the abuse of tactics that they use you see the hamster wheel that you were on time and time again, so When it's difficult to get over this person, it's because you haven't fully Accepted who this person? Actually was so a lot of times when we struggle to get over really any breakup It has to do with the fact that it's we're not accepting Who this person actually was and that we had an expectation on what we thought this relationship was gonna be where it was gonna go who this person was and Because none of that has come to fruition we struggle with being able to like really get over this person. So If you're logical in this situation, right if if your friend was telling you hey This is the guy that I'm seeing and this is everything that I went through in this relationship How quick would you be to say? Hey this person isn't right for you Like we need to move on right this person wasn't good for you. You would be very quick to do that But because you're emotionally entangled or we're emotionally entangled in this relationship it can be a struggle even a Healthy relationship where you're not dealing with someone who's a sociopath or a narcissist or anything like that? When a breakup happens, it's painful you are emotionally detaching from Someone and that's something that that's not easy to do because you're a human being and and the point of being human is to connect With other people so we have to disconnect It's a struggle right if that's why they say breakups or divorces are like a death because we're removing ourselves Emotionally from someone that we can no longer be with so, you know be patient with yourself throughout this process but also use logic sometimes so when I talk about self parenting You've ever seen any of my videos, that's about you being the parent for yourself, right? So are you being the best friend for yourself and using logic in these situations getting yourself to remove yourself all a little? Emotionally from the situation and looking at what you were in this Relationship at face value and if you can really do that and be honest with yourself It'll be easy for you to start detaching a little bit more and it won't be so much of a struggle for You to you know get over this person and don't worry about how long it's gonna take It's a matter of what are the steps that you're doing day in and day out Are they helping you to stay tangled or excuse me? are they helping you to like remove yourself emotionally and and get more logical and be able to detach from the situation to know your own Self-worth to know what you deserve to know what you want and know that it's out there for you are you having those kind of conversations with yourself to keep yourself hopeful and help you heal or are you entangled in the stories of this person was the one well They had good they had good things about them And you know, there were so many good times that we had and you're not remembering the bad time So it's really it's not a matter of how long or why does it take so long? It's a matter of what are the things that you're doing every single day to help yourself to move on? So the next question is really piggybacking off of that last question so, how do I quit a guy that loves me but doesn't love me enough I Mean, I think this has to do with really your standards. So I can love some woman I can have love for someone I can even be in love with someone and if I'm not getting if I'm not being treated the way that I know I deserve to be treated if What I want in my life whether that's marriage kids a committed Relationships you hopefully find someone that I could share life with and live with you know if I have this envision of my life and this person maybe their values maybe their character maybe where they are in their life if They don't want the same things if they're not showing you that hey This is the stuff that I want to and here are the steps I'm taking to get us to this place because I want the same thing. We share the same goals If that's not happening No matter how much I love you I know that if you are not gonna be that person for me that there's someone else out there that would a lot of times We and and that's and that's not me thinking that everyone's dispensable. Right? That's a painful thing That sucks when you really love someone and they love you, but maybe the timing isn't there right? Maybe they want different things maybe I Love you you love me but I don't want kids and you do want kids like those are not easy things to go through but the reality is The reason why we say stuck in these relationships is because there's a belief inside of us That there's no one else out there That this person just is the person and I'm never gonna find someone like this person again Or I don't want to start all over. I don't want to go through this process all over again I don't know how long it's gonna take me So when all of that stuff is the underlining story that's being said in the background, then you're gonna make excuses You're gonna stay stuck You're not going to want to quit the guy right because you have this belief that either there's no one else out there there's no one else better or That it's gonna take forever. You know it took me so long to find this person So all that stuff is gonna keep you stuck I'm telling you guys the key to happiness the key to having everything is the mental toughness The stories that you tell yourself every single day, they're either gonna help you to get exactly what you want in life Or they're gonna keep you stuck in the same patterns in the same behavior over and over again practicing mental toughness This is why I was talking about self parenting learning how to have an inner dialogue with yourself learning how to remove yourself emotionally From the thoughts that are going on inside of yourself not attaching to every fear thought that comes up That stuff is huge. That's huge because there's no difference between you and I There's no difference between you and a person that's been in a successful. Happy relationship for 40 years There's no difference between you and the girl that you know that just applied to grad school that's getting the job that she wants That's you know confident in herself and just happy in life. There's no difference other than the stories that you tell yourself So the next question is how do you know whether to stay in a relationship or leave it and walk away? I Always live by the rule that if you have to ask yourself that question Then it's time to leave because if you're in a happy healthy Good relationship. You don't ask yourself those kind of questions. You feel great in your relationship And there's there's not even a thought of wanting to leave There's not a thought of thinking that maybe the grass is green or anything like that So how do you know when it's time to stay or leave? I think if you really want my answer, I think you need to be honest with yourself with knowing yourself What are the things that you want from in a relationship right from a partner? What are the things that are going on inside of yourself that you know that you need to tend to? Have you healed all your wounds you're projecting on to this person do you you know struggle with confidence all of those things? So you really have to know yourself? And it's just like owning a business and trying to hire an employee when you own a business and you say ok I need someone to handle marketing. I need someone to be an administrative assistant. I need someone to do my taxes. There's Qualifications, right? There's a list of hey, this is what I need every single day from this employee This is what I need them to help me with. Here's your manual. Here's your list of things to do every single day Do you know that in a partner? Do you know what you expect in terms of respect communication? You know, how do we handle difficult times when we get into an argument? What does that look like when I'm down and I'm feeling unmotivated How does this person show up for me right when I'm being vulnerable? does this person make me feel bad about the way I'm feeling and what I'm thinking so these are the things that you have to Tell them you have to know about yourself so when you know this, you know when you are dating someone when to leave and when to you know when to stay and when to walk away So the next question is why did my ex narcissistic partner? Prioritize her family over me Well if it's a person with true MPD then they're always gonna gravitate towards the people that they get the best supply from so if you weren't Giving the best supply and the best artistic supply if you weren't feeding into what she expected or wanted to see out of you then she's gonna gravitate towards the people that are you know emotionally and You know emotionally filling her up inside because perhaps maybe you're not doing that. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you She could be wanting to be around the people that just quite frankly enable her behavior so the next question is how to feel not guilty for ending a Relationship with a narcissist I always feel like I should have been more patient so I get this often I get this like guilt that people sometimes have or Contemplating did I make the right decision and Sometimes the people pleasers the codependence they tend to be the over thinkers rights. They want to make the best decision possible And you know, I need to be patient and kind and understanding for someone else's going through and you know I don't want them to think that I'm just walking we're giving up on them and The only way you can let go of the guilt is if you mentally let go of the guilt So if you know that you did the best you could That person is doing the best that they can do regardless Even if they are truly a narcissist with MPD or if they just have tendencies, right? We're all doing the best that we can do in life from the level of knowledge that we have in this moment Right, we're doing the best we can so if we accept that and we accept that Hey, I know exactly what I want in life I want this and I know it's not gonna look it's not gonna be exactly this but it needs to be Really really close to this, right? Cuz no one's perfect. They're not gonna be perfect I'm not perfect, but for the most part the core values of what I'm looking for character values goals communication Friendship trust all of those things. If you really these aren't just words that we're saying, you know I want a partner. That's loyal. I want a partner That's faithful know what think about that for a second and when you really feel into each of those things in a relationship And you think about is this person giving me this feeling of trust? Right that when I'm vulnerable with them and I'm trusting I'm giving my heart to you right and being vulnerable with you I trust that you're going to handle this in the right way You're going to handle my heart in the way that that is loving and caring and compassionate for me perhaps someone else doesn't need the things that I need, right, but when you find the person that Whatever you want to call it speaks your love language Communicates the way you do However, you want to put it when you just find those people and you've met them in life. Maybe it's a co-worker Maybe it's a grandmother Maybe it's an aunt just you can feel that these the soul is just an easy soul to be around right that even though we might have disagreements, even though we might not see eye to eye on some things that for the most part the foundation of What I want to feel when I'm around this person that it's there so when you know Exactly what you want and you know that hey as much as I do Love you and as much as I tried as hard as I can This isn't working for me. And this is what I'm looking for And that person wasn't it and that the person that I really want to meet is actually out there I know they're out there. They can't not be out there, right? so when you start coming from that space the guilt stand it just subsides because There's no need to feel guilt for a relationship ending, you know, regardless if it's a friendship, it's a romantic relationship It doesn't matter if a relationship is no longer good for you. There's no guilt I've got a practice just letting that stuff go So the next question is why is the narcissist doing so much better than me. When is Carmen going to appear? you know I get this often and There's a couple things one is You have to accept that sometimes what you want to see may never happen, so You know when someone's done you wrong or when someone's really hurt you we have this thing inside of us It's called our ego that wants to see this person suffer. It's like you made me suffer now. I want to see you suffer And we kind of live in this world of unforgiveness Right because I want karma to come and take you out I want karma to come and ruin your life the way you did mine And so we kind of live in that space that space is toxic and negative When you have really healed and move on moved on you don't even wish ill will on someone else because that person, even though they've done so many things to you, even though they've hurt you in so many ways and And I'm talking and hurt you right like hurt you in so many ways that when you get the point of real forgiveness and remember Forgiveness is about you. This isn't about this person. This is about letting go of them that I don't wish I it's it's not that you don't wish bad. It's that you just don't care I don't even care wish you well. Take care arrivederci Bye, I just don't want to hear you. See about you think about you because everything that you brought was negative or you hurt me in such a way that like there's no I don't I don't want anything to Do with you ever again and I don't even want to waste my own time or energy even wishing that on you That's how much I don't care anymore That's how much I've moved on is when you get to the place where you're like I don't even want to wish it will on you I just don't care what happens to you because I'm in a good space And all I want to worry about is my own energy and I want to focus any amount of thought Energy on myself and getting myself to work. I want to be and have the things that I want to have and You'll you'll make you leave you make a mess in someone else's life in other words, so will karma appear here's the thing the Karma could possibly be that this person is just not happy period point-blank So anyone that behaves the way a narcissist does is not a person that's happy. It's not a person that's fulfilled is not a person that Really feels joy and peace and contentment. They're not a light energy So when you realize that you realize that the Karma thing the payback it's actually already happening They're already living in misery now They can go on social media and pretend like they have you know All this happiness or they have all this money or they just got a new job or I just got a new boyfriend Or I'm dating this new girl now and I'm just so happy that I'm not with you. They can do whatever It is they want they can pretend all day long because that's who they are. There are people that constantly are playing characters So you have to know that and accept that these people are not genuine healthy people So no matter what they get when you say, you know, it looks like they're doing so much better than me It doesn't matter what they have in life that you don't have. It's still not going to be enough That's just how this personality disorder works there's a bottomless pit and you're feeding and feeding and feeding and I'm never getting fold-up because the things that I'm putting inside of myself aren't external things money cars Clothing women men, you know sex whatever all of these things jobs titles. I'm the man I'm the girl. Look at me like all of the stuff that is never going to fill them up inside so when you start coming from that space then you kind of understand why they are the way they are and that they're gonna ruin something at another point in time because That's just what they do because their relationships are important to them. Nothing is really important to them Other than those little external validations that they were getting now I wanted to answer some of your questions on narcissism and I hope that that kind of helped it really was geared towards relationships But if you guys do have any questions, don't forget to send me a message or you can comment down below Regarding your assumptions that you guys had about me. I mean I was stuck I wasn't stunned I was just so pleasantly surprised it just made me feel great because is you guys? Really don't have any negative assumptions about me I feel like you guys really do know me and and I really appreciate the lovely lovely comments that you guys sent me you know in terms of you know you thinking that I'm just sweet and genuine and I'm so glad because I'm really really genuine when I do these videos, and I'm really just Authentically myself. This is me But I did get a couple of assumptions that I thought were really funny um Debbie, I think it's Perez 3 on YouTube said I assume you are a workaholic and Yeah, I have tendencies of being a workaholic and it's tough to find balance It's easy sometimes to go to a nine-to-five and work for someone else because you don't Not that you don't care about your job, but it's not your baby when something is your baby and you're so passionate about it. It's It's actually very easy to become a workaholic because you love what you do, so Not doing the thing that you love is it's just about finding balance in life And I feel like I'm always striving to figure that out and I will over the course of my life. Um Patrick's car Scot 3 it's funny. You guys are all put in threes at the end of your usernames Um, he said, I assume you have your act together. Thank you because you do really know what you were talking about. Thank you So much, you know having your act together. I don't think anyone really does I mean, I like to think I have my act together But for the most part I have goals there are things I want to achieve I'm never I'm satisfied with where I am, but I'm always striving. I think that's the Capricorn in me the go climbing the mountain but you know, I definitely Definitely have moments when I have my meltdowns I'm a single mother and I I own my own business and I definitely have moments of stress and fear and you know overthinking and worry and I have to Sometimes I get entangled in the hole and I have to dig myself out right over the years It's gotten easier and easier as I've learned how to take care of myself and love myself and you know how to parent myself I know I'm letting fear take over letting stress take over so if that's what it means to have your act together, then I think it's a continuous practice and And yeah, so thank you bowl of three. Oh my god, you all have three at the end. This is crazy I don't assume I See that you are a caring person and that you're willing to help others Those were mostly the comments that I got from you guys, and thank you guys so much that that's like so great. Thank you Um, this is freaky sandeep sign three Literally you guys every single person that I took from YouTube and Instagram there was a three at the end of it That is so weird Um, okay, so she said I assume you're some teacher at school for little children You're a fun-loving and a caring person. Thank you. You enjoy You enjoy authentic food you've been to Italy oh, okay. I didn't know that that was there Never been to Italy it is on my bucket list. I've actually never been to Europe. I've never crossed the Seas So I want to go so bad So I definitely want to see Italy I want to see you know, I want to go to France. I want to go to London I want to go to Portugal. I'm Portuguese I've never been I need to go and someone actually asked me to they assumed that I speak Portuguese and I actually don't my grandmother only taught me a few words and she always said there's only Three phrases that you need to know sit down shut up and go home So Santa ki calaboose Papa lacasa, so that's all I know. That's all she taught me But I you getting back to Sandeep. She said I assume you're a teacher at school for little children I'm not I'm just a life coach not just a life coach. I am a life coach But I do have a five-year-old I would like to get into school someday, and that was actually my goal when I started coaching It wasn't really to do what I'm doing now And coach adults. It was really that I wanted to coach children and really teach them this stuff early on so You know, we can prevent messes from happening in our lives But I will say I have a lot of clients that are in their early 20s Which I think is so worried and the stuff that even if you just watch these kind of videos Whether you're a teenager, whether you're in your 20s, I didn't know any of this stuff when I was 22 23 25 And if I would have started getting into this early on it's just great great stuff so I hope someday to either do speaking or get into the school system so we can start teaching this stuff to children because They need these life lessons More than they need to learn about algebra more than they need to learn about chemistry and all of the stuff. This should absolutely be Curriculum in school. So hopefully in my lifetime we'll see that in the school systems, but who knows? Well that is it for me guys. Thank you guys so much I hope I answered some of your questions the next time I do this, I promise I will do alive, so don't forget if you haven't already don't forget to click Subscribe and the notification valve so you can be informed every week when I do upload a new video again. Don't forget to follow me on social media I will link all of that right here for you, and I will see you next week
