Mistakes People Make When Getting Over Someone

hey guys welcome back thanks for joining me for another video if you're new to my channel my name is stephanie i'm a life and relationship coach if you're a subscriber welcome back this week i want to dive into narcissistic relationships and really what i want to talk about is the things that people typically do wrong when they are trying to get over this person so i want to go over those and then i want to also give you the good feedback which is what should you be doing to actually help yourself move on from this relationship so let's get right into it now the number one rule when you're ending a relationship with someone who's narcissistic is going no contact we hear that all the time no contact no contact now there are certain uh situations and relationships where you can't so you know if you have to co-parent with someone then you're not able to not see them ever again you're gonna have to co-parent and probably for a really long time but for the people that don't have those situations the ones that make the biggest mistakes are the ones that leave the door open these are the people that will engage with the person who's narcissistic or the abusive person the toxic partner whatever they'll engage over text message they'll answer the phone call they'll have sex with them they'll kind of keep the window open and this allows for you to stay on this hamster wheel because the more you engage the more you're going to want to um try again or the minute they begin love bombing you you're going to fall right back into that cycle and into that trap and you're just going to keep going around and around now if you are a person that is not keeping the window open the door open you have closed it shut tight you never want it to open ever again because you know what's on the other side of that door then one of the first mistakes that most people make is they give themselves unrealistic expectations of how this healing process actually goes and what i mean by that is you are not ending a relationship with a normal partner you are not ending this marriage or this long-term relationship or even short-term relationship with your typical person and a lot of people are not going to understand what you're going through and you cannot judge the time frame on how long it's going to take you based on this being a normal breakup because it's not a normal breakout there are many things that come out of ending this type of relationship low self-esteem you were gaslighted you were probably emotionally abused psychologically abused um you know especially if they've just jumped ship and gotten into another relationship then you have to deal with the ramifications of that so there's been a lot of things that you have gone through over the course of this relationship lying cheating you know your partner basically wearing a mask and pretending to be something that they're not and all of a sudden the mask goes away and you see an absolute demon in front of you all of that very much messes with a person and it's not a normal breakup where you can just say okay i just don't like you anymore we're just really not meant to be let's part ways and even those relationships aren't always easy to end and to heal from and to get over right that's why breakups are not fun but this is magnified this is like times 10 so giving yourself unrealistic expectations is only going to hurt you because what happens is when you think that you should be done with this in six months or two months or whatever and all of a sudden you still have stuff that's coming up you're going to always judge those feelings that you still have because you haven't healed them yet and it just takes time and instead of judging them you should actually be doing what you should be doing which is validating the feelings learning how to parent yourself learning how to soothe yourself so you can really move on from this past relationship the more you and this kind of goes into the next thing the more you don't allow yourself to really grieve this relationship and this person and who you thought this person was and now they're not this person or they were playing a character the whole time or the fact that they confess their love to you and stood up at your wedding and you know told everyone that you were their soulmate and you were so happy and all of this stuff um this whirlwind romance or you know even a long-term marriage that lasted whatever 25 30 years what have you to now see this person just moving on so quickly as if your relationship didn't never existed and they really didn't love you and then of course when they start saying things like i never really did love you i actually made a mistake this wasn't what i wanted this is what i want like all of those types of things it just kind of magnifies that low self-esteem it just really hits that wound really deeply and so if you're not aware of any of this stuff these relationships can really break you down they can cause you to have a breakdown they can cause you to be scared to move on they can cause you to be bitter to be angry um to be you know untrusting of other people and it can really debilitate your life and hurt you in such a negative way if you choose to let it if you don't know how to properly heal from what it is that you've been through one of the first things is allowing yourself to feel allowing yourself to breathe grieve allowing yourself to feel the anger the sadness and the hopefulness and then the happiness that it's over and then going back to sadness and like any breakup of course it is a rollercoaster of going up and down with your emotions on how it is that you really do feel but being gentle and sympathetic and giving yourself compassion empathy while you are going through all of this is so so important and where i see a lot of people going wrong is when they judge themselves when i get the phone call of it's been six months it's been three months why am i still thinking about this the reason why is because you just didn't know you didn't have the tools that you needed to be able to really handle what it is that you went through because what it is that you went through is not like anything else you've ever experienced in your life the next thing that most people do when they're ending this kind of relationship and it really hurts them is they become obsessed they become obsessed with their partner they become obsessed with trying to figure out you know why they are the way they are why they did what they did they're googling they're doing all that stuff and don't get me wrong i think educating yourself is a thousand percent something that everyone should be doing i mean quite frankly they should be teaching this stuff in school mental health um disorders all of that stuff but i digress um but you know you obsessing and checking social media and on some levels like wanting this person to come back and just like kind of ruminating with this with these thoughts it doesn't allow you to have control over your life and i think a lot of the times when we do this it's because we're quite frankly just trying to make sense of something we're trying to make sense of what it is that we went through and there is no making sense of this because this is not a normal typical breakup this wasn't a normal relationship this wasn't a healthy human being this was something very very different so you're never going to get water from a rock you're never going to get a black and white answer to this you're going to learn things you'll start to kind of put the pieces together a little bit where it starts to make sense but a big part of this is obviously going to be within yourself you know like what do you learn about yourself what were the lessons that you took of this and it isn't we can't trust people or i saw that red flag and i didn't do anything about it and look i'm an idiot like it's none of those things it's really learning about your wounds your past how you can love yourself better how you can have better standards and just taking care of yourself for your future now when the person that is going through this breakup if they're not obsessing about their partner and trying to figure them out and like put them in like a box and everything they're either blaming themselves and so self-blame is probably one of the next things that most people do and again they do it because they're just trying to make sense of a situation so they'll diagnose someone they'll say okay i understand why this person is the way they are um i know their background i know their history i do think they they have narcissistic tendencies i don't care if they have mpd or not i just deem them as not being someone that's right for me or healthy so but they still couldn't love me and so i guess the problem is me so it's like logically you understand these things but your heart still hurts and so you're trying to find something or someone to blame for the pain that you've gone through and when you can't fully put the blame on someone else you then flip it and put it on yourself these usually the people that i have you know calls with or i'm chatting with on dms and stuff like that and they immediately start the sentence with well i know i have issues too well i know i wasn't perfect and they just want to put some kind of blame most of the blame on themselves so they can feel better because that gives them a sense of control that if i was the problem that i can fix me and i could prevent this from happening again you know and i think it's so important to reiterate this is that you can't rationalize what it is that you went through you can't try to make sense of something that really just doesn't make sense and you can chop it up to okay i have wounds and i attracted this person or you can chop it up to um i just have crappy luck and i attracted this into my world but for me i was never trying to do either i was trying to figure out and learn as much as i can about myself so i could be better that was all i ever really wanted was and it was and it was about obviously learning about external things you know what is emotional abuse what is gaslighting what is this what is that to protect myself but i wanted to i wanted to learn about not just what i did wrong in the relationship or how could i have done something better um and have that kind of like self-evaluation but what even attracted me to this person what was i yearning for um did i actually have high standards did i know what i really wanted in a partner and i think the beauty of going through this terrible experience that sometimes we have to go through is you actually can gain a lot not actually you will gain if you choose to do the work you will gain a lot of great stuff having gone through this pain and that was my thing i was like look if i have to go through all this pain i need to be getting something from this and so i wanted to learn what were the golden nuggets of what it is that i was going through for me the absolute first thing that i learned was i was capable of really loving and i knew i was always a loving person but i mean i was capable of actually a hundred percent being me being vulnerable sharing my stories the ones that i was shameful of the ones that i was embarrassed about things from my past the fact that i wasn't perfect you know really wholehearted wholeheartedly going into this relationship as my authentic self and letting someone really see me for the very first time i had never done that before and so for me that was actually a great thing and i know a lot of people will look at it like you know this was the first relationship that i felt comfortable and i felt safe and you know we had this great connection and i really thought that this was going to be it and they said you know i was their soul mate and i really thought i that this person was my soul mate i really really believed that and then all of a sudden everything changed and this person became something that they weren't in the beginning and everything got taken away from me or i ended the relationship because i couldn't take it anymore and i was going through too much suffering and pain what you take away is that you actually had a capability to let everything down let all of your walls down and really be in a relationship with someone else and show someone who you are that's a beautiful thing because now you know what it actually feels like for you to be in that place i think another really huge thing that people do completely wrong is taking everything that this person did or is still doing if you have to co-parent with them personally when you think that someone not being able to be who you wanted them to be has anything to do with you you're mistaken when you think someone's backlash and relentless behavior and abusive behavior has anything to do with you you're mistaken so understanding that and really grasping that concept is going to be huge towards your recovery because then you won't react to everything you'll just start responding or you'll just start seeing things for what they are and not take everything so personally where again you your your emotions get the best of you um and then it starts creating stories and then you just get entangled in this negativity and this unhealthy drama i think one of the healthiest things that anyone can do if they are coming out of this type of relationship is understand that what's going to really help you to heal is going to be your mind your mindset is going to be everything it's what you're going to choose to believe it's what you're going to choose to focus on if you choose to focus on the wrong things it will take you down a rabbit hole and you will stay stuck there or it will be really really hard for you to get yourself out of it if you understand that you were in this unhealthy relationship and now this time is for you to rebuild is for you to learn how to take care of yourself is to learn about your past learn about your wounds learn about standards learn about boundaries like this is what we're always talking about on this channel and everything that i teach all my clients surround these major topics if you learn how to really rebuild yourself and not just rebuild your life to go on and live your best life because quite frankly you can't live your best life if you're not in the right mindset so mindset is really going to be the main factor if you choose to look at everything that you went through as this was the love of your life this was the best thing that ever happened to you or even if you know it wasn't a great relationship that this was supposed to be the marriage that i stayed in for 40 years and you create such a story that you really lost something then you will stay stuck and you will continue to keep grieving and grieving even though logically you understand that this person wasn't ready for you that you wouldn't have been happy in this relationship but if you choose to believe that this was the connection this was your soulmate and now you're a victim of circumstance and now they changed and you know poor you because you got dealt a crappy hand you're never going to take control of your life you're never going to learn the lessons and you're never going to be able to move on and rebuild in a healthy way if you understand the way life works is you have certain lessons that you have to learn and sometimes the lessons don't come with an easy test sometimes they come with a lot of pain because maybe that's the only way you could really learn something is for you to actually get shocking by it now it stinks that we have to learn things and it comes with a bucket load of pain but that's life and life isn't going to always hand us these teeny tiny little lessons wrapped up in a pretty bow they're going to give us some hard things that we have to deal with and go through and you know mirrors where we have to look at ourselves and understand other people and learn things that we didn't know before that is going to equal your growth but again it'll equal your growth growth if you choose to look at it that way so to really do this in the best way is focus on you focus on your future don't spend any energy you know ruminating on the past use that energy to focus on what it is that i want in my future and how can i get there working on your self-esteem working on your self-worth a huge piece working on really attracting and not just attracting but creating the life that you want to live and the life that we all want to live is just a life of happiness right like we all want to be happy you can be happy in any moment at any point in time if you decide to make that your mission your your goal you know i'm not going to settle for allowing myself to stew too long in misery or anger or whatever and i'm going to decide that life's short you know i don't want to be bitter i want to move on but understand that you are human and there are going to be times where you are going to feel anger and you are going to feel fear and you are going to feel out of control all of those things are perfectly normal and i think that's the balance is feeling everything that you need to feel understanding where it's coming from and we always talk about self-parenting in every single video understanding where it's coming from but then not allowing yourself to sit too long in a space that's not going to actually bring you to where you want to be so i hope that this has helped anyone out there that is going through this really tough time in this breakup um or this ending of this relationship and if you enjoyed this video don't forget to give it a thumbs up and i'll see you next week

Channel: Stephanie Lyn Coaching

Views: 259,308

Keywords: breaking up with a narcissist you love, breaking up with a narcissist, breaking up recovery from a narcissist, narcissistic abuse recovery, don't do this after a breakup, wanting a narcissist back, moving on after discard, narcissist cheating and lying, mistakes to avoid after breakups, why you are not moving on, moving on after heartbreak, how to get over your ex girlfriend, how to get over your ex boyfriend

Id: OE8nmCAWqQo

Length: 16min 24sec (984 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 26 2021