Hey guys, welcome back thanks for joining me for another video if you are new to my channel welcome. My name is Stephanie I'm a life and relationship coach. I am a little sick as well So bear with me my voice is just a little hoarse this week. Um, but this week I wanted to talk about overthinking so when we are over thinkers, a lot of time people that are over thinkers are The highly creative ones. They're very detail-oriented. They're the problem solvers they're sometimes the fixers the people pleasers that codependent person tend to be the people that Overthink because they want to make everything right they want to make sure they're making the best decision So they obsess and they obsess about the pros and cons of something, you know they rehash an experience over and over again because they're trying to figure out what went wrong and how could I fix this and they're Just they get so in their minds they're real deep thinkers. So why this can be a problem? It's a great treat to have because it means that you don't, you know, make rash decisions You don't just okay. I'm gonna do this and do it with no thought at all so there has to be a balance between people that kind of dive right into life and don't really think too much and then the people that just think and think where it becomes obsessive creates anxiety you know possibly depression and just becomes a problem in order to find the balance between not caring and not thinking about anything in life, you know decision wise and overthinking every single decision is Understanding why we are this way. So I personally have two theories on why someone is an over-thinker The number one reason why people tend to overthink is control So a lot of the times if I'm gonna obsess about something to the point of wanting to make the best decision possible It's because I live in a fearful place so if I want to seek control if I want to make the best decision and I want to figure out the whys So much that because of it becomes obsessive to me. That means that I want to I Want control over why something happened? I need to know in order to make myself feel better So if I need control over a decision than making I want to make sure I'm making the best possible decision because I fear What its gonna feel like if I don't make the right decision, so essentially I'm trying to find the best decision That'll cause that'll make me have the least amount of risk and make me feel the least amount of pain so because we fear Feeling pain or or having that Disappointment or making the wrong decision because we think that there's a right decision and a wrong decision That we obsess about what decision to me if I can overthink something and I can find the best possible Decision that will cause me the least amount of pain that will make me feel happy because I don't know how to deal with the thoughts and feelings I'm gonna have if I feel disappointment if I have a letdown if I quote don't make the right decision and fail at something So I haven't learned that everything happens for a reason I haven't fully accepted that there's no wrong decisions that can be made because every decision Whether it's a good feeling decision and leads me in a direction where I feel good Or if it leads me in a direction where I feel pain that I had to feel both of those feelings in order to continue on my journey So when we come from those places of not understanding those theories in life And that's that's how life works. It really comes down to We weren't taught how to manage our feelings and our emotions we weren't taught how to honor those negative emotions those feelings of Uncomfortableness because our parents didn't know how to do that for us So they couldn't teach us that kind of stuff and that those feelings are perfectly fine, and they need to happen Just like we need to experience joy and laughter and happiness and contentment We also need to feel those uncomfortable feelings as well because that's life and it's gonna happen So when we fear those things when we are a child and at points in our and growing up in our development We felt out of control, you know Maybe we were in situations where our parents weren't taking care of us the way they should have or they didn't teach us how to manage our emotions and We didn't know what to do. Maybe we were taught that what we think and how we feel was wrong So when all these things start to happen throughout our childhood we fear feeling out of control because we felt it at one point in our childhood and because we were children and we didn't know how to manage that feeling that now becomes our subconscious belief of Needing to obsess about decisions that we make it also comes back to that codependency Whereas if I make the best decision, then I'll feel good about myself people will you know look at me in a certain way Possibly love me that my decisions in life that the love that I received from others and the acceptance that I get from others are determined by the decisions that I made and if I make a wrong decision, I'm Going to possibly feel judged or shamed or guilty or anything that we have possibly felt in our past so in order to have an assumption about Something we have to have had to have experienced already so if I made a decision and I was judged for that decision whether it was wrong or right or good or bad even though There really is no wrong or right or good or bad if I was judged then I'm gonna fear making decisions Because I'm gonna fear getting that judgment and I'm gonna fear getting that shame so when we've been shamed when we've been judged by our family or friends or parents as We're growing up when we come become adults. That becomes our Program that becomes the voice that's in the back of our head is make sure you make a right decision because you're gonna feel judged or you better make a right decision because you're gonna get shamed from someone or you're gonna feel guilt or Whatever emotion that you felt growing up usually it was judgement Now the next reason why people might tend to overthink and some people might disagree with me and that's totally fine But I believe that it also is an addiction So if I'm a fixer I'm people pleaser I'm codependent. Then I need to make the best decisions to make sure everything's okay. And In order for everything to be okay. I have to examine Decisions to make sure this is gonna lead to the outcome that I want, which is everyone loving me No, one being upset with me not really setting boundaries or you know Testing the waters with everyone just kind of coasting So I can overthink I can examine every little aspect of a decision in order to make sure that I am making the right one and when this happens time and time again That okay. I'm gonna obsess about something to make sure I'm making the right decision because I don't want to feel any pain I don't want to get any judgment for a mom or dad or my sister or my friend or whatever Um, and I'm gonna keep going in and I'm already a thinker in general. I'm already creative. I'm already a problem solver I'm already detail-oriented I already am these things and you know, if you tack on that fixer codependent you just now heightened your You know ability to overthink. So if I overtime rehash experiences over and over again and I stay so stuck in my mind that behavior can become addictive it can become the thing that you think is going to help you to feel the least amount of pain and it's this is done on such an Unconscious level a lot of us aren't even aware that were over thinkers. We might have been told by family and friends Oh, you know you're an over-thinker you definitely analyze you know the decisions that you make in life like to be extreme sometimes but To us and the day to day life that we live We don't really even know that we're doing this until we get to the point of utter Exhaustion and not being able to make any decision And I know that's something I have definitely felt where it's almost like I thought about it so much that now I'm even more confused than when I originally started even thinking about making a decision on something and that's extremely Frustrating so if you have ever been there where you feel completely exhausted By something and now you don't even know really what to do You know definitely comment down below because I would love to hear the feedback on that But I know I have definitely felt that in the past and it was because I just overthought it I went too deep with something I tried to find the best possible You know Scenario and what it would look like and how it would feel and when I should do it and how it would look I became So obsessed about all little details on something That it cause it just debilitated me and if it didn't debilitate me, it could possibly cause anxiety. It definitely causes stress And so learning why we are this way and then also learning these tips I'm about to share with you will really help you to kind of break this habit because it is a habit It is addictive and it's something that you 100% can stop doing you just have to first be able to acknowledge when you are doing it and it can be as something as simple as Should I buy frozen frozen peas? Should I should I buy canned peas? Should I buy a red sweater? Should I buy a cream sweater? Should I go to the restaurant tonight or go and go out with my friends, or should I stay home? I mean it can be the smallest of decisions. So there's a couple tips I'm gonna give you to help you to stop overthinking but one of the first things that I have to say is you have got to be patient with yourself Everything that I talk about on this channel learning how to love yourself practicing help that healthy and positive self-talk You know learning how to parent yourself really building that self-esteem building that self-worth This is not stuff that happens overnight And for the people that want a quick fix and they say, okay I'm gonna you know do coaching or I'm gonna watch videos and I don't want to feel as them anymore I really want to change my life. That's Amazing, but you have to keep that momentum up. You have to keep that patience with yourself up You have to keep this up in terms of a practice because that's what it is It's something that you're gonna do for the rest of your life the more you do something the easier it gets but it's always going to be something that is going to be a part of your day to day life just like People that work out regularly that is a part of their day to day life. It's it's like showering to them It's like eating breakfast in the morning. It just needs to happen day in and day out and that's what especially my coaching That's what this is about This is about you creating a different version of yourself a healthier version of yourself Incorporating habits that you need to have in order for you to build that confidence build that self-esteem so you can have great relationships So you can go after the job you want but all this stuff takes time So that's just my little rant right there but the first thing is you have to practice staying in the moment and This sounds extremely simple right this whole live in the moment. Like let's be in the moment. Let's be mindful of this moment right here But if you are if you are an over-thinker That means you're a deep thinker that means you enjoy thinking so the aspect of spirituality It's the moment and mindfulness All of that is stuff that you're you're equipped to handle you're equipped to understand There are some people that really can't go there spiritually They can't really I don't want to say they can't everyone can they don't want to practice being in this moment? so if you're struggling with overthinking One of the things for me that I stopped that I started doing was I said okay in this moment What decision do I want to make and the first answer that came up was always the answer that I went with I said Okay, whatever comes up is the answer that's gonna be true for me now There's a difference between an answer coming up. That is your truth and an answer that's coming up. That's fear and You will know when that fear comes up So I had a client recently say that she takes a class at her gym I think it was maybe a boxing class or something like that She takes a workout class and she always goes with her friend and her friend Couldn't go this week, and she really wanted to go but she doesn't like to go to the gym by herself She gets ynx anxious. She overthinks the situation, you know worries. What are people thinking? Everyone's looking at me all of those obsessive thoughts that we sometimes think so I asked her Okay, your friend can't go with you, but do you want to go and she said yes, but she knew that by saying Yes that she was gonna have to push herself out of her comfort zone and go by herself and not go with the comfort and the security of her friend and I said Here's the thing If you actually do this for yourself and push yourself I don't care if in the middle of the class you get an anxiety attack You need to be able to have that inner dialogue You need to be able to self parent yourself through every single thought through the thoughts that you're having as you're driving there the thoughts that you have when you walk in the door and the first person Looks at you and smiles the thoughts when you're actually in the class and you're focusing on what the instructor is doing But now your mind starts wandering into those obsessive thoughts and that overthinking you have to be able to parent yourself through each aspect of that situation of that experience of that that night and if you do this you will build that muscle and it is so important so When she her initial thought was fear and she came up with some excuses on why She would probably not be able to handle the situation and of course You know, I coached her through it and we broke down like all of the fears and everything like that but in order to really stop yourself from overthinking you have to be in the moment and you have to be able to Parent yourself through these decisions that come up So if I say do I want a red sweater or a cream sweater and I say hmm? Okay. Well, I like red No, you need to just say what's the first thing that comes to your mind? So if an answer came up that felt like fear you will know because you will feel it in your body You won't feel light. You won't feel happy. You won't feel excited about the decision You're about to make you'll feel a little tensed. You'll feel a little worried. That's your fear So the next thing is obsessing about a situation so if we're obsessing about a past relationship If we're obsessing about an interaction with someone You know Suzy said this and I should have said this and we get so caught up in that Dialogue inside of our minds of what happened or what should have happened or what I wish would have happened So it's great to like self reflect and look at a situation Especially I past relationship and say okay, you know, what? What could I have done better? What did this person do that? kind of got me got under my skin or pushed a button and where could I have kind of rose up and and Maybe where I would do something different, you know in next time going forward But when we become obsessed is when we are seeking answers that we may never get and for me when I started Accepting that there are just some questions that you won't get answers to and that that's okay that that's okay That I don't actually even need the answer to that question because if I obsess so much about say a Relationship and I'm trying to figure out the whys and why did this happen? And why did she do this or why did he do that? And I get so caught up in my head that I lose perspective on myself in that situation So it doesn't matter what someone else did especially it's a past relationship in a relationship. That's end Ended you can't obsess so much about what that person did you need to obsess about yourself what you did in the situation and how you can do things better going forward and learn how to just self reflect on yourself and not worry about Obsessing about everyone else and what everyone else is doing and why they're doing it people do crazy things People say crazy things people have their own wounds People are carrying their own baggage and you can't obsess about someone else's baggage or wounds You just need to worry about your own and learning how to heal them and learning how to deal with them yourself So the last tip that I want to give and this is something that can definitely help if you're having anxiety it can definitely help if you're having a panic attack for sure and that is using your senses Sensors senses. That's my New England accent your senses to help you to stop the thoughts So if you have ever had a severe anxiety attack or possibly a panic attack your that obsessive thought is literally going 100 miles an hour now and now it's caused your body to Tense up to react, you know, you have all of this Adrenalin rushing in your system, which cop is causing you to have your piece, you know Sweaty hands and you're sweating and you just aren't feeling the anxiety. So in order to kind of like cut that obsessiveness in that moment, and that's why this is good for anxiety and panic attacks because in those moments It's very hard to say Okay, I'm just gonna be in the moment and I'm not gonna be obsessive about that and I'm gonna go with my gut instinct I mean that's very very hard to do. You almost have to do something to shock yourself in order for you to stop yourself from? Having that attack or having that panic attack and this technique is really really good and it's using your senses So one of the things that you could do is you can run your hands underwater So if you run your hands underwater what you do in that moment is just obsess About your hands being under the water. So I'm washing my hands and putting them under the water. I'm feeling the water How warm is the water? You know thinking about what it feels like on your hand getting so in the moment of just washing your hands Maybe put some soap on okay and talking. This is the stuff that you're saying to yourself So you're talking to yourself about washing your hands? Mm. What does that smell like? Oh that soap smells really good. Okay, this water feels really good and yep, I can feel it I can oh I can hear what's going on next door and I just hear that bird chirping right now and I smell that my neighbor's baking brownies and you become obsessed with Having an inner dialogue with what is going on around you and what you're feeling what you're hearing what you're seeing So, you know, maybe you're saying okay. I see this computer in front of me and it's black and it's brown Oh, look, there's a blue little tag right there. Oh, look, there's something on the side that's coming out You become your comma your inner dialogue and you can say this in your head You can say it out loud if you're alone is you becoming obsessed with what's going on and that kind of cuts The thought of what you were actually obsessing about and you start actually being in the moment So when I'm in the moment, I'm just thinking about what is happening right now in my experience I'm not thinking about something that's happened in the past. I'm not worried about the future I'm not worried about a decision that I might have to make right in the next Day or so or whatever but in this moment, do I have to make a decision right now? No, I don't so in order for me to stop obsessing about it using this technique is really really powerful and like I said, It definitely helps with anxiety attacks. It definitely helps with panic attacks do this for as long as it takes for you to feel calm Because and here's the thing. There's nothing weird about Talking to yourself. You are your own best friend and it doesn't matter if you're verbally talking to yourself. Okay? Look at that computer right there. Yep. That's nice. Oh, look. I have a watch on okay, it feels nice. It doesn't matter if you're Actually speaking to yourself out loud while you're by yourself, or if you're just I mean you're doing it in your head Anyways, you're always talking to yourself So what difference does it make and this technique really really helps? But you can't judge yourself and you have to just be super super focused in the moment on using those senses So, I hope that that has helped you guys. I for me these were definitely tips that helped me a lot But again it they practice so be gentle with yourself throughout this entire process If you have enjoyed this video, don't forget to give it a thumbs up If you have any questions or comments, please link them down below. I will be doing a live later on this week So if you guys have any questions that you want me to answer on the live again You can just leave link those down below and don't forget to subscribe and I will see you next week
