Hey guys welcome back to my channel I am so excited about this week's video if you're new to my channel my name is Stephanie I'm a life and relationship coach and each week. I post videos ranging from narcissistic abuse emotional abuse learning how to Love yourself for the first time learning how to heal from a past relationship and move on in a healthy way so This week's video I want to talk about that feeling of like being stuck in an abusive relationship So you're in this relationship, and you just feel stuck It's like you know you need to leave But you can't leave maybe you have left before and you just keep going back and forth with this person you're on the hamster wheel And you know you're on the wheel and you just can't get off of get off of the wheel so for this week's video I want to talk about trauma bonding and really why we can't seem to get off that hamster wheel why at times we are stuck when logically we know we should not be in this relationship and really just how to Stop this abusive cycle kind of once and forever for you So if you definitely resonate with these types of videos and all of the videos that I put out Please don't forget to Like and subscribe down below if you are interested in doing any one-on-one coaching with me I will link all of that information Below as well but let's get right into this week's video so one of the reasons why I wanted to touch on this topic this week was because I think understanding why we're Energetically connected to people why we have this trauma bond Why we seem to not be able to just leave this relationship I mean this goes way beyond you know afraid of being alone? or a fear of the unknown Or having some insecurities within our own selves and has a little it has a lot to do with those things But really the reasons why we can stay stuck for so many years for so long in relationships that we know are not good for us that we know the Relationship needs to end like I said logically we know all of these things But for some reason we just can't do it so one of the things that I want to really stress Right in the beginning of this video is I? Don't want anyone to watch this video that can relate to this topic and immediately start judging yourself This video and this topic is not about you judging yourself for things that you didn't do in the past This is about learning why you probably did those things and hopefully gaining a lot of insight to Move on in a healthy way and maybe getting unstuck from you know this relationship So I do not want you to judge yourself. I do not want you to shame yourself This is not about the coulda shoulda woulda. This is not about looking back in hindsight You know saying I saw intuitively I felt something about this person, and I didn't listen to myself and really beating yourself up and getting down on yourself because When you know better you do better so your knowing better You're learning, and even if intuitively you have those vibes going on early with this person And you didn't listen to them you weren't maybe equipped to listen to them so this isn't about blaming yourself or judging yourself So I just wanted to get that straight out of the way so we can get into really the Nitty Gritty of Why you're so stuck in this relationship? So what is trauma bonding when we have relationships aren't we all know bonding in general? You know a mother and a child Bonding skin to skin we bond with everyone that we have a relationship with so when we share lives together when we share experiences together when we share love and trust and sex and intimacy and conversation and children and marriage etc etc I can go on and on when we share life with other people we are bonding with them So all of those things are reasons that we become bonded with another person now who we choose to Bond with is a different story so if we are not Healthy and if we are not whole and if we don't know how to love ourselves If we don't know how to pick the people in our lives that are good for us Then we are going to bond with people that are abusive and unhealthy And toxic and really really bad for us we might have internal wounds that we haven't healed or dealt with those wounds those wounds are ultimately choosing who we bond with and It'll probably end up being someone who is abusive and unhealthy so the bonding process whether it's a trauma bond or whether it's just Bonding in general is a biological process that happens and because it's something that's kind of out of our control So to speak it makes leaving a relationship really difficult because we have shared Intimacy with the person we have shared an experience with this person we have a shared life with this person we have Bonded with this person that then it becomes difficult to kind of break away from that and again if we haven't learned how to create That bubble we haven't learned how to have healthy Standards if we haven't learned what healthy relationships should look like and how they should feel like then we're going to bond with people that we should not be bonding with and Regardless of who we bond with it's always difficult to break that bond So your body doesn't know when it's linking with someone that this person is unhealthy I mean it'll tell you in different ways intuitively You know you'll get vibes, and you might have symptoms, but I'll get into that later on but you're bonding And it's you you're not able to tell really whether or not someone is good or bad for you You're just gonna bond regardless now a trauma bond is when we're bonding with someone who is Unhealthy for us who is abusive who is toxic and our s-- assistant whatever you want to say someone That is not good for us, and the trauma is what happens over time So when we're emotionally abused when we're narcissistically abuse. It is not like sexual abuse. It is not like physical abuse It doesn't just happen one time and you were abused in an instant in one instant It is a gradual thing that happens over time so the trauma of a long time of you know Gaslighting and manipulation and shaming and being passive-aggressive and all of these different Tactics that the abuser has used on you over a long period of time creates trauma now the other factor for trauma bonding has to do with the blueprint like we have kind of touched on earlier the blueprint of what you deem a Relationship to look like now this blueprint was created in childhood it has been programmed into your subconscious So your parents the people that raised you the people that have the most influence on you you as a child witnessing these Relationships and again they don't have to be Severely abusive where you know there's hitting and there's beating and there's drinking and all of these things We've been just programmed and taught that abuse only looks like that But you know mommy being passive-aggressive to dad all the time our dad manipulating mom and you know mom being a narcissist Narcissist and a being a codependent. That's abuse right there so even though mom and dad aren't raging alcoholics that are beating each other They're still abusing each other in different ways Emotionally, and you witness that as a child so your blueprint is That this is what a normal relationship looks like now as you get older logically You know Oh mommy probably shouldn't have done that to dad a dad shouldn't have done that to mom But it's all you've ever known It's all you've ever seen so it becomes part of your blueprint and unless you are mindful of what your blueprint looks like Then you won't be able to really ever change it so when you grow up with abuse You in the back of your mind and your subconscious Way deep inside you have actually built up a tolerance for abuse so that's why when we don't know these things when we're not aware that this is what our blueprint looks like and we go out and we start dating and We meet someone we're dating them, and we see these red flags or we start seeing this abuse over time We don't have the self love within ourselves to say okay That's abuse, and I'm not going to tolerate that we don't love ourselves enough to know that that's not okay And I don't deserve that we don't know how to stand up for ourselves We don't know how to set boundaries, and if we know how to set boundaries We don't know how to enforce them when that abuser crosses the line between respect and disrespect So I want to go over a couple of things symptoms really of how you can know whether or not you're experiencing a trauma bond and one of the Like I said early on is that feeling of feeling stuck. It's like logically. You know you should not be in this relationship You know that this person is abusive they do things all the time that are hurtful and abusive to you And you just keep taking it and for some reason you go back and forth and back and for another Really big symptom of trauma bonding is when your family and friends See the difference in you You know they see that you're not the person that you once were or they see that you've kind of lost that Spark that used to have about life, and you're not as excited and happy as you used to be you know Maybe your personality has changed a little bit And this is when your family and friends Really have seen things in your partner and are asking you like why are you with this person like you deserve so much better When these things start happening again, this isn't a definite you're in a trauma bonding situation But these are all symptoms of trauma bonding and one of the absolute biggest Symptoms of trauma bonding is you believing that this person is a good person? now when trauma happens when abuse happens again it happens over time so you're dealing with emotional abuser if you're dealing with a narcissist you have seen glimpses of an amazing human being you have seen love-bombing You have seen them being the person that you fell in love with and then that person goes away And then that person comes back and that person is so Inconsistent that they're actually showing you that they're really not that good person that you think that they are but because you're Projecting what you want to see in this person or what you hope to see or what you you know? Want to see someday or even that belief of you know I think this person is a good person like I know that It's gonna come back and it's gonna be what it once was you have this hope in this like You know faith and desire in this person that really now is showing you They're not that person so when I think that that's a hard pill to swallow for a lot of people because when they're in Relationships, and they've seen this amazing human being the person that they fell in love with It's hard at times To accept that that person wasn't real that maybe that person wasn't real that maybe it was just a mask you know But maybe they were just love bombing you and and it was all manipulation, and it's again. It's a tough pill to swallow it's a hard pill to swallow and I'm I'm gonna bet that you're a Really good person that likes to believe the best in people and while that's an amazing quality to have You know we don't want to walk around life and just think everyone is toxic Everyone is a narcissist everyone has an agenda like we don't want to walk around life thinking those things But we also don't want to walk around Thinking that everyone is a good person and just because you see a little glimpse of someone that's kind of nice that that just means that they're the nicest person in the world and that they're so loving and then and when they haven't even proven that to you and It's not easy to do when you are Bonded with someone when you have had a relationship with this person you've been intimate you've been married you've shared kids you shared 30 years together or Whatever the situation is even if it's only been a year or six months or what have you it's not easy to accept The person that's now in front of you, and I'm I'm not trying to downplay this at all I just want you to understand that you're believing This person is good when they're showing you that they're not that person and you have to believe what you see you know It's that quote when people show you who they are believe them, and when you love yourself And you know what the standard is to be in your life you hold people to a very high standard And that not anyone You know you don't just trust any every single person that comes along you don't just give yourself to every single person that you date Or meet that you don't project what you want and your Fantasies on someone else you allow someone to show you who they are and then you get to decide whether or not this person fits the model of a partner or a Husband or a wife or a girlfriend or a family member or sister and again, this isn't about looking for perfection It's about just saying like what what is the bare minimum to be in my life? And I think that that's something that a lot of us don't often do we just kind of take whatever comes along because we never were taught how to love ourselves we were never taught that it's perfectly acceptable to have standards and When someone doesn't meet your standards then they might need to leave your life one of the most important things to understand about Trauma bonding is it very much is like a drug addiction so your body your hormones chemicals Everything inside of you is going to experience is going to go through the same things that it would go to if you were addicted To a drug you're gonna get the highs you're gonna get the lows You you know when you having those lows and that person's pulling away? And you're just you're just you just keep at it You just keep having faith that this person is a good person you keep going back for more You know that saying of when it's good. It's great when it's bad It's terrible that always happens in these types of relationships, and when you know you're experiencing a trauma bond it's when you know that I constantly feel this I Constantly feel up and down and when I feel low it's like I just want to be near that person because I know that person Is a good person I know that it's there And you just keep going back for more so you have to understand that this is way beyond You just having a bond with someone This is now Like a drug addiction and in order to break that addiction You have to accept that this is not going to be easy so how do we really stop this abusive cycle? How do we stop this trauma bond one of the first things is like I just said acceptance you have to accept that This is an addiction you have to accept that you have been an abusive relationship You have to accept that the person you are with or you're trying to escape from or and the relation from They are not who you think they are that person doesn't exist anymore whether they are in our sophistic Whether they are emotionally abusive. Whether they are highly manipulative. It doesn't really matter Essentially the character that they were playing is no longer You know running the show anymore that mask has fallen off in now they're showing really either who they really are or just their own damage and that they have within themselves and You're seeing all of this play out in front of you so accepting that this that it's time for this relationship to end accepting that you are Addicted on some level to the pain to the back and forth and that this process is going to be tough It doesn't mean that it can't happen and that you can escape this relationship You absolutely can because whenever you think that you're in the worst situation possible just know that there's someone that's been through something harder than you and That's not I'm not saying that to make you feel bad I'm saying it to give you to encourage you to motivate you to make you understand that you're capable of leaving this relationship And you're capable of far more than you give yourself credit for so the next thing is you have to decide that you want to be happy you are now making the decision that I want to be happy and Being happy means I need to leave this relationship And you need to be able in order to be happy you have to Do the work and so many people will come to me, and they'll say I just want to be happy again I don't want to be in this relationship And at a certain point you have to stop making all of the Excuses and you have to define what does happiness look like in my life do I want a new job Do I you know want to change my look? Do I want to just live a peaceful life? Do I want to just be single for a while do I want to get married again someday? You have to really just define what is happiness to you and start making small steps every single day to do the work within yourself to heal all the Wounds that you know you need to heal from to start learning how to love yourself? Do the affirmations do meditations learn the tips and tricks that work best for you? You know what works for me may not work for you but you have to be able to Try different things in order to help your own Self-confidence learn how to love yourself help your own self-worth you need to learn What are the standards for relationships in my life? What what do I what are the standards for someone being in my life? Do I even have any and you have to how to start being selfish to put yourself first to? Learn how to heal that codependency within your and within yourself you have to do the work You can't just live every single day and not put in any time and effort to develop Yourself to work on yourself to love yourself. This is a journey this type of work Healing from these things. You know I have so many clients who are very very successful Entrepreneurs, you know they make a lot of money, they're really successful in their jobs And they all say the same thing It was it's harder to do this inner work to learn how to love myself and deal with these emotional issues than it was to have this amazing career that I have or make all of this money that I have and I think Les Brown says it he's a Motivational speaker if you've never heard of him definitely go check him out. He's absolutely amazing but He oh I think this is him I'm not even quite sure now, but he always would say you know the easiest thing I did was make a million dollars But what it took to get there was the hardest thing next thing is Don't get discouraged in this process. You know you leaving this relationship, it takes time Don't get discourage if you slip up and you text your partner your ex-partner or whatever? Or if you call them or whatever don't get discouraged through this process because this process is difficult. You're you're addicted you're breaking an addiction right now and But I think when people get so overwhelmed With leaving a relationship like this and having this trauma bond with this person They get overwhelmed because I think they look at the overall goal. Okay. I want to leave this person. Oh my god What is it gonna take for me to get there? Oh my god? I need to move out I need to get a job because I'm financially dependent on this person. Oh my god There are kids involved and what's gonna happen now And now I'm not gonna see my children as much and you know What's gonna happen to my finances where am I gonna live and you know maybe? I'm not gonna ever find anyone ever again and my clock is ticking and I want to have babies soon or All of these things and when you start running through all of the things that could go wrong and all the things that you need to do to get away from this person it becomes very overwhelming and that's when we get the anxiety that's when we stay stuck and Instead of saying okay? I'm leaving this relationship, and I'm gonna take it moment to moment I'm gonna have the conversation with this person, and I'm gonna end it and I've had this conversation 50 or 60 times And I've cried wolf, and they know that I keep coming back, but this time I mean it and every time I find myself wanting to go back. I'm gonna love myself. I'm gonna parent myself I'm gonna sit with myself on a lonely Tuesday And I have no plans and nothing going on and I don't have my kids and that's depressing, but I'm gonna love myself And I'm gonna learn how to deal with it I'm gonna learn how to take care of myself when you live in these small moments when you say okay My first step is I need to find a job okay, my first step is I need to have this conversation with my spouse Okay, my first step is I need to tell this person that they're not coming to my house no more And I need to change the locks or whatever the situation is taking those small steps and living moment to moment That is where happiness actually lies And that's when you realize you're stronger than you think you are because you're not worried about Everything and how you're gonna handle everything because even the strongest person that is an overwhelming feeling But instead you're just living moment to moment you're not getting discouraged. You know I'm getting down into yourself You're just supporting yourself and loving yourself You're treating yourself as if this was your best friend going through this process and know that while yes This might be difficult, and I might have setbacks I'm going to see this through because I deserve to be happy I deserve to have an amazing relationship I deserve to have you know peace and contentment And this relationship is nothing When I'm looking for and it's time for the relationship to end as hard as it is as Painful as it's going to be I think when you go through something Traumatic in life when you go through something hard in life like a divorce like a painful breakup And you learn about yourself, and you learn about why was I attracted to this person? Why am I now in this trauma bond? Why am I now addicted to this pain when you start unraveling all that stuff while it seems scary at times? It's really not it Actually allows you to better Understand yourself and allows you to learn and grow and to learn new skills that you didn't learn growing up that you should have learned And it allows you to be a better version of yourself for the next person and for yourself So you can create the life that you really want to live so again I hope this has helped you guys if you enjoy this video. Please give it a thumbs up Don't forget to leave any questions or comments down below. I always enjoy reading them Thank you guys so much for all of your support, and if you are interested in following me on social media I will link that down below as well, and I will see you next week
