- Hey everybody, I know we have talked about being in a relationship
with a narcissist, how to know if our parent is a narcissist and so much more about narcissism. But you keep asking me for is
to talk about how we can heal from the abuse we sustained
from those relationships. So that's what we're gonna do today. We're gonna talk about
the five ways you can heal from narcissistic abuse and today's video is
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topic, if you didn't know, being in any type of relationship
with a narcissist means that we could have been
gaslit, manipulated, put down and made to
think that any bad thing that was happening was our fault. And that's just to name a few of the ways we could have been harmed. Obviously, this type of abuse can leave us
wondering, what happened? Thinking where to blame
and possibly struggling to know who we are. And it leaves us feeling traumatized. The best way to move past
this and begin to heal is to go limited or no contact
with the narcissist. I know that that can be hard and we can feel really bad about doing it, but remember all the
situations where they lied, manipulated or neglected
you and stay the course. It does get easier with time. Now regardless of what
our relationship was like, or the amount of abuse we were exposed to, I want to offer five ways that we can heal and get our life back after ending the unhealthy relationship. Number one, acknowledging
that the abuse happened. When we've been gaslit or
manipulated for awhile, we can start to believe that
we made all the abuse up or that it was our fault
that it even happened. We can even think that we
were just exaggerating things or being too sensitive. Whatever we were told
by her abuser can start to slowly weigh on us and we can begin to agree with them and
end up internalizing it. Meaning that we accept it as fact, or like thinking that it's our own belief by acknowledging that it was
abuse, that we sustained, we not only shed light on what happened, but also recognize that how we
felt originally was correct. One way to start acknowledging the abuse is to journal about our past experiences, you knew it was coming. Talk about what happened,
what we remember, what they said to us about it, and then talk about this in therapy. Sometimes if we write
things out, as we remember, and then talk to someone
and talk them through it, we can recall certain
parts of the situation that were hurtful, abusive,
or even manipulative. Your therapist can help shine
a light on some of that. But in my experience, even
telling someone out loud, what happened, gives
us another perspective. And while we can second guess
if we're remembering it right, we will start to see that
maybe we weren't fully to blame or it's possible that
it didn't happen the way that they said it did. This entire process can help
us validate our feelings and experiences and
hopefully help us see outside of the abuse and lies that we were told. I know it's hard, but keep writing, thinking and talking about
it because remember hurtful and abusive things only grow stronger in the dark and secret. Shedding light on them and
speaking about them out loud, 'causes them to lose their power. It's really hard at first, but trust me, when I tell you that it
is so freeing and healing. Next, we have to grieve or mourn the loss. And I know this may sound crazy, but even abusive relationships
are still relationships. And when they're gone or lost, we can feel really sad about it. People assume that just
because abuse took place, we must hate them or be angry. But often we just feel sad, we miss them, and maybe we still love them. Even though we know that it's
best that we aren't together in a relationship and
ignoring these feelings, isn't gonna make us feel any better, but allowing ourselves to feel the loss and grieve all that we had hoped the relationship
could be is helpful. Not to mention that
narcissists can love bomb us, which can make us feel
intensely, cared about and loved. We can get overwhelmed by
the amount of attention and affection they're showing us. And we can start imagining just how wonderful of a love story or friendship this is gonna be. All of these dreams and beliefs that we had need to be grieved. So know that it's okay to miss them, wish things were different. And to still love them, just don't forget why it ended and that you are better off without them. And the abuse that they come along with, we could also maybe need
to grieve the loss of who we were before the abuse happened. Many of my patients have
felt like something was taken from them when they were abused and they hate that it's tainted the way that they look at the world and relationships in general. Allow yourself the time to grieve that recognize what you feel
you've lost and consider. If there are ways that
you can get that back. And if not, process that loss and upset. I know this part is really hard
and we can want to run away from all that we feel but
trust me when I tell you, it's actually better for us. If we let the grief come on now and have our therapist
support us through it, rather than stuffing it down
now and having it pop up later, when we're maybe dealing
with something else. Overall, I just want you to know that however you feel during this time, it's okay, this is your recovery process. And it's okay to feel a whole
mix of emotions about it. The third step is to break past patterns. And I know, easier said than done. But in order for us to not get back into another abusive relationship or ended up meshed with someone later on, we're gonna have to
break those patterns now. And the first part of this
is to start recognizing some of the patterns of behavior that we have in our relationships. This could be us recognizing
our struggle to place and uphold boundaries with others, or maybe our constant need for approval. It can even be our difficulty in admitting when a relationship isn't good. And we keep hoping that
they'll prove us wrong and we give them way more
chances than they deserve while we try to figure
out these patterns know that it's okay to need to lean on our therapist for guidance with this. It can be hard to know
what's healthy or not when we've been under a
narcissist spell for so long. So let them help you figure
out what you're doing as a result of the past abuse and guide you towards a healthier way of having relationships. It will be uncomfortable at first, but know that when we've been
in an abusive relationship for a long time, it's best that we're a
little bit uncomfortable. Doing this takes time, but it's important and
can help keep us out of another harmful relationship. And I do believe that
it's best to do this work when we're single and not
starting any new relationships, whether that be friendships
or romantic ones, it allows us to see things
more clearly when we're single and make better decisions early
on in those relationships. My fourth step is to heal from the trauma. I don't know who needs to hear this, but narcissistic abuse is
a traumatic experience. When someone we care about hurts
us physically, emotionally, or sexually it is going to take time and effort to process
through what happened and heal from it. Finding a mental health professional to help us put what
happened into a timeline or story as well as
help us talk it through and validate all we felt and went through is really
important right now. And I know it's hard
work and it can feel slow and be really frustrating
at times, but stick with it. Whether it's adding on
EMDR, trauma-focused CBT, schema therapy, or any other
style of trauma therapy, get in it and keep at it
because with proper support, it can and will get better. And finally, number
five, reclaim yourself. Being ourselves wasn't allowed for so long but it can take us some time to figure out who we
are without someone else calling all the shots. It's finally okay to do what we want. Say no to things we are
interested in and just be us. And that can be hard at first. We may not know who we
are or what we want. Talk this out with your therapist, try new things and push yourself to start making small decisions. Maybe like what or where to eat. Don't ask anyone else for their input, make that decision on your own. And making these small decisions will help build up our confidence, make us feel good about
what we're doing and slowly but surely we can begin
making bigger decisions without anyone else's say so. And before we know it, we'll have a better idea of what we like and don't like have experiences
to support those beliefs and start to get to know ourselves in an honest and loving way. I know it's hard to break free
from any abusive relationship and narcissistic ones can
be particularly difficult, especially because they try to
tell us that we're to blame, gaslight us so that we don't think we can trust our own memories or thoughts, and they never apologize
for what they've done. But give these tips of try, continue to go limited or no
contact with the narcissist. And trust me when I tell you
that your life will get better. And as always, if you have any other tips that you wanna share or offer up, or you think I missed something important, please let me know in
those comments down below. And I will see you next time, bye. (upbeat music)
