My wife thinks I couldn’t be attracted to her and therapist agreed

[Music] married a little over two years after dating a very short time around three months we meet at a work event and i was immediately smitten with my wife it was like out of movie i saw her chatting with a group of people and in my head i heard oh there she is she was newly divorced and took some convincing on my part but we have been together from that night on and get along extremely well now for clarity i'm extremely attracted to my wife we may just still be in the honeymoon stage but i've never felt this way about another women and the casualts pertains to the conversation we had today with her therapist i would say the majority of the population would find her attractive and not in a niche way she is objectively attractive i feel we are evenly matched in looks very few people have noticed the slight age difference she however wins in personality outgoing and charming and she makes about 3x as much money as i do a couple months ago we ran into an ex of mine and by x we literally dated for maybe a month and never exclusive after my wife mentioned how different they were age hair color body type btc and it ended in a pretty heated argument we have had three quarters conversation since all of which i was trying to convince my wife i'm not going to leave her for a woman i dated years ago last week she asked if i would go to her therapist with her today and i agreed she has been seeing her for about eight years for anxiety and a bout of depression that happened before we meet today started normal enough and i had figured why we were there so i just jumped into it thinking the therapist would be on my side and would help me calm my wife's fears that's not what happened the therapist did very little talking although their long silences and no inglances started to piss me off right away the thing that stood out to me the most was how my wife reiterated how she doesn't see how i would be attracted to her and the therapist didn't even disagree like i felt like a crazy person my wife is beautiful charming funny it feels like i wished her into existence she brought up the age difference seven years my looks and how quickly i wanted to get married is all reasons for why i'm basically a gold digger first off we both wanted to get married quickly i asked and figured she would want a long engagement but she didn't so we got married second i never even discussed money with her until after we were married and never dreamed she made so much more than i do she said she doesn't think i'm after her money but enjoy the lifestyle while i'm with her and it makes it easier to pretend i'm attracted to her sorry more attracted to her like i play it up i'm completely blindsided and don't really want to talk to my family or friends it's humiliating being accused of marrying someone for a lifestyle for clarity i moved into her house i rent out my old home but that income just covers the mortgage in the company that manages it all our money goes into a joint checking with automatic transfers into savings etc our bills are paid from that account i looked at our bank account and i spent significantly less than she does each month on average after leaving i'm in a complete panic that she is going to leave me even though i feel humiliated and love her so much i immediately wanted to offer to sign a print up or separate bank accounts or both but i just froze my wife seemed so sad and i'm so frustrated i didn't even do anything wrong the women i've dated in my past don't have a similar type and to be honest i didn't really date more like hook up for a few months then moved on i love my wife she is the first women i have ever met that i have had a real partnership with like we were a team and now that's all gone i don't feel like i have the strength to leave her it scares me that i can't even envision a scenario where i would leave she is my most favorite person how do i rebuild trust when i don't feel i ever did anything to lose it edit my wife didn't come home last night but i texted her this morning first apologizing for leaving the session and then asking her to come home so we could formulate a plan no word back yet but i doubt she will check her phone before lunch if she went to work thanks for letting me vent i've already asked my insurance company to send a list of counsellors for me to call later today hopefully i will find a good fit as i don't even know how to go about picking one edit two i need a referral from my general doctor before insurance will cover a therapist psychologist i have an emergency phone appointment monday and will be in seeing someone by myself my wife didn't return my text but did come home about an hour later honestly i cried for the first time in a long time but was able to get across how seriously i take her concerns i haven't mentioned anything about her therapist or my feelings about things just apologized and asked for another chance to hear her out completely she said she was really drained and is taking a nap i don't think she made it into work and i'm actually looking forward to having the weekend to talk i'm not going to ask for couples counseling until i talk to my own therapist this is probably it unless i duck things up this weekend thanks for letting me type out my feelings and being honest even the hard comments were helpful despite my hyperbole title i received a lot of feedback on my last post and thought i would thank everyone again and do an update talk with wife during last weekend i was made aware of a lot of things i was doing to compound my wife's fear of being abandoned slash used the major thing that stuck out to me was my immaturity and unwillingness to discuss anything serious when my wife would bring up her ex-husband finances in particular i would a make a joke or be try and end the conversation as soon as possible i'm not sure why it just made me uncomfortable and didn't see the value of discussing things that weren't a major problem to me i was happy and my needs were being met so i assumed hers were too it was my most damaging mistake another misunderstanding happened with my ex in my mind it was a quick five-minute conversation to my wife it was much more so about six months ago i injured my knee running i had been up to that point a pretty serious low mileage runner five slash 10 miles three times a week after the injury my doctor suggested i try weight lifting as i was worried about physical therapy not being enough well i hired a personal trainer and have been a gym rat ever since it's become a serious hobby that i apparently obsessively talk about i have invited my wife who occasionally does yoga several times and even talked about getting her a membership for christmas even though she showed no interest so when we ran into my ex and i noticed she looked significantly different she put on about 10 pounds of muscle i complimented her and we talked about weightlifting for a few minutes while my wife stood to the side my ex told me to add her on instagram which while i did look her up to at her her page was mostly advertising supplements so i didn't end up doing it my wife took this chance running as proof that i was unhappy with the way she looked and was trying to get her to change add in some harsh comments from one of our coworkers about our relationship her sister pushing for a print up and my lack of communication everything came to a head these last few months my therapist the most helpful advice was to get my own personal therapist i kind of just picked one from a list my provider emailed me but it seems to be going well a lot of things were discussed but my major takeaway was that it isn't my job to calm my wife's fears completely listening and being reassuring is healthy but trying to make everything better won't help either of us my therapist said even if i tried my wife's own voice in her head runs 24 over 7 and i could never keep up this was hard to hear as i have definitely made some major mistakes but besides acknowledging them and doing better everything else is out of my control she recommended a book called the happiness trap that i haven't ordered yet but she said it would help me understand what it's like to have anxiety and may explain not excuse some of my wife's behavior my therapist also said i should look into my wife's therapist as she sounds unlicensed and if i felt comfortable she could put in a complaint on my behalf i will probably do this but i'm letting things settle so after probably the worst two days of my life things seem to be better i haven't brought up a print up because she seemed offended when my wife told me her sister brought one up as a solution i did offer separate bank accounts but she said no and only requested that we update her will and create one for me as i didn't even have one i thought it would be weird but we both put each other as beneficiaries along with her two children if we both died we only filled out the papa work and still have to turn it into her lawyer but it's made a difference but i'm not sure why i did delete my fafsa book i haven't used it for years but when i went on it was very single me lots of old girlfriends holidays etc and i never even updated that i was married i had a notification from my wife when she tried years ago but it just sat there my wife is still fairly active on facebook and i could see how that would feel awful even though she never mentioned it my last update was a picture of a woman and i that i randomly met in hawaii during a vacation i titled it two blondes with hearts like my whole page was embarrassing i can't imagine what her family or friends thought when they found me i was completely public and kind of a d on there i still feel like i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop but honestly there is no other person i would ever want to try this hard for and if i'm becoming a better person for trying it will be worth it no matter the outcome things are still really shaky and she leaves immediately after christmas for work this whole episode has kicked on my anxiety but i'm hopeful so a few months ago my soon to be ex-wife posted about 20 of our story in here and some very worthless advice was given to her i just wanted people to see the outcome of her actions edit i didn't mean for this to sound like i was passing off the blame to read it this post is just me venting the only advice i'm asking for is at bottom of post try to stop focusing on the my new things and look at the bigger picture i don't have any other options because my wife refuses to try marriage counselling and or therapy my wife and i struggled a little for almost three years to get on our feet and partly due to the fact i can't get a decent job and moved around from job to job chasing the higher pace and partially due to the fact that my wife was going through the green card process for over a year and couldn't work so it was whatever crap check i could bring in every week and whatever money she could make online and then when my wife got her green card she refused to apply for standard beginner jobs to help us out because she felt we would just get caught in the trap of working crap jobs and never progressing so she got a temp job that helped out for a few months while i was driving uber and clearing around 500 a week after car expenses we didn't save much money then because we were away from home 12 to 15 hours a day due to the three to five hour commute in nova slash washington dc area so we spent a lot on food we ate out a lot and enjoyed ourselves every chance we got we had movie pers which allowed us to go to the movies like three times a week for only 11 a month or something at the time we went out to dave and busters and had game nights and would go for walks in dc and explore the museums and such her temp job ended and shortly after that uber did a one-year anniversary background check and apparently had changed their policies and said i couldn't drive for them anymore because of the trouble i got into about 10 years prior i vandalized some vending machines when i was 18 and got felonies so screwed for life for that one teenage mistake so we had to turn in the car rental we had been using for over a year i begged natalia to just go right across the street and fill out a nap at cvs or anywhere to help us financially and she still refused i probably should have pressed harder but me being me wanted her to be happy even if that meant we struggled and she's got to see that if she doesn't get a job we are going to struggle i started hitting the job postings and was getting pretty desperate keep in mind that we had no car and i couldn't exactly go apply at cvs i think i went a week or two without work before i got a lead on a really good job that ended up making me wait another two weeks to start but it was worth it got a company car some meals and lodging paid for and all the hours i can work building green houses and my wife got to come with me and even worked a little to help us save money because she wanted to go see her parents she hadn't got to see in over a year because of the green code process so we worked for about four months and in those four months i had maybe three weekends off it was six am till six to seven pm seven days a week for three to six weeks at a time we got caught up on our bills i got some dental work that was needed and we saved six thousand dollar cash for our vacation we went on our month-long vacation to argentina because unhappy struggling people can do this and when it was time to come back i suggested that my wife stay and spend a little more time with her parents since when she came back she would need to get a job so we could start saving to get a house and all the other stuff married couples are supposed to do she was very happy about this and so i came back to the us expecting to work straight through the next two ice months till she came home but when i got back i was told there was no work until february two to three months away so i went back to florida where we moved from for the initial uber job after about a month my wife calls and tells me she may have a job lined up in chicago and is wondering if i think she should take it i told her my concerns won it's more expensive than anywhere we've discussed living two it's a broke state three it's cold like nine months out of the year etc but i agreed because i could tell she really wanted the job it would be her dream career job so she flies to chicago from argentina for the interview and then comes to florida to spend a couple weeks with me but i just end up working the whole time and barely got to see her well she got the job she then leaves me and goes to stay with her parents who are visiting friends in miami i drive down to see her on a weekend and we spend the two days and a night together on the second day i leave little did i know this would be the last time i would see my wife i was supposed to help her go up to chicago and get situated in our new apartment but her parents jumped in and i got pushed to the back banner the plan was for me to stay and save for a car and then come join her up there now we had discussed what job avenue i was going to pursue and we had agreed on a few different solutions we believed would be a good fit for me and we had all this planned out so the day came and i called her to tell her we had the money for the down payment on a new car and that i could finally come join her at this point i had maybe spent two months out of the last six months with my wife so i was missing her pretty bad when i told her that she told me she wasn't sure that was what she wanted or whatever she said at the time then proceeded to tell me that it was for this or that nothing that justifies a divorce she wants time to think about what she wants so at this point in my head over the course of the next week while waiting for my wife to tell me she doesn't want to be with me i'm trying to figure out what the hell i did she continues to use lines like it's me and not you it wouldn't be fair for me to ask you to change i can't help how i feel etc week later she confirms that she doesn't want to be married and she wants a divorce so at this point i'm starting to feel a little used let's look at how it looks i busted my ass for almost three years to make sure every need and one that i could fulfill was fulfilled i about worked myself to death to save six thousand dollars in two months to take her to argentina to see her parents she lands her dream career job in a city across the country from me and when i tell her we are ready to buy a new car so i can go join her she tells me that she doesn't want me there and wants a divorce so at this point i find a post on reddit that had been deleted by her simply by doing a google search pro tip if you put it on the internet it will always be there somewhere you just have to find it and in this post she proceeded to only give 20 of the story she told them that while i was a good guy and treated her perfectly she just felt that because i was a felon i was going to hold her back in life and how she had just got this new career job and yada yada just enough to get people on her side to help her justify in her head that what she's doing is right well judging from how the article was written it feels to me that she thought she could stay and work her dream job after using me to climb there and that's basically what some of the worthless people on reddit told her to do look after yourself etc etc what kind of person tells someone's wife to just leave without trying to fix the problem especially when you know you don't have the whole story so now that the whole story is out there no she will not keep her job she has stipulations on the marriage-based green card to prove it wasn't a fraudulent wedding well at this point it's a pretty straightforward case so not only will she not have her dream career job anymore but now she may have to spend any money she's able to save on a lawyer so hopefully she doesn't go to jail for green curd fraud and then she'll have to go back to the third worst economy in the world but i'm gonna hold her back in life by the way before we even met in person she was told everything about my past so there was nothing hidden so since i need to ask for advice where should i travel in the world first now that my monthly bills went from dollar sign 2500 plus to just 600 a month [Music] [Music] you

Channel: Ask Girl

Views: 32,718

Rating: 4.8994708 out of 5

Keywords: reddit girl, reddit wife, reddit marriage, reddit family, reddit wedding, reddit, r/askreddit, r/, r/ girl, r/ wife, r/ marriage, r/ therapy, r/ therapist, r/ wedding, askreddit girl, askreddit wedding, askreddit therapist, askreddit marriage

Id: bhjVhgh2T7k

Length: 19min 49sec (1189 seconds)

Published: Sun Nov 01 2020