Why Can My Spouse Be so Vulnerable with Their Affair Partner but Not with Me?

you [Music] there are times that I do video blogs that I'm really apprehensive about and then there's times I do video blogs that I'm really excited about today I'm extremely apprehensive but I've had this question presented to me a few times and I had a woman share with me a couple of weeks ago some really heartfelt thoughts that really changed my life and outlook on this video blog and I've had I mean more comments emails tweets YouTube comments then I could ever like imagine was going to happen and I'm so grateful for all of you that take the time to reach out share your thoughts share your story and I felt like I needed to do this video blog it's going to be extremely sensitive and if you're very early on in recovery this may not be a video blog that you want to watch right now however these things need to be said if you are probably somewhere in the neighborhood of five or six months to several years into recovery I think this video blog will give you some thoughts that will help bring some clarity to the mind of the unfaithful spouse which I consider myself an expert in because I have been in unfaithful spouse today's video blog is not to trash harass or provoke or condemn the betrayed spouse it is to provide insight to what we as unfaithful spouses think when they're when we are in the middle of our affair and I have found that when I share those video blogs many betrayed spouses eventually thank me for them because it helps them see the toxicity the depth of pain and hurt and confusion it's just helpful oftentimes for the betrayed to understand what's going through the mind of the unfaithful during different seasons of whether it be unfaithfulness or addiction or right out of ending the affair or all the other different nuances and situations today want to talk to you about why the unfaithful spouse finds that they can be so free and open emotionally and mentally with their a fair partner and not with you their spouse I'm not saying here's why you're blowing it betrayed spouse or here's why they're not intimate with you because you're the problem no I want to help you understand what's going through their mind and how they are thinking because I think it will help you put some things to rest grab hold of some truths that are going on in the overall recovery work that you're doing and have an awareness of what is going to have to be repaired within your marriage if you choose to pursue restoration now over the next few minutes I'm gonna give you some reasons why the unfaithful spouse in their mind feel like they can be so free and open with their affair partner and not with their spouse to lighten the mood a little bit there will be ample opportunity for you to think that what I am saying is well the unfaithful spouse in the affair partner are getting along so well because the affair partner isn't doing some of these things that the betrayed spouse is doing so if the betrayed spouse would just stop doing these things then the relationship would get back on track and everything would be great and nothing could be further from the truth that is not the case but I am going to speak in a way that just describes where the unfaithful spouse is at mentally and emotionally number one an unfaithful spouse will be so free and so open and just kind of let it all out with their affair partner because they the unfaithful feel like there isn't going to be any shame or judgment or correction because in that situation it's not real life it's fantasy it's escapism and it's in an escape situation you're typically not corrected you're typically not told when you're being selfish you're being enamored by the affair partner so the unfaithful spouse feels like they can just let it all out because the affair partner is absolutely usually infatuated with them or they come from their own dysfunction so the dysfunctional issues within the affair partner and the dysfunctional issues within the unfaithful spouse are just continuing to vibe or it's not always dysfunction it is that the unfaithful spouse is wanting to be affirmed wanting to be cared for not corrected secondly the unfaithful fields the ability to be so upfront about all of their stuff all of their life because the affair partner is accepting of them no matter what because they typically haven't had to live with them for three five ten twenty thirty forty years there is this kind of newness that the affair partner is so caught up in the newness of this relationship in the attention that the unfaithful spouse is providing that it's really nothing but I so understand I get it oh man they are seeking to validate the unfaithful even if it's weird even if it's dysfunctional or selfish or what-have-you the affair partner just wants to be happy and just wants to be one with the unfaithful spouse so the unfaithful spouse is kind of sharing all their stuff because they know that they're only going to be applauded not corrected because you don't correct in a fantasy you just live life to the fullest and you just do whatever you want to do and enjoy each other because there's not real-life responsibilities like mood swings and bill payments and parenting issues and debt issues and the ability ability to communicate freely and all the other millions of things that married couples or long-term relationships have to deal with thirdly there is this dysfunctional affirmation that goes on typically between the affair partner and the unfaithful spouse it's this back and forth of your right oh your spouse shouldn't do that to you or your right your spouse shouldn't do that to you if the affair partner is married there's this constant validation that's going on and so the unfaithful spouse is is looking for validation they find it from the affair partner and here we are we're just constantly validating each other and most of the time the affair partner isn't going to disagree with the unfaithful spouse now it may happen it certainly can but typically it's one big validation fast and the unfaithful spouse loves that because they feel like hey this person gets me this person finally understands me fourthly one of the most seductive reasons that Affairs are fueled is the fact that there's no backstory you know in your marriage you've got somewhere I don't know a few years to a few decades of water underneath the bridge unmet needs hurt feelings unmet expectations things that have gone on crises health issues woundings there's all this water underneath the bridge in an affair there's none it's just a fantastical you get me I get you you make me feel this I make you feel that let's throw caution to the wind and escape from real life or there's obviously other affairs of well I finally met my soulmate and all that stuff because there's no backstory if they're together long enough there will be a backstory in real life will come rushing in but one of the reasons that the unfaithful spouse feels so caught is because it's this new fun unreal relationship there's a curiousness there's a refreshed desire to communicate and talk because the unfaithful spouse isn't bogged down from all the water underneath the bridge in their mind at least and so they feel like oh this is so much easier this is so simple because there isn't all this other river of unmet needs or failures or mistakes that they even have made in the relationship it's just a new relationship finally the unfaithful spouse feels like they can be so free with their fair partner because typically they're just being worshipped in many ways by their a fair partner right you can just do no wrong there's just this lack of any kind of adjustment correction or touching on anything that is wrong they typically will turn a blind eye to any type of dysfunction or even weirdness or or kind of red flags they'll turn a blind eye because they just want to feel validation they just want to be loved they just want to feel great about themselves so they're using their a fair partner to feel awesome about themselves and a lot of times they don't even really love their a fair partner they love the way the affair partner makes them feel about themselves I hope today has helped you understand the mind of the unfaithful I know that some of those things were really tough to hear please know that none of that is to condemn you as a betrayed or condemned you as an unfaithful or mock either one of you it's simply to answer the question that I get pretty frequently on and why does that go on why does that dynamic happen it's certainly not an exhaustive list either it's a short one but I hope it gives you clarity I hope it maybe helps you see things differently because recovery work is about repairing every one of those issues that the unfaithful is struggling with and the betrayed doesn't understand [Music] you

Channel: Affair Recovery

Views: 54,112

Rating: 4.9175706 out of 5

Keywords: affair, infidelity, trauma, infidelity expert, affair expert, marriage, betrayal, porn, ashley madison hack, cheater, unfaithful, Rick Reynolds, Affair Recovery, Affair Survivor, affairs, overcoming infidelity, infidelity scars, samuel, surviving infidelity, beyond affairs, beyond betrayal, angry cheater, anger, anger management, strong emotions

Id: 2JkdpqYcPCE

Length: 11min 4sec (664 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 16 2018