My Spouse Cheated! Where Is The Remorse? | Infidelity Recovery

hey everyone we're back as you know Facebook all types of challenges sometimes you want to level up your program sometimes there are all types of constant challenges that prevent you from adding a smooth show but we're back we're not going to let anything stop us when we're talking before the video a cut off is that you know every single Monday what we do is we come to you and we talk about instability recovery there's so many of you or been through trials and tribulations in your relationship and you're just trying to figure out how can you overcome how can you get past your challenges to have a relationship that you ultimately want to have and so what we're going to do tonight is talk about an amazing topic that I really think will be a blessing to you and that is you know your spouse is cheated where's the remorse but before we do that you know couples Academy has a Facebook group on on Facebook in the name of that group is the audacity of marriage and every single month we celebrate couples who have just experienced an anniversary and so if you're not a part of that group I would highly recommend that you do that but there are three couples as we start at the beginning of April who have relationships that are being celebrated and we just want to honor them and so first up we have an amazing couple here this is Paul and Priscilla now they've known each other for 11 of years I believe but they've only been married for five and so we want to honor them for their particular relationship next we have another amazing couple this couple goes by the name of Matthew and Shar they've been married for 22 years and they have an amazing family with amazing kids and we just celebrate them on tonight and our last couple they're new to our tribe we have David in June they've been together for 33 long years and I just think it's important that we take the time to honor couples who have stuck in their couples who have experienced trials and situations and even tribulations in their relationship but beyond the storms beyond the bad weather they saw a light breaking through the clouds and said we're going to stick this thing out and they've had wonderful relationships and many people have gleaned from their wisdom glean from their awesomeness and we just want to celebrate them today so if we're not a part of that group I highly recommend that you join the audacity of marriage because we have a lot of great content in that particular group that can be a blessing to your relationship now remember whether you're dating and committed courtship engaged or married that particular group is for you because it's going to give you the how-to of a successful relationship now we're talking about my spouse cheated of where is the remorse now what I'm going to spend a lot of time at this but I just wanted to give you some things to begin to digest and to think about if you've been in a relationship and your spouse has been unfaithful many of us would assume that the natural response once the spouse has been discovered that there would be an immediate amount of remorse uh that he or she would come begging and pleading with flowers and candy and they will be groveling up or forgiveness in doing whatever they could to restore that relationship what we're finding that there are so many couples who do not have that experience in fact they're shocked and amazed at how unapologetic unremorseful their spouse actually is interestingly enough if they are remorseful they show more remorse about being caught than about the deed of the action that they participated in and so statistically it has been said that within the first year after discovering their affair it is very common for the spouse to not be remorseful however as you transition beyond that first year into the second year usually that's when that spouse becomes apologetic they have a new perspective they realize the damage they have caused and they're willing to do what they can to restore the relationship now does that mean that you have to wait an entire year absolutely not now these are statistics it doesn't speak to all relationships but it does share what is very common and as unfair as it is the recovery process is very unfair because a hurt partner is often responsible for doing a lot of the heavy lifting like all of the emotional drama that they're going through office they feel like they're going to diss all by themselves and they don't have a willing participant to help them through now what's interesting is that we have found couples who are going through crisis when a partner is unfaithful a lot of the times it has everything to do with the fact that they are still in some way connected to the affair partner and so we have a no-contact contract though that we encourage both partners within a relationship to sign as we take them through the recovery process because if they're still connected in any way with that affair partner it's very easy for them to become demotivated and their thoughts and emotions become very confused and then all of a sudden they're vacillating back and forth should I say should I go is this situation that I am better than the one I have at home and so they're caught up in all of this emotional turmoil because they're still connected and so we encourage a complete disconnect of all types of interactions that is through phone text through social media through email even through social environments that you engage together well what's interesting is that I have met a lot of couples and worked with a lot of couples where the affair has taken place on someone's job so after the affair is over and they're ready to reconcile there's a whole lot of insecurity in the spouse 'i'm you know the hurt spouse because their partner is entering into an environment where they're working with the person that they've cheated with every single day possibly their cubicles are next to each other possibly they're in the same department it's not the same departments the same building or maybe it's not a work situation but you serve in ministry together you belong to the same church or the same social club you go to the same gym in essence you're going to a place where you're constantly frequenting that particular person and that creates a huge vulnerability now if the unfaithful partner has a glimpse has an interaction has continual conversation with the person that they were involved in an affair with those emotions are still there and it's hard to break free so when people say yes you know we were in an affair but you know we ended it and everything is all good and we're friends now but I don't forget affairs for a second if you're in a regular relationship and the relationship has been incorporated with sexual activity and you break up today it's hard to just go and transition into being friends because you've gone beyond the point of basic friendship you begun to explore a level of intimacy emotional and sexual that takes you beyond the friend mode or friend zone so just simply transitioning back and having the nature of a friend is impossible particularly when it's an affair relationship so the relationship has in so listen if you go to the same church it may be time to relocate you find a new church home if you work on the same job it may be time you can transfer those over else you know if you belong to the same organization or serve on the same committee whatever case you've got to remove yourself from that environment for your own sake and for the sake of your relationship and we find that individuals who don't make that hard break really prolong their feelings now here's an interesting statistic I may have shared this with you before let's just say you have no highschool sweetheart you haven't even 5 10 15 20 years 30 years and then you reconnect on social media statistics say after about a few minutes of communicating with each other catch it up tell me what's going on how you doing and you're reconnecting and you're sharing your life experiences the same feeling and emotion that you once had can possibly trigger back up because your emotions had a memory and it is nothing for those emotions to flood your mind and to rush throughout the course of your body and you're at that spot where all of a sudden you feel feelings that have been with kindled because of that reconnection now since instance Alton suggests that after 30 days of communication there's a high probability that an affair will occur so off-time often times that relationship that started online transitions offline and now you're having conversations and now you're meeting for coffee and now your meeting at the hotel the motel the Holiday Inn just to slip back at home not notice hopefully undiscovered but that typically doesn't last too long because eventually it all comes out so it is very very very vulnerable you're placing your relationship in a vulnerable state when you begin to engage in inappropriate interactions as members of the opposite sex so we have began to you know do some research as well as talk to many of our clients to figure out why why is it if you have violated their relationships if you would have almost caused it to be destroyed are you not sorrowful are you not remorse for why is it that you don't care I'm the one as a hurt partner who's crying and weeping and tearing and you see me going through my struggle but it seems like there's no type of compassion that you give me and so what I want to do is quickly go over the second reasons why your partner may not have remorse in what to do with it okay so I put a list together that I wanted to share with you number one they did not know that they were cheated now as weird and as crazy as that may seem or sound if there wasn't a physical or sexual interaction let's just say it was just emotional a lot of times when we begin to form relationships with members of the opposite sex our partner and I the spouses have not established clear lines of distinction we have an established proper boundaries or borders in the relationship to determine what is appropriate and what is not appropriate and so it's very easy as you are spinning the course of your day at work or serving in ministry or wherever you may need somebody engaged in conversation that that naturally the most wonderful photonic interaction can become inappropriate because you start talking about basic affairs of life politics music work society infants the more you begin to talk the more you become more intimate why because intimacy is the foundation of all communication so the more you're engaging in communication the more intimate your conversations begin so you begin starting off dealing with general facts and you may become very personal facts and then you start sharing your thing and your feelings and your thoughts on same thing and all of a sudden there's an emotional connection that takes place because guess what we just have a chemistry we just have a connection and wow this is so new this is so fresh I remember we used to have it you know when I first started dating my wife or my husband and that has passed a long time ago and to be able to talk to somebody who truly understands they think that's how it all begins and so often times were caught up in emotional affair and may not have realized that we're doing it or when we get to the point where we really don't realize that you know what here's a feeling there's something unique and different you know what I do have an attraction we try to figure out how far or how close to the line we can get without crossing it but that point we've already crossed the line and so now we're hiding our interactions in our conversations from the partner now we've never really defined what is considered an affair so we justify and legitimize our actions and that's what we took a pursuit and so that's why I think it's important that couples have a working operational definition for things that are important to the relationship so we need to discuss what is an affair what feels infidelity what is unfaithfulness what is considered inappropriate behavior when dealing with members of the opposite sex now until you do that then it's going to be quite unclear and so on confusing for a partner who's slipping into areas that will be deemed inappropriate or create a vulnerability in the relationship number two they engage and exit affair and they're using it to get out of the relationship so think about it a couple's been together for say two years 10 years 20 years and once imagine seven like they're done like they're visibly there but they left a long time ago they've made an emotional departures years ago so now they become cold and callous and don't care anymore and will do anything that they want to because they have no emotional connection or ties to the person they're in the relationship with and oftentimes we'll use the affair as a justification to get out or because they're they've made the decision to get out they'll use the affairs of this occasion so meaning you know what it was over anyway and it's not like we were moving towards reconciliation we were one step from divorce so I cheated so therefore if I can justify that in my mind why would I be remorseful for something like that this is the psychology in the pathology of an individual who has been unfaithful and the reason why they may not be showing any type of remorse number three the cheater has a huge Grievous of huge grievances towards their stuff so they have deeply embedded fingers so if I'm cheating because I'm just mad and I'm angry and I'm frustrated you know I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and I can't take this anymore and now I'm going to hurt you I'm going to stick it to you I'm going to make you feel what I've been feeling for all these years I may react by indulging in an affair so now I have all of these rationalizations in my mind that justify my behavior so once I'm exposed I'm not remorseful because I did it because of X Y Z and if you were doing ABC then I wouldn't did X Y Z and so now we're throwing it back on the hurt spouse as to the reason why we cheated and so that becomes their reason and so therefore it's very hard to feel remorseful in that type of situation number four the affair is still going on and they are still in some they're basically on the fence about whether they should say whether they should go there on the fence about the affair about the marriage and about you we just covered this that if you're still in communication is hard to have any type of remorse because you're still connected in a person who goes through the motions of counseling I've dealt with couples who both partner show up every single week they do the whole work they have the conversations but one secretly still in the affair and we're wondering why we're not moving forward and progressing to the you know at the rate that we thought we should is because there were still ties that that person had to another person they were living in line they were living in secrecy and their spouse was not aware of it and so that's why it is hard for that type of person to haggle more because they still have feelings and emotions so that other person number six it's a sign of self-preservation and a massive denial of truth so there's a phenomenal book that talks that I have I think is called fearing clear and it talks about this miserly slow of justifications and rationalizations that people have when they are in Affairs and so it's a sign of self-preservation like I listened I justified my beliefs in my position and you know what I'm not going to show remorse because I believe that I'm correct in my position and fine I did wrong oh well get over it let's move on the relationship synthetic if you get yourself together but that's the reason why I did it and they're not remorseful and last but not least number seven and this is a duty showing remorse keeps the issue alive and so the cheetah or their faithful spouse they'd rather it just go away and you as a couple move forward then dealing with the pain that they have created it's not interesting so they're not willing to show remorse because or they know they feel remorse within a little hollers it's almost like any age of truck I kind of understand it because this is an individual who makes mistakes and will not admit any wrongdoing whatsoever will not apologize don't you know that there are people who are wired that way that even when they know they're wrong they can't muster up the words to say I'm sorry I apologized I was wrong because if I do that then we're forced to deal with the issue and I just want this thing to go away and I don't want to deal with the hurting pain that I call I don't want to deal with shame I don't want to deal with guilt I just want to move forward and what's interesting usually the unfaithful partner has the least tolerance for pain they don't mind the pain that they called the hurt partner they don't modern many months or years of agony that that person goes through but they don't want to be put in an uncomfortable situation be forced to deal with what they've done so they have a low threshold or low tolerance for pain even though when they know they're wrong they're not willing to admit it because by admitting it they're forced to deal with those particular issues these are some of the reasons why people are not remorseful and if you dealing with this type of individual in your relationship I just want to let you know if you have a desire to fight if you have a desire to remain within that relationship this is just a season we talked about how in the first year is typically like this because there's a I guess you could say when a person is grieving because of the loss of that experience well the unfaithful pardon agrees as well they are grieving the loss of the affair relationship so there's a period where they're still thinking and fantasizing about that person and then over the course of time studies have proven after three months of being disconnected from their partner all of a sudden they start taking rationally they start connecting feelings toward their spouse again and realizing the error of their ways so I generally speaking don't believe that term time heals all wounds I really don't because I know people who've gotten better over time and people who have gotten worse over time it wasn't time that did it but what they did with that time but in this particular case if the relationship has been severed in terms of connections that the unfaithful partner has to be a fair partner long enough all of a sudden it seems like they wake up from their stupor they no longer have a reprobate mind and they begin to feel again they begin to think rationally again and so if you're going through a season right now when your spouse is not remorseful they are not apologetic they are not sorrowful for their actions just know that it is a season that will pass and so I encourage you to be patient I encourage you to pray I encourage you to focus on getting yourself together unfortunately is unfair because you're forced to pick up all the pieces by yourself in to heal but until he or she realizes the error of his or her ways they're not going to be any type of aid in your particular healing but if you continue to pray that God will work on their heart if you continue to be who you need to be to go through your healing process right and allow God to heal you and deal with your emotions and work on you prayerfully in time that other person will get on board as you to transition into your restaurant or restoration process let me just say in order for you to restore one of the major pillars of restoration is remorseful once that person feels a sense of remorse then you can transition now if you are loaded by yourself and it seems like things are just getting worse or you're at a standstill and you can't seem to move forward the next logical step would be to seek professional advice why because in your best of intentions oftentimes they say that their roles are hell is paved with good intentions so sometimes you don't know what you don't know so by seeking the help of an expert a professional who can guide you through the process of recovery someone who can give you and your staff a sense of awareness it will help in your transition process so what we do here at cub of Academy as you can see we're focused on what infidelity recovery and divorce prevention so if you're going through something right now I would highly encourage you to reach out to us go to our website couples Academy org right set up a 30 minute free counseling session to a discovery call just to figure out what path you need to take and let us begin to do the work together we have worked with hundreds of couples all throughout the United States and the world and I've gotten tremendous results so I don't want you to give up hope even though the future looks bleak you don't know what tomorrow may bring I want you to begin to do something different and seek help from someone who's been down that road and it helps other couples overcome the challenges that they've been through so we provide support we provide advice we provide other couples who've been through those experiences who can be a support system so you come home a couples Academy where you belong so I hope that's something that I had said here today was helpful for you we look forward to hearing from you we look forward to your question and if there's anything we can do inbox us or contact us directly to websites talk to you guys hope you enjoyed the

Channel: Couples Academy

Views: 25,929

Rating: 4.8596492 out of 5

Keywords: hasani, pettiford, couples, academy, infidelity, sex, marriage, relationship, love, advice, romance, cheating, affairs, counseling, infidelity specialist, mend the marriage, dating, marriage 101, recover, rebuild, betrayal, emotional affair, trust, survive, problems, danielle, infidelity recovery specialist, divorce prevent, marriage coach, how to save, how to get over my husband having an affair, how to get over my husband leaving me, infidelity in marriage, overcome infidelity, cheating spouse

Id: _Qa7FbHA8WQ

Length: 21min 45sec (1305 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 03 2017