WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST,
STEPHEN COLBERT. AND I--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> THANK YOU. LOVELY TO BE BACK. LOVELY TO BE BACK. I'D LIKE TO START OFF BY
WISHING ALL MY JEWISH VIEWERS
A HAPPY ROSH HASHANAH. HERE'S HOPING 5782 TURNS OUT
BETTER THAN 5781. NOW, WE'VE BEEN OFF FOR TWO
WEEKS. AND WHILE WE WERE GONE
THERE WAS THE CONTINUING
PLAGUE, WAR, FLOODS, FIRES. IT'S LIKE THE END TIMES, OR
AS THEY'RE NOW KNOWN, "THE TIMES." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
SO I KNOW EVERYONE WATCHING TONIGHT AND THEY HAVE ONLY ONE
QUESTION ON THEIR MIND: "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH MY
UPPER LIP?" <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
>> Jon: A-HA! A-HA! >> Stephen: WHICH BRINGS US TO
A BREAKING MUSTACHE NEWSFLASH: I'M SURE YOU HAVE A LOT OF
QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS LIKE
"WHY?" <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
AND "REALLY?" AND "REALLY, WHY?"<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> WELL, IT'S KIND OF A
COMPLICATED STORY. I WENT ON VACATION, AND I
DIDN'T SHAVE. AND THEN I SHAVED THIS PART
DOWN HERE. NOW, THE REVERSE ABE LINCOLN
HERE HAS NOT GONE OVER WELL
WITH SOME. OR SO FAR, ANY. FOR INSTANCE, MY EXECUTIVE
PRODUCER CHRIS, WHO IS ALMOST ANGRY AT MY FACE RIGHT NOW. HE DOESN'T LIKE CHANGE. HE'S LIKE A CHILD. OF YOU WOULD LIKE ME TO SHAVE
THIS OFF MY FACE, WOULDN'T
YOU? WHY IS THAT? YOU THINK IT WILL LOSE VIEWERS
IF I HAVE SOMETHING ON MY
UPPER LIP. >> UNDOUBTEDLY. >> Stephen: HOW MANY-- GIVE ME
A ROUND ESTIMATE OF HOW MANY VIEWERS THIS IS GOING TO COST
ME TONIGHT? >> THEY'RE TUNING OUT AS WE
SPEAK. <i> ( LAUGHTER ).</i> >> Stephen: GREAT. I KIND OF LIKE THE WAY I LOOK
WITH THIS THING, OKAY. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
YOU KNOW? AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT, I MIGHT
SAY, "DA BEARS." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
OR "GET ME PICTURES OF THE SPIDER-MAN. WHERE'S PETER PARKER? HE'S YOUR BUDDY, PETER." OR POSSIBLY... "LICENSE AND REGISTRATION. DO YOU KNOW WHY I PULLED YOU
OVER? GET OUT OF THE CAR. GET OUT OF THE CAR, PLEASE." BUT I'M NOT HERE TO DIVIDE
PEOPLE. LET'S SETTLE THIS CONTROVERSY
NOW. BY APPLAUSE, WHO LIKES THE
MUSTACHE? <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT GOOD. OKAY, BY APPLAUSE, WHO THINKS
I SHOULD SHAVE IT OFF IN THE
NEXT COMMERCIAL BREAK? <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
OKAY, OKAY. WE'LL HAVE THOSE VOTES
TABULATED, AND THE DECISION IS GOING TO BE MADE BY THE
SUPREME COURT-- BY WHICH, OF COURSE, I MEAN MY WIFE, EVIE. NOW, I'VE BEEN FOCUSING ON THE
VACATION 'STACHE A LOT, MOSTLY BECAUSE I'M AVOIDING ALL THE
DARK NEWS OUT THERE THESE
DAYS. BUT OUR COMMITMENT AS A SHOW
IS THAT WE TALK ABOUT WHATEVER
THE NATIONAL CONVERSATION IS. BUT YOU DON'T WIN PEABODIES
FOR DUCKING THE BIG ISSUES,
WHICH IS WHY I WANT TO GET RIGHT TO THE
MOST IMPORTANT STORY: THERE'S
A TALKING DUCK IN AUSTRALIA! <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
WOW! THIS IS HUGE NEWS FOR ANYONE
WHO HAS NEVER HEARD OF
PARROTS. SO, WHAT DOES THIS TALKING
DUCK SAY? ACCORDING TO ONE RESEARCHER,
IT REPEATS MANY THINGS THAT
ITS OWNER SAYS, INCLUDING THE
PHRASE, "YOU BLOODY FOOL." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
REMINDS ME OF THE OLD SAYING, "IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK AND
QUACKS LIKE A DUCK, IT'S NOT THIS DUCK. THIS ONE INSULTS YOU." LET'S GIVE THE DUCK A LISTEN. >> YOU BLOODY FOOL. YOU BLOODY FOOL. YOU BLOODY FOOOOL. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
>> Stephen: HAUNTING. HAUNTING AND HARSH. COMPARE THAT TO HOW DUCKS
INSULT YOU IN THE WILD: >> YOU'RE DESPICABLE. >> Stephen: AND IT'S NOT JUST
WORDS. THIS DUCK ALSO IMITATED OTHER
NOISES, LIKE THE SOUNDS OF A PONY SNORTING, A MAN
COUGHING, AND A DOOR SLAMMING. HE LEARNED THAT LAST SOUND
FROM THE REPEATED TIMES HE
OVERHEARD THE RESEARCHER ASK A WOMAN,
"WANNA SEE MY TALKING DUCK?" WHILE WE WERE AWAY, HURRICANE
IDA DEVASTATED LOUISIANA,
WHERE OVER A MILLION RESIDENTS LOST
ELECTRICITY, AND SOME COULD BE LOOKING AT MORE THAN THREE
WEEKS BEFORE POWER IS
RESTORED. MEANWHILE, HERE IN NEW YORK,
IDA DUMPED A RECORD 3.15
INCHES OF RAIN IN JUST ONE HOUR IN
CENTRAL PARK, TOPPING THE
PREVIOUS HIGH OF 1.94 INCHES IN AN HOUR SET
JUST 11 DAYS EARLIER DURING HURRICANE HENRI. ON THE UPSIDE, THE CENTRAL
PARK ZOO IS NOW AN AQUARIUM. THOUGH, IT WAS VERY TOUGH TO
GET A SNORKEL ON THE LION. OVER AT NEWARK AIRPORT,
FLIGHTS WERE DELAYED, AND THE
BAGGAGE ROOM WAS FLOODED. SO, PRETTY GOOD DAY AT NEWARK
AIRPORT. NOW, YOU KNOW THE CLIMATE
CRISIS IS BAD WHEN THE ONCE-IN-A-CENTURY GLOBAL
PANDEMIC IS THE SECOND BIGGEST STORY OF THE DAY. IN THAT REGARD THINGS ARE NOT
GETTING GOOD. U.S. COVID HOSPITALIZATIONS
HAVE MORE THAN DOUBLED SINCE
LAST LABOR DAY, DUE TO THE DELTA
VARIANT. THAT'S THE REASON WHY MY
ENTIRE AUDIENCE IS NOW MASKED
UP LIKE A BUNCH OF SURGEONS. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
YEAH, THANK YOU. SAFETY FIRST. IF ANY OF YOU ARE ACTUALLY
DOCTORS, IF YOU COULD STICK AROUND AFTER THE SHOW, I HAVE
A HIDEOUS GROWTH I NEED
REMOVED FROM MY UPPER LIP. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> UNFORTUNATELY--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> WE'LL GET THERE. THANK YOU. UNFORTUNATELY, THANKS TO
FEAR-MONGERING AND MISINFORMATION, A LOT OF
PEOPLE STILL AREN'T GETTING
VACCINATED. IN FACT, WALGREENS, CVS, RITE
AID AND STATE GOVERNMENTS HAVE THROWN OUT OVER 15 MILLION
DOSES OF WASTED COVID-19
VACCINES. BUT THAT DOES MEAN 15 MILLION
COVID-IMMUNE DUMPSTER RATS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE ANTI-VAXXERS
BEING UNPROTECTED. BECAUSE THEY HAVE FOUND A NEW
DRUG THAT ALSO DOES NOT
PROTECT THEM. IT'S CALLED IVERMECTIN, WHICH
IS A HORSE DEWORMER. SO YOU WILL PROBABLY STILL GET
COVID, BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, YOU COULD WIN THE PREAKNESS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> PROPONENTS SAY... <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
THERE YOU GO. SURE. WHY NOT? GIDDY-UP. PROPONENTS SAY THE SCIENCE
BEHIND IVERMECTIN IS CLEAR. IN FACT, WE'VE BEEN SENT A
DEMONSTRATION OF JUST HOW IT DEFENDS YOUR BLOODSTREAM FROM
THE VIRUS. ♪ ♪ ♪<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> SO IVERMECTIN IS INEFFECTIVE
AGAINST COVID. AND WHEN USED INCORRECTLY, IT
CAN KILL YOU. WORST OF ALL, IT TASTES YUCKY
LUCKILY, THE INTERNET IS
LOADED WITH ADVICE ON HOW TO MAKE IT
MORE PALATABLE, INCLUDING
MIXING IT WITH JELLIES OR EATING IT
AS A SANDWICH. OR THROW IT ON
YOUR ROAST BEEF. TECHNICALLY, IT
IS HORSEY SAUCE. ONE COMMENTER EXPLAINED, "I
TAKE IT BY HIDING IT IN A
BANANA." IS THAT WHAT IT TAKES TO GET
YOU TO ACCEPT ACTUAL MEDICINE? IN THAT CASE, CAN I INTEREST
YOU IN A DELICIOUS BANANA? THIS--<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> THE TERRIBLE TASTE LED ONE
FACEBOOK USER TO ASK, "CAN I SQUEEZE THE PASTE INTO MY ANUS
INSTEAD OF MY MOUTH?" LAST TIME I CHECKED, THIS WAS
AMERICA-- YOU BET YOU CAN. IN FACT--<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> CAN THEY? CAN THEY? THEY CAN? EVIDENTLY, YOU CAN. IN FACT, IT SAYS RIGHT ON THE
LABEL: "FOR A HORSE'S ASS." IN LIGHTER NEWS, "ROE V. WADE"
IS DEAD IN TEXAS. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
ABORTION CAN BE A CHALLENGING SUBJECT TO TALK ABOUT,
ESPECIALLY ON A COMEDY SHOW. INSTEAD, I'LL LET THIS EXPERT
GIVE HIS OPINION OF THE MAN
WHO SIGNED THIS LAW, TEXAS
GOVERNOR GREG ABBOTT: >> YOU BLOODY FOOL. LAUGH LAW ENFORCEMENT<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> >> Stephen: HOWEVER YOU FEEL
ABOUT ABORTION-- AND YOU DO-- WHAT THE TEXAS LEGISLATURE DID
HERE IS CRAZY. OKAY, HERE'S THE DETAILS:
ON SEPTEMBER 1st, A NEW LAW
WENT INTO EFFECT IN TEXAS THAT BANS
ABORTIONS AS EARLY AS SIX WEEKS-- A PERIOD BEFORE MANY
WOMEN REALIZE THEY ARE
PREGNANT. NORMALLY, A BROAD LIKE THAT
WOULD LIKELY GET SHOT DOWN BY THE PRECEDENT OF ROE V. WADE,
WHICH, WHILE CONTROVERSIAL,
HAS BEEN THE SETTLED LAW OF THE
LAND FOR 50 YEARS. SO KNOWING THAT, TEXAS
REPUBLICANS CRAFTED THIS LAW
TO AVOID JUDICIAL
REVIEW ENTIRELY. IN RESPONSE TO THIS CLEAR
END-RUN AROUND OUR JUDICIAL SYSTEM, THE SUPREME COURT
SAID, "I LIKE BEER." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BECAUSE LAST WEDNESDAY, IN A 5
-4 DECISION, THE CONSERVATIVE
MAJORITY OF THE COURT SAID
THEY HAD, "SERIOUS QUESTIONS
REGARDING THE
CONSTITUTIONALITY OF THE TEXAS LAW," BUT
WOULDN'T BLOCK IT DUE TO "COMPLEX" AND "NOVEL"
PROCEDURAL QUESTIONS. BUT ISN'T ANSWERING COMPLEX
AND NOVEL PROCEDURAL QUESTIONS
ALL WE PAY YOU KNUCKLEHEADS TO DO<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR JOB IS, HERE'S THE UNPRECEDENTED LEGAL
SHENANIGANS THAT SUPPOSEDLY THREW THESE LEGAL
GENIUSES: INSTEAD OF ANY GOVERNMENT AGENT IN TEXAS
BEING ASKED TO ENFORCE THE NEW
LAW, TEXAS NOW DEPUTIZES PRIVATE
CITIZENS TO BRING CIVIL SUITS AGAINST ANYONE WHO ASSISTS A
PREGNANT PERSON SEEKING AN ABORTION. AND "ANYONE" MEANS ANYONE. AS ONE LAW PROFESSOR
EXPLAINED, "IF THE BARISTA AT
STARBUCKS OVERHEARS YOU TALKING ABOUT
YOUR ABORTION, AND IT WAS
PERFORMED AFTER SIX WEEKS, THAT BARISTA
IS AUTHORIZED TO SUE THE
CLINIC WHERE YOU OBTAINED THE
ABORTION AND TO SUE ANY OTHER
PERSON WHO HELPED YOU." WELL, I HOPE TEXAS IS READY
FOR SOME DRAMATIC TESTIMONY
FROM BARISTAS, LIKE "I HEARD JEEMES
HELPED SERMERNTHA GET AN ARBOR DAY." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NOW, FAMOUSLY, WE ALL KNOW,
YOU DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS, BUT
APPARENTLY IT'S COOL TO NARC
ON TEXANS, BECAUSE THE LAW
ENCOURAGES INFORMANTS TO SUE, PROMISING THEY CAN
RECOVER LEGAL FEES, AS WELL AS
$10,000, IF THEY WIN. THEY'RE INCENTIVIZING
NEIGHBORS TO TURN ON EACH
OTHER FOR CASH. BAD NEWS FOR FANS OF PRIVACY
RIGHTS, BUT GREAT NEWS FOR
"THE HANDMAID'S TALE," WHO JUST GOT
A LATE EMMY NOMINATION FOR
BEST DOCUMENTARY. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE STEVE MARTIN,
MARTIN SHORT, AND SELENA
GOMEZ. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, JON
AND I PROVIDE A VITAL
COMMUNITY SERVICE, THROUGH THE POWER OF
SONG! STICK AROUND. ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
