>> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME,
ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. AND LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) -- I COME TO YOU ON A STRANGE
AND UNSETTLING DAY IN AMERICA BECAUSE TODAY, MONDAY, OCTOBER
4TH, IS NATIONAL TACO DAY. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S RIGHT. NATIONAL TACO DAY ON A
"MONDAY." ( LAUGHTER )
A VIOLATION OF THE CHERISHED AMERICAN INSTITUTION OF TACO
TUESDAYS. WHAT'S NEXT? SUPERBOWL WEDNESDAY? THROWBACK SUNDAY? HOLDING TOYOTATHON DURING THE
SACRED HIGH HONDA-DAYS? ( LAUGHTER )
AS IF THAT'S NOT BAD ENOUGH, TACOS HAVE TO SHARE THEIR
SPECIAL DAY WITH ANOTHER IMPORTANT MADE-UP OCCASION:
"NATIONAL CINNAMON ROLL DAY." ( LAUGHTER )
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) BOTH -- BOTH -- BUT
WHAT IF YOU'RE FROM A FAMILY WHERE MOM'S SIDE OBSERVES TACO
DAY, BUT YOUR DAD'S SIDE CELEBRATES CINNAMON ROLLS? YOU END UP EATING A
BIG BEEF AND CINNA-CHEESY ROLL-DITA. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
TACO BELL, CALL ME. >> Jon: THAT'LL SING YOU
SOMETHING. >> Stephen: 2:00 IN THE
MORNING, YOU BET. SCATTERED APPRECIATION. ( LAUGHTER )
ONE PLACE YOU COULDN'T SHARE YOUR FAVORITE NATIONAL TACO DAY
MEMORIES TODAY WAS FACEBOOK, BECAUSE THEY, ALONG WITH
WHATSAPP AND INSTAGRAM SUFFERED OUTAGES THIS AFTERNOON. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
YEAH, I KNOW, ONE IMAGINES THAT'S SAD. SO IF YOU WANTED TO SHARE
PHOTOS, YOU HAD TO GO DOOR-TO-DOOR WITH POLAROIDS OF
YOUR BRUNCH. ( LAUGHTER )
THE OUTAGE, WHICH BEGAN THIS , HOW MANY PEOPLE COULDN'T GET
ON? ( CHEERING )
I HEAR BAD THINGS. THE OUTAGE, WHICH BEGAN THIS
MORNING AT 11:45, KEPT GOING ALL AFTERNOON, AND EVENTUALLY
REGISTERED AS ONE OF THE LONGEST OUTAGES IN THE HISTORY OF
FACEBOOK. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: NOW, WAIT A SECOND! YOU'RE ALL HAPPY IT WENT DOWN
BUT MOMENTS AGO YOU ALL TRIED TO GET ON TODAY! ( LAUGHTER )
SEEK HELP! FOR HOURS, USERS WERE LEFT IN
SUSPENSE ABOUT WHETHER THEIR SECOND COUSIN THINKS THE
VACCINE GIVES YOUR PANCREAS WIFI. ( LAUGHTER )
IT WAS SO BAD THAT THE ONLY WAY FACEBOOK COULD LET THE WORLD
KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON WAS BY POSTING A MESSAGE ON TWITTER. ( LAUGHTER )
OW! OW! >> Jon: OW! THAT HURTS! THAT HURTS! >> Stephen: THAT MUST HURT! FACEBOOK IS COMMUNICATING THEIR
PROBLEMS ON TWITTER? THAT'S LIKE BURGER KING RUNNING
OUT OF FRIES AND ANNOUNCING IT ON A BIG MAC. ( LAUGHTER )
TWITTER TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY TO GREET BILLIONS OF DISPLACED
FACEBOOK USERS BY POSTING:
"HELLO LITERALLY EVERYONE." ( APPLAUSE )
GOOD FOR THEM! GRAB THAT BRASS RING! >> YEAH, YOU GOT TO GO GET IT! COME ON, ON IT! THEY HAD TO INITIATE NEW USERS
BY EXPLAINING "IT'S ALL THE HATEFUL ARGUING
WITHOUT ANY PICTURES OF YOUR NEPHEW'S PIANO RECITAL! ENJOY!"
AS PANIC GREW, FACEBOOK DID NOT SAY WHAT MIGHT BE CAUSING THE
OUTAGE. NOW, I'M NO COMPUTER EXPERT, BUT
MY THEORY IS.. A JUST GOD? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪ AGAIN, I HAVE TO CHECK IT OUT. ONE OF THESE DAYS, I GOTTA CHECK
IT OUT. AS FOR THE ATTITUDE INSIDE THE
COMPANY. ADAM MOSSERI, THE HEAD OF
INSTAGRAM TWEETED THAT IT FEELS LIKE A
"SNOW DAY." I ASSUME HE MEANS WHEN YOU
REALIZE YOUR STOCK PORTFOLIO HAS PLUMMETED BY BILLIONS OF
DOLLARS, SO YOU LOCK YOURSELF IN YOUR OFFICE AND BINGE COCAINE
ALL DAY. ( APPLAUSE )
HOW BAD WAS THIS? FACEBOOK EMPLOYEES TRIED
TO REBOOT THE SYSTEM, BUT COULDN'T GET IN THE
BUILDING BECAUSE THEIR BADGES WEREN'T WORKING FOR ACCESS
DOORS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
EVERYTHING'S DOWN! NOW, CLEARLY, THIS IS THE DAY
THE MACHINES HAVE RISEN UP AND ARE TAKING OVER, BUT
DON'T PANIC. THEY ONLY KNOW OUR THOUGHTS
FEELINGS, FAMILY, FRIENDS, LOCATION, FACIAL PATTERNS, AND
BANKING DATA. ( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS JUST THE LATEST IN A RUN OF BAD P.R. FOR FACEBOOK
THE WALL STREET JOURNAL RECENTLY PUBLISHED LEAKED DOCUMENTS
SHOWING THAT THE COMPANY KNOWS THAT INSTAGRAM IS TOXIC
FOR TEEN GIRLS. THOUGH YOU CAN ALSO CHECK INSTA
FOR WAYS TO FLUSH OUT THOSE TOXINS WITH AN AMAZING
MATCHA TEA THAT GIVES YOU A BRAZILIAN BUTT LIFT. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ON SUNDAY, THE WHISTLEBLOWER WHO
LEAKED THOSE DOCUMENTS CAME FORWARD ON EVERY TEEN GIRL'S
FAVORITE LONG-FORM INVESTIGATORY NEWS PROGRAM, 60 MINUTES
-- ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THE WHISTLEBLOWER IS
FORMER FACEBOOK PRODUCT MANAGER AND SUPERGIRL AT ANN TAYLOR
LOFT, FRANCES HAUGEN. HAUGEN'S BIGGEST BOMBSHELL WAS
THAT FACEBOOK 'CHOOSES PROFITS OVER SAFETY.'
WAIT A MINUTE! ( LAUGHTER )
DID I HEAR THAT CORRECTLY? ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT A
CORPORATION CHOSE MONEY OVER THE SAFETY OF
CONSUMERS? THIS IS SO DISTURBING, I NEED TO
CALM DOWN WITH AN ICE-COLD FOUR LOKO. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MMM. MMM. MMM. ( PIANO RIFF )
( APPLAUSE ) MM, MM, MM MM, MM, MM. TASTES LIKE STEALING A LUGGAGE
CART FROM A HOTEL AND RIDING IT NAKED DOWN A HILL INTO HIGHWAY
TRAFFIC. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) I'M GETTING NOTES OF DEEP
REGRET. ( LAUGHTER )
HAUGEN EXPLAINED THAT FACEBOOK AND INSTAGRAM USE YOUR OWN
SELF-ESTEEM AS BAIT. >> FACEBOOK'S OWN
RESEARCH SAYS AS THESE YOUNG WOMEN BEGIN TO CONSUME THIS
EATING DISORDER CONTENT THEY GET MORE AND MORE DEPRESSED, AND IT
ACTUALLY MAKES THEM USE THE APP MORE. >> STEPHEN: EVERYONE KNOWS
MAKING YOU FEEL BAD IS A GREAT BUSINESS MODEL! THAT'S WHY OREOS INTRODUCED
THEIR NEW FLAVOR: DOUBLE-STUF SHAME! NO ONE LOVES YOU, SO YOU MIGHT
AS WELL EAT A WHOLE SLEEVE. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I CAN GO WITH THAT. >> Jon: UH-HUH. >> Stephen: BIG CINA-CHEESY. BUT THE FACEBOOK MONSTER DOESN'T
JUST FEED ON YOUR SADNESS, IT ALSO FEASTS ON YOUR
RAGE. >> ONE OF THE CONSEQUENCES OF
HOW FACEBOOK IS PICKING OUT THAT CONTENT TODAY, IS IT IS
OPTIMIZING FOR CONTENT THAT GETS ENGAGEMENT, IT IS EASIER TO
INSPIRE PEOPLE TO ANGER THAN IT IS TO OTHER EMOTIONS. >> Stephen: WELL, IF THE
Facebook ALGORITHM LIKES THINGS THAT MAKE YOU
ANGRY, IT'S GONNA LOVE THIS NEWS ABOUT THE FACEBOOK
ALGORITHM. HAUGEN WORKED FOR FACEBOOK'S
CIVIC INTEGRITY TEAM, AND SHE KNEW SOMETHING WAS VERY WRONG
RIGHT AFTER THE 2020 ELECTION. >> THEY TOLD US WE'RE DISSOLVING
CIVIC INTEGRITY. LIKE THEY BASICALLY SAID OH
GOOD, WE MADE IT THROUGH THE ELECTION, THERE WASN'T RIOTS, WE
CAN GET RID OF CIVIC INTEGRITY NOW. FAST FORWARD A COUPLE OF MONTHS
WE GOT THE INSURRECTION. >> STEPHEN: YIKES. THAT'S LIKE A DAD SAYING
(AS DAD) "OK, WE'RE OFF THE HIGHWAY. EVERYBODY TAKE YOUR SEATBELTS
OFF. I DON'T THINK MANY CAR
ACCIDENTS OCCUR CLOSE TO HOME. DAD'S GONNA CRACK OPEN A FROSTY
COLD 4 LOKO. WOO!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
ARE THEY A SPONSOR FOR LOCO? I FEEL BETTER. ( LAUGHTER )
FACEBOOK WAS CLEARLY RATTLED, BECAUSE THEY SENT OUT AN
EXECUTIVE TO DO SOME DAMAGE CONTROL BEFORE THE INTERVIEW
EVEN AIRED. >> OF COURSE, WE HAVEN'T GOTTEN
EVERYTHING RIGHT. THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS
PERFECTION IN SOCIAL MEDIA AS MUCH AS IN ANY OTHER WALK OF
LIFE. >> Stephen: OH REALLY? THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS
PERFECTION ON SOCIAL MEDIA? HAVE YOU SEEN CHRISTIANO
RONALDO'S INSTAGRAM? BANG! BANG! WE WERE GONNA SHOW YOU MORE, BUT
WE CAN'T, BECAUSE INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: WE GONNA GET THERE ONE
DAY. I'M COMING FOR YEAH. >> THIS Facebook STORY WAS
ORIGINALLY BROKEN BY THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, INCLUDING
TECHNOLOGY REPORTER JEFF HORWITZ, WHO WENT ON THE SUNDAY
SHOWS TO TALK ABOUT THE SCOOP. BUT HE ENDED UP GETTING PEOPLE
TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE. SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT IT. >> SO, JOINING ME FOR MORE ON
ALL OF THIS IS JEFF HOROWITZ, ONE OF THE "WALL STREET JOURNAL"
REPORTERS WHO'S BEEN REPORTING ON FACEBOOK UNDER THEIR
UMBRELLA, 'FACEBOOK FILES.'
>> STEPHEN: HOLY HEADBAND! WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING? IT REMINDS ME OF WHEN WALTER
CRONKITE COVERED NIXON'S RESIGNATION WEARING SHUTTER
SHADES. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) IT WAS LIKE BE BJORN BORG. HORWITZ TOOK TO TWITTER TO
DEFEND HIS CHOICE OF HEADGEAR, SAYING:
THE HEADBAND HAS BEEN A PRETTY CONSTANT THING FOR ME THROUGHOUT
A VERY LONG AND WEIRD COVID-TIME REPORTING PROJECT. I GET IT. I MEAN, EVERYONE KNOWS ONE OF
THE SYMPTOMS OF COVID REPORTING IS LOSS OF TASTE. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU. SINCERELY, THANK YOU. HAPPY MONDAY. SPEAKING OF WHISTLEBLOWERS, LAST
NIGHT THERE WAS A MASSIVE REPORT ABOUT TAX HAVENS DROPPED BY THE
INTERNATIONAL CONSORTIUM OF INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISTS,
DOCUMENTING THAT HUNDREDS OF WORLD LEADERS, POWERFUL
POLITICIANS, BILLIONAIRES, CELEBRITIES, RELIGIOUS
LEADERS AND DRUG DEALERS HAVE BEEN HIDING THEIR INVESTMENTS IN
MANSIONS, EXCLUSIVE BEACHFRONT PROPERTY, YACHTS, AND OTHER
ASSETS FOR THE PAST QUARTER-CENTURY. WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE LATEST
INSTALLMENT OF MY LONG-RUNNING SEGMENT, "RICH PEOPLE, THEY'RE
JUST NOT LIKE US." US PAY TAXES. >> "UH-OH! TO THE
CAYMANS!" ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> STEPHEN: THE LEAK IS THE FOLLOW UP TO THE 2016 PANAMA
PAPERS AND IS BEING CALLED THE PANDORA PAPERS. AND THEY SHOW HOW THE SUPER RICH
USE SHELL COMPANIES TO HOLD LUXURY ITEMS SUCH AS PROPERTY
AND YACHTS, AND EVEN PAINTINGS BY PICASSO AND MURALS BY BANKSY. HAVE THEY SEEN BANKSY'S WORK? THE GUY'S NOT BIG ON CAPITALISM. THERE'S A REASON THE
DOCUMENTARY WAS CALLED "EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP" AND NOT
"I JUST BOUGHT THE GIFT SHOP AS A FRONT TO HIDE THE PROFITS FROM
MY DRUG SMUGGLING." ( APPLAUSE )
THE PEOPLE NAMED -- DRUG SMUGGLING! DRUG -- ENTREPRENEURS! ENTREPRENEURS. THE PEOPLE NAMED IN THE LEAK ARE
FROM ACROSS THE ECONOMIC SPECTRUM: FROM THE IMPOSSIBLY
WEALTHY ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE RIDICULOUSLY RICH. FIRST UP:
JORDANIAN RULER AND THAT WOMAN'S VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY, KING
ABDULLAH II. ACCORDING TO THE LEAKS, WHILE
BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN AMERICAN AID POURED INTO JORDAN OVER THE
PAST DECADE, A SECRET STREAM OF MONEY WAS FLOWING IN THE
OPPOSITE DIRECTION AS KING ABDULLAH II, SPENT MILLIONS ON
EXTRAVAGANT HOMES IN THE UNITED STATES. SEE, KIDS: TAKE RISKS, WORK
HARD, PAY YOUR TAXES, AND ONE DAY YOU CAN REALIZE THE
AMERICAN DREAM OF BUYING A HOME...FOR THE KING OF JORDAN. ( LAUGHTER )
THE REPORT ALSO INCLUDES CELEBRITIES LIKE CLAUDIA
SCHIFFER, MONICA BELLUCCI, AND EVEN SHAKIRA. TURNS OUT HER HIPS DON'T LIE,
BUT HER ACCOUNTANT DOES. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THE LEAKS GO ON TO NAME SEVERAL
PROMINENT FIGURES IN GLOBAL POLITICS LIKE
PRESIDENT OF KENYA, UHURU KENYATTA, CZECH PRIME MINISTER
ANDREJ BABIS, PRIME MINISTER OF LEBANON, NAJIB MIKATI, AND
CANADIAN OLYMPIC FIGURE SKATER ELVIS STOJKO. ELVIS STOJKO? ( LAUGHTER )
HOW DOES HE HAVE THIS KIND OF MONEY? ELVIS STOJKO AND I HAVE THE
EXACT SAME NUMBER OF OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALS, AND YET I DO
NOT HAVE STOJKO MONEY. ( APPLAUSE )
I GOTTA GET A NEW ACCOUNTANT. AND SOME SKATES. AND SOME SEQUINS. ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S NOT JUST FAR FLUNG LOCATIONS LIKE THE
CAYMAN ISLANDS AND PANAMA, ACCORDING TO
THE LEAK, THE STATE OF SOUTH DAKOTA IS SHELTERING
BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN WEALTH. THAT'S RIGHT, SOUTH DAKOTA IS
THE NEW CAYMAN ISLANDS! IT'S THE PERFECT PLACE TO HIDE
MONEY, BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO GO TO THERE. ( APPLAUSE )
ALL RIGHT, HOLD ON. MA'AM --
( APPLAUSE ) -- WHERE DID YOU HIDE THE
DOCUMENTS? SOUTH DAKOTA? YOU CAN GO. ( LAUGHTER )
THIS ONE'S A FREEBIE. IF THERE WERE ONLY A WAY TO GET
OUR HANDS ON ALL THOSE HIDDEN FUNDS. HAVE THEY TRIED THIS? (SLOT MACHINE WINNING BELLS)
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY
GUEST IS JULIANNA MARGULIES. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, IS YOUR
DOG GETTING HIGH? THE ANSWER MIGHT MAKE YOU
PARANOID.
