The husband is very important for you it take time, but I still hope you can get married before 30 years old -That's not happening All around the world women face pressure from society and even their own families to live a certain way and fit specific expectations Whether it's marriage or career related it seems everyone has a thought on how we ought to live We partnered with us SK-II, a global skincare brand that continues to empower women to take control and shape their own destiny as part of their global "Change Destiny" campaign Together we explore the pressures women feel to conform to a certain timeline by inviting mothers and daughters to discuss these very real issues in their own lives Enjoy the episode and be sure to stick around to the end for more info to share Hi everyone, I'm Dr. Jewel. I'm Afrika's mom Mom of five and I'm an educator. My name is Annemarie. I have five children, and I'm a housewife My name is Cindy. I have two daughters One is Casandra here, and I'm a housewife I'm Chelsie. I am a travel blogger and a teacher. My name is Afrika. I am a songwriter and a dancer. My name is Cassandra. I am a social media influencer, dancer, and gamer I do believe that marriage is an old-fashioned institution That doesn't mean that you know, it's not important or that it's not relevant But I feel like it is dated and it is, you know transforming into something different I would definitely feel like the reasons for marriage are much different now than it was before. I don't believe that it is a requirement in life as much. For me it's like the history of marriage started with women literally being sold as if they are property and like that's archaic, you know And I just don't agree with that as a concept, but at the same time, you know I'm a romantic and I believe in love and I believe that if you love someone you should be allowed to marry them if that's what you want My husband and I when we got married we just loved each other and very naturally so we don't have any other concern about do we have enough money or do we have any other things we just are very pure... yeah Personally, I love I love you mom, but I would not do what you did. I would not do it ...um if I'm correct um, Mom... you got married at 25 and I believe you dated dad for six months -Yes -Right? Before that marriage. I personally fully believe that before marriage you should be living with that person cuz living with someone I feel like it's different than just dating them -But I don't know That whole we're not gonna live together for two years and you ain't put...mm mm (laughs) -See you could die tomorrow and I'll just be sitting here with this rent uh, uh, like there's some assurities in marriage if you want me you got to put up the cost to pay the boss like Period. I think you girl- ladies think that um You're gonna move in with your spouse, right? And then that first year's gonna be bliss if it's the right one That's not the case. So you move in with someone six month- 'Oh, we're not compatible' You might have been. If you're married, you're committed to working through life together. I mean, I don't- Chelsie, I don't know if you're living... are you living with your boyfriend? I am and that and that's something that I guess for me is a little bit of a frustration because We've been together for almost four years I can tell that you know My siblings that are married and have like a kid on the way or my friends that have kids and are married It's their lives and their relationships are taking more seriously than mine is. We are just as committed You know, we're monogamous we care about each other. It's a partnership and I just get frustrated that because we're not married That means that we're just dating. It's like frivolous. You know what I mean, which it's not My mom's expectations and goals for me She wants me to get married and have kids because she thinks that will make me feel fulfilled and happy Right now, I live with my long-term boyfriend. We don't know if we will ever get married or have children. We're focusing on our careers. My my passion is traveling and seeing new cultures That's what makes me happy and brings me joy, and that's what I'm focusing on right now My parents are they're kind of wishy-washy They they respect a little bit of my my wanting to delay my marriage, but on my boyfriend's side of things his mom You know, we've been living together for a long time and she didn't really know about it I think she kind of did but she wasn't gonna think about it She's been calling my boyfriend and every time she's like 'okay, you need to propose.' 'You need to get married you're living together' 'It's time it's happening' (chuckles) I recently uh separated from my boyfriend and my dad freaked out He literally was texting me like he doesn't do drugs. He doesn't gamble. He doesn't drink He doesn't womanize, he works hard. Like what more do you want? I didn't know you have the pressure (laughs) of marriage... until now I feel bad. The husband is very important for you. It take time to know this person So I really don't want to give you any pressure, but I still hope... (laughs) you get married before 30 years old I love you very much, but that's not happening (laughs) My mom was the opposite. From the time I was really little she was working full-time. She was never available. I had a friend who I'd go to her house and her mom was there all cute with her cookies. Right? And it's like I want that life and it was always get married late and and um you better continue working in a high-powered job and pay your own bills because if your husband leaves you I guess I just Bounced and just did the absolute opposite, you know, I did get my degree, but then I was married at 23 I think it's difficult because I think were one of the first generations of when like divorce was common Like I remember growing up in elementary school It would be like 75% of the class had parents that were divorced or split up. So I think We're a lot more, you know nervous. We have a lot more trepidation. We really want to be sure I mean I get everything that you guys are saying and I understand it I know what it's like to be in a marriage when you or yourself are not fulfilled and I wouldn't I wouldn't wish that on anybody. The only challenge if you're constantly like okay. Well, this is great And this was two years and the next one would be great. And that was three years When do you say? Okay, right here is where I'm going to build. But at the same time I mean again, we're not saying date a hundred people I know for me personally whenever I'm actually entering it into any relationship I do believe this is gonna be the last one. Again, you don't know people a hundred percent until you've dated them until you've taken that time. Time can't be rushed My current plan for the future is to establish my career. I'm highly interested in a professional career in songwriting I don't have any plans for marriage or kids Being who I want to be, you know living where I want to live. All those things are important for me right now By the time I was her age had three kids and I was a mom. I think womanhood is very powerful We literally give life to the world Have you ever noticed that if- I don't know but I have definitely asked a significant other here or there or maybe even just a guy friend like 'hey, do you want kids?' you know, and they're all so, like, taken aback Like, 'I've never been asked that before. Whoa' And for women I feel like it's almost expected like you should have a plan That's the perception we're given especially as women is like you need to be married in order to be happy You need to have kids in order to be happy or like for your life to mean anything -which not true I have an aunt who is unmarried and did not have kids and she is a long-term partner that she lives with and They travel all the time they of can afford to do what they want and they're happy and they are living a good life -Right -I made the conscious decision about...mmm three months ago maybe to get like tubal ligation and basically like tubes tied because I...I don't know I'm just tired of this whole back-and-forth like 'oh you got to take this birth control' or whatever and like a lot of them don't work for me When I talk to the doctors, of course, it's their job to like ask you all these questions 'Are you sure?' Blah blah blah and like but it's so interesting they make you sign the paper, but they make you wait 30 days Again, just in case you change your mind. That's just a decision I made personally because it's just not what I want I just don't want kids. I never have I think it's so funny cuz I think you guys are like breaking their hearts cuz Afrika when you said that you... got- did you you get the tubal ligation? -No not yet -Oh okay cuz know we discussed it I'm like getting teary. -Yeah she was over there like yeah -Honestly Like I don't know why I'm sorry, but it's like it's What do you know when you're 25? I'm 26 -26 I'm just saying I have friends who made it to like 39 or 40 never wanted kids and then changed their mind I think it's one of the most amazing things about being a woman is actually carrying a life inside you...you know? And and I know you disagree with me How do you young people feel when you hear her saying she wants tubal ligation? I was really surprised by that. Um I support you absolutely Um but that's definitely not what I would want for myself It's something I wouldn't do because I'm still very uncertain, it changes everyday So for you to have the courage to do it, I believe that you are all-knowing and that you really believe in it. You know, we have five kids. My middle daughter is like the opposite of me She's in an all-male business high-powered job and then I talked to her about kids and having you know having a family getting married and and she blows me off I really try to hold back from being- like pushing my opinions on people, but I do. You know my daughter I'm like 'You really need to have at least one child just to experience it' -Well I didn't know if you did it or not Cuz I just had to let it just at the end of the day it's your body. It's your decision I would never say you have to have a child. It was very disappointing and hurtful for me though I feel that having children and bringing life is like the most natural thing like... - So for me um my mom had me really young and uh I watched her give up Everything, you know, to be a mother and to raise me and she was a single mom for a while Um in a selfish way, part of me is like, 'I don't know if I can do that... to the level she did And I feel bad because I- you knows part of me is like 'do I owe her a grandchild' because of what she did for me, you know what I mean? do I owe her.. do I owe her that? If I think if you have a marriage and have a children one day of you really sick and parents are not here and someone can take care of you -I agree but I feel like there's so much more that I need to learn and I'm just now learning Like it's scaring me how some people that I know who are getting married you know don't know how to do their taxes and Everything's just kind of taken care of and that that can be a nice thing But for me, I very much want to be able to take care of myself I also know myself and I'm a very social person. If I am on my deathbed with whatever cancer it may be at that point I feel like I would have no trouble having people who care about me surrounding me I got married when I was 25 Even though she has a lot of friends. I think the family is the most important -I would love to have children in the future. I just don't know if that's like my top priority right now The personal goal of mine to build my Chinese lion dance team and to uh pursue the endeavors that I've started -Go ahead (laughs) -Am I the only one? (sighs) It's embarrassing to admit but it's just I just feel like, you know, I'm not like my husband And The way we've set up our family has worked for us You know what? I'm okay bringing- making him dinner every night I'm okay for him um you know paying the bills And You know, I was really okay having children and you know I think children do better when a mom is at home and she takes on that traditional role Don't hate me ladies -We don't hate you (laughs) -We love you. You're fine It's just it's not a popular choice right? It's not a popular thought -But I think it's a spectrum. Right? Because I definitely believe in letting a man be a man, but he can cook too There's nothing wrong with that Who really has the right to tell somebody 'this is what real womanhood is' or 'this is what real manhood is' somebody could say, you know, I wasn't a good mom for taking my kids down to the university twice a week because I needed to finish my masters But I did that so that I could be a better mom to them My boyfriend and I have a pretty interesting situation He's he's from a pretty traditional family, but I'm crazy crazy independent I'm I'm like the the financier of a lot of the relationship and a lot of times he cooks and We have that flipped, but we've made it work I'm on this whole thing right now where I separated from my boyfriend because I was like I need to live on my own for a while because I found myself changing within the relationship and Losing my independence to the point where I felt like I couldn't do things When we first got married we fell into those roles, you know, and so my husband hasn't cooked dinner for us for like 28 years I'm not up on our finances. He pays all the bills I've given all that over to him out of you know in my early 20s it's worked for us So, I don't know if it's a bad thing? You know, what if he wasn't supportive I probably couldn't be that kind of wife or couldn't do that, right? But I did struggle with guilt a little bit that I've kind of given that over to my husband all this time You know, and I've kind of gotten to a safe place umm But maybe...maybe that's gonna change -Okay girlfriend Damn...go get your money girl I got married at 23 A year and half later I was pregnant with my first of five I love having a big family There's this built-in community and support for one another My middle daughter's this beautiful girl and she's so independent and all over the place and traveling all over by herself I want her to be safe I want her to be happy. I'd love for her to get married She met a wonderful man, and she seems really happy. I am so scared despite everything that I say. I'm so scared of disappointing you mom and dad. Oh, I already know I've disappointed dad -You didn't disappointed to us Actually, I knew you worked very very hard. You really work very hard. So I think you have the talent For your dream. - Thanks mom. - I think for me um I've risked so much I want my kids to know that risk is okay... that a calculated risk is okay Um and so I can't fail because I know they're looking at me and if they have any dreams in their hearts And I give up our mine... How can I ever say something to them, you know? Me personally, I guess I don't really think about it because Both of my parents are probably the best role models for like you do what you want to do, you know Like my dad, he loved trucks and trains since he was a kid and so I became a truck driver. My mom she discovered West African dance when she was 18 And so that's what she did she became a dancer and then people maybe thought they were crazy, but they did it anyway -Of course I am little scared of disappointing my mom but I think overall I think I think she's proud and she knows you know that everything that I do is with good intent and I think if I choose not to get married to have kids I think that'll be another painful thing for her But she'll understand because she loves me and she knows I'm doing what's best for me - I think there is a part of Rachel, my middle daughter, that um I think know she doesn't want to disappoint me. She was engaged for a long time to it to a guy she met when she was 18 and It wasn't right, she wasn't happy, she wasn't glowing she was so worried about disappointing me because I had already paid for the venue that she was gonna go through with the wedding so I took her for a walk on the beach, and I said 'Rachel I don't care. You could be, you can have the flowers in hand In the white dress. Ready to walk down the aisle. And you could say Mommy take me away and I would put you in the car and you wouldn't have to face anything at all' I think as moms, we just want the best for you guys. We just want you to be fulfilled and happy and she doesn't want you to have any regrets in life She doesn't want you to look back when you're our age and go 'Damn I wish I had done it differently' or 'I wish I had made this decision, you know, make sure that you're doing what's gonna be right for you. Not just now but for you know, 20 years from now -Yay (claps) -That's all of us (laughs) -You know as a mom we really love you guys and no matter what you do We love you period. It's not about these rigid rules and regulations and 'you must this' and the timeline and the ticking clock It's about I love you. No matter what. It's it's a different world now and So we can't expect you to be the same Women that are this- that fall into the same rules that maybe I did when I was 22. It's opened my mind So I'm very grateful for that So thank you And it's good to hear from people's perspective people who have gone the more traditional route of getting married and having kids and To see you fulfilled. That's really great I think today is nice too to have an open and honest communication with some other mothers that I think my mom would agree with so it was really nice to maybe Hear the words that she would want to say to me But she doesn't feel right saying to me and I really appreciated hearing that and it's helped me I don't know maybe rethink some things - I definitely know that sometimes when my parents tell me something I kind of blow it off It's not that they'll never get it, but it's just um we come from two completely different times. You know, the world is changing. We're all changing We're always changing - Probably I gave Cassandra a lot of pressure. I think so. Yeah -It's okay I didn't do that on purpose. I want to communicate with you more. I hope to know anything in your deep in your mind and you can ask me anything you want to from now on Okay? -Thanks mom -Thank you -I just want to see her happy (laughs) I would want to see her just continue to know that those things that are in her heart Are valid, are important and that the world meets them and needs her -The challenges that young women have today are very different When I was younger there was, you know a few paths that I could take, but now You know women can do anything. -You know me not being a mom myself, it's hard for me to realize the reasoning behind my mom's opinions I know she only has my best interests in mind and that's what she wants - Despite the generation time gap, at the end of the day, we all have the same goals We all want to feel fulfilled and live a happy life We're just taking different paths to get there Thank you so much everyone for watching This is a topic that's really close to our hearts and it was an absolute privilege to have all these women come in and open their lives up to us and be a part of this discussion Absolutely and we want to send a huge shout out to SK-II. Thank you so much They made this video possible and they were super supportive. So we highly recommend that you guys check out #timelines It's this awesome docu-series that SK-II did with Katie Couric It explores the pressures put on women around the world by like society and their families but also shows amazing stories of women who are following their dreams and creating their own destiny And we hope you guys do the same Our team here at Jubilee loved this series and we know that our audience will too. Until next time guys. See ya!
