Is the Idea of Virginity Outdated? Virgins vs Non-Virgins | Middle Ground

[Music] i started poking her just joking around that's just how i am you know she took my hand and she looked my finger oh okay and i was like i was like told me what do you think we're doing around just chilling like i am a virgin because i am asexual and haven't really had a desire to have sex yet being a virgin is really important to me because it's a significant part of my religion i think there's definitely a lot of assumptions made about people who are virgins i think my favorite one is the idea that people think you can look like a virgin my friends have always been wanting me to lose it my friend wanted me to have sex with his cousin if you had your virginity intact still in my high school environment they sort of just ignored you when people heard like through the grip fine oh that so-and-so had sex it was always seen as a bad thing it is mandatory that we keep ourselves pure until marriage i lost my virginity at 15 at a party in a garage [Music] hey i'm brie i'm a musician and content creator hi hi guys my name is rohan and i'm a virgin my name's skyler i'm just a normal dude and i'm a virgin hi i'm keaney i'm an artist and i'm also getting a degree in marine biology and i am a non-virgin hi i'm vanessa i study psychology and theater and i am a non-virgin i'm nico i'm 19 and i'm really scared my mom's going to see this if you agree with the statement please walk to the circle i feel or felt ready to lose my virginity for me i guess i i've always been ready i just never really found the right person and i'm not someone that's very uh it doesn't really matter who it is but i just want there to be some sort of connection between us i don't want it i'm not just gonna like hit it and just like all right you could go home kick them out you know that makes sense i mean at the time you feel ready because they're like she looked good i look good it's time time i'm ready was it did you know the person for a good while before you guys i knew i knew it for a time i wish i knew her longer it was my first high school party the whole time i was feeling like dang this is my first time um i don't know what to do it was like i don't i don't know what to do she looks nice did she expect me to do everything do it like it was it was a lot of stress it was i just remember being super stressful i think i was sweating and then like i wasn't even sweating because of sex i was just sweating like i couldn't even put the condom on right it was like it was just what it was interesting i identify as asexual and i've never really felt comfortable in the past in like the past couple years or when i was in college to lose my virginity versus now i've come to a place where i'm more of like a sex positive asexual be the term and if i had a partner nowadays or someone that i like deeply connected with i would be down to the idea of it but it's still not something i'm like seeking out or whatever but if like my partner was like yo this could be like fun or something and if i would do something random with them like maybe i would have sex so the question was do you feel ready to lose your virginity and for myself i am not ready um because i am muslim and technically you're or actually you're only allowed to lose your virginity or be intimate with anyone once you're married so i am not married nor am i in a relationship or have i ever been in a relationship so i am just saving myself saving everything until marriage so um once i get to that point in my life then i'd be ready to do that the right way with my partner when i first lost my virginity i remember it was like talking to a guy for a couple days on tinder um he was just like i have a place do you want to come over it finally happened we get into the room and it just sort of starts happening and i was just like take a deep breath ask him if he has a condom right and then let's just do this and it happened he was apparently so high that he had forgotten that he had sex with me in the first place oh my god i got a text message the next day being like there's carl's jr in my fridge what did we do oh my god i was just like i can't do this no i need to find somebody else do you regret your decision at all are you like you're good with it what happened it wasn't my favorite experience but i don't regret it you know i gave my consent i went through it and i was just like okay i understand what i want now um for me it was not completely consensual so it wasn't really my choice um he was like kind of threatening to like break up with me if i didn't i was just like well i love him so much and i don't want him to feel like i don't love him and so i ended up doing it and to be honest like i don't remember much in the experience just because like i dissociated a lot i was like trying to protect myself but i don't regret it because i did my best with what i had and like i it's just like i don't think i could have changed anything because i vocalized like when i was uncomfortable and it just he didn't really care so um i definitely was not ready but um i do have a better relationship with sex now and i've made like a lot of progress too that's good yeah that's healing thanks right yeah well thank you for sharing wanted to stamp that that happened to you everything does happen for a reason and it's a learning experience so it only goes up from here yeah yeah yeah um i do believe i learned a lot but it feels weird to be like that happened for a reason because like in a way that would almost excuse his behavior yeah and i know like with like good intentions like everything does happen for reason i totally believe that too yeah and i did learn a lot from it and i don't think i'd be here like talking about it if i if it didn't happen so right i get like how the universe works and it's just how it happened but um that's like not to say that what he did was okay yeah absolutely i was taught what consent looks like okay can i have all my disagreers please come forward seeing you guys all here love our society and school system in sex ed we were taught how to put a condom on what chlamydia is what aids is you're taught everything except you guys even want to do it you know it's a great point okay so i went to an all-girls private school and then we were partnered with an all-boys private school as well when i asked them what their sex said was like they were like the teacher said we know you're gonna do it so here's how you do it here's how you put the condom on they told them everything for us it was taught by my pe teacher right and so then he was like the best way to prevent pregnancy is to be abstinent and i was like that tells me nothing what does it mean and then they never talked about consent like within that either and so when i reported my sexual assault incident which wasn't the one that i described earlier but um i like did say no and so i brought that up to their attention and they were just like okay but you stayed in the relationship after so that basically means you're consenting to everything else and i was like that's not what that means like even legally and so i know and so then i went to my school counselor and she was like i have a friend who's in a different police department so i talked to that police officer and he was like you could probably press charges against the first police department that you went to but i was just like so over talking to different police officers i was just like this is too much so i just left it at that so i think what's wrong is the fact that no one can agree what consent looks like like what the green lights are what the red lights are and just like even a yellow light that should be stopped that makes a lot of sense it's really well said yeah i learned that whenever something happens i kind of freeze and i was um assaulted at one point it was during a dance those dances i do admit they kind of turned into a grind fest and you know that's all fun and everything like that but then this one guy who i was with started getting very touchy with me and it's very cramped like i try to move somebody pushes me back i can't like leave so first thing that happens to me is like my body sort of freezes and it was kind of like a should i let him keep going should i keep playing until i haven't out and it my mind was kind of racing but i was kind of frozen at the same time and then finally he took my hand took me out of the crowd and started walking towards the bathrooms i just ran off and i went and found my friend group and i was just like he thought i was consenting that was definitely not it so it definitely was kind of hard to figure out the idea of concept at the time yeah it sounds like you just assumed and yeah you should never assume someone has consent yeah yeah i'm i'm really sorry that happened yeah and especially i was a sophomore at the time and i was definitely very much a virgin so i was just like no way in hell am i doing this right now well for me for the longest time consent means marriage but i realized that that's not always the case because there could be assaults in marriage like if you don't want to do it then you don't have to you know because it's your body your choice and just because you're married to that person doesn't mean you're obliged to you know follow through and do that with them so um i just have a vague idea of the whole subject because it's kind of like an untalked about topic in our religion and but um just hopefully down the road once we actually get to that point then we're we gain more knowledge and education on it so it could be a better experience for everyone i actually grew up in minnesota in a town of um a thousand people so you know really awesome sex education is so fun honestly it wasn't it wasn't probably the worst but since i'm asexual i don't really have a sex drive either or whatever so i was like that's so confusing i should try to figure out what this is and so then with my first like boyfriend um we had been like dating we met like first week of college and everything and it was going all swell and everything and then it was kind of getting to the point where you like assume would probably like you know start like kissing or like have sex and stuff like that and i was starting to get really like anxious and nervous like how am i gonna tell him not only that i'm a virgin i guess i didn't really care that much since we all like you know i'm still young but the idea of being like i like don't want to really be physical with you really was eating at me and the idea of having a conversation that's like intimate like that is always hard for anyone and i didn't know how to bring it up to my partner at the time and we were just like in his dorm room or whatever and i just started like crying and i was like i don't like know how to tell you this but like i like identify as asexual and like if you don't want to be with me because i won't like have sex with you like i understand like i like felt broken which is something that a lot of asexuals feel but it's so not true like everyone is valid and everyone can be loved and you don't have to have sex to be intimate with someone and i just remember in that moment such a low point and just always growing in communication from there on out and i hope no one ever has to feel like they have to feel like someone won't love them because they won't want to be physical with them or something so never entirely had to deal with that only on a few occasions um one in particular i was just picking up a lunch pail from for my friend from work and we worked at different shifts than the girl ahead of us and i texted her like hey can you bring my friend's lunch pail over and i knew she was into me just by the way she would look at me and she would try and talk to me like okay and then we just ended up hanging out in her car and we're just talking that's just how i am i just like to talk with people totally cool with that um and then i started poking her just joking around that's just how i am you know she took my hand and she licked my finger oh okay and i was like i was like me what do you think we're doing right we're just chilling like like right after she she straight up told me that she wanted me to [ __ ] her legit like that i was just like i literally i stopped looking at her i sat in my chair i was like what i was just like trying to process everything like i thought we're just vibing and we're just showing and that that was that was a turn on but then also a turn off is like that wasn't my intent for you to come over i just needed you to bring my friend's lunch pail yeah and uh you just want to get it on like that it made me feel a little weird around here because i thought we were like going to be friends and then it was just straight shot somewhere else yeah i think it's interesting that if like a more femme person more to present the story the like narrative would be totally different and i think it's really interesting to consider like if a guy like came on to a girl like that during like a lunch work thing the circumstances would be so much different versus like we're kind of like laughing with you versus like no i like that you said that because those kind of like biases pass us all the time we never really realize them until someone brings it up and you're absolutely right because i totally would have changed the whole like the way i saw everything i've been like that's so scary it's just how it is for like for the male if you're more you know masculine they expect you to always want sex all the time you know but sometimes it's not what you want to happen and it's not really spoke about either when like you're a victim of like sexual assault as a man or if you're more masculine they're just gonna be like oh what was wrong with that situation so it's like it's in that situation like my friends in a joking way they would think something's wrong with me as in like why didn't you do it like yeah you're gay yeah for me i think they see it or they have seen it sex as kind of just like a fun activity but i've seen i see this so much more you evaluate more yeah exactly exactly so like a good foundation first yes where you guys have that trust and like that love embedded exactly where it makes sense if we're going to be doing this together i have to feel like we're both in this together yeah and like it goes even further than just that moment yeah because uh right yeah it's not physical it's like your soul connection you know your souls connect and you will connect forever absolutely yeah i think it's also important to um note that not everyone agrees that it's a soul connection and just opening the conversation about people have different perceptions of it too so i think that's important to know and that's why there can also be like not equivalent forms of consent to if someone like thinks of sex as something that's super important and spiritual and all that but someone else is like oh it's just like exercising yeah just we put too much importance on virginity yeah i think there is too much of an importance on it i think it's made out to be it's just going to be amazing and this is how it's going to be everyone like talks it up everyone talks a big game about it and sometimes it can be i've had friends who say they're gonna wait for marriage and they do and then they tell me like that was it like that's what all the hype was about and so then they're just like they've gone like their whole lives identifying with this one thing that they've never even really experienced and then it's just like shattered and they've taken on this identity for so long then they're like i don't know who i am and like that's something a lot of my friends have struggled with um i feel like there's not enough conversation about how you feel after the fact if you are previously really tied to the concept of being a virgin so i'm like 50 50 on this there it should be importance on it just for the fact that if you do slip and mess up you can have a kid and i guess that's a big thing for me is why i'm still a virgin is that i don't i'm not ready for kids yet um and also with virginity uh ever since like all the way to for me all the way to elementary school i've heard girls losing their virginity which is crazy for me to think the joking adds to it like we all joke around with the topics and stuff but it just adds to the importance that we that we view it so i hear what you're saying about like we maybe need to have the idea like the word virgin or virginity to have conversations about it but when you think about it there's so many things in life that we don't have like a label or a word for like even just thinking about like oh like having kissed someone it's all like a like let's come up with a word for someone just kiss someone like i'm a sex haver i'm a kiss haver like it's like even thinking about the idea of virginity i think the importance that's put on it is like very toxic because it is talking about like usually the idea of like penis in vaginas and it's like yeah like that sounds like really like stupid to say like but it is like what people's like i'd say mainstream notion of what is virginity and it's like making this like pedestal of purity and this heteronormative experience of what is virginity and i just think it's outdated eradicated right i think it very much like pushes for the idea of purity culture because if you also look at the definition of virgin it comes from sexually intact woman and that's implying that it only happens to women only women can be virgins and that's we know that's not true i mean right i take issue with the fact that it also has sexually intact like as if you lose something and you're all of a sudden destroyed and like you don't lose anything and like it's still like a great experience for both partners hopefully it's weird that we felt a need to put a label on that part of women who are sexually intact as opposed to someone bi word thing so perfectly right i feel like i feel like it's like vomiting so no it's perfect i love it i think for me when i don't know just the environment that i grew up in with how high school was i felt like it was kind of like if you're a non-virgin you're one of us if you're still a virgin it's just like you kind of forget that you exist so that was sort of like my perspective on that yeah i was listening i was like wow that's really cool how you guys think about that for me personally for me personally um i think there is a huge um importance on keeping your virginity it's not more like your virgin or you're not it's how you lose your virginity and how you should or we're supposed to lose our virginity is by being married and um so for myself like i hold the same expectation for my future spouse that because the same regulations apply to him you know he had to stay a virgin until marriage and actually in our religion like doing anything intimate getting close to anything that goes without meaning like hand-holding or just like kissing or anything all those are strongly prohibited and it's because it's all sin if i fall in love with that person if they come into my life and they're not a virgin then it would be okay if they understand that that was a sin and they asked for forgiveness it's how it works basically i never knew all that i guess this is just like an open-ended question how have your perceptions of virginity change from when you're younger to where you are now like is there any difference something new you learned yeah mine definitely has changed for sure and i remember like around the time where you know i was debating about losing my virginity and stuff like that i kind of ran into some people you know when i was online dating like as soon as i tell them it's like it's almost like they're kind of fetishizing me in a way where it's just like you're a virgin i'm ready to take that and it's just like they're just trying to figure out like as soon as i have one date with them they're just like trying to get it in i'm just like absolutely not no stay away six feet apart right i only like asked that because i grew up catholic so i thought i was going to say myself for marriage too and i grew up thinking like it's going to be a beautiful magical thing it's only meant for my husband and then it obviously just didn't work like that and so after that happened i kind of had a weird relationship with sex for a while but then it changed my perspective on it a lot and i was like it's just like a normal thing that people can do and so i didn't really want to put it on a pedestal as much as i had before there's a lot of gray matter when it comes to virginity now i know a person out there that she didn't want to be a non-virgin anymore she want to have sex so she let him uh put in you know do anal instead actually in our religion doing anal is prohibited it's like not allowed so anal is not even a like anal is not allowed um but for me like if you were to lose your virginity it would be a man and a woman having intercourse there's no other there's no gray area it's interesting that the definition changes among different cultures and religions too yeah so that's why it's kind of weird to be like this is a virgin not virgin because we all learn different things we all believe different things exactly so i personally i don't even like know how to answer the question because i don't agree with virginity as like a word or a concept i feel like the idea of being open about what i have and haven't done is more important than being like yeah i'm a virgin like i just do what i want or whatever i feel is like comfortable for me so i have been judged for my sexual or non-sexual choices you look at that okay it's almost like you can't do anything without being oh my god there was times that even i judged and then i was now i look at it i was dumb an idiot you know because when i was judging i was probably like in high school still i was still immature it was just very immature actions from me and then now i have hindsight with it it makes me think like why is their actions their beliefs affecting my day this question gives me a lot of anxiety um because like i have been like called like [ __ ] like [ __ ] like that doesn't bother me but um my experience is a little different because when i was assaulted and i started talking about it i had to talk to my mom and um she kind of like asked me like well why did you like get in the car like why are you at his house and um i guess like putting more of the blame on me which is really difficult because she's my mom and she's like sorry thank you um she's like supposed to like take care of me and like uplift me and it's just hard because i like go to her with this like huge thing that happened i mean just for her to react like why would you do that it's like i i don't understand like why that was my fault and like everyone like always tells me like it's not your fault and like i know that it's just it's hard like sometimes i'll get caught up in being like oh i guess it was my fault because i did choose to date him and like i did stay but to my credit like he was like mentally abusive and like sexually abusive so i didn't know how to leave and i grew up thinking like oh you date to mary and so i wanted to make it work so badly and so that's like why i stayed and like i just wanted it to work out and that's how like i was just taught um and so then like after the whole experience i was like i guess like i need to be able to take care of myself and set my own boundaries and know when to leave and it's sucks i had to learn it the hard way but at least i know now and i know it's not my fault and like it is like something that still sticks with me from time to time but i'm learning how to like be better with it thank you for sharing yeah probably have a different experience than most you guys or i guess all you but like with being so open about being asexual like there's not many people who talk about it especially online even in real life and everything and i feel like i've been like immensely judged for it and even in my videos about being like asexual primarily on tick tock um i get like so many death threats and people being like you just can't have sex like you're ugly like you wouldn't get laid like you're a blue haired girl like even for me i'm like such a strong person i feel like it's hard to get thousands of people telling you this is fake and even for me sometimes it's like is this fake like everyone else feels this way why do i feel this way and sometimes for me it can get like hard and be like damn like am i broken which i know is that true at the end of the day but yeah i think for me um i've been judged by like society like my peers that oh she's a virgin like why like you know it's everything but it's just like the western point of view whatever that like oh you've never had the first kiss like like why haven't you kissed anyone yet or something like that and i was like oh well i'm not allowed to that's supposed to you know like i don't know like and that's just like growing up it was just harder to explain that and it was just harder for me to explain like like uh accept that about myself but then you know as you grow older and you understand that people are just different um you hold yourself true to your values then you understand yourself more you know um so i feel like i have definitely been judged but i feel like if i were not to be like god forbid i wasn't a virgin or something like that or if i have done something i would have been judged especially like people um like in the culture and the religion they would judge me for for doing such and such you know so it's just like on both ends like you'll be judged either way i've been questioned if i'm gay even from my own parents uh youtube it doesn't really bother me i've always been even with my friends i've always been very open on my sexuality and i'm a virgin and like they've they've been really cool about like they would joke about it but just as friends but never really like poked me hard enough to where like dude we're making fun of you because we just don't like the way you are they've always been really cool about it so uh i think just the way i've carried myself with that that oh yeah i'm a virgin like i'm not telling everybody but just like just the way it is they've always been pretty cool about it but from from a judgment standpoint they've always uh it's always been in a joking way in a joking way because it's not the biggest part of you right yeah exactly it doesn't define you bye guys virginity virginity and beyond you

Channel: Jubilee

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Rating: 4.9458461 out of 5

Keywords: jubilee, jubilee media, jubilee project, middle ground, spectrum, odd man out, versus 1, embrace empathy, live deeper, love language, blind devotion, virgins vs non virgins, is virginity outdated, is virginity important, losing your virginity, virgins talk about sex

Id: 3TQnSkUwF8Q

Length: 27min 56sec (1676 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 14 2021