Free Range vs Strict Parents: Is Spanking Your Kids Ever Okay? | Middle Ground

as the child grows and as you as a parent train that child then more freedom should be granted to make their own decisions I feel like you train a dog and not a kid I think train is a good word I don't want to train child okay why do Maryland parents are accused of child neglect after allowing their two kids to walk home alone from a park about a mile away I see a wide range within free-range parenting but parents that basically let their kids do whatever they want and I see that as a recipe for disaster when I think of a strict parent I think of someone who might be more concerned with the behavior of the child than the heart of the child I actually do consider myself strict but I want to be emotionally conscious we've been told by this oppressive safety obsessed terrified Society that you can never let your kid do anything on their own maybe till they're like 36 it's a luxury to be a free-range parent because there's a certain privilege that goes with that being a strict parent I think first of all I imagine stress should be a really fun time of your life why follow all these rules when you want to enjoy your kids [Music] hi I'm Hal chafey I have five kids I'm a minister and we live in Maryland I'm Christian I am a birth and postpartum doula as well as the newborn care specialist I have one daughter who is seven hi I'm Jenny Atkins I have two daughters I'm a health coach and I wrote a children's healthy cookbook my name is Winn I live in Los Angeles I've one child so my chef restaurateur author I'm Jody and I'm the CEO of the Madden house and I have eight children and I'm from LA hi to everybody I'm Lenore scan Daisy I'm the mother of two and I founded the book blog and movement free-range kids surprise I founded the free range kids movement I let my nine-year-old ride the subway in New York City by himself I wrote a column and two days later I was on The Today Show MSNBC Fox News and NPR defending my parenting style and I started free range kids that weekend as a blog to say look I believe in safety I just don't think that we have to you know you have a security detail every time we let our kids out of the house [Music] see you later for a friend children should be trusted to make their own decisions so of course children should make their own decisions I mean we're trying to raise them to be responsible adults if they don't make decisions they'll never learn when my child is possibly going to make a bad decision what I want to do is not tell them it's a bad decision I think that's the wrong thing to do because then ultimately I can I reject that anyway also it depends on what we're talking about decisions about like if it's bedtime and you want your kids to be in bed at 8 o'clock I think that is up to you but I remember a time my son called me he was 10 at the time and he said mom can I have another piece of banana bread I thought I felt I felt bad because of course that's a very simple decision they expected that I was the one to decide almost everything about what they were eating and doing and I felt like there was something wrong and that actually started me reevaluating thing didn't can they climb the tree just let him climb the tree and what's the worst that can happen they break an arm oh well well for my kids specifically she can go outside and play after school and she can draw she can do whatever but there is a very healthy boundary like we don't have the type of health care that most people have so like no you can't climb the tree if it's like oh I don't want to play violin anymore but it's like you can't you're not allowed to quit things that you start because even as an adult you become a flaky adult well you see so many parents nowadays who just like been to every whim of their child children should be trusted to make their own decisions when it is wise for them to make their own decisions you know I'm not gonna let my five-year-old decide that he's not gonna brush his teeth anymore because he doesn't you know as the child grows and as you as a parent train that child then more freedom should be granted to make their own decisions it should be our children I feel like you train a dog and not a kid I think train is a good word I don't want a trained child ok well I do I want to maybe not like me yeah do you think you need to train them to be respectful or do you think that you guide them in a way to learn to be respectful because of the decisions they've chosen Oh I try to be as biblical as I can when it comes to parenting I know a lot of people would disagree on that but I have five kids and I'd do my best to follow it I found so much wisdom and it's worked don't really follow rules even if it's a theory of free range parenting per se if you're following those free-range parenting rules then you you become strict and I don't think that there should be rules it should be whatever the day brings kids deserve privacy even they're not adults are still people and they need time to either hear the thoughts or process things or just they need a sense of comfort in solitude and things that are are sacred to them so I don't have any teenagers yet there's no way I mean there's no way that I'm not gonna have access to their cellphone that that's not gonna happen but they want time alone I think that's fine and they should have that and it's healthy to do that the reason I hesitated is because I think back to my childhood there were things that happened sometimes that can last with you for the rest of your life you know people can be abused online now so when I have that parent spidey sense if something's not right here and my kids can like no you can't have my cell phone yes I can in our household we live by this kind of thought live your life in such a way that if everyone could see what you're doing in private that you wouldn't be ashamed so you can sell my kids also look through my phone privacy is not something a child should be entitled to have do we give our kids quiet downtime yes am I looking for their stuff no um I actually agree with the definition of downtime and privacy at my house there's no privacy because you don't pay any bills she also trusts me and I wanted to make a relationship to where she trusts me that even if she came to tell me like there's no I'm yelling I don't screaming I'm doing things like that we're very open but there is no privacy so I just wanted to put in a plea though for some privacy you know I go around and I talk about free range kids and sometimes what I ask the audience is to tell me when something did go wrong and I ask them did you tell your parents what do you think I said why do you think they said it fear of what you think it's trouble they said they didn't want their freedom taken away I think it's important though that we hold our children accountable because in the world there are plenty of adults who are not held accountable who've never been held accountable and they just do things that are terrible but most of childhood is little things and you don't have to be there for everyone because that's when kids start realizing I can handle this privilege the ability to just do things without any repercussions or Consequences as a black person or a person of color we sometimes just don't have the privilege to allow our children to be free range although I would love for her to be free spirit and just do and be she can't because black kids get murdered in the street no idea this is a hard hard for me my job is not to be my kid's friend it's to be their parent but I don't think that is mutually exclusive of not being their friend either if that makes any sense but I prioritize very being the parent parental unit me and my mom I would say that she's my best friend but like as as a child it was she was my mom and I hope to have that type of relation with my daughter but right now I'm the parent and you're the child because I don't want you to lose respect for me like I'm not gonna go clubbin with my daughter like there's just some things that I'm just not gonna do that I do with my friends but I'm not gonna do it Mike I agreed that I'm their mom first but I'm also their friend I'm also someone that they trust and admire and they come to and I listen to them and I give them my opinions and we have forged a friendship but it's not without my position as the authority in their life their provider their comfort their mama in my mind once my kids are 18 or let's just say moved out of the house they are an adult and at that point I want to stop parenting if I haven't parented enough by the time they're 18 then I then that was my chance I don't want to be a parent after 18 and when it comes to clubbing I hope that when my kid is old and grown up and they're going out for a beer at a bar or whatever they're doing of course I want to come with them but here's the thing I just wanna say on the other side of that is that we never stopped growing up I mean man I don't have parents I wish I did there's some times where I just I wish I could just ask for help I mean my grandmother just passed away in me and I remember like just feeling like what am I gonna do and and that was not a friend moment that was me hiding like a little child on her lap because we've been crying and needing that do that oh you're gonna do this I guess I just want this right you know I want them to be very independent with your own mother do you have a mother and if you do do you ever just need your mama sometimes ever does really you don't need to like no get hug firmly I speak to her like she's my friend okay yeah and I think I spoke to her as my friend when I was growing up as well because she never she didn't parent I had no rules I'm not so that explains a lot when you talk about your philosophy it's really a first-hand account where maybe some of the rest of us are like exploring how we might want to parent but we all raise our children probably according to a little bit of how we will be were really know what we wished had been different and then there's so many societal influences growing up without the security of knowing who I was and knowing that I was dearly loved and cherished by my mother and father was soul-crushing for me as a mother I have the opportunity to raise up a new generation of healthy whole individuals who are able to go forth and create new families of their own and be a light in this world and that's really what my hope is my children what I don't want to get involved at all yeah do we have to I don't even want to stand back here but is it gonna show our position like standing back or City we do see you guys in the background but we just want to hear his perspective then people can walk forward but if you don't want to participate in the conversation whatsoever you don't have to Wow yeah so I'm kind of sad that nobody else walked forward because not only do I think it's an acceptable form of punishment but I think it's one of the best and the reason is is because it's effective it's quick it's over it's done and the kid can go off and play again and not have to sit in the corner languish in a room or something like that and it's not about getting angry I'm mad I'm gonna whack my kid no it's about okay you made him you did something you weren't supposed to do and you're going to get spanked for this so I'm gonna ask any of my disagrees who wish to step forward to talk about this please do if you wish not to step forward you don't have to the specific antic I have is for my child is one time like you know as a parent you can lose your patience and that happens we would just kind of like slap him on the hand we did something like they'll do that don't do that and I remember one time he did something and he started becoming more self-aware and he started hitting himself on the hand and hitting himself and I was like I can't do this is hey we can't go down this path with him this is not gonna work for at least specifically for him and I think it's a case-by-case basis to like you know you've led your kids in a way that hopefully he doesn't lash out into the real world I don't want him to react like that to someone else either and I just feel like that's my responsibility so yeah and you know I hear that a opponents to spanking will say I don't want my child to be violent yeah you know I have five kids 10 and under and the exact opposite is true because they think it's a bad memory for them what's that do you think they're gonna have memories of these times being spanked and that it will be sure something is thankful for it I would do because I mean I would be lying if I said I never have spanked my child of course sweet but I don't ever I don't don't feel good about it don't you want to raise your child to not want to do things because they feel as if they'll be a better person not because they're going to be punished for it both see this is hard for me to understand because I come from a culture where everyone like all my friends have loving parents that spanked them as kids and now they've grown up to be great functional functional adults who respect their parents and are glad their parents spank them okay I'm is until say my my view so I don't spank my child one because of chattel slavery and Jim Crow I'm black person and I live in a world where black people are beaten all the time I have a mother who spanked me I'd I'm not glad that I was spanked I respect her but I'm not happy about that also the same thing with the people who are like I was spanked I came out right they usually have like anger issues they're violent they whip their kids they probably need therapy usually they don't even realize how you mostly [ __ ] up they are well you got to understand it's parenting is more than just I spank alright don't spank if you're a terrible parent and you think that spanking is gonna fix your kid you're wrong I sometimes fear I am raising my children the wrong way I think part of parenting is always worrying I mean as hard as I try to do the right things you know there's always doubts in your mind that you've done something wrong I love to tell parents especially new ones that we're all winging it we're making mistakes every day but the good thing about it is that our kids still love us they still look at us like mommy and so black parenting is literally just like one huge ass experiment people think that I the answer because I wrote free range kids and I run this let grow and all I can say is that believing in your kids you know believing in them whether you give them a timeout or you're speaking and believing that your kids have this capacity for for being a decent human being and they're gonna make mistakes they're gonna be okay that's what kids want so first of all I think that parents are too hard on themselves and you know what ultimately your children are gonna make their own decisions for me I don't I don't wonder about whether or not I'm raising my kids right because I try to raise my kids according to what the Bible says and so I have a guide that I that I fall short fulfilling all the time but I look to it as my guide and so just a few simple guidelines if you follow and you love your kid you care about them and spend time with them then ultimately they're gonna be okay I just love my kids so much and I give them 110 % one of the neat things that I'm giving my kids it's a little bit different is a mother and father who are married and faithful to one another which I didn't have that and so it's it makes me feel really good that I'm giving them that I know that I'll never just be totally set in my ways and be unwilling to to change and to become a better mother so I will never give up growing myself the one piece of parenting advice I give everyone is don't listen to all the advice because the beautiful thing about parenting is is not what you're teaching your child but sometimes what you're learning with your child I think we all just want the same things everybody wants their children to be confident and secure in their love it's just a lot of fun to have kids and I always tell people I said if you want to be a happier person have more kids because kids are just so much fun

Channel: Jubilee

Views: 4,879,659

Rating: 4.9482827 out of 5

Keywords: jubilee, jubilee media, jubilee project, live deeper, blind devotion, love language, middle ground, spectrum, free range parents, free range kids, lenore skenazy, hal chaffee, strict parents, helicopter parents, tiger parents, parenting advice, parenting tips, how to raise my child

Id: _uSJDq7VPrw

Length: 19min 14sec (1154 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 25 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/faustianappetite]

"We've been told by this oppressive, safety-obsessed terrified society that you can never let your kid do anything on their own... I founded the Free-Range Kids movement. I let my nine-year old ride the subway in New York City by himself. I wrote a column, and two days later, I was on The Today Show, MSNBC, Fox News, and NPR, defending my parenting style."

An actual fucking quote from the video.

[u/Star_Trekkie]

IMO, If you are really going to have kids, the right and moral way to parent them would be the middle ground between these two extremes.

[u/AntinatalismFTW]

What I'm seeing is Idiot 1 VS Idiot 2

[u/Fit_News_6612]

I wont click on it cause i know im gonna get triggered