The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast - Dean Martin

[Music] the Dean Martin celebrity roasts coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel he in the entertainment capital of the world Las Vegas Nevada the glittering city of excitement and after provides the scintillating backdrop for tonight's star-studded roast from the sick failed room of the Grand Hotel some of the world's greatest entertainers are here tonight they are in Las Vegas in person as the Dean Martin show honors our man of the hour and tonight guess what it's going to be Dean with tonight's guests Bob Hope Paulson world Kaneko Gene Kelly John Wayne Mohammed he peplums Tony Orlando Howard Cosell then Ron and Dick Martin senator Barry your name Angie Dickinson Joey bishop senator you foster Brooks Harlan Georgia Engel bitsy Russell and our special guests roastmaster gone Rico [Music] [Applause] [Music] Martin [Applause] [Music] [Applause] it's a great thrill for me really tonight to be master ceremonies this is one of the great all-time thrills I've ever had I this is a bigger thrill than watching Pat Boone autographed hockey pucks during the Ice Follies my wife Barbara summed it up best earlier this evening she said to me that she said really I think that's my life to us it's gonna be an exciting evening but don't go by her she said that on our wedding night my wife told me to be polite to see by the way she'd be with us tonight my lovely wife Barbara but unfortunately she swam in our pool today with a jewelry on and drowned tonight we are honoring our man of the hour Dean Martin you heard the applause Dean I'd worry can you imagine him man imagine if he was in the infantry in world war two attack Oh and so uh who we honoring tonight a man was trouble finding his legs this is quite a dais I haven't seen so many tuxedo since the Osmond Brothers had their annual prom isn't it beautiful look at all these beautiful people here to pay tribute to you the senator rich little Paul Lynde on the end Paul if you want to order do it now the kitchen's going to close sorry about your seat well why don't you get a pillow so you can see us what an exciting night folks you can't believe I have chills just looking around seeing all these people senator Goldwater sorry about the election so close it could have been the president we could have hung out together I feel Bob spoke to the Texaco company you're gonna blow up Thursday keep that image they don't know at home you run around your underwear going where's Dolores mrs. Jimmy I spoke to the family you're doing well you're doing well Jimmy spoke to the wife she's leaving you let it ride off or smoke me dick water comes out of his navel they have a wonderful night we're gonna honor Dean Martin ladies and gentlemen he's a great man Dean has passed away about three years ago now how many if you get a chance could you watch me now he's a great champion I remember when you fought your last fight you stood in the corn said I'll women it's such a great thing great things see all these wonderful guests Dean to see Howard Cosell and I'll tell you Howard from the bottom I heart you can't even tell it's perfect well senator I laughed at you when you lost [Music] the great state of Arizona votes maybe the other Saturday he just went high in for a Minnesota let's have a party [Music] is like kids with centered you know how much you love look at a seat you later on the Senators due back in Arizona to stand around in a highway go look at a car [Music] what I respect you Jimmy I respect him to see Angie Dickinson's sitting next to Joe Namath when I blow the whistle yell hike anyway Jimmy morning last night he fell into his own pants don't be wrong there's a lot of reasons why we should honor this man tonight first of all he's Italian and I love the Italian people I never forget the word of karma and Ganga nonso was said to me in Brooklyn on a Saturday night [Music] ma che see happening in Gaza no Alfano caparzo Stata Nene under Nene gondola no look at this I'm making up names in gold waters writing them down what other people can work you over Italians are fantastic people really they can work over in an alley while singing Dean do you understand any of this if you do blink twice three times one let you go to the toy toy but it's your light boy it's your big night and I'm perspiring I'm getting malaria a Japanese guy won Oh goody-goody Orson Welles ladies gentlemen has been a great star for similar day this man was married to a great many women in his life they're all flat now but this is a great creative talent I cannot say enough about him I will not embarrass them I've made jokes about him because I've always believed when you're important that is my belief in life when you're important you're certainly open to ridicule and fun criticism this man is open mostly to fun certainly not ridicule he's a fantastic artist and I've never had the pleasure personally until tonight when I leaned over and I said mr. wells I'm Don Rickles and he said who cares ladies and gentlemen mr. awesome well Thank You Donald for that well meant but rather pedestrian introduction regarding yourself I quote from the third part of Shakespeare's Henry the sixth at two scene one Richard speaks where thy heart is hard as steel as there are shown it flinty by thy deeds I come to piss it or to give thee mine to translate into your only the immed arnold you're a yo-yo [Applause] now I direct my remarks to Dean Martin who is being honored here tonight for reasons that completely elude me I'm not being fair to Dean because now this is true in his way Dean and I know it very well as the soul of a poet I'm told that in his most famous song Dean off is a lyric which is so romantic so touching that it will be enjoyed by generations of lovers until the end of time let's share it together when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie amore now that's what I call touching Dean it has all our mantises another tidy Bowl commercial when the world seems to shine like you have had too much wine that's amore what a profound thought should be inscribed forever on a cocktail napkin to say this more tippy-tippy-tay like a gay tarantella like the gators apparently Deena is a side view we know nothing about the stars make you drool like a pest Isuzu or excuse me but you see back in old Napoli that's amore no Dean that's enfermo italian for sickening now lyrics like that lyrics like that ought to be issued with a warning a song like that is hazardous to your health ladies and gentlemen you're now looking at the end result [Music] and now they're rolling right along with our bombastic review we have a great show for you tonight a guy that I've seen on Hollywood Squares many many times Perry Como discovered this guy in Florida in a swamp sucking on a crocodiles neck he's a fantastic star he's been in my listened to many times going I'm a fantastic stop just recently returned from Guam where he was there waiting for the warden the black guy one I did great artist mr. Portland [Applause] so you're the man yeah I can't tell you what a thrill it is to be here the only thing I get this up for is being guest of honor to flash flood I suppose I'm here because I did some of Dean's variety shows they were televisions first family hour and if you happen to come from a broken family picture in viscid inan i don't socialize very much we we have very different tastes I prefer museums gourmet cuisine legitimate stage Dean likes bocce ball pizza and the Pussycat theater to him an intellectual discussion is analyzing the plots of Gilligan's Island and when it comes to culture forget it when Dean went to the ballet and saw everyone up on their toes yeah you know what he said why don't they just get taller girls I remember once going to a party at Dean's house it was really quite unique well unique isn't exactly the word the word is tacky first of all I haven't picked up in these private limousine a $50,000 Mercedes Benz with a plastic hula girl this shoe see some of the people they had working at the party this first time I'd ever seen valet cars stripping a cigar outside writing down the numbers the police car you know I judge a person by the paintings in his house well the most tasteful picture I saw in Dean's wall was an unsigned seascape from the good times motel they're not real lucky Dean introduced me some of these personal friends carmine Benny big LOI moon CEO and nails della Rossa priest ladies and gentlemen I'd like you to leave the gentleman who has to get in training for the big football season that's coming up next year he just finished a great year with the Jets they finished the season one of the greatest quarterbacks of waltrip we said to the Jets hurry it up and I gotta meet this chicken about an hour they kid about jovi looking for women and searching and wandering he's now 32 years old and he's tired of sitting and looking in the mirror going hope this clears up Alabama University we roll the broad span hide you get video dude I'd give anything I don't care what bus that ride I'm gonna ride it today Broadway Joe they can call him most anything under the Sun when the game starts he's a champ Joe Namath yeah I really am glad to be here tonight in fact after last season I'm glad to be anywhere it was so rough last season I may need another operation they want to remove some cartilage from my left knee and mean Joe Greene's helmet from my chest rough season actually I do have a selfish selfish motive being here tonight I just found out that one of the major studios wants to make my life story as a movie really the perfect one to play my part in my life is Dean Martin I mean why not for years I've been playing his Dean would be perfect playing me he even has my characteristics we're both broad shouldered and broad-minded for the long bomb of course Dean he's been bombed [Applause] [Music] [Music] ladies and gentlemen a great American and I tell you to run for president of the United States is indeed one of the rarities of our life ladies gentlemen such a man is here tonight to honor Dean we are all delighted he is an American and a true one the great senator Barry go go Thank You Don I appreciate that round of applause it seemed to create a little draft which may be what my good friend Hubert have been waiting for you may wonder why I stand here attempting to match wits with the likes of Bob Hope Don Rickles Paul Lynde it's unfair for me to compete with comedians after all I've had 19 years of comedy experience in the United States Senate I'm proud to list Dean Martin as a dear close friend and to show the depth of his friendship at my last reelection Dean drank to my good health he also drank to an armadillo when I arrived here in Las Vegas Dean invited me to a party to meet some of his friends and I'm sorry I had to turn down your offer Dean but lately I've learned from the newspapers that if you're a politician you'd better not get introduced to strangers by Italian singers [Music] this being an election year I feel that it's healthy for our country to have as wide a choice of candidates as possible what I'm suggesting it's not too late for a new candidate and for those who aren't gone on Ron or all aboard for Ford I proudly offer a third choice Dino's our Bambino yes there's room in our political spectrum for the man of the hour if not president then maybe something even more important senator [Music] he's and he stubble times the country needs candidates to look up to and Dean I suggest as the perfect father figure one might even say God saw their figure my candidate is for full employment just consider what he's done for the farm workers on martinis alone he's kept $10,000 Pickers in business my candidate believes an equal opportunity for women he chooses all the gold diggers personally find out if they give off the right vibrations he has the most unusual test he taps East gold digger with a tuning fort leaving no stone unturned I tell the whole bunch that joke wouldn't work you know I wish we had a hundred like you in Washington unfortunately we have 10,000 [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Dean a lot of your friends throughout the country couldn't be here at the MGM tonight however they sent some telegram I'm gonna read dear Dean you're the only man I know who falls down more than i do sign president ford senator goldwater win not even funny telegram from General Franco but that now [Music] here's one from the Smithsonian Institute thank you for considering us for your future donation but we have the livers of five dinosaurs that are in better condition than yours ladies and gentlemen the next lovely star that I'm about to introduce is the star of police woman hi I'm happily married I think that this lady off tonight I want to be with a sope I love my wife but my wife is ill this is a lovely star she's known as pepper schmutz kaduk whatever her name is Piper pack whatever they call her I never missed the show I I use it for a nightlight when I fool around with my wife great show Oh number four in the country so you know how our country is going you been hopefully win is there something wrong with the country [Music] forget about it I had my shot so I'd like to bring on this girl when we bring her on let's have the whole dais attacker actress the policewoman is a is a great show isn't a great show Orson great you're in Spain how would you know [Music] sorry Jimmy I woke you up I'm sorry Terry was taking a quick nap and we snap them out of it which in a hot tub and watch your duck sink barry goldwater win now it's got a roll [Music] what am I bid for this broad before I introduce you look at this the old guy won [Music] ladies and junk without any further due another I will run a guest I loved his guest just two old opponents Angie Dickinson the next day you go to a delicatessen and bite into a tongue sandwich Don may it be your own tongue Dean you know I've been a long time fan of yours even before Rio Bravo and I especially liked when you when you played them Matt Helm that dashing spy or as we called you around the studio James Bond you're so good at the detective in movies I thought maybe you could I do an episode of policewoman I can just see us together pepper and schlep er tailored just you know for your image and talent we'd have the scene where you jump out of the car and you'd say okay up against the fender and I'm gonna frisk you from head to toe and like oh I hope it's me and then we'd have the dramatic scene where you'd you'd come to me and you'd say pepper I'm quitting the force and I'd say why do you why why and you'd say they just gave me orders to go down to a back alley and take a pint away from a wino you see the Dean that's police brutality and then we'd get back in to our patrol car after I'd persuade you to stay on the force and we'd go to a neighborhood filled with people doing dangerous unpredictable things my my jaw sir so just do your act and get on Big D let's get back in the alley [Music] [Applause] one of the champions of Champions and he will go down in history I say that for my heart the great champion Muhammad Ali mr. ding Martin looking at you reassures me that when God created you he had a sense of humor I would like to give you some advice some good advice I'm not just don't give me you're right that's [Music] the man who has no imagination stands on the earth he has no wings he cannot fly is that too heavy for you how will Co say a little better you have an imagination I'm sure why is it that I'm the most famous the most successful the greatest fight of all times because I have an imagination you have an imagination you have a gimmick you act like you're crazy [Music] what are you laughing about cozy oh don't open your mouth to me costo you I'm this is not your show I don't made you famous enough [Music] didn't know you all of the world so everywhere I go you follow me to get publicity every time I want to show you come you follow me all around so we don't want on why did you invite it [Music] so let me tell you something else tell him when it's over [Applause] you should be my manager wouldn't it be a heck of a combination that he was my manager you don't still do you no no no way mom unless you say wait hey anything you say I do why do you why do you why do you talk like that well that's just you can still talk like you're supposed to talk I know a few metal and Italian do you talking Italian no no I never talk of fun it in my tap-dance [Applause] [Music] [Applause] let's do it like the world knows you know since since I was a kid as I said to him in the dressing room I said when I was 9 Jimmy I saw in your last movie you know and they lifted him up they looked him up out of his makeup chair and he went oh really but we kid about Jimmy's do it why because he's a great star he's Hollywood he knew all the greats Clark Gable hunts Hall Leo Boston John Haynes and he just came back from England where he starred and Harvey he came here right from England to be with Dean Jimmy should be put in the home guy gets off a plane comes right here to be with this charlie bond juicy air let's face it I said Jimmy why are you here I don't really know I'm delighted to share the dais with a man was being honored Dean Martin by his dear buddy one of the greats Jimmy Stewart [Music] Dahae [Applause] this is sitting there I watching you up here it reminded me of a picture I did not very long ago and it had the same kind of warm and gentility and and the picture is called the man who shot Liberty valance [Music] we're really here we're really here to pay our respects and pay tribute to Dean Martin and I'm sure Dean will remember this occasion the rest of his life that too bad he will remember tonight one thing I have to say about Deanie he knows how to relax I remember we did a picture together called Bandolero several years ago and Dean was forced to jump off a three-story building and he was forced to do it and and right in the middle of it he fell asleep we had a lot of fun in the picture we every day we practice shooting by lining up a dozen bottles on the fence and before I had a chance to get him a gun out of the holster or Dean drank the targets a [Music] little more serious than that because I want to do it at this time I am that same picture Dean saved me from drowning as a matter of fact he he saved my life that was we were doing this scene and we were crossing a river and I fell off the horse and and Dean rescued me and pulled me to shore and gave me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and you know it you can't imagine what effect mouth-to-mouth resuscitation from being Martin can I was going back to my hotel room to learn my lines and study the scene for the next day and all of a sudden I said to myself out of heck with it I I'll just show up when the cameras start and read it off the cue cards the next day I during lunch break I without knowing it I found myself in a phone booth calling a gold-digger would you believe it I ended up with Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis we were on our way to Acapulco they're having a big blast Dean if it's okay with you over you the next time you see me drowned and would just leave me there [Music] a bright new star and a dear friend to Dean and to all of us mr. Gabe Kaplan a lot of people tonight and they jokes about Dean's drinky and I think all these jokes about Dean's drinking have gotten out of hand I mean people talk so much about Dean's drinking they forget his other vices he some he has so many vices that AAA wouldn't take him he had to join EA everything's anonymous it's not that Dean drinks it's what he does when he drinks I mean asking Kate Smith to go to Hawaii for the weekend going to an orthopedic hospital and singing breaking up is hard to do we not have heard of guys having blackouts but Dean can't remember anything that happened between he is 67 to 71 the Dean likes sports and he likes to drink so I am going to enter Dean in the first annual drunks Olympics yes they're gonna have events like the wino pole vault they set the bar at 6 inches another event is the hop skipping bar then they have the decathlon 10 drunks trying to find their cars [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] ladies and gentlemen one of the all-time greats that's the biggest word I can say one of the all-time greats and a man that mr. Martin cherishes and everyone on this dais ladies and gentlemen the great man himself mr. Gene Kelly I'm very pleased I could be here to honor my old buddy Dean because actually we've met many years ago through Frank Sinatra and that's the truth at that time Frank and I were doing an MGM musical called Anchors Away with all about two sailors trying to win World War two by singing tap dancing and banging a Jose Iturbi to play the piano must have won we won that's what he told me he had a new friend in town Dean Martin also known as a stupid Ville slosher they were part of getting up every night at Dean's favorite Italian restaurant Franck was nice enough to invite me to come along when I walked into the place I got my first inkling that it was not one of your Duncan Hines approved restaurants a hatchet curl wouldn't let me unless I checked my hands which I did yeah you don't say no to a hatchet girl named Bruno he he's been great knowing all these years my kind of guy you really are you put your cards on the table and yourself under ladies and gentlemen without any further ado a man that we all respect and love Democrat a Republican he's the former senator from Minnesota he is the distinguished senator from Minnesota he will be the former senator from Minnesota Minnesota [Music] look who's giving me diction les [Music] two dummies telling each other how to say it so top okay fine a great man and I am delighted that he's here for Dean and ladies and gentlemen without any further through the great senator mr. Hubert Humphrey [Music] thank you Thank You Don Barry I accept the nomination [Music] I want to thank you for a rabble rousing introduction I've been here just literally fascinated watching you MC this prestigious affair and I'm amazed at your tireless ability to talk talk what it is to be here with my friend and colleague barry goldwater you know we we do have very much in common we both ran for president we were both defeated and neither one of us can recognize former vice presidential candidate William Miller unless he holds up this American Express Dinah's is sad here and missing your friends talk about you I was amazed really I've never heard such scurrilous things being said about anyone who wasn't running for office there an election land may wonder what a politician is doing on a show business roast but why not the fine line between show business and politics is getting finer all the time in fact one of our distinguished opponents from the other side as you know is a former actor I don't want to mention his name because according to the equal time rule if I do I'll have to mention the names of every other candidate and we would be here too way after the 11 o'clock news just with the Democrats alone tonight in 1976 our bicentennial year we have come to honor Dean Martin as the man of the hour but I believe that Dean could have been the man of any hour in our nation's glorious history why can't you just see Dean at the very birth of our nation you know the Revolutionary War he may not have fired the shot heard round the world but he would have drunk it at the Battle of Bunker Hill when the British were attacking I can just hear Dean electrifying the colonists with his immortal cry don't fire till you see the Reds of their eyes we call the Paul Revere rode through Middlesex County at midnight waking up the revolutionary soldiers sending them from their warm beds to the battlefield Dean would have followed up riding from door to door unselfishly comforting the lonely wives Dean is modest about his patriotism but his pretended ignorance of American history is a sham I know for a fact that he remembers and relives the Whiskey Rebellion force to be deemed that you probably are related to to the original Discoverer of America he too was an Italian when he started out he didn't know where he was going he didn't know where he was when he arrived he didn't know where he had been when he got home it's all we're here to pay tribute to this one man for all seasons despite the fact that members of this dais come from different walks of life and we do with varied political philosophies but isn't that the American Way Here I am from the Democratic Party Barry Goldwater from the Republican Party and we're both here to honor Dean Martin who is in favor of a third party or a fourth party [Applause] they gotta sit up sit up sit up sit you stop to fall asleep and Jimmy right away leans back and we got a lot of trouble anyway you get when I blow the whistle move up to look at the elderly ladies go how do I look Carol nobody's looking at you lady forget it lady never old darling it's what you're feeling your heart you fool around at all the man who probably knows Dean Martin better than anyone else is his television producer for the past 12 years in order to handle talent like Dean a producer has to be strong vigorous and forceful well here he is ladies and gentlemen Dean's longtime producer the dynamic rugged Gary von Gregson [Applause] Thank You mr. Rickles [Music] as you say I've been Dean Martin's television producer for 12 years and the first thing I'd like to do tonight is to say hello to which one easy you mean you build my heart you destroyed my whoa making your nose see this you are I used to be like this he could drive you crazy with those cue cards he could tear your heart out can you read that he can it says hi on [Applause] now it's my pleasure to introduce the great John Wayne Duke it's all over how long can you ride into the sunset murder when they gotta give you a chair Bush onto the horse you're a great man Mary Ann Morris I guess years ago you dressed up and mixed but - that's what all your friends call you do I call you mr. annoying important man a man that made the West and all of us live in a great wonderful wonderful walter mitty world one of the great giants of the motion picture screen mr. John Wayne better known as Duke soon as I figure out what you said I think I'm gonna get star ladies and gentlemen it's nice being here and I hope you don't mind the way I walked out it's just my impression of rich little hello old-timer wait a minute what happened you must have crammed in a lot of living since our last picture I got a 60 year old saddle it looks better than you do [Music] I feel kind of close to this wrinkled old Wrangler cuz Howard Hawks and I sort of broke him into westerns before that he'd made a lot of musical junk you know kissing girls guys leaping all over singing and dancing fancy costumes you know that red silk handkerchief well the first time he showed up on the set Rio Bravo he was decked out all right an authentic cowboy outfit but he had that red silk handkerchief hanging out of his holster hop to him that his pretty jingling Silver Spurs sounded musical but that he had him on backwards incidentally partner that Ganga Motel says he's still owned $200 for the ripped sheets and the cocktail waitress figures that nine dollars out of about due for the pantyhose this by Santa here is some kind of an actor I'll tell you that in fact Dean I really want a Judah co-star with me and my last picture part called for a rave rough tough brawling sidekick I figured you were perfect the studio insisted on Katie Hepburn so when you take in Rooster Cogburn see all those love scenes Dino remember it was supposed to be you and me well another this buffalo butter not jokes I'd be a liar if I didn't tell you that I love this lush he's been my friend for the best years of my life he's done for me what he's done for millions of people all over the world because like so many of you I feel good every time I see him I'm entertained by him I laugh with him as wellas at him when I leave him I worry that he'll find his way home Dino hey you now you live forever and I say this from the bottom of my heart now you live forever may the last voice you hear be mine to you pilgrim [Applause] hey gang it's movie time in the last three years a lot of big stars have appeared on Deans roads and even though they couldn't be here tonight we wanted you to see their touching tribute to Dean I've been watching you on TV for years a lot of years about the way you booze it up I just want to tell you if you fall down tonight I'm not picking you because it's not my job look at Deano you don't know where the hell he is be smiling relaxed he still thinks he's on every week I really wish he wouldn't drink so much Dean claims he only drinks when he smokes right now he's up to eight cartons a day now I think your act about to see a television first Dean accidentally drank a glass of water and he's gonna self-destruct in five seconds thank you mr. Martin and may I say it is very gratifying indeed to see one of my patients doing so well virtuosity bishop [Laughter] right - oh so this virtual sauce came to me fretful that his drinking might set a bad example for his many viewers after only one consultation he vowed that he's this is what he said to me he said no more drinking on the air and this is what he did he would take his tuxedo and dip it in booze and then from time to time he would just suck his sleeve as you can see nothing upsets him nothing nothing upsets him although the energy crisis had him worried he heard they might limit the public to two gallons a day and he thought they were talking about booze you know I know he said that I am his good friend but I think he's got me mixed up with somebody else cuz when I came in here tonight he said hi Ernest I was Julia now you can you said I couldn't say any drunk jokes at home it's ungentlemanly it's unsporting it's not fair to make fun of an unfortunate individual who is the victim of an affliction the demon rum excessive libation is a serious problem I'm sure Dean will drink to that Dean's got so many grapes in him he's being picketed by Cesar Chavez but this might easily be the biggest moment of my life because standing up here on Thursday is with Dean Martin the wino on one side of it Michael Landon the milk drinker on the other side of me while he's fermenting he's curdling remember me but I was your first wife I don't mind the jokes about my size Dean at least they measure my weight in pounds yours isn't quarts you know I've always liked Dean Martin because he did a nice thing for me one time after one of my jumps I was in the hospital and he donated a pint of his blood in my name there was one problem as a little young man and they won't let anybody under 21 have it you and I have Sympatico Dean and I have been on more floors than johnson's wax tonight absolutely thrilled witnessing this remarkable sight Gleason being roasted and Dean's already stood it's nice to find a person that your heritage sitting up [Applause] [Music] [Applause] they don't know he's sitting here nude I just put a tuxedo on the front part in the bottom he's wrong reason syrupy cool he's looking for oil thanks honor I'd like you to meet a man who was my dear friend he is fooling around with my wife [Music] Joey bishop is a fun guy he's the kind of guy when you have a loss in the family bring him as a mourner he doesn't have to know where they are I just said spy the Cask and goes hey it's a damn shame he is Frank Sinatra personally and when they had the Klan Dean and Frank and Peter Lawford I wasn't in that group but Joey was and he used to run in front of Frank's car and check for grenades he's loved below he is a great star and a friend to Dean and to all of us mr. jelly dish the light of the food Bob Hope here thank God it means we're not at war I've known Dean for many years and I consider it an honor and a privilege to have been associated with and know Dean people say yeah does he drink some people say no you know he pretends one night he pretended so well it's the three guys that carry him home he does not pretend Dean Martin drinks I saw him one night walking around what a snake in his hand trying to kill a stick I live until you have seen Dean Martin and a drunken stupor whistling for his dog boy [Applause] I cannot believe that we were here tonight honoring a guy who a few feet away from us cannot see us or hear us and I am so happy to see senator Humphrey here it is something uh I meant to bring up I I hope Senator Avella Jesus with a great deal of respect and I hope you will not be embarrassed by it but about eight or nine years ago we were both in Philadelphia we shared a cab you wish to pay the cab fare but you had no money with you and I want offer to pay the cab fare and you said no no no just lonely ten dollars and let me pay the cat food you remember the incident in Philadelphia okay you have no lines just nod so I couldn't ask them for the ten bucks prices no hey maybe one day he'll be President of the United States and I can very proudly say the President of the United States owes me $10 now what I'd like to say is if you don't think you're going to make it this time I'd like to have [Music] now I've got to give this to Goldwater's I bet him that he would win we'll now take a moment of silence while I introduce this fine gentleman rich little the best and precedence in the world this scientist has told me this time and time again ladies and gentlemen mr. rich little [Applause] [Music] why why why am i thanking don reckless what does this dummy ever done for me oh yeah gave me a minute was pressing him once told me it was a big star gave me a cookie and told me to go away no and I'm wrong nice yeah am I going too fast for you dark or on your navel and float you out here is the Goodyear blimp oh there's tears ah there's Gene Kelly and you know why Gene Kelly stayed so young through the ears his voice never change there's Orson Welles the wings of man John wins here tonight yo and Howard Kelso a man who was slowly becoming a legend in his own mind [Music] and of course Hubert Humphrey is Huber dine please his country I was saying to my wife Muriel just the other day I said Muriel and she said that's right bunler jump-jump-jump sure I [Music] Pauline was here I think this was discussed ladies and gentlemen we are proud and honored to present Dean Martin's first partner Gladys Lewis [Applause] [Music] I've never been so steamed yes since we work together you betcha and you know you didn't make it without me did you I'm sorry I ever made it with you [Applause] oh just harder Joella natural you know I'll never forget the first time that he saw me in a bikini he said oh boy you look like one there's something else you didn't know about Rudolph the red-nosed rummy when I first met him he only sang in the shower well take it from me girls he didn't have much to sing about you know I'm saving it till after I'm married on next Saturday night you know I'll never forget when we went on the nightclub circuit where'd we go Louisiana Texas Florida we never worked up north he did his best working Heat [Music] I went to a plastic surgeon at first the doctor thought it was hopeless and those days they didn't have industrial-strength silicone he used Hamburger Helper and then these beasts left me flat that's the way I found you my way to get into this roast tonight and even though you married somebody else I want the whole world to know our engagement [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Dean has a wonderful wonderful friend that this fine young gentleman became a star overnight he's become magic he really has he's a fine Tony Orlando and Dawn just obscure rocketed to fame I was backstage before and I said Tony how do you feel he said I'm skyrocketing he's a Greek and has Puerto Rican blood and it's a mixture and when he's born and came out as an olive wonderful young star mr. Tony Orlando actually after watching you here tonight Donna I realize I made a mistake one of my songs I should have called it tie a yellow ribbon around don rickles tongue 10 years ago i tried to sell us long UD i love remember that yeah I remember when I went to NBC and pulled in the parking space next to yours I know it was yours because yours was the only one on a slant you suggest to be topic to house so I followed you home you're amazing Dean Martin you're amazing Mulholland Drive has 500 curves and you did it in one straight line [Music] I would like very much to pay tribute to you because after all you were the light you were the one that when I first saw you that I said to myself yes I want to be an entertainer and I can't I can't find a way to express my thanks and I hope this is proper tonight in its roasting tradition to pay tribute to you this way I like to pass on to you a piece of advice the Dean has given me he said prior to going on your show Tony remember three things one be considerate to your audience to be kind to them three be drunk every time I see Georgia Rangel on The Mary Tyler Moore Show I can't get over her sweet and gentle way she's a girl who wouldn't hurt a fly she tried to talk it into committing suicide but she wouldn't hurt ladies and gentlemen a girl who was so considerate if you would she carries extra credit cards for purse snatchers ladies gentlemen Miss Georgia ring once again this time for some more of those hard-hitting zingers the producer gave me to say about the stars here on the dais I hope I don't hurt anybody's feelings but here come the clouds the put down stick and a couple of rim shot hits but um but um I'm glad to see Bob Hope on the dais Bob misses entertaining servicemen so much he bought his old war I'm sorry to say that mr. hope I know how to feel about our men in uniform I saw you earlier today doing a monologue for three bellhops it's a privilege seeing Orson Welles here tonight he's such a great actor they say he used to chew up the scenery and when you look at him it's pretty obvious again I'm glad to see don rickles here i hope the network doesn't see him or they'll cancel this show to come to our guest of honor Dean Martin I said that Dean was bombed this morning with his bed on fire he said don't blame me it was on fire when I got in I saw you earlier this morning and you were exactly where you were last night on the floor in the lobby say anything bad about anybody and that's it for this Thank You Georgia there she goes the ticker bell of the Hells Angels here's a guy those of us in comedy really respect get ready nip see see the data we both take the train to Baltimore he's a real pro and a superb monologist ladies and gentlemen mr. nipsey Russell he wasn't here doctor a checkup does it look great the doctor said he's the best thing for any man's health is to give up women give up whiskey and give up staying out at night Dean's the doctor I don't deserve the best what's the next best is vitality and his dynamism and his youthful appearance I said to him Dean what is the secret how do you look young he said the best way to look young is to hang out with old people to discuss some profound social topics I asked him I said Dean do you think black children should be bused to white schools he said hell no let him take a cab [Applause] that's but it's always sex and drinking and carousing guys don't you know what good clean fun is he said no what good is it he has a very weird sense of humor he takes pornographic film home and runs it backwards he likes to see people get dressed and leave a sober rich or poor cloudy or fair weather I'll stand beside a Dean Martin cuz we Sicilians stick together took much about Dean Martin's past one element which hasn't been touched upon is the fact that in his formative years he was a member of the Boy Scouts we are proud to have with us tonight the leader who helped form our man of the hour his Scoutmaster from Steubenville Ohio mr. foster Brooks this boring ball before me just told you I was Dean Scott Scoutmaster you know in Ohio it's in stupid Ville right here at the MGM Grand Hotel tonight - - - I'm here to salute shoulder my bosom my boo my butt bosom swells with prize something Ruth Ruth Buzzi might even ended you may late break it loose look you may look you mean you may look at me and say it first just hot Costas I see easy for you to say I remember one when this piffle pixie wasn't was a Cub Scout oh happy hours we spent a summer evening sitting around a campfire and out of those short pants rustling our weenies and of course warming our bun these jeans game three was to be a great singer mine was a be a great brain surgeon sorry this laughing log could have been a gifted surgeon he was the first scalp to perform an emergency vasectomy on a date on a great horny owl to this day that is looking for you years walk through any any student Ville woods and you'll hear that bird singing pitifully [Music] anything as I leave you you may ask why all these nice people on this dais have given of their time and traveled many miles to honor Dean Dean Martin as I said before it's a dirty job but somebody's got to do [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] ladies I like to give him a man who I've known for many many years this man has been doing fights since Joe Lewis fought Johnny paycheck but ladies and gentlemen we make fun of Howard Cosell and why not look at it as a fantastic nose when the wind is right he becomes a [ __ ] but that knows where every time he breathes he sucks up as underwear ladies and gentlemen one of the all-time sports casters mr. Howard Cosell such a sweet little thing done they talk about charm schools in my name thank god you're the only guy who's got more cancellations on your record than I have on mine could have been served during this hour then glorifying the Sicilian sponge the staggering tower of pizza this fugitive from the Planet of the Grace we could have used this valuable television time to do a one-hour special on the wit and wisdom of Art Buchwald or a one-minute special on the wit and wisdom of Sonny Bono so perhaps I am remiss in denying Dean this hour of immortality because this is the bicentennial year and Dean has a special way of touching hearts of all Americans maybe he didn't say the memorable words give me liberty or give me death or I regret that I have but one life to give to my country but did Patrick Henry on Nathan Hale ever say word so stirring as when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie [Music] I'd like to have you meet a great comedy team two guys that have never talked to each other you remember that Dean but these two dear friends of mine have been making America laugh for over 25 years that's a long time and I think that you ought to give it up ladies and gentlemen my friends dear ones they are and certainly Dean's Dan Rowan and decline well I I guess you're pretty excited about being here tonight aren't you certainly can a and Don's doing a very creditable job as neat I think he always does you know Don Rickles always reminds me of a blindfolded massage lady a blindfolded massage lady you never know where she's gonna strike next well he's always good for a laugh or two well so is the massage yes certainly a tribute to the guest of honor that this dais is graced with the presence of two men who both of whom have run for the nation's highest office right Hubert Humphrey and John Wayne John Wayne has never run for president well neither is Gerald Ford about competition yes even so yeah we are here tonight yes the pay our respects to one of the funniest and most lovable television personalities in the world right Henny Youngman I suppose you think that's fine nobody sends me a case of booze every time I mention his name I think it's time we spoke about the man America honors tonight your friend and mine Dean mark yeah I love old Dean yeah you know Dean was the man a lot of people don't know this but Dean was the man who put Rowan and Martin on NBC in the program that was later to become laughing yes and we shall be eternally grateful to him for that yes I love the very ground he falls on don't I don't intend to stand up here and do dumb drunk jokes about this guy I happen to know that Dean is one of the most charitable men in all of show business well last year alone he took in 14 wayward girls and gave them a place to sleep all right what about all he gives every year to the Sons of Italy right last year alone he gave them 14 more sons well let's be fair right now for a moment talk a little bit about Dean's accomplishments in our industry personal appearances sold out wherever he appears over 18 gold record not to mention television television I told you not to mention it television he's been doing a variety show on television for 12 years nobody else can say that oh how about Howard Cosell Howard Cosell a variety show blasted a few weeks well it seemed like 12 years this man Dean has made a lot of people proud to be Italian well that wasn't too tough after Mussolini though you realize that of everyone that the number of people who have seen him he's so familiar to the world if everyone who watches Dean on television had voted for senator Goldwater in 1964 and had voted for senator Humphrey in 1968 both of these men would have slept in the White House huh then Susan Ford would really have some to tell her lady I think the time has come to stop filing around and told us follow what you really think about valdine you're the best your great entertainer a loyal friend and one hell of a guy and that goes for both of us saying say good night Nick good night dick good night I would like to say to you Bob because we cannot kid about it I've never liked you you've always annoyed me I don't see how you became a star Gene Kelly always said to me how did he become a star gene tell him what you said years ago he gave me a break on a television show with with here with this nut you not so much let you know win but it's good that your practice standing later on we're gonna have you walking and talking and mixing with people you're gonna have such a good time America loves him he knows Johnny Carson personally [Music] he has traveled all over the world he's home now for a half hour to pick up his laundry and they just asked him off the street to come on in and kill an hour you've done so much in World War two which I was in you came to the front and I had to go and attack the Japanese troops at that time and you said I've done my jokes and he went to the back lines I I was so annoyed I don't care how big you are I'm fed up with you Bob and I'll give you a hundred hours if you'll marry my mother ladies and gentlemen there is nobody there is nobody greater - I never saw you [Music] for sure did they faced you the wrong way I'm proud to be his friend and certainly mr. Martin is a dear friend of this guy ladies and gentlemen a great guy and that's what you can say about a mr. boppo thank you I'm being delighted to be here at these auditions but television that's wonderful to do this and television needs another Dean Martin roast like the CIA needs a press agent but this is a great night this night is about as exciting as watching the Walton family paper-trained their pet rock I haven't been this excited since john davison let me fill his dimples with whipped cream and how about this MGM Grand Hotel huh what mob see the crowds are on the crap table or 12 deep it's the only place in the world where you have to make an appointment to go broke and what room service 24 hours a day you can get anything you want sent up to your room unless your wife is with you and I really had fun playing the slot machines here it's nice seeing three oranges come up and not have Crosby forces kids to eat them [Music] what a super hotel Dean has his own helicopter landing area and he doesn't have a helicopter and it's nice to see senator Goldwater in such distinguished company distinguished company I've seen better bodies blown out of the Hindenburg let's think senator you could have been at the White House watching home movies of Betty Ford doing the hustle with Nazi Tong now that everybody's running for president why not our distinguished host Dean's very popular he has thousands of warm friends and some men friends too and what a vote getter most candidates lean toward the Republican Party the Democratic Party Dean's the only candidate who can lean toward all parties at once we can win some of the crucial primaries Dean has a wide acquaintance in Florida Jackie Gleason we all know how fair-minded Dean is on foreign policy French German Italian Irish Scotch he'll drink it no matter where it's from I think Dean would bring some new life into the administration it should be easy for him his breath would start the windmill attorney and an old Dutch painting he was always made news even as a kid he made medical history he was the first seven-year-old to have a liver transplant yes he's been drinking since he was seven his family didn't know he drank until one day they saw him sucking in a popsicle with an olive in it but I'm proud of him he's from Ohio let me tell you growing up in Steubenville wasn't easy there were some pretty tough characters in Steubenville their idea of underarm protection was a 38 in a shoulder holster being gotta start to show up in the singing with a Sammy Watkins band in Cleveland he got seven dollars a night nine when he didn't show up Dean sang all the pop songs but now all Dean sings is Country and Western and let me tell you Dean singing country-and-western makes as much sense as Gregg Allman giving Sonny Bono a welcome home party Dean was in the Rat Pack those are the happiest days of Dean's life constantly surrounded by three guys who could carry you home now I was prank forgot B to join the Rat Pack it was a private little in-group Frank Dean Sammy Davis Joey Bishop and Peter Lawford they made Las Vegas what it is today the off ramp between Sodom and Gomorrah in spite of it all Dean is one of America's great sex symbols he's sort of a marinated Burt Reynolds [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I would like to say that this gentleman in the business everybody from the day I first started on television was Dean Martin show with Greg garrison and they put a 40 million celebrities in the audience including mr. Hope at the time and just every star that was available that came to watch me and I perspired and I said to Dean I'm frightened to death my goodness and he said no now you be great pally Pullman Greg garrison they believed in me and they gave me an opportunity to be on Dean show he is an unusual man you do not see him at too many social functions he's not a crowd waiver he's just a beautiful human being that the entire industry says like every guy turns around and says boy to be in Dean's company is a fun thing because he's a guy's guy I will not say too much because he would be the first one to say yes hey probably that's it ladies and gentlemen a guy that's loved mr. Dean Martin Furguson distinguished-looking deus for diet I never knew what it was days her diet it looks like the board of directors of a massage parlor remember the famous words of Franz Schubert's mother who once said friends come right back here and finish that fifth it's always good to see my favorite policewoman Angie Dickinson I tell you she's one cop money can't buy I know I was in her dressing room before the show and I tried by the way fuzzy is in great demand on all the TV cop shows who else can play a hit-and-run victim without makeup I love Ruth Buzzi she can do my show anytime but did you ever get a look at her chest looks like two bagels taking a nap [Music] I know why your variety show wasn't the hit I spoke to your wife and she said you haven't been live on Saturday night for years I really feel honored that Senator Goldwater elected to grace this day is tonight tonight is the second time Barry Goldwater has made the people laugh first times when he ran for the presidency it's always a thrill to see my buddy Jimmy Stewart although he's done so many great movies I'll always remember him for his great Philadelphia story Jimmy spent a week with me and Sinatra and Tijuana and told his wife he was in Philadelphia even even though Jimmy is getting on in years he still has all the vitality of a hormone jingle my knee jingle I was one of those guys no when you think of great comedy teams you have to include Laurel Hardy Abbott Costello Rowan and Martin all great comedy teams of the past Joe Namath quarterback for the New York Jets Joe had the same kind of year with the Jets that a beam had with the city and whoa you were beautiful you know from the day bob was born everyone knew that he was gonna be a comedian who could never forget his first words but seriously nursed and needless to say I'm very proud that Senator Hubert Humphrey could join us at the MGM I don't know if you noticed but not once tonight did the senators say I'm pleased as punch that's because I drank it this little does a great impression of President Ford in fact it's so good riches popularity went down in Mohammed don't worry about how your monologue went over tonight I'll talk to the audience and try to get you a rematch it's nice to see Paul and all the time I get to see him Lily's on Hollywood Squares to make you feel at home I want you to pretend Rosemarie is sitting on your head good friend John wing was able to be here tonight I love the way he dresses when he's in those western movies shiny studs are on his shirt a colorful kerchief and high heels I don't know why they call him the Duke they should call him the Duchess and what then and what can you say about arson well that dog Nicholls law hasn't already said that and I'll always love to see while I my friend and buddy Gene Kelly a guy who's always doing things for the less fortunate he just flew in from Texas where he did a telethon to raise funds to build a clinic for sterile fruit flies and it's nice to see Tony Orlando here tonight and thank you Tony for the nice nice words thank you very much well that's about it except I'd like to thank all you on the dais for your friendship and I want you to know I'll remember this night until I get to my car [Applause] you know I've been with NBC for over 20 years and I'd like to thank you all for your loyalty and for looking in and sharing some laughs with us I hope my most talented of friends and I have provided you with a lot of them this evening this has been the most memorable evening for me thanks to Jimmy Stewart Senator Barry Goldwater Gene Kelly Gabe Kaplan John Wayne Howard Cosell Joey Bishop Paul in Georgia angle Rowan and Martin's Tony Orlando by Angie Dickinson senator Hubert Humphrey nipsey Russell Ruth Buzzi Bob foster Brooks Orson Welles Charlie Callas rich little Muhammad Ali and Joe Namath and my host my dear dear friend good night [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Jack Pearce

Views: 7,596,574

Keywords: The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast (TV Program), Dean Martin (Musical Artist)

Id: 4PV1xl6mq98

Length: 101min 25sec (6085 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 26 2014