Eccentric British Comedy - parts 1&2

[Music] i can't give you anything but [Music] you're sure [Music] [Music] i know jasper [Music] oh yes yes i'm all right thanks perfectly all right just a bit tired that's all in fact i think i may go home in a moment i did rather promise manga i turn up the branches of the next green tree against the garden wall before it got dark in the course of that restless night i made a decision which was really quite melodramatic coming from me i've um i've decided to resign mother jasper i'm going to live in paris oh jasper but your job so safe it's almost impossible to be sacked from the civil service is that what i'm seeking out of life mother safety mean am i that boring i i want to live that's all very well dear we all want to live but what will you live on i'll paint oh jasper look what is all this oh jasper mother i feel i have a genuine talent sorry i may not be a genius but my efforts are consistently superior to those of the other exhibitors of the white hall arts club [Music] jasper excuse me madam would you care to take this seat let's never say did you say something and did you say there was another seat uh no man but i think this young lady is about to offer you hers aren't you you don't mind thank you suddenly i realized that a new chapter in my life was about to open my umbrella would have to go let this be the first gesture of revolt a bore indeed that was not how mark fairweather would view me when i handed in my [Music] what's resignation in your buttonhole deltinium never saw that in a man's buttonhole before the flowers that bloom in the spring drala how would you like a complete change of routine a break from all this out with the in tray out with the out tray well as a matter of fact mark i would like a break and i was intending to tell you today i want to resign no no i can't have that we have a job that's a little out of the ordinary it requires tact and discretion so i'm asking you to tackle jasper oh there's an outlying division of the ministry it's very small which seems to become rather isolated from headquarters it has a start of only three an obscure university don called pollock's a statistician called quirk and a female person it's called output statistics its purpose was to collect and analyze the output of foreign publications but frankly it was set up rather hurriedly during the battle of britain and has never been screened for redundancy but since 1940 you mean the ministry has forgotten it for 17 years not forgotten jasper overlooked it's quite different they're in a big house on the border of norfolk and suffolk belongs to a um black woodsman pier the earl of flamberra here's their output for the past three months good lord now i don't want to put words into your mouth you have a completely free hand of course but it would do your career no harm at all if you were to find that its work during and immediately after the war was of immense value but its usefulness is now over and it should be wound up instantly oh no i i don't think this is my cup of tea mark you'll go tomorrow take your painting kit the place is called arkady hall good luck jasper it was after all a good umbrella and it might rain even in arkady there's an unchanging look about this part of the world isn't there oh i do hope so i can't bear to read about estates being broken up and all those lovely old houses going to rack and ruin or being given over to government departments or lunatic asylums yes i'm going to want this be partly taken over by a government unit hall flamborous place what are you going there for tact and discretion oh just for social reasons and to do some painting do you know arkady hall then well i met wolf lambora quite often when i was a girl and then after the war i mean the first world war of course parsons daughters couldn't quite compete then he married a really lovely person lady flanders mabel he's odd of course even odder since his accident oh dear what accident during the general strike he volunteered to drive an engine he'd always be mad about trains he was at norwich or somewhere getting up steam or whatever it is one does when some of the railway men who were on strike molested him he was polishing the brass on the nameplate i believe when they got into the cab and let the brake off the train started to move and as bertie lord flamborough tried to clamber onto the footplate he fell under the wheels run over by his own engine had to have both legs amputated awful i'm sure you won't find him at all morbid besides he has three beautiful daughters and i'm sure you'll enjoy their company oh no no i've discovered i haven't got what it takes with girls besides i don't have time with my painting i'm staying at flaxfield with my old nanny i may well pop over and have a look at some of your work well almost finished may i see it by all means i'm afraid it may seem rather dull and old-fashioned to a young artist [Music] so [Music] excuse me uh the last train to arcade hasn't gone yet yes sir it went four years ago i had booked in at the verley arms named after the family which had occupied arkady hall for 400 years [Music] not even paris could have competed with my first poignant sight of the hall in the moonlight [Music] i set off eagerly the next morning i had telephoned the professor and pretended i was just making a casual visit [Music] would my powers of diplomacy be up to the task ahead in the face of such majestic beauty i felt it unbefitting to enter through the main gates [Music] i found a more modest and altogether more suitable entrance [Music] so are you the man from the ministry i'm up here they tell me you're coming wait a minute and i'll come down you're not what i expected what did you expect grey striped trousers an umbrella and a bowler hat and probably pants nay i'm sorry to have to disappoint you cracky i'm not disappointed apart from the umbrella you look quite dashing you'll do excellently we're distinctly short of able-bodied men in these parts come on what's your name uh jasper jasper pine and and belinda oh you must be one of lord flanders daughters yes the wicked one are you married i know best friend not now well clear then whizzo i want to try and find professor pollocks really no good looking friend now he's gone to flaxster to arrange about the marquee for the fate won't be back till this afternoon you'd only find quirky who bore you with the latest batting averages you better come and see daddy he's always glad of company what a labor it would be keeping all these hedges trimmed we leave all that sort of thing to the prof the mummy sees to the flowers she's a mad king gardener i'm rather fond of gardening myself then you make a hit with mummy i can see you settling down here for quite a while you can't go before monday anyway the fate's on monday what fate is this we hold it every august bank holiday it's a native fallen women i beg your pardon the fund for fallen women girlies like me but who haven't been so careful well i don't suppose i'll be able to stay that long uh and anyway it doesn't sound quite my line not interested in fallen women then not as a social problem i i must admit not in the mass you mean no not in the mass but individually perhaps yes perhaps individually thanks be for small mercy anyway oh no i don't mean i have no feeling for him it just isn't a problem i've come up against you will oh i'm so sorry no harm done that's a lot better i think you've got more feeling for fallen women than you think you have um i i thought we were supposed to be going towards the hall oh daddy doesn't live in the hall any longer he's down at the station across the park belinda will you stop spooning for a moment and help me with the bridge coming mommy why your father chooses to exile us goes to the far side of the park i cannot imagine i should get a girlfriend to look after him and save my poor feet never mind mummy it keeps you fit and jasper will carry your plants oh of course how'd you do thank you so much now linda yeah you'll have to interrupt your studies and go up to the hall quirk you want someone to help him sort out all the bunting but i was taking jasper to see daddy well jasper can come with me who is jasper by the way he's the man from the ministry i didn't know we were expecting one still you'll uh lunch with us of course thank you very much ladies now run along linda make sure quirky gets out the flags of all nations as well as the bunting see you later i didn't realize you were one of the professors people i thought you were just one of linda's suitors i really must apologize ladies and gentlemen that's quite all right there's always plenty of lunch bertie it's enough for three doing good to go without his third helpings come and see my aspardistras it's too cold for them in east anglia but i've managed to grow some in the shelter of the chapel ruins they're flourishing like stink horns look they're flowering amusing aren't they what a romantic sight this is slugs all done by slugs they fertilize the blossoms how long has this been in ruins oh as long as anyone can remember they used to hold village weddings here when bertie was a boy quite irregular of course but the village people still have an idea that if a child is fathered on one of the girls here it ranks as being born in wedlock whether the parents are married or not what a convenient legend rather a prickly place for a tryst but it certainly suits the aspardistras yes they look like native wild flowers but i suppose they really come from cashmere or tibet i get them from thompson and morgan they're shilling a plant these are all aspardistra elattio that's very garter and uh we call that the milky way this is a verigata exotica when this is aspedistry lurider what are these here oh those are primulas primula obconica that's matilda and this is asperger's typica which is nearly time for lunch my youngest matilda funny girl spends all her time reading old-fashioned thrillers and waiting to be seduced by a sinister monk she'll grow out of it bertie i've got a man from the ministry to lunch this is jasper i don't know his other name can you dance the charleston i'll give him a stiff drink he's carried my plants across the park oh damn decent of you what will you have like to try one of my manhattans or my special dark lady or angel's tears oh uh well i'll have whatever you're having lisa oh i think it should be a dark lady today just sit down good boy thank you sir i think you have a private coach on the line sir i own it oh you own the coach i own the railway i bought the branch line station and all when they closed it railway people may be a president of the locomotive and the fellow called jones found the coaches in a sighting of palmer's green he's always got an eye for a bargain the railway people said i could have them for some if i could get them here now see how you like this thank you sir yes is one of the ingredients um and no beetroot it's cheaper delicious [Music] did you get the the coaches down here blackmail your footplate men were threatening to come out on strike jones told the local branch of the union that he'd arranged for me to appear on television waggle me stumps and tell them how it was a real woman's fault i lost my legs in 1926. i wouldn't have done it of course but they they couldn't risk it i ran the coaches down here what the strike was on there was a lot of confusion on the railways at the time clean the coaches and oil the engine before they went and elected me vice president of the flexfield branch of the union luncheon is ready give me a push that's good fellow thank you over there yes thank you very much yeah always did enjoy eating on the train meals weren't always what they might have been but now i have the best of both worlds home cooking and a change of scene oh is chloe in the cab yes dear our eldest daughter shouldn't boast i suppose but she's a damn good engine driver 117 yes [Music] care to flag her out oh thank you [Music] 119 precisely will you have soup it's malaga tony thank you don't slap it tilly when you've done that tilly go into the saloon and put bug house blues on the phonograph [Music] what's happening here very nice we have a splendid full course lunch all served by matilda while the train made the journey to flaxfield and back lady belinda seems to suggest that you you lived on the train of course front coach is a sleeper very comfortable it is too ah this is where you get off young man arkady halt 2 26 one minute late not chloe's fault i told you we didn't want the claret tickled up well hurry up young man i'll be really late back at the terminus that won't do [Music] [Music] hello i'm i'm the archivist of the department of output statistics hello i'm jessica the professor sent me along to welcome you we heard on the grapevine you'd probably arrive on the flamberro flyer hope you're none the worst for the experience and i've had an excellent lunch they usually wrote me in as firemen i uh i gather you're on a tour of inspection oh hardly that no i've just come to discuss the work with professor pollock and with you of course i must say it's all very well kept up even the most all the professors doing really i i wouldn't thought he had much time with the statistical work well he doesn't neglect his work you'll find everything shipshape professor is a great stickler for order and method oh no no i didn't i wasn't um i i wasn't uh i haven't come to ah welcome to arcade mr pie [Music] how do you do professor i uh i hope i haven't arrived at an inconvenient time in arcade mr pie we are fortunate having more time at our disposal than you restless people in london our place of business was erected some 470 years ago more than a hundred years before the fragment that remains of your thousand white hall with so much time behind us we should be cherished if we didn't spare a wee bit for so rare a pleasure as a visit from the ministry well uh good at first we'll show you to your room later you will move out of the very arms won't you now we know that you're here before that i will show you the office i can see you're impressed by our workroom and rightly so this is miss mounty our department secretary how do you do how do you do it what a magnificent room how do you manage to get any work done oh it's most convenient the mouse i'm i'm sorry to say that miss muncie here is known as the mouse i don't think she bears us any ill will because of it she sits there by the window i sit opposite the fireplace at that refectory table and the professor sits at the far end up on the desk i always tell clerk when he has any bother with his fighting system one only has to look at the ceiling and one will find described analyzed indexed and cross-indexed the human character in all its fibers and quirks foibles and quirks where do you keep all your files these are the arms of the berlin family they indicate the relationships by marriage on which the family fortunes were based it is quite extraordinary mr pie how the velvet family have kept itself to itself it's fascinating where do you keep uh all your foreign publications since the 17th century there has hardly been a single instance of a fairly marrying anyone who was not related to them lady flamberra is second cousin to her husband their eldest daughter chloe is married to her first cousin lyle hello again yes hello again do you like being kissed well yes i mean of course i uh what i mean is some men don't like being kissed they prefer to do the kissing themselves oh i see you mean there's a difference between active and passive kissing yes if you'd like to put it that way i like both as a matter of fact first i'd like to be active then passive then both at the same time well i suppose i should say that i like kissing more than being kissed it's a more manly attitude really isn't it but uh though i wouldn't have dreamt of kissing you when i tried on your toe just now i must admit i did rather enjoy being kissed by you you ought to see how you like being the kisser instead of the one who's kissed would i yes you would in a moment i'm going to offer you my lips or cheek or ear whatever you choose and i'll be jolly disappointed if you don't see how you like it i wouldn't dream of disappointing you how much would you prefer lips cheek or ear you kiss beautifully jasper is a ball i suppose i'm enjoying myself too much to help me carry these plants linda i promise to take them to a woman in the village i thought i'd enjoy the walk but they're heavier than i thought i'll take them um i have to get my things from the pub ah you're going to stay at the house good linda run along and make sure jasper's going to be comfortable and imagine quirky is very strong on bodily comforts oh yes i'd like to make sure jasper's comfortable mommy see you soon i really must apologize lady family no nonsense you could possibly stay at the pub no i i mean um for rather embarrassing meetings i'm never embarrassed if you'll take a middle-aged woman's advice you'll never be embarrassed either but i really ought to explain no don't try the ways of the ministry are quite inscrutable you may be an agent from mi5 for all i know doesn't matter in the slightest as long as you don't mind carrying the bridal wreath the bridal wreath uh i i have to tell you that the situation in which you found us was quite uh fortuitous fortuitous amusing i never heard it called that before but tell me how do you like the bridal reef lady flabber look i i have to tell you i have no intention of getting married no you can have one all the same i'd give you that one if i hadn't promised it to a cottager in the village you mean this pot plant is what is known as the bridal reef sparrier thank you very much lady fan right i'd love one i'd like to book out there's nothing wrong with my room um it's just that i've been invited to stay at arkady hall not as the guest of professor duncan mcallister pollux professor of pomposity at the university of aberdeen yes i am the guest of professor pollock's well my dear sir kindly remember to spell it with a p and not a b don't take any notice of him it's just his little joke he don't always see eye to eye with the professor but the professor's done a lot of good for arkady his lordship needs someone like him to manage the estate for him mr jones what can i get you like the pigs here please dimple evenly gents lovely time of year for the weather jones are you the man who got the railway coaches for lord flamber so what if i am um i believe you have the collector's bug i may have something for you oh yes i bought a ticket from liverpool street to arkady yesterday no you can't have the line ends at flaxfield the branch line to arcade was closed four years ago yes i didn't know that and neither it seems to liverpool street station this is a collector's item liverpool straight to arkady and dated four years after they closed the line this is the ticket equivalent of the unperforated stamp what do you want for it oh no you're welcome to it there's no use to me oh much obliged to you sir i dare say you don't realize the value of a curiosity like this to a student of serendipity like myself serendipity what that blazes is serendipity something naughty i'll be bound serendipity is the lucky chance by which i picks up unconsidered trifles and i don't mean picking up glasses in a bar hey that's meant for me isn't it steady mr jones was just having his little joke like what you did earlier i can take a joke as well as the next man but if some tapani hate me cockney pipsqueak who's only here on sufferance is gonna make offensive remarks please he was only joking i don't want you to think i can't take a joke jens is all right really thinks we're all a lot of old husbands down here and i expect he's right but you see the family motto the burley family motto up there hick manamus here we stay relics that's what we are collectors pieces that's why this picker up of unconsidered trifles finds us of interest with something to stick in his scrapbook who on earth was that that was only lionel verley husband of lord flambert's oldest daughter chloe and heir to the title and the estate funny old world in it [Music] hello oh hello allow me thank you do you bat or bowl or vote i can see you're a cricketer we should be glad of you for the flaxfield match on saturday our derby game it's our 100th match this season we're almost short of players at harvest time oh well i do play a bit i suppose my batting isn't quite as indifferent as my bowling but uh i'm totally out of practice naturally that's what i've come to tell you we're practicing now lionel our champion batsman is already at the net oh no i hardly think he's in a fit state for cricket practice um i haven't had any kits well of course not that's what i've come to tell you i found you a spare pair of trousers and a pair of boots and a place to change no no wait i don't really know [Music] cricket seems to take up a lot of your time not to the neglect of my duties oh no no no i didn't i wasn't good lord [Music] classy [Music] not enough ballast yeah knocked him in the old kent road [Music] half a pint on the stumps and a large scotch for anyone who catches me sounds good [Music] never mind it's your batting we're playing you for oh it's a tradition of the club we retrieve the ball ourselves when it's been hit into the woods [Music] [Music] you won't find anything unless you look [Music] you won't hear anything unless you listen who is it who are you where are you you won't find what you want by looking on the ground in the tree aren't you who are you i'm the ghost of bonnie prince charlie in the bosque bell oak oh it wasn't bonnie prince charlie who sheltered in the bottom of the look it was uh charles ii and uh this is a beach tree ah well i'm the ghost of charles ii then um you seem to be the wrong sex for charles ii [Music] i'm hermaphrodite actually i'm a lost soul i can't take on human form male or female at will can you catch well yes of course i can catch i'm a newly elected member of the kidney cricket club sir can you cash in your eyes closed i could try well walk forward till you're standing underneath the lowest branch of the tree [Music] hold out your arms and close your eyes if you open them i shall put a spell on you and you'll become a lost soul too [Music] cat [Music] you rather a butterfingers aren't you well i wasn't with because i was your handful look um would you mind losing your stranglehold i'm having trouble getting up only if you swear to keep your eyes shut i swear ah another fortuitous situation you promised you wouldn't open your eyes now you've lost me [Music] my cottager was delighted with the bridal wreath oh good i do hope your work is going well well i don't seem to be having much time really but with them uh one thing in another well life can be so full can't it is this what you were looking for with your eyes shut it is marked in a 17th century plan as the eating room and that is how it is still described today although the company that usually sits here consists of just three civil servants we do respect tradition and adhere to the all the terminology i hope mr pai will not refer to it in your report as the canteen oh no my report will be considered the work done not with the topography of the office so you are going to write a report mr pai i had put my own interpretation on your visit but this is the first direct information i have been given of its purpose uh since you know that i'm preparing a report perhaps we can discuss the unit's work now no oh well it doesn't matter then there's plenty of times we have to attend a conference in lord flamber's train to decide on the program for the fate perhaps you'd join us yes i'd like that i'm ready of pi you are good to join in are you not you two are an arcadey now i'll come in proff come in quirky i'm glad to see you've brought this young fellow from the ministry you'll have some ideas for us he tells me he conducts the charleston he's a useful opening bet oh shall we begin i should like to propose that lordship takes the chair seconded declined i never could be trusted with fallen women let's take our orders from the prof as usual the lord has spoken i have much pleasure in second in the professor for the chair of female delinquency agreed lord ladies and gentlemen and jones i appreciate your confidence in me the marquee and the catering are in hand and i have a raise for the provision of a pig and a set of bulls of which to pull for them i have also secured a suffolk ham which will be suspended from a tree and awarded to the competitor who succeeds in pinking it with a foil or ap blindfolded i hope you've arranged john's ambulance people to be present we must have fireworks oh that would come under any other ideas lately belinda we are at present considering the chairman's report her leadership has agreed to organize the flower show and the lady chloe is arranging a sweetie stall i propose to call on mr jones to put his talents as a salesman at our disposal and run a jumble seal jumble jumble not on your life [ __ ] call it relics and curios if you like or treasure trove not jumbo right that concludes the chairman's report we come now to the next item on the agenda any other ideas i believe you suggested pyrotechnics lady belinda well i think we should have fireworks rockets catherine wheels golden rain and a set piece i suggest illustrating a woman in the act of falling flagrante delicto sorry right i'll organize the fireworks then shall i i'm all lit up lit up like a christmas tree if you're talking of a firework display i suggest all you need to do is set a match to my breath what about mr pie huh yes what about mr spy well uh uh perhaps i could arrange something in the nature of uh uh uh treasure hunt well i forgot to mention that it's already been arranged it's been organized by the kitties from the primary school think again chum why can't he put on a demonstration of the charleston i dare say the village girls will gladly pay six months of time for a hop with him i have an idea our shy mr pie is not too keen perhaps mr pie has a talent for fortune telling we did very well with madame fatima last year yes and the chiropodist from flaxfield who did it has moved to breitling sea i used to know a little girl from breitling sea name of ada platinum blonde just threw me over report butcher pity still never mind i got susie now ignoring their contribution what do you see mrs pie to impersonating madame fatima well i've never done that sort of thing and i'm not sure that i'd be very convincing and i'm not sure that i'll still be here oh he'll still be here i know what mr pie could do convincingly he could kiss the girls as a shilling a time yes or even half a crown oh really lady belinda really lady matilda it's a role more suited to lionel i'm not kissing any girls i've got my susie to deal with do we know who this susie is could be that chorus girl from lowestoft is there any more any other business how about an ankle competition i'm sure mr pie is a very good judge of ankles i was getting a bit irritated by the assumption that i was interested in kisses and ankles well right then yes i'll judge ankles but i couldn't say no to everything a good man i knew you'd stay traction engines will you be quiet it's any other ideas this isn't any other idea it's a traction engine rally idea and i had the idea and i've organized it for the fate you've organized attraction engine rally yes duck i mean i've been round all the pubs in thetford and this and beckles and bungay and i've rallied the black cats 11 engines will assemble on the green at noon on bank holiday monday and i must go suzy's outside outside final pretty come on prof come and meet susie this is preposterous outrageous but i haven't even finished any other ideas yeah wheel me to the door jonesy there's a good fella who must see what she's like i never can be sure with lionel's girls [Music] isn't she a smasher well we'll receive her fallen into an error of deduction perhaps he really has organized this rally [Music] oh not again please of course probably that's what we want magnums and jeroboams are badly oh they're going to lie down for a little while first lineup it's just like a wife always fussing like an old hen [Music] will you bring me the brandy ducky you stay there darling i'll see if i can find some he'll fall off to sleep now he usually does thank you should we go down to the battery and have a drink ourselves i could do with one do you mind sitting in one of these awful chairs i'll see what there is to drink i keep the door locked when lion's in one of his states i don't like to risk him going down the dungeon steps and breaking his neck what fascinating names these rooms have gamma sprung moonlight room gilded turret gothic chamber sir almeric's room are you all right [Music] [Music] [Music] is it lionel oh chloe you are so sweet i felt that on my first day at arkady hall i had lived through half a lifetime i had been given the moonlight room it didn't take me long to realize why that was its name [Music] it was hard to believe that it was little more than 48 hours since i'd overheard deidre saying yes i know jasper is a bull i couldn't put out of my mind the picture of matilda at the window of the ruined chapel gazing at me so earnestly from those deep penetrating eyes i recall how she kissed me her kisses had been innocent yet curiously intense and passion [Music] i thought of belinda how different how abundantly real was belinda i couldn't deny that i was still tingling with the physical contact of that kiss never caught this and yet only half an hour ago i'd been kissing chloe in the dungeon that kissed it seemed to mean something to be an expression of true emotion [Music] i suppose it was quite appropriate for a civil servant to be kissed in triplicate but it had prevented me from getting down to my investigation of the work done by output statistics [Music] there's something odd and improbable yet rather peacock about the real moonlight falling on the imitation moonlight of the paintings [Music] moonshine was it all moonshine the girl in the tree the pier in the pullman car was it all a midsummer night's dream from which i should awake to sober reality in the morning come to me at midnight in almeric's room come to me that sounded like a woman but which woman chloe wouldn't act like that belinda might i could imagine la belle sauvage disporting herself with bowen arrow or matilda she had that romantic gothic streak [Music] i might never find out who it was unless i found the answer to an even more urgent question where was sir alma xrom i'd been dreaming dreaming about arrows and secret rooms or had i been dreaming had i only dreamt that i'd got dressed searched the house for almerek's room on the center of that mysterious message and never found them i hadn't been dreaming it was time to get down to work mark fairweather hoped that i would suggest the closure of the department of output statistics i needed to find out much more about it and quickly if i was to justify such a recommendation good morning mr pie ah uh good morning ms nancy uh i i was hoping to have a word with uh with professor pollock's oh he's going to see the rector about the arrangements for the fate oh well as long as it's something vital well perhaps i could have a chat to mr quirk he's gone with the professor can i help well since every other member of the department of output statistics is seeing the rector yes i hope you can i'm sorry i hope that didn't sound rude please do sit down how long have you been here mrs nancy well nearly five years mr quirk got in touch with me through a cricketing friend of his in the ministry of works and i thought suffolk would make a pleasant change from dullage village where i lived and and has it well yes although it is rather difficult for a girl to fit in here the way the professor and mr quirk do for instance yes they do fit in here then oh yes they're really part of the place the professor knows every detail about the history and architecture of the hall and uh with mr quirk it's cricket and village life and louis lambert doesn't mind them being here oh on the contrary i don't suppose you could afford to keep the place going himself and he'd never find a land agent or baylor to look after the estate the way the professor does i see so he leaves all that sort of thing happily to the professor does he oh he never interferes quite honestly i don't think he'd dare to everyone's just a bit frightened of the professor now these uh uh statistics how do you actually go about the process of collating them i don't have much to do with the statistics except for typing them um mr quirk is the statistical expert you should see the marvellous graphs he makes up in connection with the county qriket championship so if mr quirk is the statistical expert what exactly does the professor do he runs the department yes yes of course uh now you have no other staff how do they manage when you go and leave oh lady belinda lends a hand oh she can time can she lady belinda is a very capable person yes so i gather yes uh someone was saying i i think that uh she was very good at uh archery archery not lady belinda but i mean not to my knowledge anyway oh may i have a look of course so the porto chronicle reports that 80 of clam distribution is now centralized in portugal you're a very privileged young lady miss muncie to work with such interesting material [Music] with the professor mr quirk away there wasn't a lot i could do good morning mr pie good morning mr valley how are you this morning very well tech top four good lord i mean oh good i believe i'm in your debt dear boy i'm sorry my wife tells me that you helped her put me to bed poor old chloe i'm a handful well yes i did actually it was a pleasure uh not a pleasure exactly i mean i was pleased to do it uncommonly i understand you had a drink and a chat with her yes i did have uh drinking the chapter damn decent of you i'm glad to know there is still some gentleman about do you fancy um a hair of the dog oh no no oh it's a bit early for me really it's extraordinary so why didn't it make for me wants her elevenses i felt a little awkward in lady flamber's presence it was the first time she'd come across me when i wasn't being kissed by one of her daughters morning lady flabber all on your own this morning i see yes bad luck would you like to give her her littles oh thank you yes i would let's tear a small piece off and hold it out to her she'll take it quite politely uh does she have letters for elevenses every morning yeah she won't touch cucumber i don't seem to have the knack she doesn't seem to fancy you mr pie [Music] what are you painting ah i thought the house would look rather good from this viewpoint wait a minute i've got a better idea [Music] do you do nudes uh there was a live class at the school of art i went to but i never really kept it up models are expensive i'm not i'm free i i i meant professional models i'm not a professional model i know but i can keep still for an eternity and i shall charge you anything i don't think i'd really be suitable i'm not here i wasn't proposing to strip down in the garden there are plenty of places i know surround rick's room [Applause] you'll get the best light to the left of that window assuming that you're right-handed oh yes i'm i'm right-handed good some reason i'm faintly mistrustful of men who are left-handed no idea why must be something freudian oh i shouldn't have thought there was anything very freudian about you surely i'm troubled by um complexes are you not normally but i suppose that deep down i'm a dreadfully conventional person it's more conventional to be right-handed isn't it it's more usually what's usual isn't quite the same as what's conventional though is it it's a terribly profound remark isn't it look you you sure this is all right what's the matter well nothing but i mean it wouldn't be able to ask your mother first ask my mom an extraordinary idea but you can if you like mama mama jasper wants to pay me in the nude and he wants to ask your permission first that's okay isn't it yes of course that's okay how do you like me splendid no please don't take any else off now i just couldn't have a shot at your torso only not at full length i think i'm better at full length no no i'm going to paint you from the waist up i'm turned uh slightly to your right so if you just uh sit down please thank you and uh lean forward very very slightly thank you no no that's that's not quite right um it's you're all hunched up could you just be um natural someone arrange me how you want me push me about i don't mind being handled i like it breasts okay yes um quite okay you compare very favorably to uh gabrielle who's gabrielle girlfriend of yours oh uh no she was uh renoir's model yes he he painted her scores of times you can certainly compete with her from the from the waist up i'll show you the rest as soon as you've finished thank you it's only your choice i'm interested in yeah what a pity just hold that there yeah that's it i just want to catch that sulky look don't move please don't say a word [Music] you can ease up now i wasn't actually sulking you know i was really disappointed i honestly think the bottom half's just as good well we've got quite enough to do with the top half today you know um telling the truth i'm getting really excited about the result i'm glad you're getting excited about something i was beginning to think you were rather a cold fish the question of whether i'm a cold fish or not doesn't really enter into conversations i'm trying to paint a picture sorry jasper [Music] that gabrielle was she renoir's mistress i haven't the least idea oh sorry she was his son she used to look after his children i'd like to be your servant i'd look after your children quite confidently i think i haven't got any children i'm not married i know but you might have children just the same oh look really ladybug i'm not that kind of person oh dear but do you have to address me as lady belinda sorry um belinda i'm afraid i was being a bit pompous people do say i am you're not pompous you're sweet [Music] do you think we shall become lovers really i'm trying to concentrate on the underlying form it presents rather a lot of problems i imagine a lot of things present rather a lot of problems for you sorry no it's all right i've almost finished yes i suppose i do tend to look for difficulties i don't i always do what's easiest it's much pleasanter and you think it would be easy for us to become lovers dear it might present some difficulties but i'm sure they could be overcome well i think i've finished all i can for one city that's it yes if you care to but please bear in mind it's only a rough skin gosh jasper it's absolutely super however do you manage it thank you very much belinda for modeling for me now i really want to pack up all these things and put them somewhere don't live already coming in and staring at it until it's finished you could put everything behind the tapestry there's an alcove in the wall over there nobody ever looks there except when the tapestries are spring cleaned here you are plenty of room you'll find a shelf in there for your brushes and paints how do you like me [Music] i suppose this may be liable to misinterpretation behind the tapestry this is from almerick's room so called alpha salamanding family who was answering ordinary jewish hello mr pie may i introduce miss tidy miss tidy mr pie mr pie and i met on the flaxfield train the day before yesterday professor oh these tapestries are exquisite oh um may i see you sometime uh professor to discuss the uh the work of your department of course my dear pie my time is yours and shall we say 10 minutes impossible oh miss tidy knew this house is a young lady she was i believe very taken with his lordship lord flambler was a handsome man while he still had his legs miss tidy has expressed a wish to see every nuke and cranny every nuke and cranny this depicts action the celebrated husband son of aristeas who was changed into a stag he doesn't seem to become a stag yet who's the lady without any clothes on uh that is artemis the huntress the maiden divinity who was never conquered by love a dangerous lady ate by oh yes a very dangerous lady when her chastity was threatened by orion she slew him with an arrow in this design you see artemis being spied on by action she changed him into a stag and he was torn to pieces by 50 dogs oh yeah i think that's slightly drastic even for a peeping tom i'd have thought may i feel the closeness of the weave oh no um here's something you undermine watching almost heavy these these uh bed bed hangings are of infinitely finer a workmanship the mr pie shows good taste these bed hangings are indeed a superb quality how exquisite how enchanting observes the quaint archaic spelling a rabbit spilt r-a-b-e-t and hawk spelt h-a-u-k oh and what a hawk too he'd miss nothing would he rather like yourself professor who's been disturbing this bed have you been having a siesta mr pie oh perhaps it was artemis but we don't want you turned into a stag do we mr pie not before saturday's cricket match anyway well perhaps you should move on miss tidy i should mention that there are no less than four exits in this room artemis or one of her as i myths about to say there are four secret doors and sliding panels in this [Music] room i was mistaken the sliding panel must be in the other wall [Music] perhaps you should move on miss tidy i must just have another look at these bed hangings do you know who did them and berlin really anne boleyn herself ah exquisite i really think we should go miss tidy well i never the things one finds i beg your pardon ambulance monogram a b what a discovery ah i think this must be your handkerchief i picked it up by the bed it had been a nerve-wracking encounter i sought peace and quiet in the gardens have you finished my daughter off well uh your painting of belinda is it done ah well uh half done is it good that's hardly for me to say well that sounds promising i beg your pardon bad artists never stop talking about their work good artists seldom do did i see the professor looking out of the window with you oh yes you were showing a lady called miss tidy around the house you're a little tidy she was in love with percy once i picked her to the post you seem a little flustered mr pie are you all right oh do i oh no i'm all right what a reticent young artist you are i'm sorry if i'm disappointing you never mind there's anything to be told i'm sure i shall hear it from the professor and miss tidy [Music] my [Music] oh dear what a sigh [Music] somebody else unhappy oh no i'm just a little weary it's so warm thank you for last night i was very grateful miss lionel said he was grateful too he was he was full of remorse this morning oh good i know it isn't good he can't face his remorse so it drives him to drink i don't suppose he'd have been grateful if he'd known that you kissed me i shouldn't have done it glad you did would you like a drink yes very much [Music] i've been going out with her for a year or so off and on never really worked as a relationship this is odd what is well being able to talk about deirdre ladies without any feeling of disloyalty or distress it's over you see she thinks i'm boring well probably i am i don't think you're boring well i don't feel boring with you i i think you have a natural gift for inspiring confidence and confidence is is it because there are no confidences with lying i don't even want to think about my life with love can i help it's very kind of you but and it's none of your concern i'd like to help nobody can help nothing's ever as bad as it seems no it isn't that's why i feel so ashamed of myself for behaving like this a room with very little interest you wanted a meeting with mr pie i think it's about time we had one my office may commend itself to your masters in the white hall here we are not making free of the taxpayer's money we do not even boast the regulation square of carpet sit down mr pie but not too heavily we can't afford a cushion for the chair and there is i feel woodworm in the seat may i ask you professor what it is about your job here that has encouraged you to live in obscurity when you could be making a name for yourself in the universities or in whitehall you may indeed well i just have and i am considering my reply an important question like that demands a careful consideration i mean um what is it about the statistical unit that you see as being so important you have asked it two completely different questions mr pi in answering the first i shall employ a simple statistic thereby by implication answering the second you have been here two days i have been here 17 years two days 17 years eloquent statistics have i answered your questions uh i i'm not sure professor pollock's the job of your unit is to collate and analyze foreign publications is it not now there are so many aspects of this about which i need to question you such as such as can you possibly see all foreign publications if not i mean how do you select them how do you acquire them in what way do you collate them by what criteria do you analyze them in what precise way do you employ statistics and what is the overall purpose of your work even so eminence or statistician like myself cannot answer seven questions at once mr pie professor in considering the future of your department so that is what your report is all about we are in danger of being disbanded i had my suspicions but this is the first direct intimation of its purpose and mr pie if i am fighting for my life will you give me time to prepare my case how much time do you require will you wait until after monday will you allow me to concentrate on my feet when i no longer have half my mind on the fate that seems fair good you will no doubt find ways of abusing yourself in the interim after the events of the morning i felt unequal to sitting down to lunch with the professor i decided to have some sandwiches in the vurley arms i realized as soon as i entered i'd made a mistake have a pint of bitterness sandwich please simple uh mustard or horseradish um mustard please english how are you getting on with those statistical chaffees you've got to give them the push have you tell them the show's over mr lionel i'm sure mr pie doesn't want to talk about work there we are sir that'll be two and six sandwich ah right thank you no no i i'm just here to have a look at things i wouldn't blame you if you did give them the push and never seem to do anything the woman you know the mousey buttons is the only one i ever see working but you'll find it difficult to give them the push when you get to know them better the professor's as pompous as a pumice stone and quirks about as much fun as a flip face flannel but you find you get to like them you see my wife till today well i i did run into her yes good man i hope you were nice to her i hope you cheered her up williams i i i think i was nicer i i hope i hope i um cheered her up good man there aren't many gentlemen left as i walked becoming increasingly conscious of the remoteness and isolation of arkady from the outer world i thought about lionel's remarks curiously i felt no guilt at exploiting his drunkenness arkady was already beginning to make me feel quite immoral lord flamberry's train wasn't in the station but jones the curious cockney collector was a new knockout oh good afternoon hey you're interested in cigarette cards because i've got a few swaps of wills's cricket there's 1901 or an ogden's golden guinea thank you i i don't collect cigarette cards oh well the bloke one gives me a ticket from liverpool street to arkady dated four years after the line closed deserves something in return autograph sent how about a little titch are bobby jones i don't collect autographs either to tell you the truth i didn't collect anything well let's get back to the hall i'll keep you company if you don't mind i always enjoy a ladder oh any use to you no it's used clipped in two places see single from flaxfield to marketing can't make out the date there's a message around the edge meet me in the chapel ruins at 6. is that for you do you think oh i wouldn't have thought so it could be for you me no i'm not sort of like people meeting chapel ruins you are arkady have provided so many improbabilities that i was quite prepared for another [Music] i jumped but i wasn't surprised [Music] the rose grew pale [Music] whoever you are you seem to be very much alive at the moment may i see the rose in your cheeks [Music] complain now dreary graves give up their dead to haunt the faithless swain [Music] i believe that i've met you before and you are certainly no ghost where are you this time i live on a higher plane than you sir how do i raise myself to your level is the jasper perhaps rather a faint-hearted villain [Music] not at all [Music] thank you [Music] i'm not at all sure [Music] so what happens now i really suggest but it isn't for me to say defenseless maid's hardly expected to assist her pursuers [Music] i think i was going thank you for showing me such presence of mind thank you for the honor of your company sir jasper you're afraid of heights aren't you sexy men often are you aren't afraid of heights no i'm not sexy you see not like belinda i'm intensely romantic but i'm not interested in sex look here um matilda i i really am not used to uh conversations like this well you better get used to it we're going to have to spend the night up here now the ivy's collapsed oh no no we can't do that hey help help what are you doing i'm going to read to you [Music] his eyes followed with dread the course of the dagger she had torn open her habit and her bosom was half exposed the weapon's point rested upon her left breast and oh that was such a breast the moonbeams darting full upon it enabled the monk to observe its dazzling whiteness his eye dwelt with insatiable vibidity upon the beauteous orb a sensation till then unknown filled his heart with a mixture of anxiety and delight a raging fire shot through every limb the blood boiled in his veins stop i can hear someone coming you've interrupted one of my favorite bits help ha ha hell there is someone for heaven's sake don't fall down now i'm as safe as houses leave the lassie alone sir we have two witnesses here bye bye god it's pie again quirk oh yes uh don't get along professor everything's quite all right uh but uh lady matilda is a little nervous i'll go and get i'll go and get a letter there's one at the station good man stay fight still where you are mr pie we'll soon meet you have no fear little matilda i've got my eye on him nobody spoke at breakfast on saturday had they accepted my explanation probably not it had sounded extremely unlikely even though it was entirely true the professor made a show of being absorbed in his morning mail quirk seemed to be deeply concerned with the county cricket reports a message has just come up from the station his lordship would be much obliged if mr pie would call on him this morning thank you miss mansi i felt like a condemned man on his last morning as i finished my hearty breakfast better be going along pie oh dear this is rather upsetting i was going to give mr pie a few balls in the nets this morning to get his eye in for the match this afternoon cricket isn't to be all an end all of life quirk i think his warship has something rather important to say to mr pie i had a word with his lordship and her leadership last night and i think i know the matter that he wishes to discuss [Music] i walked to the station like a schoolboy on his way to a painful interview with the headmaster i had attempted to resist the advances of belinda i had been an innocent participant in matilda's fantasies i had brought chloe only such consolation as she had craved it was extraordinary but it was not my fault however i could hardly expect the father of the three ladies to see it that way [Music] [Applause] [Music] i beg your pardon are you rep i think that's how they put it these days ah pep uh i don't think i am actually no oh you can do the charleston though can't you i mean you said so how about doing a solo now i can't provide you with a partner the girls are up at the village but you probably get on better solo look i'd rather not i i believe uh i believe so there was something that you wanted to talk to me about yes it was indeed yeah yeah little wait wait how how about having uh a quick charleston now though yes which would you prefer a fascinating rhythm laura i wonder where my baby is tonight i'd really rather not you see i think there's been some sort of misunderstanding and i would like to clear it up misunderstanding i fail to see how what i have to say to you can permit of any misunderstanding whatsoever what about um our sweet sweet hortense yeah it's a bit early for the charleston but the rhythm's right well uh yes it is a bit early i really don't feel like a dance to charleston at this hour wasn't talking about the time of day i meant sweethearts belongs to an earlier period than the child somebody's got the right beat right okay try it you say what you like about modern grammar phones they don't give you that same harsh tinny son you get out of this have you need that for jazz and kids flavor to it now we're ready let it rip he's disgraceful bertie what are you talking about mabel it is a scandal there is no other word for it uh i can explain everything i've been swindled it isn't a damascene a very colour at all it's a rosa mundy what isn't what is the rose i bought from pigott and hickenbottom in the autumn it's just coming to bloom and it isn't a york and lancaster after all it is a rosa mundy yeah well sickening don't interrupt mabel this fellow from the ministry is going to do a solo charleston good lord are you all right uh yes yes i just came over a bit faint you need exercise sweetheart ants will tickle you up i really don't feel like sweethearts oh you're probably right you rather have a genuine charleston tune it's the word versy color that confuses they're both called versicolor but the york and lancaster is a damask rose and the rosa mundi is a gallic yeah never mind all that mabel what's this fella going to dance too but you see bertie what they simply won't grasp is that the orca nangsta doesn't have red and white stripes on the same bloom it has quite distinct blooms some red some white can we leave the dancing for another time i feel we want to clear up that other matter first i won't hear of it just found the very record for you i wonder where my baby is tonight all right come on give it all you got that's the rhythm okay [Music] oh i wonder if my baby does the charleston charleston i wonder who is teaching her the charleston charleston i wonder where she's gone or how she's getting wrong i wonder where my baby is i haven't had such a workout for months reminds me of the old days the 43 before your time of course towards dawn mrs merrick used to let me play the drums we used to burn the place up pity the bobbies had such a done on the old girl she was a sweetie uh dead now i suppose is that i suppose was before you lost before i had my legs chopped off you mean yes just before yes i went back again once or twice afterwards but it wasn't quite the same the girl seemed sorry for me they used to get morbid when they'd had a glass into a bubbly they were getting bored at the 43. yeah i haven't been up to town since then except for a couple of coronations now let's let's have another number ready for sweet hortense now you're warmed up oh no sir don't you think we ought to deal with this other matter first yes i suppose we should um yeah there was something i had to say to you and i can't life me remember what i suppose you wouldn't have any idea what it was well it's uh it's a rather difficult thing for me to broach is it oh it's intriguing oh well it'll come back now what do you say riverboat shuffle or black bottom stomp hmm well look sir i'd like to hear either of them but um i'm supposed to be going back to the nets to get some practice for the qriket match so if uh you can't remember what it was you wanted to speak to me about perhaps i better get back to her cricket match i remember what it was you do yes how could i forget something like that we we want you to present the prizes at the fate on monday will you present the prizes of the fate you want me to present the prizes but you're the man from the ministry you're the big shot you've made a hit personally down here everyone's pretty impressed by you whereas especially the women you've got what it takes guy you lucky fellow god but uh what will the professor think of this the professor actually it was the professor who suggested it came to see me last night you seem to have impressed him as much as anyone what's up my dear chap not keeling over again oh sorry um so was that that was all you wanted to see me about yes my dear chap that was it silly of me to have forgotten you say yes of course oh well yes that's fine you need another charleston the last one worked wonders i'd like you to try sweet hortons it has a a peculiarly quick but unobtrusive beat just the thing for ladies man like you [Music] all hmm [Music] [Music] do [Music] you

Channel: Lost Horizons

Views: 506,786

Rating: 4.8317914 out of 5

Keywords: love on a branch line, full, movie, complete, film, english, comedy

Id: hpekKoUi6RU

Length: 97min 17sec (5837 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 03 2020