Open All Hours: Shedding at the Wedding (1997 UK VHS)

we are darling four weddings here rocky four five three six excuse me i bought this video from you last saturday so well i can't understand a word train spot not a surprise oh i'm talking to scotty no i mean it's it's the sound yeah it's hopeless absolutely hopeless yeah yeah yeah no trains in it either i suppose that's my fault as well here darling 4.99 well the picture's rubbish as well well that's your tracking mate it's all right on my other videos tracking statue be careful most pirate videos are unwatchable and there's no comeback i've got a receipt hey got a receipt look you said last week said it's no good mate oral contract not worth the paper it's printed up here darling four weddings train sporting has advertised on crime stoppers pirate videos daylight robbery [Music] uh oh huh [Music] well how much i'm thinking i'm thinking come on the arms are aching up here and my wallet's aching down here it's me that has to throw the money away you know why don't we just forget it you know you're not built for making reductions a modern shopkeeper has to give reductions to get the people in well how much 20 ap are you sure get it right at 28 per pe all right [Music] make it 29. [Music] dude yes [Music] oh yes a bit nippy there's a tinge of metallics in the air but but at least it's fine it's gonna be a nice nice day for the wedding how can you tell it's still the middle of the night flood lit wedding there's a novelty one of these here days granville you'll be going to my wedding hey oh no hang on a minute you'll be looking after the shop no no no i'll tell you what i'll do i'll bring you back up a piece of bridesmaid you close the shop on your own wedding day surely close the shop it's easy to see you've got hungarian blood granville you've got restless a gypsy feet you know that and your eyeballs are none too steady of a morning either i don't know why you persist in this attitude you're always angling for the time off yeah i never get you though do i never have any time to go out with girls listen all the girls in the area know that your evenings are for free i know with what i get paid they have to be free anyway what evenings we don't close it till nine o'clock at night one day granville all this will be a yours so lock lock lock lock lock stop i'm always telling you this yes i know every time i ask for a rise anyway supposing i wanted to get married why should you want to get married what have you been up to no no i haven't been up to anything damn it i don't let you out till nine o'clock you shouldn't have had time i haven't had time by the time i get where all the girls are it's like arriving late at the market all the best goods have been snapped up all that's left is the overripe stuff that everyone's been prodding and poking about anyway don't worry about me getting married it's just a hypothetical question hey you keep your hypotheticals under control you what kind of age are you to be a getting married i'm old enough i've been voting for ages yeah and look at the mess the country's in you can't do better than that advise you to stay single i feel ridiculous at my age look at me the virgin grosser them two that's getting married today they're younger than me there's plenty of time i'm only just coming around to the thoughts of marriage at my age i know and if you don't hurry up thoughts of marriage it's about all you'll be capable of i am hurrying up for my fiancee in the under bedroom and myself are just waiting until her dear old mother can get to settle somewhere else oh yeah like where the crematorium gonna tell the nurse you said that you keep your virgin trap shut you she killed me if she heard me say that she's very fond of her dear old mother you know i stand over at the bedside sometimes you watch her patiently ministering to that idea for a frail old lady i get this lump in my throat it's a mother's elbow she can't stand me you know she sits up there in a pink woolly bed jacket spitting biscuit crumbs doing this impersonation of someone who's going to live forever as a consequence a nurse gladys and i have to snatch what the moments we can of privacy yeah come and help me carry the ladder over come on you can't knock her up this time in the morning would you care to rephrase that supposing she's been up all night delivering babies you just stand here and hold the bare bottom of this ladder what are you gonna hold the bare bottom off what if we get a customer in the shop well you'll have to go over and serve will you what about the ladder well if i'm halfway up we'll leave it where it is just silly beggar now who's going to hold it oh i shall be all right once she opens her window there must be all sorts of little places that someone nimble can gain of her finger old if my memory memory serves me correctly oh oh all right i'm coming all right have you run the doctor the great fool what what are you doing up here hey there you're just passing you have a bosom the nurse gladys as as as soft as get goose down you know shut up you fool of a size idea of her open ready to chickens you dozy vampire waking me up like this i thought you were an expectant father hey well listen i'm gage if you are hey you might be mother she already thinks you're a lunatic and she's right look at the time you look at what you want i'll look over what i know and then that's just what i want there right there oh careful oh okay granville are you where's granville gone he's back in the shop you've got customers no i just came to say that we're going to our wedding today my love i know that your great fool it's not for ours yet go home i just wanted to check on your bread order is it they're two large whites no it isn't it's a small farmhouse oh uh how romantic nurse bloodies are your up appeal to you not at this time of the morning you don't go home no no don't shoot it i should fall you'll be all right as long as you land on your wallet hey what's wrong oh to take my advice granville and never get your hand caught in a state registered nurse oh it sounds like old bristol on his motorbike oh that's what i call a motorbike we shot a motorbike like that now now granville you have full use of the company vehicle oh yes here he comes look the tango red leader bandits at nine o'clock hilo looks like action man on his day off doesn't it morning mr bristol speak for yourself arcright you ever get the feeling granville that there's nobody inside that lot at all morning mr bristow you see what that means you go completely vacant in there and dick come on hey mr bristow morning mr [Applause] anybody in there is there anybody in there hello mr [Music] sounds like somebody who's got his head stuck in a russian wrestler's armpit hey but watch his lips see if he can see his lips move go no no no i can't see anything it's this this visor it's tinted you see oh well why doesn't he open his lid i think he is trying to open it but it's not moving i think it must be stopped stuck yeah oh dear i hope he can breathe in there granville no i expect he can breathe yeah well if you're not sure see if he's gonna go in a funny color oh i can't see what color he's going she's this visor it's tinted through this he looks black black black hey girl get him out of here come on come on he'll no he'll be much happier on the pavement i don't want to be happier on the pavement for well he wait listen keep quiet we are in dead peril insurance wise if he dies on the premises come on you see what i mean his last words and hopelessly scrambled then not his last words they are in here get him out he is not suffocating it's just stuck you made him jerk his head back so fast he jammed his visor and that won't move all right i'll tell you what i'm what are you going to do with that i'm just going to give a little attack with that mr bristol that'll probably loosen it get your helmet on the counterweight don't worry i'm not going to do it that way round you're all right you save me there martha just there goes a regular order for half a dozen razor blades i'm not basically unattractive to women i mean i may be small but i'm perfectly formed well that's a useful then isn't it you can get onto them at bottom shelves with your duster it says here that the scotland yard are looking for a very small man with one eye if he's that small you think they use were both eyes [Applause] i know nothing about women i wish my mother had kept a diary only the dull girls keep diaries the other kinder they don't get time hey you know that mrs bamforth up at number 19. do you know that she's got 12 children mrs bamforth lives at number 12. oh but she's got 19 children there 90 a husband you know he's a bully and an idler and a drunk why would she want to have a 19 children with him well i don't know she said she was hoping he'd get lost in the crowd well you can keep away from there there's something that's a slipshod about a woman who allows herself to have a 19 children i don't know how he had time to go go to work at all he didn't he was on the national assistance i'm surprised he wasn't on her crutches i bet she doesn't need to give her diary yeah yeah yeah yeah you never mind the daydreaming i don't want a flat iron marks all over them their new trousers all right don't worry it's a lot easier to press than your old pair oh dear they were so shiny that trying to iron them was like taking a bobsley down the crest of runs since they were a bit slippery towards the end towards both ends tell them years about rubbing up against her nursing a gladys emmanuel hey welcome to that old suit of yours oh she made me give it a war on want as some poor native tribesmen in north africa at this very moment no doubt wearing a blue pinstripe suit wondering why he keeps sliding off his camel [Laughter] dear oh dear i hate ironing your claws hardly breathe for the smell of mothballs why do you put muffballs in a new suit eddie wrote you do know that you're last person in england to use mothballs you do know that don't you that might bring a sigh of relief to the average moth but i don't see why you're could throw in about it that warehouse is full of boxes and boxes of mothballs they're not shifting and you know why they're not shifting don't you eh because nobody wants to buy any moth balls anymore that is why nobody buys mothballs anymore because nobody sells some mothballs to anybody anymore and you're one of the nobodies who's not selling muffled to anyone anymore i mean a decent shopkeeper should be able to sell anything he puts his own mind to you're going to make people want them you've got to create in the public the desire for their decent mothball don't worry anybody gets near you at their wedding today is going to get all the mothballs he's never likely to desire that's what we need you know morse her strategy and and the sales planning instead of sitting about up the morning undoing my motorcyclists this cyclists fielding thought you were gonna kill him i felt like killing him when i found out all he wanted was about a flint for his lighter one flint one flint i to split a pack you know [Laughter] he's leaving you on your own then is he fine for a couple of hours while he goes to the wedding wedding oh we're the nurse her niece is getting married today well she has my sympathy oh come on mrs blewett marriage can't be all that bad not at the beginning anyway it's very depressing the way people talk about all the things that i'm looking forward to i mean there must be some miracles still left in life oh there is i mean for a start it's a miracle you haven't just brought my eye out they're sorry i shouldn't be having any more boiled ham until you ran steadier i can't afford boiled arm unless it's caught on emotionally give me four with empty cakes tea cakes all right well i'm safer with tea cakes all right you can't go wrong with any tea hey look at that it's my age i've just reached that stage in my life when you're supposed to be all sexual tension and raw edges you know you're trying to talk to people and they think you're weird i'm yourself grandpa nobody thinks you're weird yes they do they do the minute you try to have a frank conversation about things that really matter clear i'm not having them they've been kicked all over the floor no no i'm not gonna sell sell these to you mrs blewett that's on hygiene i'll sell these to mrs tattersall why is it that people can never communicate deeper than talking about well the government or her at number 17 will she find true happiness with her new fitted carpet oh i don't think she stands the cat in house chance first start it clashes with a three-piece suite now what she should have done in my opinion there you go listen to you mrs blewett we have known each other for ages you have had seven children therefore you are a woman of wide human experience not so damn wide they're all from the same stable but i respect your experience mrs blewett i'd be fascinated to hear about it all females to me are a magical mystery don't miss stupid grumble give me a packet of them jumped arts could you just explain to me why it is never possible for people just to talk to me because you're weird there you are you see cause i'm weird do you want any eggs no what's he on about what's he getting at now good thing i just asked you if you wanted to make you take your ex what do you know about texas at your age [Laughter] be 98 pence please mrs bluey now go granville keep your shelves are well filled and don't let me see your hendersonville poke the bread she's got an index finger which is very detrimental to a sliced loaf she has which might of course explain the rather pained expression on the face of mama mister henderson as well she could go through a cabbage with a finger like that now listen be very nice to your customers especially the awkward ones like mrs baby good morning mrs bear blew it are you sure these air nets are invisible oh i'll say they are yes we we ran out of them last of a friday since then i've heard soul 14. 98 pence 98 pence there we go there we are the two p change thank you wedding is it wedding yes you're getting a regular gada boat aren't you that must be twice you've been out since 1976. well that reminds me have you got a can of air freshener certainly mrs blooming well you damn well need it no matter how carefully we all the tread granville marriage the great reaper comes to us all even mrs blewett went through it i think she thinks i'm effeminate well compared to her you probably are another thing do you realize that i have never been to a wedding i know i know yeah my mother had the same problem hello it's only me from over the sea said how did you guess i come in a minute here who's been buying sugar at the supermarket hey you'll be trolled to a of a private grocer already you've been unfaithful to me with a co-op it's your mother isn't it that's right shout wake her up why don't you oh what's wrong oh that does the heart of an old shopkeeper a lot of good that does do you like it hey walk about a bit oh lovely you better handcuff me now let's save a lot of arguments later won't it there aren't going to be any arguments you're going to behave oh i'm not arriving at that wedding looking as if i've just been mauled by an escaped grocer you know yes i see a handsome woman that dressed like that it makes you wish he went out of 20 years longer a young girl oh he's awake listen what we should be looking for is a little place together but you keep knocking me underway don't i know but that'll all be a blow away in the fresh air ah make damn sure it does anger going numb good i think i might like you numb supposing it does irreparable damage to me grip i should be so lucky all right put it on oh listen have you guys got somewhere warm i can play football it's a better best offer i've had all day enter the car hey hey well when are we going to go to our own wedding let's get this one over first no this is not the same though is it eh just being a spur spectate have you really thought about it you must be joking that's all i ever do is if they think about it i'll give you an example how much i either think about it i was in the shop the other day hey you must promise not to repeat this get on with it no promise get on with it i was just serving mrs ellis with six ounces of smoked bacon i love the association of ideas me and baby you haven't heard the worst yet what did you do well i didn't realize till after she'd gone i let her walk out through that door with six ounces of prime smoked bacon what have you done i don't need to charged it for four [Applause] [Music] now what yeah they're doing i should never have come if i thought you were the kind of woman who keeps driving men into the labor eyes it's as bad as ever you can hardly breathe in here what are you doing with trousers they're worse than your jacket you'll have to take them off oh well i'm not saying this is turning out quite a big day get them off and hang them out the window that nobody's going to see you it's a quiet road get them off and let's get a bit of breeze round them i can't stand out there taking my trousers off someone might might come past well take them off in here and then what are you going to be doing well you needn't worry i'm not going to do anything except sit here i promise you i'm not likely to lose all sense of control over the sight of you and your underpants seemed natural just for taking them off in cold blood call me up we haven't got all day oh can't you turn your head away or something go on good evans man my entire working life spent handling men with no trousers on oh that's something i can't help thinking about every time you pass me a boiled sleeve haven't you cut them off yet no i haven't did have you ever tried taking your trousers off in a morris minor could you just shift that gear stick a bit or better still then we'll warm the angle and i'll put it in reverse no no no no if you make a mistake now in i'm in big trouble let me get around this way a bit what are you laughing at it's not funny you know oh i hope nobody sees this but it's going to see it [Applause] [Laughter] what are you blushing for what do you think i'm blushing for they needn't have seen anything if you hadn't made such a damn great prediction of it well i'll tell you something i shall be much more energetic than that on my own with wedding day [Laughter] oh i thought he was getting cold enough with me jacking off with it got the eater on full blast listen i want you to promise me not even to think about marriage until i've regained full use of my faculties [Music] [Music] [Laughter] [Music] [Laughter] uh and then now what well i'm not missing the wedding [Applause] and in the face of this congregation to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony which is an honorable estate institute of government don't try anything i'm especially on regard cause i've only got flimsy ones on i wish you wouldn't try to inflame me when i'm wearing these tight trousers they're still warm you know i'm getting warmer by the minute just try and keep yourself in check well i'll do my best can't promise anything when you kneel down i might think my prayers have been answered [Music] well all in all it were a pretty interesting day out pretty we couldn't stay for the reception but it would have been difficult for gladys emanuel to have kept her top coat on all through the telegrams i did see a point just briefly as she got in the car no frills just like an old-fashioned chocolate box hey you'd certainly be spoiled for choice with that sort of weekend assortment [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] ah [Applause] [Music] i want a word with you that's three words for a start like a girl of grimshaws oh big edna hi have you been in a knock in an ocean i think your father i've only admired her from a distance have you been in a knocking coppers off a weekly order well you do it for mrs featherstone not without sticking them back somewhere else [Music] so hey i'm granville ah are you still doing autumn university yes oh maybe i could come around one night and we could talk about contemporary themes in literature and uh you could wear that short dress [Laughter] i don't think you're ready yet granville for that short dress [Music] how can she tell how can she tell hey will you bring that milk in before you can curdle it [Laughter] milk is not made to sustain the the temperature that aaron boys operate at errand boy errand boy i'm a real success story i am aren't i hey up there goes granville you've only been working for his uncle since he was 10 years old and already he's an errand boy well you wouldn't want me to be the error boy would you i mean how would you feel then we're working for an errand boy i wouldn't mind if i had some decent transport oh don't start all that again we were only remarking the other day how well you look on that shot by shot by it's clapped out oh that reminds me did we get mad missy's blew each bread order no cottage loaf and a bloomer yes she certainly gives that impression he wrote who's this we that was remarking how well i looked on the shop barney myself and as a certain lady whose taste i admire even though at times it is slightly medicinal her taste i mean nurture gladys who else now don't put it all on her oh if only i could the times i've tried to persuade her to allow me to become a private patient you think i'd be allowed to be boopa now we're engaged but she won't have it she won't listen she's a cuddly but stubborn blitzer does me all the heart good to think about up there at this very moment alone in that huge bed with ample room where there's a small private grill sir sleeping the sleep of the only just the only just i made a little progress last night with the aid of some cyprus sherry she's still sticking to her principles but only just okay granville did you warm that pot no i warmed that one over there you always asked me that every meal time you saved girga granville there you were a warm at the bottom i always warmed the pot well there's no need to get all the vanessa about it i've got to have bacon again oh you liked a bit of bacon i do like a bit of bacon it's just that i wish you wouldn't make me eat the bacon rind tasty is a bit of a bacon rind it's tasty enough but it takes you 40 minutes to chew it listen you can't go through life just wasting things unless you're nationalized what about me teeth i'm nearly down to the canvas on my teeth hey you look after this bacon and don't let them rashes get older curled up i like them they're nice and flat oh hello a smartly dressed stranger can come to part with his money not exactly oh not exactly does that mean he doesn't even count his change uh i was wondering if you could give me directions to uh abercorn street give you give you directions to have a call i can sell you directly sell me you are not from these parts i take it ah just here on business actually ah aren't we all you see in that case you will realize that there are the hair overheads i mean we have the rates to pay we have wear and tear we have the stuff to pay all these were blazing for 40 watt bulbs then of course there's the heating heating it doesn't feel terribly warm in here well it might help a bit if you put the wood in the old no you wouldn't feel the heat you see because you come from a milder climate don't you what luton blue oh well it's a subtropical bedfordshire you say yes but the locals around these parts they think this is quite a hot shop in fact most of them just come in to get their done to a turn i can imagine and in return for this service to a cold customer a benevolent council allows us struggling shopkeepers to enter charge four directions on a paper pro rata basically thirty per pe for first month or pepper or perfect or part they're off yeah and how far is epicorn street oh don't panic don't panic i'll give you all the shortcuts you'll do it for less than a pound don't worry don't worry uh alternatively you could make a few at a token purchases and then of course the service would be absolutely free he wanted him flat he can have him flat thank you i didn't do call again i don't think so i may never come this way again the ships that pass in the night eh i have the feeling i've run aground somewhere well you can uh shove yourself off with that oh come on don't give it a secret where is abercorn street oh you just passed it he's first on the right down there i thought everybody in there knew that if i can help a body as i pass along then i live here [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] it's nice to see a smiling face are you keeping granville [Laughter] oh hi wendy you're going my way am i going her way oh [Applause] [Music] next bike that opens its mouth is going to get a kick up the sprockets [Music] couldn't you go some other way granville please [Laughter] swine it gets us you don't know what to give him for his dinner oh is he is he back i think so he's not sure himself oh well which one does he like does he like that one oh yeah he likes that one oh and there we are mind you he likes that one as well if i get it wrong he yells at me slings it across the kitchen oh does he well i should definitely take the beef burgers i think you'll find later travel better however i've seen them use as frisbee as them never mind look maybe you just stand there and make your mind up i'll go and serve mrs permanente first perfect ever that woman over there stewing steak bless you i'll have a look at that one is it a good brand well he's been very well behaved on the shelves of course he's a good brand how long do you think i would last if i started selling rubbish around here if you want to buy rubbish you go around to like her competitor around the corner well he's less than you are on several items well he's only for five foot one he can afford to be he has regular reductions i know and look what he's done to him he needs a stepladder to look over his counter he's always polite smarmy you mean smarmy he's there a type that wears brill cream on his teeth that is not his own smile you know that's one they can hire from the grocer's federation i wouldn't mind but it doesn't even fit him if you observe closely you will find he's wearing the smile of a much larger person oh why i haven't anything against the man personally i mean don't misunderstand me outside office hours he's probably absolutely repulsive but i mean the sauce is small he can't be all that repulsive can he although he does try doesn't he are you gonna buy that tin are you going to bring it up to body temperature no i don't think so things are so deer in tins especially around here well he said the hair overheads you see i have things especially flown in flown in yes there's a pigeon mark on that one look listen here comes my private jet now that is it finished never again how's the young man supposed to feel with that squeaking thing between his legs what happens they get easily upset these are the jet pilots i think it's the vertical takeoff that's the first time granville's ever walked past me without saying something sounded like something to me i mean something personal sounded personal enough to don't you face it that old shot bike is clapped out listen a drop of oil and a few adjustments that's all it needs come on attention to these ladies i'll perfect your bike for you it's more than that old oil can needs aladdin's lamp listen just attend to these customers please and no hanky thank you but widow twanky hello mavis hello granville oh my god are you in a hurry or shall i serve mrs featherstone first i don't know whether i'm in hurry or not no you're not in a hurry i'll answer no oh it might be all right for certain articles but to be blunt with your granville woman of my age feels easier discussing your needs with persons of a more mature outlook well how about a nice piece of boiled ham is it wrapped i can soon wrap it for you no thank you granville it's nothing personal it's just i could i could never bring myself to buy anything unwrapped from today's liberated young people have to worry about me i'm still waiting to be liberated if the permissive society reached this far it must have been while i was out on that damn shot bike [Laughter] what are you doing to that dog aren't you a bit big for playing with dogs i never never touched him oh moon of my delight keep your voice down you great fool what i'm really looking forward to to keep me company at nights is a well-trained obedience as state registered nurse one with a cold nose and a warm syrup oh yeah definitely a warm sure up no household pet should be without a warm [ __ ] [Music] why don't you do something about that bike oh [ __ ] not the bicycle mile obviously it's me in the injuries of humanity i think you ought to better pop over tonight and have a look at me squeak you're getting yourself excited one of these days you'll be going to fully color and gasping for breath oh promises promises i think being a widow woman suits mrs featherstone she seems to have taken to it very easily well why not she's been practicing that gloomy expression for years you know i get the distinct impression that she likes her husband a lot better now he's dead well say what you like he's less argumentative you know she doesn't seem very unhappy well she knows where he is of an evening i don't understand people can you i mean you get indian widows throwing themselves on fires when their husbands die oh well but beef had a mission for feathers and grumble this is a smokeless zone you're gonna hardly expect it to go hurling yourself onto the top of the night storage eat it expected to show a bit of emotion have you tried overcharging her well i expect someone to show a bit of emotion when i go you're only going to sanderson street i don't mean when i go out on deliveries do i mean you know i mean when when i'm dead well just make sure you go to sanderson street first will you i don't want you turning up there after you're dead unless of course it's a first thing in the morning in which case they won't notice the difference can't imagine that somehow can you you know me being dead wow get on with it will you if there's any they're dying to be done it's going to be done in your own time when i go i want beautiful women tearing their hair i shall leave instructions for a private funeral but if the crowd rush it i want you to let them in anyway and every year on the anniversary of my death i want a mysterious woman in black to place upon my grave a single flower the plain or self-raising come on what's all this talk about the dying well we've all got to go sometime haven't we you should have gone already to atkinson to terrace oh i just thought that mrs featherstone might have shown a bit more affection towards her husband listen she's up with us her cemetery every saturday afternoon let's face it she sees more of him now than she ever did yeah funny i'd seen a tear just you know a single tear well she's the old school that keeps her soldiering on don't they ought to be more to married life than that she always looked after him he never came home when there wasn't a meal what about affection hey i mean you know a bit of a giggle a bit of the old slap and tickle [Laughter] don't worry there was someone that and all oh no now that i don't believe oh yes there was twice a week from her up at atkinson terrace well they don't stand there with your mouth open there's a bus coming get in there go on hey what number accustomed terry say hello mrs whittington oh is your bread fresh yes like the morning dew mrs whittington i see wet and soggy is it just like yesterday's no no it isn't it's lovely and fresh this bread listen that's right go on maul it about i'll take one right one small brown sliced loaf but not that one one other small brown sliced no mrs whittington oh makes your heart bleed for that poor day dick she married strange little woman isn't she he reminds me rather of a boil i used to get on the back of me neck are you what do you want to charge for these uh 35th hair 35th for 36 pence they're nobody happy round here would you ask me that when i've catched up tonight please mean in their personal relationships well mrs pryor and her gerbil enough to put you off marriage for life oh really well if you're not going to get married what are you going to do for entertainment then eh keep getting yourself signed in by a member you'll soon run out of ink won't you make that 39. they keep looking at me for are you happy mrs whittington with one brown loaf and a quarter of potted meat is that supposed to do it no i mean with life with marriage you read about these things young men at a certain time of life certainly never has been certainly becoming obsessed by older women i won't say obsessed i suppose it's because i've got a big bust things are never what they seem granville oh my buzzer may look all right when it's all trust up but if you was ever there when i let it all loosely it'd scare you to death oh i owe mrs richington a better law sorry what have you done have you twisted your knees no not exactly no what's this back doing in here you have to leave it in the middle of the floor can't you find another place for it i i just did believe me we're better off where it is can you take this bike out before somebody breaks the neck nick that's the last thing you've got to worry about with because your is your neck go on and get it out go on oh dear i don't know packaging oh i know i may have to now listen yeah listen you love luscious i'm a medical person well what can we talk about till i get my breath back hey your squeak's completely gone oh i was hoping it was only bruised come on come on get in there can't you see where we three want to be alone [Laughter] i'm not sure i want to be alone of course you do my love we must have snatched every precious moment we can you snatched enough last night oh you were very amiable my love under the influence of the cyprus sherry i've never seen stuff like it for making your buttons come on don't it's amazing what you're gonna find under the national health isn't it shall we have another look stop it keep your voice down you'll be embarrassing your granville oh he's all right granville is at present getting ready for a little trip on the new reconditioned shop bike aren't you granville who is no you're never going to get me on that shop bike ever again oh all right then i'll go go on myself i might even that are taking atkins and terrace remember atkinson dallas do you where the late mr featherstone used to get as i used to visit twice a week i never knew the late mr featherstone used to visit atkinson terrace oh yes mind you he was never the late mr featherstone there what number atkinson terrace atkinson terrace is that an echo oh would that be the atkinson terrace i'm thinking about well i must go i've got three open wounds and something septic to see too sounds like they're a labour party conference what about atkinson terrace uh yes well um my friends and i were wondering uh just how far one could get on the new a reconditioned day i shot the bicycle ergo granville fetch my hat would you um my skeptical friend there and my septic friend here they decided that you couldn't reach atkinson terrace but i've determined to prove them wrong well that old bike why don't you get him a new one oh no it's the hair overheads you see author thank you granville why do you want your hat anyway oh you can never be seen without a hat in atkinson terrace trousers possibly just a minute before anybody else goes i'd like to know just what it was you were discussing about atkinson terrace what number atkinson terrace would that be mrs featherstone never you mind what number that might be this or not all right oh come in what are you doing right up there i'm going to start on low level ground i'll to show you who can reach atkinson to terrace see no squeak your front wheel looks loose robert [Laughter] ah [Laughter] [Laughter] that mark does remind me of atkinson terrace i'll be i'll be all right well when i get my wind back where did it hurt as if i didn't know it's the hair overheads you know what a day you can't carry on like that without having your rates reduced i must say mrs featherstone looked very striking in black i wonder if nurse gladys is thinking of going into black underwear when her mother dies i would certainly try to talk her out of it lord let mrs gillespie come in for her bread and keep our granville away from atkinson terrace what number i don't know the number [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] so [Music] [Applause] ah [Music] ah [Music] 50 they're fifty percent it's a bit fierce isn't it it's not like you i've seen you go why it's at five percent if you want to attract people in you you've got to be bold you see well how many items have we got marked how many known you clown you don't think i'm gonna get giving stuff away [Music] uh [Laughter] look morning sir seriously have you thought about a drawbridge morning granville for me oh that's really sweet granville well why don't you just take one milk bottle and i'll hold the flowers and then i'll say something can't you speak normally i can i mean normally i can speak what i mean is if we were going out together on a date or something i'd be able to speak i'm almost certain i'd be able to speak nobody's ever given me flowers on the street before you're a nice person granville oh i wish you'd never said that why because that's what girls say when they turn around and go off with somebody nasty somebody big and similar nasty funny you should say that i knew it i knew it never mind keep the flowers anyway what's my boyfriend going to say well don't tell him who's going to tell him i'm not going to tell him he's a milk round supervisor you'll see me wandering around with these let's be honest about it tell him that granville gave them to you you know ramble who's not such a nice person but maybe underneath is pretty nasty in an attractive sort of a way you know keep the flowers telling us how gravel is you know flowers champagne bolts stick to your bolts you'll run supervisor it's big do you miss his girl he must be coming for her bread yes well what happened to the flowers her boyfriend gave him back to me oh so we're giving the flowers to the milk woman's her boyfriend now always sometimes i really do think he's hungarian i thought i now knew that face bobby hey good granville you remember betty anderley no yes you do look that's her there very undistinguished little woman used to live in a girl gordon street with her second husband what happened to her first oh you fell off a ladder oh dear yeah on to a mrs bradbury he so enjoyed the experience he made it a habit you know yeah as soon as his leg got better they ran away together they're now living in i believe in such incentives which i understand is very similar i always admire people who have the courage to do that sort of thing oh yes it takes a lot of luck to go on a living cesarean don't be anatomy to throw caution to the wind for the person you love and run off together have you been reading the william hickey column again listen by the way didn't you and i ought to have a little chalky walkie about the milk woman's ur boyfriend no we didn't no i was merely speculating seriously about people like myself you know have this burning herb burning nerves all you got so far is a puff of smoke and [ __ ] fingers well everything's damp it's your age i mean the sticks are done the coal is done we'll get going open up her packing defile i don't you won't let me use firelight as you say they're too experienced they are in this a damn shop i'm not paying these prices get around they're gonna go up and buy something go on i'm only joking go and open up her packet all right not if they're going to count as my birthday present you should see through all my little employees don't you go on then agreed agreed well what about her then who this woman you're reading about oh baby anderly hi er from wherever it was gordon street artists are not in gordon street anymore she's here in the paper getting murray for the third time blimey she doesn't hang about does she a minute ago she was getting married for the second time anyway what happened to a second husband never you my mind just make sure you put the money in the till for them fire like this oh yes silly beggar my god there's nothing startled you're more than a flirted grosser that was only a little startled wait till you see me big startle might i make a suggestion no you can't i've heard your suggestions it seems a pity you sitting there holding your chest and me standing here all in this car door couldn't we come to some different arrangement out of me way i'm gagging for a cup of tea hey listen to strike a more depressing note how's your mother today he's fine thank you i'm glad about that you'll never go to avenue me what about her she's been married for putting it off don't for years that don't you ever feel any bitterness that she's standing in your way it's you that's standing in my way are you doing in there i'm sitting here while the seat's still warm it's about as close as i get to the privileges of an engagement person you know being engaged to you is like having your own piano and not being allowed to uh have a tinkle on it i wouldn't mind but you're always after the same three no's listen i appeal to you from the warm seat of this morris mine i'll make it up to you someday couldn't we arrange a little bit on account if there's one thing you've taught me it never give credit uh oh oh dear still never mind we shall be using that end protect you with these two of them two of these in a cold bath at least once a day or whenever the itch gets unbearable and whatever you do don't scratch it oh all right come over later when i took my mother in we'll have a bit of supper i'll tell you what can't your mother eat the supper and i'll i'll tuck you in oh very well hey what have you got that's got 50 off that's the spirit my love you keep up that attitude of frank curiosity we could be in for a memorable evening oh phew oh so [ __ ] what have you been playing have you been out with a sweep again look at those estate have you ever got that fire going yet oh yes i think i've got it going now yeah where you been if you must know i have been sitting in the warm seat of my mama maurice miner whatever for oh i i have a great of our perfection for the old mart morris miner you know i love the way it curves around about bonnet and boot much as does us a certain friend of mine who shall remain unnameless but state registered delivery mr archlight can you open where our store was it your impression that uh a broommaider just came round the door don't worry i'll go no no i will go i like to count everything those delivery men bring in why you gotta trust somebody sometimes not when you're signing for it you haven't told look what happened to the nibble chamberlain good morning mrs featherstone is he in no just us you and me a man and a woman alone oh my god it's going to be one of them days is it oh he's just checking a delivery mrs featherstone is there anything i can do for you i prefer to be served by older persons why am i contagious oh it's nothing personal granville in many ways you're a willing lad i am i'm a willing lad simply that a woman of my age living alone we're all alone mrs featherstone in the end sometimes at both ends you see how you are you you're weird weird you talk weird you're not like older people oh know nobody talks to me i'm invisible i'm the errand boy from outer space it's not possible for a woman of my age to have a good gossip with a person of your age i'm sorry granville but there's no satisfaction in it for the season gossiper you've got to play in your own league when you wouldn't ask kevin keegan in for a game of blow football would you it really like to be a woman [Music] you see what i mean you're weird i'll just take two small loaves please granville [Laughter] don't know why you think i'm weird [Laughter] hi they make you sweat them deliveries why don't you let the driver bring it in i did it's not the lifting it's about the prices it's all these hair overheads you see now don't tell me you're going to be depressed all day because you've had a big bill to pay i possibly am it's a free country an englishman has every right to be depressed if he wants to be i know but you get all your money back don't you when you've resold the stuff yeah but when's that going to be what's my my money going to be worth by the time i get that back it's all the middlemen you see oh no the fire's gone out again what we should really be selling is a stuff we make ourselves i've just washed my hands and army fires gone out again treacle toffee we're mama might have a go at that a treacle toffee our christmas ever famous here to try to trickle this off that sounds all right does that that sounds as if it's been going a long time there's more you can say for this damn fire i can see a lorry on the motorway with that written on it you know our cries for hey don't waste your breath on a witticism so save it for blowing would you anyway this is no demand for their treacle toffee nowadays not since a yogurt came in very sticky you know isn't it treacher eagle toffee nurse gladys and i might become even more attached than ever hey i might have to marry her no no she'd think of some terrible medical way of wriggling loose you see what we should be supplying really is something that is in constant demand no it's no good i'll have to use another fire lighter for the fire fire where where i provide order for firefighter pilots is one eyeliner i only want to use one no no that is it that is it for fire lighting that's what we'll oh off school again are you it's boring do you realize that 70 percent of the rate payers money goes on education we haven't done presents you know looking at you i calm to shake off this feeling that we're all due from a massive refund you can read though can you it's boring yes i shouldn't be smoking at your age not if you're not buying them from me you should cyril you have this silent tread of a yorkshire county cricket supporter what exciting new product what exciting new product i should i shouldn't worry about it cyril if i were you it's a bit late to do anything much for you what do you mean it's too late for me it's only my little a joke cyril well you want to jack it in jokes like that hey listen hey get off what's wrong now nothing nothing i shouldn't want to worry about it'll probably clear up probably yes yes don't we'll worry about it it usually goes away on its own well done clear the yellow flecks in the eyes i tell people i said don't bother about it invariably it goes away on its own here overlook yourself if you don't but believe me i can't see no yellow flecks oh well you're asking you're looking from the back you see if you were looking from the hook i'll bet loads of people are flexing the knife oh they do they do of course they do yes well when they get to a billiard deficiency billiard deficiency don't to take my word for it cyril go and ask your local doctor i am just your amateur homespun expert what the hell's billiard deficiency well there's lots of long latin names for it naturally cyril but what it boils down to is that terrible run-down feeling you get when you when you get up in the morning the billiard deficiency you look in the mirror and suddenly life seems to be more of a pockets than balls is there anything you can do about it funny you should say dr process vitamin supplement is it any good any good when i tell you that this has been banned in all those countries that don't practice as self-discipline and they're parts of wales and all i'll take the bottle you'll then never look back so matter of fact you won't be able to for the first time because it gives you a terrible stiff neck if you're not careful that is 85 pin a pound for the mirror the mirror well you'll want to keep a check on the flex in the eyes watch you best to do it privately if the wife catches you looking in the house mirrors she will eventually think that you've got another woman mind you with any luck by that time you should have shield put two and two together and make one one well one hell of a row that's true that's true thank you says zero how are you doing granville that's too strong no i know it's too strong you wanna got your mixture down [Music] i don't know whether this is gonna work you know well our christ are little flamers those eggs are going to work they'll let you cap aren't they dip your rag in your mixture you see and then you put the sticks all around it like that you see then you've got your firewood on the outside and you've got this little buffer flammable core on the inside haven't ya you dropped it well i know i dropped it i'm just demonstrating it to you pick it up right here hang about a minute this bit of rag looks familiar of course it is i said i've just dropped it on the floor oh it's not it's me sure this misha me best disco sure that old uh spotted thing yes that old spotted what do you mean old spotted thing oh look at it now oh it's never looked better in my opinion you've never liked it have you cause i've light is just that but every time i used to read the washing instructions on the on the back of it i was reminded very keenly of your poor dear dear mother what instructions no rings she never had one eye that's me best disco shirt you've never been to a disco i know but this is the shirt i would have worn if i had look any old shirt will do not to go in but i wanted to not go in this one well you'll just have to stay at home in something completely different won't you i've never suited you that's a shirt get away that shirt had real flair well it's ideal for violence in india granville let us let us just be honest with one another no i hate it when you start to say granville let's be honest with one another well why because i know it's going to cost me money that's why granville good granville i'm not too keen on glenville granville either look that shirt made you look that too hungarian well so what you you keep on telling me that i'm supposed to be half hungarian yeah but it's the bottom half of you that's hungarian isn't it that's where that's where the gypsy and you lies doesn't it i mean you can't put your shirt on the bottom half can you hey so think of the neck hole no you are a british from the waist stop it's only from the waist down that you are so slightly budapest but listen consign your shirt to the flames here grand villains and stick to your fire lighters there might be something they're very big for you in it like a bonus look at the tutor i've had tell you what i'll do every one of your fire lighters that we use on our fire i will let you have at that cost [Laughter] dear there we are mrs parslow will there be anything at all from a mr parslow i don't see why there should be he never buys anything for me oh well i thought you might surprise him with a bit of something tasty i would if i knew where she lived how's that a eldest burboy or yours then get in daft oh yeah thank you very much mrs barslow can call again i suppose i shall have too afternoon mrs parslow glad you think so that woman yes had a hard life built for it won't you especially designed for it imagine how she'd cope with being happy very below average in my being happy my love okay who was that don't worry don't worry it's a man whose dog often takes him for a walk what size dog is it i don't know he's never got that far in what does he do if he wants to buy something you'll see he'll be he'll be back in a minute hey watch this next bill it's good well at least here we go got his money what does he want a smaller flaming dog if you ask me what does he want to buy all that will become clear in the fair fullness of time my lord come on come on now stay sit could i have a back of the condition powder oh my god what will it do with it when it gets healthy why don't you do something with that till i know you [Music] one of these days i should be coming in here and finding you harmless which should do us all a favor it is on the list of little adjustments i have to make my love it is a second in order of priority what's first serves me right for asking i know now watch here we go here we go oh thank you very much yo you're welcome he's right at the top of the street now but if he's in that good of condition it must be him taking the power i've forgotten what i came in for now yeah i know what you all want my love the point is will you let me give it you or rather sell it you let's get our priorities right listen you are a my medical person how would you like to bear by prod me gently to see where it hurts i wouldn't what was that i think however granville's just gone off oh my god what's he been doing he's been making his mixture too strong that's what he's been doing who are you messing with him there yes nicely thank you well i'm telling you he's too strong and will you put your cap out when you're talking to people i wonder where our granville gets to at night as soon as it got near closing time he was off like a rocket that's three times today he's gone off like a rocket you feel such a fool in the shop bang whoops excuse me i'll just go and put our granville out there's not a lot of confidence as yet in our christ little flamers oh pure prejudice i've just let me pile a fire with one it'll be all nice and snug in case i can lure nurse gladys back later for a milk stout oh dear bangor's another evening of fun [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you

Channel: Louis Walkden

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Id: UqZM7Cd9VcM

Length: 91min 30sec (5490 seconds)

Published: Sat Mar 27 2021