Funniest Bits of 'Allo 'Allo Series 1 | 'Allo 'Allo | BBC Comedy Greats

no no we must wait until the war is over but the war might go on forever no no no the british will set us free one day it may take years but they will come hello hello the british sale here well yes but it will take more than two before i tell the wives are you expecting us by any chance what does he say i don't know i don't speak english we wish to talk to monsieur rennie ah renee ah uh we we british uh come from the sky uh shut down um [Music] british um god save our i grace it they are the airmen but they are two days too soon you are two days too soon what do you say i don't know never understood a word of the language you are two days too soon too soon what's he going on about i think he wants your watch before he lets us in too soon there yeah well you better give it to him you can't stand out here forever grasping french twit we left us absolutely stranded it done kirk you know we have to give him a watch to get us through the window god knows what he'll want before we get food why has he given me his watch babies the british are grateful because we fought the germans while they ran away at dunkirk you at best keep it they must be offended ah thank you he's pocketing the damn thing i don't want them here this place is crawling with germans well what am i going to do with him we must add them until we can talk to michelle i think she says where am i going to ride then what are they talking about i don't know about to think of some way to get your watch i don't know about you but i'm damn peckish me hungry hungry no no what's wrong with him i think he have the toothache that was taking them to a dentist no no no dentist that's definite enough no food i thought you wanted the watch here you are you mercenary frog thank you sardines how can i make them understand we have to hide them leave it to me what do you make of that i think she wants me to go behind the curtains in that case what are those for maybe she's got a sticky catch on her bra i've seen your officer i think i should go first take these worthless parcels and put them in the cellar oh my god the british eminent are here already jack pierre my old friends whine on the house for my old friends jack and pierre the onion sellers very kind with you but my name is claude this is alex this is our first visit here but in that case you can pay for your own did they go they wine down the center to make sure it was not too damp for the reclining madonna with the big boobies you better brush up on the marsalis i say chat i've news for you two more british ammon are coming here very soon oh good show what are their names do we know them she's gone they don't hang about do they i say that's a jolly good disguise yes where did you get the tags did you club with a couple of jenny's mr rennie what are these englishmen doing here renee auto fleet from the gestapo is upstairs what how very convenient yeah i've got a nasty feeling he's not one of us are we escaping british business then i tell the gestapo what i have found i will get the middle for this and what about the picture i would say you stole it and concealed it ah but colonel de gestapo will take the picture back to berlin and then cause your pension i think reni has a very good point there colonel keep some fight i will deal with the gestapo have you found the treasure we have just searched the cellar not a smell of it continue to look i shall not return to berlin until the picture is found hey clap hitler pierre jack emil my old friends [Music] suddenly in this town many onion sellers it is a festival hellflick every year they gather in the town to examine each other's [Laughter] they do onions dance of the onions and at midnight they have the feast of the onions will they just eat and eat all the time it sounds very strange to me by three o'clock in the morning it sounds unbelievable tomorrow i have just saved your life i am eternally grateful colonel and from now on i give the orders and you will listen to every word very carefully and obey every detail anything you say colonel if it will be room six and one hour with the vet celery and the flying helmet and the feather duster what about the egg whisk no it was grenade the electric mixer will see you now oh colonel what an honor it is to be received in in your wonderful commandeered office i have taken the liberty of bringing a few simple worthless gifts for you a bottle of chateau lafitte some rather good cigars which i was keeping until after the war was over but as you were doing so well i thought you might as well have them now some cheese a little cognac napoleon of course and a small bottle of perfume for your assistant thank you very much but i don't wear it not you this assistant this beautiful young lady this fine example of german womanhood oh thank you now what can i do for you colonel we just want you to answer a few questions will there be anything else going on will there be anything else hunts yes colonel we shall require a pair of pliers and some rubber holes oh no not the pliers i will tell you everything i know just so we can get the gas poker working not the gas boat i will tell you everything i don't know we have a serious problem yes well i don't think it's as serious as my problem we know you have been hiding british airmen and helping them to escape well i know you know that colonel but may i remind you that on your behalf i am also adding a valuable old painting which you hope to sell after the war one oh not to mention a priceless cuckoo clock 2-1 no hands no score because we're gonna hand that painting to the gestapo and then they will leave us in peace because we will hand you over as well oh but colonel that painting was to be your pension after the war with it you could have bought your own little bertha's garden in the mountains if you hand it over you will have nothing and if you hand me over well well the cafe will not be the same without jolly jovial generous money the life and soul of any party it is very sad renee but there is no other course open to us but we've enjoyed your hospitality yes i had noticed we've always regarded you as a friend well i i look upon you in the same way colonel and the captain and the young lady out there with the people we all think of her as a friend the last thing in the world we want is for you to suffer at the hands of the gestapo and you are most considerate colonel so i am going to give you this ring inside is a pill and in one and a half seconds you shall be like a dead beetle i don't think i shall ever forget your kindness colonel perhaps rinnie would like to give his wife one even the frenchman cannot think of that sort of thing at the time like this colonel a little idea is running around in my brain how would it be if we let the gestapo find a copy of the painting you have a copy of the painting no no but perhaps one could be made by a well let us say a forger you know a forger well in my business you meet all sorts mind you he would want paying how much well money means so very little in these hard times but perhaps a bottle of chateau lafitte 37 and some cigars and a little cognac what about the cheese you may keep the cheese we could use it to stuff in our ears when his wife sings in the cafe are you actually asking us to lend you our uniforms colonel believe me it is the only way to get the picture to england to have it copied but colonel if the gestapo ever found out that we have been helping british airmen to escape do you not think that they would be cross if they find out about the stolen painting they will because look look you will be upstairs with the girls and your uniforms will be quietly stolen after a brief but very enjoyable interval they will be returned to you now what do you say colonel the girls are waiting will there be time for the flying helmet in the wet celery just i agree what about you hans well i i am thinking about my little wife in berlin uh what about maria and the egg whisk berlin is a very long way away my wife is about the same size as maria height wise [Laughter] it is all fixed but don't forget the boots boots i shashaktor for boots their boots [Music] get out of your talks chaps uniforms will be here any second hey [Music] what is happening they are taking off their clothes ready for their disguise they must not remove their trousers in front of my mother [Laughter] it is war i understand [Laughter] [Music] i stay look at the crumpets get cracking chaps do you think we've got time the clothes you french people you have some very nice jewelry thank you i have a trinket that is much admired really can i show it to you if you must yes ah yes it has a picture inside oh look oh yes what what lovely long blonde air yes isn't it unfortunately he had to have it cut off when he joined the army are they ready well they're dressed but they're not very realistic oh my god and they forgotten the painting the what the fallen madonna with the big boobies i say chaps you've forgotten the picture no we haven't we took it out of the frame where is it now i haven't seen try to look more german right here good night gentlemen come again soon give my love to the fuhrer i'm hitler you see i have to be nice to the germans they are my customers they are winning the war so if i am not nice to them they will shoot me i have to be nice to the resistance otherwise they will shoot him for being nice to the germans i have to be nice to my wife because if she finds out i'm having an affair with yvette she will shoot me if yvette finds out i'm having an affair with maria well she will shoot me now otto flick the gestapo officer is having dinner in the back room upstairs are two german officers in their underwear because i have borrowed their uniforms to have two british airmen to escape the pianist over there is in fact a forger for the marquis and the german officer at that table fancies me and it is only tuesday ready the colonel is getting very impatient you promised he would have his uniform back in 15 minutes it is now 45. take his mind off it keep him amused how can i look at my salary maria can't you entertain him how can i my salary isn't even good enough for superman affleck of the gestapo is paying his bill ready affleck says he's going to search the building he will find the painting of the fallen madonna by vanclumpiness no no the painting has gone but so too are the uniforms of the colonel and your captain if they find the colonel and the captain in their underwear this could make the gestapo suspicious you must keep airfleek amused amusing that gestapo is a very serious business surely you can think of something i have it give me a large glass of your strongest brandy of course at once you have ten minutes five we must hide the german offices quickly take them to the room of my mother yeah maria go and tell the officers i will explain to the old girl [Music] i shall tell them nothing now listen carefully to what i have to say two german officers are coming to your room pigs i will fight them to my dying brush he will not touch you mama that is what they said in 1917 get in the wardrobe if i don't have my uniform in 10 minutes you will be shocked but colonel your revolver is on the belt of the uniform which is around the waist of the bitty chairman who is not here enter it renee he is searching the restaurant and then he is on his way up here who is otto flick of the gestapo not a word the gestapo coming if they find the germans in the wardrobe i could be shot i shall not yield to the torture of circus long live from shut up otto flick good evening good evening i am sorry to put you to inconvenience but there are certain things i need to know there are two german offices in the world [Laughter] [Applause] [Music] you know colonel it is quite pleasant to be a french onion seller people smile at us hmm especially that german officer over there hi hello i think i prefer being a peasant to being a german you'll be a dead peasant here flick finds out we've been helping british airmen to escape i have good news colonel london is making your uniforms they are working through the night and they will be dropped by parachute at dawn tomorrow but how do we know they will fit but they are being made by the very best savile row tailors solomon and klein jewish tailors are you mad that's not the point hans it's the principle of the thing if i'd known they were employing jewish tailors things would have been different we could have ordered some extra shirts the lunch will soon be ready ah what is it you filter fishing bagels maybe the surprise how much longer do we have to wait should i sing a song to her past the time now her flick will be suspicious he is also disguised as an onion seller [Laughter] good afternoon hair pattern i am just a simple onion cellar in search are fine and food sit yes i will obtain wine and food at once miss you renee is it onion sellers here is he another cousin oh very distant yeah i'm beginning to recognize your castles they're all very well built here it is a work of art casserole pigeon it looks very appetizing will you join us i shall be most honored i like the legs i can vouch for the truth of this where did you get pigeon they were in a basket in the kitchen you were fool they were carrier pigeons no yes no don't stand look clear on the leg is a cylinder it contains the measurements of the current there is a cylinder attached to the leg of this casserole kitchen uh uh spices have they should have been removed allow me stop i will investigate inside the cylinder covered in gravy there is a piece of paper with writing on it perhaps it is the recipe or or maybe even the name and address of the picture clearly it is in code this will go advance to berlin to be deciphered by experts congratulations hair colonel already these disguises are producing results [Music] now listen very carefully i shall see this only once you are to take this container i see and what does this container contain balls michelle up until now our relationship has been on a very civilized and friendly basis if i have ever said anything to offend you oh this type of jean is colored a very pale blue well i run a bar i do know that natural glycerin is also called a verapel blue oh i didn't know that but what is the connection this is natural glycerin ah not drop it do not let anyone see it add it in your cellar at 11 o'clock there is going to be a big bang that was not definite it was only illusion what are you talking about what are you talking about i am asking you to add this bottle in your cellar just to blow up the railway line but the railway line does not run over myself my restaurant runs over my cellar i know that i will be back to collect it quite soon well in that case why don't you just keep it because if the germans find it they will shoot me well if they find it here won't they shoot me you have a cafe you have a bar why should you not have a bottle of bowls gene if i could think of a reason i would give you one [Music] you are my love my only love once more [Music] oh thank you for your kind of clothes now are there any requests two beers and some more cheese ah what would you like lieutenant well i have a fancy for something a little different what do you suggest maybe a small pot and lemon definitely very nicely there is miss you renee i have been uh trying to catch his eye all night but i think he is awaiting me he has a lot on his mind at the moment but i'm sure he is not trying to avoid you he's too busy trying to avoid his wife that is very interesting have you got a drink i was asking for something a little different what is that you have there oh it's it's just a very exotic gin ah it is new to me what is it uh balls mr renee so far our relationship has been on a civilized recreation basis anyway no no no b-o-l-s balls oh i'm so sorry it is most intriguing i will try some oh no no no i cannot open the bottle just for one gene better make it two balls you have one also no even for two i cannot open it well uh perhaps she would like one as well yes i would love one you do not drink on duty since now perhaps you would like to give your wife one out of the question hey there i will buy the whole bottle it's not for sale are you trying to get rid of me not deliberately known clerk take this gin to my mother i have forgotten how it smells so long have i been in zinnic take this and mix it with the corn for the chickens it will help them to lay yes colonel renee sit down oh thank you kevin now listen renee i will come straight to the point if you do not get these uniforms by tonight you will be shocked you don't beat about the bush do you not why don't you try it sometime it's better for the nerves especially minors well do we get them or not colonel they are coming from london london helga the less you know the better put some cheese in your ears i'm afraid there was a slight delay colonel the tailor had to go to a bar mitzvah a jewish taylor whatever that means [Laughter] to to someone who will make contact they will try to get them delivered to us tonight your life depends on it so do our little toes [Applause] come on dinnertime it's time i am singing again i need something to steady my nerves you know singing to a crowded room takes a special kind of courage it's lucky you are so brave what are you doing with that bottle i'm just going to wet my whistle you fool this could blow your whistle through the top of your head what are you saying i am saying it is to blow up a train i am saying it is nitroglycerin i have given time to my mother and the chickens oh no this is disaster those are the only chickens we are what about my mother that drink oh it makes your mama very frisky what happened she got out of bed who went to pick up her slippers and blew the door off the wardrobe quick the chickens oh what's the matter stop throwing this corn so hard still gone where inside the chickens what where are the chickens where's they always go to lazy eggs behind the edge [Applause] that was only five where is the other the coca-cola chaser in sizzy hen house [Laughter] so bang you are looking at a walking legend look at it how you feel this is a very serious situation colonel surely you know somebody who could order our release there is only one person who could order our release who me renee if they shoot us at least i will die by your side if you died in front of me i'd have a better chance you do love me don't you of course i love you in that of course what do you think it will be like in heaven well i don't suppose they let us do this for us only the french would have boys and girls in the same cell helga how did you get up there i am standing on a peasant have you come to get us out no but i have your uniforms back from the cleaners where are they in the office ready for you when you get out but how do we get out here is a hacksaw for the boss ah thank you even without bars i can't get through this little window i could yes but you can't sign the orders you're not senior enough i could forge your signature i've done it before now it's all coming out general von stand still general von klinkoven is arriving by car he's most displeased somebody's blown up the railway it was him [Laughter] there's you are no doubt all going to be shot you will no doubt wish to see a priest come to sleep well i never would have guessed what do you want i bring you good news your mother-in-law and your wife are coming to see you this is good news also i have for you yeah concealed on my person yeah that's all right we already have an axe so you silly old fool in that case my son up yours [Music] bless you and you you have more visitors why are you putting me in here with these smelly presents to say goodbye to your son-in-law goodbye let us get out oh ready not now we did we have a plan good what is it we are up to here with axles i am down to there with axel up of head everything is going according to plan very nearly don't waste time i have to live it is cold why have you brought me eel the angels are going to take my husband away it's the last time it was the bay leafs this is a very sad occasion for me renee yes i feel the same way left him are you french you are so brave your mother-in-law has not shed one single tear this i believe see what about my wife she is like a rock she said she is going to sing the mercies you wish a blindfold earplugs would be may better shake your hand of course you'll find it round the back can we get on with this please oh i nearly forgot so they have something to aim at two germans such sticklers for accuracy now no i will give you the signal is that it no i am composing myself van drake present your rifles [Laughter] now one two three four [Music] it is over good let that be a lesson to you the relatives may remove the body height give me a scotland to my car hold up do you think he's all right if he is it'll be drinks on the house if not we found another cafe he's still alive he's trying to speak are you impaired keep quiet this may be his last breath words listen carefully i shall say this only once my bum is on a thistle uh edith um when monsieur alfonsus finished his cognac uh show him the body in the office but remy uh renee's buddy that's right mr alphonse i am sure you will forgive me if i do not come with you it is very difficult for me you understand the girls of course miss you it is the unquiet spirit of my husband [Laughter] are we ready i hope sorry am i done i don't [Laughter] why does he have flour on his face [Laughter] when he was arrested he was making a roly-poly pudding i just think we will never see his roly-poly again [Laughter] before i go i will need the signature of the brother-in-law where do you think he is at the moment oh i do not know but uh i am sure he will join us in the bar as soon as he can [Music] victory are you finished it is all done how did it look oh terrible mistake thank you thank you thank you think oh i have left my tape measure um we'll get it fine [Music] it's only a handful of my friends here i thought you said the old village of nuvian was turning out to mourn my passing new york rangers are playing away [Music] vinny hold on to my arm are you going to fend no i cannot see do you think seriously stones will be very close with us because we are bearing the anti-tank mines in a coffin that is their funeral this is mine do you think we should step no hans that would be very poor taste it's bad enough we have with us the man who shot him so being orders i was most upset as i uttered the word fire i felt a complete water this will do they cannot see us here you will bend over and touch your toes keep you in mind i used to steady my binoculars what is wrong hurry up who has the key decree not eve the real please where is he he plays cinderella for the luvion rangers what is the problem the priest has forgotten the key should i shoot off the lock if it wasn't for you and your shooting we wouldn't be here in the first place can you all come back tomorrow i won't keep until tomorrow awake to mines something very strange is happening what is that hair flick the coffin and all the mourners are heading in this direction [Applause] should we move to another position no we are quite safe here [Music] that was very amusing that was not so amusing you would be pleased to hear i've managed to get my lighter out of my back pocket but you're trying to give up smokey i am going to burn through the ropes that tie your lists and then you can untie me oh good i saw this in a film with conrad white take your voice down and stand by i'm ready what is the delay i'm pulling up my vic to get the big flame [Laughter] even comrade vite didn't think of that [Laughter] here we go you are lighting the hairs on my wrist don't be a baby i felt a hope go that was the strap of my wristwatch is someone coming try not to smoke what is happening where am i remove the blindfold what are you doing here i was just putting out the cat and i was pounced on by the resistance perhaps they think i am somebody else you are the brother of the man who was shot you are to have the honor of shooting these men who have wrecked the whole of france if i may say so that is a slight exaggeration here is a gun now it's your chance to avenge your brother oh well i i think you should understand that my brother and i were not that close in fact we did not get on no no he used to bully me you know he used to twist the ear of my teddy bear and and pinch my conkers i know i know it does not sound like much now but when you are little you remember such things i have placed in the chamber two bullets do your duty may i have just one last request we are supposed to have the last request silence pig dug hyena uh i would like to savor my moment of revenge alone we understand quick that was a narrow squeak renee you must get us out of here we cannot go on helping you if you're shocked it is all your fault for saying i was my own twin brother if you had said i was a a distant cousin or something i would not be in this mess what am i going to do cut these ropes and we can leg it out the window wait a moment how do i explain that you have escaped would you like it as well [Applause] you have not shot them yet ah no no uh well i thought i would just torture them a bit you know you know how one does just in case they can reveal any of hitler's plans or or or secret weapons or or where he's going on his holidays my unit has just intercepted a parachute drop we are very puzzled to know what this means there are two german uniforms and two identical paintings how strange more than strange the names of these two officers are on the uniforms and they were dropped by the raf that is because we are british officers in disguise isn't that so charles absolutely henry old bean you think it is a very long way they go with some circles so who knows but i feel this is the correct road good sense of direction if only we had a compass we could check our bearings look out to the greek bear there are many clouds and two stars your full hands not up there it's an in outside new never mentioned it view i don't tell you everything listen there's a car coming i will hold it [Music] the captain and i have escaped that is quite evident we have good news we have found the class the missing painting of the fallen madonna with the big poopies hans give the paint to heffley the fur will be delighted good i will take it advance to a place of safety all right all right have a little patience with you you are waking up the old house for the sake of heaven now then where is the key just a minute what is happening we will post the house by the banging i too was aroused by the banging i was aroused when i saw the guns with the candle all right who is it hello candle you are safe oh what night and the news is good we have handed the forgery to hell flick to send to the viewer and we have the original painting for you to hide behind the bricks in your center and then we can all sleep soundly in our beds oh once oh give it to me quickly in case you have been followed the trouble you have given us all uh well take a good look my friends you will not see them again until after the war is over which is written on that little label in the corner i don't know it is in english i don't understand i speak a little english i will try to translate for you dear resistance please note this is the forgery [Music] you gave how freaked the wrong one your cross aren't you but what do we do now we must get the painting back before and flick can send it to the fuhrer i knew he's going to do that you are and if you don't i will not be shocked get everyone to bed life is back to normal kelvin go advance to here flick and let him ring the information out of you yes ah i see a typical cheese salesman entering my cafe excuse me thank you green cheeses you will buy my cheese shut up thank you cheese seller i am prepared to purchase all your wares oh i'm very fortunate never before have i had such a good day for selling the cheeses that means you can go home without delay it is i leclaire well i never the radio is already connected and the spare battery is in the dutchy dam with the knobs on the face of that cheese cellar seems strangely familiar ah yeah yeah well it is a very small village and uh we do a lot of interbreeding i believe you have a luxury for me oh yes yes a little packet of your favorite cigars yes so much trouble it is most touching thank you [Applause] hi i do not know this tune i do not know it all that well myself cheers [Music] [Laughter] i beg your pardon yeah it's enjoying his new bicycle i am glad to hear this who is pierre who is he's just a young lad in the village did you give him the bicycle no no why are you telling me he is enjoying it well there is so little to enjoy these days uh i was just making conversation [Laughter] philip and john are going for a sweep and i i expect so it's a very small place and there is only one river eloise is expecting a visit from the store oh dear who who is responsible i expect it is pierre he has the bicycle carefully i will meet you behind the [Applause] woodshed [Applause] see you later then [Music] i was made that way unhealthy [Music] men clustered to me like moths around the flames [Music] not you too i should be a lot happier when hell getting hair flicker here otherwise renny could find himself in quite a lot of trouble never mind hans we have a alibi what are you doing and renee are away on a secret mission and they may never return i am obeying my daughter's last request huh uh what is this keep an eye on satin yeah i could keep the islandsy too yes you will also have your end in saturn and now fellow officers of the victorious german army in accordance with our ancient bazaarian tradition i give you for your entertainment kunila erica hilda ginger yvette they hit them [Music] so [Applause] [Applause] [Music] thank [Music] [Applause] our girls make very good boys do they not yes indeed one could easily be fooled do not let the fact that i am a senior member of the gestapo and did not receive an invitation to your gathering stop you from having a jolly time are we your permission to carry on here flick of course albert music who is having the drinks help yourself here flick it's all free this is good you

Channel: BBC Comedy Greats

Views: 1,761,806

Keywords: bbc, bbc comedy greats, bbc comedy, comedy greats, british comedy, Sitcom, allo allo, allo allo!, allo allo policeman, allo allo best moments, allo allo helga, good moaning, allo allo the fallen madonna, allo allo nitroglycerin, allo allo you stupid woman, allo allo herr flick, Gordon Kaye, René Artois, 'Allo 'Allo!, vicki michelle, Edith Melba Artois, Carmen Silvera, Herr Otto Flick, Yvette Carte-Blanche, french resistance, occupied france ww2, officer crabtree, Rene

Id: OtQxugFYQqs

Length: 62min 49sec (3769 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 16 2021