- [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter
before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. This is Breaking News. - Welcome to Breaking
News where we don't know what we're about to say
and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh. Live from the studio
I'm Kippy Yee (laughs). - All right. Oops sorry, didn't get that last part, what was it? - Kippy Yee! - One more time. - Kippy Yee! (laughing) - Out of the gate, complete disaster. (cameraman laughs) (alarm blaring) (Kippy laughing) (alarm blaring)
- Wild. - Thanks Kippy, I'm Clearly New Here, - Full weeping! - Tonight's top story is eyeballs. - That's right, that's right! (laughs) - Insane! - I can't get my, I can't get rid of it. - Wait Amy just go like this. (laughing hysterically) - Did you try? - This is always good
if you can break 'em. - Can we start over? - Nope that's not how this works. We absolutely can't start over you have to say the words on the screen. - That's right, these weird little grapes can do all sorts of dumb shit from making us sad, to making us horny. And guess what? - What? (laughs) - Even cows have them! - What? Cows get horny? Ah-roo-ga! (sighs) - Indeed, turns out since
the inception of man we've always had those
little slimy C-spheres in our shitty heads. Some people watch movies with them, others watch birds. - And the birds, watch them. - What? - It's a two-way street we've got eyes, birds have eyes, bada-bing. No, it can't be. Birds have eyes. (screams) We now go live to our field reporter, and resident tree expert tree reporter, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou? - Thanks for asking, Clearly, but I think you meant where fur art thou? That's a tree pun for those of you tree enthusiasts out there. - Oh, all two of you. (chuckles) No I'm done. - I know, today's a special wittle day for all our twees here
in this wittle field because it's every tree's first birthday or should I say birch-day. - You shouldn't. - That's right, one year ago today, we planted 10 kinds of trees
right here in this very field and I'm going to list them right now. Birch, Maple, Ash, Rowan, Hawthorn, Douglas Fir, Blue Spruce, Cherry, Apple, Lemon, Orange. - That's 11, great job Romeo. - We have a list right here and everything you said was true. Even the last one. The fruits really saved
you at the end there. - I remembered halfway
through that every fruit has got its own kind of tree. Yeah I was pretty confident, really said it with my chest, nut. - Enough of that bullshit! - Truly insufferable. - We now have a wonderful little treat for our audience tonight,
a little hometown segment with our very own Clearly
New Here's mother. - What the fuck? - We now go live to mama New Here. Mama? - Thanks Kippy! And watch your shitty
little mouth, piss boy. You may be too old to call your hot momma but you're never too old for a spanking. (laughing) - Mom, mom, mom, - What? (laughing) - Mama, mama (laughing) - Not sure if Amy's
actually in trouble or not. - Are you talking? - Mom (laughing) - It's so sad sounding. - Mama do you have any
embarrassing little stories about Clearly? - Do I? I remember this one time
Clearly was about nine or 13 and he ran into the room just
absolutely covered in butter. I mean sopping wet, head to naked toe in a hard cow cream you see or ya feel? He runs into the room and he tries to stop but a mix of inertia, milky lubricant, and the sins of his ancestors, made it so he kept slipping and sliding right out the door. Didn't see him for two days or years, one of the two. - I told you that if you told that story ever again I'd spank you. - And I told you if you laid one hand on these matronly buns
I'd get you arrested for grand larsony you little pervert! - Wow, you can really
feel the tension in here. Ah-oo-ga! - That's my thing, I already did that. - Oh sorry, I should've said ah-choo-ga. - We gotta wrap this up-- - But before we do mama, did you have any other
embarrassing things to share? - Oh of course, my little son he was always big into meats-- - I love the noise. - I couldn't get my son
off of meat as a kid, the first time I spooned
it into his mouth, it was pureed meat when he was a baby. That's how he grew so huge, he couldn't stop himself from eating meat and the one day I get a call
from the school principal they said "Mrs. New Here", I said "What is it?" and they said "Clearly's gotten
into the meat trough again." and I said "No I told
him he can't go in there" and they said "He knew
that but he got the keys, "he broke into the locker, and
he went into the meat trough, "and he's got himself doused in meat" and I said "Well I'm tired of this." - Sorry let me double
back on part of this. So there's a locker room
in your child's school where the meat trough-- - It's you! - Baby need that meat! (laughing) Baby, need that meat. - Did you not know the bit is that she's your mom? - What? - She's my mom. - I'm his mom. - I'm Clearly New Here. (laughing) - Yes, that's what the viewers want. A deep dive into the world's logic. What's the world-- - I'm Clearly New Here. That's Clearly New Here's momma. - My son. My white son, loves meat. He went to an elementary
school with a gym locker room-- - Ever since she spooned
it in my mouth as a child. - I spooned it in his mouth, puree, Gerber baby puree, into his newborn mouth because I couldn't breast feed. - Reminder for all our
Breaking News fans out there we depend on you guys to
update the Breaking News Wiki. Where we explore the character of the ongoing storyline of this show. Thank you so much for all your hard work. - Well I'm glad we settled
that, before we go, we have to announce that
our loser this week is me. (cheering) Thanks for watching everyone. (laughing)
Thanks for watching. (laughing) That face failed me too many times, that is a betrayal of a face. - Holy shit.
Please report this post if:
Read more about the rules of this subreddit here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.