- [Narrator] From West
Hollywood California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter
before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. - I'm Scrum Tooterscoots. - And I'm Danny Warbucks, no relation. - Teens, they're America's
largest children. But could they also be the dumbest? Only months after satisfying
their hunger for Tide pods, (laughs) teens have started
a new dangerous fad. - Taking shits while standing up. - That's right, no squatting
or bending or anything. Just standing perfectly straight
and squeezing out a turd. - It's called Ann Coultering
because your butthole is (suppressed laughter) unbelievably tight. You spew shit everywhere
and when you're done, everyone hates you. - Though some doctors say Ann Coultering is physically impossible, others say, "No, I bet I could do it." Then everyone just sort of imagines how that whole thing would even work. Despite these warnings
from the medical community, hundreds of teens have attempted
the Ann Coulter Challenge, to the detriment of bathrooms everywhere. Asked about how the phenomemon
has effected his bathroom, one Starbucks manager in Brooklyn said, "I have seen no difference". - Disturbing stuff, Scrum. - Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. - While YouTube has promised
to remove all videos of lock-kneed teens dropping a deuce, more go up every day as people
hear about the challenge and say, "Hey yeah, what
would that look like?" - And, more importantly,
what would it feel like? - Enticing questions, to be sure. And now, for entertainment
news, we go to Chunch Cucumbers. Chunch? - [Chunch] Thanks, Scrum. If you're a fan of the Transformers movie,
you're shit outta luck, because I'm gonna talk about
"Call Me by Your Name." Big news for the peach that got
fucked by Timothée Chalamet. This lovable bundle of
juice is set to star in the remake of "American
Pie 2" in the role of the pie. That's right, they're only
remaking the second one. Also, Streep alert! Streep alert! Meryl Streep feasts tonight. (laughs) Hide your children and hang
a bough of fresh rosemary over your door; Streep season is upon us. Streep will feast on the
bones of the unworthy. Fear and glory to Streep! Finally, it's pilot season
and America can't wait to see what piece of shit is
only gonna last one month. The top contender this year is a show where a detective solves crimes
but is also something else, like a werewolf or a
time traveler or a man with a perfect memory or something. But, the greatest mystery is
the one that he is closest to, like the murder of a family member. He could also be a licensed psychiatrist or a dog walker, or maybe he
just has a mental illness. Yes, it seems like America is always ready to tolerate a show about a detective who is also one other thing, but only for about a month. - I'm sorry, Chunch, I'm
gonna have to interrupt you. We're getting some breaking
news from the mall. We go live to our man in
the street, Twink Marmalade. Tell us what you're seeing, Twink. - Chaos, Scrum. Utter chaos. Starbucks is releasing seven new drinks and people are rioting. - What sort of new drinks are
we talking about here, Twink? - Oh, you better believe
I'm gonna list them. - Please do. - Nothing would make me,
personally, happier right now than to hear you list a couple
of new Starbucks flavors. - Then buckle up, Danny,
because here I go. We've got the Caramel-fisted Bambino, the Blumpkin-spiced Latte,
the Burnt Dinner Coffee poured by a brassy waitress
who calls you "hon", Bread and Gravy Mocha,
Salted Chapstick Macchiato, a cup full of bones, and
something just called Jeremy. - Yum! I can't wait to pour
some Jeremy down my throat. - (laughs) Then get down here, Scrum, and enjoy a piping hot venti
Jeremy while you still can. - We will! Thanks, Twink. - Thank you, Danny. - No, thank you! - Okay. - Well, that's all the time we have. To all our viewers at home,
good night or good luck. And an extra special congratulations to our employee of the week this week. We aren't supposed to laugh or smile and this person really beefed it the most. Congrats to Ally.
- What? (claps) - Thank you.
