- Li'l dairy, li'l daisy creamers (dramatic sting)
and wailin' fatback weeners! - Oh, shit. (funky music) (dramatic sting) - [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter
before they read it Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. - Hello and welcome to Breaking News the show where we don't
know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh. I'm Bob Sauce.
- And I'm Bob Sauce. - Tonight, a big upset for
anyone looking to buy mattresses? - Mattresses?
- You better believe it. - I don't
- Well start. (dramatic sting) - Okay, local mattress retailer Ass King discovered a little bed bug infestation in the padding of their
California Ass King mattress. - Now Sauce, is that the same infestation that affected their twin
Ass King's last fall? - The very same Ass King infestation. - Now, regarding this infasstation, - Uh-huh? - What can consumers do to make sure their own mattresses aren't ass effected? - Interestingly, a California
native species of spider is said to be the best
way to fully examine, exterminate bed bugs. They are friendly to humans, but love those little bugs. - Little bugs.
- Little bugs. - Now, don't you think, Sauce, that the solution will create
a big spider infestation? - Hey, one problem at a time, am I right? Now to throw it over to weather. - Aye hi, I am the weather person, this is the weather update. Winds are moving in due east. So if you're trying to
dump your Ass Kings, be sure to do it before the wind strikes. - Dump our Ass Kings?
- Dump our Ass Kings? You have to pause for a
stupid amount of time. (repeated dramatic stings) - Dump your Ass Kings! Thanks all, back to you. - Thanks saucy, ooh, this just in. A breaking news alert from
our senior correspondent, Little Shitty Cannoli. Little Shitty. - Thanks Sauces, it
appears that in response to the Ass King mattress crisis, congressional representative Todd Dumbass is issuing a ban on
newly illicit substances said to attract bed bugs. The complete list is as follows: squeamy beavers, curdlin weemers-- (repeated dramatic stings) pissy steamers, Li'l dairy, li'l daisy creamers, (dramatic sting) and wailin' fatback weeners! - Oh shit.
(dramatic sting) - Senator Dumbass says this, we'll ban, this ban will
be imposed indefinitely. Until we can crack the
Ass King infestation. - My all this commotion for
an Ass King infestation. - Guess ti's true what they say, ass. - Ass. (dramatic sting) Ah hah, ass. You said it guys. Now that's all the time we have today, but we'll close with a
bit of personal news. Our employee's of the week just couldn't stop smiling and laughing even though they're not allowed to. Congrats to our employee
of the week, Grant. - What a dumbass. - So until next time, thank you from everyone
here at Breaking News, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob
Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob
Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob
Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob
Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob
Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, and Little Shitty Cannoli. - Good night. - And dump your Ass Kings. (dramatic sting)
(record scratch) - Hi, it's Mike Trapp from CollegeHumor. Click here to subscribe, click
here for more fun things. And send help to keep me from sinking. Please, please help. Please help.
