PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 5 - DEAD MEN DO NO DEATH

[Music] you guys remember when I questioned what Johnny Depp wasn't in dire financial straits like Nic Cage was well I guess he is thankfully Disney is willing to give him a second chance and a third chance like as many chances as it's still financially sound but James Gunn now [ __ ] that guy he made edgy jokes on Twitter a decade ago which means old sybbie's never gonna get hired by Disney [Music] so here we have pirates of the caribbean dead men tell no tales the twenty-sixth movie of the pirates franchise is only the second to ditch these two would focus on the moneymaker right here this dude who honestly really helped this series break out of well you know be in cutthroat island I know what you're thinking sippy why are you talking about a new movie why are you talking about a movie hasn't every hack on the internet talked about it well I've wanted to talk about this wood for a while it fits in with my weird obsession with what I like to call franchise auto cannibalism where a series feeds on its older entries to try and stay alive we have a special treat here today I'd like to introduce you kids to the patented Johnny Depp respectability meter because Johnny Depp can turn in a good performance when he feels like it also I think this is a good representation of his rage and quality you got your red wood at the top that's good stuff then your hunter s Thompson your Edward Scissorhands then you really slip into the bad stuff where it's more makeup than man you got your bad Hatter then I know some of you kids won't recognize this one as an aficionado of absolute [ __ ] trash I'm gonna tell you that's a character from Kevin Smith's independently produced and financed true north trilogy and if you want to know what those movies are like imagine a middle-aged man thinks that the ideas he writes down when he's baked are good and then he gets funding for them Johnny Depp is in tusk which is a movie about a mad scientist turnin Justin long into a walrus it all started with a walrus and actually all started with he's also with yoga hosers which is a movie about Kevin Smith a Johnny Depp where they cast their teenage daughters in a movie as convenience store employees who fight Nazi bratwurst and make terrible Canada jokes I know that sounds harsh but I try to be harsh in proportion to how [ __ ] terrible something is anyway I'm delaying the inevitable which is showing all year the bottom of the respectability beater so here you go she's saying that I need her for the secret passageway that Colleen who doesn't speak the French has never heard of the passageway you listen to me you're Lady Gaga's you know that this is not the photograph shoots for the Canadian evolved you have a one Manitoba minute and then you will show me the secret the passageway so you must hurry up but I haven't been on board with this overblown loud obnoxious convoluted dumb stupid cash cow series since like the first movie but this movie this movie is only two hours and nine minutes making it the shortest one so far we have a kid at the start who's actually will turned her son Henry I don't remember them having a kid you know I don't remember the other pirate movies so good they'll just kind of blend together into a soupy mess of overblown fight scenes and Johnny Depp acting like a drunk person in that way you act like a drunk person that kids think it's funny because they don't know what being drunk is like yet and he's waiting himself down with rocks and jumping into the ocean because whoever wrote this they just knew I wouldn't immediately assume that this kid was trying to commit suicide anyway he lands on the ship and the ship comes up and it's the Flying Dutchman again so and will is still on the Flying Dutchman ship from two movies ago the Trident of Poseidon can break your curse okay we have the movie's MacGuffin out of the way so it's just like the tales of human Captain Jack Sparrow he will help you find a tribe you stay away from Jack leave the sea forever you have to stop acting like a pirate oh boy this is pirates the judgment sinks back down into the ocean and this kid gets back in his boat and he says Captain Jack Sparrow hey kid I hate to tell you this but you're trying to free your father from a curse set up like two movies ago and you're gonna be driving this story and Captain Jack is still the star does that burn because it should I don't even remember them having a kid so maybe I could just read the cliff notes on these movies oh please god no [Music] I still don't remember most of what I just watched so he's older now by nine years so how old is Jack Sparrow in this movie is he like 50 Henry is on a Royal Navy ship and he tells them not to go into that scary looking place in uncharted waters look at your tots I believe you're sailing us it's the devil's triangle so there are none charted waters like on this map but there's a bunch of islands surrounding the uncharted waters maybe I'm just not nautical Imai didn't I don't understand what Uncharted means so we'll chalk that up to you dad to give me all this boy yes pal he's dead there even an unmarked grave on the islands Martin and he's never died before huh something in the water that's no ships it's a shipwreck look I know why Javier Bardem hair does that but you could have just you know not had his hair do that and he'd still be intimidating and he wouldn't look like somebody dumped 20 million dollars of unnecessary visual effects on his face all I'm saying is that Javier Bardem can look intimidating with this hair speaking No Country for Old Men a movie in which Javier Bardem played a character symbolic of the inevitability and randomness of death he's in this movie doing something with exactly as much nuance [Music] wait he's strong enough to lift this dude off the ground one-handed snap his neck and toss him like a rag doll but he needs [ __ ] sword crutches the key TARDIS cable he's got this bottle which he holds all baby keep it coming for me I'm really a message from hey [ __ ] what's wrong with your mouth did you accidentally pick the cute umbrella one hour later there's an extended flashback where he tells a tale were introduced to Karina Smith here never mind that you introduced this character by having a reciter entire backstory for us that's fine I mean it's not it's shameful but I could hear a pic in that [ __ ] lock this whole time I could see her picking that lock this whole time he could see her too and that she looked like she was used to Keith what was having trouble that's not good guys that's you could have started this character off in the lab later right it could have been the same except she wouldn't be running from the British and so Jack Sparrow was also on this island trying to rob this Bank at a time action scene that relies on people being able to think that these horses can pull this big heavy safe and also this bank and maneuver it I'm all for suspension to disbelief I mean we believe that Christopher Reeve could fly and that Johnny Depp could be in movies I don't hate so Jack's just chillin in this bank vault with a bunch of money passed out and drunk and there's a girl in there with him who isn't there at first I saw cinemasins point this out because I had to watch that before I wrote this video and make sure I wasn't making the same jokes and thank [ __ ] I wasn't so he rolls right over this girl and she doesn't notice I mean I guess he was getting into her Devils triangle a little earlier that can't be comfortable inside that box I mean that vault and also I could go into how spatially like in terms of continuity this [ __ ] makes no sense it looks cool though sometimes but then whatever it rounds corner and follows the horse it's like it's out of track or something there's no way this Bank makes this turn unless it's on a track beat say my brain doesn't buy it as much as my love for mindless entertainment wants it to I gotta give him credit cuz the scene ends actually pretty well in a cartoon logic kind of way but it's good it's entertaining face it Jack bad luck dogs you day and night now that is a place of publication what bad luck this [ __ ] isn't dead after being dead like twice and somehow not being dead from getting dragged by horses and [ __ ] and drinking like a young Johnny Depp you've lost your luck you've lost your [ __ ] now and now you have my permission to die guess how Henry gets back to this island right he paddles from wherever the ghost pirate left him oh [ __ ] no wait you [ __ ] up my face I couldn't leave that out anyway Henry paddles from wherever the ghost pirate left him and then he gets back to this island he just happens to paddle back to the island where Jack Sparrow is the guy he's been looking for for nine years and also the scientist girl who has a map to Poseidon's trident because I need to get off this island to solve the map Reed left by Poseidon himself but this map has never been seen nor read by any man that's the first time anyone in seventeenth-century ever said that elsewhere Jack trades his compass for some rum because he has a serious drinking problem that should probably be addressed at some point why would you laugh to sober man for four years but since he gave away the compass Javier Bardem knows where he is the curse is a little broken though as Javier Bardem gets to see the Sun again which I mean I haven't seen the Sun in a couple of years myself is it blue now if somebody put a compass out of my bar that caused earthquakes I just say here have the bottle and [ __ ] off because I don't want to get involved in any of this [ __ ] as if I think something you're trying to give me is causing an earthquake I'm sending you the hell away from my bar Oh God Garrett and when he leaves the Brits find him and shoot him right in the bottle which is the only time a bullet hits anything close to any of these characters of this movie I'm the pirate captain Jax the moon has tons of blood the Trident will be found and you could be the one who holds this yeah he knows this is [ __ ] you've earned a point back Johnny Depp and so Salazar that's his name that's Javier Bardem character's name and his ship it's right here on the horizon and then in the next shot it's here and then in the next shot it's here and I know what you're thinking ghost pirate magic just wait til later though Geoffrey Rush's back is Captain Barbossa he gets a whole story of the ships being attacked by Salazar for these two guys I've been expecting you captain price of crossing my doors blood captain you should have told him that before he gave that guard a sack of money this guy's died twice already in this series so this witch lady is clearly evil but I like her she pulls bald off and well let's see how this goes Geoffrey Rush is good at this he's hammy but he doesn't overplay it it's a delicate balance this has never explained she just has it so we can go to Barbosa so he can take it back to Jack what you have to understand is that moment to moment plot points in this movie don't really make any difference they don't add up to anything everything is really a means to get all these characters in front of a green screen for the final battle Paul McCartney is in this movie as Jack's Uncle Jack cuz the mouse can afford anybody you know my Uncle Frank was in prison and they treated him really good he was in the Aryan Brotherhood I mean he wasn't a Nazi he just hated the Jews black people gays and travelling insurance salesmen but as far as I know he's okay with gypsies yeah I keep telling them like he told him I'm not involved [Music] [Music] you guys are never gonna find him he's an idea oh why was regular faster snowing I I killed mr. not now no you don't it makes this movie feel way longer they tried stoning me my dear it did not work no don't stop please stop let's see Henry goes to gets Jack's old crew to help rescue Jack and Karina who are about to be executed but he does this off screen so we can be surprised when they don't both get killed I sure AM man just I want it to be over I wanted it to be over for like three and a half movies okay I like this shot with the guillotine even if it is fake his [ __ ] you ruined it they tried stood these pirates shoot cannon and they punch people while they have swords because you can't be killing anybody here this is an execution during more than that we find the trident together do I have your work if you're holding everything but my work perhaps we could discuss this later as I'm having trouble wasting your port you are far from port that is my stern now I know she looks fancy but this is the 1700s that girl's probably gross his [ __ ] under there I believe you're sailing uh since the devil's triangle you know she ain't shaved or anything man if you think the Flying Dutchman smelled fishy girl I don't know I wasn't sniffing dicks on the Mayflower gentlemen these two prisoners will lead us to the Trident captain you really think we can find the Trident Master gives you a weary War there's nothing to be concerned about it all what could possibly go wrong so stuff happens it takes a while so I'm gonna skip to the part where you're going to read that wool for me we will die the British Empire will have the Trident and rule the sea we just don't have enough people going after enough MacGuffins it's not enough of a steaming mess we need more you know when people say less is more they're wrong what if I told you the British Navy could be completely removed from this movie and it wouldn't make any difference because they could and it wouldn't and could somebody explain to me why they can't catch up to Jack Sparrow on their magic ghost pirate ship that can teleport like Jason between cuts and eat other ships I haven't spent any time talking about these two characters who are falling in love or their chemistry and I promise I will just as soon as I find it just because you can't see something doesn't mean it's not bad hey you remember the men tell no tales yeah you didn't think I'd come back to make a petty joke about how the name of your movie is [ __ ] surprise pirates the Pirates had infected the seas for generations they give me the life of my father and his father before it's okay nobody dies in the series except maybe you but they bring you back you know you know I like Javier Bardem and God blessed he's trying it's up to you now this compass points towards what you want most the devil is trying oh Jesus Christ just hire somebody younger there is no way that he sounds like that just stop it CG I can't fix time decades the substance abuse and living in Hunter s Thompson's basement Johnny Depp slept in your basement the guest rooms oh no but it's a dark dark place there's all kind of books in it and oh ho and he discovered a keg of dynamite flash powder acted gunpowder right next to his bed what was dynamite what was dynamite doing next to his bed why do you have all this dynamite well for bombs Jack is captain to the ship in this flashback after the old captain dies just because you know he leads Javier Bardem into the devil's triangle and there you go vengeful ghost pirates luckily as soon as he's done telling this story they find Jack and then there's these bits about how these 17th century pirate's who live on ships and go across the sea don't have any idea about how stars can be used for navigation and shut up movie finger no so she's saying she's got the map but she's the only one who could follow Ernie an astronomer I'm also just oh because it sounds like horologist poor name in that did we all have some living night but wasn't a horror all would just be someone who studies [ __ ] no no I'm a hole on the gist so was my mum but she didn't grow back as loud as you you saying your mother was academically inclined more like horizontally you know jokes like this is why they took my belt away okay so these three get on a boat because the other pirates the ones they called stupid yeah they decided to toss Jack out even if it was Jack's idea you know to save their own lives and not get that's not even important because zombie sharks zombie sharks we've gone full sci-fi channel original and this movie is not good enough Sherlock for this to work what is the goddamn point of the Sharks if they could walk on water what's the point of a ship if they can walk on water there are labels still on trend I knew that so then Captain Jack has to marry this filthy pirate [ __ ] and me telling you this by summarizing it is only taking slightly less time than the movie does to explain why this is happening dad we meet again I always knew you did you bring me again you know what I'm gonna give it to you that was good right here it's where you recapture the magic of the original movie you know you've been trying to do that for like four sequels and it hasn't worked you see Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush busting each other's balls they play off each other well you know you know you rehash ghost pirates on a ship a bunch of times but you know that the most simple kind of character interaction that really helped the first movie we I didn't mention that part where Jack had a bottle with the Black Pearl in it from before because that's nonsense but Barbosa just stabs it with a sword that's fine that's convenient no vessel you know on that wretched holler [ __ ] but there be one Jack the fastest ship I know the pearl okay but brightest star in the north gave me my name that be Karina Karina Smith man Geoffrey Rush is awesome but he can't save this movie Javier Bardem can't save this movie Bruce Campbell couldn't save this movie if you haven't already guessed Corita is actually barbosa's daughter for some reason I tell a young woman such as that would never believe that a swine like me could ever be a nut this plot thread shows up an hour and 29 minutes into this movie isn't your ship supposed to be faster like fast enough to outrun the zombie ship and the ghosts that can run on water listen that the whole point [Music] see that that's why the British Navy is in this movie they're done now look there's battles and stuff I don't really care no one's in any danger this is the fifth movie they saw like oh what if Jack Sparrow dies because not only is he not gonna die even if he does die he's gonna come back just like everybody else in these movies Salazar ghost back from the dead Davy Jones dead back from the dead is a fish face Barbosa back from the dead twice as an oscar-winning actor who needs to pay some bells and they hit land just in time the Sun rises on this place and it looks like there's gold and jewels and [ __ ] everywhere so that's nice some of the cinematography and effects in this movie are actually pretty good but unfortunately it was written by one of those AI programs that was fed all the other pirates movie scripts and puked this out you kids are used to be doing video games and this is kind of video game so Salazar possesses Henry Turner and it's explained that he can possess people but only when the plot needs him to be in a place the established rules have set up for him not to be in and only like a minute before that anyway bad guy gets the MacGuffin first and throws water at people he splashing Jack Sparrow around a lot this is a heart-pounding action so you break the trident and that breaks every curse at sea which means you can't really have many more pirates movies considering how they rely on curses and such but should know these guys just died they're missing parts of their heads and that's not even their bodies right because they're ghosts because Javier Bardem can walk through bars here don't think about it so you just turn your brain off shut up that's easy for you to say you only have a quarter of a brain and I have this [ __ ] with the boat sailing on this like this don't even get me started on this [ __ ] Barbosa makes a heroic sacrifice to save his daughter and I'm making a notice the movie plays he's dead until they make another one of these movies it's not all gone and Smith hi my name is Bob dosa you know how much screen time these two head together cuz I do and that's including the scene where he dies oh yeah that's right Will Turner is still cursed on the Dutchman but the curse is broken down so he's back see nobody stays dead so Barbosa will be back if they make another movie and need him back it's not over it's never gonna be over this movie almost made 800 million dollars and while that might not be what studio's consider successful anymore you know you gotta cross that 1 billion mark I'm not saying it's all about the money kids except that's what I'm saying explicitly oh [ __ ] you a big credit scene oh it's Fish Face back from the dead again [ __ ] shocking [Music]

Channel: Civvie 11

Views: 367,587

Keywords: cv11, civvie11, civvie's dungeon, civvie, pirates of the caribbean, dead men tell no tales, review, entertainment, comedy, pirates 5, franchise autocannibalism, kevin smith, tusk, yoga hosers, johnny depp, uncle frank, movie review

Id: mydEHHyRvSY

Length: 24min 1sec (1441 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 16 2018