"Massages & Saunas" - Jim Gaffigan Stand up (Noble Ape)

i was recently given a gift certificate for a massage which i will never use because i am not one of the real housewives of beverly hills i've gotten a massage before but i just i find it hard to justify a massage like you know what you know what i deserve to have some someone i don't know rub my body let's make that happen people cause massages are always from strangers we get massages from strangers because we can't count on the people who love us to touch us right i mean you could be your best friend you see that guy take a bullet for him i'm not giving him a massage i'm no queer my wife the woman i love the mother of my children here's my massage you good that's my hand's cramping so we paid total strangers hey i know nothing about you why don't i take off my clothes and climb on this padded dining room table and you can do whatever you want we know nothing about these people i don't even ask if they're a masseuse well you're dressed like an orderly and a mental ward why don't i get in the most vulnerable position i can think of i want face down on the donut pillow does that work for you because then i can look at your feet and imagine you're grabbing knives what do we really know about massage therapists they like to rub strangers for money while they listen to the avatar soundtrack that's a red flag those are the traits of a serial killer i never know what to say during a massage sometimes i'll try and break the ice and be like hey you're not allergic to leprosy are you they never laugh because they're busy imagining making a suit out of my skin cause they're murderers they already put the lotion in the basket i don't even know what type of massage i'm getting when i get a massage do you want a deep tissue a shiatsu or a swedish massage i'm like i'll take the blonde i don't know cause men view massages differently a woman gets a massage her friends are like good for you a guy gets a massage you dirty dog [Applause] cause men sexualize all human interaction it was a therapeutic massage how therapeutic nothing happened yeah that's what would tell your wife huh that's got to be frustrating for massage therapists that double meaning did you get a massage or a message no other occupation has to do with that did you get a cavity filled or a cavity fill how many dentistry references is he gonna have for me a massage is just an hour of awkwardness right she she gets done she leaves the room i put on the robe i step outside she hands me a glass of water i always look at her and go you're never gonna call me what a charade i didn't have one massage therapist she told me they're allowed to turn people down i don't know why she told me that it was after a show can you imagine getting turned down by a massage therapist that's rough yeah you couldn't pay me to touch it not for all the money on the planet massages that's how some people relax some people relax in a hot sauna and sure who doesn't love recreating the feeling of being trapped inside an active volcano i don't understand the appeal of a song here's every experience i've had in the sun i'm like okay i'm going to get a sweat going it's going to be really good for me here we go it's time to get out right i don't want to overdo it what is so relaxing about sitting in a hot box next to a pile of smoldering rocks i always look at the rocks like whoever's cooking the rocks they're done that's a wrap on the rock cooking and to make the sauna more enjoyable you're always seated next to a naked 80 year old man oh good i get to sweat next to someone's grandpa who's only wearing a hand towel the nudity in the sauna seems unnecessary this is in rome i just look around the sauna like wow so this is why we wear clothes huh so we may eventually eat in finland in finland where they invented the sauna they relax in finland by drinking vodka in the sauna which might explain why we've never read any finnish literature vodka in the sun actually the finns they pronounce it sauna cause they're wasted drinking vodka in a sauna you know what kind of ideas you come up with an m m store in finland in finland i was invited to take a son i was also invited to go cross-country skiing and all i could think is is fun illegal here what kind of antidepressant do you have to be on to enjoy cross-country skiing i i can't believe cross-country skiing is even a sport hey you know that awkward part and downhill skiing where you're trying to get over to the lift what if we just did that this is fine and to turn around you know what don't turn around let's go across the country people who enjoy winter seem mentally unstable right some of those winter activities should get you committed it's like look we love you we're just worried i mean yesterday we caught you walking through the woods with tennis rackets tied to your feet this morning we saw you sweeping the frozen lake what's next you sitting in a sled being pulled by dogs get some help oh that was fun you know what i'd love to have more fun times with you and you know how we can do that is if you hit subscribe or if you let me move in with you i have constant diarrhea why don't you just hit subscribe

Channel: jimgaffigan

Views: 680,010

Keywords: jim gaffigan standup, noble ape, jim gaffigan funny, massages, saunas, jim gaffigan, stand up comedy, comedy, comedy videos, comedy central stand up, best comedy, jim gaffigan comedian, jim gaffigan stand up, funny, funny clips, funny jokes, funny video, the jim gaffigan show, stand up, laugh, best stand up, comedy video, stand-up comedy, standup

Id: mfy04bdnElQ

Length: 7min 12sec (432 seconds)

Published: Fri May 08 2020