Marriage Therapists, Who's Your Worst Couple? (r/AskReddit Top Posts | Reddit Stories)

marriage and couples therapists have you ever simply told the couple they were not right for each other how often have you met a couple whose problems were unresolvable my uncle was a religious leader and a couple went to him for counseling he said that was the only couple where he advised the wife to divorce her husband her husband was addicted to Star Trek he worked part time so he could watch old episodes reruns and had a whole room dedicated to Star Trek choice DVDs posters etc he checked out of his marriage six life was non-existent he had no interest in being a father to his kids and was basically a troll in the basement he had no intention of changing and didn't want to give up any Star Trek time wife took the advice got a divorce lost a bunch of weight looks better and feels better she told my uncle months later that she feels happier than she has in years I would note that in my training we are taught that it is unethical to continue couples therapy with a relationship where one partner is abusing the other mysoline her former husband were in this situation he was his abusive their therapist basically told her that he couldn't continue working with them because her husband was abusive and she should leave him I give a lot of props to that therapist since this was in a highly conservative religious area where divorce is really frowned upon and this was a specifically religious therapist I've been a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist for 15 years I've worked with couples who have improved their relationships and others who have divorced I would never come out and say I don't think they are going to make it but work with them to realize their own needs and wants generally though my intuition is pretty good on her relationship will turn out there isn't a formula or certain set of circumstances that lead to a certain outcome generally issues arise as we move the different life phases my now ex-wife and I went to counseling after three sessions the only thing it did was convince me I needed to leave her let me preface by saying my ex's father was a piece of sheet he was a Lutheran minister that cheated on his wife so many times he lost his job and his wife left him so Bea became a therapist as a couples therapist he saw his job as walking one person through the hoops that the other had already checked out of the relationship then the weaker of the splitting couple became a regular his patients became his minions after that he'd keep them coming back week after week and they would do errands for him not me but a counselor told my sister that her husband was a textbook narcissist and she needed to get herself and her children as far away from him as she could and this was a religious counselor that claimed to not believe in divorce long marriage therapist here I specialize in Affairs never that's not what therapy is about relationship therapy is about clarity and about pushing aside defense mechanisms in order to access authentic vulnerable will selves in learning how to love and be loved any therapist who says problems are unresolvable as a therapist who is focusing in on the wrong goal I have however looked at a couple and said perhaps I'm not the best therapist for you as what I have to offer doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere this when we all feel stuck usually that is because someone is not being honest not a marriage counselor but might have tried to get my mom to go to couples therapy before their divorce apparently three sessions in the therapist turned to my mom and asked if she actually intended on listening or if she just hoped counseling would prove that my dad was the problem and she just got up and walked out counselor told my dad's therapy would only work if both parties put in an effort and it was clear this was gonna be one-sided dad filed for divorce a week later is much happier now mum's still a miserable hunt oh my counselor has a good one for this been with him for almost a decade so I've asked these questions on the first meeting he says I'm going to try and talk you out of your relationship because if a single person without six or alcohol can talk you out of it you probably don't belong together with that said he would never explicitly say you shouldn't be together again what he said was it's my job to help you realize they should or shouldn't be together not outright tell you my husband and I have some friends who were receiving couples counseling she would tell me what the therapist said to do and he would tell my husband when my husband and I would talk about things after we noticed the therapist was telling them two completely different things our friends had been seeing her for years and were starting to think their problems were unresolvable it was our theory that the therapist was doing this as a way to keep clients coming back to her we advised our friends to seek a different therapist not directly related to the question but I had a friend who had been married for two years he and his wife were both 20 the husband wasn't anything to write home about and his wife was a solid eight point five anyways this was in 1999 and he was addicted to EverQuest he would get home from work and say hi to his wife and head over to his game room to play EQ this went on for months and he basically refused to have sex with her they went to counseling in the counselor actually said look man your wife is very attractive do you want her sleeping with other men I guess that scared him so he ended up selling his computer not a counselor but when my wife and I first married because we had a child we went to a counselor act it was two counselors it was a college thing where it was free because they were training big mirror at the back facing us anyways 15 minutes into our first and only session and it's clear that there's really nothing to say one counselor just kind of shrugs and is quiet the other starts yelling at me that I'm not affectionate enough towards my infant kids in the room long she was from Africa not sure why I remember that apparently didn't handle failure well she called and apologized afterwards but Wow anyways probably happens more times than not by the time you get to a counselor my mother told me about when her and my father went to marriage therapy this conclusion ultimately occurred when my father referred to me and my many half brothers and sisters as those kids that kid this happened over many sessions and add another charming qualities my father showed during the therapy as well I can't recall how many but my mother was eventually pulled aside and told to divorce this man and go live a happy life with your son without him ever being around well 28 years later I was four when all this happened the therapist was right my mother was the best parent I could ever have asked for my adopted sister two years younger than me and I had the best childhood you could ask for my sister would ask where is daddy my mother's reply to her was God gave me enough love and care for you and um sixteen and knocked up my mother never bashed my father nor said a bad word about him until my sister and I were in our late teens to this day my mother still appreciates the therapist who helped her realize she needed to leave I had a therapist tell me that once she was of course right when my parents went to counseling the therapist said in my whole career I've never seen two people who push each other's buttons more than you two they are still married but the relationship is pretty toxic if you ask me I don't know how they ended up together because they really are extremely incompatible obligatory not a therapist but a part of the couple after our second session she suggested we separate we didn't make it to the third as I had to call her and let her know that the ex was in hospital from a suicide attempt which he later admitted was a drunk in the Nicollet of attempt to make me stay his theory was that I would go out see him laying there bleeding and everything would go back to happy families except I didn't find him until seven hours later when he had knocked on death's door when my now ex and I were going through therapy she was going on and on about all the things she did right and all the things I did wrong to the point where the therapist said you are never wrong are you my ex took it as a compliment something tells me that this would go about as well as that good friend trying to warn you that the soon-to-be wife husband is a narcissist and to rethink it I'm a professional therapist it would be unethical it is not our job to give that a kind of advice that's not how Farrah P works my late husband and I went to marriage therapy for a while during one of our nine a.m. sessions the therapist pulled me aside and told me he could smell alcohol on my husband I myself couldn't smell it but I wasn't surprised as he was alcoholic anyway I told my husband when we got home the therapist smelled him and of course my husband got mad at me then he refused to go back the next session I went alone and after the full hour the therapist told me to get a lawyer and leave him I didn't and had two more miserable years before he died from all the damage alcohol did to his heart over the years I went for couples counseling with my partner because we wanted a second opinion on some life stuff we went before anything was critical but we were trying to figure out next direction sort of stuff so he sits us down guides us to sit opposite one another instead of next to each other he takes turn asking us individual questions I answered on her behalf once and he tells me somewhat tersely that he directed that question towards Aaron that I need to wait my turn eventually he drops this nugget of wisdom sometimes things are untenable and it's best just to separate while things are still amiable at which point I look at my partner and she looks at me and we burst into giggles this methodical thinks we're splitting up has been careful to set sides and be equitable in our treatment and we just wanted to ask about options of compromise for our aspirations we weren't on the verge of ruin and breakup we still loved and adored each other we forgot to tell him that though I was surprised at how quickly he tossed out the it's okay to break up stick it was within 5-10 minutes of the session starting ionic nearly graduated couples therapist here generally there aren't many issues that can come up that are completely unresolvable but there are some generally though it just comes down to compromising and if you can actually slow down and hear your partner properly sadly many couples come to therapy too late for this and simply can't muster up the motivation to complete homework assignments or really take what our therapists say to heart it's kind of sad but the couples who I've seen be the most successful in therapy are the ones who come in early on when they recognize a problem are fully committed to one another and really put effort into things only 40% of work done in therapy is really up to the therapist the rest is up to the clients therapists can only do so much for the therapist there is no such thing as being right for each other any two people can make a positive life together if they so choose however communication understanding and acceptance play huge roles in that at times it becomes pretty clear either one or both partners aren't willing to compromise or come together on certain issues but to answer your question I've never gone out and said it because a good therapist shouldn't but I have said that things needs to be addressed and both need to take a more active role in their marriage relationship otherwise it is bound to fail in all my years of marriage counseling I've realized that one sign that a couple won't make it they show contempt for each other not even hatred or anger just disdain a guy rolling diminishing one another's points et Cie I wish I could send a screenshot of this to a friend to prove my point but his wife made him block me which should have proved it in the first place my therapist told my first husband and I doubt that we should divorce after the first session there was nothing bad about our marriage other than I was bored and didn't feel like we were a good partnership he wanted to work on it and I thought I also did but I realized that I just wanted to do whatever I wanted and wished my and would accept that turns out that is not a willing attitude for a happy marriage that is just one person wanting to be independent and do their own thing we divorced and I was immediately happy he wasn't he became happy about two years later that was many years ago I am glad that therapist was honest and didn't push us to stay together yes in my experience a woman desperately wanted to remain with her husband their marriage had gone south and she set up weeks of sessions she refused to leave him and told me she would always be a patient and forgiving wife her husband was disrespectful to her in therapy trying to convince me she was a terrible and inadequate wife cursing spitting the whole lot there was no excuse or reason to justify to the things he would say about her meanwhile she'd be in session nearly doubled over in tears her husband later was speculated a narcissist but refused any psychological assessments she put up with years of abuse and even got stood up expecting her husband to show up to sessions on multiple occasions I couldn't work with him it was clear he had no desire to change this makes therapy extremely difficult I told them I could not see them as a couple any longer I advised the wife to divorce as I was aware of the abuse and suggested to them the relationship was toxic I knew I was biased towards his wife and had developed negative feelings toward him therefore unethical therapy the guy was an [ __ ] I couldn't even bring myself to pretend to be neutral in any fashion and cut him off as soon as possible I continued seeing her individually for a while but she relocated hope she's doing great therapist here I have a lot more experience with family therapy as opposed to just strictly seeing couples generally it wouldn't be appropriate to tell a client want to do especially with an enormous life decision like divorce I did see a couple where I thought it was very unlikely that they'd be able to reconcile because they would not put aside their need to hurt each other emotionally in order to do the necessary work to repair their marriage plus the wife had disclosed to me that she only was staying in the marriage out of guilt and was miserable I might ask questions like do you feel like living this way sustainably tc2 get the gears turning generally I help people feel more confident about how they're already feeling what they already want to do I did as an intern they never came back they didn't have any insurmountable issues I just didn't know what I was doing and had no training in this area so I suggested that maybe they split if they just keep bitching about each other I still don't do couples or family therapy years ago when I was engaged to my first husband and we had just moved in together we were having a lot of problems so I suggested we go to a therapist to get on track before getting married the therapist suggested to me that maybe I wasn't in the right relationship and shouldn't get married capital I of course didn't listen and insisted that I loved him regardless of his faults and at the time borderline abusive behavior so the therapist then said well then you are going to need to lower your expectations because he isn't going to change I married him and flash-forward five years when we have a four year old and my husband hits me in front of him he has hit me before just not in front of our kid he has also destroyed me financially and isolated me from most of my friends and family he is also having multiple affairs but wants to stay married because he is unemployed and wants me to support him I ended up having to get a restraining order he responded by slashing my tires multiple times he'd slash them I'd get them fixed he slashed them again breaking into my garage and denting my car and breaking my windshield breaking into my house and cutting router wires stealing our sons dog and turning off the breakers so when we came home late there would be no lights his reign of terror lasted for two months all the while he was fighting me in court for joint custody of our son the police finally caught him red-handed at 2:00 a.m. in front of my mom's house drunken with a weapon he went away to prison for 18 months I got a 10-year criminal restraining order and even six years since he hasn't been able to get any custody or visitation with our son thank God but none of it would have happened had I just listened to that therapist our therapist told us at the beginning of our sessions that she would tell us if she ever felt our marriage was unsustainable third or fourth session and she said she saw some heavy underlying problems and didn't know if we were a parable she had met with us each separately as well as jointly I didn't know what or why our major problems were my wife and I decided to continue therapy after a few months of sessions when my wife finally told me a complete surprise that she had been unfaithful multiple times and currently had a boyfriend I called our therapist for direction the doctor told me she was dropping my wife as a client and would from then on be solely my therapist turns out doc was spot on she told me now I knew some of the things that she tried to get my wife to tell me other things as well but she couldn't divulge what had been discussed in private sessions doc said she had been trying to hint a meter gtfo earlier happened to me I went to counseling with my ex-wife and after three sessions or so the counselor asked us what we would be willing to do in an attempt to reach a compromise I answer truthfully that I would be interested in a continuation of the marriage but not at the expense of having to 100% given every time to her demands then she was asked the same question and the answer basically was paraphrased I would be willing to accept the continuation if I would be willing to do as she asks of me it was not the exact words but the meaning was just the same the counselor looked back at me looked into my eyes and said verbatim you got your answer rifled for divorce the next day very much to her surprise because we just were in counseling and that was going so well [Music] [Applause] [Music]

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Id: 4piGFoD3aqs

Length: 21min 6sec (1266 seconds)

Published: Thu May 14 2020