>> Reggie: ♪
>> Reggie: HI EVERYBODY. >> James: GOOD EVENING, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE "LATE, LATE SHOW," WE'RE SO
HAPPY THAT YOU ARE HERE, IF YOU ARE HERE IF ST POINTLESS, IF YOU
ARE NOT HERE IT IS POINTLESS, THAT IS WHAT I REALIZED. YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN
ANYONE. UNTIL WE SPEAK TO HANK AZARIA,
ALTHOUGH HE WOULDN'T BE IN THE STUDIO, HE WILL BE IN ZOOM, SARA
BAREILLES ALSO IN GLOON, BUT STICK AROUND FOR T LOOK IT UP,
THURSDAY, LAST TAPING OF THE WEEK. YES, BABY, LET'S PLAY A LITTLE
GAME, HANDS UP, WHO THINKS THEY'VE GOT THE BEST-- WELL, NO,
THAT IS NOT THE GAME. IT IS NOT A GAME CALLED HANDS
UP, OKAY. WHO-- LIKE TOO LATE, YOU CAN SEE
THE JOKE, YOU CAN'T-- YOU ARE A BETTER COMEDIAN THAN THAT. >> I THINK YOU NOTICED I ADDED A
SECOND HAND. >>
>> James: YOU'VE GOT BIG HANDS. >> YEAH. >> James: I NEVER NOTICED THAT
BEFORE. HAVE YOU NOTICED IN ALL THE
WEIGHT THAT YOU HAVE LOST THAT YOUR FINGERS ARE THINNER. >> I WOULD LOVE TO TALK ABOUT
THIS OFF AIR BUT I DON'T WANT TO PISS MOAN OFF RIGHT NOW. >> James: UNDERSTOOD,
UNDERSTOOD, VERY WISE, WE COME IN, LET'S NOT HAVE LAUREN, HEAR
AN AUDIBLE SIGH ECHO AROUND THE STUDIO. >> I MEAN I'M ON THE FIFTH DAY
OF A CLEANSE. >> James: YOU ARE ON THE FIFTH
DAY OF A. >> James: YOU ARE ON THE FIFTH
DAY OF A. >> [BLEEP]
>> James: LAUREN SON THE FIFTH DAY OF A CLEANSE. AND WE'VE ALL LIVED THROUGH IT
IN A WAY, HAVEN'T WE? PEOPLE ARE LIKE WHEN IS MY
MEETING WITH LAUREN. CAN SHE MAKE SURE SHE'S HAD OUR
POWDERED SOUP? HERE WE GO, THIS IS IT, HANDS UP
WHO THINKS THEY'VE GOT THE BEST WEEKEND PLANS IN THE ROOM? WHO THINKS THEY'VE GOT THE BEST
PLANS. HAGAR, WHAT ARE WE DOING. >> I THINK WE'RE GOING TO
THE-- NUDE BEACH IN SAN DIEGO. >> James: GOING TO THE NUDE
BEACH. >> YEAH. >> James: ARE YOU GOING TO. >> YEAH, GOING TO GO FOR IT. >> James: SEE, CONGRATS. LOOK, IF I-- THERE IS JUST NOT A
CHANCE. I DON'T UNDERSTAND, I JUST DON'T
HAVE THE LEVEL OF SECURITY FOR WHAT IS HAPPENING DOWN THERE TO
BE DOING SUCH A THING. I JUST DON'T. I JUST DON'T. >> THE JUICE IS NOT WORTH A
SQUEEZE. >> James: NOT A CHANCE. THE PROSPECT OF BEING ON A, WHAT
I LIKE TO CALL A NATURIST BEACH, I JUST THINK IT IS A CLASSIER
WAY THAN A NUDE BEACH. >> Reggie: WAY CLASSIER. >> James: HANG ON, WHO ARE YOU
GOING WITH? >> I MET A NEW FRIEND, A MALE
FRIEND. >> James: YEAH. >> IS. >> Reggie: IS HE THE GUY THAT
COOKS GOOD. >> HE IS THE GREATEST COOKK HE
LIVES BY LAGUNA BEACH, SO IT IS SORT OF ON THE WAY, SO WE WILL
DO A BEACH DAY AND ANOTHER BEACH DAY. >> James: SO HANG ON. TELL ME IF I'M PRYING. HOW DOES THIS COME UP IN
CONVERSATION. CUZ THE IDEA OF SAYING, YOU
KNOW, IN THE BURGEONING PROSPECTS OF PERHAPS A NEW
ROMANCE, I UNDERSTAND SAYING HEY, THIS WEEKEND, WHY DON'T WE
HIT THE BEACH. WHAT MAN HAS THE LEVEL OF
CONFIDENCE TO BE LIKE LET'S HIT THE BEACH, IT'S A NUDE BEACH. >> WELL, IT WOULDN'T BE MY FIRST
TIME, I THINK HE HAS BEEN THERE, HE IS KIND OF A FREE SPIRIT, I'M
NOT. >> James: OKAY, BUT YOU ARE
READY TO. >> YEAH, I FEEL READY. >> James: WOW, CONGRATS. I THINK, I CAN'T SEE NIBBLES
RAISING THEIR HAND AFTER THIS CONVERSATION. I REALLY, REALLY CAN'T. I REALLY CAN'T. I JUST-- I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE
MEN, LIKE IN A CHANGING ROOM AT A SWIMMING POOL WHO ARE JUST
LIKE, HAVE YOU EVER HAD A GUY NAKED, START A CONVERSATIO WITH
YOU IN A GYM WITHOUT IS YUS LIKE YEAH, PRETTY WARM OUT THERE,
HUH. AND ARE YOU LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING? IT'S THE MOST. >> IT'S THE MOST NAKED ANYONE
HAS EVER BEEN, TOO, NEWSCASTED IN THE CHANGING ROOM IN A GYM
TKS IS SHOW MORE NAKED THAN THE DAY WERE YOU BORN. >> Reggie: YOU ARE RIGHT. >> James: YEAH, YEAH, I AGREE,
I AGREE. >> YOU SHOULDN'T SEE THE WAY
MUSCLES FLEX WHEN SOMEONE-- IT'S JUST AWFUL. IF YOU FEEL LIKE A STILL NUDE OR
SOMETHING, FINE, I CAN TAKE THAT IN. BUT IF SOMEONE IS BENDING OVER,
THEN YOU SEE WEIRD THIGH MUSCLES ENGAGE, OR A SCAR ON THEIR
STOMACH ON ALL THAT, UNEVEN BODY HAIR. >> James: YEAH. >> ATLAS OF THE FACT THAT GOD
FORGOT ABOUT US, IT'S AWFUL. >> James: I DON'T UNDERSTAND,
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE MEN IN A CHANGING ROOM WHO TAKE THEIR
CLOTHES OFF AND THEN THINK OH, I SHOULD PROBABLY OPEN MY LOCKER
NOW. AND I'M LIKE WHAT-- LIKE WHEN I
AM IN THAT MOMENT, I'M LIKE OKAY, IT BECOMES A STEALTH
OPERATION. I'M LIKE OKAY, UNDERPANTS,
SHOES, TROWSERS, OKAY, EVERYTHING IS READY, UNDERPANTS
ARE THERE, IN THE QUICKEST DISTANCE, THE QUICKEST DISTANCE,
AND THEN I'M LITERALLY HERE. HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING,
THAT'S-- I CAN'T-- I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE DUDES WHO
ARE LIKE, WHERE IS MY-- WHERE IS MY KEY. DID I LEAVE MY KEY BY THE POOL? (LAUGHTER)
I DON'T-- I WILL NEVER GET IT. I WILL NEVER, EVER GET IT WELL,
HAVE FUN HAGAR. YOU HAVE REALLY TAKEN
US-- YOU'VE REALLY TAKEN US DOWN A ROAD, AND WHO KNOWS HOW MUCH
OF THIS ROAD WILL BE ON TELEVISION TONIGHT. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO KNOW. ANYONE ELSE, ANY PLANS, ANYTHING
TO SHARE-- OH, YEAH, GO ON. >> SUNDAY NIGHT I'M GOING TO LOG
ON TO MY L.A. COUNTY JURY PORTAL AND SEE IF I AM GOING TO JURY
DUTY ON MONDAY MORNING. DOING MY CIVIL-- CIVIC SERVICE. >> James: IS THAT THE RIGHT
NOISE? I DON'T KNOW. SO HANG ON, YOU MIGHT HAVE TO BE
ON JURY DUTY. >> YEAH, MONDAY. AND WE HAVE A SUB LINED UP FOR
MONDAY JUST IN CASE CUZ YOU KNOW I CAN'T BE SURED. I MIGHT GET PICKED, I MIGHT GET
DISMISSED IMMEDIATELY. IT MIGHT BE A MURDER TRIAL. I COULD BE THERE FOR MONTHS, WHO
KNOWS. >> James: OH MY GOSH. >> YEAH. >> James: O MY GOD, THIS IS SO
EXCITING. YOU DO A LITTLE REMOTE TAPE BIT
DOWN THERE? >> IF I-- I MIGHT GET DISMISSED. >> James: WHY DON'T YOU FILM
THE WHOLE THING. >> I DON'T THINK THIS IS AS
EXCITING AS YOU THINK IT IS. >> James: HAVE YOU SEEN SOME
OF OUR TAPES? THIS IS EXCITING TO ME. I HAVE ONLY-- I HAVEN'T BEEN IN
A PROPER COURT ROOM WITH A JURY, I HAVE ONLY EVER BEEN IN ONE
WHEN I GOT BANNED IF DRIVING. THREE YEARS AGO, FILMING THE
CARPOOL, NO, IT WAS LIKE WHEN WAS IT, 15-- 20 YEARS AGO, 20
YEARS AGO I GOT BANNED, I GOT PULLED OVER SPEEDING AND I
REPRESENTED MYSELF IN COURT. BECAUSE I WENT TO SEE A LAWYER
AND HE WAS LIKE DUDE, YOU CAN PAY ME BUT YOU'RE GETTING
BANNED. YOU WERE GOING OVER 100 MILES AN
HOUR. ON A FREEWAY. NOT LIKE ON A BACK STREET. IT WAS LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO GET
BANNED IT IS JUST HOW LONG YOU GET BANNED FOR. I'M HAPPY TO BE THERE BUT SO
LONG AS YOU KNOW, NO ONE CAN GET YOU OFF THIS. AND I WAS LIKE ALL RIGHT. I WILL REPRESENT MYSELF IN
COURT. DID IT. AND I WENT FOR IT. YOUR HONOR, AND THEY WERE LIKE
WE DON'T CALL IT THAT IN HERE. PRETTY LOW KEY, I BOTHER THE
WIG, THE WHOLE THING, YOU KNOW, AND YEAH. ANY OTHER NEWS, NOTHING TO
REPORT. HERE IS A QUESTION. >> WHAT IS-- THAT DECISION. >> SO I AGREED TO DO SOMETHING
WITH SOME COWORKERS WHICH I AM NOW REGRETTING. BECAUSE WE AGREED TO DO IT AT 7
A.M. ON SATURDAY AND I JUST GOT THE REMINDER EMAIL, ME, IAN,
CHRIS ALLBRIGHT, ROB AND GAL AND-- ARE GOING ON A BIKE RIDE,
I GOT A REMINDER, REMEMBER, 7 A.M. BIKE RIDE ON SATURDAY. AND I'M THINKING TO MYSELF, HOW
DO I GET OUT OF THIS SWRZ HERE IS THE THING, I WILL HAPPY LEIGH
GO ON A BIKE RIDE WITH YOU AND IAN, IF SHALL-- GAL IS THERE I
AM NOT. THAT GUY IS A JOKE. HAVE YOU SEEN HOW FAR HE RIDES?
HE WILL COME IN AND BE LIKE OH, WENT ON A BIKE RIDE, YEAH 46
MILES. AND I WILL GO WHAT IS YOUR WAIVE
SAY ARE YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE ALL DAY, NO, NO, I WAS BACK BY 9
A.M. HANG ON, WHERE ARE WE CYCLING. >> EVERYONE-- IS AFRAID OF A LOT
OF UPHILLS, RIGHT, GIVEIT PARK. >> LONG STORY SHORT,
CHRIS,-- AND ROB ARE GOING ON A BIKE RIDE THIS WEEKEND. >> James: THERE IS NO WAY ARE
YOU GOING. >> THAT IS EXACTLY RIGHT. >> James: 7 A.M. >> 7 A.M. >> HOW MANY MILES. >> 30. >> James: OH MY, I WOULD
RATHER EAT MY OWN [BLEEP]. DO YOU GET TO GO FOR FOOD AFTER,
ROB, OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. DO YOU GO FOR FOOD. >> WE WERE THINK BEING GETTING
BREAKFAST AND COFFEE AFTERWARDS, A LITTLE TREAT. >> James: YEAH, A LITTLE
TREAT, COUPLE BITS OF SPINACH AND ONE EGG WHITE. >> DAVE AND I ARE HOPING THE
HOSPITAL HAS COFFEE. >> James: WELL LOOK, THAT'S
TWO TAPED BITS FOR LAST WEEK, ROB. >> WE GOT TWO TAPE BIERKTS THE
BIKE RIDE, JURY DUTY, WE'VE GOT HAGAR'S BEACH. YEAH. THAT'S AMAZING. >> COOKING NOW. >> WOULD RATHER GO BECOME THERE. >> James: YOU HAVE BEEN TO THE
NUDE BEACH. >> YEAH, THE ONE SME IS GOING
TO. >> James: HAVE YOU, HOW IS IT? >> OH, IT'S GREAT. >> James: DID YOU. >> IT WAS ACTUALLY VER
LIBERATING. >> James: DID YOU DO IT? >> YEAH. >> James: OH MY GOD, I MEAN
WELL CONGRATS. I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU AND YOUR
GIANT-- (LAUGHTER). >> James: DAVE, IAN, TH-WACK
WELL, LOOK, THE AUDIENCE AT HOME, THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA,
THEY DON'T CARE WHAT WE ARE DOING THIS WEEKEND. AMERICA WANTS, AMERICA NEEDS
AMERICA NEY DEMANDS THE NEWS. OH! ♪ DAVE, OH, WOW, THAT WAS
ABSOLUTELY EXCEPTIONAL. >> THAT WAS FOR YOU, MAN. >> James: THAT WAS
EXCEPTIONAL. GOOD EVENING. LAST NIGHT, ON A STRICTLY
PARTISAN VOTE, HOUSE DEMOCRATS DEFEATED A REPUBLICAN ATTEMPT TO
OFFICIALLY RELAX MASK RULES IN THE HOUSE. NICE TO SEE CONGRESS
LASER-FOCUSED ON WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT... THEMSELVES. HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI SAID
SHE WON'T CHANGE THE RULES UNTIL EVERYONE IS VAXXED, WAXED, AND
READY TO DISCUSS CAPITAL GAINS TAX. THE VOTE CAME ONE DAY AFTER
HOUSE REPUBLICANS TOOK THEIR MASKS OFF AND STAGED A REBELLION
ON THE FLOOR. I'M GOING TO START SAYING THAT
WHEN MY KIDS THROW A TANTRUM. THEY'RE NOT SCREAMING, THEY'RE
JUST STAGING A REBELLION ON THE FLOOR. EARLIER THIS WEEK PRINCE WILLIAM
GOT HIS FIRST SHOT, HOW IS HE NOW JUST GETTING HIS FIRST DOSE,
PRINCE WILLIAM IS SECOND IN LINE FOR THE CROWN AND APPARENTLY $9
MILLIONth IN LINE FOR THE PHARMACIST, LET'S SEE THAT PHOTO
AGAIN, LOOK AT THAT. TALK ABOUT A ROYAL KOAFT ARMS
I RESPECT ANYONE WHO WEARS A LONG-SLEEVED SWEATER AND INSTEAD
OF TAKING IT OFF, ROLLS IT UP. I FULLY RESPECT THAT, THAT IS
ABSOLUTELY WHAT YOU NEED IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE, YOU KNOWK KING
OF THE REALM, I DO BELIEVE THAT. YOU KNOW WHEN THEY WERE DOING IT
THE NURSE IS LIKE OKAY, RELAX YOUR ARM, OKAY, RELAX YOUR ARM,
OKAY, STOP FLEXING, WE GET T DUDE. IN OTHER NEWS, VOTERS IN FIVE
RURAL OREGON COUNTIES HAVE JUST APPROVED MEASURES TO CONSIDER
BREAKING AWAY FROM OREGON, AND JOINING THE STATE OF IDAHO. IT'S PART OF A LONG-SHOT
GRASSROOTS MOVEMENT TO SECEDE FROM A STATE DOMINATED BY
LIBERAL VOTERS. YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS? AN OREGON TRANSPLANT, THAT IS
EXACTLY WHAT THAT DESERVED THESE COUNTIES ARE TIRED OF
OREGON BEING DOMINATED BY LIBERAL VOTERS. SO IRONICALLY, IT'S A GROUP OF
CONSERVATIVES, WHO WANT TO CHANGE HOW THEY IDENTIFY. I JUST HOPE THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN
BECAUSE IDAHO IS ONE OF THE SHAPES I ABSOLUTELY KNOW FOR
SURE ON A MAP OF THE US. IT'S THIS ONE, RIGHT? >> IT LOOKS LIKE A LEG OF HAM. >> I WILL SAY, IF YOU HAVE A
PROBLEM AND THE ANSWER IS EVER IDAHO, I MEAN GOD BLESS YOU. >> YEAH. >> ABSOLUTELY. >> YEAH. >> I HAVE NO FRAME OF REFERENCE
FOR ANY OF THIS. YOU KNOW, THIS IS LIKE ME
TALKING TO YOU ABOUT AMATEUR WANTING TO JOIN. >> I GET IT. >> YOU WOULD HAVE NOTHING, WOULD
YOU HAVE NOTHING, THAT IS WHAT IT IS LIKE BEING ME. DOING THIS IMAGINE THAT, IMAGINE
YOU SAT BEHIND A DESK AND YOU WERE HAVING TO TALK ABOUT
HOW-- WANTS TO LEAVE BUCKINGHAM SHIR AND JOIN. >> THEY WOULD BE RIGHT PISSED
OFF THERE, WE CAN BASICALLY FOIL THE LAST YEAR OF THIS SHOW DOWN
TO PETE GIVING US AN INCITE INTO THE DE BAWCHERY OF HIS LIFE,
NICK BESHSTEIN HAVING A BREAKDOWN WITH PEOPLE DOING
ACCENTS. AND HERE IS A NEW STORY. >> James: AND, YOU KNOW ABOUT
THOSE LOCKS COUPLES PUT ON BRIDGES AND OTHER TOURIST
ATTRACTIONS WHILE ON VACATION? THEY'RE CALLED LOVE LOCKS. WELL, A WOMAN IN LOS ANGELES HAS
MADE HEADLINES AFTER RECENTLY BREAKING UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND,
AND THEN TRAVELING MORE THAN SIX-THOUSAND MILES TO SEOUL,
SOUTH KOREA -- JUST TO SNIP OFF THEIR LOCK. SPENDING THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON
A FLIGHT TO KOREA IS THE PERFECT WAY TO PROVE YOU'RE OVER HIM. I GUESS SHE AND HER BOYFRIEND
WEREN'T, SEOUL MATES. GET IT? SEW MATE, SOALT MACE. SEOUL MATES. >> SUSAN. >> I GOT IT. I HEAR YOU AND I GOT IT. >> James: CUZ IF YOU SPELL IT
SHALL-- DOESN'T MATTER. AND DID EVERYBODY SEE THIS. THE FROZEN PIZZA BRAND,
DIGIORNO, JUST RELEASED A LINE OF MERCHANDISE THAT INCLUDES
PIZZA THEMED JOGGERS, HOODIES, T-SHIRTS, AND PILLOWS. HERE THEY ARE HERE:
LOOK AT THAT, AS IF A FREEZER FULL OF DIGIORNO
PIZZA DOESN'T ALREADY SCREAM, I'VE COMPLETELY GIVEN UP. BUT THESE PRODUCTS ARE PERFECT,
IF YOU WANT YOUR TINDER DATE TO SUDDENLY GET A FAKE TEXT AND
LEAVE. AN ENTIRE LINE OF
PEPPERONI-COVERED, FROZEN-PIZZA THEMED ITEMS. THE DIGIORNO MERCH EVEN COMES
WITH ITS OWN NEW SLOGAN: IT'S NOT DELIVERY, IT'S
DESPERATION. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HANK
