HAPPY THIRD NIGHT OF
HANUKKAH, EVERYBODY! WHAT'S THE THIRD NIGHT PLAN? >> IT'S THE THIRD NIGHT OF
HANUKKAH, YOU KNOW. HANUKKAH, HANUKKAH, WE'LL LIGHT
THE MENORAH, COME TO OUR PARTY. WE'LL ALL DANCE TO THE --
( LAUGHTER ) AND ANOTHER JEW BENT IN MY EAR
FEEDING ME MORE HANUKKAH INFORMATION. >> James: YOU NEEDED BEN TO
FEED YOU INFORMATION. >> I DIDN'T NEED BEN TO FEED ME
INFORMATION. >> James: YEAH, YOU DID. I'VE GOT PLENTY. >> James: SO WHAT DO WE DO ON
THE THIRD NIGHT? WHAT'S THE VIBE? >> WE OPEN THE FRESH, LOOK AT
THE QUE G GAFELT FISH IN THERE, >> WE OPEN THE FRESH, LOOK AT
THE QUE G GAFELT FISH IN THERE, LITTLE DREIDEL, THROW IN A
EPISODE OF SEINFELD, AND THEN GET READY FOR THE NEXT ONE. I'LL HAVE MORE INFO FOR YOU
TOMORROW. >> James: AND THIS OUR FIRST
SHOW BACK AFTER THE THANKSGIVING BREAK. DID EVERYONE HAVE A GOOD BREAK? YEAH? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT DID YOU GET OFF TO, REG? >> Reggie: I WENT TO MONTANA. >> James: YEAH. >> Reggie: AND STAYED THERE
TILL I CAME BACK. >> James: OKAY. >> Reggie: AND, UH, NOW I'M
BACK. ( LAUGHTER )
>> James: YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S WHEN YOU TELL STORIES LIKE THAT
I CANNOT WAIT FOR YOUR BOOK. ( LAUGHTER )
HOW IS EVERYONE ELSE'S BREAK? DID ANYONE DO ANYTHING FUN? WHO AMONGST THE CREW THINKS THEY
HAD THE MOST FUN? WOW, IT WAS THAT BAD? IT WAS THAT BAD. DAVE, HOW DID THE TURKEY GO
DOWN. >> ABSOLUTELY BUSINESS MALL. ( LAUGHTER )
>> James: HOW? I DON'T KNOW, JAMES. >> James: I TALKED YOU THROUGH
IT, DUDE. >> I KNOW, AND I TRIED. >> James: YOU DIDN'T. I TRIED. I TRIED. I THREW THE WHOLE TURKEY AWAY. >> James: STOP! HALF OF IT WAS, LIKE, RAW AND
THE OTHER HALF OF IT WAS LIKE A LEATHER SHOE, NO PART OF IT WAS
EDIBLE. >> James: HOW? I DON'T KNOW! I DON'T KNOW. IT WAS SUCH A BUMMER, TRULY. >> IMPORTANT TO NOTE HE WAS
FOLLOWING YOUR TURKEY RECIPE. >> NO, I'M TAKING THE BLAME FOR
THIS, I'M NOT BLAMING JAMES. >> James: YEAH. I CLEARLY MESSED SOMETHING
UP. >> James: HOLD ON --
( LAUGHTER ) >> JUST FOR THE VIEWERS AT HOME. >> James: WHO DO YOU COME AS? MY TURKEY RECIPE HOLDS UP. IT'S EXCEPTIONAL. DO YOU KNOW WHY? IT'S NOT MY RECIPE. IT'S A MIX OF A FEW DIFFERENT. SAY SOMETHING NICE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) WHAT'S THAT FACE FOR? WHAT DUD YOU GIVE ME THOSE EYES
FOR? I SUDDENLY FELT LIKE D DOZER CAP
HOW'S THAT ALL GOING? ANY NEWS FOR US ON THAT? >> Reggie: UH, WELL... NO, YEAH, WE'RE GOING TO --
>> James: I'M GOING TO LET IT GO. >> Reggie: WE'RE GOING TO SEE
A MOVIE. ( FOG HORN )
>> Reggie: THAT'S IT. >> James: IT'S THAT TIME. IT'S TIME FOR -- THE NEWS. ♪♪
♪♪ OF COURSE, SCIENTISTS ARE STILL
SCRAMBLING TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE NEW OMICRON CORONAVIRUS
VARIANT. BUT THE SCIENTIST WHO HELPED
IDENTIFY THE MUTATION RECENTLY SAID THAT OMICRON IS, "MORE OF A
FRANKENSTEIN THAN OTHERS." WHAT THEY'RE SAYING IS THE FUN
DRINK DISPENSERS FAST-FOOD PLACES NOW
HAVE WHERE YOU CAN COMBINE OVER A HUNDRED SODA FLAVORS TOGETHER? OMICRON IS KIND OF LIKE THAT,
BUT FOR A PLAGUE. ( LAUGHTER )
A FRANKENSTEIN. A FRANKENSTEIN. YOU KNOW, I THINK IT'S MORE OF A
DRACULA, BECAUSE IT SUCKS. ( APPLAUSE )
I DON'T LIKE THIS NAME, OMICRON. I DON'T LIKE IT. WHY ARE WE GIVING THESE VARIANTS
SUCH EVIL NAMES? OMICRON, SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING
TOM CRUISE WOULD HAVE TO SPRINT AWAY FROM OR RUN TOWARDS IN
ORDER TO SAVE THE WORLD. >> YEAH. >> James: WHO'S COMING UP --
CAN'T WE CALL IT LIKE THE SNUGGLE? OH, I'VE GOT THE SNUGGLE
VARIANT. ALL RIGHT, OKAY, WE CAN GET
THROUGH THAT. YOU VACCINATED? YEAH, YOU SHOULD BE OKAY. THANK GOD, YOU KNOW. OH, I'VE GOT THE SCHMOOPSIE
VACCINE PASSPORT. ( LAUGHTER )
AND DID EVERYBODY HEAR ABOUT THIS? NORTH KOREAN DICTATOR KIM
JONG-UN HAS REPORTEDLY BANNED CITIZENS FROM WEARING LEATHER
COATS, BECAUSE THEY ARE COPYING HIS SIGNATURE LOOK. HERE HE IS HERE
LOOK AT HIM. HE LOOKS LIKE TWO KIDS TRYING TO
SNEAK INTO AN R-RATED MOVIE. BUT DO YOU SEE ALL THOSE GUYS
RIGHT BEHIND HIM? FASHION POLICE. KIM JONG-UN HAS BANNED LEATHER
COATS. IT'S THE SECOND MOST EGREGIOUS
BAN PLACED ON HIS CITIZENS RIGHT AFTER, YOU KNOW, BEING ABLE TO
LEAVE. IAN, HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR
SIGNATURE LOOK? IF SOMEBODY WOULD SAY, THIS IS
MY SIGNATURE LOOK, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IT IS? >> LIKE PLUMBER AT HIS
DAUGHTER'S WEDDING. ( LAUGHTER )
>> James: YEAH. YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! LOU, WHAT WOULD YOU DESCRIBE
YOUR SIGNATURE LOOK? >> YACHT CASUAL. >> James: YEAH, YACHT CASUAL. YEAH. >> James: EVEN THE WAY YOU'RE
SITTING. >> YEAH. >> James: IT'S A YACHT CASUAL
LOOK. DO YOU WANT US TO GET YOU, LIKE,
A LAZY BOY SEAT OR SOMETHING? >> YEAH. THAT WOULD BE GREAT. >> James: THAT WOULD BEEN A
BAD IDEA, YOU KNOW. >> I'D LOVE THAT. >> James: STAFF MEMBER OF THE
WEEK GETS A LAZY BOY FOR THE NEXT WEEK. THEY GET TO WATCH THE SHOW FROM
A LA-Z-BOY. I LIKE THAT. WE SHOULD DO THAT. A LITTLE LA-Z-BOY, A COUPLE OF
DRINKS, YOU COULD HAVE HEADPHONES, AN iPad, WATCH
SOMETHING ELSE. ( LAUGHTER )
DON'T HAVE TO SIT THROUGH IT LIKE WE ALL DO. ( LAUGHTER )
( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT, THAT WAS TOO BIG A
LAUGH. YOU HAVE BEEN STOOD THERE FOR
SEVEN MONTHS AND I'VE NEVER HEARD YOU LAUGH. ( LAUGHTER )
I'VE NEVER HEARD YOU LAUGH! AND THE ONLY TIME YOU'VE
GUFFAWED, AND YOU DID, WAS WHEN I SAID THE WORDS "THEY DON'T
HAVE TO SIT THROUGH IT LIKE WE ALL DO." ( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) ARE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE DOING
THIS? >> THIS GUY'S GOT TO GET BACK TO
FILMING NICK. >> James: HOW CLOSE CAN YOU
GET TO NICK? ( LAUGHTER )
GET RIGHT IN THERE. LOOK AT THIS. COME ON. HANG ON. REG, REG, NO, RATE THIS LIKE
IT'S A WILDLIFE DOCUMENTARY, OKAY, AND, NICK HAS JUST WOKEN
AND HE HAS TO HUNT. OKAY, LET'S GO. GO FOR IT. SCOTT. >> ... AN, NICK BERNSTEIN, THE MAN WHO
SITS MOST OF HIS LIFE CONTEMPLATING SO MANY THINGS,
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO UNDERSTAND, AND, YET, SO MANY THINGS THAT
ARE SO MANY AND VARIED IN HIS MIND ARE OFTENTIMES TWISTED
ABOUT IN WAYS THAT RICOCHET BETWEEN CONSCIOUSNESS AND
INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIORS. BUT TODAY IS A NEW DAY. THIS IS THE DAY OF BERNSTEIN. IS IT BERN-STAIN OR BERNSTEIN? NO ONE KNOWS BUT THE MANDELA
EFFECT IS ALIVE AND WELL INSIDE THE MIND OF THE CREATURE KNOWN
AS NICK BERNSTEIN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> James: YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD LOVE TO SEE MORE THAN
ANYTHING ELSE? KIM JONG UN WITH NICK
BERNSTEIN'S HAIR. >> OOOH, YEAH. >> James: CAN WE DO THAT? >> Reggie: I DON'T THINK THEY
CAN DO THAT. >> James: LOOK AT THAT! ( APPLAUSE )
WHAT A GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT? WHAT A GRAPHICS -- I TELL YOU
WHAT, KIM JONG UN IS A DIFFERENT GUY THERE, ISN'T HE? HE'S A DIFFERENT GUY, ISN'T HE? HE'S A DIFFERENT DUDE. >> HE'S ON THE DOOBIE BROTHERS
WITH NICK'S HAIR. ( LAUGHTER )
>> James: CAN WE SEE THAT AGAIN, KIM JONG UN WITH NICK
BERNSTEIN'S HAIR. HE ACTS LIKE HE SMELLS A
CIGARETTE AND THINKS, IT'S A GOOD TIME. >> HE LOOKS LIKE NORTH KOREAN
STEVE BANNON. ( LAUGHTER )
>> OH, YEAH! ( LAUGHTER )
>> James: OH! IN OTHER POLITICAL NEWS,
CELEBRITY SURGEON DR. OZ OFFICIALLY
ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT HE'S RUNNING FOR A U.S. SENATE SEAT
FROM PENNSYLVANIA. HE'LL BE RUNNING AS A
REPUBLICAN. STILL NO WORD ON WHETHER HE'LL
BE CALLED SENATOR DOCTOR OZ, OR DOCTOR SENATOR OZ. IT'S KIND OF STRANGE WHEN YOUR
BACKUP PLAN AFTER LOSING THE "JEOPARDY!" HOSTING GIG IS TO
BECOME A U.S. SENATOR. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT I THINK DOCTOR OZ IS DEFINITELY GOING TO WIN, HIS
WHOLE CAMPAIGN STRATEGY IS THAT IF YOU VOTE FOR HIM YOU'LL LOSE
THIRTY POUNDS IN HIS FIRST THIRTY DAYS IN OFFICE OR YOUR
MONEY BACK. THIRTY DAYS IN OFFICE OR YOUR
MONEY BACK. >> JAMES: MOVING ON, THE FITNESS
A LAWSUIT AGAINST PELOTON FOR ALLEGEDLY COPYING THEIR DESIGNS
FOR WORKOUT LEGGINGS AND BRAS. IT'S THE FIRST TRIAL THAT WILL
FEATURE A DAILY RECESS FOR A WHITE WINE BREAK. LULULEMON'S AND PELETON'S
CLOTHING DESIGNS ARE SHOCKINGLY SIMILAR. BOTH BRANDS FEATURE LEGGINGS
WITH ONE GIANT OPENING TO PUT YOUR LEGS INTO, BUT THEN TWO
SMALLER OPENINGS AT THE BOTTOM TO PUSH YOUR FEET THROUGH. -- BECAUSE THEY SAID THEY GIVE,
THEY LIKE GIVE IN THEM. THAT YOU SORT OF SLIDE YOUR FEET
THROUGH. THERE'S NO WAY THAT'S A
COINCIDENCE. NOT A CHANCE. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT LULULEMON AND PELOTON REALLY SHOULDN'T BE FIGHTING. THERE'S ENOUGH TOXIC, DIET
CULTURE FOR BOTH COMPANIES TO PROFIT FROM. ( APPLAUSE )
AND DID EVERYBODY HEAR ABOUT THIS? A LIST OF THE MOST POPULAR PET
NAMES OF 2021 WAS JUST RELEASED, AND ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR
NAMES FOR A PET? FAUCI. IT SEEMS LIKE A WEIRD CHOICE,
UNLESS OF COURSE, YOUR DOG HAS A RASPY BROOKLYN ACCENT. THIS IS TRUE, DOGS NAMED ZOOM
ALSO INCREASED OVER 400%. THAT MEANS THERE'S SOMEONE OUT
THERE WITH A FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD DOG NAMED NAPSTER. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT FAUCI AND ZOOM AREN'T THE ONLY PET NAMES THAT INCREASED IN
POPULARITY. COVID ALSO WENT UP 35%. WHY WOULD YOU NAME YOUR DOG
COVID? WHO WOULD DO THAT? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE TEXTING
YOUR FRIENDS LIKE HEY, LOOKING FORWARD TO THE PARTY IS IT OKAY
IF I BRING COVID? ( LAUGHTER )
AND FINALLY, HERE'S AN INTERESTING NEW STUDY. ACCORDING TO RESEARCHERS, BABIES
DEVELOP A SENSE OF HUMOR AFTER JUST ONE MONTH. ONE MONTH WAS THE EARLIEST AGE
THAT INFANTS APPRECIATED HUMOR. ALL RIGHT, SO THIS NEXT BIT GOES
OUT3 TO ALL THE ONE-MONTH-OLDS WHO
MIGHT BE WATCHING TONIGHT (PEEK-A-BOO)
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
DO YOU THINK THIS IS TRUE? CAN INFANTS REALLY APPRECIATE
HUMOR? ARE BABIES LIKE, "I FIND
SLAPSTICK HUMOR VERY PEDANTIC, BUT WHEN THAT DOG CHASED ITS
TAIL, I HAD A DEEP APPRECIATION FOR PHYSICAL COMEDY." ( LAUGHTER )
BABIES DEVELOP A SENSE OF HUMOR AFTER ONE MONTH. WHICH EXPLAINS CBS' NEWEST PRIME
TIME COMEDY, "NEONATAL SHELDON." AND THAT'S THE NEWS. ( APPLAUSE )
LAST WEEK WE HEARD THE SAD NEWS THAT STEPHEN SONDHEIM HAD PASSED
AWAY AT THE AGE OF 91. STEPHEN WAS A TRUE GENIUS. I WAS PRIVILEGED ENOUGH TO WORK
WITH HIM ON THE MOVIE VERSION OF HIS MUSICAL, "INTO THE WOODS." IT WAS A THRILL FOR ME. AND I TREASURED EVERY MOMENT I
WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE IN HIS ORBIT. HIS WORK MEANS SO MUCH TO ME,
AND TO SO MANY, AND WILL LIVE ON FOR DECADES. IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH ANY
OF HIS SHOWS OR SONGS, I URGE YOU TO TAKE A LOOK, AND YOU WILL
FIND UNBELIEVABLE POCKETS OF WISDOM RUNNING THROUGHOUT HIS
WORK, YOU WILL ALSO READ THE MOST REMARKABLE RHYMING COUPLETS
YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WERE POSSIBLE. JUST THIS MORNING, MY DAD SENT
ME A TEXT WITH A LYRIC THAT WAS FOUND ON STEPHEN'S PIANO AFTER
HE PASSED AWAY. IT SAID: IF IT ISN'T THE SUN
IT'S THE BIRDSONG. IF IT ISN'T THE AIR, IT'S THE
VIEW. I'M COMPLETELY UNDONE BY THE
ENDLESS ABUNDANCE OF LIFE, AREN'T YOU? THANKS FOR EVERYTHING STEPHEN,
WE'LL MISS YOU VERY, VERY MUCH. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
