- A knock on the door.
I open it. It's the cops. And I'm like,
oh, no, thank you. No! [dark electronic music] ♪ [people screaming] ♪ - Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen. I hope you're all having
a wonderful day. This is what's known as
a robbery. Do not move.
Do not speak. ♪ [laughs] ♪ [cheers and applause] - One of my favorite
comics to watch. You guys will
absolutely love her. Give it up for Ms. Liza
Treyger, you guys. Let her hear it. [cheers and applause] - My story is about
a time in my life where I was just a dumb bitch who couldn't stop getting
arrested. [laughter] I just wanted to be in jail all
the time. So the story starts at Iowa State University, where I went to follow my one true passion in life,
advertising. So I show up as a fresh-faced
teen just being like, I'm gonna make commercials. I hated everybody. I did not fit in at all. They made me live in
an agriculture dorm, so it was just, like,
all these girls who had pictures
of their farm animals that were their friends,
that they, like, won contests with and then ate
later in the evening, um, at a restaurant
called the Machine Shed. So, uh, I didn't
get along with them. And then... I just didn't connect
with anybody. Like, on my 18th birthday
in college, I had no friends, so I just went and got
my nipples pierced, 'cause I thought, like,
this is a way to, like, commemorate the time,
but, like, that-- that is how lonely I was,
that I just went alone, and was just like,
yeah, pierce 'em, dude. And then I tried
to fuck that guy. It didn't work out.
He liked Jesus. Um...but I tried. He, like, looked kind of tough. And, so, I was lonely.
I didn't have friends. Like, my number-one hobby
became racquetball. And...[laughs], like,
I don't want to do that. Um, I'm like
a 50-year-old Asian. And, um... I was the treasurer
of the Jew club-- like, nothing was really
happening. Like, I couldn't find a friend. I couldn't find a passion. And so I just, like, started
drinking a lot. And obviously, that's what
everyone does in college, but--yeah, I just got
blacked-out constantly, all the time,
and then this one night, my friend, uh, she was having
some friends over. I remember hooking up with
someone in her bed, and then I had
a bump on my head, but I don't remember how,
and then I just took a nap on the couch. And my friends all knew that I
loved drinking and driving, so they hid my car keys,
so I went--I know. People are, like, really
anti-drinking and driving, but this was, like, ten years
ago, so... [laughter] You all got silent. Who has DUIs here?
How many of you? - Yee.
- Whoo. - Yeah, okay. Um... [laughter] Hey, guys. Um... But yeah, it was just, like,
a fun thing to do, so, like, I rummaged around,
I found the keys, and I went drinking and driving. And--
but, I was driving to my house, and then I was like, I could--I was just
right by my house, and then I was like,
I want Burger King. So I kept driving. And two blocks from my house, I get pulled over,
and I just act like the dumb white bitch I am, and
I'm just like, I know my rights.
I have a lawyer. Like, calling my dad and being
like, I'm not drunk, but, like--yeah, it's a problem. So they take me to jail. They put me in the drunk tank,
which I'm kind of into, 'cause I love the aquarium, and
I felt like I was in one, so I was, like, okay with it. And I did feel
really bad about myself. Drunk driving sucks.
You can kill-- like, it was really an
embarrassing, sad time in my life, and I was
like, things need to change. I need to become
a better person. So I went to A.A., and then I
was like, oh, I'm better than everyone here, so... [laughter] So I never went back to A.A. But, you know,
I was, like, "Depressed." And, you know, just, like,
really introspective. I probably read
some books or two. And I was really
trying hard to be sober and not be, like, a wild gal, and my friend Shannon
at the time, she had a lot of problems too. She was trying to be sober--
now we all know it's because she is a lesbian, and she was, like,
hiding her true self. You know what I mean?
So, like-- but we all should have known. She had this ponytail
that was, like, gelled really tight, like,
right in the middle of the head. You know? Like, no casual girl
loves soccer that much. So, we should have known, but, so she was having
weird problems, like, figuring herself out. I, obviously, was not
in the right place in life, but wasn't mature enough
to be like, I need to get out of here. And she called me one day-- this was three weeks after the
first arrest-- and she went, "Hey, do you want
to have a sober night out, and we'll go
to the gymnastics meet?" We had an amazing
gymnastics team, and I was like, "Absolutely." So we--I went to her dorm room, and before we went to the
gymnastics meet, she went, "I mean, we should
have one drink." I was like, yes, yes. So, the next thing I know, the
bottle of Parrot Bay is gone, and I'm not sure what kind
of liquor it is, but it's clear, and there's
a fun bird on it. We drank it, and-- and then I just remember us
just wanting more, and so, like, we're walking through the girls'
side of the dorm, just, like, getting as much
booze as we can. And then I remember my crush
on this Woodsy boy. Like, he lived
in the dorm as well. So I was like,
we got to visit Woodsy. And so, we, um-- so, we go to his dorm,
and this is the thing: like, I was pretty drunk,
so I don't remember the exact details,
but I just remember everyone's face
of disappointment. Like, nobody wanted us there. And we were just like,
you know, just classic drunk girls. A lot of leaning
and complimenting. And then... Next thing I know, Shannon is bleeding. Full-on, all the way,
all--both her wrists. Just blood everywhere. And because I knew she was
depressed, I'm like, clearly, she's trying
to kill herself. So I start running up and down
the dorms just like, Shannon's trying
to kill herself. Call 911. She's committing suicide. Call the police. But she wasn't trying
to kill herself. She was just having a good time
punching through the fire extinguisher glass, so,
like, my bad. Um... Just a goof, you know. [laughter] So we get back to the dorms,
we clean her off, she's laying, life goes on. A knock on the door, I open it,
it's the cops, and I'm like,
oh, no, thank you. [laughter] No. So I just closed the door in
their face, but it's, like, flimsy dorm doors, so they're
able to come in easily, and I just start shoving
these--I'm just like, no, thank you, you know? Just like, nope, no, just
as--all my might. You're like, "Yeah, thank
goodness you're white. You know, who would not
be here today." And I feel the same way. And so I'm just
shoving these guys. I'm elbowing them.
They finally, like, get me into the hallway and go
into the dorm to help Shannon. And I just start screaming. Kick 'em.
Kick 'em. Kick 'em. So she's kicking these cops. [laughter] And I'm screaming in the
hallway, and I'm sure the cops were like,
we're trying to help a girl trying to kill herself,
you know? Like, what is happ--like,
I'm sure they're like, "Oh, we're doing the Lord's
work" or whatever. Someone's trying to
kill themselves, and these bitches are just yelling,
kicking, and shoving them. So the cops are actually very,
very nice to me, and they're like, "Hey, we know
you're having a wild night. "It's fine.
Just call a friend "if you have any sober friends
to pick you up. You don't have to go to jail." But it's the middle of Iowa
on a weekend. No one's fucking sober, okay? Like, what are you talk--there's
horses on the campus. We're bored, okay?
There' nothing to do. So none of my friends were
sober, so I had to go to jail. And as soon as I figure
that out, I just-- instead of being like,
oh, please, please, please, I went, if you were smart,
you'd be a detective. Um... You should've gone to college,
you hillbilly trash. You just couldn't, like, graduate from high school,
you losers. So they handcuff me
pretty tight, and then to really, like,
stick it to them, I went limp, and, um, they had to drag me
into the police car. And they took Shannon
off to the hospital. And I got--
I'm in jail again, and then I wake up
in the middle of the night. Shannon is in jail. So... Shannon, why are you in jail? Um, she was throwing bedpans
at people at the hospital. So, now we're both in jail. My sister, you know, back home
in Skokie, finds out about this--
you know, I call her. Her and her husband drive ten
hours in a blizzard to Iowa to bail me out of jail, and
they're like, "You clearly don't know how to
live on your own, so you're dropping--we're taking
you home." And then they got me a Big Mac,
so full circle. I finally got my cheeseburger
at the end, you know? Um... But, uh, so we go back home, and then I followed my next true passion in life: data entry. And... [sighs]
It was so depressing. Um, so I was working
in data entry, and I got a really bad haircut
with layers, with blonde hair,
and they over-texturized it, so that's upsetting. And then I was living at my
parents' house and just so sad, so I just,
like, I didn't learn my ways. I just kept drinking so much, and I just kept being
a menace to society. And then it was the White Sox's
home opener. And this is the year after
they won the World Series, so this was an exciting day. And when they went
to the World Series, I got acrylic black nails that said
"White Sox" in white letters
with diamonds on 'em, so, like, you can imagine. And so--so we are pumped. It's my friend's 21st birthday. We are going
to the White Sox game. This is a whole new life--we're
back in Chicago, you know? And I got arrested third inning. I know you're all... You're all wondering, "Oh, my
God. What did you do to get
arrested?" I don't know. No idea--
all I remember is the same faces
of disappointment as the party and the dorm room,
and just like, everywhere. And so as I came to from my
blackout, they let me out on my own recognizance-- which...[sighs], no--
I was so drunk. And all I could remember was my
friend's address, and she lived at 420 [bleep]. I got in the cab, and I went,
take me to 420 [bleep], sir. And so we went to 420 [bleep],
and--oh, I'm sorry. This is so embarrassing.
I didn't pay him, okay? I just ran away,
and so... I--I was, like, grappling
whether to be honest or not, but we're here, so I didn't--
I ran away, and-- and I get to my friend's house, and they whole time I'm
thinking, like, oh, I'm gonna get so much
sympathy. Oh, I'm so sad.
I keep getting arrested. Poor me.
I'm a--mrr--menace, you know? And she's midway through an
abortion pill, so-- yeah, gasps, um, but... Some of you don't know--you can
have at-home abortions. So, she's midway through
an abortion, and, um, so then I had to give her
attention. What a cunt. Um... Ugh. So annoying. But, you know, and I haven't
been to jail since, so it's been 11 years. Thank you. Yeah, and I guess the lesson of
this truly is, no matter how bad life gets,
just know that someone's at home in the middle of an abortion, so
it could be worse. All right, thanks so much,
you guys. ♪
