- I'm like, "Hell, no, my
sister's wearing Garanimals and fucking Wonder
Woman drawers," And this bitch got on a big bra
with the buckles on the back. So when I saw her--I just--I
just hit the bitch. I was like, "Pow!" I just
started beating her ass. <i> [dark electronic music]</i> - Welcome to "This Is Not
Happening" I'm your host Roy Wood Jr. We all have that special woman
in our life, the one we like to put up on a
pedastal. - Finger sandwiches, boys? - Oh, thank you, Mom. - Go on, little Roy.
Make it rain. - Aww, skeet skeet!
- There you go. <i> ♪ ♪</i> - Now, make sure you separate
the ones from the fives. - I know, Ma. I know. - Such a gentleman. - Now I got to pick up the
money. "Separate the bills." She the one who told me to
make it rain. <i> - That's my boy.</i> [cheers and applause] - You know her from her
one-woman show, "Sophisticated Ignorance,"
She is B-Phlat! [cheers and applause] - I was a senior. I'll never
forget it. Senior year, last week of
school. I didn't even have school. I'm just running around visiting the other
motherfuckers at they school. So I'm at Webster High School
with my best friend. I'm up there with Vonnie. I'm
like, "Girl, "I'm coming up to your school. I'm getting myself prepared for
college." 'Cause I'm letting y'all know
right now, at that point, I was going to
art school. I knew it in my mind.
I had applied. I was just waiting to get me a
scholarship. Had my little 16 pieces
together for my portfolio review. I'm ready for my shit. So I was like, "I'm done. I did
my thing. I'm visiting, motherfuckers.
I don't need no more grades." So I'm thinking I'm cute.
You know how it is back in the '80s, everybody walk
around with they pinky on they
mouth. I'm walking around, next thing
I know, I'm at another school.
All I hear is, "Diane! Diane." I said, "Now, wait a minute. That do not--ooh, that's my
Mama." And I look, and her ass is
sweeping up the hallway up in Webster school, right? I ain't even know her ass was a
janitor. I ain't know she had these
skills. I ain't seen her in five years. So now I'm like, "Oh, no, she
not fucking talking to me in front of my friends sweeping
up the school." So I'm just walking. She's
talking about, "I know you hear me calling
you." And "It's your Mama!" I was like, "Oh, Lord." Now, you know how kids are.
You embarrassed. I'm like, "Hey, Mama, how you
doing? I ain't even know you was
back." "Oh, I love you. I miss you.
How you been? What you doing?" And I'm standing there like,
"Okay, hurry up with this." And she's telling--I'm telling
her I'm about to go to college. She don't know none of this
shit. She ain't seen me in five
years. I'm telling her I'm about to go
to college, got my little portfolio
together; she talking about, "Oh, I wanna
see it." You should bring it up to me.
Bring it to where I live." I don't know where the fuck you
live. Give me the address, I'ma bring
it, and leave me alone. 'Cause, you know, I'm walking
like this. "Get away from me and my friends." So I go home, I tell my father,
and he upset. 'Cause we didn't even know her
ass was back in Missouri. And I was like, "I'ma go on and
take it to her, "so she can see that I'm, you
know, trying to do something
positive." So he was like, "Well, let me see the address." So I let him see the address,
and it was in this new little project area they had just built in St.
Louis. They had tore down these one
projects and built these new townhouses. So my father saw the address.
He was a little reluctant. He let me drive his car. So I was like, "Let me go on
and take it down here." I call my cousin Linda.
That's my ride or die. We ride down here.
I was like, "Let me go on and take this
down here "so my mama can see it and leave me the fuck alone." So we get out. I knock on the
door. Some big burly-ass woman come
to the door. This bitch lookin' crazy. She like, "Can I help you?"
I was like, "Yeah. "I'm here to see Dale, my
mother. Told me to bring..." She like, "Oh, yeah, come on
in." So I walk in, it's like, nine grown bitches just
standing around drinking, smoking, listening to
Marvin Gaye and shit. And me and my cousin we trying to scooch through
these motherfuckers. You feeling like--germs--I was
like, "What the fuck?" So my mother comes sashaying
down the motherfucking steps 'cause she all proud now.
I'm her daughter. I done showed up with my
portfolio. She all coming down
the steps. Want me to lay it out and show
everybody. She just bragging. "Oh, my baby
did this "and she drew that, and that's
a self portrait, and my baby did--" And I'm
thinking to myself, "Bitch, you ain't help me do nothin'." Can I hurry up with this
bullshit? I gotta get my Daddy's car
back. So, you know, she's like,
"Well, I'ma take it. I'ma keep it." I was like, "Mama, you cannot keep my
portfolio down here." "Well, you can come pick it up
from my school. I wanna show so and so and so
and so." So me, trying not to argue with
her ass, I leave my portfolio with her,
'cause I gotta get the fuck up out this area. Lo and behold, next day, I get a phone call from my little sister. She's 11 at the time.
I'm, like, 17. She's on the phone crying,
talking about, "Come down here and get me because May Cat daughter
Chrissy jumped on me." I'm like, "Who the fuck is
Chrissy?" So I get down there. Me and Linda, 'cause you know I'm calling my motherfuckin'
cousin. We get down there. This big-ass 14-year-old bitch,
she got titties like she 24. Fighting my motherfuckin'
11-year-old sister-- this bitch--
[laughs] I'm like, "Aw, hell no." My sister's still wearing
Garanimals and fuckin' Wonder
Woman drawers. And this bitch got on a big bra
with the buckles on the back so when I saw her, I just--I just hit the bitch.
I was like, "Pow!" I just started beating her ass. Like, Bitch, you're too big to
be jumping on my little-ass
sister. I was whuppin' her ass.
I was like, "Fuck that." I told my sister, "Get your
shit. Get in the car, and let's
go." So I took her back to my Daddy
house. I called her Daddy. He came and got her. "Uh, I don't know what the fuck
you think you doing, "coming down here, jumping on
motherfuckers with your grown
ass self." I said, "Mama, that girl jumped
on your daughter, and she too big to be trying to
fight--" "I don't know, but I know one
motherfuckin' thing. "You better come down here and
get your motherfuckin' portfolio, bitch." You know back in the day when
you can't believe some shit. You look at the phone--the
old-school phone like, "I know this bitch did not just
say..." I'm-- Y'all know I'm telling the
truth. I said, "Fuck that." I'm looking at the phone like, "My mama did not just call me a
bitch." She called me a grown-ass
bitch. "You comin' down--" I say, "Okay, I got it." Boom. You know who I'm calling. My motherfuckin' cousin Linda. Live up the street. I said, "Cuz, we ridin' down
here to get my portfolio. Let's go." 'Cause I know my
mama. Ten minutes later, I'm down
here in front of May Cat house. It's all, the lights out. It's serene. It's quiet and shit. I'm lookin' nervous, 'cause no
shit be quiet in the projects. I don't give a fuck how new
they are. And I'm like, "Why they ain't
go no lights on?" So I'm knockin' on the door. Ain't nobody open the door. So me and Linda standing there.
We bangin'. Nobody opens the door. Next thing I hear the
motherfuckin' window raise up on the second floor. My mama gonna lean out. "Uh, you ain't welcome down
this motherfucker." "'Cause you too grown to do the
shit you did. "You fuckin' up my situation.
You got somewhere to stay. "I ain't got no motherfuckin'
where to stay. "And you comin' down here
causing trouble. So take your motherfuckin'
portfolio." And she just starting tossing
my shit out the window, one by one. One picture, one--my shit just
floating down like a kite with no wind, just
hitting the ground. And I'm in fucking amazement,
like, "No, this bitch is not throwing
my portfolio pictures-- "my paintings, every motherfuckin' thing out
the window." And then she tossed the whole
fuckin' leather case out there. So that hit the ground, and I'm
trying to pick my shit up. Next thing you know, May Cat
runs out. This bitch talking about...
[stomping] "And this for jumpin' on my
motherfuckin' daughter." And the bitch just starts
stepping all over my self portrait.
It's all fucked up. Now I'm crying. And I'm mad. We had two quarters. Me and my
cousin, Linda, we went to the motherfuckin'
payphone up the street. We called all nine of her
sisters with one quarter. [laughter] Pumpkin, Jean--everybody knows
somebody named Pumpkin-- Jean, Lynn, Azzie, Rhonda,
Tisha, cousin Lynn. We used the other quarter to
call some other motherfuckin'
cousins, waited at the
payphone. Jean rolled up. Two cars of motherfuckers.
We rolled right up in front of that shit. My cousin Jean got out the car
first. She went up there.
Boom, boom, boom. I don't even know who answered
the door, 'cause whoever the fuck they called
first, Jean snatched the motherfuckin' wig.
[whooshes] Everybody just...
[stomps] We all--we comin' out of
nowhere. Now people running out the
house. We fighting like a
motherfucker. I was like, "Fuck this." And my mama, she don't even
wanna come out. 'Cause she embarrassed, but then her friends started
getting fucked up. So she had to come out and
help. So we started fucking her up, 'cause you out here helping
your friends that fucked me up and I'm your daughter. So now we just...
[stomping] We rumblin' like a m-- I don't even know how long this
shit went on. It might have been on 10, 15
minutes. Somebody called the police. Somebody called the
police. Paddy wagon come, two of 'em.
They takin' this half. They take me. My cousins, all of us--we down
at the motherfuckin' police station just all in a
big rumble. They wanna know what's going
on. I ain't even have to say shit. I let them see my motherfuckin'
portfolio. And then they can understand
what had to go down. So they let everybody go. They couldn't let me go, 'cause
I'm a minor, and they wanna release me to a
parent. And my dumbass mama talking
about, "Oh, I'm right here. You can release her to me." And they're looking at her
like, "Bitch, please." Ain't nobody--bitch, you the
reason why she here. Ain't nobody gonna release her
to you. I was like--so I had to wait on
my daddy, and I'm like, "Oh, shit. I
don't even know how I'm gonna explain this to my father." So my father comes and get me. I'm all crying. I'm mad. I
don't even know what to do. 'Cause all I can think in the
back of my mind is, "I'm not gonna get into
college." 'Cause my portfolio is fucked
up. I got a review in a week. I don't even know what I'ma
tell these people. I'm just like, "Fuck it." Maybe I'm just gonna be working
at UPS. I ain't gonna get no fuckin'-- So when my Dad picked me up, I thought he was gonna be mad
and angry. He didn't even say shit. And when a person don't say
nothing, you don't know what's on they
mind and what they thinking. You really start to be nervous. 'Cause all I could hear him
saying, "Look, I told you "not to take your ass down
there, and you know your
fuckin' mama throw it off." All that, I didn't wanna hear
that. He didn't say shit. Soon as we got in the house, he
said, "Let me see your
portfolio." And he laid it out on the
kitchen table. He was like, "You know what, "I'm gonna help you get your
shit together. We gonna work it out." My Daddy helped me tape up my
pictures. We was fixing shit, touching
shit up. He was like, "You gonna get
that damn scholarship, 'cause I ain't got it." [laughter]
"So your ass is gonna get it!" And I'm thinking to myself, "I am not going to this
portfolio review with my shit looking like
this." But he made me go.
My father made me go. He took me, and I was like,
"Aw, God. I'm nervous." I get out. I'm sitting in the
hallway. I got my portfolio. They called
me into the room. Full of white people in there. I'm standing there like, "Oh,
Lord." They gonna be looking at me
like, "Oh, this nigga shit." When they see my portfolio all
fucked up, this is more than the dog at
the homework. I can't even say no shit like
that. So I'm--they had the little
easel, you know, for you to bring your
shit out. Oh, I opened up my shit, I pulled out my self portrait. Now, this the one with the
big-ass footprint on it. Right on my--right on the
forehead. So I just set it up on the
thing. I w--they didn't even give me
an opportunity to explain. They said, "Can you just step
out in the hallway for a second?" And now I'm like, "Aw, what the
fuck?" So I'm sitting in the hallway
talking to my dad. You know, how you're nervous, you're not sure what's going
on. I'm just sitting there like,
"What the fuck?" They taking forever.
They're not asking me shit. I'm just in the hallway. The lady comes out about 20
minutes later, gives me my portfolio back, and she said, "We'll be in
touch with you." So now I'm riding home like,
"What the fuck do that mean?" They ain't ask me no questions. They probably looked at my shit
like, "We ain't got time for
this nigga shit." They made me sit out here for
no reason. So now I'm really angry.
I'm thinking of all kind of ways I can get
back at my mama. I was like, "I'ma call up her
job," Fuck that--"I'm getting that
bitch fired. "I'm--I'ma tell them she got
three IDs. "She ain't got no GED. "She a alcoholic. And she been bringing home
toilet paper from the school." [laughs] I was thinking of all kind of
shit... to get her ass fired. So... [laughing] About a month later, I got a letter in the mail from
Fontbonne College. And it said I got a partial
scholarship. I ain't even see the word
"partial." All I saw was "scholarship" on
the motherfucker. I don't know what it was. But I was so fuckin' happy. I was like, "Oh, shit!" I got in! Now, I failed to mention that I
have always been a scrapbooker. I love to scrapbook
about--since fourth grade. So I copy every fuckin' thing. Even today, I was like, "Oh,
get me a copy of these papers." I need a copy of everything. So I had copied everything. I keep everything.
When I got that letter, I wrote on that letter,
"I got in, bitch!" [laughter] And I took it straight to the
post office, and I mailed the motherfucker
to May Cat house. I was like, "Oh, she gonna get
this motherfucker. "I'm letting her know despite
all the bullshit "y'all did to
me, I still got in." I mailed the motherfucking
letter. It came back a week later. I was like, "Aw, this bitch
done moved again." So she moved again. Never got the letter. She
didn't even fuckin' know. So here it is four years later. I'm graduating from college. I get a call a week before my
graduation from my mama. I don't even know where she
was. I ain't know how she knew I was
graduating. All she wanted to do was come and see me walk across the
stage. And I'm thinking to myself, "Oh, you gonna fuck my
graduation up." But I can't stop your ass from
coming, 'cause you know about it, obviously. So my mother comes to the
graduation. I'm there with my dad, my
stepmom. And I see her walking up. I done already crossed the
stage. I'm holding my degree. I knew her ass was coming. And I had that motherfucking
letter. [laughter] I had the letter. I pulled it out of my
motherfuckin' scrapbook. I was like, "Yeah, she gonna
get this letter." She gonna get this
motherfuckin' letter. So she steps to me, wanna hug
me, all this fake shit, and I'm just feeling like,
"Eww." So she hugging me, "Oh, let me take a picture with
you and your degree." I was like, "You can take a
picture with me and this
motherfuckin' letter." [laughter] And I gave her ass that letter. I did not take no picture. I was like, "Fuck that.
I am outta here." And I left quickly, 'cause I
knew if my mama open that letter up while I was
standing there, she would fuck me up. So I gave her that letter.
I was like, "You can take a picture with
that." I had to get on out of there. I'm letting y'all know right
now it--because of her, all the bad
shit that happened to me made me the good motherfucker
that I am today. So I tell people all the time, "Do your thing. You never know
what's gonna be the catalyst in
your life." That's my story.
I hope y'all enjoyed. [cheers and applause] <i> - B-motherfucking-Phlat!</i> <i> ♪ ♪</i>
