- He's just talking to me
the whole time in that super porntastic way, he's like,
"I'm gonna make you come. "I'm gonna make
you come so hard." And I'm just like, "Uh, yeah
buddy, whenever you want." (suspenseful music) (cheering) - Hello everybody, welcome
to This is Not Happening. I'm your host, Ari Shaffir
and tonight it's all stories about romance. (cheering) Please help me welcome a
very, very funny woman, Miss Kate Willett everybody. (cheering) - So I'm gonna tell you guys
a story about burning man. So I went to Burning
Man this past year. Give it up if you've ever
been to Burning Man, anybody? Okay, some people. I was skeptical about it
because I've heard that it's kinda lame now, a lot of tech
people, but it's actually really cool, there's a lot of
neat stuff you can do there. You can dance all night,
you can see really cool art, or you can have an
unplanned pregnancy scare. That is what I did. So I went out there and I
ran into this guy that I know from home, he's actually
one of my roommates and, you know when you run into
somebody at Burning Man, you basically have to fuck them. It's like the gift
economy thing out there. We decided we were gonna
have sex at Burning Man and we wanted it to be
really spiritual,
really transformative, really special, but there's
not a great place to have sex at Burning Man. We were like, oh where
are we gonna do this? Because my tent was
covered in dust and glitter and his camp, they're having
a non-violent communication circus arts workshop. We're like, where
can we do this? So we decided on the orgy tent. 'Cause we knew that
would be possible there. So we go there, we wait in
line for a while, and I see the wheels in my friend's
head turning, you know, because he's like 24 and
I can tell that he's like picturing this whole scenario
of a bunch of porn looking ladies being like, "I'm
bisexual but mostly I just "love your dick." I knew it was gonna be a lot
more ren faire than that. We walk in there, the first
thing we see is this giant, bear looking guy. He's wearing a leather
utility kilt and he is fisting a woman, he's barking like
a dog, he's just like, "Woof, woof, woof,
woof, woof, woof." My friend looks at this
whole scenario and he's like, "I don't even know if I can
do this with you here, Kate, "it's too weird." And I was like, "You gotta
stop whining and put out." Just to be clear, I don't
think that anybody is entitled to sex with anybody, but at
the same time, we did wait in line for half an hour. (laughter) So we go in there, we look
around, we find a spot on a mat, there's a bunch of people
doing sex yoga around, and we start having sex and
pretty immediately I can tell that it's some of the
worst sex that I've ever had in my life. So bad. Like, this guy is making
no effort whatsoever. It is like freshman
dorm kinda stuff. He's not even trying because
he's super cute, you know, and sometimes cute people,
they don't really make that effort for you in bed. If you want someone to really
kill it in bed, you gotta go for the short,
the fat and the ugly. Those people are striving
to be invited back. If you sleep with someone
cute, it's just like, "Hey I've got this dick,
so congratulations." And the whole time they're
just thinking about how lucky you are and it's just like ugh. But this guy, he's like,
he's just talking to me the whole time in that
super porntastic way. He's like, "I'm
gonna make you come. "I'm gonna make
you come so hard. "I'm gonna make
you come so hard." And I'm just like, "Uh yeah
buddy, whenever you want." He's like, "Have you ever
been fucked like this before?" I was just like, "Honestly, no." He was fucking me like he
did not know that I was a stand-up comedian. As a quick little side
note, he knows now. So then a few minutes go by
and he finishes and I also finish but not because he
was good at it, just 'cause I'm a feminist and. He says to me, he's like,
"Oh Kate, I gotta tell you "something, it is gonna
be a real bummer." And I'm thinking, yeah, I
know what this is because I'm a lady that's had casual
sex before and the bummer is always like, "I'm really
sorry that I can't have a "relationship with you." And it's always from
the worst guy too. Like women are just sitting
in their rooms being like, "Pleas God, give me a
terrible boyfriend." So like, "Sorry I don't
see anything long-term." It's like, dude, no, it's
cool, I just wanna, like, fuck four more times and,
if we're being honest, probably loan you some money. I am not in this to win it. So I start getting up and
leaving and he's like, "No, no, no, no, no, Kate,
this is a serious thing, "this is really serious." So I'm like, "Okay,
fine, what is it?" He's like, "The condom broke." And I was like, "Oh shit." That is a huge bummer
because I definitely cannot have a kid with this
guy, like no way. No matter how many crystals
he sells in the spiritual bookstore, we are not
gonna be able to pull it together to support a
fam, and I for sure don't wanna have an abortion with him. I want you guys to understand,
I am not against abortion, except with him. It'd be a huge pain in the ass. He for sure would not
pay for half, you know. He probably would give
me like 20 bucks which I would know is a lot
for him financially, but also emotionally. Then I'd have to be like,
"Oh you did really good." And it's just like I
don't wanna get into that, you know? We'd go to Planned Parenthood
together and we'd be sitting in the waiting room and
he'd be like, "Oh man, "this is some really
heavy karma, dude." And I would just be like, "Oh
my God, how old am I gonna "be before I start having sex
with men who call me dude?" He'd be getting upset and so
I'd like feed him some chips from the vending machine
to calm him down. He'd be like, "I don't even
know if these are vegan." And I'd just be like, "I
can't wait to kill your baby." (laughter) But I'm thinking this will
be alright, it won't come to that, you know. Obviously they're gonna
have the morning after pill at Burning Man. Of course they have Plan B
at Burning Man, like does Burning Man seem like a
place that a lot of people have a plan A? So I ask my friend if
he wants to come with me to the medical tent and he's
like, "Yeah, I don't know "Kate, the vibes between
us are just really not "chill right now." So I was like,
alright, whatever. And then I just decide for
myself, I'm gonna handle this situation like the
mature adult woman that I am, so I just put on my tutu
and got on my bicycle. I ride to the medical tent
and I get there and there's dehydrated hippies everywhere,
super dusty, coming down from every single drug,
and the lady at the desk, the triage nurse, she has
purple hair and I go up to her and I was like, "Hey,
excuse me, do you have "any Plan B?" And she's like,
"Oh, what happened?" And I was like, "Well, I
was having sex with this "guy and the condom broke." And she's like, "Oh no,
I'm so sorry to hear that. "Are you concerned about STDs?" And I was like, "You know what? "I'm not really, I don't
think a lot of other people "would have sex with this guy. "I'm a pretty
special snowflake." I really am though. I've let people in my body
that I would not let inside my apartment. Don't get judgy. Look, love is blind,
but theft is real, okay? (laughter) She's like, "I'm so sorry
to tell you this, but we "actually don't have Plan
B because this is only an "emergency medical clinic
and this isn't technically "considered an emergency." I'm like, "Oh lady, we have
a huge misunderstanding. "It's an emergency that I
don't have a kid with this guy, "emergency. "To put it into perspective
for you, before we had sex, "I had to loan him my hair
scrunchy so that he could "pull back his man bun. "Emergency." She's like, "Okay, okay. "Well, I have an idea for you." I'm like, "Great, what's that?" She's like, "There is
this woman back at my camp "who has a spell." So then I just started
crying and she's like, "Okay, okay, here's
another thing. "You could go up to one
of the rangers and see if "there are any feminist
camps that are giving out "tampons or birth control,
maybe they would have Plan B." So I was like, "Great,
I'll try it out." So I leave and I walk
around until I see a ranger, he's a guy with a
walkie-talkie and a clip board and I just go right up
to him and I was like, "Excuse me, sir, do you
happen to know of any feminist "camps that are giving out
tampons or birth control "or especially Plan B?" And then he's like,
"Uh, what's Plan B?" I was like, "You know,
the morning after pill?" And he was like, "Oh, I'm
really sorry sweetheart, "I don't know about a
lot of that lady stuff." So I was like, "Okay, well I
guess that's understandable. "Just to break it down for
ya, the basics of what's "going on here is that I
am ovulating and I am full "of semen and we have got
to turn this ship around." He's like, "Oh, I think I
understand what you need. "You know who might be
able to help you out is "camp Beaverton,
the lesbian camp." I was like, "I don't think
these lesbians are gonna "have birth control,
they are birth control. "I'm not just gonna roll up
there on my bike and be like, "'My sisters, I repent. "'I promise to write a slam
poem about what I learned "'from this experience.' "No way." So I was starting to panic,
I didn't know what I was gonna do. I didn't know if I was gonna
get off the playa in time to get home in that narrow
window of time you have to take Plan B. So I go back to my own
camp and then this amazing thing happens. There's this woman there,
she's bisexual, but the night before, she had tripped on
acid and on her acid trip she decided that she only
wanted to be intimate with women from now on, for the
rest of the year. So she gave me her entire
unopened packet of birth control for the month and then I
just took it and I ate the entire thing. Which was plan C. I'm not a mom, you guys. Alright, thank you guys so much. (upbeat music)
