Lewis Black - Stark Raving Black (Full Special)

it's unbelievable hello this is Louis black uh [ __ ] you let's try it again hello Detroit I'm going to be shooting my next well why don't you tell me you are [ __ ] nut Mr Arrogant [ __ ] oh yeah just by the sound of my voice people have asked me why are you shooting your special in Detroit Lewis and I say if anybody is as angry as I am it's the good people of Detroit I'll see you there foreign [Music] [Applause] foreign [Applause] [Music] [Applause] the best interests of of everyone um if if you could lower your expectations [Applause] yeah yeah yes about 20 percent I don't think that's too much to ask no I'm I'm serious the way the the the US economy is really uh down about 20 percent and I believe we should live our lives accordingly doesn't mean you don't wake up without a positive attitude you do you wake up every morning you say it's going to be a great day less 20 percent [Applause] the the question I've been asked uh over and over during the really the past year is is now that President Bush has left office what now that George Bush is left the office of the presidency Lewis what are you going to do and I've said uh every time I guess I just won't be funny anymore I certainly miss him he did make my life easy basically I would just come out in any City read what he said that day and go on my Merry way it's amazing what what kind of a [ __ ] stupid question is that like somehow because George bush left office stupidity fled the country when it comes to idiots uh our countries like whack-a-mole you get rid of one and three more will pop up they're asking me this question and meanwhile the new president picked the Secretary of the Treasury who didn't do his taxes what am I going to do I do think they're two important lessons that can be learned from his presidency first um if you find yourself in a voting booth and you're looking at two names and you're thinking to yourself gee I'd really like to hang out with this guy boy would he be fun to drink with you vote for the other person and if you're going to vote for someone because you think they're going to be fun to drink with you'd be [ __ ] sure they're still drinking [Applause] now secondly uh the I believe and I know this is simplistic that uh the reason one of the main reasons that George Bush became the president is because President Clinton got a [ __ ] and this upset a lot of people who didn't get one so the Christian right was motivated to find a candidate who they felt was religious and spiritual and had a great faith in God if you're gonna vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God you be really sure that God has faith in them it's a two-way street when President Obama was elected I'll never forget the next day everyone everywhere said the following I can't believe this could possibly have ever happened in my lifetime which made me wonder who voted for it now people were truly overwhelmed by his election I I wasn't as much and the reason is because he's a Democrat and that didn't seem to me to be an improvement over Republican I don't know if you've noticed um but our two-party system is a bowl of [ __ ] looking in the mirror at itself [Applause] why would I be excited that a Democrat won seriously over the past eight years the Democrats didn't do [ __ ] basically the last eight years I feel um the Republicans stood around farting and the Democrats went ooh let me smell it [Applause] I find it astonishing that anyone is still a loyal Democrat or a loyal Republican what are you basing this on how is it possible what is it that you see I don't see what you're seeing what is it that the Democrats or the Republicans have done for any of you in the past 30 years that has made any difference in your life and yet people hang in which makes me wonder what the [ __ ] I believe you're delusional I believe you're seeing something that isn't there and we call that hallucinating and I know about hallucinations because I took Kelly Steve when I was young just to prepare me for this moment in time I saw my refrigerator turned into a puma and run away and I tracked that son of a [ __ ] for three days mostly wondering what am I going to tell my parents and when I finally caught up with it in the middle of the woods and I was cutting open its stomach in order to get a beer out as crazy as I was at that point I was less crazy than anybody in this room who's still a Democrat or a Republican [Applause] the big change for me over the past eight years is is that I became a mainstream comedian and I I I beg to differ with you I believe that is wrong because I listened to the [ __ ] that comes out of my mouth and I am appalled and I know that I've become a mainstream comedian because over the past two years um I did the Uso Christmas tour in Iraq and Afghanistan foreign I really don't know how representative I am in terms of entertainment for the troops because if you know and to tell you just how um how mainstream it is I have uh this this winner I can't go uh and do the tour so I will be hosting the benefit in Washington DC for the Uso and I just think I think that's wrong I think it's very odd that we went in my lifetime from Bob Hope to me [Applause] I uh I also know that I'm mainstream uh because uh a few months ago I performed at a benefit Tony larussa's benefit in St Louis Missouri for animal rescue and I followed onto the stage Vince Gill and it doesn't get it anymore [ __ ] mainstream than that now I know that some of you don't know who Vin skill is and that's because you don't listen to country music and I know you don't listen to country music because a lot of it is [ __ ] a lot of it a lot of it quite honestly is based on Old Jerry Springer episodes [Applause] but Vince Gill is a country music legend in icon and I have thought that I'd followed possibly every type of act because for 20 years I toured clubs in the country and Comics performed before me that were just some were just they would scare the [ __ ] out of you people who the audience when I got on stage the audience was still screaming [ __ ] you too the strangest act I ever followed onto the stage was in a club in Parma Ohio this comedian ended his set he was talking about how he was in the delivery room when his wife gave birth and he said that he noticed that her now I'm quoting her [ __ ] got bigger and bigger and bigger and a couple of months later he was thinking about having oral sex with her or as he put it going down on her and he thought back to that moment in the delivery room and felt what if her [ __ ] gets bigger and bigger hang in there you're adults her [ __ ] gets bigger and bigger and snaps over my head and my head be inside her [ __ ] and now here's Lewis Black [Applause] I thought that was as strange as it could get and then I had to follow Vince Gill Vince Gill is six foot seven but with his Stark quality he's 12 feet tall and he Strode onto that stage and 8 000 people went completely nuts they were huge fans of his and he began to sing and I'd never ever been in his presence while he was singing and let me just tell you this that after 30 seconds I felt exactly the way I feel when I'm taking a bath that is just the perfect temperature by the end of the song I can't tell you what he was singing about but I know I have never been that comfortable in my whole life [Applause] and then he told the story a really funny story a really clean funny story a clean funny story where he never said the word [ __ ] once a [ __ ] clean funny [ __ ] story son of a [ __ ] it was goddamn [ __ ] funny I was laughing my tits off in his clean story and then Vince began to talk about his father his dead father son of a [ __ ] he's pulling out the dead father card that's a hard one to Trump and his father was a great and wonderful man he was not only a redneck he was a judge he was everything to everyone he was the greatest man that ever walked the Earth and all I kept thinking was [ __ ] I don't have time to go home and kill mine [Applause] and Vince said as his father got sicker and sicker he pulled Vince aside and told him that he had an idea for a song that he always wanted Vince to write and Vince couldn't get it written before his father died but but after he died he found the inspiration to write that song and now he was going to sing it who's not going to like that song and it was a great song it was sad and son of a [ __ ] it was funny it was really funny the refrain of that song was how can I kiss those lips at night that have been chewing my ass out all day long [Applause] if you didn't laugh at that you're [ __ ] brain dead and now he set the bar for the the kind of bad words you can use and you can say as in reference to your ass your physical ass as in he said the word ass I thought he was gonna say Heidi now I'm standing on stage and I'm going through my [ __ ] act getting rid of all the bad words I've got about two minutes of stage time and then his wife came on stage his wife if you don't know is Amy Grant and if you don't know who Amy Grant is you should she is the greatest Christian singer in all in all of Christendom and she is made entirely out of cream I know because I stood behind her and poked and she's perfect she's [ __ ] perfect the only thought I had is I stood next to her was Lewis you're a Despicable piece of [ __ ] you're a Despicable piece of [ __ ] now she comes on the stage and she kisses him oh really the two of you had to kiss you [ __ ] [ __ ] are you [ __ ] me haven't you taken enough from me you were just standing there she was just standing there he's been gone 12 minutes there was no [ __ ] reason for that now when it comes to love I am the most jaded [ __ ] in the universe but I have to say when the two of them kissed you could feel their love it went in waves over the audience I was not knock over by a Riptide of their love son of a [ __ ] how will I a Jew ever know Christian love [Applause] my friends many have been married for years and I've never seen that kind of love I thought I'm never going to feel that and then I realized I did but I felt it for just an instant um when I was on a golf course and I hit a hole in one and I still have the ball but I don't kiss it not in public and then Amy began to sing like an angel and his angels who want to do she was singing about Jesus I turned to my friend Kathleen Madigan a terrific comedian yeah she had gotten me the gig and I said hey take a good look at the time and remember it because this is the precise moment that our friendship has ended I actually had to leave while she was singing because I felt that if I I stayed there I would rush the stage and accept Christ into my heart as My One True savior [Applause] and then Vincent Amy left the building on the wings of angels and now here's Lewis Black [Applause] [Music] I came onto the stage and I said that whoever had put together the order of the acts that evening I wanted whoever that was to join me on stage because I was going to use the next 30 minutes to just beat the [ __ ] out of them I said who the [ __ ] comes up with that kind of order here are two perfect Christians and now let's follow it with the miserable aging Jewish pray foreign I know that I'm aging because I turned 60 this year and I'm not don't no need to applaud seriously when there's no reason to applaud when somebody gets older the only reason somebody gets older is because of dumb [ __ ] luck it isn't like you were sitting out there going gee he's really in tremendous shape I bet he's on a high fiber diet and I'm not I Don't Go Near fiber I had an oat muffin 10 years ago and I'm still [ __ ] because of it [Applause] but I turned 60 and it was it was not a happy moment because you're you're not you don't even get the the joy of no one treats you as if you've grown old nobody you tell people God you know I'm 60 I'm a little depressed why 60 is that old [ __ ] you 60 sold you piece of [ __ ] and how do I know that 60s old because when I was a kid uh people who turned 60 were dropping like [ __ ] flies we had a neighbor woke up had a little bit of cereal went right over into the bowl I said what'd he die of 60. oh I know that 60 is old I know that 60s old because I can't remember [ __ ] my day goes like this I wake up and I think you know I would I did something really really important yesterday and it absolutely had to be finished this morning because these people desperately [ __ ] need to have it whoever the [ __ ] they are whatever the [ __ ] it was I was doing yesterday [ __ ] morning son of a [ __ ] God damn it what was I doing yesterday [ __ ] a you've got to be getting me I go to sleep when I wake up and it's gone now I'm wandering around my apartment looking for Clues like Sherlock Holmes have to have left a note a picture maybe there's a message on the phone I can remember precisely what my little league uniform look like when I was 12 years old and now I can't remember what happened 12 hours ago you got to be [ __ ] kidding me just relax Louis lay down and so I do yeah if I just relax I'm sure I'll think of it two hours later I get up from my nap and it's dinner time let's eat nobody called how important could it be [ __ ] them the weirdest thing is if I'm with a group of my friends who are my age if you listen to us talk it's like verbal charades I saw that movie I saw that movie you know the movie you told me to see the one you told me to see I saw that movie you know the movie the one you told me to see I saw the movie the one you told me to see you told me to see the [ __ ] movie the one with the guy you know the guy the guy we liked the guy then we didn't like the guy then we liked him then we don't like him you know the guy who goes out with the girl you know the girl son of a [ __ ] no no not a Musa bunny you [ __ ] that conversation can go on for days to others it sounds like holy [ __ ] these people don't know what we're talking about we know exactly what we're talking about we just can't remember any names anymore the saddest thing is when we're going into just begin with an a to begin with a B try a c my generation can't deal with getting older the the only thing that my generation right now is leaving behind because my generation is done [ __ ] nothing what what we leave behind our message for the ages is 60 is an old 60s the new 40. no it's not [ __ ] 60 is 60 and 40 is 40. that's why they're different [ __ ] numbers [Applause] I've never liked birthdays I certainly didn't want to celebrate my 60th but I've never liked birthdays I don't get it the celebration of mortality what the [ __ ] is that about another year closer to the Grave birthdays make sense up to the age 21 22 it's all downhill [ __ ] take a good look kids this is the end of the line [Applause] when you're eight there's nothing better a great birthday when your age you get a wagon a red wagon and you can put [ __ ] in the wagon and pull it around God damn it let's go get some more [ __ ] 16 you get your driver's license 21. finally finally you don't have to hand the money to somebody else to get your liquor and you never know if you're gonna see the [ __ ] again thank you I know that most people don't like birthdays because nobody likes singing Happy Birthday nobody commits to it except some of my friends who are in the theater and then those [ __ ] harmonize oh that's that's creepy and fruity at the same time but the rest of us I'd even care if there's an eight-year-old there you don't even [ __ ] it's the same sound every time [Music] what's his [ __ ] name I don't remember the kid's name so when I turned 60 I decided that what I would do is perform in Las Vegas and that would be fun and that would mark my birthday we'd have some drinks that's it we [ __ ] get over it and so I perform and I finish up and I Turn To Go and there standing off stage is Ben Brewer my tour manager and John Bowman and they've got a big giant cake with 60 candles on it not little candles big [ __ ] candles so that the whole cake is like a torch I expected him to run by me and go into the Village and look for Frankenstein now I gotta blow these candles out in front of about 1500 people I have to do an emphysema test [Music] [Applause] foreign that's the other great thing about turning 60. you pee like a four-year-old I've still got weak weak in my dinky why'd you pee on the cake Lewis since it's not [ __ ] chocolate did you make a wish oh yeah yeah a wish for a pony maybe this year a pony to pull my little red [ __ ] wagon [ __ ] I've had the uh the same wish pretty much for the past five years my wish is that I'll live forever yeah a lot of people don't understand that and I don't understand what the [ __ ] are you wishing for a new Appliance oh boy I hope I get a Roomba this year what [ __ ] planet are you it's a wish [ __ ] go big I've had audience members actually shout out why would you want to live forever because I don't want to [ __ ] die how simple is that I have no interest in dying I like it here I get it as [ __ ] up as it can be I get this but out there I don't I don't know what's out there it's unknown this is known that's unknown I'm sticking with the gnome many Christians would say that Lewis if you had faith you should know that angels will come and they will take you to heaven well I tell my Christian friends until they're photographs the legal system would say that's hearsay I lean toward reincarnation mainly because you get to come back but it gets sticky because there's a Karma thing you don't know you may not come back as a human I mean I could close my eyes and open them and now I'm a tick sucking the blood out of a Saint Bernard's ear they're getting bigger and bigger and then somebody takes a match what kind of I'd really like to come back as a monkey but yeah any kind of monkey because I believe in my heart of hearts that uh that monkeys are more evolved than we are and I'd like to find out they were so [ __ ] smart they didn't leave the jungle did they they didn't leave Funland no not like the rest of us idiots who go off into a concrete jungle that we create to work in an office with a group of [ __ ] that [ __ ] give us eczema and a boss who like pees in the wastebasket when he talks to us really do you have to do that but you can't say anything to that son of a [ __ ] you work your [ __ ] ass off some of you even have two jobs it's a [ __ ] pain in the neck but every so often you get a little time off hey you call your friends let's go out to dinner this weekend well we can't eat at that restaurant because Stewie's now a vegan well [ __ ] him [ __ ] Stewie in the vegan [ __ ] I'm gonna get him a loaded potato and shove it up his ass if you're a monkey you just have your pal turn around and you pick a whole [ __ ] Buffet out of his back you spend the whole day [ __ ] and masturbating it's [ __ ] Heaven I tell you [Applause] I fear I shared too much I I used to um I used to want to be cremated and now I'm not so sure as I get older I like to hedge my bats so I'm thinking maybe burial because if my Christian friends are right maybe that's why people get buried because that's how the Angels find you knock knock you ready to go yeah if I'm cremated if [ __ ] I'm all over the place the angels look at me and go well that's the hardest jigsaw puzzle I've ever [ __ ] seen it'll take an eternity to put him back together [ __ ] it people say you know if you live forever Your Friends Are going to die well I'll just have to get new friends when you compare 60 to somebody who's 20 it's old when you compare 60 my age to my parents who were 90 and 91. I'm still a kid my mother still thinks she's my mother how [ __ ] good is that they've been married actually this week for 64 years yeah and and those of you who didn't applaud how bitter are you Dr Phil would ask what's The Secret of their long and successful marriage and I'd say to Dr Phil [ __ ] you fatty tonight I will say to you if you at any time find yourself watching Dr Phil I want you to get up off the chair of the couch put your head down and run at the TV as hard as you can I guarantee when you come out of the coma you're going to thank me I watched Dr Phil for seven minutes that's all it took you know what's good for the dog isn't necessarily good for the Frog because they're different species you all um have seen the alien remember the alien goes in your mouth comes out your chest I want you to think about that we'll be right back I won't I won't be back Dr Phil because I am going to spend the rest of the day looking for heroin I'd never seen it as an alternative but after spending just seven minutes with you I think it may be the way to go who knew you were the gateway drug The Secret of my parents marriage is is very very simple the reason that they've stayed together so long is they have never heard a word the other one has said I realized this when I was 10 and my brother Ron and I were in the back seat of the car going from Maryland to New York to see relatives and my parents were talking in the front seat as we listened to them don't cry don't cry they're talking to imaginary people I've been lucky my parents are great and they've given me a number of gifts one which is a sense of humor which people seem to enjoy but which scares the [ __ ] out of me to give you an idea of uh where my sense of humor comes from my mother um when she turned 90 I called I said how do you like being 90 . how do I like it it's like overtime happy birthday [Applause] my book made the Times bestseller list and so I called I called my uh I called my my mother up to tell her and she said wow who knew there were that many idiots out there my father's very quiet and it's you have to be around him for a while to to get to his sense of humor he he's most noted for his smile he's always smiling he has since I was a kid as a matter of fact when I was young I thought my father's smile was zen-like beatific almost as if he were in harmony with the universe um and As I Grew Older my friends took me aside and said you know uh I think your dad's smile is perverted like he's watching a dirty movie or something and as I've grown older I realize my friends are right I called my dad uh after the Sarah Palin debate and uh I said what'd you think of Sarah pop and he went uh did you see her winking how'd she know I was watching [Applause] they got an HD tv you know um in order to see the closed captions more clearly and uh and and I called pop and said you what do you think of the HD and he goes huh I love it the cleavage is crystal clear the strangest uh the strangest moment I've I've shared with my parents was uh I had gotten a gig uh at Caesar's in the Poconos of Pennsylvania it's a resort area there Caesars has these four kind of honeymoon getaways lovers Retreats uh no gambling it's what it is is it's a it's like a group of [ __ ] huts in the woods with names like Titty Titty Bang Bang spread eagle that kind of thing these are serious [ __ ] Huts okay I mean you walk in there's a heart-shaped bed funky [ __ ] [ __ ] indoor pool gotta [ __ ] [ __ ] uh sauna [ __ ] you [ __ ] go upstairs champagne glass bubble bubble [ __ ] [ __ ] if you're still going at five in the morning open the closet there's a ball gag and a swing [Applause] told my parents I got the gig there and my mother they're 83 at the time goes we're going with you I've always wanted to see that place now I'm in the woods with my 83 year old parents they are in one [ __ ] Hut I am in the [ __ ] Hut next door alone which is as close to being gay as I ever want to be I opened up my refrigerator that they have in the room and there's some cut up vegetables and dip so I bring it next door to my parents because they come out of the depression and free food always makes them cry they have a refrigerator in their room so I say I bet you got something in there now I'm standing in front of my 83 year old parents and in one hand I have a bowl of strawberries and in the other a bowl of whipped cream and my mother looks at the whipped cream and goes what's that for and my father without missing a Beat Goes it's for my balls [Applause] [Music] I um I began therapy that next Tuesday it was the beginning of my Great Depression or a Great Recession or whatever it is we're [ __ ] going through at this point in time they call it whatever they want nobody knows what the [ __ ] happening nobody has a clue as to what's going on economically I don't know what they want to call these Economic Times but I've never seen anything like it or been through anything like it my entire [ __ ] life we went right into the [ __ ] and nobody not one leader warned us now one not a Democrat and not a Republican I think another lesson that can be learned from this is fairly simple that you should expect from your leader the same thing you'd expect from an experienced canoe guide we'll be going down that fork in the river because if we go down that one there's a [ __ ] waterfall I knew that we were heading toward the [ __ ] and I know nothing and I knew and I can guarantee that everybody in this room who had a job and for 40 hours working 40 hours a week I can guarantee a year before the [ __ ] hit the fan you were sitting in the office and either you said it or someone in your office at some point turned to you and went uh think we're far [ __ ] and the reason the reason was because we in the book made it so obvious was the housing bubble it was like the 47th bubble of my lifetime and every time the bubble burst and everybody goes wow how [ __ ] wow why okay who thought everybody knew there was a housing bubble she's [ __ ] you being a neighbor you go gee that that house cost sixty thousand dollars last year well and now it costs six hundred thousand what did they do well they put a gazebo in the back and it's made entirely of human scrotums it's the most comfortable place to sit in town the amazing thing is um no one not one leader talked about it not one leader discussed where we were headed not a one they all said it was going to be okay all I heard for the course of the campaign and was that everything was going to be all right because capitalism is the most wonderful economic system ever developed because it was developed by God himself for us there's nothing more Splendid than capitalism it is a beautiful garden a garden that irrigates itself and fertilizes itself and it needs no sunlight because it it basks in the glory of its own reflection there's nothing more wondrous than the garden that is capitalism and if it is left entirely unregulated that Garden will grow and grow and grow until all of us share in its beautiful fruit and so I went to bed every night dreaming about my beautiful fruit and then I woke up one morning and there was the Secretary of the Treasury standing behind the White House at the back door as if he was trying to get away holy [ __ ] we're [ __ ] he said we're completely [ __ ] son of a [ __ ] I don't know what happened to the Garden but it's a piece of [ __ ] now watch that hand coming up your ass it's looking for quarters put straws in your nose the river of [ __ ] is rising start pulling out your gold fillings and put them on eBay I'm getting the [ __ ] out of here then he ran around the White House three times with his hair on fire oh all I uh I wondered was what happened that night I guess he was sitting in front of his computer finishing uh his last online math course from Phoenix University [Applause] when he reached that Eureka moment son of a [ __ ] he cried 60 is in 40. thank you many many people blame what happened economically on the people who they say who couldn't afford rent and bought homes those are the [ __ ] those [ __ ] are the ones those broke [ __ ] [ __ ] everything really it was them what [ __ ] it takes a lot of balls to blame them because you got to be out of your [ __ ] mind you're gonna tell me if you were broke and somebody came to you and said look uh I know you can't pay rent want a house no I'm going to continue to live on the great in my box spring is coming I hate to miss it many Congressmen said um that that they felt the problem was created by those who those sons of [ __ ] who didn't read their mortgages um Whoever has you don't read your own mortgage that's why we have lawyers you hire a lawyer or a paralegal or if you're really broke you hire somebody who's [ __ ] a paralegal but you're not going to reach your mortgage that's why we have lawyers they study a language for three years that and they learn it and it's a language that if a normal person read it they'd have a stroke I tried to read my own mortgage on the last page there was actually the outline of a boat with a squirrel in it what the [ __ ] that about well I gotta color it in well keep it in the lines [ __ ] I've tried to read my mortgages 100 pages long okay and it's 100 pages and there's no punctuation it's just like it's a run-on sentence it's like driving a car without breaks you go oh I got through the the third line and I had my first Out of Body Experience I hovered over my body and I had to promise myself I wouldn't read the fourth line and then I could re-enter myself what caused um this economic crisis is greed it's purely and simply greed that's where you that's where it lies there is no discussion of that that's what uh you know we've done over the course of my lifetime if I one of the great one of the things that my my country seems to have done is perfect greed you think Enron and world come you thought wow can't get any more [ __ ] up than that Bernie Madoff that reads like [ __ ] fiction and if you read it as fiction you go well his last name's Madoff that's [ __ ] you got to be kidding me I'm not gonna finish this book it's greed there was uh one of the the great financial houses that sunk like the Titanic was run by this guy named Thane and uh just before the the boat sunk um he gave those who worked in his office bonuses like a month before like you know here here's a bonus for blowing up the engine room and he spent 1.5 million dollars just before his his the whole thing goes to ruin on his office on redoing his office redecorating it really a million five are you [ __ ] kidding me if I if I had a million five to do a financial house is off if I if I ran a financial house which I'm [ __ ] thinking of doing because it's easier than this [ __ ] yeah sure give me that check don't worry about a thing so I'd have a chair for who I have to talk to a desk my chair and then the rest of the office would be filled with a giant aquarium and in the aquarium would be a huge white shark and I would have a an intern very cute up on a ladder and with chunks of meat and throw it at the shark and the shark go and when he finished eating all the meat the intern would dive in eat the shark and then rub my back thank you how good is that it's certainly [ __ ] with the guys sitting in front of me wouldn't it so he spent 63 thousand dollars on a credenza by your silence I realize none of you know what the [ __ ] that is and few people do I'm 60 and no one has ever called me and said Lou you must come see my new credenza apparently it's a glorified office file cabinet I always thought that the credenza were the two bones just above your asphalt as in my credentials acting up I must see the chiropractor and if they had a piece of furniture made entirely out of bones that might be worth 63 thousand dollars eighty seven thousand dollars for an area rug I know what an area rug is it's a rug that covers an area if I spend eighty seven thousand dollars in an area rug that rug should be woven from the pubic air of virgins yes and I should have a leather-bound book with photos of the women who contributed to my rug hey I would keep that leather-bound book in my credenza [Applause] the big argument now is how do we regulate capitalism should we there are many people who still argue that there should be as little regulation as possible and I say that those [ __ ] are full of [ __ ] and the reason that I say that and I will not argue with them or discuss it with them or when they talk I go ah no because the SEC the people who are supposed to be watching over this whole thing and who are obviously playing a game of who's got the biggest [ __ ] they they came out with a list of what they thought um the first rules might be and the first rule that was discussed and I wish the [ __ ] I was making this up the lender should be absolutely sure that the borrower has the financial assets and resources and income in order to repay the lender a lot of people who ran Banks seem to have forgotten that and so they needed to have it written down and if you're going to write that rule down the second one should be if you're turning blue remember to breathe [Applause] one of the one of the major ways that uh uh President Obama sees us coming out of this economic decline is through Alternative Energy and um uh I have been um fighting for alternative energy for 40 years and I will tell you um it's not going to happen and I know it's not going to happen because everything I I wanted a lot of things and none of them have [ __ ] happened so I'm pretty sure this isn't going to happen I'm sure it's not going to happen um because we uh we don't seem to get it uh you know the for one of the first responses to the fact that gas prices was going up was this uh hey I know what we're going to do we're going to make ethanol mm-hmm and the way we made ethanol was out of corn okay do you want to know when you're kind if you if you want to know when your country that there's no more clearer sign that your country is in the midst of a massive nervous [ __ ] breakdown is when they're turning food into fuel [Music] food [Music] yummy fuel oh Jesus I can never get that oil down you don't turn corn into [ __ ] fuel God damn it many Congressmen have said people people don't eat a lot of corn and I say [ __ ] you I need my niblets you son of a [ __ ] go to the store corn is in [ __ ] everything it's in green beans for [ __ ] sake we're not going to have Alternative Energy they when they when they finally raised the uh the requirement of miles per gallon on a car after like 25 years they finally voted for it yeah now we're going to raise it so that the cars are more fuel efficient the argument against that was that now the roads will be dangerous it's going to be dangerous as hell out there why or because the cars will be lighter but so they're not going to be magnetized [ __ ] that's [ __ ] it's a [ __ ] argument it's nonsense you know and that's why it's difficult sometimes to argue with some people because they say something like that and you go they might as well have said giant Kodiak Bears will rule the Earth I started fighting for alternative energy during the first Earth Day which was 40 years ago because Earth day was created by my generation it was created by my generation it's not the Earth Day that exists now when people are wandering around trying to sell compostable nipple clamps [ __ ] you Earth day was created because we were doing oh a lot of drugs more drugs than you can ever [ __ ] imagine and and uh and so we came up with Earth Day so we'd have one day that would remind us what planet we were living on I know we can have alternative energy and I know it because when I was a kid my president said we were going to get to the moon and he said we were going to do it in 10 years and we all thought he was out of his [ __ ] mind because the only fuel that we had to get us there at that point in time was fireworks let's drop these sparklers on the back of this Schwinn and push it over the cliff son of a [ __ ] strap a monkey on there shove a cherry bomb up its ass we're closer now to having Alternative Energy we're much closer and I know that we can have it I know that we can have it because I have this I'm holding a phone in my hands an iPhone and don't don't no no this in and of itself is an amazing instrument however it's attached to a t which makes it a a [ __ ] rock [Applause] I can call anyone okay look at this if I'm in the right place I can call anyone and see this look at this anyone anywhere on the planet and there are no wires none that's it's [ __ ] unbelievable and we go we act like this just you know this it's been around for years it [ __ ] hasn't it wasn't that long ago that the the phone you had was the phone in your house and it had a wire and it was a piece of [ __ ] but it was so heavy that if anyone attacked you you could kill them [Applause] and it wasn't that long ago um that if you wanted a cell phone it was actually the size of a walkie-talkie and you had to dig a foxhole to get reception and we hold these things and we don't even know where the [ __ ] we don't know where the [ __ ] magic How does it go in we don't know you you dial a number you don't know where the [ __ ] you don't know where it's coming out you have no idea where it comes in it's in my pocket and I know it's doing something in my nuts that isn't right hey every time I get a call I go oh [ __ ] 10 000 sperm have died but the other seven are still Snappy so you can take um photos with this it's a camera you can take a photo of your friend and they will look exactly the way they'd look if they had hepatitis you look swell in yellow you can download music and movies and apps they have applications I don't even have to fart anymore it farts for me it farts for me I'm holding a computer in my hand that's we are living in Star Trek time [ __ ] it's a computer purely and simply okay good years ago and not that long ago either if you wanted to take your business uh laptop on the road with you you had to strap it on a burrow I can download three million vaginas in a minute into this don't tell me we can't have Alternative Energy but what was more important than anything else the reason that we don't have Alternative Energy I believe is because what was vital to us and really all peoples of the Earth was the ability to type that I am going to meet you and Bob down at the Hooters for a big batch of chips smiley face emoticons suck my dick hahaha that's what we needed to do we needed to text that was what we wanted more than Alternative Energy the ability to type a message to command someone I don't want to talk to this [ __ ] that's exhausting if I talk to him he's going to argue with me just be at the owners you [ __ ] that's it it's that simple we're not discussing it there isn't a person in this room who enjoyed learning to type no one there is there is no one who ever said I must get the typing class it is transcendent but all of a sudden they made the keys smaller oh this is so much [ __ ] fun oh this is the greatest thing ever because nobody will know that I can't really spell and if you're twittering [ __ ] you where do you get the massive ego to think that anybody gives a [ __ ] what you're doing where the [ __ ] do you even get that much interest in your own [ __ ] life when I'm buying shoes I don't go oh I am buying shoes I must tell the world what the [ __ ] what level of God damn Insanity are you at and if you're describing if you're describing what you're doing then you're not doing it I'd just like to take a moment to uh to tell the kids in the audience that as an adult I want to like to apologize for for my generation um because you are [ __ ] we tried but it just hasn't worked out is regards Social Security forget it um we'd like to to get it done for you but it's math and that's really hard and so um since you're not going to get truly what is rightfully yours and you should have uh I say you start well start stealing [ __ ] from your parents you have every right you have every right go for it not the big ticket items you know that stuff that's lying around the house you know the stuff that they don't use the stuff and you know what when you grab it uh and and send it off to eBay they won't even [ __ ] they won't even remember they'll be going they'll be going around the house going you know where's that thing that thing you know that thing the one the guy had in the movie you know the guy [Applause] and you also deserve a lot of credit for the this past election because uh you're really with the engine behind the election of Obama the the adults can't take credit for that if it was up to my generation we would have slept [ __ ] through it but his appeal to you is understandable because he is the first president certainly in my lifetime who's filled with hope his um his nipples are actually bursting with hope he is lactating hope and when you're young son of a [ __ ] there's there's nothing Nothing Better Than Hope really it's the best drug there is no better drug than hope that's for sure and I tried them all but I'm 60. and [ __ ] hope I mean to be honest I'm not even sure I believe in Bob Hope was the greatest thing on earth when I was young I hopes would allowed me to craft a little basket and I filled it with my dreams and my visions of all the things I wanted to be and I wanted my country to be and I wanted the world to be and my father's mother said take that down the street and those folks down there they'll help you they'll help you see all of this come true and I took it down there and they they took the basket and said wow that's that's the most lovely little basket of Hope we've ever seen and then they put it on the ground and she but but that that didn't bother me because I had hope in hopes would allow me to wash that basket off and I filled that basket up again and again and again and As I Grew Older I became more specific you know I felt that in a country as rich as ours no one should ever go to bed hungry and that there certainly should be an educational system that allows every child to pursue whatever dream they have and no one should have to choose between finances and their health and for [ __ ] sake there ought to be flying cars but [Applause] but none of the things that I've wanted none of the things that I've hoped for have come to pass and that doesn't bother me anymore because I know exactly when it will happen and it will everything that I've ever dreamed of is going to happen and it will happen the day after I die I can guarantee it I can guarantee it you'll wake up and read the paper noted comic Lewis Black has passed away funeral services Friday room for flying cars hope to me is a very very simple thing now hope to me boils down to this that when I wake up tomorrow morning and I open the door to my hotel room there'll be a little bowl of whipped cream there thank you Detroit thank you [Applause] thank you [Music] [Applause] my parents couldn't make the trip this evening they've been in both my other specials and so they sent a picture this is my parents when they were married and they look exactly the same now because they're vampires [Applause] the weird thing is if you do two shows during the second show I actually thought that these things were moving I did every summer I go what the [ __ ] oh [ __ ] it's okay and I really would like to thank you oh it's that [ __ ] it's that jit that's what it is it's that goddamn [ __ ] camera it throws a shadow over it I'm going oh if it's an unbelievable evening if the place is so haunted that when they actually took the film and then tried to develop it later on Mr Black did not appear John come on

Channel: Lewis Black

Views: 602,098

Keywords:

Id: Dhbz3CRL9Lo

Length: 80min 6sec (4806 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 27 2023

Reddit Comments

[u/redditrisi]

"Our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking in the mirror at itself."